Great thread,will just add my 2 kobo

Step 1 is to look well well before leaping.Most times he's handsome,he's rich are the criteria.

1.Look at him objectively,how does he treat others around him?Is he always rude to the gate man?In traffic does he shout like an agbero?

2.What is his family like?If they are hostile from day one,it's best to rethink your options or prepare for war forever.

3.Is he the family saviour? Then you need to prepare for almost all your earnings to go into propping his family up,most times at your expense.

4.What is his attitude to religion?If you are the type to sleep in church & he's a once in a while church goer suspicious of money grabbing pastors,you could run into problems.

5.Attitide to s ex nko?Is he a missionary master(anyother thing is demonic) or does he believe in sticking things up your a ss?What if you are not in the mood?Does he think he can force himself on you,seduce you into giving in or respect your decision?

6.Is he a po rn addict?

7.What is his attitude to finances? Does he believe in spending it all?Does he think you should submit all your cash to him?Does he believe in being open about money?

8.Property nko?Does he think it should be in only his name or that of his parents or siblings instead of you?

9.Is he always carrying and hiding his phone and padlocking?Does he believe in privcy in a marriage or does he think everything should be open access?

10.Is he a born cheat?has he slapped you around a few times,does he denigrate you and call you names?

11.Is he a people pleaser?(this one is my DH) or is he his own person?With a people pleaser,you have to accept that sometimes,others may come first util you get to a point where he reorganizes his priority

12.Ambition?What does he think about you progressing careerwise?

13.How are you as a person?Is your mind sound?What are you bringing into the union?Not about money,brawn,smartness,are you naturally savvy?

I could go on and on but cannot stress enough on how important it is to make sure you both are on the same wave length on things that matter to you.
We tend to disregard someone cos he's been relegated to friend status.I believe that friendship can be a strong foundation to an amazing marriage.
A man may not be as good looking as you want or as rich but i'm strongly of the opinion that if a man treats you very well you are bound to fall deeper in love with him.Some people are fortunate to have so much passion from day one,but some are not.A good man is priceless.I just mean that what you want may not be in the package you are looking out for.

For the already married,well,one thing i have taken away from nairaland is getting my hubby to eat from my palms.I have taken time to study the man and now i know a few.

a.The man loves FOOD!! I now have stacks and stacks of recipes that i try out often these days. Gizdodo & co drive him crazy.You need to see the appreciation!

b.Hospitality: For a while now people have been trooping in and out of our house for help of sorts.So,i threw myself into entertaining,always have fantastic food and drinks on stand by.Very welcoming and nice atmosphere,feel free mi casa su casa attitude.People always compliment and thank me immensely and he just swells up with soooo much pride.For some reason,this matters to him and i have made serious effort even to the point that im stressed out but it's soo worth it.

c.He's a tv series addict.Netflix is not enough.I always make sure i find all his favourite sitcoms and get them for him.Then sometimes leave him to get on with it or join him whichever one he wants.That and some honey roasted ribs.

Honestly,you have to understand who you are with.People hardly change in my experience.You are 2 different people,different strengths.Working together can yield amazing results.Combining those strengths and making up for weaknesses for eachother is what it's all about.

I will tell you how this has worked for me.When i got married newly,i worked for a bit but not in my profession as i had to recertify. So i have years as a Stay at home wife under my belt.He felt i should focus on my books instead of working for peanuts.Then the child came etc.I am a professional o.I have never ever been insulted or denied anything.I don't ask for money for hair or chewing gum.There's already provision for that & i'll share how.
When we got engaged,i stressed on how i appreciate financial openeness and he echoed the same.So,from day one,i've known about every kobo.Believe me,i love the finer things but I immediately took a look and arranged everything to suit us.I am the one in control of our money..I learnt how to use an excel sheet to understand out outgoings and incoming.I make sure we put something away every month for us and the baby seperately.He doesn't bother with anything that has to do with money cos he believes i've arranged it.There's provision for eating out,barbers,hair ,nails, clothes so no begging for anything.If i want something,i get it.He feels i'm in charge of the account,not a spendthrift so if i'm buying stuff,i must have a reason to.He doesn't ask questions.
He trusts me completely with EVERYTHING.
Now,i've had issues with his people yes but when it's time to give them cash,he asks me to suggest what to give etc.I take a look at the account and say Pinkolo,this is what we can afford & that's what we go with.He tRUSTs that not because i'm offended i become wicked or start complaining if he wants to give.NEVER.Same way i know when it's my family,no holding back as well.

I've been on & off work but mostly stay at home.In a couple of months though that will all change cos I am now certified totally.I will give him my first salary.He will reject i'm sure but it will blow his mind.(another strategy to catch him) but for me it's just my way of saying everything i have is yours.
Not all housewife tales are evil.A demonic man will continue being demonic even if you bring in 1,000,000£.I do not believe that job status should determine the way a man treats his wife.Neither should his respect for me stem from salary.Respect me & treat me right for who I am.

My hubby and I are not really into money though.We are more invested in emotional stability so maybe that's the reason we are how we are.Income is set to triple though in some months,that's minus my own salary.So,it's not a lack of it..it's just that we have other priorities.
Besides,financial experts advise to live UNDER your means. First few years may not be as easy monetarily but with team work and effort,plus savings things will definitely look up.

Yes, there are times that he upsets me esp when i had issues with his family but 99.8% of the time,he's a star and treats me like a queen.We only quarell like 3x a year sef.Will explain later.Last time we had a small bust up was in december 2014.And that lasted for like 15 mins.I'm learning to be like him in this regard cos i can hold a grudge for africa while he forgives freely.I'll be back!!

Sorry for the epistle will contribute more on other things later.
Cheers!

stages:


Lol
now dat you have learned start by surprising dat woman in ur life with a gift. Tell us the results tomorrow.

I try to but I admit there are more grounds to cover.

Tushmum:
Babyosisi,you don't know what you've done to me and my marriage with this great thread..God bless you big ma'am and may your home continue to be called blessed.I dey follow you for food section bumper to bumper sef#stalkeralert#
I've learnt alot via this thread and its a great eye opener.
Chaircover,God bless you for sharing your experience too.Now I believe greatly in the saying that "experience is the best teacher".

I feel like crying reading this
This was my sole purpose for this thread.

happysisi:
Thank you so much for the write up. You have saved me the time and energy in would have used to type it. This is also what I am experiencing.

He takes care of his family needs most times before mine, thus not enough most times. When I asked him to start up a biz for me nd his brother who has a transport biz but uses the money on girls nd to have fun asked him of money, he gave him nd didn't give me. With the happenings, I feel that my kids and I are extended and his family are nuclear.

I don't know if he's scared of what his family wi say like he now makes money nd abandon dem but most times he does things to my own detriment.

I am in support of helping family members but at the same time, he makes dem lazy, even da ones abroad has nothing to contribute. He always say in a family, God brings out one person to help others nd I don't believe such. It's cuz he's always giving dat they don't want to work hard.

So many things I wanna say but don't want to type dem cuz I will start crying. Just wanna take it as it is nd continue to look on to God for a job cuz that will end my problems

Don't knock a man for helping his family out, especially his mom and dad,if he doesn't who will?
Do you want them to go without?
I told you earlier and I repeat,all these feelings will go away once you get your own financial "independence"
As long as he hands you out pocket and feeding money,you will continue to feel this way.
My husband placed his mom on a monthly salary ,it doesn't bother me one bit
I don't care what he sends to his folks and how much
In the same way he hasn't. bothered me about what I send to mine
That problem can be solved my dear and I already told you how

The two times we were at our lowest points in our relationships to the verge that I almost calked it quits was over inlaws

That is why I was soliciting for those who had issues with MIL palava,many did share by email and I hope my counsel helped.
I have been there so I know what it is to suffer under the weight of a mother in law
Here is my story

From the first few days I met my hubby,he told me without mincing words that his mother was a tough woman
That was the word he used,tough.i later realized that was being very polite.
My husband's family were not very receptive to him marrying me when we met because he came from a vey poor home,so they felt he needed to take care of stuff at the home front I,e train his younger ones before taking on a wife ,he insisted on going against their wish so it was as if they looked hard to find faults in me.We spent a night with his brother ,I cooked and scrubbed the very dirty bath tub the next day and the story went that I didn't sweep the parlour in the morning.Everyone came down on my hubby for wanting to marry a lazy wife but he stood by his decision.
On the day of the traditional wedding,most of the people that came from his side were all males ,just a few women and in a conversation a few days after I mentioned politely to my mil that I had expected more ladies from their side and she took serious offence.it was as if I dared to speak.
They told my husband I was very rude and insulting to his mother.
After marriage we moved to Obodo Oyibo
Come and see tons of letters telling him to warn his wife,to ask his wife to apologize to their mother,telling him they warned him I was no good,he had made the greatest mistake of his life,I never responded.
That was my introduction to my inlaws
I guess what saved this from getting worse was that we were outside the country.
First time we came home,I was so uncomfortable in their home because I didn't know how to act
I wanted to keep to myself and yet I wanted them to get to know me.

I don't eat eba,I rarely ever do,so in the afternoons when they served eba I would eat something else ,sometimes bread and there were comments that I didn't like the food they cooked.the facial expressions were something else and they expressed the disgust to my face a times.
I kept my cool.
I went with my hubby and kids to spend time with my parents and when we returned my MIL had a fit,she complained even to visitors that we spent too long with my folks,that it was as if we were sharing the time 50/50 and chastised the son for that.
I kept my cool.
Then my MIL came to visit us in the USA.

thorpido:
Perhaps you have this 'Mills & Boon' syndrome.I met quite a number of ladies who had fantasies.
I really think the problem is that you both have not set a time for marriage.

Lol, I wouldn't call it that.

The day my mil landed in America I called all my friends to come welcome her,I got a cake and it had welcome to America on it
I cooked rice,baked chicken,made salad,bought drinks
We celebrated her arrival.
Next day Saturday I took her to a department store,bought her sweaters,blouses skirts and tights and shoes
I told her she was now in America,no more tying wrapper
I did for her exactly what I would do for my mom.
How did I get paid back ?
She complained about my soup
She complained about my stew
My sweet potatoes were too soggy
My soups had excess crayfish
My pounded yam was too soft
I could hardly do anything right
She complained I didn't greet her cheerfully
She complained my kids were not behaving well enough
I never ever responded to all these criticisms,I would talk to my hubby and he would be be mad at her
Then it got worse and worse
I would tell my mom and she asked me to just bear with her and not exchange any words with her
She bathed my son and he complained the water was to hot,I said politely,mama,come let me show you the temperature he is used to
I put water in the tub and wanted her to feel it,she flared up and said I was accusing her of wanting to kill her own grandson.
She started calling me names,there was nothing she didn't say
Reminded me she never liked me from day one
Said I was growing wings because I was brought to America ( not knowing that my own father bought my flight ticket and hubby refunded it later)
Surprisingly I still kept my cool and would tell my hubby all this in tears when he returned.
she didn't relent it got worse
I started staying in my bedroom and avoiding her
As soon as I came home bad greeted her,I sat in my bedroom.then she will ask why I was hiding and continue the insult.
She accused me of turning her son into my maid and having him vacuum the floor and do laundry,saying what a bad woman I was.i never responded.
I was afraid to come home daily,I didn't know what was waiting for me.4 good months I went through this
Then one day my daughter who was just 6 was speaking to her friend on the phone while I was away and mama was babysitting.while she laughed and giggled with her friend Kayla,mama took away the phone and slammed it.
My daughter got angry and wanted to retaliate and all she could do was pick up mama's bible and throw it under the bed where mama couldn't reach it.
I came home that day all hell broke lose,she sang those deriding songs about how God will deal with her enemies
Mama called my daughter a lunatic in my face and told me she knows the lunacy came from my side of the family not hers and she went on and on and I had had it at this point,because I could handle her insult to me but not to my mom and dad I love greatly.
I never knew I could get that angry
I walked up to her face and dared her to call my family mad again and see if she will live to tell the story
At that point anger had welled up within me,I packed up her bags and threw them outside in the apartment corridor,in fear she ran out immediately because she knew at that point I was extremely upset and she thought I would hit her.i didn't thank God.
I locked the door behind me so she stayed out in the corridor.

I picked up the phone called my husband at work and asked him to come home immediately if he wanted to see his mom alive
I told him if he didn't come in 20 minutes.he will be taking her corpse home.
Little did I know I was pregnant at the time
My husband rushed back home,yelled at his mother after I told him everything,the mother started crying
From that day on I said no more,mama must go home enough is enough,I can't be this miserable in my own home.b
Later on the table turned
Mother and son became a tag team and I was now the enemy
I couldn't stay with her any longer,I couldn't concentrate,I was so stressed,my face filled with pimples, I sang it daily like a song that she must leave.the situation in the house was tense
She eventually did go home and my husband who had supported me previously seen all the verbal and emotional abuse I went through suddenly saw me as the evil woman that sent his mother home.
We stopped communicating,he stopped eating anything I cooked,his family was upset he allowed his wife send their mom home.
For months we lived this way
I contacted a good Kenyan friend of mine who had an extra room in her house,went and saw the room ,told him I was leaving,packed my bags.
Called a cab and when the cab arrived and called me on the intercom,my hubby answered and told the cab we were no longer needing him,the cab left.
Then we started to work on mending things.
It took a lot of work .

babyosisi:


You kiss,you have sex,you love each other,this is now 3 years,why hasn't he married you?
The man is 30, very ripe for marriage,what are you waiting for?
Could it be the guilt of living in sin and the uncertainty of what might happen in future that is putting a damper on your love?
Just maybe
I shared how my Oga and I had to run to the registry to get married before the trado sef because the guilt as a a christian was unbearable especially for me.
I had kept myself a while and met him and lost all inhibitions no matter how much I tried
I have a feeling this could be what is going on here
Think about it
I think it may just be time he put a serious ring or it or you go your separate ways if marriage is what you want

Yea we have sexx but it doesn't feel good for me anymore, neither does the kissing and for this reason, intimate activities have reduced or is even almost nonexistent.

We are not married yet because I'm not really ready, especially to marry him as I would like to be really sure before walking down the aisle with anyone, I brought this here because he is really on my case now, asking what I want for the relationship, saying he's noticed I'm not acting like someone who wants to get married.

It is not the guilt as I feel no guilt having consensual sexx with an adult I'm in a relationship with, my religion doesn't have issues with sexx outside marriage.

At first, I thought it was nothing or stress but the situation kind of gets worse with his constant talk of marriage, I just feel like, somehow, I'll be sorry if I marry him as I sometimes feel like, he is not really upto the caliber of man I want(I feel guilty typing that but I lack words to really say it better). I find myself sometimes questioning his intelligence. Am I just being immature?

Please don't be offended with my further questions, thanks a whole lot.

P.S He is my 2nd bf and I started dating him when I wasn't really interested in anything serious, didn't even know if I'll get married then.

babyosisi:
The day my mil landed in America I called all my friends to come welcome her,I got a cake and it had welcome to America on it
I cooked rice,baked chicken,made salad,bought drinks
We celebrated her arrival.
Next day Saturday I took her to a department store,bought her sweaters,blouses skirts and tights and shoes
I told her she was now in America,no more tying wrapper
I did for her exactly what I would do for my mom.
How did I get paid back ?
She complained about my soup
She complained about my stew
My sweet potatoes were too soggy
My soups had excess crayfish
My pounded yam was too soft
I could hardly do anything right
She complained I didn't greet her cheerfully
She complained my kids were not behaving well enough
I never ever responded to all these criticisms,I would talk to my hubby and he would be be mad at her
Then it got worse and worse
I would tell my mom and she asked me to just bear with her and not exchange any words with her
She bathed my son and he complained the water was to hot,I said politely,mama,come let me show you the temperature he is used to
I put water in the tub and wanted her to feel it,she flared up and said I was accusing her of wanting to kill her own grandson.
She started calling me names,there was nothing she didn't say
Reminded me she never liked me from day one
Said I was growing wings because I was brought to America ( not knowing that my own father bought my flight ticket and hubby refunded it later)
Surprisingly I still kept my cool and would tell my hubby all this in tears when he returned.
she didn't relent it got worse
I started staying in my bedroom and avoiding her
As soon as I came home bad greeted her,I sat in my bedroom.then she will ask why I was hiding and continue the insult.
She accused me of turning her son into my maid and having him vacuum the floor and do laundry,saying what a bad woman I was.i never responded.
I was afraid to come home daily,I didn't know what was waiting for me.4 good months I went through this
Then one day my daughter who was just 6 was speaking to her friend on the phone while I was away and mama was babysitting.while she laughed and giggled with her friend Kayla,mama took away the phone and slammed it.
My daughter got angry and wanted to retaliate and all she could do was pick up mama's bible and throw it under the bed where mama couldn't reach it.
I came home that day all hell broke lose,she sang those deriding songs about how God will deal with her enemies
Mama called my daughter a lunatic in my face and told me she knows the lunacy came from my side of the family not hers and she went on and on and I had had it at this point,because I could handle her insult to me but not to my mom and dad I love greatly.
I never knew I could get that angry
I walked up to her face and dared her to call my family mad again and see if she will live to tell the story
At that point anger had welled up within me,I packed up her bags and threw them outside in the apartment corridor,in fear she ran out immediately because she knew at that point I was extremely upset and she thought I would hit her.i didn't thank God.
I locked the door behind me so she stayed out in the corridor.

I picked up the phone called my husband at work and asked him to come home immediately if he wanted to see his mom alive
I told him if he didn't come in 20 minutes.he will be taking her corpse home.
Little did I know I was pregnant at the time
My husband rushed back home,yelled at his mother after I told him everything,the mother started crying
From that day on I said no more,mama must go home enough is enough,I can't be this miserable in my own home.b
Later on the table turned
Mother and son became a tag team and I was now the enemy
I couldn't stay with her any longer,I couldn't concentrate,I was so stressed,my face filled with pimples, I sang it daily like a song that she must leave.the situation in the house was tense
She eventually did go home and my husband who had supported me previously seen all the verbal and emotional abuse I went through suddenly saw me as the evil woman that sent his mother home.
We stopped communicating,he stopped eating anything I cooked,his family was upset he allowed his wife send their mom home.
For months we lived this way
I contacted a good Kenyan friend of mine who had an extra room in her house,went and saw the room ,told him I was leaving,packed my bags.
Called a cab and when the cab arrived and called me on the intercom,my hubby answered and told the cab we were no longer needing him,the cab left.
Then we started to work on mending things.
It took a lot of work .

For really real?

Preternatura1:
For really real?

God is my witness,that is my story
That is why I say that I am an authority in MIL stuff
After I lost it,I totally lost it
She became on the defensive and I took over the offensive role
Called her a witch,accused her of coming with juju to scatter her own son's marriage
Those words hurt her a great deal I later found out but I had been hurt for 4 straight months and bore it

To make a long story short a year later,I reached out to her.
Called her and apologized
Yes I forgot my own hurt and did apologize to her ,many months after my husband asked me to,I decided to reach out to her and the shock,o boy .she responded with very very hurtful words and all I said was mama is that what you are saying?
Some of her kids including hubby got on her for that and others got mad at my hubby for telling their mom to apologise to me in fact one didn't speak with him for a year and didn't invite us to his wedding.
I continued to be nice to my mil and eventually won them all over and I sincerely believe the way i handled all that endeared me to my hubby.
Me and mama are cool now and the rest of the family also thanks to counsel from my own mother too.
Mama now reports his son to me self lol

Onegai:


I can relate. Being in a long-term relationship is hard work. But I will ask you to do something:

bone your feelings. forget that butterfly feeling. It's not important and means very little. Emotions cloud your judgement and that butterfly feeling is deceptive.

Good, so let's look at the man closely. I will ask you to do what one of my bros did:

make a list of what you want, who you are and what he is. Be honest, if after 3 yrs of dating, you can't write a fulscap about him, then there's an issue. Write down if you have changed (where you the malice-keeping type for example, have you stopped and if so, was he involved in the process). Write down what changed about him, were you involved. You really need to think.

Sometimes we get what we need not what we want. So you must evaluate if what he is, is something you like and want. Think of your happiness now, ask yourself "do I want to be 60 yrs old beside this man?"

I had a great guy whom I didn't really feel much for and turned him away. 3 yrs later, I regretted. Meanwhile all the guys I was dying of emotions for, now I can't even remember what they look like. So you have to think carefully. if after you write it down, you look and see that "this man isn't what I want", then let him know quickly, so you don't waste your time and his.

Now if you decide to stay, you need to spice things up. Newsflash: you can't spice things up you are constantly bored. Nigerians don't have hobbies except for visiting people, going to church and weddings. That's it. Lord knows what people talk about if their gen isn't working.

So, become an interesting person. My hubby and I reconciled because of one of my hobbies, Horticulture (flowers) and one of his hobbies, Wines. There's so much to do and see affordably self. Discover new places to visit together. Get yourself tea light candles, in fact that local long candle, cut it into smaller pieces for a cheaper update ! ), get bubble bath and On Friday night, turn off your light (if PHCN even gives you sef) run a bath and sit him and you in it. Yes your bath is small but you're naked inside water, no redblooded male will notice the bath size.
Take walks together and talk about your future. Start building behaviours that will help you during your marriage.

All the best. You have work to do.

Thank you a great deal.

The truth is that, we are not so alike, I do know that there are few things we like in common however.

He thinks I'm "too oyiboish/buttyish" and I sometimes think he is not exposed enough, I have tried to win him over to my side and to be truthful, somethings did change but I'm still not satisfied. I know it may sound silly adding such thing to the list of what I consider important in choosing a life partner but I've not been able to shake this feeling and believe me, it has been there for a long time, I just didn't know we'd get this far as this is a relationship I started when I still considered myself 'a girl experimenting', now marriage talks has come up and it's like I'm realizing, I've always wanted to end up with someone like myself.

I just don't want to lose a good man, so I'm wondering if something like this is too flimsy. Thank you for your time, I really appreciate.

Preternatura1:
Yea we have sexx but it doesn't feel good for me anymore, neither does the kissing and for this reason, intimate activities have reduced or is even almost nonexistent.

We are not married yet because I'm not really ready, especially to marry him as I would like to be really sure before walking down the aisle with anyone, I brought this here because he is really on my case now, asking what I want for the relationship, saying he's noticed I'm not acting like someone who wants to get married.

It is not the guilt as I feel no guilt having consensual sexx with an adult I'm in a relationship with, my religion doesn't have issues with sexx outside marriage.

At first, I thought it was nothing or stress but the situation kind of gets worse with his constant talk of marriage, I just feel like, somehow, I'll be sorry if I marry him as I sometimes feel like, he is not really upto the caliber of man I want(I feel guilty typing that but I lack words to really say it better). I find myself sometimes questioning his intelligence. Am I just being immature?

Please don't be offended with my further questions, thanks a whole lot.

P.S He is my 2nd bf and I started dating him when I wasn't really interested in anything serious, didn't even know if I'll get married then.

If it doesn't feel good now it may never

babyosisi:


God is my witness,that is my story
That is why I say that I am an authority in MIL stuff
After I lost it,I totally lost it
She became on the defensive and I took over the offensive role
Called her a witch,accused her of coming with juju to scatter her own son's marriage
Those words hurt her a great deal I later found out but I had been hurt for 4 straight months and bore it

To make a long story short a year later,I reached out to her.
Called her and apologized
Yes I forgot my own hurt and did apologize to her ,many months after my husband asked me to
One day I decided to reach out to her and the shock,o boy
she responded with very very hurtful words and all I said was mama is that what you are saying?
Some of her kids including hubby got on her for that and others got mad at my hubby for telling their mom to apologise to me in fact one didn't speak with him for a year and didn't invite us to his wedding.
I continued to be nice to my mil and eventually won them all overc and I sincerely believe the way i handled all that endeared me to my hubby.
Me and mama are cool now and the rest of the family also thanks to counsel from my own mother too.
Mama now reports his son to me self lol

Wow! I'm just somewhat speechless. I mean how can someone just not like another person for no cogent reason? You are just too wise for one person, you should give me some of that wisdom. I honestly don't think I would have been able to handle such, I most likely would have packed out after a week of her trouble. I honestly don't like being stressed.

You tried, seriously.

I encourage him to give even wen he doesn't want to give and I extend to them as well. He's a good man no doubt it's just that I believe I shouldn't ask and ask about little things nd den he says like it's still good wen it's bushy like eye brow for example. Someone like me that have been independent since teenage years, it pisses me off wen I have to beg nd beg. Even to do my hair, I tend to do carry it for 2 months instead of a month which ends up cutting out my whole hair.

I just think taking care of 2 families is too much for him and that's why I cannot wait to get a job.

I was the one that told him to put his mum on allowance, get driver nd cook for her etc

I am a big believer of family support but a man have to know when he's been taken advantage of esp with siblings who just doesn't want to work hard.


quote author=babyosisi post=31333979]

Don't knock a man for helping his family out, especially his mom and dad,if he doesn't who will?
Do you want them to go without?
I told you earlier and I repeat,all these feelings will go away once you get your own financial "independence"
As long as he hands you out pocket and feeding money,you will continue to feel this way.
My husband placed his mom on a monthly salary ,it doesn't bother me one bit
I don't care what he sends to his folks and how much
In the same way he hasn't. bothered me about what I send to mine
That problem can be solved my dear and I already told you how[/quote]

babyosisi:



If it doesn't feel good now it may never

This is it then.

Thank you again.

Preternatura1:
Wow! I'm just somewhat speechless. I mean how can someone just not like another person for no cogent reason? You are just too wise for one person, you should give me some of that wisdom. I honestly don't think I would have been able to handle such, I most likely would have packed out after a week of her trouble. I honestly don't like being stressed.

You tried, seriously.

I was able to overcome this because of the support of my husband.he knew I tried so much to accommodate and ignore all the verbal abuse sadly the last month when I got on the offensive hurt him a lot and I guess seeing his mom cry made me the evil person.
I am glad I can share this story.hopefully it will help someone.Everybody responds to love and you can never have peace with your husband being at war with his mother.
I only have nothing but good memories to share regarding my MIL from then on.I have travelled without hubby on many ocassions and spent time with her and we had a great time.She disliked me without knowing me and now she knows me and loves me.she doesn't even call me by my name.She has a name she gave me which means beautiful one and that is what she calls me till this day.

babyosisi:
The day my mil landed in America I called all my friends to come welcome her,I got a cake and it had welcome to America on it
I cooked rice,baked chicken,made salad,bought drinks
We celebrated her arrival.
Next day Saturday I took her to a department store,bought her sweaters,blouses skirts and tights and shoes
I told her she was now in America,no more tying wrapper
I did for her exactly what I would do for my mom.
How did I get paid back ?
She complained about my soup
She complained about my stew
My sweet potatoes were too soggy
My soups had excess crayfish
My pounded yam was too soft
I could hardly do anything right
She complained I didn't greet her cheerfully
She complained my kids were not behaving well enough
I never ever responded to all these criticisms,I would talk to my hubby and he would be be mad at her
Then it got worse and worse
I would tell my mom and she asked me to just bear with her and not exchange any words with her
She bathed my son and he complained the water was to hot,I said politely,mama,come let me show you the temperature he is used to
I put water in the tub and wanted her to feel it,she flared up and said I was accusing her of wanting to kill her own grandson.
She started calling me names,there was nothing she didn't say
Reminded me she never liked me from day one
Said I was growing wings because I was brought to America ( not knowing that my own father bought my flight ticket and hubby refunded it later)
Surprisingly I still kept my cool and would tell my hubby all this in tears when he returned.
she didn't relent it got worse
I started staying in my bedroom and avoiding her
As soon as I came home bad greeted her,I sat in my bedroom.then she will ask why I was hiding and continue the insult.
She accused me of turning her son into my maid and having him vacuum the floor and do laundry,saying what a bad woman I was.i never responded.
I was afraid to come home daily,I didn't know what was waiting for me.4 good months I went through this
Then one day my daughter who was just 6 was speaking to her friend on the phone while I was away and mama was babysitting.while she laughed and giggled with her friend Kayla,mama took away the phone and slammed it.
My daughter got angry and wanted to retaliate and all she could do was pick up mama's bible and throw it under the bed where mama couldn't reach it.
I came home that day all hell broke lose,she sang those deriding songs about how God will deal with her enemies
Mama called my daughter a lunatic in my face and told me she knows the lunacy came from my side of the family not hers and she went on and on and I had had it at this point,because I could handle her insult to me but not to my mom and dad I love greatly.
I never knew I could get that angry
I walked up to her face and dared her to call my family mad again and see if she will live to tell the story
At that point anger had welled up within me,I packed up her bags and threw them outside in the apartment corridor,in fear she ran out immediately because she knew at that point I was extremely upset and she thought I would hit her.i didn't thank God.
I locked the door behind me so she stayed out in the corridor.

I picked up the phone called my husband at work and asked him to come home immediately if he wanted to see his mom alive
I told him if he didn't come in 20 minutes.he will be taking her corpse home.
Little did I know I was pregnant at the time
My husband rushed back home,yelled at his mother after I told him everything,the mother started crying
From that day on I said no more,mama must go home enough is enough,I can't be this miserable in my own home.b
Later on the table turned
Mother and son became a tag team and I was now the enemy
I couldn't stay with her any longer,I couldn't concentrate,I was so stressed,my face filled with pimples, I sang it daily like a song that she must leave.the situation in the house was tense
She eventually did go home and my husband who had supported me previously seen all the verbal and emotional abuse I went through suddenly saw me as the evil woman that sent his mother home.
We stopped communicating,he stopped eating anything I cooked,his family was upset he allowed his wife send their mom home.
For months we lived this way
I contacted a good Kenyan friend of mine who had an extra room in her house,went and saw the room ,told him I was leaving,packed my bags.
Called a cab and when the cab arrived and called me on the intercom,my hubby answered and told the cab we were no longer needing him,the cab left.
Then we started to work on mending things.
It took a lot of work .

Wow!

Osisi,i almost cried now.
U truly hv overcome a lot.

Wisdom is what is needed in handling stuffs like this.
God help me not to interfere in my children's marital lives o.

thorpido:
Wow!

R u a medical dr?
Just curious.

By d way, I love ur very insightful comments.
Viewing things from d man's perspective.
Makes it all balanced.
Thanks for ur contributions.

moca:

R u a medical dr?
Just curious.

By d way, I love ur very insightful comments.
Viewing things from d man's perspective.
Makes it all balanced.
Thanks for ur contributions.

Physiotherapist
Thanks 4 d compliments.

thorpido:
Physiotherapist
Thanks 4 d compliments.

That's nice

Are you in Nigeria?

bukatyne:


That's nice

Are you in Nigeria?

Yea,Lagos

Madampinkolo, can't stop loving your post. .. You always drop it like it's hot, so real

Your man is lucky

thorpido:
Wow!

Haha

So when I see mil stories on nairaland I always comment.it is foolish for a man who is watching his home disintegrate because of his mother's visit to insist on keeping her there .The day the wife is pushed to the wall the outcome won't be palatable to anyone.
I have been there and we have crossed that river.

Guess what

When my mom visited I gave her rules based on my experiences with my Mil.
I said mom if you hear zubby and I quarrelling do not utter a word and simply go upstairs.if he yells or I yell just remove yourself and pretend you are not there.she made me a promise she will do that and keeps to that promise.I said mom.Don't criticize anything about him and when she went to see my brothers and their wives I told her the same thing.
I wish every son and every daughter could tell their moms the same thing.
You don't wanna know how many marriages hit the rocks because of mothers in law.

babyosisi:


Haha

So when I see mil stories on nairaland I always comment.it is foolish for a man who is watching his home disintegrate because of his mother's visit to insist on keeping her there .The day the wife is pushed to the wall the outcome won't be palatable to anyone.
I have been there and we have crossed that river.

Guess what

When my mom visited I gave her rules based on my experiences with my Mil.
I said mom if you hear zubby and I quarrelling do not utter a word and simply go upstairs.if he yells or I yell just remove yourself and pretend you are not there.she made me a promise she will do that and keeps to that promise.I said mom.Don't criticize anything about him and when she went to see my brothers and their wives I told her the same thing.
I wish every son and every daughter could tell their moms the same thing.
You don't wanna know how many marriages hit the rocks because of mothers in law.

You know sometimes when I see it,I often wonder how I would cope with it if I were a woman.
Walk,u no walk well
Laugh,your laugh no sound well
Cook,e too get salt,put small the thing no sweet
E fit make woman enter menopause quick!

When we had our baby and my mum came to bathe the baby,she will wail so loud.My wife couldn't say anything,I was the one who had to say,Mummy the water is too hot na.She said yes,it's good for the baby's body.I said nooo,it should be lukewarm.If it was my wife that complained,mother could misinterpret that.
It's good when the husband is on the wife's side.

Wen my MIL was coming, my hubby and his sisters gave her warnings on how to behave cos she complains a lot. If I give her food (like spaghetti) she'll say 'hmmm, let me eat it oh, b4 they'll say I av started complaining. And dis is someone i'll ask wot she wants to eat, she'll say I shud make anything dat she'll eat it.

Gbam!
It's a lot easier if one had a hubby who fights d fight for her.
MILs,their tales eeh
E no easy o at all.

If u get a bad father in law,that one na another wahala.

My flatmate in school said her dad tasks all his sons in law steady meanwhile he has a very robust shop
Eg if he want to sow traditional,he will tell inlaw 1 to bring money for buying, 2 for sowing and staff and 3 for the red cap.

My friend said she wonder what he does with his money.
Or he will call and say hee is hungry and sick .

moca:

Chei! Meeeen!!!
They can never get it right!

My own ehn.

He will buy you expensive masculine gifts that you don't understand.

Like how many Pairs of sunglasses does one need since they all look alike?
But he will buy it because it is a designer even if it looks exactly like the last one just a different brand

Things like that.
Trainers
Beatz by Dre that I don't care about.

Hmmm. I'm learning a lot from nairaland.
Now I know not to bother about such things.

At least he's improving. Last gift was a handbag and a good brand too.
I didn't even know he was aware such brand exists. (He said he used google to find it)

I guess that are really fast learners.

moca:
Gbam!
It's a lot easier if one had a hubby who fights d fight for her.
MILs,their tales eeh
E no easy o at all.

If u get a bad father in law,that one na another wahala.

My flatmate in school said her dad tasks all his sons in law steady meanwhile he has a very robust shop
Eg if he want to sow traditional,he will tell inlaw 1 to bring money for buying, 2 for sowing and staff and 3 for the red cap.

My friend said she wonder what he does with his money.
Or he will call and say hee is hungry and sick .

That is so hilarious, can't stop myself from laughing. Chai! so men too have their own wahala.

thorpido:
You know sometimes when I see it,I often wonder how I would cope with it if I were a woman.
Walk,u no walk well
Laugh,your laugh no sound well
Cook,e too get salt,put small the thing no sweet
E fit make woman enter menopause quick!

When we had our baby and my mum came to bathe the baby,she will wail so loud.My wife couldn't say anything,I was the one who had to say,Mummy the water is too hot na.She said yes,it's good for the baby's body.I said nooo,it should be lukewarm.If it was my wife that complained,mother could misinterpret that.
It's good when the husband is on the wife's side.

It is nice you appreciate the shoes Some ladies walk in

Why it is majorly MILs that are terrible is unfathomable to me.

The stuff she complains her son does, she would be very glad a man did same for her daughter

[quote author=happysisi post=31337133] everytime you talk about it and it seems like you are not well understood, know that someone understands. The painful truth is that he has become overly familiar with you to the point of not giving you worth, i can see him complementing and attaching importance to people that wont measure up to half of you on a normal day. He is doing this cos of your lack of glamour and it is really sad. I bet you the moment you start having money and looking good, he will start to complement and offer help which will be more or less useless then. This is the reason why some wifes treat their husbands badly if anything happens and table is turned. The resentment he is building in you, may even persist after you stand again. By now you dont need anybody to tell you that when you stand again, dont ever make any foolish sacrifice for him that will make you dependent. I know it is even more painful coming from him that should esteem you the most. Anytime i find my self been underesteemed by someone especially for flimsy reasons like the momentary lack you have, i dont need anyone to tell me such a person will take years or may not even be privilege to be as worthy as i am, because those who trully have it dont look down on the less have. Infact the way i will carry myself thence, it is just a twinkle of an eye before the person realises i am the one with the missing link. So , i am telling to carry yourself with worth with best affordable now and that you are better than those he is complementing, time will testify it. Keeping pushing for financial freedom, for the way opens with the will.

bukatyne:


It is nice you appreciate the shoes Some ladies walk in

Why it is majorly MILs that are terrible is unfathomable to me.

The stuff she complains her son does, she would be very glad a man did same for her daughter

Except for a few men,men generally step back when their children marry.It's the women who want to get involved.I guess it's the attachment they have towards their sons and the feeling that one small girl has now taken his attention.