narrator
the movie starts with queen elizabeth's visit to nigeria in the 60s back when she was hot
Queen elizabeth
hi guys i'm here to sow ethnic discord among nigerians oops! i hope i didn't say that out loud
narrator
then skip to the terrible opening song with really gross lyrics
thandie newton
hi guys i play a nigerian in this movie even though i neither look nor sound nigerian i guess i'm only here because i played love interest to chiwetel ejiofor in the movie 2012 talk about lazy casting
anika noni rose
Hi i'm thandies wooden and forgettable sister who is disgustingly vulgar and gives up a*ss on the first date thereby giving the world a wrong notion about nigerian girls
narrator
next we see both sisters having dinner with their father who is kissing up to a minister for one of those vague contracts nollywood never explains
zack orji
Hi guys this is my only appearance in this movie which means that i'm so irrelevant to the plot that if you actually sneezed and closed your eyes you would think i wasn't in the movie at all
Anyway i play a multi-millionaire and CEO of Dorochukwu biscuit and soda factories? damn what is with chinamanda always limiting Nigerians to biscuit and bubble gum factories in most of her stories?
chinamanda adichie
I'm trying to be realistic
zack orji
oh thank you mrs condescending just so you know, nigerians can actually be CEOs of hedge fund companies and media corporations
chinamanda adichie
shhhhh! I'm saving every bit of implausibility for chiwetel's character
zack orji
o why didn't you say so? alright back to the plot of me pimping out my daughters for a f*cking contract
tina mba
i dey here too o
thandie newton
Er i don't wanna work with your minister friend, i actually applied to teach sociology at the university of nigeria nsukka i start first thing tomorrow
zack orji
Loooool! Really?! You applied to teach at a federal university in Nigeria with no teaching experience or a*ss kissing and you got the job just like that?
thandie newton
Er.....*shrugs*i guess
zack orji
Besides you are actually giving up a life of luxury to teach in a Nigerian university, any character development that inspired this?
thandie newton
we were hoping no one will pick on that einstein
zack orji
Whatever, what about you noni? Wanna take one for the team?
anika noni rose
I plan on running the family biscuit and soda company
zack orji
but you don't have any experience in managing a business or any knowledge of the Nigerian market
anika noni rose
Well tough t*tty cause you don't have a right hand guy or some sort of understudy to take over the company, now first order of business is to act like a spoilt brat and f*ck up dad's chances of securing that contract
zack orji
On second thought, why don't you go mingle in the independence festivities i'll kiss his a*ss alone
narrator
thandie and anika go mingle in the OCT 1 celebrations where anika meets a dude who is charming her panties off
Joseph Mawle
Vodka and a dry martini shaken not stirred , hey there pretty lady the name is Mawle, joseph Mawle and i'm so suave
anika noni rose
Hmmmn a bond reference allow me to reciprocate by dropping a funny bond girl name
The name is p*ssy galore Anika.......Anika noni
joseph mawle
Hmmm good thing i just wanna hit it and quit it so i won't have to remember that name
anika noni rose
So what do you do mr. Mawle
joseph mawle
I'm a british writer
anika noni rose
Or are you?
jospeh mawle
No i'm just a british writer
anika noni rose
But.........but i saw you in cold light of day and you totally kicked a*ss in that movie
joseph mawle
oh my dear you'll be so disappointed in this movie i put the punk in p*ssy punk b*tch.
anika noni rose
Rrrrrrrrrrrr! Here's my number call me sometime i'll be in my wide screen office over seeing the city of port harcourt
joseph bawle
Pffft! what?! Your biscuit and soda factory has an office with a view?isn't that for people with real jobs?
anika noni rose
*scowls*
narrator
next thandie goes up north to visit her suprisingly poverty stricken aunty gloria young
gloria young
hi guys the fact that i'm totally irrelevant to the plot and i live up north is totally innocent i promise
narrator
next we are introduced to chiwetel ejiofor
chiwetel ejiofor
hi guys f*ck what i said on the ellen degeneres show, i'm totally Nigerian today and you can see that from my stereotypical Igbo accent because yea that is how all Igbos talk right?
Anyway i'm a federal university single professor in his thirties who still teaches B.sc students, who lives in a kick-a*ss bachelor pad with a man servant and plays tennis on saturdays i guess chinamanda went over board with this one right?
john boyega
hey guys remember me from 24 season 9 as the drone pilot who barely said sh*t? Well in this movie i'll be playing a Nigerian boy who barely says sh*t
chiwetel ejiofor
So thandie's gonna be coming over today now i know you can't cook so rather than buying food i suggest you poison my date with bad food so we can at least give the audience a laugh or two
To be continued...

Lol

Well broken down

I was really hoping that Hollywood effect would rub off so well on nollywood in dis movie.

But dem try sha! Ain't easy

ha. Op don vex face nollywood
I get suggestions for you:

Room 1403
Blackberry babes
Sai baba
ASUU strike
Flower girl
Ebola

severe,
oya, come and conclude this tale.

severee...!!!

Hahahaha... Severee you don come again!

Briareos:
severe,
oya, come and conclude this tale.

prof800:
severee...!!!

VillageBoi:
Hahahaha... Severee you don come again!

hmmm u go fear winding

john boyega
I'll do my best sir
thandie newton
*munch* ugh! Sick! you call this food? This is a bio-hazard argh!
chiwetel ejiofor
calm down honey it's just tasteless rice, nigerian men are the worst cooks remember?
thandie newton
Rice? Ugh! I bet your d*ck tastes better,let's go dry-hump offscreen
chiwetel ejiofor
but i was hoping we build a love story perhaps even some onscreen chemistry
thandie newton
Its a 1hour 55minute movie if anyone wants to see a love story from ground up go watch titanic
narrator
chiwetel's uppity mother onyeka onwenu shows up at chiwetel's house
onyeka onwenu
hi guys i play the typical mean Nigerian mother in law who hates thandie for no reason(because patience ozokwor is on holiday or something), now watch me give thandie sh*t for not sucking on her mother's t*ts
thandie newton
O_o so?
onyeka onwenu
As a proud illiterate Nigerian woman i'll say that makes you a witch
thandie newton
And how exactly did you find out without being a witch yourself?
onyeka onwenu
You're bad luck you can't marry my son
thandie newton
yea let's see i'm more educated, i'm more travelled, i'm a lot richer and attractive i mean i was dinning with a minister few scenes ago you on the other hand look like an 80 year old psychotic hobo now whose badluck?
onyeka onwenu
i don't wanna have this discussion anymore come on fat girl who is totally not here to screw your boyfriend
thandie newton
Er chiwetel.......who is that crazy woman? I hope you two ain't related?
chiwetel ejiofor
woman?! That's my mom
thandie newton
Really? Why does your mom look like a 250year old walrus while my mom looks like my elder sister?
chiwetel ejiofor
bad casting i guess?
thandie newton
Yuk! That means you are gonna age quickly, ugh! Get outta my house and never return you f*cking yetty
chiwetel ejiofor
just one time i flashed my hairy butt in 12 years a slave and everyone keeps calling me a walking carpet i have waxed it all off since then i promise
narrator
next we see chiwetel having a very meaningless chat with his friends
chiwetel ejiofor
i'm drunk yep i'm totally wasted and as a proud nigerian the next move is to get laid
babou ceesay
hi i have only 7 lines in this movie yay!
genevieve nnaji
i'm here to give the audience false hope of romance between me and chiwetel that's why i shall kiss him for no reason
narrator
john boyega peeks at chiwetel having sex later that night
john boyega
did i forget to add that i'm a peeping tom creep?
narrator
chiwetel visits thandie who is either bathing or soaking a tendering foot or m*sturbating Who knows? Anyway it looks super choreographed
biyi bandele
and make sure you get a shot of her peanut sized t*ts that's the money shot right there
audience
(Puke their guts)
thandie newton
you cheated on me didn't you?
chiwetel ejiofor
how did you know?
thandie newton
because i've developed clairvoyant powers damn it
biyi bandele
just thought i add a little sci-fi to the story
chiwetel ejiofor
you're right I had sex with someone
thandie newton
*rolling eyes*Ugh! Jeez! Who was it? Genevieve?
chiwetel ejiofor
Pfft! I wish
thandie newton
My sister?
chiwetel ejiofor
Nope it was with the susan wokoma
thandie newton

chiwetel ejiofor
you know, the ugly fat skank my mom brought with her
thandie newton
groooooooooooooooss!!
chiwetel ejiofor
But in my defence i think i was deliberately roofied by own my mom
onyeka onwenu
Hmmmm! So you finally figured it out magnum P.I, i deliberately got you drunk and forced her on you
chiwetel ejiofor
O God
onyeka onwenu
And now she's pregnant with my grand kid
chiwetel ejiofor
damn within how many days? That's bullsh*t
biyi bandele
ahem! 1hour 55minutes still have a civil war to cover so get on with it
chiwetel ejiofor
Sh*t i guess we should get married
onyeka onwenu
About that, she is actually getting married to someone else
chiwetel ejiofor
Wow! So first you scare off my girlfriend then you get me drunk and forced me to knock-up a girl getting married to someone else geez just how much could you complicate my life mom?
onyeka onwenu
ew! It's a female child we nigerians only respect and adore male children that's why i shall add to my only male childs headache by dumping the b*tch at his house
chiwetel ejiofor
i just had to ask
onyeka onwenu
that's me mom of the year
narrator
thandie runs off to her broke as f*ck aunty up north for advice cause, yea don't talk to mom about it
gloria young
Oh get used to that, all Nigerian men are unreliable douche bags when it comes to fidelity, but as for me and my husband, i always keep a butcher knife around to cut his d*ck if he ever gets caught cheating i suggest you do the same
Nobert young
*gulp*
thandie newton
oh thank you aunt church rat you are the best aunty ever even though you look more like my mother's grandmother's sister's mother

To be continued......

kobosmart:








hmmm u go fear winding

morale killer

DuchessLily:
Lol

Well broken down

I was really hoping that Hollywood effect would rub off so well on nollywood in dis movie.

But dem try sha! Ain't easy

I won't lie the movie was good, the cinematography was good(even though the cinematographer wasn't Nollywood)
The scores and sound effects were excellent, the theatrics were moderate
The storyline was ok
The only part that missed it's mark was the plot
E enter confirm bush
One moment it's a love story then it looks like a love triangle then it looks like a disaster movie there was too much going on that even though it was a particular family that was the focus, nothing changed about them at the end of the day and too many loose ends

prof800:
severee...!!!

Briareos:
severe,
oya, come and conclude this tale.

VillageBoi:
Hahahaha... Severee you don come again!

Yes o it's your boy naija paul haggis

severee:


morale killer

Ah ah u wan cry oya make me sef whine you
beautiful post I laffed all thru

kobosmart:


Ah ah u wan cry oya make me sef whine you
beautiful post I laffed all thru

now you are talking dey wind my head
So I person go get hope dey scope e sef dey go

severee:


now you are talking dey wind my head
So I person go get hope dey scope e sef dey go

You are the next generation spielberg

Severee, me and u know say the movie bad wella so no praise am one bit at all

OMG!!!! this is damn funny

Interesting. Do continue.

Csami:
Severee, me and u know say the movie bad wella so no praise am one bit at all

ah ah oga have mercy, the film try small na
It was good enough to make their money back i'm still puzzled as to why it performed so poorly at the box office na even Nigeria push e sales up
I guess it's one of those movies that focused more on its look than its content

narrator
major general johnson aguiyi ironsi addresses Nigerians
aguiyi ironsi
hi guys i noticed this movie is turning into a lazily written 50 shades of grey kind of movie so i shall be jump starting the plot proper

Ahem! now following popular demand i'm now the new head of state of Nigeria
nnamdi azikiwe
popular demand under gun point you mean?
Kaduna Nzeogwu
man shut the f*ck up before i murder you like i did zack orji's bland minister friend
nnamdi azikiwe
(Walks away)

aguiyi ironsi
Anyway i shall make my administration benefit only my people and i dare the others to say something
Babafemi Ogundipe
But won't that freak out your colleagues? i mean not too long after your appointment and inter-ethnic discord has become a Nigerian trend just look at that guy at the airport
tribalist
hey thandie i'm a tribalistic bigot who hates your people now give up your digits
thandie newton
O_o and that's how you flirt with chicks?
tribalist
depends.........is it working?
thandie newton
Mtchew!!(Walks away)
aguiyi ironsi
haha c*ck block i bet he won't do that again
Babafemi Ogundipe
Still doesn't change anything sir
aguiyi ironsi
Fine then i will grant freedom of press
Babafemi Ogundipe
yea freedom to fuel hatred and rivalry between Nigerians?
aguiyi ironsi
Fine then i will enact decree 44
Babafemi Ogundipe
oh cool so i guess you'll be punishing the coup plotters then
aguiyi ironsi
Coup plotting? that's a crime?
Babafemi Ogundipe
ok now i'll take it you don't know how that makes you look
aguiyi ironsi
come on what's the worst that can happen?
theophilus danjuma
ding dong b*tches i got a counter-coup sandwich with your name on it........ yea Nigeria has one of the most laughable political histories ever.
yakubu gowon
i wanna be president
theophilus danjuma
What do you think this is? a pony ride? man go play in a bouncing castle or something
yakubu gowon
boo hoo mother f*cker
theophilus danjuma
*rolling eyes* ok fine damn!
narrator
thandie runs into joseph at a bar
joseph mawle
Hey thandie what are you doing here?
thandie newton
want to get drunk and troll for random dudes to hate f*ck for vendatta purposes are you interested?
joseph mawle
HYFR
narrator
they head home
jospeh mawle
You know this would be a good time for Nigeria to advertise Palm wine to the world just like russian vodka,american budweiser and french white wine
thandie newton
True
jospeh mawle
So why are you getting drunk on red wine instead?
thandie newton
haven't you cracked the code to the message of this movie yet? "WHITE MAN GOOD BLACK MAN BAD"
That's the message of the whole movie that's why every black guy in the movie is either a d*ck or irrelevant where as white is associated with everything holy
joseph mawle
That will explain why "santa baby" is playing in the background when it's not even christmas
(They f*ck)
narrator
thandie gets back with chiwetel
thandie newton
oh what a pretty baby i will take after her i love your hairy chest let's go jump bones real quick
chiwetel ejiofor
Ok so you didn't get back with me when i probably slept with susan wakomo but you suddenly love me again when you find her baby here?
thandie newton
oh don't worry about me i've totally taken all my anger and frustration on joseph's d*ck so i'm all good
chiwetel ejiofor
you what?!
narrator
chiwetel zooms off to joseph's home
joseph mawle
hi chiwetel
chiwetel ejiofor
get your d*ck out of my girlfriend you f*cking Equinsu Osha

bye(drives off)
joseph mawle
You drove all the way just to tell me that? Isn't that the reason why the telephone was created? i wonder what he will do to his girlfriend if he just freaked out on her lover
chiwetel ejiofor
i love you too honey even though a real Nigerian man will totally break up with ur a*ss
the one time they could actually say the truth about Nigerians and this is what they do?*shrugs*

narrator
thandie, noni and joseph are having lunch, joseph's man servant walks in
jude orhoha
Bae bae bae
Anika noni rose
dude this aint fuji house of commotion you can actually talk in this movie
jude orhoha
then in that case i shall showcase my alfred pennyworth impersonation,
Ahem! Master joseph your lunch awaits
thandie newton
Your food tastes real good
jude orhoha
Why thank you madam i used to sneak some of it to chiwetel till he had an altercation with my boss and being a proud Nigerian i instantly took sides with a white dude over my brother
go #OneNigeria
anika noni rose
You had a fight with chiwetel? Why?
you slept with my sister didn't you?
joseph mawle
the f*ck? how did you know that?
anika noni rose
i'm clairvoyant like my sister b*tch
jospeh mawle
i'm sorry in my defence i thought she was you, you both look alike
thandie newton
Oh did i forget to mention that anika and i are twins?
audience
(Laugh their heads off)
anika noni rose
I hate you joseph i never want to see you again
joseph mawle
Ok off to london then
narrator
joseph is at the airport when he glances at thandie who just happened to be there because........ "COINCIDENCE"
hakeem kae kaseem
hi guys! I'm here to do a head count on all the Nigerians who didn't see me play col. Ike dubaku in 24 season 7
Nigerians
What's it to you what do you want with them?
hakeem kae kaseem
I wanna give them a special flight ticket discount
Nigerians
In that case(puts up their hands)
hakeem kae kaseem
jeez luiz! Y'all are Nigerians you don't even look Nigerian you look like tourist making fun of Nigerian costumes and attires this is even worse than the nigerian scene in x-men origins
why can't movie adaptations get anything Right! Raaaaaaaaaaaargh
(Murders them all in a d*ck way and walks off to become the d*ck hitman in the series Gotham produced by the same d*cks that created arrow)
joseph mawle
[s]bada*ssly grabs an assault rifle from a soldier, murders the whole unit and takes hakeem kae kaseem prisoner to question him about his employers[/s]

(Sh*ts a brick)

I guess i should be worried about noni right? No? Okay
narrator
Next thandie accidentally walks into the set of the avengers
thandie newton
Um Cab driver why am i on the set of the avengers? Please turn around
cab driver
No ma'am it's actually a looting scene
thandie newton
So why is there fire everywhere i don't see anyone with a flame thrower or a kosovo cocktail
Scary as f*ck thug
hey thandie you are just in time to watch us brutally murder your favourite aunt church rat
thandie newton
ugh! Really?
Scary as f*ck thug
just kidding i'm just gonna drag her into a room (for reasons?) And then come out wiping my machete with a magic cloth that disappears two seconds later, i just hope the audience can use their imagination and not think i'm giving your aunty a time out( which is what this looks like though)
thandie newton
Hey aunt church rat where is you d*ck slashing knife?
gloria young
Great! the one time i didn't bring it with me,
What's even more hilarious is that i'm ten times bigger than this dude and i can snap him like a twig(dies)
thandie newton
Nooooooooo!
cab driver
Madam you can't go
thandie newton
Why?
cab driver
Like duh! You haven't paid your cab fare which should have tripled since i've added thandie's sentinel to my job description
thandie newton
*scowls*
cab driver
And i also want to rescue you from the thugs
scary as f*ck thug
hey guys i just sighted thandie like a thousand yards away with my super vision let's approach her slowly and dramatically to kill her
(They do so)
narrator
but thandie escapes narrowly with her life of course we weren't really scared for her to begin with

To be continued.........

Ok this is waaaaaaaay better than the movie..

Vivly:
Ok this is waaaaaaaay better than the movie..

awww! Stop i'm blushing

Ode

severee:


ah ah oga have mercy, the film try small na
It was good enough to make their money back i'm still puzzled as to why it performed so poorly at the box office na even Nigeria push e sales up
I guess it's one of those movies that focused more on its look than its content

I'm not sure they made half of their money back. You know this looks and sounds cooler than the movie itself?

Csami:


I'm not sure they made half of their money back. You know this looks and sounds cooler than the movie itself?

Ah forget o their losses were huge, I feel so sorry for them

severee:


Ah forget o their losses were huge, I feel so sorry for them

True shaa, sad for them as it was a $10m mega flop. I don't even think it's made $1m back.

US - $54,529
New Zealand - $37,763
UK - $214,101
Then add Nigerian figures (apparently $73,726 for DVD sales?? - no idea about actual 'box office' or if that is 'included') and that's about it.

severee lmfao!!! That ur anika noni rose and joseph mawle dialogue got me lolling so hard! this movie was so dull. Dint enjoy it 1 bit. Thought it was dogsh*t. U going to do October 1st? Cus i thought that movie too was horsesh*t

VillageBoi:


True shaa, sad for them as it was a $10m mega flop. I don't even think it's made $1m back.

US - $54,529
New Zealand - $37,763
UK - $214,101
Then add Nigerian figures (apparently $73,726 for DVD sales?? - no idea about actual 'box office' or if that is 'included') and that's about it.

Uk even try for them small i even thot nigeria had the highest sales

them come pirate am untop

severee:


Uk even try for them small i even thot nigeria had the highest sales

them come pirate am untop

Lol. Even If she wants the movie adaptation of Americanah, she'd seriously think.

Vivly:

Lol. Even If she wants the movie adaptation of Americanah, she'd seriously think.

I got the Americanah novel 3 weeks ago but I haven't read it yet due to school.. Maybe, during the hols..

Read it? What's it like?

Sleekyshuga:

I got the Americanah novel 3 weeks ago but I haven't read it yet due to school.. Maybe, during the hols..

Read it? What's it like?

It's so awesome!

Severee, if the same guy try do the movie adaptation of Americanah, na to send sango after am.

Csami:


It's so awesome!

Severee, if the same guy try do the movie adaptation of Americanah, na to send sango after am.

Wow.. I can't wait to read through.. Tnxs bae..

LOL @ Sango..

shockwave91:
severee lmfao!!! That ur anika noni rose and joseph mawle dialogue got me lolling so hard! this movie was so dull. Dint enjoy it 1 bit. Thought it was dogsh*t. U going to do October 1st? Cus i thought that movie too was horsesh*t

lol guy make kunle catch u say u talk say e sweat and blood na horse sh*t i hear say the guy dey para gan!
Anyway the small oct 1 wey i watch was kk it was just too predictable and the actors speaking english made it look like a stage drama just my opinion though