hello my fellow nairalanders,

My name is oyiza, I am from kogi state in nigeria, An event happened to me in the course of growing up as a child that is still ever fresh in my memory and something similar is happening in my marriage presently.

My dad was from kogi state kabba precisely, My mum is from idoma but she lived in lagos and understands yoruba to a fault. My mum is a primary school teacher, My dad was a civil servant in one of the ministries in lagos then.

As a young teenager i knew that my uncles and my aunties where always coming to our house to resolve issues between my dad and my mum ,My father was the one always telling his siblings about how USELESS and disobidient my mother was.

Eventually the issue of my dad letting his families into there marriage became a very BIG ISSUE as every one tagged my mother as the BAD WIFE.

It was a tug of war that lasted for years,Eventually my dad sisters came to our house and threw my mum loads out of the house.

My mum pleaded to come back into the suffering as my mum was always been beating in our presence frequently by my dad.

My mum left and my dads relative had oppurtunity to take over all what my dad and mum had built over the years. Eventually my dad became responsible for the payment of his siblings children school bill at the detriment of his childrens education.

*Me and my folks had to pick up sales girl and sales boy job to further our education with support from the tiny salary mummy was getting.

His business that was booming went into demurage ,he started begging from hand to mouth his sisters and brother abandonded him for that period,i was almost graduadting from school when this strange ailment came upon him, we took him from different hospital to another, Doctors took different tests but nothing was found in his body, we took him to three different churches and we were told that its a spiritual attack that was placed on him by one of his family members that asked for money from him but he didn't give.Fast

forwarded my Dad died 2months to my wedding day. My dad and mum had the best of marriage but trouble started when my dad was always labelling my mum as Evil to his siblings.The most painful thing is that all they laboured for got wiped away in there very eyes as my mum dare not talk where my aunties and uncles are simply because of the way my dad had spoken of her in there presence.

Hence i need help, I have been married for just 3yrs ,we have fought in our marriage but my husband had reported me to his friends and parents more than 3 times his friends call me to now find out what transpired between us.To me i feel so ridiculed as i sincerely hate people putting there mouth in my home affairs, except COUNSELLORS if need should be.

My husband had beaten me before without mentioning it to a single soul. But if its him he wont hesitate to feed his friend and siblings,The first time it happened we talked about it but it happened again 5 days ago,I love my Husband But i dont TRUST HIM AGAIN.I

felt Betrayed by my husband,i dont want what happened to my dad and mum to happen to me as this was the exact way there issues started way back then before it eventually resulted in divorce and then my father died mysteriously just two months to my day of joy.

Please no insult, Advise on how to resolve this is all i need.

*Note that i have been praying too*.constructive ideas,What are the consequences of Bringing Third parties into marriages, please share your experiences.

Eyah. Communication is key

It's [size=20pt]LadyF [/size] again

There is an association in d catholic church, its called justice dispute and peace smth smth, JDPC. They solve problems like this.... There members are mostly retired barristers or serving lawyers... So ask for this people in any catholic church, they will tell u whne they hold their meetins and u go there and inform them about ur matter... They will intervene...

ladyF:
Eyah. Communication is key

communication what is key... Can't u sense wife battery in this situation?

Hmnn

So sorry for what you are passing through.

AUNTY, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOME TRUTHS...........I KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE THEM BUT IT IS THE TRUTH..

1. YOUR HUSBAND WILL BEAT YOU SOME MORE AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
2. HE WILL KEEP TELLING HIS FRIENDS ABOUT EVERY 'SILLY' MISTAKE OF YOURS AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
3.YOU WILL KEEP CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE THE VICTIM AND THE GOOD WIFE AND THERE IS NOTHING NLDERS CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

DOES YOU HUBBY COME HOME AND START INSULTING YOU WITHOUT YOU PROMPTING HIM TO?
SOMEHOW YOU CLEVERLY OMITTED THE THINGS YOU DO THAT MAKES HIM ANGRY, TRYING TO PLAY THE VICTIM...WHY?

BEHAVE RIGHT! IF HE WANTS ANYTHING GIVE HIM...BE SUBMISSIVE! COOK GOOD FOOD! MAKE HIM HAPPY!
......AND I PROMISE YOU EXCEPT HE IS MAD, HE WILL SING YOUR PRAISE TO ALL HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS.

Hi dear,

So sorry bout wat ure going through. Its horrible when the one thing uve dreaded all ur life appears to confront u. I don't advocate speaking to third parties, esp because the advise ure going to get will inevitably be flavoured by the third party's experiences. So, their advice is typically biased and from their perspective too.

The domestic violence is a no no for me. Why does he have to resort to violence...it's plain unacceptable and must be stopped immediately. Both of you need to see a marriage counsellor and fast too. Ur husband seems to recognise there are issues but the manner hes going bout reeks of immaturity cos he doesn't know half of what's going on in his friends' marriages behind closed doors.

n pls never under estimate the power of prayers. Cos it breaks my heart wen I see negative patterns repeated across family lines. U have to break the evil pattern that occurred in ur mum's life that now wants to destroy ur marriage. Cry unto God and ask Him to change ur story like Jabez did. He's still in the business of answering prayers. It is well!

AUNTY, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOME TRUTHS...........I KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE THEM BUT IT IS THE TRUTH..

1. YOUR HUSBAND WILL BEAT YOU SOME MORE AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
2. HE WILL KEEP TELLING HIS FRIENDS ABOUT EVERY 'SILLY' MISTAKE OF YOURS AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
3.YOU WILL KEEP CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE THE VICTIM AND THE GOOD WIFE AND THERE IS NOTHING NLDERS CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

DOES YOU HUBBY COME HOME AND START INSULTING YOU WITHOUT YOU PROMPTING HIM TO?
SOMEHOW YOU CLEVERLY OMITTED THE THINGS YOU DO THAT MAKES HIM ANGRY, TRYING TO PLAY THE VICTIM...WHY?

BEHAVE RIGHT! IF HE WANTS ANYTHING GIVE HIM...BE SUBMISSIVE! COOK GOOD FOOD! MAKE HIM HAPPY!
......AND I PROMISE YOU EXCEPT HE IS MAD, HE WILL SING YOUR PRAISE TO ALL HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS.


at the DDeliverer,

Thank you for your contribution,I except response like this on this platform,I would never be pissed with your opinion because you are not living under the same room with us.I am a very loving wife that know my duty fully well in my husbands house,read between the lines and see where i quoted that i love my husband so very well,a point of correction based on your post i am not playing the role of a victim here not all i cant be writing all what has transpired between us on this platform as it might take days to finish the story,How will you feel if your wife keeps comparing you to her father and brother as at every little oppurtunity.A man that shares home monetary responsibilities with you on a basis of 50/50 and still tarnish your image between his friends and folks.just to mention few.and i still declare my love for him outrightly.Dear Ddeliverer all i want is a constructive opinion.Thank you for your opinion though

Offtopic. Oyizaoyiza, how come your dad is kabba and your mum is idoma but your name is Oyiza?

Oyiza is an ebira name.

oyizaoyiza:



at the DDeliverer,

Thank you for your contribution,I except response like this on this platform,I would never be pissed with your opinion because you are not living under the same room with us.I am a very loving wife that know my duty fully well in my husbands house,read between the lines and see where i quoted that i love my husband so very well,a point of correction based on your post i am not playing the role of a victim here not all i cant be writing all what has transpired between us on this platform as it might take days to finish the story,How will you feel if your wife keeps comparing you to her father and brother as at every little oppurtunity.A man that shares home monetary responsibilities with you on a basis of 50/50 and still tarnish your image between his friends and folks.just to mention few.and i still declare my love for him outrightly.Dear Ddeliverer all i want is a constructive opinion.Thank you for your opinion though

What exactly do you want to read madam


You witnessed what your mum suffered in the hands of your father and you still marry a man worse than your father?

Is it a generational curse or something?

And am sure you read threads on this forum so why did you open this thread? You feel like opening one or you enjoy being a victim?

Anyway, keep loving him as he damages your self worth, your self esteem, breaks your eye, cripples you or kills you


Or


Leave!!!


Ain't no body gat time for this same ol' stories

Joavid:


What exactly do you want to read madam


You witnessed what your mum suffered in the hands of your father and you still marry a man worse than your father?

Is it a generational curse or something?

And am sure you read threads on this forum so why did you open this thread? You feel like opening one or you enjoying being a victim?

Anyway, keep loving him as he damages your self worth, your self esteem, breaks your eye, cripples you or kills you


Or


Leave!!!


Ain't no body gat time for this same ol' stories

It is a vicious cycle

She saw mummy battered and still begging to come back.

In her mind, she thinks behaving better than mummy & not involving third parties (which to her broke the marriage & not daddy's behaviour), her marriage will be blissful.

Unfortunately, it takes two to make it work.

DDeliverer:
AUNTY, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOME TRUTHS...........I KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE THEM BUT IT IS THE TRUTH..

1. YOUR HUSBAND WILL BEAT YOU SOME MORE AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
2. HE WILL KEEP TELLING HIS FRIENDS ABOUT EVERY 'SILLY' MISTAKE OF YOURS AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
3.YOU WILL KEEP CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE THE VICTIM AND THE GOOD WIFE AND THERE IS NOTHING NLDERS CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

DOES YOU HUBBY COME HOME AND START INSULTING YOU WITHOUT YOU PROMPTING HIM TO?
SOMEHOW YOU CLEVERLY OMITTED THE THINGS YOU DO THAT MAKES HIM ANGRY, TRYING TO PLAY THE VICTIM...WHY?

BEHAVE RIGHT! IF HE WANTS ANYTHING GIVE HIM...BE SUBMISSIVE! COOK GOOD FOOD! MAKE HIM HAPPY!
......AND I PROMISE YOU EXCEPT HE IS MAD, HE WILL SING YOUR PRAISE TO ALL HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS.

u should av considered d issue on both front. so u av never heard that some men/women just fight dier spouse over absolute nothing. You need to realise that some ppl are just warped in dier world to consider d feelings of others. yes! I knw one man who just deals his wife blows cos he is more 'powerful'

DDeliverer:
AUNTY, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOME TRUTHS...........I KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE THEM BUT IT IS THE TRUTH..

1. YOUR HUSBAND WILL BEAT YOU SOME MORE AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
2. HE WILL KEEP TELLING HIS FRIENDS ABOUT EVERY 'SILLY' MISTAKE OF YOURS AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
3.YOU WILL KEEP CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE THE VICTIM AND THE GOOD WIFE AND THERE IS NOTHING NLDERS CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

DOES YOU HUBBY COME HOME AND START INSULTING YOU WITHOUT YOU PROMPTING HIM TO?
SOMEHOW YOU CLEVERLY OMITTED THE THINGS YOU DO THAT MAKES HIM ANGRY, TRYING TO PLAY THE VICTIM...WHY?

BEHAVE RIGHT! IF HE WANTS ANYTHING GIVE HIM...BE SUBMISSIVE! COOK GOOD FOOD! MAKE HIM HAPPY!
......AND I PROMISE YOU EXCEPT HE IS MAD, HE WILL SING YOUR PRAISE TO ALL HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS.

You are joking right? Cook good food? Na 2day?

ireneidiva:

You are joking right? Cook good food? Na 2day?

He probably missed their favorite : RED PANT/THONG AND GLISTENING RED BRA.

LadyFiona:
He probably missed their favorite : RED PANT/THONG AND GLISTENING RED BRA.

Dunno how they reason.

Oyizaoyiza my only advice for is to play the fool for your husband for 48 hours. Keep calm, be the perfect wife and after then, prepare his favorite food before he comes from work. After he comes and is well relaxed, tell him you need to talk to him. When he grants audience, tell him everything you have posted here. Help him understand that its happening all over again and the fact is that there is nothing you can do better than your mom. Therefore if it happens again, you might not be as calm as your mom thereby seeking a divorce or separation. And for goodness sake, work on your own attitude too. Both of you shouldn't solve your disagreement by fighting! Patience, tolerance and understanding does it!

You are a wounded child and that is why the scars from your childhood are being reopened. But this man is not your father and you are not your mother. Marriage does not make anyone wiser or more mature overnight it is a process.
The first thing you need to do is give your husband a clean slate.You need to wipe out your parents story from his slate
The next thing you need to learn is not to take marriage so serious. Today the only reason people live together is becauuthey want to. If love and hamony is gone. What is left? CERTAINLY marriage is a divine contract and worth giving sacrifice for but it does not work out if you are so tied up and serious. Please learn to ignore some things and laugh over others it helps more than the most logical arguments. Men are like children when you pamper them and remain calm you get more results. When the atmosphere is tense call him or send him a message that you love him and can't wait for him to come home. Pet him when he is angry don't always try to iron things out.Sometimes it is better to laugh things out.or let them just fly over.nd even when angry and mad always show him respect and ask for forgiveness when you have wronged him.

I am very worried you married a man just like your father.

You both need counseling, please take this seriously. You may think your husband is the bad person and you are the loving wife you call yourself, but deep down, both of you have offended each other hence the fights. Your marriage is too young to be going through all of this, in fact from what you have written, your parent's problems started much later in marriage than yours. So why do you think you are having these issues.

Your husband is partly to blame for beating you and talking bad about you. You are not perfect and never will be, so he should be able to manage his home affairs without violence and inviting outsiders. So I fault him for that without even hearing him out.

On the other hand, I will say that you may not be the perfect wife you claim to be. Somehow, you are transferring the bitterness and anger of your parent's marriage to yours and it is showing. Believe me, your husband is seeing some wrong things and he is reacting to them (over reacting). May be because you share the bills 50/50 makes you think you can do whatever you like. May be the fact that your mother was abused has made you very defensive and even offensive - only you can tell.

Let me ask you one question. What does he complain about? He just cant keep complaining for no reason? What does he complain about?

This one deep ghen

3 is crowd in everything we do. relationships, business etcetra

Well, if you are sure you do not really contribute to the problems, that is if you check your mind and you can say that you do not provoke some of this attitudes of his many at times, then you should try to create an enabling environment, sit him down and discuss all these issues with him, if after that he continues, then you should probably seek divorce as the continuation of such attitude would have a more painful ending than divorce as the case of your mum who was thrown out and all that followed.


One of the things that could be very provoking in a relationship or marriage is repeating somethings your partner doesn't like and keep saying its a mistake. I am just saying you should check yourself first.

Aaaand, how come do you bare Oyiza when non of your parents are actually Ebira?

cc: oyizaoyiza

Ok

Hmm... What a story! Lesson learnt.

Sit your husband down and make him realize the dangers of involving the third party in a relationship.

I hope you won't go through what your mom went through.
God help us All.

Too bad

Wrong power play.

When a man hits you once, It is highly likely it is going to hit you again

I will recommend for a while. I had a friend whose mum or dad would move out for few days/weeks when they fight