tearoses:


Personally I think that a woman should go into a marriage with something no matter how small
Even if you are selling poff poff
You are showing the man that you are capable, industrious and you bring something to the table as a partnership no matter how little

Marriage is long term and as time goes on situations may change and the decision may be made that the wife becomes a housewife, but at the very start of the marriage I believe that a woman goes to her husbands house not just with a suitcase.

These are my own personal opinions and this is what I will tell my daughter.

bukatyne:


In our society, the marriage roles are well defined.... Husband provides, wife takes care of the home front.

Why should a husband 'disrespect' his wife because he is doing his duty? That is akin to a wife 'disrespecting' her husband because she cleans and cooks for him.

We also have cases of husbands who insist their wives don't work and still 'disrespect' them.

There are also cases where the wives earn more and the husbands still disrespect them.

bukatyne:


Ok

if you are saying the wife must be financially ok, should the husband be domestically ok too?

EfemenaXY:


Too emotional. This is unlike you. Calm down dear and compose yourself.

bukatyne:


In our society, the marriage roles are well defined.... Husband provides, wife takes care of the home front.

Why should a husband 'disrespect' his wife because he is doing his duty? That is akin to a wife 'disrespecting' her husband because she cleans and cooks for him.

We also have cases of husbands who insist their wives don't work and still 'disrespect' them.

There are also cases where the wives earn more and the husbands still disrespect them.

Mindfulness:


The write-up is degrading to white women and Nigerian men and racist too and I stand by it. I was surprised you called it "insightful".

tearoses:


The Nigerian society?
This is half of the problem then, when the man thinks that like his shoes and his car, he has "bought" a wife

TooNoisy:
OP, you are now wondering why Nigerian men whom you all despise and insult are happily settling down with foreign ladies?

Truth is that Nigerian women need to "up their game". When you realise that men are not ATM machines and you are ready to contribute to the well-being of the family beyond giving sex and food; then you would be more valuable to men all over.

You have so contradicted yourself in this write-up. Writing about how horrible Nigerian men and how great Nigerian women are; but these horrible Nigerian men are now settling for White females whom you even presume have higher demands than Nigerian women?

Why don't you leave Nigerian men alone with their white wives. After all, you claim you folks have a lot more to offer than white girls; yet an increasing number of Nigerian men are going for white women. The men must either be stupid or they value different things from what you guys have to offer - which is sex and food!

EfemenaXY:


I found her perspective insightful. Doesn't mean I agree with everything she said - but I know people who fit the canvass she painted to a 'T'.

tearoses:


Ive always said it
Its like washing your hands
You have to rub both together to get it clean
Both have to do things together

There are also thousands of other things in-between domestics and finance
Who calls the electrician or the gen repairer?
Is that domestic or finance?
Who fixes the car and deals with the mechanic? Is that under domestic or finance
We cant split everything into 2 and thats why everyone needs to chip in and work together
And yes a man should be domestically Okay too
Thats why I was horrified at the filthy cooker that someone posted on one of the threads.

bukatyne:


Telling a Nigerian wife that earning would make her less exposed to 'disrespect' is like pulling the cart before the horse. There are several earning/contributing wives 'disrespected' daily.

Can we honestly say earning wives are not cheated on or 'disrespected'? Remember Titi Awolowo?

If he believes he bought a wife, then her earnings is also his

Mindfulness:


I find it extremely silly, degrading and racist. It is an exaggeration at its peak and the reality is different.

What the OP does not mention as well are all the Nigerian men who after an experience with one or two white women learn to appreciate Nigerian women the more because they realize that they cannot and will not adapt to a culture too foreign to their own. But even here people should learn to be more careful, the Western world is diverse just like Africa is so painting white women like who,res and Nigerian men like their puppets or some sort of s.ex slaves is narrow-minded.

bukatyne:


Telling a Nigerian wife that earning would make her less exposed to 'disrespect' is like pulling the cart before the horse. There are several earning/contributing wives 'disrespected' daily.

Can we honestly say earning wives are not cheated on or 'disrespected'? Remember Titi Awolowo?

If he believes he bought a wife, then her earnings is also his

EfemenaXY:


Morning Bukky.

Your first and last comments are contradictory

Re the point you made earlier about the sort of advice (a.k.a grin and bear) given to distressed married women on here - majority of those are dished out by secondary school & underaged kids on here. I don't think anyone takes those seriously.

babygirlfl:
The article was massively generalised. I believe a large number of African men would treat a foreign wife better than they would treat an African wife. However, there are African men who treat their African wives well and like a queen. The African man and African wife both share a fault in the difference in the way the African woman is treated.

The African wife: A good number of African women go into married with the mind of being treated badly. They don't even know they are not being treated right. You will be amazed at the number of women that expect to be cheated on because they believe all men cheat. You will be amazed at the number of women who go into marriage expecting to endure because they confuse tolerance for endurance. Also a large number of african women expect to accept rubbish because that is the only way a marriage can last. The African woman prefers to be suffering in a marriage than to be happily divorced. Then the believe that the woman is responsible for keeping the home.


The African man
The African man knows this and being the human that he is, will treat the African woman as he wishes because he knows that she expected to endure, take his rubbish and is going nowhere. There is simply no reason to treat her well because she is going to take whatever you dish and stay put.
Another thing is some men simply suffer from inferiority complex and think he has won a jackpot marrying a white woman. However, I do acknowledge that they are African men that simply fell in love with a white woman.

While I always advocate that women are independent, I do not believe that African men treats the African women worse off because she is dependent on him. I have seen and in more than one occasion an African man leaving his single working African woman to go for a white woman with three kids and on benefit. Some white women who were even career women stay at home to look after their kids for a long time before going back to work and the African husbands still treat them right.

In all these, I give the biggest blame to our African women. If you are satisfied with Keke napep, why should I kill myself giving you a Range Rover. People treat you the way you permit them to. Our women need to ask to be treated well to get treated well.

EfemenaXY:


So you're saying she's 100% wrong? There are absolutely no Nigerian men who fall into that category?

Mindfulness:


I don't know any Nigerian man who behaves like a puppet around white ladies but like a beast around Nigerian ladies.

tearoses:


Personally I think that a woman should go into a marriage with something no matter how small
Even if you are selling poff poff
You are showing the man that you are capable, industrious and you bring something to the table as a partnership no matter how little

Marriage is long term and as time goes on situations may change and the decision may be made that the wife becomes a housewife, but at the very start of the marriage I believe that a woman goes to her husbands house not just with a suitcase.

These are my own personal opinions and this is what I will tell my daughter.

EfemenaXY:


I don't think the @OP used those very words in describing Nigerian men - but okay. You don't know.

pickabeau1:
Mindfulness standing up for naija men

Mindfulness:


I totally agree with you. She should not only go into marriage with something to show anyone that she is capable and industrious but also to protect herself and her family no matter what.

As you have said, times change and so do circumstances.

I just need to think of one couple that I know. They were married for almost 30 years with the husband providing everything. At some time, due to the economic crisis, the husband's business started to crumble. Coupled with an aging parent and high hospital bills and children in university, the husband became unbearable due to the stress he was facing and all the responsibilities he had to manage all by himself because madam thought that cooking and cleaning is all she needs to do.

At some time the man met a woman who offered him a business opportunity. It appeared to be a blessing at this time and the man accepted the offer. They started doing business together and the man realized how nice it is to have a woman by his side who is capable and industrious. Attraction kicked in and they fell in love. He left his wife for not only a younger lady but also a lady who has his back in case things go wrong.

The man's business is thriving and his first wife (he has not divorced her) is still at home waiting till he comes back but he won't. All he does is still provide for her and his kids but totally unwilling to return as he has something he never had and which he learned to value.

This is a man who has been brought up to believe that he has to provide for everyone and everything but who discovered that a strong, capable and industrious woman can save lives in times of a crisis.

Now look at the situation of the first wife. She is extremely unhappy and even unable to take care of herself. One can say that she is lucky enough that he didn't abandon her completely but is still providing for her.


Let us not forget that men are human too. He may not only need help every now and then but also die prematurely.
Independence and foresight should be taught to everyone.

Mindfulness:


I don't know why you are so surprised. I have already said that they are wonderful. I have rarely seen men who are so responsible for their families, extended families and in-laws.

I know a Nigerian man who helps his white wife with house chores and we were quite surprised because when he was a bachelor his (mostly Nigerian) girlfriends would clean up and cook for him. When asked why, he said, it is just fair. She wants to contribute to the financial responsibilities so I am helping out at home. My ex-girlfriends wanted me to pay for everything so I expected something else in return.

TooNoisy has said it best. You have to decide what you want but don't expect a man to take full responsibility while you take none. Fair play.

Mindfulness:


I don't know why you are so surprised. I have already said that they are wonderful. I have rarely seen men who are so responsible for their families, extended families and in-laws.

I know a Nigerian man who helps his white wife with house chores and we were quite surprised because when he was a bachelor his (mostly Nigerian) girlfriends would clean up and cook for him. When asked why, he said, it is just fair. She wants to contribute to the financial responsibilities so I am helping out at home. My ex-girlfriends wanted me to pay for everything so I expected something else in return.

TooNoisy has said it best. You have to decide what you want but don't expect a man to take full responsibility while you take none. Fair play.

Read well again. The summary of the OP's article is that why are more Nigerian men marrying white women when Nigerian women have a lot more to offer than white women; and white women are a lot tougher to deal with than Nigerian women. That was what I responded to.

The reality is that the 21st century Nigerian woman is different from our mothers. The modern day Nigerian woman wants the best of both worlds. She wants to be a Kim K, wearing brazilian weave, coach bags and loubotin shoes. She dreams of a very romantic man with lots of money and wants to live in Banana Island driving a Range Rover. She also wants a man that will even take care of her family if necessary. However, this same woman believes her money is her money and the man should provide 100% include for her own family.

With the white woman, you know exactly what you are getting when you sign up for it. She is happy to contribute as much to the well-being of her home and she would not bother you with her mother, father, sister and brother's problems. She will not label your mother a witch and ban her from coming to your home, while letting her own mother be "queen mother" in the home. And the man knows if he messes up, he may just be gone. With 9ja girls, as long as he is loaded, he can get away with murder.

The white woman is even willing to start with a guy who has less money. I know a lot of white woman who marry men that earn significantly less than them at the beginning but they are okay with it. In Nigeria, it is a taboo. She loves you for who you are and not what you have in your pocket.

My point is that the modern day Nigerian woman needs to decide what she wants- A traditional Nigerian man who may provide 100% but wouldn't be as romantic etc, or a Westernised man who will watch E! with you but will also make demands as well. But she can't have both!

You can't ask for equality at home and keep your entire salary to yourself or spend your training your brothers and sisters.

TooNoisy:


Read well again. The summary of the OP's article is that why are more Nigerian men marrying white women when Nigerian women have a lot more to offer than white women; and white women are a lot tougher to deal with than Nigerian women. That was what I responded to.

The reality is that the 21st century Nigerian woman is different from our mothers. The modern day Nigerian woman wants the best of both worlds. She wants to be a Kim K, wearing brazilian weave, coach bags and loubotin shoes. She dreams of a very romantic man with lots of money and wants to live in Banana Island driving a Range Rover. She also wants a man that will even take care of her family if necessary. However, this same woman believes her money is her money and the man should provide 100% include for her own family.

With the white woman, you know exactly what you are getting when you sign up for it. She is happy to contribute as much to the well-being of her home and she would not bother you with her mother, father, sister and brother's problems. She will not label your mother a witch and ban her from coming to your home, while letting her own mother be "queen mother" in the home. And the man knows if he messes up, he may just be gone. With 9ja girls, as long as he is loaded, he can get away with murder.

The white woman is even willing to start with a guy who has less money. I know a lot of white woman who marry men that earn significantly less than them at the beginning but they are okay with it. In Nigeria, it is a taboo. She loves you for who you are and not what you have in your pocket.

My point is that the modern day Nigerian woman needs to decide what she wants- A traditional Nigerian man who may provide 100% but wouldn't be as romantic etc, or a Westernised man who will watch E! with you but will also make demands as well. But she can't have both!
You can't ask for equality at home and keep your entire salary to yourself or spend your training your brothers and sisters.

tearoses:

Ive always said it
Its like washing your hands
You have to rub both together to get it clean
Both have to do things together
There are also thousands of other things in-between domestics and finance
Who calls the electrician or the gen repairer?
Is that domestic or finance?
Who fixes the car and deals with the mechanic? Is that under domestic or finance
We cant split everything into 2 and thats why everyone needs to chip in and work together
And yes a man should be domestically Okay too
Thats why I was horrified at the filthy cooker that someone posted on one of the threads.

Mindfulness:


So were white women in the past. Why have they changed? Why have Nigerian women not?

You just need to watch some of the advertisements from the 50s and you will see what gender roles were prevailing at this time. Here is an example of a wife who is supposed to please her husband.

This is true but we should not make it look like Nigerian women have no options. Nigerian families educated their daughters and thus empower them by giving them the opportunity to be independent.

daretodiffer:


I concur with must of the OP's point of view but not with yours. I understand the op's perspective but you didn't include where she explained how Nigerian men become vegetables because of skin colour. Yes, they do offer more when you look at it from the cultural angle however that was not the only isssue she touched.

-White men say the same of their women. Go figure!!!
-How many Nigerian men had all that before they their fiancee's said yes?
-It is called Cinderella dream and every woman has one!!!
- Yes, some Nigerian women can be demanding however they equalise the equation with handling most if not all house chores
-whatever you are on about are mere stereotypes


-The realities are:
-There are many white women who marry Nigerians because of money. Go figure!!!
-Many of them marry because of the way they are treated, some believed that Nigerian men treat them better than their men. This is applicable to the hardworking/elite women.
-Maybe in your own culture women do not contribute to the homefront but where I come from in Nigeria, the women contribute as much as the men. Just because your mum always asks you to go to daddy for every little thing doesn't mean that she does not contribute.

Do you think I am a fool? Yes, A Nigerian woman likes money but how many of them are married to men who earn a lot?. There are many women who get married to men who do not earn up to N100K a month. You guys keep regurgitating this BS every time (maybe due to the fact that you go for high maintenance ladies- take your advice and go for everyday women).

Please do not compare white women with Nigerian women. They do not have to worry about school fees or excessive transport fares or healthcare for a very long time after marriage. The government provides the most basic needs for them. They have enough time to get their acts together before they actually start spending on their kids.

A Nigerian man also needs to decide what he wants, he expects his wife to look like Kim K, contribute to the family pocket yet expects her to do all the house chores in the name of traditional roles. If I had penny for everytime one Nigerian man have expressed his dissatisfaction on the way Nigerian women start acting up when they take up responsibilities (which is all their head), how she expects them to carry out house chores just because she is contributing to the family pocket...I would be a billionaire by now.

Frankly, most of them do not want their women to contribute as much as they do because she would stop being ‘submissive'. However the truth is, in most average homes the woman contriburrs just as much and also carry out most of the house chores!!!

You cannot ask for equality and expect your wife to keep on doing all the house chores while you make 99% of the decisions for the entire home. You cannot ask for equality when you expect them to look the other way when you exercise your God's given right to commit adultery unhindered.

The last time I checked, the husband also spends on his family and go as far as paying his sister's children school fees.

I think you and the OP need to get your acts together and realise that the issue on ground isn't about Nigerian men or Nigerian women but about Nigerian men and Nigerian women.

SAMBARRY:
Vivala if you are expecting rational answers you're on a long thing

EfemenaXY:


Even for you, this analogy is one-sided.

The mere fact that they were married for 30 years should in itself portray something about that union. Where marriage is concerned, there is no one size fits all. You don't know whether it was the man's idea or a joint decision that the wife should be at home to look after the kids while he goes out to get the bacon.

There is nothing unusual about that sort of arrangement - an arrangement which has worked well for many couples. Do not underestimate the contribution of a stay-at-home mum or parent. Not everyone is built or even wants to be a high-flying career go-getter. Many couples choose this option because they want well-balanced kids. Kids who'll come home from school to a clean house, hot meals, etc. Or for the younger ones, having a parent waiting for them at the school gates after school to take them home, as opposed to a nanny / househelp. No woman or parent should be berated for making their kids priority over everything else / work.

Human beings will always want more and will always want to experience the "other" aspect of life which is different to what they currently have / live. And that's no different to what happened in this example you've given. Now let's be realistic. Death / ill-health is no respector of gender. Just as you say anything could have happened to the man, anything could likewise have happened to his wife too. She too could have met her demise early on in life or struck down by ill health. Secondly, prior to the man's business crumbling (due to the economic crises you mention), would he have attained that height without the woman's input - or better still, are you saying the woman looking after the homefront had no contribution to his success?