If marriage is dz difficult,then y do women who have been married for so long glamourize and make it seem like happily ever after? Suffice to say,women are the greatest pretenders and it will do us good never to throw our "so called marital bliss" into other women's faces.

watchman111:
is this thread only for intended wivessad...I needed advice oh..nevertheless,I will state my problem noe and I hope somebody will help me out............ I am in a relationship with a certain girl.a no sex relationship to be precised.this is because we agreed to date even without having sex.some weeks ago she asked for it,even though I didn't react badly just to save her pride,but I have lost the zeal to continue with the relationship.although her excuse was that she loves me and wanted to give me all that she has even her virginity..I have lost interest in her,do I continue or just break up at once??please I really need answers.

so because you two had sex you want to break up, this one is strong o

Beamborla:
What advice do you have for people who feel so indifferent about marriage?
And those who no matter how they try to love that great guy, they just don't go beyond liking the person?

Either you're not ready or you've not met the right person.

bisiswag:
If marriage is dz difficult,then y do women who have been married for so long glamourize and make it seem like happily ever after? Suffice to say,women are the greatest pretenders and it will do us good never to throw our "so called marital bliss" into other women's faces.

some marriages are sweet, but most are really tough.

zara360:
Pls babyosisi give me your email Address

babyosisi@hotmail.com

Mikwus:



Aunty Osisi

I left a 6yr relationship after my ex's dad told him that he was not in support of our intended marriage. Reason is my genotype "SS", though he is "AA". In less than a month my ex told me he was getting married.........I was heart broken and almost died from heartache. It's been 3yrs now and somehow by God's Grace i lived through it.

2yrs after my breakup and healing I met a man and i like him so much. He is a gentleman. From a good Christian home. I know he loves me because despite all my excesses (arrogance and ill-temper, NO Sexual Excess) he's still with me. He believes so much in us, but i don't believe it anymore. It's been 2yrs+ since he asked we pray to know God's will about us and I'm so tired of waiting because he doesn't have a stable job and he is really waiting on God for a miracle. I'm 30yrs old and i want to settle down because i believe it will help keep me more focused especially in my prayer life....(i believe i can pray with and for him as a friend but not for God to bless him 'cos i want to marry him, i just think it's too selfish a prayer) I believe we can settle and i can pray with and for him as my husband.

Now I have suitors lined up. A queue i know that i can choose anyone from and I will be able to live with that person.

I am afraid of waiting and perhaps in the end it would be the same story as the last.

Problem is, he doesn't want to commit totally, in his words "I CANNOT ASK YOU TO STAY, BUT IF YOU FEEL YOU CANNOT WAIT, I WILL WISH YOU WELL BUT I WOULD RATHER WAIT FOR GOD TO LEAD ME THAN MAKE A MISTAKE"

I am confused........right now, I've resulted to telling others i'm not dating and just looking up to God to direct the right person 'cos i'm confused as they are quite a good number of them.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't know what to do............I'm not sleeping with anyone, i'm just trying to establish a good relationship first before i strike out some , but AM I GOING ABOUT IT THE RIGHT WAY??

Having plenty suitors is a good thing.
It shows that men can see the good quality in you and desire you for a wife
To be frank with you,at 30 you are very very ready for marriage and you need not hang around anyone who is taking years to pray about his choice.You don't have that kind of time as a lady.
I am not one of those who believe there is just one special person for you
There are many men you could marry and be happy with
You get out of a marriage what you put into it
That highlighted part above summarizes his stand
If any of the other young men fits your taste and requirements for a spouse ,give the person a chance and see how it goes
You are "a free agent " at this time IMHO

Bootybuttchic:
Want to spill mine too.after folowin day and nait,aunt osisi help me

I and dis guy have been dating for d past 2/3years,our third year initialy,at times we cud be besties,and other times we fight which shld be normal,but since last year we quarel a lot,tho we are far away due to schoolin,and we have sharing issues,i always help in when he is in need even wen he doesnt ask,but he doesnt,he wud just be like eeya,hmmn etc,and when i ask he may help but say he forgot i told him anytin,.....when i try to tel hm my mind,he would say,i shld remember hes a student,i shld wait,hes graduating this year,bla bla bla,and i am usually like,stop talkin like am after money,but sometimes u shld just try to help,little gestures people do to show love,it shldnt be one sided,i have actually on my own part stopped helping him too.planned to nt give him a gift on his coming birthday
,another thing is he is extravagant,he spends too much,and av been trying to curb that,its part of d reasons he is always broke...i teach him many things,some times i think maybe its cos he is neva had his mum,but i tel him if i do this continuosly,u wont like it at a point and u wil take it like i complain too much,and i cant marry someone like that.,..tho we love each other now the issue is,in school we had a mariage seminar in church about marriage,i prayed and told God to show me d right way.so as not to marry a wrong persn,and i said if he is d one,somethn shld happen in 7days(i knw it sounds crazy)but on d 7th day we quarelld,and broke up,but he came begn d nextday,and next,i ansad,and we planned to see,i pray alot .so whle praying again that night i told God to lets make up,i.e we shld be happy like we usualy do,it shld be worthwhile if we were for each other,but when we saw ehn,we quarelld imagined,its never happend before......what do u people think,pls help a sister out

You both are still very young especially him
It is not common that a girl will marry her age mate and classmate
Usually when you are ready for marriage,he is just starting to find his feet
He is in the third year you say,I guess about 22-24 years old maybe younger
The girl he will marry is probably now in JSS 3
I am being very frank with you,I know there are exceptions too.
Most men start thinking seriously about marriage at about 30 on the average or thereabout
At that age they are done with school,have a steady job and income and ready to settle

ichidodo:
We are not here to cast a negative light on your dreams with lekan we just want to see things through your father's eyes as regards his disapproval so that you can get a little idea of his motives and fears. But we glad he's going to see your father at least that should count for something, who knows? Your dad could inexplicably just consent.....maybe because he's friend's wife-battering yoruba son-in-law didn't do what lekan is about to do thus a jinx could be broken and he's good with your yoruba boyfriend....we are praying for you.

Great and if her father insists on a capital no after many many many trials to convince him and much prayers ,she should call it quits
That is my personal opinion
Igbos say that the thing an elder saw while sitting down,a child could never see even if he climbs up a palm tree
Like Herrz,I love my dad greatly and think he is a very wise man
I would never disobey him in something as important as this

Bootybuttchic:
Want to spill mine too.after folowin day and nait,aunt osisi help me

I and dis guy have been dating for d past 2/3years,our third year initialy,at times we cud be besties,and other times we fight which shld be normal,but since last year we quarel a lot,tho we are far away due to schoolin,and we have sharing issues,i always help in when he is in need even wen he doesnt ask,but he doesnt,he wud just be like eeya,hmmn etc,and when i ask he may help but say he forgot i told him anytin,.....when i try to tel hm my mind,he would say,i shld remember hes a student,i shld wait,hes graduating this year,bla bla bla,and i am usually like,stop talkin like am after money,but sometimes u shld just try to help,little gestures people do to show love,it shldnt be one sided,i have actually on my own part stopped helping him too.planned to nt give him a gift on his coming birthday
,another thing is he is extravagant,he spends too much,and av been trying to curb that,its part of d reasons he is always broke...i teach him many things,some times i think maybe its cos he is neva had his mum,but i tel him if i do this continuosly,u wont like it at a point and u wil take it like i complain too much,and i cant marry someone like that.,..tho we love each other now the issue is,in school we had a mariage seminar in church about marriage,i prayed and told God to show me d right way.so as not to marry a wrong persn,and i said if he is d one,somethn shld happen in 7days(i knw it sounds crazy)but on d 7th day we quarelld,and broke up,but he came begn d nextday,and next,i ansad,and we planned to see,i pray alot .so whle praying again that night i told God to lets make up,i.e we shld be happy like we usualy do,it shld be worthwhile if we were for each other,but when we saw ehn,we quarelld imagined,its never happend before......what do u people think,pls help a sister out

This is a toxic relationship that is best ended between you both.

Neither of you are emotionally, financially or even spiritually ready to take up the reins of marriage.

Just keep it platonic and concrete on your studies, which incidentally, ought to be your number one priority.

djon78:


Personaly most times if not all the time, these women are to blame for there woes. Why? Because most of the time while single, they were approached by good men but they rejected them because they may not have much money or charisma like the other deceiving men, therefore they end up falling for the wolves.
Secondly most dont seek God talkless of praying feverntly for the right man, if they do, they will get the right man and avoid/ be shielded divinely from the wrong ones.
So I will advice both single men/women, pray and seek God feverntly concerning your life partner, infact start early to pray, the earlier the better. If you do, God will never allow you to marry anybody that will bring you sorrow and misery, He will shield you away from such, but to get Gods help, you must seek him and start seeking him early, not when the deed has already been done.

A lot of people may not like this but it's the truth
I came to the conclusion many years ago that any girl in her late thirties or forties who wants to be married and is still unmarried has a hand in her predicament.i have proven that theory over and over again just from friends,acquaintances and people around me.
Igbos say that a good commodity needs no advertisement ( ahia oma n'ere onwe ya)
The older one gets,the harder it becomes not by the sheer age increase but by how set they become in their ways and the difficulty for them to accommodate a man in it without trying to bend him to what they think a man should be.i have seen it time and time again.

I had a friend ,a single mother that broke up with a boyfriend( not the baby's father) some years ago against my advice
I could see the man loved her and she foolishly gave him an ultimatum to give her a ring or else.I warned her no Igbo man would take a woman to see his mother if she wasn't the one,the man had introduced her to his mom but she couldn't wait, she gave him an ultimatum,The man left her after that ultimatum .
She went through 4 other men and always compared them all to this man.
Another serious man came along,he planned a visit and cancelled last minute because he was sick,she didn't believe him,she rained abuses on him accusing him of lying before even hearing him out
When she called me,I was sad,because I knew this man would leave her too
True true he was sick and on admission in the hospital ,she didn't even have any sympathy.
Of course the man picked race after that
She is still single till this day.

Plenty others the same

babyosisi:


Yes!

Can you imagine there was a time he had arguments about putting a toilet seat up or keeping it down
And it was a big deal
I would get very upset that he would not remember to take it up when he pees and place it back down when he leaves
Who cares about that stuff now
Or a bulb burns out and he fails to change it immediately and I will talk about it
Who cares


I even remember when we would argue and he refuses to eat the food I cooked because he was upset hehehehehe
Now he will even go for a second helping while the argument is going on next minute we are talking about boko haram

Hahaha.. You really got me cracking with that one there. We are just three months in marriage and still have some issues I tot we overcame during courtship. We are good friends though and have a way of coming together. I have a feeling we will be getting over them with time. Its not really easy these earlly period. I believe the older the wine, the sweeter the taste.

God bless you aunty babyosisi.@ Herz and others my prayers are with you.

My first n second years of marriage was very challenging but now....we don grow though we are still learning.

babyosisi:


You both are still very young especially him
It is not common that a girl will marry her age mate and classmate
Usually when you are ready for marriage,he is just starting to find his feet
He is in the third year you say,I guess about 22-24 years old maybe younger
The girl he will marry is probably now in JSS 3
I am being very frank with you,I know there are exceptions too.
Most men start thinking seriously about marriage at about 30 on the average or thereabout
At that age they are done with school,have a steady job and income and ready to settle

thank you very much,efemenaxy,aunt osisi,and enoquin,we wil just break it up

Actually,some ladies don't marry early bc they r looking for a man from their church.
U tell a pentecostal to marry a catholic,she will say he is not born again and vise versa.

Ur catholic mum or dad will swear over their dead body will they agree cos they don't want to be excommunicated as committee and members of d elite church societies.
Time will be passing. By d time ada knows what is happening,people will start calling her from sister ada to aunty ada.
We still have a long way to go.

Splendblex:
God bless you aunty babyosisi.@ Herz and others my prayers are with you.

My first n second years of marriage was very challenging but now....we don grow though we are still learning.

We never stop learning

Marriage is a school where you thing you are about to get your degree and you find yourself back in primary school!

mutter:


We never stop learning

Marriage is a school where you thing you are about to get your degree and you find yourself back in primary school!

Lol you are so damn right

lofty900:
of course, step mothers hardly get the desired respect frm their step children and most times they are desperate, that's why they agree to go into marriage believing they can cope. Also couples lie alot and pretend during courtship only to show their real selves after marriage. Long term courtship devoid of deceit will lead to a much better marriage. My 1 cent

I am happy you said "couples" lie a lot and pretend during courtship.. You didn't lay the blame on a single gender... Lady, thou arth blessed

babyosisi:


A lot of people may not like this but it's the truth
I came to the conclusion many years ago that any girl in her late thirties or forties who wants to be married and is still unmarried has a hand in her predicament.i have proven that theory over and over again just from friends,acquaintances and people around me.
Igbos say that a good commodity needs to advertisement ( ahia oma n'ere onwe ya)
The older one gets,the harder it becomes not by the sheer age increase but by how set they become in their ways and the difficulty for them to accommodate a man in it without trying to bend him to what they think a man should be.i have seen it time and time again.

I had a friend ,a single mother that broke up with a boyfriend( not the baby's father) some years ago against my advice
I could see the man loved her and she foolishly gave him an ultimatum to give her a ring or else.I warned her no Igbo man would take a woman to see his mother if she wasn't the one,the man had introduced her to his mom but she couldn't wait, she gave him an ultimatum,The man left her after that ultimatum .
She went through 4 other men and always compared them all to this man.
Another serious man came along,he planned a visit and cancelled last minute because he was sick,she didn't believe him,she rained abuses on him accusing him of lying before even hearing him out
When she called me,I was sad,because I knew this man would leave her too
True true he was sick and on admission in the hospital ,she didn't even have any sympathy.
Of course the man picked race after that
She is still single till this day.

Plenty others the same

Preach!!!!!!!!!!, Word, hard truth. (got banned, this is my alternate moniker). There are four phases in the life of most ladies.
1 Shakara phase (18-24 years). Here the lady just wants to have fun and not ready to take any man serious. I find it very hard to flow with these age brackets cos when ur talking future and something serious they busy talking kim kardashian and telemundo.

2. I think i know what I want (25-29]. Here she is testing the waters but not ready to bear any man's name, just switching guys like she on the freeway switching lanes. Only few escape from these phase of utter dilemma into marriage.

3 werey phase aka "put a ring on it right now am behind schedule"(30-34). Here her body is speaking, she's vulnerable to the bad azz players cos she desperate and her mates are on the second or third issue. At this point u see em join ministries in church where they can be noticed like choir, ushering and greeters department for advertisement.

4 Oh lord have Mercy/I don't need any damn man (35-............). Self explanatory, soup don sour so they on clearance sales,80%offf, at this point even if a he goat purposes she will accept.

God bless the wise sisters who got their eureka moment in the second phase and may God grant the heart desires of sisters in the third phase.

That is it
Subconsciously there is this dislike for women because of what this girl did and if you don't deal with it now and get married ,you won't treat that woman right.

One of the ways I advise ,if you still know where that woman is ,would be to find her and go face to face to tell her she hurt you when you were a helpless little boy but now you are grown and able to defend yourself and you will not allow what she did to you control you any longer.If you don't do it face to face,get a phone number and call and say everything you wanted to say.
Many people confess that this is therapeutic and freeing.
If you can't find her write a letter as it were to her ,expressing all the bottled in anger and what it has done to you and how you will not allow it control you anymore from this day forward.
If you are a Christian,you pray about it too ,forgive her and release it and healing will come.

I will start a thread someday on sexual abuse and dealing with sexual abuse and it's effect
Some insecurities and problems adults have stem from the pain of sexual abuse
Many promiscuous girls were sexually abused
Many women haters and misogynists were also sexually abused
Many women who have a problem committing were also sexually abused
It is a big problem in our society that nobody wants to talk about because of the shame[/quote]
[quote author=babyosisi post=30790196]
You are so right. So so right. In my case at least. I was sexually abused as a child and also as a teenager by house workers and close relatives respectively and deep down inside I hated men. Of course I didn't tell my family. As you said- the shame, the shame.

But at the same time I loved them and had this urge to conquer them. I loved pre-intimacy but once things got too sexual I lost interest and sometimes cowered in fear or closed up completely. I was living a pseudo-promiscuous life were I loved to entice men sexually cos it gave me the feeling of being powerful, but I actually detested the actual act. Maybe you could explain.

This followed me into my marriage and almost caused issues in the beginning but by Gods grace my husband was very patient and I also made an effort to overcome it- through prayers, chatting with married women who had a great sex life, self-counseling and putting in an effort with all the exciting things sex has to offer. I felt I had been robbed long enough and didn't want my marriage to be destroyed too.

One key thing was I opened up to my husband about my past and explained how I had been affected psychologically and spiritually. Infact I offered so many explanations but the good thing was I was willing to work at it. The more my husband and I have sex, the more I feel I am being unchained and it is such a great feeling.

Of course there are days where he gets on top of me and just starts touching me and I feel I am being sexually molested and try so hard not to scream. Sometimes I can't control myself and I push him away and just lay there scared. Thankfully, no matter how upset he is, he manages to stay calm and we talk about it much later with me ensuring I make up for it that way we keep moving forward.

I would really love to know more about this topic as it might help me and many others in our quest for total restoration.

God bless us all.

[quote author=MrsOJ post=30885011][/quote]

I do not need to.

.

The issue of divorce

People say its a bad experience, and very difficult and problematic bla bla

What I want to know is this. If two of you are completely tired and fed up with each other, and you have agreed on what to do with kids, what are the problems that may arise that wont make the process go smoothly

alutacontinua:


Herz, I know how much you love your dad....
I happen to be my dad's only daughter, first child too and you need to see the look on the man's face when he's introducing me to people....the 'meet my only daughter' part amuses me like is that my name?
All these story just to tell you nobody understands a father-daughter bond as much as I do....
I used to think my aversion to offending my dad was out of fear until I moved faaaaar away across seas and oceans (where even if he wants to touch me, he needs a minimum of 48 hours to reach) and I still cannot stand offending the man. If the man calls me on phone now and says 'aluta, why did you do this' even with the slightest form of anger in his voice, my next 2 days don spoil be that. Na so I go dey feel terrible....that was when I knew it was just out of love that I cannot say 'no' to the man. However, over the years, I have come to realise that we cannot live our parent's lives for them. My dad is much more over-bearing, last time I came home, he was almost dictating clothes...

I had to quote this as i think it can be a stone capable of killing more than one bird. What you and Herz feel is fear which if taken away wont reduce the love, it is the fear necessary for a child but should be stopped at adulthood. You dont have to be far away to not feel so cos it as simple as train up a child the way she should go and when she is old...i mean you just cant do far away what you will not do in dad's presence as thats how you'v been trainned. This fear is partly from not being the one to let dad down as per being the favorite. It is a motivating and a retardation force-the price other kids may not spare a thought for. For Herz, the way you are going, if you dont grow up and live first before thinking of your dad, you may end up always still doing first what your dad say even after marriage. I believe you are the number one person that can convince your dad, but if your dad make his stand, you shut your mouth from stating your mind-you give up already. Your dad is not even a die-hard on this matter, talking from your sister's. Everytime, i hear you say if dad...i doubt you have given lekan a place let alone your dad giving. You may think i dont understand, but i pray life dont treat you bad before you understand that overprotection does more harm than good especially at your age. Btw, i think you are retaining your dad's eye title to your detriment without even realising it.

Sweetlemon:


You live in US right?
You started this thread like 7:30pm Nigerian time. That's like early afternoon US time. You stayed on till late US time. So madam you very much spent vals day on NL (chatting with strangers).
From the defensive way you replied me, I can see all is not just well somewhere. It's fine though that you are channeling your energy to advising others. Perhaps so they don't make the same mistakes you did?

It is well my dear.

ah ah now. What kind of witchcraft is this? How old are you? The only person that can open this kind of thread on Val's day is a selfless one with a passion for helping people and whose husband supports her every move irrespective of what people like you think.

T3Amo:
My boyfriend and I started dating in 2010. I actually met him in Nigeria while I was on vacation there. I will be honest and say that initially he was not really my type(looks) but I decided to give it a try because he had a lot of things that I look for in a man and I did not want to be too superficial. Anyways it's a very long story but we have been in a long distance relationship for almost 5 years ( we see each other like twice a year). This guy really loves me and is a good guy but sometimes I feel 'tired of him' or perhaps I am not really in love with him. I feel bad because I wish I did not feel this way but I feel we have kinda grown apart. Am thinking that it's cos we have not really had a normal relationship, that perhaps maybe when we both in same country that things will be better. He has met most of my family and they love him and vice versa except my dad. Although my dad has never met him. He was not really happy about it. My dad says he wants to find out more about him and his family background. He has a job but it's not what he wants and he is not rich, I on the other hand come from a 'well off' family but money is not and has never been an issue. We are both tired of the long distance relationship so he said that I either relocate to Nigeria or he relocates to Us but since he knows that I will not be as comfy in Naija then he is willing to come this side but that is another headache cos of the process involved and while he is here it means that he may be out of work for a long time. He is very good to me and treats me well. There was a time I suspected infidelity but could not prove it. All his friends, family and colleagues know of me. Am actually in contact with his family and his friends. Another issue is we are not sexually compatible and he is also a bad kisser. I don't enjoy kissing him. I have really been trying because he is a good person and men like him and are rare these days. But since we started dating till now I have been battling if he is actually the one for me.

I met this thread today. Read this post. Since then the tone of the post have been causing me distress, in my spirit. I rarely react to marriage threads. I have walked away from this thread, but this shocking belittling post kept haunting me, and brought me back for the following reasons. As extracted from how she referred to my fellow man, working hard to give someone, dignity, that she doesn't even deserve.

1) "he was not really my type(looks)" .
Shuo! Who is your type? Denzel Washington? Morris Chestnut? Tyson Beckford? Boris Kodjoe? Shemar Moore? So, you don't find him attractive at all. Why did you then bother in the first place?

2) "I decided to give it a try". Oh! You're just trying to manage him. God have mercy.

3) "This guy really loves me,...... but I feel 'tired of him". His feeling for you is love, but your feeling for him is tiresome. Cut this guy loose.

4) "he is not rich". No wonder! He's below your level. Then what are you waiting for? Get the walk on.

5) "he may be out of work for a long time". Are you God? Who told you? Is his destiny in your hands? See belittlement. Is USA that hopeless? This guy is in deep shit.

6) "We are not sexually compatible". God have mercy. You don't have time and plan for this guy. Is he that untrainable? Sex is learned. You don't care about teaching him. You don't care at all for this guy.

7) "He is a bad kisser". My friend you sound too selfish. Selfishness is the building block to a collapsed marriage. You don't care about what to offer him its only what you'll get. My friend he is a very normal guy, not an IndecentStar. Oh! I get it you need an IndecentStar.

"I have really been trying because he is a good person and men like him are rare these days". Trying where? In condoning him? In managing him? Because you feel you can get goodness from him. My friend, you sound too selfish. You think only about yourself.

Just listen to your self! You are not serious! That marriage has already failed even before taking off, because you're too selfish.

Please kindly cut this guy loose because you don't even like him. Deep down you feel he is below your standard and level. You're just tolerating him.

Tell yourself the truth, because that is the bedrock of smooth successful relationships. TRUTH!

Call this guy and tell him to look elsewhere. I won't be surprised to find out that the guy is the one pushing this sham you call relationship all these years.

Please do yourself a favour, CUT THIS GUY LOOSE, so he can go and look for his wife. And you too can go and look for Bill Gate's children and celebrities.

What an insult to manhood, husbandhood and fatherhood! Marriage my arse!!!

This is the reason, I kept telling young men to forget this marriage rubbish and focus on upgrading their lives, grab the good life, the great life; good home, good car, good cloths, good outlook, good accessories, good etc. After all, life is only lived once and in it "you are on your own". They think am crazy. We are the people giving women room to always belittle us.

If you don't chase chickens you can never get chicken shit on your hands!!!

babyosisi:


That is it
Subconsciously there is this dislike for women because of what this girl did and if you don't deal with it now and get married ,you won't treat that woman right.

One of the ways I advise ,if you still know where that woman is ,would be to find her and go face to face to tell her she hurt you when you were a helpless little boy but now you are grown and able to defend yourself and you will not allow what she did to you control you any longer.If you don't do it face to face,get a phone number and call and say everything you wanted to say.
Many people confess that this is therapeutic and freeing.
If you can't find her write a letter as it were to her ,expressing all the bottled in anger and what it has done to you and how you will not allow it control you anymore from this day forward.
If you are a Christian,you pray about it too ,forgive her and release it and healing will come.

I will start a thread someday on sexual abuse and dealing with sexual abuse and it's effect
Some insecurities and problems adults have stem from the pain of sexual abuse
Many promiscuous girls were sexually abused
Many women haters and misogynists were also sexually abused
Many women who have a problem committing were also sexually abused
It is a big problem in our society that nobody wants to talk about because of the shame

You are so right. So so right. In my case at least. I was sexually abused as a child and also as a teenager by house workers and close relatives respectively and deep down inside I hated men. Of course I didn't tell my family. As you said- the shame, the shame.

But at the same time I loved them and had this urge to conquer them. I loved pre-intimacy but once things got too sexual I lost interest and sometimes cowered in fear or closed up completely. I was living a pseudo-promiscuous life were I loved to entice men sexually cos it gave me the feeling of being powerful, but I actually detested the actual act. Maybe you could explain.

This followed me into my marriage and almost caused issues in the beginning but by Gods grace my husband was very patient and I also made an effort to overcome it- through prayers, chatting with married women who had a great sex life, self-counseling and putting in an effort with all the exciting things sex has to offer. I felt I had been robbed long enough and didn't want my marriage to be destroyed too.

One key thing was I opened up to my husband about my past and explained how I had been affected psychologically and spiritually. Infact I offered so many explanations but the good thing was I was willing to work at it. The more my husband and I have sex, the more I feel I am being unchained and it is such a great feeling.

Of course there are days where he gets on top of me and just starts touching me and I feel I am being sexually molested and try so hard not to scream. Sometimes I can't control myself and I push him away and just lay there scared. Thankfully, no matter how upset he is, he manages to stay calm and we talk about it much later with me ensuring I make up for it that way we keep moving forward.

I would really love to know more about this topic as it might help me and many others in our quest for total restoration.

God bless us all

Floodgater:
I had to quote this as i think it can be a stone capable of killing more than one bird. What you and Herz feel is fear which if taken away wont reduce the love, it is the fear necessary for a child but should be stopped at adulthood. You dont have to be far away to not feel so cos it as simple as train up a child the way she should go and when she is old...i mean you just cant do far away what you will not do in dad's presence as thats how you'v been trainned. This fear is partly from not being the one to let dad down as per being the favorite. It is a motivating and a retardation force-the price other kids may not spare a thought for. For Herz, the way you are going, if you dont grow up and live first before thinking of your dad, you may end up always still doing first what your dad say even after marriage. I believe you are the number one person that can convince your dad, but if your dad make his stand, you shut your mouth from stating your mind-you give up already. Your dad is not even a die-hard on this matter, talking from your sister's. Everytime, i hear you say if dad...i doubt you have given lekan a place let alone your dad giving. You may think i dont understand, but i pray life dont treat you bad before you understand that overprotection does more harm than good especially at your age. Btw, i think you are retaining your dad's eye title to your detriment without even realising it.

Hertz dear, please read and digest this too. It is well

Sunshinny:
My marriage is 1 year and 4 months old. We didn't kiss or sleep together before we got marriage. I remember I told him I wanted to his private part so as to be sure he is a man.

When our wedding got closer, I began to have sexual feelings for him to the point that I will become wet when we sit close. He wasn't left out too. I became happy because I rarely have feelings for guys.

When we got married, I found out he doesn't know how to kiss or even make love. [he was a virgin]
I kept on managing. What's annoying me the most is that sometimes he just wants to do and go, no pre-intimacy. When I became 5 months pregnant, we couldn't have sex again, he didn't know how to come in. A friend of mine explained to me how we can do it and I explained to him, yet no show. Instead, he would be complaining that my tummy is disturbing him and promised that when I give birth he will show me pepper.

Out of annoyance, I told him I will never advice my sisters to marry a Virgin.

Now, I have given birth, it's still the same. I have never got to orgasm since we got married. The other day, I told him I will not allow him to touch me again until he learns how to fondles the womanliness. I said so because he injured me there. You know how soft that thing is.

Any time I'm complaining, his reply will be it's my fault not his. I'm beginning to think maybe I don't love after all. In fact in short our sex life is zero. I really don't know what to do again..

@babyosisi
EfemenaXY

I want you to be patient, gentle with him and reduce your complains. Remove the thought of because he was a virgin from your mind, no it is not that but because of his exposure on the matter. There are many men who are not virgins but still dont get it right. He may not be finding it easy knowing he is inadequate thus you should be gentle. He may be willing but just dont know how, who, where to go for help not tossing his ego, this is where you will come in. Everytime, you feel like lashing out on him, ask yourself if you would take it were you the inexperienced virgin. When you say he wont touch you till he gets it, i hope you wont mind when he uses another body instead of yours to learn and get it right before coming back-i mean be careful with your choice of words. There is still time for him to get it. Talk to him gently how he makes you feel, offer to support him get there and make him share his effort and challenges in getting there. You too educate yourself on how to help an inexperienced partner, get him books on sex and make him share with you the knowledge he got. Tell him to dedicate your next sexual act to you and let you be in charge so that you can tell him where, how, when to touch or not touch, as you go about this be gentle, patient, loving and even make allowance for his pride; if possible massage or indulge it every now and then. 1year 4months minus 9 or that remaining 4months of pregnance is too short to give up on him...all the best.

Please my dear ladies in the house. SEX IS LEARNED. Anyone can learn. There's no man that woke up one morning and became a sex stud.

Been experienced or having committed too many fornications doesn't mean a man is expert in bed. There are men that are far experienced than me which I still teach how to do.

FYI as a Christian I don't have sex, I stopped years ago, but am an expert. How? YOU LEARN BY READING WHOLESOME WELL SELECTED GUIDES AND BOOKS CONCERNING THE TOPIC.

I started learning(reading the books) since I was 14years and I still learn today.

So if you want your husband to be very good behind closed doors get him books, tutorial and guides on the subject to read. But unfortunately Nigerians hate to read books.

So its left for you to find a way to convince him to read the guides, then with time ie patience, he will become an expert.

Guides like:

Look at pictures attached( I will remove them again in a few days).
I have more hotter ones. Even guides on how to cure some sexual maladjustments and sexually abused people.

If you need them PM its FREE.

GOD bless you all.
Goodluck!!!

Bootybuttchic:
thank you very much,efemenaxy,aunt osisi,and enoquin,we wil just break it up

You can remain platonic friends

ColinAdua:
Please my dear ladies in the house. SEX IS LEARNED. Anyone can learn. There's no man that woke up one morning and became a sex stud.

Been experienced or having committed too many fornications doesn't mean a man is expert in bed. There are men that are far experienced than me which I still teach how to do.

Goodluck!!!

This is funny
Practice makes perfect sha

I will be very honest
I wasn't a virgin at marriage and neither was my husband,he was far from a virgin
If asked to choose between marrying a male virgin and an experienced dude ,I will marry an experienced dude over and over again
It has advantages
God forgive me

I am loving this thread and following to learn more.