I am a regular user of this forum. For the sake of privacy and objectivity... I have to start a new tread.

I need the opinion of mature and especially married people.

I am a man in my middle thirties, Married with 2 kids(One with another woman). I am in a dilemma. I am married to a Woman that have different view of life. We are from different culture and educational background. We see life differently. I am a quite, conservative, loyal, and kind but very principle Man whereas my wife is very open, extrovert, kind, and care free person but She is very very disrespectful and abusive. She abuses even in public without knowing the implication of her actions.

I believe in Family union and the sanctity of Marriage. I believe that a Man is the head of a family and the provider and protector of the family. My wife believe that a Man should be the provider of the family while she takes control of the family.

Perhaps it is too much to describe but how do i make my wife to see life the way I am seeing it? I want a simple, quite, private life that I will love, cherish my wife above any other thing.

I want to go back to school to obtain a degree perhaps Maters degree but my wife just want me to provide for the family without pursuing my dreams or career. She is not interested in anything I want to do as long as it does not affect the family income.

I have thought of leaving her but the idea that I have a child with before with another woman without marriage, then another child with her(Which I love so much) scare the living daylight out of me.

I have tried talking with her about my fears and worries but that seems not to help. I have contracted other people for advice but nothing is helping.

I am scared of starting a new family after 2 kids with two different women. How do I make this woman to see life from my angle(I am willing for concession)?

When I was a child, I planned for a wife that will love and adore me... Support my dreams and take care of the family... But it seems I am having opposite of this right now.

This is a true life story... Please help a brother...

It's obvious you both share different values of life, poster, this is what people usually discuss during courtship to see if they are compatible,

When courting you talk about values, aspirations, how you want to raise your family and such,

Now you are married there is no divorce, endure my dear( let the prayer warriors advice you on how hard you have to pray)

What does she say when other people intervene to talk to her?

Didn't you guys court?

She is adamant. The truth is I am a very religious person but I believe this situation requires practicality as much as wisdom.

The unfortunate thing is that We didn't court for long. Reason is that I was in a seven years of bitter long distance relationship that I wanted to end desperately and when she came along... I saw her as the best way to let go of the other person.

I saw some of this threat early(Three months later) but by then she was pregnant. I was worried but family and friends advice that things will be better after the delivery and marriage and I was not ready to have another child out of wedlock.

How do i get out of this quagmire?

Just deal with it

This is what people usually discuss during courtship to see if they are compatible.

Gbam...u nailed it here!!

Op, this was where you might have missed out.

Maybe she's one one of those ready-made wives our parents do marry for us!

@Skedy1

I acknowledge the situation... As i mention in my post, there was a pregnancy within three months of courtship and exactly the time i realized that it might not be what I wanted.

I am already in the situation and asking for advice on how to manage the situation... I really want my marriage to work... I need people with experience in such situation to contribute...

liefdesverhaal:
@Skedy1

I acknowledge the situation... As i mention in my post, there was a pregnancy within three months of courtship and exactly the time i realized that it might not be what I wanted.

I am already in the situation and asking for advice on how to manage the situation... I really want my marriage to work... I need people with experience in such situation to contribute...

Like you have rightly said...people with experience!

Am inexperienced bro!

My apologies

Why not ask for professional help? She might change with the help of counselling, since you said you love her. You can make it work.

Get someone she respects to speak to her since you've tried and nothing is working. ..
Don't expect her to change completely and be like you because she's a different person. .To me, what needs to be dealt with is her disrespectful and abusive character..

The dreams you said she doesn't support, will pursuing those dreams push your family into starvation or something? Cos money seems to be her excuse for not supporting you... Maybe you look at other stuffs that wouldn't have that much impact on your finances.....or explain to her the returns you hope to get from the big investments while ensuring her she won't starve..

When you say she wants to control the marriage, what do you mean?

I'm happy you're willing to make your marriage work, I really pray it works out for you. . All d best...

Hehe bro, was about opening a thread with a kind of similar topic. Guessed u beat me to it.
What happens when u find yourself inna situation where u and your spouse don't see eye to eye on long term situations. Its easy for those who have never been in these shoes to say "you should have discussed this during courtship" bla bla , but the truth is life is not black and white. When you are in a relationship in which u like this person and you feel it can lead to marriage you start closing eye to a lot of things. Even your own friends will advice you that you can't find the exact perfect person. You look at the matter wholistically and decide that you can live with the little flaws the lady or guy is exhibiting and then you go ahead and marry only to find out that after the euphoria of marriage the flaws become even more glaring and life threatening.

I stated in a previous thread that my wife is lacking in the gratitude department. Saying thanks for a help rendered is a very big thing in my family. We show gratitude a lot. Wifey's family, not so much. For someone who grew up with this habit it irritates me no end when she doesn't acknowledge the help I give her. I have tried stopping any assistance but I honestly don't have the heart to see her suffer.
So I endure.
A friend of mine cannot spend a day out of his house. His wife will raise hell and highwater. But his business requires him to travel a lot. In fact he hasnt been promoted in the last one year cos he has been unable to meet the target set by his company. His wife would rather the family remain stagnant than for him to spend a weekend outside.
Another one is having similar issues as you. His wife would rather buy the most expensive clothes and jewelry than allow the house suffer small so he can build their house. It had always been his dream to move into his own house by the age of 40. Doesn't seem like its going to happen anytime soon.

What happens when u find yourself in a marriage with someone who cannot identify with your feelings about what marriage should be about? Someone who cannot encourage you in your long term goals?

@tearoses I enjoy your contributions in issues like this. Pls don't be offended that am calling u out again. Also tv01 or is it TV001 . Abeg contribute.

liefdesverhaal:


I acknowledge the situation... As i mention in my post, there was a pregnancy within three months of courtship and exactly the time i realized that it might not be what I wanted.

I am already in the situation and asking for advice on how to manage the situation... I really want my marriage to work... I need people with experience in such situation to contribute...

Op I have actually found a kind of solution but I haven't been comfortable with it even though it seems to be working. I want other mature minds to comment before I say anything. I believe we are all here to learn.

Nawa oooo

Mindfulness pls come over

Op, the truth is you can't change your wife to be you. Stop expecting her to be civil all at once, caution her if she becomes abusive and with time your civility will rub off on her.
As per your dreams like your masters degree, if you need it and it's to best interest of the family then go for it. Generally women don't like anything that will affect the family income but atimes it happens before a major promotion. In all, be in control of your family.

Everything was messed up during courtship.
What happened to your first baby mama? Its possible that would have been a good wife to you.
All the same, its for better for worst just endure

@PressVA
Thanks very much for the Advice. I have already ask elderly family friends to talk with her... Sometimes she agrees to change without doing anything to change, some other times she becomes defiant of any criticism.

As you rightly pointed out, the things that i desperately want to change in her is the disrespectful and abusive nature. She talks down at me even outside and once told me that she can fight me in public without caring what people will say. I have leave her couple of times outside just to avoid embarrassment. At home is no difference, She is ready to fight at any slightest provocation.

This things hurts me so much but she doesn't see it as a problem. Although I would be really happy for her to be more supportive of my dreams as i am being supportive of her dreams and aspiration... Anyway, I am pursuing them irrespective of her objection because i believe that the gains outweigh temporary austerity.


@RiloKiley
Thanks for your contribution. There is adage that says "He who wears the shoe knows where it hurts" .... I think the differences with my wife stem from upbringing and cultural differences. I came from a very respectful and homogeneous home while she came from a broken home that sees life as it comes. She didn't grow to see her mother take care of her father at home or how to manage home as a housewife. From what i later understood, she has been very very disrespectful of elders since she was a child.

She has the unappreciative tendencies too. She complains about everything that I buy for her and this too i do not like. She never says thank you when I buy new thing or render help to her.

She is oppose to me completing our new house but wants to stay in a Mansion when she visits home. She opposes me furthering my education rather she thinks i should use that time a find menial job to compliment my earnings so that she will not lack anything.

RiloKiley, please share your other ideas.

Now I do not want to sound like a broken record or like a man without infallibility. As I have told her severally that I am always open to adjustment as most of my action stems from the frustration i get from her negative behaviors.

liefdesverhaal:

I came from a very respectful and homogeneous home while she came from a broken home that sees life as it comes. She didn't grow to see her mother take care of her father at home or how to manage home as a housewife. From what i later understood, she has been very very disrespectful of elders since she was a child.

.

How would you feel if that was said to your first child?
Now I see why she's so rude to you
How many times have you said these to her. How many times have you called her uncultured?

Typical

@Dyt

Typical of what?

I am just pointing out what i perceive as part of the reasons she act the way she does. This is anonymous forum. I just want people to understand the situation and advice accordingly.

Although I have never said such a thing to her but I think it is part of the problem. Because I am not with the mother of my first child does not mean that I am not active in his life. That makes things different.

Thanks anyway for your contribution and I will never make such a statement to my wife.

Dyt:

How would you feel if that was said to your first child?
Now I see why she's so rude to you
How many times have you said these to her. How many times have you called her uncultured?
Typical

liefdesverhaal:
@Dyt

Typical of what?

I am just pointing out what i perceive as part of the reasons she act the way she does. This is anonymous forum. I just want people to understand the situation and advice accordingly.

Although I have never said such a thing to her but I think it is part of the problem. Because I am not with the mother of my first child does not mean that I am not active in his life. That makes things different.

Thanks anyway for your contribution and I will never make such a statement to my wife.

Sometimes it openly amazes me when men like you come on here to say my wife is this and that
you don't sound all that good too, you have your faults, yes she might too but in all I see written in your last posts, you are not far from being a bad husband too


Phew

Dyt:

Sometimes it openly amazes me when men like you come on here to say my wife is this and that
you don't sound all that good too, you have your faults, yes she might too but in all I see written in your last posts, you are not far from being a bad husband too
Phew

Once again, I am not asking for a validation from you. I shared a troubling heart in anonymous forum. I came here to seek other people opinion from their experiences and ways they deal with it.

And I specifically said before I am "infallible" hence the reason I came here for suggestion on the ways I can make it better.

She has her own concerns too but I am pointing the very basic that needs to be adjusted for us to have a functional home.

liefdesverhaal:


Once again, I am not asking for a validation from you. I shared a troubling heart in anonymous forum. I came here to seek other people opinion from their experiences and ways they deal with it.

And I specifically said before I am not "infallible" hence the reason I came here for suggestion on the ways I can make it better.

She has her own concerns too but I am pointing the very basic that needs to be adjusted for us to have a functional home.

Oh
I must have hit the nerve behind your neck
Sorry oooo


Pls keep praying and fasting
God will change her for better

Dyt:
Nawa oooo

Mindfulness pls come over

Typical case of two people trying to change each other as it suits them. This is what they have in common. If they spent the same amount of time appreciating, encouraging and supporting each other as they spend on finding fault with each other, their problems would dissolve.

liefdesverhaal:
@PressVA
Thanks very much for the Advice. I have already ask elderly family friends to talk with her... Sometimes she agrees to change without doing anything to change, some other times she becomes defiant of any criticism.

As you rightly pointed out, the things that i desperately want to change in her is the disrespectful and abusive nature. She talks down at me even outside and once told me that she can fight me in public without caring what people will say. I have leave her couple of times outside just to avoid embarrassment. At home is no difference, She is ready to fight at any slightest provocation.

This things hurts me so much but she doesn't see it as a problem. Although I would be really happy for her to be more supportive of my dreams as i am being supportive of her dreams and aspiration... Anyway, I am pursuing them irrespective of her objection because i believe that the gains outweigh temporary austerity.


@RiloKiley
Thanks for your contribution. There is adage that says "He who wears the shoe knows where it hurts" .... I think the differences with my wife stem from upbringing and cultural differences. I came from a very respectful and homogeneous home while she came from a broken home that sees life as it comes. She didn't grow to see her mother take care of her father at home or how to manage home as a housewife. From what i later understood, she has been very very disrespectful of elders since she was a child.

She has the unappreciative tendencies too. She complains about everything that I buy for her and this too i do not like. She never says thank you when I buy new thing or render help to her.

She is oppose to me completing our new house but wants to stay in a Mansion when she visits home. She opposes me furthering my education rather she thinks i should use that time a find menial job to compliment my earnings so that she will not lack anything.

RiloKiley, please share your other ideas.

Now I do not want to sound like a broken record or like a man without infallibility. As I have told her severally that I am always open to adjustment as most of my action stems from the frustration i get from her negative behaviors.

I became more authoritative.
I ceased caring so much about her happiness and more about the goals for the family. If I see a particular venture will be good for all of us I go all out to get it. I stopped trying to discuss every little thing with her. I found out I was making her the centre of my happiness and unlike what I had heard and read about in romance novels instead of making her happy it seemed to be driving her away. So now I demand for things. I tell her why this will be good for the family and then i go ahead and do it.
Its not my style at all. I'm the "lets talk and discuss about every little thing" kind of person. I believe a lot in romance (or used to, now not so much) but believe me I have gotten more results since then. She is definitely more respectful too.
i think u should be more authoritative. Be the "man of the house" especially when it comes to things that you know will move the family forward. Warn her that the day she tries to fight u in public she will not like what will happen afterwards. Let her see you can be mental as well. She can be loud with her friends but not with u.
Also if u feel the extra degree will boost the family income on the long run I think u should go ahead and do it. She will complain and nag but in the long run she'll be the one to boast outside later that her man has a Masters degree.
And as long as u don't get abusive with the power. Let your Christian morals guide you.

Mindfulness:


Typical case of two people trying to change each other as it suits them. This is what they have in common. If they spent the same amount of time appreciating, encouraging and supporting each other as they spend on finding fault with each other, their problems would dissolve.

This isn't the solution in all cases.
Change is the only constant.
Two people can never be the same. There must be differences in ideas and habits and ways of doing things. It is the agreement of one spouse to stand back for the other in certain occasions and vice versa that brings about synergy. But if one spouse constantly irritates or aggrieves the other, the flow of appreciation, encouragement and support will wane and dry up.

Mindfulness:


Typical case of two people trying to change each other as it suits them. This is what they have in common. If they spent the same amount of time appreciating, encouraging and supporting each other as they spend on finding fault with each other, their problems would dissolve.

√√

Mindfulness:

Typical case of two people trying to change each other as it suits them. This is what they have in common. If they spent the same amount of time appreciating, encouraging and supporting each other as they spend on finding fault with each other, their problems would dissolve.

So according to you, I should appreciate the abusive nature or the disrespects mind? Did you even read my post? SMH

RiloKiley:

I became more authoritative.
I ceased caring so much about her happiness and more about the goals for the family. If I see a particular venture will be good for all of us I go all out to get it. I stopped trying to discuss every little thing with her. I found out I was making her the centre of my happiness and unlike what I had heard and read about in romance novels instead of making her happy it seemed to be driving her away. So now I demand for things. I tell her why this will be good for the family and then i go ahead and do it.
Its not my style at all. I'm the "lets talk and discuss about every little thing" kind of person. I believe a lot in romance (or used to, now not so much) but believe me I have gotten more results since then. She is definitely more respectful too.
i think u should be more authoritative. Be the "man of the house" especially when it comes to things that you know will move the family forward. Warn her that the day she tries to fight u in public she will not like what will happen afterwards. Let her see you can be mental as well. She can be loud with her friends but not with u.
Also if u feel the extra degree will boost the family income on the long run I think u should go ahead and do it. She will complain and nag but in the long run she'll be the one to boast outside later that her man has a Masters degree.
And as long as u don't get abusive with the power. Let your Christian morals guide you.

I have tried few of this method myself but it is not solving the long term problem. I have slapped her couple of time at home after too much confrontation and provocation and when she raises to fight, I cant pull myself to hit her back because I am afraid I might hurt or wound her. She has wounded me many times and tore countless of my shirts and jewelries.

I see myself as a weak man anytime I raises my hand to slap her... I believe there should be a better solution than domestic violence. And just to add, Where I live, women are treated favorably in domestic violence cases than a man irrespective of who is at fault.

The issue of taking a sole decision for the family is what I have been doing but i feel it is just making us couple with no foundation, harmony or love... It is making us pass day to day as it come. In simple term, it is not bringing us together, rather creating more loopholes for disharmony and quarrels.

Idea of separation creeps to mind every now and then because my marriage has become stale. She too acknowledge this and even suggested to me last week that we should just have three kids then we can separate and she can become a single Mum while i take care of the kids.

I took a day off to clear my head and i really hope I can find the right balance to a permanent solution.

^^^^^^^^ you both need to see a marriage counsellor. . You can also buy some nice marriage movies and watch together.. Some movies make you realise your mistakes, make amends and work towards a happier marriage; it makes you appreciate your spouse too... For eg, fireproof ... you can Google for more...

Wish you the best..

liefdesverhaal:


Once again, I am not asking for a validation from you. I shared a troubling heart in anonymous forum. I came here to seek other people opinion from their experiences and ways they deal with it.

And I specifically said before I am "infallible" hence the reason I came here for suggestion on the ways I can make it better.

She has her own concerns too but I am pointing the very basic that needs to be adjusted for us to have a functional home.

Please don't justify urself 2 anonymous peeps. let me call mature men 4 you.

tv01
Bellong
timbuktou
raumdeuter

liefdesverhaal:


So according to you, I should appreciate the abusive nature or the disrespects mind? Did you even read my post? SMH

If this is all you have to say about her, then one wonders why you even married her in the first place.

RiloKiley:

This isn't the solution in all cases.
Change is the only constant.
Two people can never be the same. There must be differences in ideas and habits and ways of doing things. It is the agreement of one spouse to stand back for the other in certain occasions and vice versa that brings about synergy.

Exactly.

But if one spouse constantly irritates or aggrieves the other, the flow of appreciation, encouragement and support will wane and dry up.

If a spouse constantly irritates and aggrieves, then remove yourself from the situation instead of pushing a change that you can't push.

nasha1:


Please don't justify urself 2 anonymous peeps. let me call mature men 4 you.

Hello
Here's your worse ever nightmare
Muchechechecheche

liefdesverhaal:


So according to you, I should appreciate the abusive nature or the disrespects mind? Did you even read my post? SMH




I have tried few of this method myself but it is not solving the long term problem. I have slapped her couple of time at home after too much confrontation and provocation and when she raises to fight, I cant pull myself to hit her back because I am afraid I might hurt or wound her. She has wounded me many times and tore countless of my shirts and jewelries.

I see myself as a weak man anytime I raises my hand to slap her... I believe there should be a better solution than domestic violence. And just to add, Where I live, women are treated favorably in domestic violence cases than a man irrespective of who is at fault.

The issue of taking a sole decision for the family is what I have been doing but i feel it is just making us couple with no foundation, harmony or love... It is making us pass day to day as it come. In simple term, it is not bringing us together, rather creating more loopholes for disharmony and quarrels.

Idea of separation creeps to mind every now and then because my marriage has become stale. She too acknowledge this and even suggested to me last week that we should just have three kids then we can separate and she can become a single Mum while i take care of the kids.

I took a day off to clear my head and i really hope I can find the right balance to a permanent solution.

Forgive me but this is funny
Sorry



Smh