EfemenaXY:
Nice, insightful piece @op.

It would be equally interesting to read about the Nigerian woman married to a non-Nigerian man.

Do you have a similar analysis to share on here?

Sagamite: what's your perspective on this? Do you think there's something the Caucasian women do & get right that their Nigerian counterparts are missing / not doing?

armyofone:
@Sagamite

Ummmm well alright. But hope you won't expect her to wear lingerie or something sexy to bed.

armyofone:

With all you wrote, your marriage to AA or white lady won't last long. You will end up paying the alimony you so loathe .

ronald4lif:
Hmmm, interesting piece.

I can confirm, albeit regrettably, that I'm guilty of some this cold-hearted disposition when in an amorous affair with a Nigerian and when with non-Nigerians.

Why I act the way I do is something I can't tell exactly but I think it has been firmly established and subconsciously intrinsic in my blood, apparently due to my upbringing and environmental influence.

A Camerounian aphorism would say every tumbu (tape worm) get e own palm tree wey e dey enter. Nigerians would say shoe get size. What this roughly means is that, people are cognizant of the fact that it's not everyone they can treat with utter dismay and not everyone can entertain their unscrupulous attitude, so they treat different individuals based on their fundamental scruples and standards.

Women are usually responsible for the way they're being treated. From the inception of an affair before it even get to marriage a woman should be firm with her principles and never condone any attitude they think goes against her boundaries.

Like the writer succinctly wrote, women in the western world have strong regards for themselves, believes in fair play and they won't bend their rules for anything. Men on their part have realised this fact and would abide by these rules as they're aware their ass would be kicked out faster than the speed of light should they misbehave.

While I'm not advocating for divorce, divorce isn't entirely bad like the Nigerian society portrays. Women (and men too) shouldn't eat sh1t coz they want to stay married against all odds and shouldn't bother about what people would say. 'Jobless' people will always talk whether you're married infinitely or not, they must have something to keep their sad lives entertained.

ronald4lif:
Hmmm, interesting piece.

I can confirm, albeit regrettably, that I'm guilty of some this cold-hearted disposition when in an amorous affair with a Nigerian and when with non-Nigerians.

Why I act the way I do is something I can't tell exactly but I think it has been firmly established and subconsciously intrinsic in my blood, apparently due to my upbringing and environmental influence.

A Camerounian aphorism would say every tumbu (tape worm) get e own palm tree wey e dey enter. Nigerians would say shoe get size. What this roughly means is that, people are cognizant of the fact that it's not everyone they can treat with utter dismay and not everyone can entertain their unscrupulous attitude, so they treat different individuals based on their fundamental scruples and standards.

Women are usually responsible for the way they're being treated. From the inception of an affair before it even get to marriage a woman should be firm with her principles and never condone any attitude they think goes against her boundaries.

Like the writer succinctly wrote, women in the western world have strong regards for themselves, believes in fair play and they won't bend their rules for anything. Men on their part have realised this fact and would abide by these rules as they're aware their ass would be kicked out faster than the speed of light should they misbehave.

While I'm not advocating for divorce, divorce isn't entirely bad like the Nigerian society portrays. Women (and men too) shouldn't eat sh1t coz they want to stay married against all odds and shouldn't bother about what people would say. 'Jobless' people will always talk whether you're married infinitely or not, they must have something to keep their sad lives entertained.

bennyrazz:
" but with the foreign wives, their balls shrink! Such men live by schedule." - This part of the article got me laughing out loud. If you want Nigerian men to start treating Nigerian women the way they treat their foreign white skinned wives, then I think you need to take a cue from our oyinbo wives. You need to learn what they are doing Right.

If Nigerian women don't give it all, Nigerian men would go extinct for Nigerian women to marry except you want to be his play toy.


Another factor is in Nigeria, marriage is considered to some extent has being between two families rather than the norm in Western countries which is between two people. You are trying to carry the baggage of your immediate family as a Nigerian man, you are also thinking about your in laws who thinks, you are making big money
in America. So marrying a white woman cuts off those links. That's what I think and that's what I know, I would have written more deep deep about Nigerian marriages/weddings from a different perspective for you to understand somethings but let's leave it here for now.




...

TooNoisy:
OP, you are now wondering why Nigerian men whom you all despise and insult are happily settling down with foreign ladies?

Truth is that Nigerian women need to "up their game". When you realise that men are not ATM machines and you are ready to contribute to the well-being of the family beyond giving sex and food; then you would be more valuable to men all over.

You have so contradicted yourself in this write-up. Writing about how horrible Nigerian men and how great Nigerian women are; but these horrible Nigerian men are now settling for White females whom you even presume have higher demands than Nigerian women?

Why don't you leave Nigerian men alone with their white wives. After all, you claim you folks have a lot more to offer than white girls; yet an increasing number of Nigerian men are going for white women. The men must either be stupid or they value different things from what you guys have to offer - which is sex and food!

Vivalavida99:
Saw this on a friends wall and i feel i should share.


Increasingly, and in greater numbers, Nigerian men are marrying non-Nigerian women. In droves, they are marrying Caribbean nationals,

White-Americans and African-Americans. They are marrying, not for the primarily purpose of acquiring “greencard,” but for other noble
reasons. They marry, not for the curiosity, but because they are bonded and are determined to make a success of the marriage institution;
they are bonded by love and faith and a commitment to one another to live their lives as one in a happy matrimony.

The more I notice this phenomenon, the more I wonder about some Nigerian men. I wonder. Culturally, Nigerian men are overbearing,
controlling, and paternalistic. They relate to their fathers and mothers differently. They believe it is “a man’s world” and so they have the tendency to relegate women to subservient roles.

True, things are changing. True globalization and modernity and westernization are impacting the Nigerian culture. In cities across Nigeria, these changes are noticeable; but over all, the effects of these changes are minimal.

A Nigerian may be well read, well educated and well traveled, in the end though, he will succumb to the weight and influence of the Nigerian culture.

We have a society where anthropological and sociological behaviors are still paramount. For instance, a great many Nigerians still practice
levirate and sororate marriage, and they also engage in polygyny, bridewealth, and matrilocal and patrilocal living arrangements. And in spite of westernization, Nigerians are still not comfortable with public display of affection, i.e. kissing and verbal declaration of love; and neither are they comfortable with open and public discussions of abortion, sex and exotic sex acts.

That Nigerians are not comfortable with such public declarations and have not completely embraced westernization is due, to a large extent, on the hold the traditional African culture has on the vast majority of the populace. At the core of every Nigerian, and indeed every African, is the thumbprint, the umbilical cord of their ancestors.
This non-public declaration and display of love and affection is not unique to Nigerians living in Nigeria. No! The vast majority of Nigerians
living in the United States are loath to engage in such practices, too. Furthermore, most Nigerians do not engage in endearing practices like candlelight dinners, flower giving, romantic walk by the lake or park, or even running the bath for their wives or lovers.

It would surprise most westerners to know that a typical Nigerian father or mother would rarely, if ever, utter affectionate or confidence-building words like “I love you…” to their children; yet, the children have no doubt that their parents love them. Children are the crowing glory of any respectable Nigerian family.

Haven digressed a bit, I return to the issue of Nigerian men and their foreign wives. I am stunned, perplexed, taken aback by the
transformation Nigerian men, married to non-Nigerian women, have gone through in the United States (and perhaps all over the Western world). My goodness, here are a group of macho men, fiercely independent, with a burgeoning sense of entitlement who thinks the world belongs to them; and that women are made to be at their beck-and-call. Here they are; they have suddenly or gradually gone soft and sensitive and romantic and wide-eyed. How did these groups of men become “oh baby, oh baby” kind of guys? How did they become “yes honey, yes sweetheart, yes darling” kind of fellas? What has happened to them? What got to their hearts and soul?

How were they able to adjust to living under a different set of rules and matrimonial conventions? How is it that a breed of men married to

their fellow countrywomen would behave in a given and predictable manner; but then adjust to a different matrimonial lifestyle when married to foreigners? When they are with the Nigerian women, these men are all about control and power and they expect their wives to cook and clean and raise babies and provide sex on demand; but with the foreign wives, their balls shrink! Such men live by schedule.

They have daily and weekly schedule of when to do the laundry and the dishes; of whose turn it is to empty the thrash; and of whose turn it is to sweep and mop the floor; and of when to eat out and cook at home.

These men — especially if married to White women — feel lucky and grateful and mightily blessed. These men meet and exceed all
matrimonial expectations; but would rubbish and dominate their Nigerian women. What is it about a White woman that makes the Nigerian
male lose his senses? Could it be because of their skin color and their supposed sensuality and submissive attitude in bed? Could it be because they engage in all kinds of mind-altering sexual acts that, understandably, the Nigerian woman would NOT engage in? Or perhaps it has to do with the warped mentality of some Nigerian men who thinks everything white is good and desirable and so must be had!

Why are Nigerian men afraid to turn control over to their Nigerian wives? Why are they averse to showing their sensitive side? Why the need to control and dominate? Why are Nigerian men reluctant to take their wives on a romantic walk to the parks and beaches, buy roses and cards? Why the need to bottle up their romantic side? Why have they refused to do for their Nigerian wives what they would heartily do for non-Nigerian women? After all, Nigerian women, unlike their foreign counterparts usually do not demand to be co-captains of the house.

They usually do not demand for more than is earthly possible. And way more than their foreign counterparts they understand what it means to be a wife and a partner; they understand what it means to be part of the extended family.

When it comes to matters of life, love and death, Nigerian women have stood by their husbands. They are there during the passing of their in-laws; they give succor in times of crisis. These women understand what the African family is all about.

But not much can be said about non-Nigerian wives who may not even find it necessary to visit or attend marriage or burial ceremonies in their husbands’ ancestral homes.
For non-Nigerian wives, life begins and ends in American. For these women, marriage is not about marrying into another family; it is about
“us and us alone.” And in fact, they would rather you not bother them with stories about your extended families and the need for the monthly or quarterly remittances.

Yes, some of us can’t help with whom we fall in love; but to the extent that one can, I would rather a Nigerian. A Nigerian woman is not likely to throw you out of your home; she is not likely to call the cops on you based on flimsy reasons; she is not likely to drag you through the judicial system; she is not likely to throw the divorce papers at you at the slightest provocation; she is not likely to turn her backs at you in times of financial difficulties and other crises.

In order words: Nigerian women are likely to stay and be loving and generous and supportive for the long haul! Again and again and again, they have proven that of all God’s creations, they are the very best.

And indeed, they are!

TooNoisy:
OP, you are now wondering why Nigerian men whom you all despise and insult are happily settling down with foreign ladies?

Truth is that Nigerian women need to "up their game". When you realise that men are not ATM machines and you are ready to contribute to the well-being of the family beyond giving sex and food; then you would be more valuable to men all over.

You have so contradicted yourself in this write-up. Writing about how horrible Nigerian men and how great Nigerian women are; but these horrible Nigerian men are now settling for White females whom you even presume have higher demands than Nigerian women?

Why don't you leave Nigerian men alone with their white wives. After all, you claim you folks have a lot more to offer than white girls; yet an increasing number of Nigerian men are going for white women. The men must either be stupid or they value different things from what you guys have to offer - which is sex and food!

ronald4lif:


[size=18pt]Women are usually responsible for the way they're being treated. From the inception of an affair before it even get to marriage a woman should be firm with her principles and never condone any attitude they think goes against her boundaries. [/size]

Sh0llypopz:
Like I always say, men treat you the way you allow them treat you. Nigerian women grew up in a society where there were little to no laws protecting women.
They were raised to coddle men, cope with their husband's excesses and never demand respect from the opposite sex.

These are some of the things the oyinbo women have that an average Nigerian woman doesn't:
1.) She looks at divorce as an option.
2.) She knows that if her husband cheats, she can leave him knowing that he would still be responsible for taking care of her and the children.
3.) They grew up in a society where parents and people were encouraged to verbally express their love. How many Nigerian parents tell their children they love them. A lot of Nigerian women didn't grow up with constant affirmation from their parents, so they do not think it's weird that their husbands haven't said "I love you" for a year.
4.) White Privilege.

Sh0llypopz:
@Vivalavida99, self-hate also plays a part. BTW, I don't think the number of Nigerian men married to white women is noteworthy. A lot of Nigerian men in diaspora still keep it African because they know only African women will tolerate their rubbish.

[b]shymm3x

bennyrazz:
" but with the foreign wives, their balls shrink! Such men live by schedule." - This part of the article got me laughing out loud. If you want Nigerian men to start treating Nigerian women the way they treat their foreign white skinned wives, then I think you need to take a cue from our oyinbo wives. You need to learn what they are doing Right.

If Nigerian women don't give it all, Nigerian men would go extinct for Nigerian women to marry except you want to be his play toy.


Another factor is in Nigeria, marriage is considered to some extent has being between two families rather than the norm in Western countries which is between two people. You are trying to carry the baggage of your immediate family as a Nigerian man, you are also thinking about your in laws who thinks, you are making big money
in America. So marrying a white woman cuts off those links. That's what I think and that's what I know, I would have written more deep deep about Nigerian marriages/weddings from a different perspective for you to understand somethings but let's leave it here for now.

...

Shymm3x:


I don’t know but I think the OP is just exaggerating from the outside looking in. From the soliloquy she posted, you can deduce that whatever observations she made was never done with an open mind. And that’s evident in the stereotypical tripe she posited about Nigerian men being “overbearing,
controlling, and paternalistic”. When making observations – you have to do it with an open mind, devoid of bitterness and unnecessary assumptions. I can say all Nigerian chics are utterly disrespectful and they don’t know how to talk/act, hence anyone dealing with them would’ve to firmly demand respect – to get it. But if I were to use that premise as the background to study the interactions/relationships between Nigerian women and non-Nigerian men – would I be able to get a perfect picture?

Yes, there are Nigerian men who’re “overbearing, controlling, and paternalistic”. However, all Nigerian men aren’t the same. Background, experience(s), environment, beliefs et al play significant roles in the way people interact with other people. Just cos everyone with a particular nationality falls under the “Nigerian men” umbrella/tag – that doesn’t mean everyone’s the same. People naturally treat other people the way the treated by returning the energy they receive. That’s the subconscious effect of action and reaction. And in some cases, it’s about treating people how they want to be treated – but it has to be reciprocal.

Now back to the issue about Nigerian men marrying foreign women in droves and treating them like trophies. I think it’s basically overblown cos most Nigerian men are naturally predisposed to marry someone from the same background/ethnicity/nationality. We as human beings feel more comfortable being around what we’re accustomed to. Then you have the subconscious role the image of the mother plays in the type of woman most men are attracted to. So the average Nigerian guy will always be inclined to courting/marrying a Nigerian chic. Even when there’s no connection whatsoever and their mentality doesn’t align with the idiosyncrasies associated with the average Nigerian chic (connection is very important in courtship/marriage cos that’s the pillar in which understanding stands on). And perhaps, the few Nigerian guys who have been able to suppress the inclination made their choice based on connection, regardless of race/ethnicity/background/nationality. The lack connection might be the reason why a lot of relationships/marriages between Nigerian men and Nigerian women are problematic, while the relationships/marriages between Nigerian men and foreign women continue to blossom.

Regardless, this type of topic is just boring. Folks need to start taking responsibilities for their own actions and whatever reaction they get – and stop moaning. Once you learn how to give out the right energy, you’ll start getting the same energy back in return. If Nigerian men are putting foreign women on a pedestal, it shows foreign women have things Nigerian women fundamentally lack. And perhaps it’s high time they started looking in the mirror and making amends to whatever reflection they see.

ronald4lif:
Hmmm, interesting piece.
I can confirm, albeit regrettably, that I'm guilty of some this cold-hearted disposition when in an amorous affair with a Nigerian and when with non-Nigerians.
Why I act the way I do is something I can't tell exactly but I think it has been firmly established and subconsciously intrinsic in my blood, apparently due to my upbringing and environmental influence.

A Camerounian aphorism would say every tumbu (tape worm) get e own palm tree wey e dey enter. Nigerians would say shoe get size. What this roughly means is that, people are cognizant of the fact that it's not everyone they can treat with utter dismay and not everyone can entertain their unscrupulous attitude, so they treat different individuals based on their fundamental scruples and standards.
Women are usually responsible for the way they're being treated. From the inception of an affair before it even get to marriage a woman should be firm with her principles and never condone any attitude they think goes against her boundaries.

Like the writer succinctly wrote, women in the western world have strong regards for themselves, believes in fair play and they won't bend their rules for anything. Men on their part have realised this fact and would abide by these rules as they're aware their ass would be kicked out faster than the speed of light should they misbehave.

While I'm not advocating for divorce, divorce isn't entirely bad like the Nigerian society portrays. Women (and men too) shouldn't eat sh1t coz they want to stay married against all odds and shouldn't bother about what people would say. 'Jobless' people will always talk whether you're married infinitely or not, they must have something to keep their sad lives entertained.

tearoses:
its simple, the men know that with some people they cant get away with what they will normally get away with

Thats why I laugh when people say Nigerian men are bad, because I know that in there somewhere there is goodness, its just that the women have not managed to tap into it.

The same man who misbehaves with a Nigerian lady will behave with a white woman . . why?
because he knows what he has to loose
Its the women who should sit up and know what they want and their worth.

There was a thread being discussed where some people were advocating for women to get married with zero income and expecting the man to support them both for as long as.
This is virtually unheard of by oyinbo standards.

You will only be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. respect yourself and people will respect you.
Lay ground rules and stick to them.

Mindfulness:
This write-up is so wrong in so many ways. It is full of prejudice and full of stereotypes that do not do any justice to the full diversity of people in the Nigerian as well as Western settings.
Welcome to the global village.
I don't agree that Nigerian men are more controlling than their Western counterparts and - except for a few Western countries - plenty of them still have a paternalistic family system at heart.
Every human being has been socialized in the context of a particular culture and relatively few human beings do not succumb to the influence of their own upbringing and socialization. And this is where the contradiction of this write-up sets in. Since the cultural influence is so strong and since it is observable why would the author omit the fact that numerous Nigerian men, despite being in a relationship with a white lady, will still consider it the utmost priority to take care of their families back in Nigeria? From the write-up it seems like Nigerian men have no free will once they get together with a white lady and this is simply not true.
The author of this write-up forgot all the Nigerians married to white women who go home to marry a Nigerian girl even though polygamy is strongly frowned upon in the Western setting. This goes to prove that Nigerian men do not succumb to a foreign culture in a way that the author suggests.
Many Nigerian men take their women out for dinner. Many Nigerians shower their girlfriends with gifts (I prefer nice lingerie to flowers BTW ).
And millions of Westerners hate romantic walks by the lake or a park. Like I said, a write-up full of stereotypes.
It is a relatively new phenomenon in the Western world for parents to tell their kids that they love them but a poorly researched article, which is rather emotional than factual, will not mention it.
This is the first time the author restricts his or her observations to the USA because clearly the author has very wrong notions about family life and dating preferences in the rest of the Western world. And clearly the author has no idea how paternalistic and how "macho-like" men in some Western countries are.
First of all, like I have already said, Nigerian men do not change entirely in a foreign setting.
Secondly, if they do, then maybe just because people do not mock them with words like "their balls shrink."
Thirdly, many Nigerian men living with white women maintain a "traditional" type of relationship, which many Western women are used to as their parents used to maintain traditional gender roles in their home too.
The author of this write-up suggests that Western and African family structures are the complete opposites with each of them being at the other end of the spectrum. This further shows how misinformed this write-up is.
I am yet to see a family who schedules household chores. And I am yet to see a Nigerian man who lives by this schedule.
The author must be blind and deaf. Numerous interracial marriages fail due to cultural differences. Plenty of Nigerian men complain about white women and vice versa. And I would like to ask the author how he / she knows what ALL Western and Nigerian women are like in bed? This passage is not only an insult to ALL white ladies but also to Nigerian men who have no other standard than having a wh.ore in bed and whose inferiority complex is so bad that they forget where they came from.
Maybe because they will tell them that their balls have shrunk? You get what you ask for.
Western women demand for more than is earthly possible by asking their husbands to help in the house.
More crap. I am yet to see a white woman who doesn't consider it important to stand by her husband when his parents pass away and who will stay away from the burial ceremony.
Racist remarks not worth responding to possibly from a frustrated woman who needed to write some sh.it to feel better because a man left her for a white woman. What other motivation could there be for writing such a derogatory comment which puts one group of women against another? And what other motivation is behind someone's desire to insult all Nigerian men?

bukatyne:


@Bold;

I thought that was the standard behavior going through posts on NL.



@Bold,

Where do you think Nigerian women are missing it?

And do you think this really resonates with the society? Look for example at the advices given to women in troubled marriages. What is the solution?

bukatyne:


@Bold:

Is there anything wrong in a woman marrying without zero income if they (husband and wife) understand their roles in the marriage?

Does it mean all 'respected' non-African wives of Nigerian men earn an income?

daretodiffer:


You still don't get it

White women meet but treat their men as if they are ATM but they are not different from your average women out there.

Some Nigerian men claim they better. Yes, they are better when you help them do the dishes etc which they wouldn't do if they were with Nigerian women. FYI, most white homes still have their wives carrying out traditional roles albeit not as strictly defined as it used to be.

However the OP failed to realize that Nigerian/African women are same. I have friends who don't do Nigerian men for the same reason Nigerian men prefer white women. Personally, I think it is because of the cultural differences. Prone are more willing to overlook things they wouldn't with people of their colour.

tearoses:


From what I have seen in some cases the woman expects too much financially and is too dependent on the man.
This makes them man feel big headed and almost feels as if he has "bought" the woman
Even from when they are dating the man does most of the spending
If he doesn't then he is called aka gum and stingy etc
It shouldn't be so
A woman should be able to stand tall
Ive had this discussion before but I have been told that its the economic climate in Nigeria
I still don't buy it
If you cant afford it then go without it
Its really difficult to put your foot down against something to someone that is feeding and clothing you.
Ive heard where a woman has complained about the man coming back late and having affairs and the man turning round to ask the woman is there anything that he doesn't provide for her . . . . that's total bullshit to me, but if she is totally dependent on him her options are limited.