cool topic o. Really need to learn more things from the married ones before i say my i do which is around the corner.

I'd also like to touch on another prickly subject for many - household chores.

Granted, not every lady might be blessed with a hubby who knows how to cook very well (like moi), or for some others, whose hygiene standards leave a lot to be desired. (Where's Debrief and Aisha2 with their stories when you need them, eh?) But that's not to say it's the end of the world.

It really depends on one's level of tolerance. This is why the need to spend that dating phase, seriously studying the little bits and pieces of your intended cannot be over emphasized. If you can't stand it, then opt out of the relationship before you go any further. A broken up boyfried/girlfriend relationship is a whole lot better than a broken marriage. Don't ever go into marriage with the mindset that you can change him or her. That change has to come from within, born of an inner desire and willpower to change for the better. It's a personal decision that's made by the person on their terms only because they see the need to, and, they want to change...and not because you wish it.

Now if despite your partner's flaws you decide he/she is still worth it and you still want to get married, then be prepared to live with their faults. You can call their attention to certain things they do in a loving way (your tone of voice does matter), but there is only so much you can say before you start to come across as a nagging person which is off-putting. The way forward is to lead by example. Don't just talk the talk, but do it. It will get to a point when he/she will get used to it that they too will subconsciously aspire to pick up on this.

Then, when the kids start rolling in, never make that distinction between males and females. Teach them from day one till it becomes second nature to them. Not only will you be paving that path for them towards leading and independent life, but you'll also get to reap the rewards in full when they get older too. You will by this time have little cause to raise your fingers to perform these household chores because your kids will by then be more than capable to take over. You'll more or less adopt a supervisory position

Oh, and they may not thank you now, but they definitely will appreciate it and thank you later.

Efe,aisha has deactivated.

cococandy:
Pls did anybody here go to school and work and have babies at the same time?
How did you do it?
I don't want to start what I can't finish
Cc efemenaxy
Moca
Babyosisi
Mutter
And all the mommas in the house

Don´t worry you will cope just fine.Women are so good at multi tasking.

People often ask me how I cope and I always give the same answer- one day at a time.
When one day does not go well or you are tired, tomorrow is a new day with new chances.

It is better to try and fail than never try at all.

If you aim for 100 and get 50 you have something. If you aim for zero and get zero- you have nothing.

cococandy:
Pls did anybody here go to school and work and have babies at the same time?

How did you do it?

I don't want to start what I can't finish

Cc efemenaxy
Moca
Babyosisi
Mutter

And all the mommas in the house

Yeah, I did that. Seems so long ago now.

I was studying full-time for my Masters degree (Mon, Tue, Wed, 9:00 a.m - 5:00 p.m), working part-time (Thu, Fri, Sat) and was pregnant with my last son. How I did it? Not sure, but hardwork and absolute dedication helped. You'll also have to be very, very, organised to the minutest details as per where the kids are involved, do you laundry (washing, drying, and ironing) over the weekend and sort out their uniforms, school bags, undies, socks, homework, etc... and cook and store the family's meals in separate food containers in your deep freezer. That really, really, takes the burden off you.

But having a supportive hubby and father-in-law helped a great deal too.

T3Amo:
My boyfriend and I started dating in 2010. I actually met him in Nigeria while I was on vacation there. I will be honest and say that initially he was not really my type(looks) but I decided to give it a try because he had a lot of things that I look for in a man and I did not want to be too superficial. Anyways it's a very long story but we have been in a long distance relationship for almost 5 years ( we see each other like twice a year). This guy really loves me and is a good guy but sometimes I feel 'tired of him' or perhaps I am not really in love with him. I feel bad because I wish I did not feel this way but I feel we have kinda grown apart. Am thinking that it's cos we have not really had a normal relationship, that perhaps maybe when we both in same country that things will be better. He has met most of my family and they love him and vice versa except my dad. Although my dad has never met him. He was not really happy about it. My dad says he wants to find out more about him and his family background. He has a job but it's not what he wants and he is not rich, I on the other hand come from a 'well off' family but money is not and has never been an issue. We are both tired of the long distance relationship so he said that I either relocate to Nigeria or he relocates to Us but since he knows that I will not be as comfy in Naija then he is willing to come this side but that is another headache cos of the process involved and while he is here it means that he may be out of work for a long time. He is very good to me and treats me well. There was a time I suspected infidelity but could not prove it. All his friends, family and colleagues know of me. Am actually in contact with his family and his friends. Another issue is we are not sexually compatible and he is also a bad kisser. I don't enjoy kissing him. I have really been trying because he is a good person and men like him and are rare these days. But since we started dating till now I have been battling if he is actually the one for me.

Five years is a long time to keep yourself and him hanging

A man can learn how to kiss. If he is a good man, then he is indeed a gift from God.
When he goes to the US he can also find his feet, other men have done so before him.
You probably get tired of him because he is in a disadvantageous position compared to you.

EfemenaXY:
I'd also like to touch on another prickly subject for many - household chores.

Granted, not every lady might be blessed with a hubby who knows how to cook very well (like moi), or for some others, whose hygiene standards leave a lot to be desired. (Where's Debrief and Aisha2 with their stories when you need them, eh?) But that's not to say it's the end of the world.

It really depends on one's level of tolerance. This is why the need to spend that dating phase, seriously studying the little bits and pieces of your intended cannot be over emphasized. If you can't stand it, then opt out of the relationship before you go any further. A broken up boyfried/girlfriend relationship is a whole lot better than a broken marriage. Don't ever go into marriage with the mindset that you can change him or her. That change has to come from within, born of an inner desire and willpower to change for the better. It's a personal decision that's made by the person on their terms only because they see the need to, and, they want to change...and not because you wish it.

Now if despite your partner's flaws you decide he/she is still worth it and you still want to get married, then prepared to live with their faults. You can call their attention to certain things they do in a loving way (your tone of voice does matter), but there is only so much you can say before you start to come across as a nagging person which is off-putting. The way forward is to lead by example. Don't just talk the talk, but do it. It will get to a point when he/she will get used to it that they too will subconsciously aspire to pick up on this.

Then, when the kids start rolling in, never make that distinction between males and females. Teach them from day one till it becomes second nature to them. Not only will you be paving that path for them towards leading and independent life, but you'll also get to reap the rewards in full when they get older too. You will by this time have little cause to raise your fingers to perform these household chores because your kids will by then be more than capable to take over. You'll more or less adopt a supervisory position

Oh, and they may not thank you now, but they definitely will appreciate it and thank you later.

Thanks for this
I am waiting for the younger wives to ask real questions and I will use my own mistakes as examples
You will grow grey hairs overnight trying to change your spouse
You can never succeed and you will be very miserable and if you nag,
Ha
if he ever wanted to change sef ,his entire testosterone will come out full force and challenge you to do your worst
There are women who have gone mental in their marital homes trying to change their spouses
You will die and he will marry another wife and keep on strutting
So don't bother
There are ways to have a man eating literally out of the palms of your hand and people think it's juju
No juju at all
Wisdom is the key

no kidding.

I feel light headed whenever I think of it all.

EfemenaXY:


Yeah, I did that. Seems so long ago now.

I was studying full-time for my Masters degree (Mon, Tue, Wed, 9:00 a.m - 5:00 p.m), working part-time (Thu, Fri, Sat) and was pregnant with my last son. How I did it? Not sure, but hardwork and absolute dedication helped. You'll also have to be very, very, organised to the minutest details as per where the kids are involved, do you laundry (washing, drying, and ironing) over the weekend and sort out their uniforms, school bags, undies, socks, homework, etc... and cook and store the family's meals in separate food containers in your deep freezer. That really, really, takes the burden off you.

But having a supportive hubby and father-in-law helped a great deal too.

Thanks that helps.

But the truth is the 3 of them are so important I don't know if I can bear to fail at any of them.

mutter:


Don´t worry you will cope just fine.Women are so good at multi tasking.

People often ask me how I cope and I always give the same answer- one day at a time.
When one day does not go well or you are tired, tomorrow is a new day with new chances.

It is better to try and fail than never try at all.

If you aim for 100 and get 50 you have something. If you aim for zero and get zero- you have nothing.

mutter:


Five years is a long time to keep yourself and him hanging

A man can learn how to kiss. If he is a good man, then he is indeed a gift from God.
When he goes to the US he can also find his feet, other men have done so before him.
You probably get tired of him because he is in a disadvantageous position compared to you.

She doesn't love that man with all her heart there is a small "but" somewhere
When I met and married my husband he didn't have much but I loved him greatly
I couldn't wait to introduce him to friends
He could do no wrong
He was the best thing since sliced bread
I thought he was the most intelligent man I ever met,the sexiest and the most handsome
He was everything I wanted and more
I also came from a comfortable parental background with mom and dad riding two cars,we lived in our own father's house and a home telephone in the house.we were not wealthy but comfortable.
He came from a home where they lived in a yard with other people and were tenants
I had never been a tenant,we owned our house
But his background didn't matter to me
I loved him and that was paramount to anything else and that love made everything else feel right about him

If she truly loved this man she will love his kisses too and will be longing to spend her life with him

cococandy:
Thanks that helps.

But the truth is the 3 of them are so important I don't know if I can bear to fail at any of them.

Then don`t bite more than you can chew. No point taking on more than you can handle. Sometimes we crawl and sometimes we run.
No need burning the candle at both ends.

You have to know that other factors also play a role not just your hard work and motivation. There are some factors you do not have any influence over.
Analyze the situation rationally. Also make sure your husband is solidly behind you!
There is a difference between condoning and being fully in support.
If he is not behind you , it times of stress things might explode.

babyosisi:


She doesn't love that man with all her heart there is a small "but" somewhere
When I met and married my husband he didn't have much but I loved him greatly
I couldn't wait to introduce him to friends
He could do no wrong
He was the best thing since sliced bread
I thought he was the most intelligent man I ever met,the sexiest and the most handsome
He was everything I wanted and more
I also came from a comfortable parental background with mom and dad riding two cars,we lived in our own father's house and a home telephone in the house.we were not wealthy but comfortable.
He came from a home where they lived in a yard with other people and were tenants
I had never been a tenant,we owned our house
But his background didn't matter to me
I loved him and that was paramount to anything else and that love made everything else feel right about him

If she truly loved this man she will love his kisses too and will be longing to spend her life with him

Yes you are right but still many marriages start different to yours and also end up well.
Not in every case is the wife or husband absolutely sure of their choice and it ends well.
Then too there are times the parties are absolutely sure and it does not end well.

I think more important than the butterflies in the stomach is the character of the man.

You fell in love with your husband at once but what fed and nurtured this love to grow?
You have a good man you respect and cherish.
If you had given this love to a man that way unworthy that love would have died by now.

cococandy:
Pls did anybody here go to school and work and have babies at the same time?

How did you do it?

I don't want to start what I can't finish

Cc efemenaxy
Moca
Babyosisi
Mutter

And all the mommas in the house

Yes I did
Here in America you have no choice and there are no house helps
Sorry omalicha
It's the only way . find a good reliable nanny or day care and pop them out now that your are young and get that out of the way

I always tell my younger friends.there is no good or perfect time to have babies
There can never be a time you will say,we are now ready
You just let them come and rough it out

IMHO I would still choose having them young and in day care for hours on end when they were 1,2,3 and 4 years old when they can hardly remember anything than when they are older and you can't attend any school activities and can't do stuff and they remember the lonely times spent at a day care waiting for you to come in with your hair all scattered like a mad woman to pick them up looking all stressed.

My older ones would be asleep at the babysitter some days when I arrived at 10 pm from the library to get them and they will cry when I woke them up.
They don't remember anything about those years

Errm.

I do not like house work and do not volunteer by any chance to do it.
How do you handle a spoilt child/mamas boy.
A loud and proud person
Always stresses on how you must maintain a particular shape in other to keep him interested.
Overweight but not bothered...
Has loud and proud relatives...
Doesn't regard any other persons opinion except that of his family members.
A gossip and has bad hygiene...
Deliberately stingy even when you teach him by giving first...


I do not have a date yet. But if a man has the features above, i cant deal. I run fast...
Please help me on how to go about these. Thanks...

babyosisi:


Yes I did
Here in America you have no choice and there are no house helps
Sorry omalicha
It's the only way find a good reliable nanny or day care and pop them out now that your are young and get that out of the way

I always tell my younger friends.there is no hood time to have babies
There can never be a time you will say,we are now ready
You just let them come and rough it out

IMHO I would still choose having them and young and in day care for hours on end when they were 1,2,3 and 4 years old when they can hardly
remember anything than when they are older and you can't attend any school activities and can't do stuff and they remember the lonely times spent at a day care waiting for you to come in with your hair all scattered like a mad woman to pick them up

Hair scattered like a mad woman! Thank God I am not alone here.

We are finally going for our isiewu dinner date
Make I go wear my mini
See you all
Happy val everyone

babyosisi:
We are finally going for our isiewu dinner date
Make I go wear my mini
See you all
Happy val everyone

Enjoy your date! Happy vals day.

veave:
Errm.

I do not like house work and do not volunteer by any chance to do it.
How do you handle a spoilt child/mamas boy.
A loud and proud person
Always stresses on how you must maintain a particular shape in other to keep him interested.
Overweight but not bothered...
Has loud and proud relatives...
Doesn't regard any other persons opinion except that of his family members.
A gossip and has bad hygiene...
Deliberately stingy even when you teach him by giving first...


I do not have a date yet. But if a man has the features above, i cant deal. I run fast...
Please help me on how to go about these. Thanks...

Why bother learning how to deal with this kind of trouble when you have no business joining yourself with such low life described above?

This would be the only thread (by someone else) I am following in this section. Basically because I am one who is considering getting married but have no clue how the female mind works.

Understanding females have been a major challenge for me and this has led to cases where I am accused of offending some in situations I see no fault in.

If I can get to know and understand at least 1% of the female psyche from this thread, I would consider that a huge leap forward.

How do I handle this.
My husband is always chatting with his female friends.some are single mothers while some he one time or the other. I've complained but hw can't just change. Most times, when I move closer to him while he is chatting. He will close the page and prevent to be reading his mails. There was one I noticed he usually chat with often from morning till late in the night.
I asked him and he confessed that he dated her when I just gave birth one time, that they just dated for a year.
Up till now they still chat everyday till late in the night. Though the lady has a daughter now for a married man in US. The other single mother even came for my daughter's naming ceremony and he introduced her to his Mum as his former classmate in school though they met on facebook and attended different schools.
Pls I need your suggestions pls. Divorce is out of it pls because he won't allow me to go with my childrenand I can't leave them behind either. Also, sex is out of the marriage because since I had my last baby and I am HIV free, I've stopped having sex with him so that I won't get infected. I am ok with that because I even hate men now. But still, I am not happy.

striktlym"This would be the only thread (by someone else) I am following in this section. Basically because I am one who is considering getting married but have no clue how the female mind works.

Understanding females have been a major challenge for me and this has led to cases where I am accused of offending some in situations I see no fault in.

If I can get to know and understand at least 1% of the female psyche from this thread, I would consider that a huge leap forward."

Bros Let me share a very important advice with you...if you apply this advice in your dealings with women, you have, perhaps discovered 50 % of the female psyche.
look up the word " diplomatic ". and analyze its meaning very well....
go through various dictionaries if you have to. and then also look up "tactful" . The dictionaries will tell you they are synonymous But they are actually different when being applied to the way we men deal with WOMEN. Its very difficult to understand females if you apply DIPLOMACY when dealing with them rather be TACTFUL.
let me return back to my seat and continue to follow th thread.

@ striktylm, I don't know why I just dey ffeel u.maybe u r bold enough to accept d truth that u r lost where women are concerned.

Not to worry,u will get there but let me tell u small small things ladies admire in men.

Contrary to d wide believe that women value money more than any other thing,one will still wonder why she still look elsewhere even with d mansion,servants and what hv u at her disposal.
Those little things like,she did a new hair,nails,even new perf and u noticed and complimented. This matters a lot to ur woman.
Most times,allow her to bee d chatter box,make her talk and when she is talking, pls don't be overly distracted. U can pin her down with ur eyes as u do ur lecturer when in school.
Always ask after her family members even though u don't know them,her place of work,her ambitions.
If she is in school encourage her.
Don't demand for sexx as if it's ur right,its not. Learn how tto lead her on and leave her on d edge,let her do d maths.
Pls and pls,if she is in ur house and volunteers to help u cook,(forget all d macho rubbish that u see here always)enter the kitchen with her and get busy. Even though u don't know how to cook,show interest cos u will do it later in marriage one day.

Don't command,shout or bully. U don't use tactics(like somebody up there said)where women r concerned but diplomacy.

Be generous with gifts(not d expensive ones),
Surprises works wonders.

Now if u two r having a heated argument and u found out u r losing it, mellow down cos anger don't pay. U can tame her into submission 100%. D problem is our men r always impatience.
It's very vital to know her background so u know whom u r dealing with cos ideologies might differ.
And most importantly,learn to shift ground even if it doesn't favour u.
I am sorry is just a simple soothing sentence yet very hard coming from some people's mouth. Know when to say sorry. Not complaining always and nagging(men nags a lot)

If u believe in God,Allah,amadioha,ogun,seek their face.

Shiningmama:
How do I handle this.
My husband is always chatting with his female friends.some are single mothers while some he one time or the other. I've complained but hw can't just change. Most times, when I move closer to him while he is chatting. He will close the page and prevent to be reading his mails. There was one I noticed he usually chat with often from morning till late in the night.
I asked him and he confessed that he dated her when I just gave birth one time, that they just dated for a year.
Up till now they still chat everyday till late in the night. Though the lady has a daughter now for a married man in US. The other single mother even came for my daughter's naming ceremony and he introduced her to his Mum as his former classmate in school though they met on facebook and attended different schools.
Pls I need your suggestions pls. Divorce is out of it pls because he won't allow me to go with my childrenand I can't leave them behind either. Also, sex is out of the marriage because since I had my last baby and I am HIV free, I've stopped having sex with him so that I won't get infected. I am ok with that because I even hate men now. But still, I am not happy.

Shiningmama, I've just had a read through of the thread you created a little over a year ago regarding your marital issues, and I think it's safe to say at this point that your problems in that union run far deeper than what you've presented here.

I will log on properly and address these in more detail later today, but first of all, I'd like to know if you're still based at Lagos / Naija, and, if you've now got a job / independent source of income (work)?

Ike77503:
striktlym"This would be the only thread (by someone else) I am following in this section. Basically because I am one who is considering getting married but have no clue how the female mind works.

Understanding females have been a major challenge for me and this has led to cases where I am accused of offending some in situations I see no fault in.

If I can get to know and understand at least 1% of the female psyche from this thread, I would consider that a huge leap forward."

Bros Let me share a very important advice with you...if you apply this advice in your dealings with women, you have, perhaps discovered 50 % of the female psyche.
look up the word " diplomatic ". and analyze its meaning very well....
go through various dictionaries if you have to. and then also look up "tactful" . The dictionaries will tell you they are synonymous But they are actually different when being applied to the way we men deal with WOMEN. Its very difficult to understand females if you apply DIPLOMACY when dealing with them rather be TACTFUL.
let me return back to my seat and continue to follow th thread.

Since you have reclined to your seat I guess its okay to derail with one more post

Um...I quite appreciate your advice and quite frankly I have not only thought about applying diplomacy in my interactions with females but also taken steps (which I later dropped) to ensure that I apply same.

I dropped diplomacy and befriended 'avoidance' because it seemed I get myself into trouble more often than not when I am diplomatic with the opposite sex, not to mention that it makes me feel a bit uneasy cause I keep having this thought that I may just be pretending which is not fun for me.

A little background info may help here...

I grew up practically in the midst of guys where I never needed to think much about actions that aren't wrong in themselves before demonstrating them; with the expectation that my brothers understood such actions without misrepresenting same.

Even when my two sisters came along later, I saw them more like baby brothers. Hence, I didn't have to treat them any differently though my parents gave them some added protection which I didn't understand then.

In any case, my sisters understood our actions without misrepresentation or a need for further clarification when the acts are not wrong in themselves. This was the expectation I grew up with and applied to females in general.

As expected it is not working out. I have no challenge interacting with females who think like guys but this is not the case with the 'girly' kinda females. If interacting with this special breed of females is diplomacy then I do have my work cut out for me, given that I have tried that.

moca:
@ striktylm, I don't know why I just dey ffeel u.maybe u r bold enough to accept d truth that u r lost where women are concerned.

Not to worry,u will get there but let me tell u small small things ladies admire in men.

Contrary to d wide believe that women value money more than any other thing,one will still wonder why she still look elsewhere even with d mansion,servants and what hv u at her disposal.
Those little things like,she did a new hair,nails,even new perf and u noticed and complimented. This matters a lot to ur woman.
Most times,allow her to bee d chatter box,make her talk and when she is talking, pls don't be overly distracted. U can pin her down with ur eyes as u do ur lecturer when in school.
Always ask after her family members even though u don't know them,her place of work,her ambitions.
If she is in school encourage her.
Don't demand for sexx as if it's ur right,its not. Learn how tto lead her on and leave her on d edge,let her do d maths.
Pls and pls,if she is in ur house and volunteers to help u cook,(forget all d macho rubbish that u see here always)enter the kitchen with her and get busy. Even though u don't know how to cook,show interest cos u will do it later in marriage one day.

Don't command,shout or bully. U don't use tactics(like somebody up there said)where women r concerned but diplomacy.

Be generous with gifts(not d expensive ones),
Surprises works wonders.

Now if u two r having a heated argument and u found out u r losing it, mellow down cos anger don't pay. U can tame her into submission 100%. D problem is our men r always impatience.
It's very vital to know her background so u know whom u r dealing with cos ideologies might differ.
And most importantly,learn to shift ground even if it doesn't favour u.
I am sorry is just a simple soothing sentence yet very hard coming from some people's mouth. Know when to say sorry. Not complaining always and nagging(men nags a lot)

If u believe in God,Allah,amadioha,ogun,seek their face.

Thank you so much for that.

Your points are noted and greatly appreciated. I can easily do all you have mentioned except for two:

1) Give up on an argument even when it is heated. I find this extremely difficult especially when my argument is logically sound.

2) Shifting grounds! I am quite a stubborn fellow.

Good thing is I am willing to learn, no matter how difficult.

cococandy:
Pls did anybody here go to school and work and have babies at the same time?

How did you do it?

I don't want to start what I can't finish

Cc efemenaxy
Moca
Babyosisi
Mutter

And all the mommas in the house

This is me now my dear. It was very hard at first but I feel things are better now. One thing I know that made things easier for me was finding a very good nanny and working only on a certain day of the week. That way I could plan ahead.

Wow loving this thread already, thank God i joined this forum. Babyosisi i great you ooo, efemenaxy well done, moca good one.

EfemenaXY:


Shiningmama, I've just had a read through of the thread you created a little over a year ago regarding your marital issues, and I think it's safe to say at this point that your problems in that union run far deeper than what you've presented here.

I will log on properly and address these in more detail later today, but first of all, I'd like to know if you're still based at Lagos / Naija, and, if you've now got a job / independent source of income (work)?

Thanks a lot, I will be waiting. I am based in lagos but no steady income yet.

Really enjoying this thread.
Thanks babymama, efe, mutter and moca. You mamas rock.

cococandy:
Pls did anybody here go to school and work and have babies at the same time?

How did you do it?

I don't want to start what I can't finish

Cc efemenaxy
Moca
Babyosisi
Mutter

And all the mommas in the house

Cocobaby, why don't you just finish school first?

It can be done at the same time but it must be very stressful. If I had to choose, I would do one thing at a time. It's just me, I like to focus on things and I hate stress, it's unhealthy.

You still have time, don't you?

Cococandy,if u hv my kind of body,pls don't combine schooling with childbirth. I advice u take in first and see if pregnancy favors u. If it doesn't,then don't try it.
U can work and still be pregnant even though pregnancy is messing u up but trust me u can't cope with school work.

Then,all depends on ur partner.

Will be moving around greatly in d next 2 to 3 yrs so I do things that don't involve my presence to make money for now.
Will start school after poppin cos I can't cope,even with servants around.

So weigh ur options well and know what works best for u and ur hubby.