STOP HER IMMEDIATELY... then monitor her secret moves...

RoyalRoy:



What you don't want, don't tolerate it.

You do not need out views to take a firm stand.
Since you feel she has taken the liberty and freedom to another level, put a stop to it right now.


"It doesn't take much to make a woman stray, it takes much more to keep her in line".

LOLS!

Humans are different from machines you press delete and the information is gone

Only one person can stop the lady.... she herself.

Mindfulness:
They should have discussed such issues before they married.
I do not believe in prohibition. Nothing good can come out of forced freedom restrictions. Whatever you do in your marriage should be agreed upon and not by force.

Haven't I said you know nothing about marriage and aren't interested in it? I have to add to that, that you proffer the absolutely atrocious relationship advice

Please tell us about the relationship you had/are having with someone already partnered. Don't come here to lie 0! It was always evident !


TV

TV01:


@Bukatyne & LordReed - as for "giving liberty", I feel that's exactly right, such relationships should be avoided at all cost and where they exist innocently, the other spouse should be aware and comfortable with it.


TV

The giving of liberty was referring to the use of social media not to the friendship. And even if it was referring to the friendship unless you married an immature person I believe an adult should have the ability to determine and set appropriate boundaries and so should not require tacit approval for friendships of this sort. If as a spouse you see that something inappropriate is going on then you should speak up but requiring approval either means one is immature and/or the other is overbearing.

Get A LIFE!
Poor woman!
Another "Clara Chime" in the making.
When you get married to a NIGERIAN MAN, get ready to live a LIFE SENTENCE WITH HARD LABOR!

LordReed:
The giving of liberty was referring to the use of social media not to the friendship. And even if it was referring to the friendship unless you married an immature person I believe an adult should have the ability to determine and set appropriate boundaries and so should not require tacit approval for friendships of this sort. If as a spouse you see that something inappropriate is going on then you should speak up but requiring approval either means one is immature and/or the other is overbearing.

...he said "liberty", not "approval". And I take your point about social media. But as you said "even if" - if a spouse considers a relationship to be innapropriate, they have a right to question it and possibly request their other half end it. Although I suggested the possibility of immaturity in my response, immaturity is not the only reason a relationship of this type may be deemed innapropriate or get out of hand.


TV

goldfishsk:

Later he started to sent 'Hi', 'How r u' etc in Whatsapp and facebook and she used to show me and reply with my permission. I took this as a good friendship and did not noticed much about it. In recent one month somehow I started checking the messages. The messages were normal and nothing sounds different.

TV01:

...he said "liberty", not "approval". And I take your point about social media. But as you said "even if" - if a spouse considers a relationship to be innapropriate, they have a right to question it and possibly request their other half end it. Although I suggested the possibility of immaturity in my response, immaturity is not the only reason a relationship of this type may be deemed innapropriate or get out of hand.
TV

Unless "my permission" means something other than my approval then I believe I am correct.

LordReed:
Unless "my permission" means something other than my approval then I believe I am correct.

...I take your point if you are aggregating all the posts. I read liberty as freedom - "regards & on social media". The permission referred to above was the "specific relationship" with this guy. There is nothing wrong with him being aware of, and okaying it if he is comfortable. That's consonant with my original post. However, he is no longer comfortable, and has every right as a spouse to voice his concerns and request...


TV

TV01:

Haven't I said you know nothing about marriage and aren't interested in it? I have to add to that, that you proffer the absolutely atrocious relationship advice

You know so much that you avoided a matter-of-fact discussion as usual.

Please tell us about the relationship you had/are having with someone already partnered. Don't come here to lie 0! It was always evident !


TV

The one with your wife? You better ask her.

Mindfulness:
You know so much that you avoided a matter-of-fact discussion as usual.

At all. Your post was so plainly dumb - and there is simply no other word that does it justice - that I didn't feel the need to discuss - but out of the kindness of my heart, I'll explain .

Mindfulness:

If the husband is ok with it, I see no problem.
They should have discussed such issues before they married.
I do not believe in prohibition. Nothing good can come out of forced freedom restrictions. Whatever you do in your marriage should be agreed upon and not by force.

Marriage has a number of particulars, one of these is consent, another is exclusivity. If one doesn't agree or desire that fine, marriage they say "is not by force" - but marriage is what it is. The freedom restrictions as termed, are not "forced", they are understood and voluntarily entered into when one agrees to marry.

If agreement means contravening the essence of marriage,, then it is in a sense void - not actually a marriage. And your insinuation is that marriage is simply what the couple choose it to be. No, it's by definition, and it's what they choose it to be within that definition.

Again, you know nothing of marriage, give lousy relationship advice and are an inveterate troll.

Mindfulness:
The one with your wife? You better ask her.

How easily exposed they are. What happened to the kumbaya singing champion of harmony and pursuer of peace ! Now you've been rumbled you've come out fangs bared. You are a transgressor.


TV

OP it's perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable with such friendships especially if the other person is not your personal friend too.
Just let her know you're not fine with it. Also in your approach remember you're talking to an adult too because tone matters a lot in how the addressee receives the message.
So far you've painted her to be reasonable so there's no reason why she won't want to oblige you.
Set good examples too by being open and upfront about your personal messages and friendships as you require of her. Not only will you teach her how to treat you by the way you treat her, it will help encourage her to draw back in time before she crosses any lines.

Goodluck.

Talking from a married woman point of view, I will advice you talk well to your wife and be firm about her discontinuing the friendship with the guy. She can fall prey to him because we ladies are moved by what we hear, the moment the guy start telling her sweet naughties , hmmmmm, just be firm. What is the benefit of the friendship? She can av male friends but there should be limit . Ask her if she will be comfortable with a babe showing you the kind of attention the guy is giving her and also pray strongly about it . The devil is out there to destroy homes cos he knows that is where role models are raised.

TV01:

At all. Your post was so plainly dumb - and there is simply no other word that does it justice - that I didn't feel the need to discuss - but out of the kindness of my heart, I'll explain .


Marriage has a number of particulars, one of these is consent, another is exclusivity. If one doesn't agree or desire that fine, marriage they say "is not by force" - but marriage is what it is. The freedom restrictions as termed, are not "forced", they are understood and voluntarily entered into when one agrees to marry.

If agreement means contravening the essence of marriage,, then it is in a sense void - not actually a marriage. And your insinuation is that marriage is simply what the couple choose it to be. No, it's by definition, and it's what they choose it to be within that definition.

Again, you know nothing of marriage, give lousy relationship advice and are an inveterate troll.

I wasn't talking about this post. You avoided talking about the history of marriage and we both know why. Are you ready now?

How easily exposed they are. What happened to the kumbaya singing champion of harmony and pursuer of peace ! Now you've been rumbled you've come out fangs bared. You are a transgressor.


TV

EXACTLY and EXTREMELY HAPPY. No regrets.

Swissheart:
It is wrong to keep close friendship with an opposite sex after marriage....not like they have bn friends before marriage.She spoke negatively of d guy before but now,he is an angel......Your wife seems to me as a good woman.Stop d friendship.....you should be her best friend and you shouldn't have to worry over her other friends if things were right.Talk to her,let her understand that she is married and she should place her worth as one.Why would she be showing you the SMS self?why would she tell you to check her phone......doesn't sound good to me.

Showing him the messages is a pure diversionary measure to get the hubby off their case.

The truth of this matter is, such relationship most often never ends well. Men are a very patient breed when they have a target. He is most likely baiting your wife. Unfortunately, your wife is already emotionally involved with this guy, she's gonna go discrete on you if and when you put you foot down and demand a stop to it.

You need a different approach. Start all over to love her in a different way. Keep her busy thinking about you. Take her out more, love her more, more s#x and so on. The guys matter will fade away faster than the smell of a cheap perfume.

BluStreak:


Showing him the messages is a pure diversionary measure to get the hubby off their case.

The truth of this matter is, such relationship most often never ends well. Men are a very patient breed when they have a target. He is most likely baiting your wife. Unfortunately, your wife is already emotionally involved with this guy, she's gonna go discrete on you if and when you put you foot down and demand a stop to it.

You need a different approach. Start all over to love her in a different way. Keep her busy thinking about you. Take her out more, love her more, more s#x and so on. The guys matter will fade away faster than the smell of a cheap perfume.

Hehehehehe so men also give and get this kind of advice good to know. Fair points though

@onegai - have you seen this

LordReed:


The giving of liberty was referring to the use of social media not to the friendship. And even if it was referring to the friendship unless you married an immature person I believe an adult should have the ability to determine and set appropriate boundaries and so should not require tacit approval for friendships of this sort. If as a spouse you see that something inappropriate is going on then you should speak up but requiring approval either means one is immature and/or the other is overbearing.

Thanks, you saved me typing.

Although IMHO, I still do not understand the Concord between the OP' s wife and the guy considering the fact she said he was a questionable character earlier.

Kimoni:



Hehehehehe so men also give and get this kind of advice good to know. Fair points though

@onegai - have you seen this

I saw nothing because a pig flew across the sky as I read it

OK, only one poster here has given you great advice: Madam Tearoses.

Turn all friendships into family friends. The reason you should have a problem with this guy is not because he's a guy, but because of the TYPE of guy he is (an ashawo). Do what she says and you start wearing "red pant and black bra" i.e. loving up your woman emotionally. If you want to do "StrongMan" and command abi na instruct her to cut ties, guess what, that guy is also a Naija man. Which means he knows you're go in to command her and like a good playa, will subtly manipulate her once you do (because according to your wife, he's slept with other married women so he definitely knows how to turn their husbands' words around).

Love her up and sweetly tell her you'd be more comfortable if she reduced her convo with this guy. Love her up first! (gifts, petting, kisses, compliments). I've seen "StrongMan" tactics fail twice in this situation in my family and the only time the wife didn't stray was because her hubby loved her up and removed the threat.

Onegai:

I saw nothing because a pig flew across the sky as I read it

yeye woman. How's baby E?

I think I should have called Phema too actually.

Sup Phema, did you see that advice from blustreak? From a man to a fellow man?

bukatyne:


Thanks, you saved me typing.

Although IMHO, I still do not understand the Concord between the OP' s wife and the guy considering the fact she said he was a questionable character earlier.

I actually feel the wife was being hypocritical when she made the initial comments as evidenced by her now craving the attention of the previously vilified colleague. Someone you do not desire their attention you don't add to your social media networks. And she actually vilified him for talking to another married colleague so what made her change her mind? The husband is should very make sure this communication ends, the woman needs to get her head screwed on straight.

madam onegai . . . .pronounced madam One guy

You are right. This needs to be addressed.
Women are emotional beings and some will give the Mr sweet talker audience especially when there are gaps at home or thy are lacking attention.
Some men know this and they take advantage of the situation
Some men are also very good at hiding their motives. They start off very slow and seem very innocent before ramping it up.
I heard a story where a friendship with the opposite sex turned into explicit sex chats in the middle of the night . . .makes you wonder about where and how it all started.

The hubby cant force her to stop communicating with the man and she will only stop if she really wants to.
He needs to have a conversation with his wife and close down all loop holes first other wise he is just keeping the door open for the next random male friend

He knows his wife's likes and buttons better than anyone else and he needs to tap into that and satisfy her emotional needs or she will always be susceptible to a sugar coated tongue.
Many married women cheat for emotional reasons. Google told me

Kimoni:


yeye woman. How's baby E?

She's fine. We, her parents, are not


How una side?

I disagree. Men and women can be friends without having any sexual connotation. And yes it helps when your partners/spouse become friends with the person too. However if the friendship is based on love of something the spouse doesn't share then it may be tough

@ goldfishsk this is not an ultimatum situation, she is your wife and should be your friend. So please sit her down and voice your concerns about the motives of the guy in question. Only she can make the choice to break it off or not. also she may not need to totally break it off, just reduce frequency and direction of conversation. If you make it an ultimatum, you stand to loose her trust and intimacy, One day you will wake up and realize your wife doesn't tell you anything again and you will wonder why.

Everyone here is making it seem as if your wife has already cheated or is planning to, or like the guy has ulterior motive and this is because it is easier to think the negative than make excuses for people. If you go their houses, their spouses/partners are friends with the opposite sex and they are not complaining. you know your wife and how your relationship stands, you guys need to fix it and then simple messages like "how far" won't bother you

Mindfulness:
I wasn't talking about this post. You avoided talking about the history of marriage and we both know why. Are you ready now?

I have seen ample evidence that you are only intent on pressing for your own desires - the old "do as thy will" commandment. You willfully misrepresent both marriage and love to that end.

If you have anything to say about marriage, say on, if I see anything worth responding to, I may choose to do so - or not .

Mindfulness:
EXACTLY and EXTREMELY HAPPY. No regrets.

You will reap what you sow.


TV

goldfishsk:
I had given my wife all the liberty to use facebook, whatsapp and other internet applications. She is not a regular user of these applications. One of her co worker(married with one kid) whom she had a bad remark, like he is always chatting with some other lady who is also married. She had a negative remark of this person. After few months this guy turn to be in her friend circle and occasionally she used to tell me details which sounds different from earlier comments and sound good about that guy.

Later he started to sent 'Hi', 'How r u' etc in Whatsapp and facebook and she used to show me and reply with my permission. I took this as a good friendship and did not noticed much about it. In recent one month somehow I started checking the messages. The messages were normal and nothing sounds different.

He got another job and maintained this friendship. What surprised me us in addition to messages in facebook or whatsapp, they communicate also in SMS but content is very decent. The count of communication has increased and now a days she dont tell or show his messages may be she might be thinking that I am convinced of their friendship.

My wife basically hesitate to send messages if I ask to send details of any things to buy from shop and also was very cautious of not wasting money by SMS. But now she replies to all his SMS and not bothered about cost.

Few days back I openely discussed this with her and she told you can check our messages any time and there is nothing of bad nature. Also she said since I dont like this she will stop sending messages. infact he used to send messages between night 9.30 to 11. Since I objected she messaged him in front of me that not to send messages as I dont like that.

what worrying me is whether this communication continues and if the messages are deleted I wont come to know.

So far both of them have not dealt in a wrong way. Reading above what do you feel whether this is a good relation or shall I put constraints on it. Also how will I bring back my wife from this relation though it is not crossed boundaries so far

This woman has been nothing but respectful of your wishes which further constraints do you want to put on her? she has told him to stop messaging her what else would you like her to do to prove her loyalty. You already monitor her chats and internet activities makes me wonder about the age difference between you two but then again she could be a world class beauty.

You ask how will you bring your wife from this relation again which relation? she already told the guy to stop messaging her you even know for a fact that no boundary has been crossed so why do you want to fix what is not broken? Looks like you plan to check her phone every now and then do you hope to catch her since you worry the messages may have been deleted?

Has something happened before that is making you to distrust her or is there something you do that makes you distrust her. I feel you should fix your trust issues.

fphumie:
Talking from a married woman point of view, I will advice you talk well to your wife and be firm about her discontinuing the friendship with the guy. She can fall prey to him because we ladies are moved by what we hear, the moment the guy start telling her sweet naughties, hmmmmm, just be firm. What is the benefit of the friendship? She can av male friends but there should be limit . Ask her if she will be comfortable with a babe showing you the kind of attention the guy is giving her and also pray strongly about it . The devil is out there to destroy homes cos he knows that is where role models are raised.

never knew married women can be so gullible! thanks for this vital information.

Should this O.P not be wondering why his WIFE prefers to cultivate online/social media FRIENDSHIPS with another MAN rather than HIM? Does he not also use social media? Is there a poor level of communication in their marriage? Boredom? Sex issues?

Men be warned, don't always blame the player or in this case the culprit whom may be or whom you suspect may be chasing your girl/wife, SHE has definitely given him a REASON to! O.p go and talk to your WIFE! Bone that MAN and go and discover the "real reasons" behind her need for his attention!!!

funlord:

Should this O.P not be wondering why his WIFE prefers to cultivate online/social media FRIENDSHIPS with another MAN rather than HIM? Does he not also use social media? Is there a poor level of communication in their marriage? Boredom? Sex issues?

the third party is a great conversationalist. some men are just suave when it comes to clocking people's wives on social media. i don't blame these men, i blame the gullible wives.

Men be warned, don't always blame the player or in this case the culprit whom may be or whom you suspect may be chasing your girl/wife, SHE has definitely given him a REASON to! O.p go and talk to your WIFE! Bone that MAN and go and discover the "real reasons" behind her need for his attention!!!

only a foolish man would blame the other man. if the wife didn't give strangers the long rope, they won't be lurking around facebook looking for impressionable women to slaughter. the OP should take heart and find a chat buddy for himself.

TV01:

I have seen ample evidence that you are only intent on pressing for your own desires - the old "do as thy will" commandment. You willfully misrepresent both marriage and love to that end.

If you have anything to say about marriage, say on, if I see anything worth responding to, I may choose to do so - or not .

You have already made your choice to avoid the topic as best as you can because you knew that you could only lose it.

You will reap what you sow.


TV

This is what I love about life.

Mindfulness:
You have already made your choice to avoid the topic as best as you can because you knew that you could only lose it.

Avoid the topic? Marriage is all I talk about. If you have anything to posit or interesting to share, by all means do. As for "lose it" - that's always a probability - just not against you

Mindfulness:
This is what I love about life.

...then best consider your ways as you approach the first and second deaths


TV

TV01:

Avoid the topic? Marriage is all I talk about. If you have anything to posit or interesting to share, by all means do. As for "lose it" - that's always a probability - just not against you

I saw you on the STEM thread where you are still claiming that men are better at math contrary to all research on the topic.

Come on now TV, as a self-proclaimed expert on marriage it should be easy for you to educate me on the history and purpose of marriage and how divorce was never a part of it.

...then best consider your ways as you approach the first and second deaths

I am an eternal being, I don't know what death is.

Mindfulness:
contrary to all research on the topic.

Mindfulness:
Come on now TV, as a self-proclaimed expert on marriage it should be easy for you to educate me on the history and purpose of marriage and how divorce was never a part of it.

"Self-proclaimed" advocate. But now you mention it, I suppose I am quite expert . Again, if you want to engage and set the ball rolling, please do so. If you post anything I deem worth responding to, I may.

Mindfulness:
I am an eternal being, I don't know what death is.

...yet.


TV

TV01:




"Self-proclaimed" advocate. But now you mention it, I suppose I am quite expert . Again, if you want to engage and set the ball rolling, please do so. If you post anything I deem worth responding to, I may.


...yet.


TV

I am neither a self-proclaimed advocate nor expert so I am asking the advocate and expert to educate me on the history of marriage and how divorce was never part of it. You are such a perfect role model for Christianity, you won't deny a request, will you?

Let me help you, divorce has ALWAYS been an option in the history of marriage and exclusivity is tied to the Christian doctrine but not universal to all cultures.






Bukatyne, go a few pages back and have a look at all the research cited there that disproves all the sentimental statements made on this thread, especially with regard to females and math.

I wanted to take the topic further and show how some initiatives narrowed the gender gap in several fields and subjects but someone ran away.