You need to examine yourself properly and discover that area of your life where you always get wrong without noticing it.

Based on the picture you painted about your parents marital affairs, you feel that your mum was not treated fairly, and that has left you with a cry for vengeance which you display sometimes without knowing it. This off course, will infuriate your husband after examining himself and finding nothing that warrants such behaviour.

Find out those things he complaints of and stay away from them. Put up those behaviours that enticed him to you in first place.

As for me, getting a third party is to talk to you because he wants you to change.

The Lord will help you.

No church or Religion can help you on this......FIND OUT WHEN AND WHY YOU STOPPED TRUSTING YOUR HUSBAND....IF IT CAN BE REPAIRED REPAIR IT,IF NOT YOU EITHER ENDURE THE MARRIAGE OR LEAVE IT

OP u need to go for proper counseling n deliverance. It could be a yoke of divorce following ur maternal blood lineage.

Cutehector:
communication what is key... Can't u sense wife battery in this situation?

dont mind her ,she has nothing to say,she is only intrested in the front page thing,i wonder how much making front page is paying them.

@ oyizaoiza I rarely comment on family section because of its complication and how emotional it makes me. I think you need to develop new avenue for communication with your husband, pray to God to open his heart and bring peace and understanding to your home. Talk to your husband about third party and how you detest it.


I will put you in my prayers for the peace of the lord to come into that marriage

C

DDeliverer:
AUNTY, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOME TRUTHS...........I KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE THEM BUT IT IS THE TRUTH..

1. YOUR HUSBAND WILL BEAT YOU SOME MORE AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
2. HE WILL KEEP TELLING HIS FRIENDS ABOUT EVERY 'SILLY' MISTAKE OF YOURS AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
3.YOU WILL KEEP CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE THE VICTIM AND THE GOOD WIFE AND THERE IS NOTHING NLDERS CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

DOES YOU HUBBY COME HOME AND START INSULTING YOU WITHOUT YOU PROMPTING HIM TO?
SOMEHOW YOU CLEVERLY OMITTED THE THINGS YOU DO THAT MAKES HIM ANGRY, TRYING TO PLAY THE VICTIM...WHY?

BEHAVE RIGHT! IF HE WANTS ANYTHING GIVE HIM...BE SUBMISSIVE! COOK GOOD FOOD! MAKE HIM HAPPY!
......AND I PROMISE YOU EXCEPT HE IS MAD, HE WILL SING YOUR PRAISE TO ALL HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS.

[color=#006600][/color]


Some husbands are mad and there is nothing you can do about it.

Check yourself, hope you are not domineering personality. The forces that scatter your parent marriage is after yours get to MFM for deliverance.

TooNoisy:
I am very worried you married a man just like your father.

You both need counseling, please take this seriously. You may think your husband is the bad person and you are the loving wife you call yourself, but deep down, both of you have offended each other hence the fights. Your marriage is too young to be going through all of this, in fact from what you have written, your parent's problems started much later in marriage than yours. So why do you think you are having these issues.

Your husband is partly to blame for beating you and talking bad about you. You are not perfect and never will be, so he should be able to manage his home affairs without violence and inviting outsiders. So I fault him for that without even hearing him out.

On the other hand, I will say that you may not be the perfect wife you claim to be. Somehow, you are transferring the bitterness and anger of your parent's marriage to yours and it is showing. Believe me, your husband is seeing some wrong things and he is reacting to them (over reacting). May be because you share the bills 50/50 makes you think you can do whatever you like. May be the fact that your mother was abused has made you very defensive and even offensive - only you can tell.

Let me ask you one question. What does he complain about? He just cant keep complaining for no reason? What does he complain about?

Madam
u r so right, as a husband, I was behaving like her husband some months ago, my marriage was failing, we quarreled everyday and fought whenever am back from work, I was so depressed and went into alcohol, dis didn't solve the issues, it went worse, my wife was too defensive, unapologetic and I was ready to teach her some lessons.

I started hanging out with girls, friends even travel for days, but all never worked, I was a dead inside.

I remember once at work offshore, I contemplated suicide, Life had no meaning. I was doing well, financially, just got another promotion and and acquired another car but all these didn't make sense again. I just wanted to die.

I started getting close to my extended family, who I have kept at bay for 6 years and dey really were not helping, they were pulling me deep into the alcohol.

Then she left, she left. AHHHH
that was it, I tried to be strong, I couldn't concentrate again, everything was falling apart. I avoided people, I started chain smoking and drunk at all times.

I searched for her and my 5 years old daughter, drove everywhere and even cried.

Beg all that knows her, accuse my pastor of hiding her, even took him to the police.

to cut the story short, we are back together.

I realize how powerful love can be, I realized the power of a woman and know that a man is so weak.

so Madam, I am sharing these so as for u to get a glimpse of wat is going on in ur husbands head.

U guys (women) are powerful, I mean powerful (No mind our noise ooo). but u under estimate ourselves. U have the key to his heart all he wants to see is that submissiveness.

When a woman submits she is not being foolish, she is not a lesser being, she is setting herself for greatness.

My wife change and now, I ask her what to do first, am happy carrying out her instructions, she DECIDES and am proud of dat because she gives me my respect and dats wat matters.

A man, even the worst type, will always remember the kind of wife he has at home and come back. his ego might not allow him to apologize but he will be remorse. show him love despite his wrong acts and he will change.

NB. pls leave if the beating increases and pray for him, u know we are weak.

God bless U and keep ur marraige

My sister, I called you that because we are family here in nairaland. You are the one wearing the shoes, and you alone knows where the pain is coming from.

There is always a good day where husband and wife feel really happy to be alive. Both of you are in a very good mood. Capitalise on that beautiful day. Cook the best meal both of you enjoy (because if I say food that he enjoy, that will be selfish )

After eating, tell him you want to talk to him. Tell him what you told us here in NL. The story of your family and everything. Please my dear sister, you are permitted to cry during the story. (Some of us guys can't stand to behold a crying person not to talk of a lady. Me for example. I don't go to funeral because of that ) Tell him that you love him so much and you can do any thing for him. but you are now scared of third party. And your biggest fear is losing him.

If he has heard your family story before, drum it into his ears again. Tell him that if there are any thing you are doing wrong, he should let you know instead of going out to say it.

You did not marry only a husband.you equally got married to your best friend. So Both of you should have a healthy communication.

But if you can't cope any more after trying your best and are convinced you have done enough dear sister, every happiness must not be equal to marriage. You know the exit door. You don't have to die young because you wanted a ring in the middle of your finger.

Gods300men:


Madam
u r so right, as a husband, I was behaving like her husband some months ago, my marriage was failing, we quarreled everyday and fought whenever am back from work, I was so depressed and went into alcohol, dis didn't solve the issues, it went worse, my wife was too defensive, unapologetic and I was ready to teach her some lessons.

I started hanging out with girls, friends even travel for days, but all never worked, I was a dead inside.

I remember once at work offshore, I contemplated suicide, Life had no meaning. I was doing well, financially, just got another promotion and and acquired another car but all these didn't make sense again. I just wanted to die.

I started getting close to my extended family, who I have kept at bay for 6 years and dey really were not helping, they were pulling me deep into the alcohol.

Then she left, she left. AHHHH
that was it, I tried to be strong, I couldn't concentrate again, everything was falling apart. I avoided people, I started chain smoking and drunk at all times.

I searched for her and my 5 years old daughter, drove everywhere and even cried.

Beg all that knows her, accuse my pastor of hiding her, even took him to the police.

to cut the story short, we are back together.

I realize how powerful love can be, I realized the power of a woman and know that a man is so weak.

so Madam, I am sharing these so as for u to get a glimpse of wat is going on in ur husbands head.

U guys (women) are powerful, I mean powerful (No mind our noise ooo). but u under estimate ourselves. U have the key to his heart all he wants to see is that submissiveness.

When a woman submits she is not being foolish, she is not a lesser being, she is setting herself for greatness.

My wife change and now, I ask her what to do first, am happy carrying out her instructions, she DECIDES and am proud of dat because she gives me my respect and dats wat matters.

A man, even the worst type, will always remember the kind of wife he has at home and come back. his ego might not allow him to apologize but he will be remorse. show him love despite his wrong acts and he will change.

NB. pls leave if the beating increases and pray for him, u know we are weak.

God bless U and keep ur marraige

Good advise.

oyizaoyiza:
hello my fellow nairalanders,

My name is oyiza, I am from kogi state in nigeria, An event happened to me in the course of growing up as a child that is still ever fresh in my memory and something similar is happening in my marriage presently.

My dad was from kogi state kabba precisely, My mum is from idoma but she lived in lagos and understands yoruba to a fault. My mum is a primary school teacher, My dad was a civil servant in one of the ministries in lagos then.

As a young teenager i knew that my uncles and my aunties where always coming to our house to resolve issues between my dad and my mum ,My father was the one always telling his siblings about how USELESS and disobidient my mother was.

Eventually the issue of my dad letting his families into there marriage became a very BIG ISSUE as every one tagged my mother as the BAD WIFE.

It was a tug of war that lasted for years,Eventually my dad sisters came to our house and threw my mum loads out of the house.

My mum pleaded to come back into the suffering as my mum was always been beating in our presence frequently by my dad.

My mum left and my dads relative had oppurtunity to take over all what my dad and mum had built over the years. Eventually my dad became responsible for the payment of his siblings children school bill at the detriment of his childrens education.

*Me and my folks had to pick up sales girl and sales boy job to further our education with support from the tiny salary mummy was getting.

His business that was booming went into demurage ,he started begging from hand to mouth his sisters and brother abandonded him for that period,i was almost graduadting from school when this strange ailment came upon him, we took him from different hospital to another, Doctors took different tests but nothing was found in his body, we took him to three different churches and we were told that its a spiritual attack that was placed on him by one of his family members that asked for money from him but he didn't give.Fast

forwarded my Dad died 2months to my wedding day. My dad and mum had the best of marriage but trouble started when my dad was always labelling my mum as Evil to his siblings.The most painful thing is that all they laboured for got wiped away in there very eyes as my mum dare not talk where my aunties and uncles are simply because of the way my dad had spoken of her in there presence.

Hence i need help, I have been married for just 3yrs ,we have fought in our marriage but my husband had reported me to his friends and parents more than 3 times his friends call me to now find out what transpired between us.To me i feel so ridiculed as i sincerely hate people putting there mouth in my home affairs, except COUNSELLORS if need should be.

My husband had beaten me before without mentioning it to a single soul. But if its him he wont hesitate to feed his friend and siblings,The first time it happened we talked about it but it happened again 5 days ago,I love my Husband But i dont TRUST HIM AGAIN.I

felt Betrayed by my husband,i dont want what happened to my dad and mum to happen to me as this was the exact way there issues started way back then before it eventually resulted in divorce and then my father died mysteriously just two months to my day of joy.

Please no insult, Advise on how to resolve this is all i need.

*Note that i have been praying too*.constructive ideas,What are the consequences of Bringing Third parties into marriages, please share your experiences.

As hard as it may sound but I will try to simplify. Take some time off . flash back what made u fall in love with ur db n secondly have a personal relationship with God. Whatever it is God will resolve it

There are times I read women talk about men as if they are referring to a cruel senseless animals. Madam I think you have super imposed your past experience upon your own marriage. Also It seems you are selective in the advice you want to hear and you prefer those that see your husband as the problem. Have you ever for once considered; what if you are the problem in that marriage either spiritually or physically. Considering what you told us about your background, maybe your husband is just a victim in this your world? I am not saying this is definitely the case but if you really want solutions you will explore every angle of approach.
You need to emancipate yourself from your past or else you have just pressed video replay of your childhood. You have programed yourself to fight a non-existing battle you inherited from your mum. You also inherited her bitterness, unforgiveness, hatred, malice and pains, now it is affecting your marriage. Let go and let God ! He will heal you and heal your marriage !

mutter:
You are a wounded child and that is why the scars from your childhood are being reopened. But this man is not your father and you are not your mother. Marriage does not make anyone wiser or more mature overnight it is a process.
The first thing you need to do is give your husband a clean slate.You need to wipe out your parents story from his slate
The next thing you need to learn is not to take marriage so serious. Today the only reason people live together is becauuthey want to. If love and hamony is gone. What is left? CERTAINLY marriage is a divine contract and worth giving sacrifice for but it does not work out if you are so tied up and serious. Please learn to ignore some things and laugh over others it helps more than the most logical arguments. Men are like children when you pamper them and remain calm you get more results. When the atmosphere is tense call him or send him a message that you love him and can't wait for him to come home. Pet him when he is angry don't always try to iron things out.Sometimes it is better to laugh things out.or let them just fly over.nd even when angry and mad always show him respect and ask for forgiveness when you have wronged him.

Take this advice above seriously.... Play the fool, take everything easy, let ur submission be total, don't argue at any point, for some marriage to survive, someone will play d fool for a long time.... . Ask for forgiveness even if he wrongs u.... Life is perception, u keep seeing him as ur father and now acting like ur mum...

Job in the Bible said 'my worst fear has come upon me' don't keep on fearing about ur marriage collapsing... it may come upon u as u think it

You wrote very intelligently and I applaud you for seeking help. I will give you my practical assistance, I say practical because I am not a qualified counselor, it is suggestion predicated on mundane and every day things we see/hear. Before I do that, an important question to ask is whether you sought help from a professional counselor? Also, if you are a religious person, have you tried counseling from your pastor, priest, iman, etc. If not, speak with your husband and find out if he ia amiable to that idea. I will also ask you what triggers the arguments and fights. Does he drink/smoke hard drugs; who starts the arguments, under what circumstances, who escalates them. Do any of you try to deescalte the arguments? Can you think of any instance when you initiated the fights and why. Does any one of you humble himself/herself to aopologize for causing the fight or are you both doggedly entrenched in your view points. How long did you date before you married and was he like this during the courtship. Did you ever discuss your parents problems with him particularly how your dad abused your mother. Is this marriage a partnership or you practically dependent on him for everything from transport money to your toiletries etc. Do you have any child for him? Is he educated? All these and much more are important to know before anyone can give you a meaningful advise. Having said that, I strongly suggest you have serious talks with him - find out what makes him thick and firmly let him know you will not be a punching bag for him anymore. I suspect he knows about your parents problems, and how your mom was mistreated and is visiting same on you. I will not be surprised if one day he says to you, "like mother like daughter, useless people". If he ever says that to you, my suggestion is that you end the marriage because he will never respect you. I also suspect he believes (based on your attitude towards him, maybe showing you can't do without him, a bit of fear and too much love if you call that love), that he can get away with the abuse. He also knows you don't want to repeat the breakup of your parents and practically thinks he can get away with murder (literally). Until you begin to exert youself as a human being, am sorry, it will only get worst. Spousal abuse unfortunately, is a vicious circle, sometimes victims are made to believe they are the problems. Subsequently, they stay with the hope of making it work, blame themselves for causing all the problems and in the process, get abused more and more. It doesn't end until you brave it and walk away. If you have no child or not pregnant, anytime he attempts to lay his hands on you, stop him if you can, look him straight in the eyes (eye ball to eye ball), tell him, "don't even think of it from now on", and watch the sudden surge of fear in him. You will be surprised how quickly he will begin to respect you. If you don't exert yourself and make him stop hitting you, trust me, you will relieve your worst nightmare, which is what your mom went through, the dysfunctional family you experience as a child. Also, get someone he respects/listens to, tell the person to go and let him know that you said, "if he ever lays his hands on me again, this marriage is over". I believe the combination of the message and messenger may give him a rethink. Let him know you love him but not to the point of missery. Good luck.

goldenruby:
What as igbira, kabba and her name (Oyiza) got to do with the Op's plight?

@Op I have never been married or in the Ministry. But 1 thing I am certain about is I can Never CONTINUE to love a man that hits me!

It is just like saying your name is Adewale and you are from Owerri in Imo state. She has already lied or falsified her story, so probably not everything about her plight is true.

I dey laugh at all of you rendering advice to a cooked up story. How can her father who is a civil servant working in a ministry suddenly become a business man whose business crumbled. Mschteeeew. Next tales by moonlight jare

If your dad is from kabba and your mum is Idoma, you definately cannot be oyiza
! Pls next time check very well the ethnic group yu want to claim

If your dad is from kabba and your mum is Idoma, you definately cannot be oyiza
! Pls next time check very well the ethnic group yu want to claim !

Do u seek advice or u want ppl to share their own experience
Well, if its advice I wud say u shld start making plan B o my dear just in case that movie they call "things fall apart" happens to hit the BoxOffice again. Sometimes in life histories and events seems to have a way of reoccurring ooo so woman get ur house ready thou I don't wise that for u but in this present world that will live now marriage is becoming to look like boyfrnd and girlfrnd tins and divorce is just like breakup, its called westernization (oyinbo live) and like you knw we nigerians want to have the live of the white man so we should learn to accept what ever consequences that comes with it since we have neglected our african cultures and believes. We men are so resentful and when a man is doing sth wrong he never seems to believe he's wrong. U won't blame us but our ego and that stupid thing they call "head of the family" and "women must be submissive" maybe na him dey cos am
I don't think if u sit him down to talk with him he will listen, rather I'd advice u seek sb he respects and listens to very well its could be his friend, dad, or anybody u knw he takes his judgment and respect and make sure u narrate tins well to the person and state ur demands to the person so he will know how to talk with ur husband in a cool and fatherly way.
Note: birds of a feather flocks together and they can't criticize nor caution themselves appropriately. I hope u get that mgs very well.
What biz does a man who cheats on his wife ve to do preaching to his own frnd to stop same act?

My dear sister, on a more serious note its not easy to remain in marriage. Its either u play d role of a fool and peace reign or u play the role of a radio that keeps talking and responding to evry word that keeps the home burning.. Let me give u d trick I used anytime hubby provokes me or he is angry, I usually keep mute when is temper is high and pretends to be listening to him or I excuse my self to do some house chores while he keeps fuming. When I see that he is done fuming, I will begin to sing a gospel song which will either preach to him or calm my own nerves. Sing sorrowfully and meditatively too while doing ur chores and see God calming and melting his heart. Learn to sing to God all the time and u will c God bringing peace to your home. Forget abt ur parents episode, cos u r not ur parents and u can never b, resolve dat your case will b different from your parents own and so shall it b for u in Jesus name, amen. Peace my sister, peace of the lord rest upon ur home forever in Jesus name amen.
I hate divorce says the lord.

Let me advise u pray to God observe some fasting excercise call ur husband and tell him to show u ur faults ask for forgiveness and tell him u want to make the relationship stronger and so u both dont need a third party that u both can resolve any issue except it be a true man of God of whom God has directed u to after prayers. it is well with u.

Cutehector:
There is an association in d catholic church, its called justice dispute and peace smth smth, JDPC. They solve problems like this.... There members are mostly retired barristers or serving lawyers... So ask for this people in any catholic church, they will tell u whne they hold their meetins and u go there and inform them about ur matter... They will intervene...

It's Justice development and peace commission(JDPC) sir.

Joavid:


What exactly do you want to read madam


You witnessed what your mum suffered in the hands of your father and you still marry a man worse than your father?

Is it a generational curse or something?

And am sure you read threads on this forum so why did you open this thread? You feel like opening one or you enjoy being a victim?

Anyway, keep loving him as he damages your self worth, your self esteem, breaks your eye, cripples you or kills you


Or


Leave!!!


Ain't no body gat time for this same ol' stories

You sounded like one who can't confront issues for what they are.

God pls don't mk me treat my wife to be like this. If I ll do it,pls it's better you God don't mk me get married.I don't know wat to say Mrs oyiza, But pls try as much as possible not to get in his way.pls him as much as u can.Always put him in prayers too

tommysparks:
I dey laugh at all of you rendering advice to a cooked up story. How can her father who is a civil servant working in a ministry suddenly become a business man whose business crumbled. Mschteeeew. Next tales by moonlight jare

So someone that is a civil servant cannot have a supermarket, a dry cleaning business etc.

Being a civil servant I guess might be where the main bulk of money is coming from. While the other is what he can fall back on when the going gets tough. People do that.

you don't really expected her to mention every boring details that doesn't count one by one? That is why in literature in English you read between the lines. Maybe you didn't do the subject in secondary school.

Wow

If He can't give you the happiness you dream he would give you, leave. This is not a matter of what you did to provoke him or sorts. Any man that lay hands on a woman deserve sadness and sadness only. I'm not saying you are right or wrong, I'm just saying there's no reason a man should hit a woman. Leave and I promise you, you'll find better happiness in the near future.

Joavid:


What exactly do you want to read madam


You witnessed what your mum suffered in the hands of your father and you still marry a man worse than your father?

Is it a generational curse or something?

And am sure you read threads on this forum so why did you open this thread? You feel like opening one or you enjoy being a victim?

Anyway, keep loving him as he damages your self worth, your self esteem, breaks your eye, cripples you or kills you


Or


Leave!!!


Ain't no body gat time for this same ol' stories

You are a female and you are still talking like this,said she married someone worse than her father,like she was supposed to know he will turn to a wife beater,asked whether its a generational curse,that's insensitive and harsh coming from a supposed female.If you married and things are good between you guys,you think its because you are smart? or its by your power, you think those divorce stories and stories of couples stabbing each other,pouring acid on each other etc,you think they started like that? you think there wasnt a time when the man was like the sweetest thing that happened to the woman vice-versa.If you are not married then i pray that your case wont be worse!!! are you sure you didnt hurt that poor lady's feelings."Ain't no body gat time for this same ol' stories" who asked for your time.All these children who havent seen life,i pity you.

My dear oyiza,

you have to be very strong, being married takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice on both parties involved and it is not a days job.

this whole experience of yours is part of the (settling process). I termed it so because this period of your marriage is a time where you both get to know eachother and understand each other better. you get to settle into married life. i promise you it will get better with time if you try hard to pray for your husband and satisfy his needs as much as you can.

I have no respect for men who hit their wives but if you try your best to be calm when he flares up and sure you will avoid him hitting you a great deal. as for his childish attitude of reporting you to his friends, be they married or not, he has no idea that an outsider is skilled at arranging another man's private affairs. they are the ones that believe they are best suited to controlling and dictating how another mans home should be run. i wouldnt even be suprised to find out that he hit you from the advice he got from his friends.

i pray you to find time alone with your husband, you are his wife you must know how to get to his softest spot and when you have got him there, appeal to his conscience in your softest bedroom voice, that it will please you a great deal if he can stop taking your affairs outside your home, you can explain the resultant severity of the same actions taken by your father in the past. this will jolt him to reality am sure.

Above all i want you to remember the man you married, the qualities he had that made you choose him and get rid of all resentments.

i wish you the best dear

DDeliverer:
AUNTY, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOME TRUTHS...........I KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE THEM BUT IT IS THE TRUTH..

1. YOUR HUSBAND WILL BEAT YOU SOME MORE AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
2. HE WILL KEEP TELLING HIS FRIENDS ABOUT EVERY 'SILLY' MISTAKE OF YOURS AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
3.YOU WILL KEEP CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE THE VICTIM AND THE GOOD WIFE AND THERE IS NOTHING NLDERS CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

DOES YOU HUBBY COME HOME AND START INSULTING YOU WITHOUT YOU PROMPTING HIM TO?
SOMEHOW YOU CLEVERLY OMITTED THE THINGS YOU DO THAT MAKES HIM ANGRY, TRYING TO PLAY THE VICTIM...WHY?

BEHAVE RIGHT! IF HE WANTS ANYTHING GIVE HIM...BE SUBMISSIVE! COOK GOOD FOOD! MAKE HIM HAPPY!
......AND I PROMISE YOU EXCEPT HE IS MAD, HE WILL SING YOUR PRAISE TO ALL HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS.

Use your brain please. If he has a problem with her cooking or something else, why can't he just say so instead of beating the crap out of her? Are you trying to justify domestic abuse?