EfemenaXY:


I'm still keen on hearing your advice on what she can do to curtail her man's wandering eyes.

will post after work tomorrow, would have read her thread by then. Gosh where is this sleep with i need it? It's 12am.

cytochromeC:

It is either you crushed on him because of his goodness or you grew and discovered the type of man you really want. Whatever it is, i want you to know that it is better to marry a man that is seemingly bad in the eyes of others but share mutual love and respect with his woman than a good man with one sided love. You would be marrying for selfish reasons if it is because you are scared another good man is not alive. It wont be long before you realise the damage you will do to yourself, him, kids and it may be lasting. You grew out of whatever it is you felt for this man and you will not likely go back besides tolerating. I doubt it was love, set yourself and him free. Still i would like to know what attracted you to him in the first place?

FOREXMARTS:


I love this thread, I know it's for wives and have been holding myself on this matter, honestly I can't hold any longer especially when it comes to divorce. Speaking from personal experience I will tell you that only a selfish woman or man walks out of a marriage when children or a child already exists, it will take a miracle for that child to be normal. Not ignoring the fact that there is a marital challenge here but where children are part of the equation divorce shouldn't even be thought of. Should she die in the marriage? Hell no, this is where her survival skills should kick in because if u walk out of the marriage you are indirectly teaching your children that divorce is the only solution and easiest way out of any serious marital issue.

Only a man will tell you the best way to handle another man cos we understand how most of us are wired, I won't ask a man for advice if I have issues with my wife, rather i would go to a matured woman with no less than 20 years experience as a wife. Here is my candid advice from a masculine perspective. You still have something left in that marriage, your daughter, on how to deal with ur husband I will come to that. Right now focus on training and raising ur child in a compete family setting that's you and ur husband, do everything ur supposed to do for him as a wife but no sex or emotions attached (you are doing this to give ur child the adequate environment to grow in. Stay away from those silly excuses ur husband uses to hit you, always remind yourself that you are in this for your child, not you, not him, that child must have a normal life cos she is innocent so you don't rob her of that. I agree with every other advice u have been given but divorce? HELL NO. Will address how to deal with your husband later but for now forget walking out, most of these wonderful ladies here grew up in compete homes and know nothing about the psychological effect of not growing up with single parents, Like I said, Good job to Op and others giving counsels but please where kids are involved never talk of divorce cos u got no idea (no disrespect intended, good job, much love from here).

even at d berge of domestic violence nd abuse?
u stil feel a woman shuld endure?
wat happen if she gets beaten or strangled to death?
i am a survivor of domestic violence nd i am happy dat i walked out of d bondage called marriage wit my child and i took dat discision solely because i want live and take care of her.

my child was already gettin psychologically affected at 1yr 6 months by d beatings to the extend that if any of my neigbours or an outsider scolds their kids she starts screaming nd crying nd holding their legs so as to prevent them from beating their kids which is not their intention.

on my own part i was depressed nd sad.i lived each day in misery nd fear of being hit nd left in pains.

i am better today by God's loving grace nd av moved on. my daughter is growing happily.thanks to my mums support despite her harsh attitude towards me at times.

#saynotodomesticviolence#
#iamasurvivor#

cococandy:
Divorced parents don't need to bad-mouth each other. All the kid/s needs to know is that it wasn't working out.

There's no upside to raising kids in a violent marriage compared to a single parent home.
It is worse. Many have died at the hands of their husbands or wives as we read in the news all the time.
And I know two women liked by their husbands.

A violent marriage is worse than a divorce by far.

One way or the other they will out grow that"it didn't work out"explanation and demand for a real explanation lol trust me on that and when they don't get it will create a rift who amongst the that refused to explain. Singles in courtship waste time on irrelevancies instead of probing and addressing important things only to end up getting married and finding out it won't work, at the end innocent children suffer, it's very unfortunate.

T3Amo:
My boyfriend and I started dating in 2010. I actually met him in Nigeria while I was on vacation there. I will be honest and say that initially he was not really my type(looks) but I decided to give it a try because he had a lot of things that I look for in a man and I did not want to be too superficial. Anyways it's a very long story but we have been in a long distance relationship for almost 5 years ( we see each other like twice a year). This guy really loves me and is a good guy but sometimes I feel 'tired of him' or perhaps I am not really in love with him. I feel bad because I wish I did not feel this way but I feel we have kinda grown apart. Am thinking that it's cos we have not really had a normal relationship, that perhaps maybe when we both in same country that things will be better. He has met most of my family and they love him and vice versa except my dad. Although my dad has never met him. He was not really happy about it. My dad says he wants to find out more about him and his family background. He has a job but it's not what he wants and he is not rich, I on the other hand come from a 'well off' family but money is not and has never been an issue. We are both tired of the long distance relationship so he said that I either relocate to Nigeria or he relocates to Us but since he knows that I will not be as comfy in Naija then he is willing to come this side but that is another headache cos of the process involved and while he is here it means that he may be out of work for a long time. He is very good to me and treats me well. There was a time I suspected infidelity but could not prove it. All his friends, family and colleagues know of me. Am actually in contact with his family and his friends. Another issue is we are not sexually compatible and he is also a bad kisser. I don't enjoy kissing him. I have really been trying because he is a good person and men like him and are rare these days. But since we started dating till now I have been battling if he is actually the one for me.

It's clear you're not really into that man. The more you stay with him the more you'll even not like him. Infact, you'll hate him by the time you live with him for 1 year, even 6 months. Do yourself a favour by waiting for a man you will freely like to kiss. Anybody you cannot kiss freely you don't like them. Just keeping it real.

ephee:




even at d berge of domestic violence nd abuse?
u stil feel a woman shuld endure?
wat happen if she gets beaten or strangled to death?
i am a survivor of domestic violence nd i am happy dat i walked out of d bondage called marriage wit my child and i took dat discision solely because i want live and take care of her.

my child was already gettin psychologically affected at 1yr 6 months by d beatings to the extend that if any of my neigbours or an outsider scolds their kids she starts screaming nd crying nd holding their legs so as to prevent them from beating their kids which is not their intention.

on my own part i was depressed nd sad.i lived each day in misery nd fear of being hit nd left in pains.

i am better today by God's loving grace nd av moved on. my daughter is growing happily.thanks to my mums support despite her harsh attitude towards me at times.

#saynotodomesticviolence#
#iamasurvivor#

Oh..My...Gawd!

Now this is a live example. Exactly the sort of harm to kids we've been harping on about.

Case Closed.

P.s: Ephee, that took some real guts for you to decide enough was enough, and then walking out, in one piece, alive.

ephee:




even at d berge of domestic violence nd abuse?
u stil feel a woman shuld endure?
wat happen if she gets beaten or strangled to death?
i am a survivor of domestic violence nd i am happy dat i walked out of d bondage called marriage wit my child and i took dat discision solely because i want live and take care of her.

my child was already gettin psychologically affected at 1yr 6 months by d beatings to the extend that if any of my neigbours or an outsider scolds their kids she starts screaming nd crying nd holding their legs so as to prevent them from beating their kids which is not their intention.

on my own part i was depressed nd sad.i lived each day in misery nd fear of being hit nd left in pains.

i am better today by God's loving grace nd av moved on. my daughter is growing happily.thanks to my mums support despite her harsh attitude towards me at times.

#saynotodomesticviolence#
#iamasurvivor#

Yes i thought about it but the case of the lady in question here is different, you could take your child but she has stated that her chances of taking her child on a scale of 1 to 10 is likely 0 zero that's the main reason why I find it hard supporting the idea of her walking out. If she (an adult can't survive the husband's abuse what makes anyone think her daughter will survive him? You get my point? Her daughter's life will even be worse if his girlfriend moves in and becomes a step mum, next we will see a thread here how a woman beat a step daughter to death. If she won't win custody of her daughter please don't advice her to leave.

Come on, someone should understand me nau(lol). This kitchen is getting hot lol.

Abeg, una goodnight.

EfemenaXY:
Abeg, una goodnight.

Lol I never sleep, you wan leave me here.

FOREXMARTS:


Yes i thought about it but the case of the lady in question here is different, you could take your child but she has stated that her chances of taking her child on a scale of 1 to 10 is likely 0 zero that's the main reason why I find it hard supporting the idea of her walking out. If she (an adult can't survive the husband's abuse what makes anyone think her daughter will survive him? You get my point? Her daughter's life will even be worse if his girlfriend moves in and becomes a step mum, next we will see a thread here how a woman beat a step daughter to death. If she won't win custody of her daughter please don't advice her to leave.

Come on, someone should understand me nau(lol). This kitchen is getting hot lol.

Perhaps there is a way she could leave with her children. I understand that in Nigeria this may be more problematic than in the west, but this is where threads such as these may present a solution she'd not thought of before.

Flytefalls:

Perhaps there is a way she could leave with her children. I understand that in Nigeria this may be more problematic than in the west, but this is where threads such as these may present a solution she'd not thought of before.

"Solution" that's the word am about. Her walking out without the child ain't one. Thanks for understanding.

@FOREXMARTS, you dont want shining mama's daughter to start reasoning like this

bestestgirl:
Hi guys, thanks for the great job you guys are doing on this thread.
Ok so my own issue is kind of strange. I am single and very happy, have a good job and currently doing my Masters. the thing is: the thought of marriage scares me sh**less, I acknowledge that I would have to succumb to society someday but right now? I'm not even interested in dating.
I see how girls cry for joy when getting engaged and I am wondering if something is wrong with me?

I think you saw some ills that made you lost interest in marriage. I want you to work on and have your own good perception about marriage to replace the bad one you have because that alone will indicate you know where you are and where you are going. But if you continue like this and go in for societal reasons, you may not know your destination as you dont even know where you are. Some of those happy bride may not end well thus making your indifferent stand strong. First of all know that there are still good like bad marriages. Then choose in your heart what you desire. See it like you are meant to make a choice from various dress for an occasion and you desire just one best that you will go and look for inspite of fakes that wont do, will you not know the qualities of the original one before going to the market? But first for you to have choosen this dress means it met your desired taste which is like knowing what you want in a man. Now when going to the market do you not keep positive that you will find that dress knowing it exist as you saw a sample or you just go for any available one? Should you not find the dress, do you check another market, time or something as you cant settle for less and be confident/happy with your decision or you go for any available? Marriage is a choice you make that wont affect the fact that the good is there like the bad, but your choice affect you for good or bad, so you see, the stake lies largely at your choice.

@shiningmama, your esteem as been greatly eroded that i fear after all said and done here you will still pray tonight for that husband of yours to change instead of your esteem. I say so because you are not yet tired of your situation, the day you become really tired, you will know what to put in place as well as plan you and your kids exit. For how long are you going to deny yourself and him sex and expect not to take the blame for him going outside? Note this; YOU CANT CHANGE WHATEVER YOU TOLERATE.

@ cococandy, Your statement brought back old memories.

It's Indeed crazy that most parents choose to stay in a marriage just because of the percieved stigma of divorced kids.

I remember waking up one morning and I asked my parents to seperate, I remember the ceaseless fights, the broken appliances, the blood spill, the hateful words, the endless family mediations, the hospital adventures and everything. I remember it all.

My SuGar-DAD and SuGar-MUM are the best parents ever, they are my bestfriends but their marriage was a disaster...

Their marriage wrecked my psych and caused me to hate them for years...I had a dream once to be like Oprah (To never get married) but all that has changed..

I've gotten over all that now...There are good marriages out there and mine won't be different...

Please, You cause more harm to your children if you stay in a disastrous marriage...I won't advice divorce but seperation for a period to evaluaate the situation properly and find a solution.

chisom101:
Thank u very much ma,I don see hell for this marriage.

Do you mind sharing

cytochromeC:
My issue is related to te3Amo's case. I have been in a relationship for over 3years with a VERY good man. We stay in different states and we get to see each other at least once in 3months. In the first 2years, i was convinced i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but right now, im battling with the chemistry. I do not look forward to kissing him any more. I always find an excuse for him to take his hands off me anytime i go visiting because it feels like a stranger's hands . This odd feelings started like a year ago and i have tried all i can to make things return to how they used to when i was crazy about him. We are very good friends and he has been extremely good to me, but the physical attraction isnt there for me anymore. I told him the last time i saw him and the first question he asked was "do you still love me" to which i could not genuinely answer. I was confused because i sincerely do not know what is wrong.. I am not extremely excited as a lover, about his calls, chats and visits anymore and it hurts me.

I do not see myself with any other man because i dont think there can be anyone out there who possesses all the attributes he has. At the same time, i do not want to be with someone i see as a brother, someone i do not have romantic feelings towards. I also dont want him to end up with someone who will be forcing herself to kiss and have sex with in marriage. He deserves better.

We talk about our future but it scares me..this future might be in a year from now.

how can i help my situation ? How important is chemistry in marriage? Can it be worked on without being forced? I am not ready to give up but i need advice.

I would appreciate views on this as this is an issue bothering me.

thanks.

Out of the stories of love and marriage I have heard from friends and acquaintances regarding how they met their husbands ,I only have one friend that tells me she was never in love with her husband from day one,they are still married till this day but she said there is no sexual attraction to him whatsoever.
She said she married him out of fear that nobody will come.
She was a party girl and dated many men and did shakara to many that came to marry her and all of a sudden years went by and everyone was getting married and suddenly she found herself at 29 and no one was coming so according to her,she cried to God to send her someone because she didn't want to be single and 30 and co incidentally this man came and asked her hand and she said I do and married him.
They have children together and are man and wife ,no plans to divorce,she accepted marriage to a man she has absolutely no ounce of attraction to and just managing things.he is nice to her and the kids but she doesn't love him.
I felt so sad to hear this .

Just like the woman above,you are not in love with this man and I wouldn't advice you to go on with that wedding

Be very sincere there is something about him you don't like and you cannot get past it .You have forced yourself to overlook it but you really cannot.Do you want to share what that is?that could be what you need to address
Like I told the other young girl,this should be a great time for you where you can't wait to see each other and talk to each other and make plans for your life together and look forward to it with excitement.If it's not happening something is not right.Looks like he isn't the one

Floodgater:
@shiningmama, your esteem as been greatly eroded that i fear after all said and done here you will still pray tonight for that husband of yours to change instead of your esteem. I say so because you are not yet tired of your situation, the day you become really tired, you will know what to put in place as well as plan you and your kids exit. For how long are you going to deny yourself and him sex and expect not to take the blame for him going outside? Note this; YOU CANT CHANGE WHATEVER YOU TOLERATE.

Hahahahaha! Pray for him to change? Instead I've started prophesying into my daughter's marriage ooo so that she won't marry someone like her dad. I may not be there for her when that time comes.
I must confess I do pray and fast before but I stopped doing that after I opened the thread in Dec 2013. Thanks to Greatgod 2012, Nashville and some others that I can't remember their moniker. I confronted him and for the first timeeee, he apologised. But it seems he can't just stop chatting with them. He can't just stop!
He won't allow me to go with my kids, I can't be giving details here because I don't know who is who. I won't if he sees this thread so that he can know what I am going through. I've begged him to marry any of these girls so that I can have peace but he refused. I've asked him what he is still looking for no comments. Yet, he tells me he loves me . (I no swallow that one oo)

ephee:




even at d berge of domestic violence nd abuse?
u stil feel a woman shuld endure?
wat happen if she gets beaten or strangled to death?
i am a survivor of domestic violence nd i am happy dat i walked out of d bondage called marriage wit my child and i took dat discision solely because i want live and take care of her.

my child was already gettin psychologically affected at 1yr 6 months by d beatings to the extend that if any of my neigbours or an outsider scolds their kids she starts screaming nd crying nd holding their legs so as to prevent them from beating their kids which is not their intention.

on my own part i was depressed nd sad.i lived each day in misery nd fear of being hit nd left in pains.

i am better today by God's loving grace nd av moved on. my daughter is growing happily.thanks to my mums support despite her harsh attitude towards me at times.

#saynotodomesticviolence#
#iamasurvivor#

maybe u kept doing the same thing dat makes him to hit u,children brought up in a divorced home takes marraige d way their parents take it,and it continues going on like dat in d family,if its something u re doing dats nt good,dat makes him to beat u,u need to change and dance to his tunes,men just dnt necessarily beat up a woman for nothing,if d nagging of a thing can stop for once,then he will stop beating u,cos u never knw what kind of behavior d next man u will marry have

MojAyo:
maybe u kept doing the same thing dat makes him to hit u,children brought up in a divorced home takes marraige d way their parents take it,and it continues going on like dat in d family,if its something u re doing dats nt good,dat makes him to beat u,u need to change and dance to his tunes,men just dnt necessarily beat up a woman for nothing,if d nagging of a thing can stop for once,then he will stop beating u,cos u never knw what kind of behavior d next man u will marry have

FOREXMARTS:


Yes i thought about it but the case of the lady in question here is different, you could take your child but she has stated that her chances of taking her child on a scale of 1 to 10 is likely 0 zero that's the main reason why I find it hard supporting the idea of her walking out. If she (an adult can't survive the husband's abuse what makes anyone think her daughter will survive him? You get my point? Her daughter's life will even be worse if his girlfriend moves in and becomes a step mum, next we will see a thread here how a woman beat a step daughter to death. If she won't win custody of her daughter please don't advice her to leave.

Come on, someone should understand me nau(lol). This kitchen is getting hot lol.

I understand your viewpoint!

I don't think every domestic violence case should be treated the same way.

For some cases, whether we like it or not, the only viable option is for the lady to stay separated from the man; without even disclosing her location to him when she eventually leaves.

Other cases are better managed with varying degrees of counselling. I am not sure how weighty the lady's case is but if it is the former, it's advisable that she leaves immediately. Every second she spends there may just put her and her child in grave danger.

Sometimes the cases are not clearcut where you can easily identify which would lead to a grave end or not and this is one reason that a temporary separation is best at first before they start taking measures to settle their differences.

edwife:
Later today,i went through many rants about valentines in stella blog but what caught my attention is the comments of women....









The reason i posted this is to evaluate our lives,yes we might think we are the only one in this situation or it is rosy for some.My question is,must the circle continues?is there an end to this?when will a nigerian woman know when it is enough!

I got so depressed and tearful at some of the comments and let me thinking....
If only our society was fair to women,if only....

We do not know What We want in Nigeria

Women are taught they build their homes and yet We complain about the men later....

There is a Yoruba proverb that 'a husband's house is a school'... well your education depends on How your teacher wants it

Women are taught to have patience bla bla daily etc.

And We complain of bad husbands?

This is just the beginning

If There is no right foundation, then it is OYO

MojAyo:
maybe u kept doing the same thing dat makes him to hit u,children brought up in a divorced home takes marraige d way their parents take it,and it continues going on like dat in d family,if its something u re doing dats nt good,dat makes him to beat u,u need to change and dance to his tunes,men just dnt necessarily beat up a woman for nothing,if d nagging of a thing can stop for once,then he will stop beating u,cos u never knw what kind of behavior d next man u will marry have

Is this coming from a woman? +100 likes for you, I tried in all my comments to stay away from these part of the advice so I don't sound biassed but good a thing you raised it.

@shiningmama I having this feeling in me that tells me you still have an ace and joker card you haven't played out yet, now is the time for you to play em, go to the drawing board and come up with a game plan, even without you being able to divulge info on ur husband's character(which I understand) well let's still look for solution. Make I go read ur thread now.

A pleasant morning all you wonderful ladies.

cococandy:
A broken home is not only one where the parents are divorced.
Some married men and women still operate broken Homes.
And it affects the kids too as obviously shown in the attitude of the man.
It is even worse than single parenthood because the kids see violence and infidelity as normal in their formative years.

And yet the circle continues abi are all the terrible spouses currently from broken and divorced families?

Also some people ought not to marry... they do not have the capacity for it.

FOREXMARTS:



Is this coming from a woman? +100 likes for you, I tried in all my comments to stay away from these part of the advice so I don't sound biassed but good a thing you raised it.

@shiningmama I having this feeling in me that tells me you still have an ace and joker card you haven't played out yet, now is the time for you to play em, go to the drawing board and come up with a game plan, even without you being able to divulge info on ur husband's character(which I understand) well let's still look for solution. Make I go read ur thread now.

A pleasant morning all you wonderful ladies.

oh now he becomes honest.
You agree with the mojayo lady that it is her fault. She must be doing something that makes him beat her.

I give up.

"Children from divorced homes take marriage the way their parents do" according to yous.
So how do children from violent backgrounds see marriage as?

A peaceful Union?

Floodgater:
I think you saw some ills that made you lost interest in marriage. I want you to work on and have your own good perception about marriage to replace the bad one you have because that alone will indicate you know where you are and where you are going. But if you continue like this and go in for societal reasons, you may not know your destination as you dont even know where you are. Some of those happy bride may not end well thus making your indifferent stand strong. First of all know that there are still good like bad marriages. Then choose in your heart what you desire. See it like you are meant to make a choice from various dress for an occasion and you desire just one best that you will go and look for inspite of fakes that wont do, will you not know the qualities of the original one before going to the market? But first for you to have choosen this dress means it met your desired taste which is like knowing what you want in a man. Now when going to the market do you not keep positive that you will find that dress knowing it exist as you saw a sample or you just go for any available one? Should you not find the dress, do you check another market, time or something as you cant settle for less and be confident/happy with your decision or you go for any available? Marriage is a choice you make that wont affect the fact that the good is there like the bad, but your choice affect you for good or bad, so you see, the stake lies largely at your choice.

Thanks. thats what I keep telling myself, guess I just have to start believing.

MojAyo:
maybe u kept doing the same thing dat makes him to hit u,children brought up in a divorced home takes marraige d way their parents take it,and it continues going on like dat in d family,if its something u re doing dats nt good,dat makes him to beat u,u need to change and dance to his tunes,men just dnt necessarily beat up a woman for nothing,if d nagging of a thing can stop for once,then he will stop beating u,cos u never knw what kind of behavior d next man u will marry have

mojayo dear i know what marriage entails nd i can tell u i dnt nag nd i had to obey all he wanted for peace sake but instead i was taken for granted.i doubt if u can take a pinch of all d rubbish u took.


lemme give u some hints

i had to mix diesel and kerosene to cook coz he wanted d kerosene to last mind u am ashmatic but i obeyed.

he cant stand my baby crying coz it pisses him off to d xtend he spanked her hard at 2months

he dosnt allow me use d fridge to store foods coz he says d odor wil pollute d fridge

av got quite a lot of ridiculous tins i had to succumb to for peace sake but did d beatings stop? NO

hez been hitting me all tru pregnancy but i endured. i was taking care of the home despite not contributing financially instead he puts his money on bets and football while we go hungry.but i stil struggled nd made sure i took care of every bills and xpenses witout complaining.

i tried getting him a job but he said he dosnt like office work and if d pay is not up to 50k then he is not intrested.

to crown it up he lied he was an OND holder whereas he had only SSCE and forged results which was d reason he didnt want an office job coz he has nothing to bak it up sine results are always comfirmed but i stil stayed and encouraged him despite dat.


he is naturally violent,aggressive and proud.

who told u products of divorced kids also follows same trend.i know quite a lot of kids who are happily married nd waxing strong bcoz their parents mistake was a source of lesson for them and they ensured they neva repeat them in their own marriages.


i blive no matter d reason a man shouldnt raise up his finger on a woman rather he shuld walk away then com bak later. one way or d other they wil sort it out.


i blive i wil find a man that wil understand and love me for who i am. i am not perfect but i am peaceful nd patient. for d fact i went tru hell wit a man dosnt make me generalize that all men ar d same.there are still good and outstanding men out there.


if ur hubby hits u and u feel its wort the stay its entirely ur opinion.for d fact u have a good husband dosnt mean its by ur submission and obedience.ur hubby is only manly enough to handle u witout issues xcept if u ar lieing.

Thumbs up.
There is so mature and genuine. I love this thread.
It is like balsam to the soul.

Please for any of you in an abusive marriage. Pick up your courage and leave. God will always find a way to make it right.
When I left my ex with kids I was headed into the unknown. Yes I was lucky that I had the opportunity to go to Germany but I went through a great deal of pans, hard work, adjusting and trying to find my feet.
Yes I paid a very high price for leaving but it was worth it at the end and God remained faithful.

What kept me so long in that marriage was also pressure. From seeing others marriage work out, from family. Everyone kept giving advice like be humble, be obedient and the beating will stop. That was the biggest mistake because it just got worse.
The things I got beaten for were absurd.
- I did not hear him at the door at 2 in the morning.
- I cooked and gave his people form the village chicken.
- I looked a male visitor in the face.
- The curtain was not straight.
- I was not responding in bed which meant I probably got it somewhere else.

He had this habit of summoning a "tribunal" made up of his family or friends and they would start querying me. I just did not understand it. I did not dare tell them what was going on because that would only attract another beating. Well noted the whole time kneeling and only apologizing. Finally one day I showed some women my bruises. They were shocked. After my ex had hit me the first time on the face and got rebuked from a senior officer he never made that mistake again. He would hit me more on my trunk upper arms and upper legs. He told me that those were parts of my body I had no right to expose to another man. So it actually went quite unnoticed, only that I would limp at times and sometimes I could not even sit down. IT was bad.

Then he had this sick habit of asking me to take off my undies for him to control when I came back home. At a stage he even wanted to inspect me. Why wold I protest if I was innocent he would ask.

Did I ever mention a woman I knew who was raped when the daughter was just a day old and all the stitches bust
In the early hours of the night I begged him to take me to the hospital to be stitched back because the longer it was open, the less the chance of healing. It took so long, the baby cried and cried while they were stitching me and my husband ordered the nurse to put the baby on my breast. I was in so much pain because the doctor did not use enough anesthetics. Being a military hospital the nurse complied and was trying to hold the baby on my breast. I pleaded with her not to. I didn't want my daughter to drink my pain
She put her finger into the baby´ baby´s mouth.

Yes it was bad and it was getting really SICK!

Then he decided to take another wife. He brought a man and a batman to do all the chore for him, did not eat my food. He locked me out of my room. would have to wait for him to come home late in the night and then he would open his room and ask me to come and sleep there. In the morning he would let me enter my room to change. He took the car away from me. Made me give him all my salary.

Then finally I took the step. I went to visit his people in the village to explain that I could not cope. They had nothing to say except that I should go but alone.
I went home to my family, they said I could go but he could not put me up. He did not want the army in his home.
So I called my grandmother in Germany. God bless her departed soul! She went the very next day to the airline and booked one way tickets for me and the kids. I told my ex that my grand grand mum had invited me to Germany with the kid`s to see her now she was getting old. He let me go happily because he was planning his wedding.

When you read all this you would realize that it was constructive desertion-

My ex by his action made it impossible/ forced me to live for me to stay.
When a man makes it impossible for you to stay. Then you are not leaving the home but the man sent you off.

I wish I could proudly say I left on my own free will. But I actually had no choice.

After leaving the marriage the greatest bitterness was giving that man the best years of my life.

cococandy:
oh now he becomes honest.
You agree with the mojayo lady that it is her fault. She must be doing something that makes him beat her.

I give up.

"Children from divorced homes take marriage the way their parents do" according to yous.
So how do children from violent backgrounds see marriage as?

A peaceful Union?

Lol not agreeing in the context of fault in the context of survival, when eating with a devil use a long spoon meaning she shouldn't give him any reason to hit her by any chance at all. All am saying is this, "if you must walk out of the marriage, take your daughter" that's all I ask for.

ephee:


mojayo dear i know what marriage entails nd i can tell u i dnt nag nd i had to obey all he wanted for peace sake but instead i was taken for granted.i doubt if u can take a pinch of all d rubbish u took.


lemme give u some hints

i had to mix diesel and kerosene to cook coz he wanted d kerosene to last mind u am ashmatic but i obeyed.

he cant stand my baby crying coz it pisses him off to d xtend he spanked her hard at 2months

he dosnt allow me use d fridge to store foods coz he says d odor wil pollute d fridge

av got quite a lot of ridiculous tins i had to succumb to for peace sake but did d beatings stop? NO

hez been hitting me all tru pregnancy but i endured. i was taking care of the home despite not contributing financially instead he puts his money on bets and football while we go hungry.but i stil struggled nd made sure i took care of every bills and xpenses witout complaining.

i tried getting him a job but he said he dosnt like office work and if d pay is not up to 50k then he is not intrested.

to crown it up he lied he was an OND holder whereas he had only SSCE and forged results which was d reason he didnt want an office job coz he has nothing to bak it up sine results are always comfirmed but i stil stayed and encouraged him despite dat.


he is naturally violent,aggressive and proud.

who told u products of divorced kids also follows same trend.i know quite a lot of kids who are happily married nd waxing strong bcoz their parents mistake was a source of lesson for them and they ensured they neva repeat them in their own marriages.


i blive no matter d reason a man shouldnt raise up his finger on a woman rather he shuld walk away then com bak later. one way or d other they wil sort it out.


i blive i wil find a man that wil understand and love me for who i am. i am not perfect but i am peaceful nd patient. for d fact i went tru hell wit a man dosnt make me generalize that all men ar d same.there are still good and outstanding men out there.


if ur hubby hits u and u feel its wort the stay its entirely ur opinion.for d fact u have a good husband dosnt mean its by ur submission and obedience.ur hubby is only manly enough to handle u witout issues xcept if u ar lieing.

No sane person will support what u went through, good a thing u got ur daughter. I still maintain my stand that if woman must leave as last resort don't leave without the kids.

mutter:
Thumbs up.
There is so mature and genuine. I love this thread.
It is like balsam to the soul.

Please for any of you in an abusive marriage. Pick up your courage and leave. God will always find a way to make it right.
When I left my ex with kids I was headed into the unknown. Yes I was lucky that I had the opportunity to go to Germany but I went through a great deal of pans, hard work, adjusting and trying to find my feet.
Yes I paid a very high price for leaving but it was worth it at the end and God remained faithful.

What kept me so long in that marriage was also pressure. From seeing others marriage work out, from family. Everyone kept giving advice like be humble, be obedient and the beating will stop. That was the biggest mistake because it just got worse.
The things I got beaten for were absurd.
- I did not hear him at the door at 2 in the morning.
- I cooked and gave his people form the village chicken.
- I looked a male visitor in the face.
- The curtain was not straight.
- I was not responding in bed which meant I probably got it somewhere else.

He had this habit of summoning a "tribunal" made up of his family or friends and they would start querying me. I just did not understand it. I did not dare tell them what was going on because that would only attract another beating. Well noted the whole time kneeling and only apologizing. Finally one day I showed some women my bruises. They were shocked. After my ex had hit me the first time on the face and got rebuked from a senior officer he never made that mistake again. He would hit me more on my trunk upper arms and upper legs. He told me that those were parts of my body I had no right to expose to another man. So it actually went quite unnoticed, only that I would limp at times and sometimes I could not even sit down. IT was bad.

Then he had this sick habit of asking me to take off my undies for him to control when I came back home. At a stage he even wanted to inspect me. Why wold I protest if I was innocent he would ask.

Did I ever mention a woman I knew who was raped when the daughter was just a day old and all the stitches bust
In the early hours of the night I begged him to take me to the hospital to be stitched back because the longer it was open, the less the chance of healing. It took so long, the baby cried and cried while they were stitching me and my husband ordered the nurse to put the baby on my breast. I was in so much pain because the doctor did not use enough anesthetics. Being a military hospital the nurse complied and was trying to hold the baby on my breast. I pleaded with her not to. I didn't want my daughter to drink my pain
She put her finger into the baby´ baby´s mouth.

Yes it was bad and it was getting really SICK!

Then he decided to take another wife. He brought a man and a batman to do all the chore for him, did not eat my food. He locked me out of my room. would have to wait for him to come home late in the night and then he would open his room and ask me to come and sleep there. In the morning he would let me enter my room to change. He took the car away from me. Made me give him all my salary.

Then finally I took the step. I went to visit his people in the village to explain that I could not cope. They had nothing to say except that I should go but alone.
I went home to my family, they said I could go but he could not put me up. He did not want the army in his home.
So I called my grandmother in Germany. God bless her departed soul! She went the very next day to the airline and booked one way tickets for me and the kids. I told my ex that my grand grand mum had invited me to Germany with the kid`s to see her now she was getting old. He let me go happily because he was planning his wedding.

When you read all this you would realize that it was constructive desertion-

My ex by his action made it impossible/ forced me to live for me to stay.
When a man makes it impossible for you to stay. Then you are not leaving the home but the man sent you off.

I wish I could proudly say I left on my own free will. But I actually had no choice.

After leaving the marriage the greatest bitterness was giving that man the best years of my life.

Jesu! this is such a sad story.

Confused.

andromida:


Jesu! this is such a sad story.

It's actually bringing back memories I hate to remember, am just fighting for the kids, just factor em in when you decide to leave, God bless you all good women but may God punish the bad ones who abandon their kids to suffer in the hands of a man they couldn't stand or live with. Thank you.