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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / TV/Movies / Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) (6484 Views)
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Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 8:15am On Apr 22, 2016 |
DC executives marvel is totally sh*tting on DC comics with their cinematic universe idea which they had in the oven for over 4 years so we shall compete with our own extensive universe(no kidding we are calling it the DC extensive universe) which is barely a minute old DC president Hmmmmm I see this is a DC executives Well we have DC president *snaps out of sleep* wow even hearing that alone makes me bored but lucky for you I wanna make a billion dollars so f*cking bad so you've got the green light our secret weapon to make our movies more superior will be narrator A movie called Batman V superman starts with a few seconds of violent clubbering between batman and superman(duh) before it backdates to how their feud began zack snyder psyche! I'm gonna kick off this movie with an origin story of how bruce waynes parents were murdered and how he became the batman audience Ugh! We've seen that a billion times already zack snyder no but you haven't seen it this way before narrator jeffrey morgan and lauren cohen are shot right in front of young bruce waynes eyes in slooooooooooooow mooooooooooooo then ben affleck is playing narrator but falls asleep and forgets about it, then we see [b]zack snyder So........... What do y'all think? audience Zzzzzzzzzzzz! zack snyder Prick narrator next we see ben affleck in a tv commercial for jeep suvs ben affleck Wait what? No this isn't an ad for suvs this is the climax of man of steel from my perspective(calls an old dude who we don't know) old dude we don't know Hey ben so I was thinking can we like leave work early on account of metropolis being invaded by freaking aliens ben affleck Yea sure, this is a way better excuse than what you gave last time old dude we don't know Alright everyone rather waiting for firefighters or national guards to take us to safety, let's run around like crazy people and get crushed just because ben says it's ok, as for me I'll dramatically say a last prayer before I di......(Gets dubstepped to death) audience All outta f*cks to give dude I'm sorry narrator meanwhile ben is going all danger dash on us when his office building collapses and totally sprays dust everywhere except on ben affleck cos he's too sexy for that, he spots one of his workers scoot mcnairy Wait a minute how did I get here? Did I fall out of the building? Or did a wall just conveniently fall on my legs during a freaking skyscrapper collapse? Oh shit now I can't move my crushed legs which don't have blood on them for some reason Oh! Ben I bet henry did this to me because of that st*pid sex offenders list I told you I DIDN'T R*PE ROSAMUND PIKE back me up on that ben ben affleck Uh dude you know this is not gone girl right? scoot mcnairy Wait so you mean henry threw a wall on my legs for no reason? Oh f*ck I hate that dude I hate him so much ben affleck Oh shut up you whiny little sh*t or I ma call liam neeson on your a*ss again scoot mcnairy Right that movie did happen, damn I'm playing the same whiny geeky character again what's with hollywood giving me this sh*tty roles man my agent is so fired hey ben ben where you going? narrator ben saves a little girl from becoming picasso on cement art ben affleck Wohoo! I saved someone......... oh wait maybe I shoulda asked if she still has parents to know if the save is worth it little girl Or maybe you shoulda dressed up in your bat costume and bring along a batman rescue people mobile work more efficiently ben affleck Hmmmm food for thought little girl And maybe you should test to see if I'm some freakish alien or mutant cos I just survived a skyscrapper collapse without a scratch or going deaf ben affleck Na that's comic book logic that doesn't count little girl And maybe you shoulda prepared for this invasion especially since a UFO was found somewhere in alaska for Godsake micheal shannon gave the world 24 hours before flipping out on us it's so weird you existed in this universe when this sh*t went down but you totally sat on your hands and shouldn't you be rescuing other people? ben affleck alright lil lady I think you need a hug.........yay! Front row seat to watch henry beat the snot outta micheal shannon gosh I knew I should have brought some pop corn henry cavill oh pardon me metropolis nothing to see here just pounding the snot outta gen micheal here(crashes into another building) insurance companies Hey c'mon dude not cool donald trump Wohooo! Y'all should attack buildings more often david s goyer So from here -henry is arrested and imprisoned by the A.R.G.U.S - the teraforming causes radiation which increases the metropolis attacks casualty rate one of whom is jason todd or terry mcginnis whose dear to bruce which sends bruce over the edge - A.R.G.U.S studies on kryptonian technology inadvertently releases braniac who hacks their systems and finds a way to communicate with henry in prison - braniac turns henry against earth to save his race - ben affleck goes darker and does the unexpected by teaming up with lex to destroy henry - at the climax it all falls apart henry is "killed" by a severly injured ben whose too weak to escape police enroute - and A.R.G.U.S discovers bread crumbs leading to atlantis just before the screen goes black zack snyder Hmmm good idea definitely different from the others david s goyer Yea I guess I put a lot of thought into it zack snyder you did WHAT!!! How many times do I have to tell you the number one rule of hollywood david s goyer *sigh* be lazy and prosper zack snyder Exactly now do it all over again but this time hire the 5 year old kid that writes power ranger scripts to help you out moneys not a problem david s goyer Very well sir narrator so........the movie throws it's goodwill in the trash and forgets all about the 'henry owning up to the destruction of metropolis' story, it's been 18 months and somehwere in nairomi africa(man just say somalia) daily planet reporter amy adams is [s]trying to the relevant in an overcrammed movie[/s] interviewing an african warlord for her news story called Africa and how Hollywood sh*ts on it amy adams Okay first question, why are there heavily armed mercenaries surrounding you?do you need such expertise to terrorize defenseless villagers? african terrorist Perhaps I should look into that but I'm way too excited Yay! I love superman comics and my favourite characters are lois lane and her clumsy intern/photographer jimmy olsen micheal cassidy Well this jimmy olsen happens to be a gritty CIA agent who sneaked in a tracking device in my camera yea fool proof plan african terrorist Wow really? YOU'VE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD!!! (Shoots jimmy in the face) callan mulvey The moment we've all be waiting for after all these years of pretending to be friends with you guys has come now let's carelessly kill our customers in iron man 1 style terrorists What why? callan mulvey So we can terrorize the villagers terrorists Can't y'all just stroll over there and murder a f*ckton of people? We won't mind callan mulvey Well we also need to frame henry and make it look like he killed those people To make him look bad so the world hates him and then lex luthor can kill him terrorists Why not just skip to killing henry I mean it's not like you need the worlds permission before you do that callan mulvey You know what? Shut up(murders everyone and leads a raid on a nearby village) zack snyder and to make sure the audience feel the carnage and sorrow, we shall show absolutely non of the raid so the audience are confused for half the movie narrator meanwhile, amy is in a hut with african terrorist whose keeping her alive for no reason amy adams So........ Do you still wanna continue the interview? african terrorist F*ck no b*tch amy adams Oh God you're gonna r*pe me aren't you? oh please don't r*pe me....... hmmm maybe it was a bad idea to send a pretty red head to interview a savage and unpredictable terrorist note to aljazeera's sexy arab journalists african terrorist er I don't wanna r*pe you either since you're henry's girlfriend and I suppose he will be hitting that so I don't think I'm gonna like what I see down there I'm surprised you can still walk straight amy adams So what's going on? african terrorist I don't know I guess this what bad guys do right?Oh sh*t did I just say henry is your boyfriend? henry cavill (Crashes through roof) I don show african terrorist Hey how did you find me? henry cavill I heard amys cry over a thousand miles away african terrorist And you didn't hear me terrorize the villages in this country or shoot micheal cassidy in the freaking face? Real classy henry I guess the world is right to hate you henry cavill Come to think of it how does this my hearing thing work? Since i basically hear the whole world don't I get headaches or something? How do I even think straight? amy adams Hey ladies out there what do you do when you have an all powerful and yet violent boyfriend? You encourage him to be more violent so that one day he gets outta control and tosses you from a f*cking window watch and learn hey babe I want you to kill african terrorist while I watch *licks lips* henry cavill Oh sh*t I got a b*ner(takes african terrorist dude to another continent with his d*ck) amy adams Oh you bad bad boy *sizzles* oh wait my colleague just died have to look sad and shocked but NOT take a leave of absence from work.........ugh henry is such a jerk how do I get home now? To be continued......... 2 Likes
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Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Nobody: 8:38am On Apr 22, 2016 |
LOL. More please!! |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Eapps(f): 9:04am On Apr 22, 2016 |
bataderemi: ((In charlie rose voice)) is it really surprising that a movie about two of the most popular heroes in the world directed by zack snyder could be the one of the most awful movies of 2016? 1 Like |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by brothers(m): 9:56am On Apr 22, 2016 |
Ode I still dey wait for your own film o 1 Like |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by armadeo(m): 7:34pm On Apr 22, 2016 |
Still haven't seen this movie. Am gonna wait for a clear HD download less than 1gb or dstv. No cinema for this movie as critics have murdered it. All in all its not on my wish list. Snape ? Hope that's where you got the moniker. Once again very good analysis and possible destruction of an epic movie How I wish Zack would read this. |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by ElCount: 8:30pm On Apr 22, 2016 |
@Severee as much as this is funny, I have to admit its the truth that movie sucks with the wonder woman exception waiting to see what you have to say about Gal Gadot Imagine superman gets the beating of his life from just about everyone and eventually dies even after visiting the sun. 1 Like |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 11:05pm On Apr 23, 2016 |
@armadeo @elcount My brodas na so we see am o DC don do am again,marvel will be laffing their heads off by now at least it's better than green lantern sha As for wonder woman well her appearance seemed forced and she had little to no impact on the story, the only good thing about this movie is the cinematography and the scores everything else......... 0 |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Johneyhaz: 12:50am On Apr 24, 2016 |
I have forgotten where i heard this..."its like batman vs superman, everybody hate it but they still saw it" I saw the thriller of captain America (civil war) it looks cool..i dey expect |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by ElCount: 5:51pm On Apr 24, 2016 |
severee:Am telling you Marvel will really love this, after all the hype about the movie. Like seriously Superman for example had no business dying in that movie, Wonder woman was already beating the crap outta doomsday and it was only a matter of time b4 she cuts his head off and kicks it back to krypton until superman decided to commit suicide for no reason. (The directors already tried killing him twice already first with Batman then with a Nuke but failed) I really don't get that movie. For me wonder womans appearance was to advertise the wonder womans movie so now they hv our attention hope they won't screw it up 1 Like |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 4:16am On Apr 26, 2016 |
narrator next we see holly hunter a US senator on the balls bursting committee called "the henry cavill balls bursting committee" meet with jesse eisenberg whose playing........... jesse eisenberg Lex f*cking luthor babe, we are just trying to keep up with the DC tradition of picking the wrong people for the wrong parts you know.......... halleberry as catwoman,arnold swarchzenegger as mr freeze ,george clooney as batman hell they almost casted one of the wayan bros as robin and nicholas cage as superman one time pfffft! DC amirite? ............I can sense your disappointment already but don't worry I shall not let you down *disney cartoon villain + pretensious shakespeare mode activated* thou art welcome to thy villain fortress of thy movie, gods falleth from heaven and demons falleth from thy skies as well zack snyder Yea people........ feel the depth and art of this movie audience Zzzzzzzzzz! holly hunter So you called me to your home this better be good jesse eisenberg I've have noticed that thou hateth thy henry cavill and feareth for thy safety of earth so through plot holes of thy hollywood I've foundeth that kryptonite be thy cavills weakness and can be used as a deterrent for he and thy meta human clan out there and all I need is ye permission to importeth thy kryptonite which hath magically appeared in india because..........plot holes holly hunter *long sigh* 1. Shouldn't you be submitting your research to the government for oversight especially as it concerns national freaking security and 2. Couldn't you tell me all these over the phone? jesse eisenberg Hmmmm *flips through shakespeare novel* ahem! Doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love............... And scene audience I'm sooooooo getting a refund zack snyder *clapping* oh God this is definitely what comic book movie fans have been asking for; cartoonish dudes with a bad wig that quotes shakespeare narrator next we are introduced to ben afflecks version of the batman ben affleck hi guys remember how christopher nolan was ashamed of batman comics and decided to change EVERYTHING about it, even his freaking name? Well we are defying bat traditions again simply out of laziness - Apparently now I'm no longer squimish about guns anymore infact all my gadgets look like guns and my car shoots people - I don't kill people but I skillfully outsource the killing of criminals to violent prisoners I call it the bat branding pretty cool huh? - I still suck at being the worlds greatest detective - and oh now I see visions apparently who would have thought? so now that I've run that by you people let's do the usual batman scenes that we see in every batman movie,usual scene one;I scare the sh*t outta policemen and make them talk about me like they are talking about an urban legend or something(tricks a policeman into almost blowing his partners head off). damn it! That would have made my night jeremy irons Hey master ben so I borrowed a metal suit from tony stark and I'm mending it into a bat exo-skeleton you know...... just incase you battle a powerful alien at the end of this movie and I've also worked on your voice modulator so you don't sound awful like christian bales batman I don't get it what's all the hype with batmans voice? Can't her just speak normally? ben affleck isn't that the luscious job? jeremy irons Yep? ben affleck And I just looked up imdb and it says you are playing alfred whose is supposed to be fixing me some dinner, holy sh*t I'm as hungry as a motherf*cker right now.........anyway I visited a prostitute warehouse and questioned a dude who works for callan mulvey aka the kgbeast and he laughed his head off cause he didn't know KGBeast was in this movie till he looked it up on wikkipedia so I got pissed branded him out of annoyance jeremy irons yea I guess in an overcrammed ambitious movie like this callan is just gonna be another unnamed thug just like dead shot in dark knight rises....... And come to think of it isn't he a gun for hire? ben affleck Yea? And he is sneaking a dirty bomb into gotham(nose sprouts like pinnochio) jeremy iron Well why don't you buy the dirty bomb from him and save yourself the trouble or notify CTU so they can interrogate his a*ss or beef up security at the docks or something problem solved ben affleck f*ck you man we need to stretch this mystery over 2hours and 30minutes okay? Now if you excuse me I have to totally turn this movie into a james bond flick narrator back in metropolis amy adams is taking a bath while thinking about the lives lost in nairomi(man just say somalia) henry cavill Hey why the frowny face my love? amy adams They said you killed those people in africa henry cavill Babe I don't give a f*ck about what happened in metropolis or nairomi(man just say somalia) I don't give a f*ck about the widows I've created or about the billions of dollars in property damage all I care about is shoving my man of steel up in your lois lane amy adams oh sex! yep that's definitely how to help someone who had a traumatic experience zack snyder Ok so we have to give amy adams something to do even though it leads to nothing in the movie.........oh I know why don't you go investigate the bullet in your diary that's definitely something the audience want to see narrator at the daily planet henry cavill an intern without university education has suddenly being bumped up to news column writer even though he sucks at his job and is hardly at the office laurence fishburn hey henry you are terrible at your job henry cavill Look at whose talking, you just allowed an unguarded amy adams (who almost died a few scenes ago) to go interrogate the US army about supplying weapons and ammunition to african terrorists laurence fishburn Well if you don't have a bunch of assassins hunting your a*ss or a gang of lawyers suing you for libel or whatever then you ain't doing it right, so what's your excuse why are you writing about ben whose in gotham? henry cavill Because he is dangerous? laurence fishburn Only to criminals henry cavill But he's trampling on the rights of the citizens laurence fishburn Well when you choose the life of crime, you actually lose your rights and privileges don't you agree? henry cavill And people are living in fear laurence fishburn Yea I suppose that's why they shine the bat signal in the sky besides no one lives in gotham as you've seen so far henry cavill Yea seriously, extras department what's the deal with empty gotham? I hope this isn't because an epic fight is gonna take place there and they don't want audience b*tching about endagering peoples lives and sh*t laurence fishburn You know what's weird though? you're superman you can hear all the distress of the world and resolve them all at the same time within the fraction of a second without even breaking a sweat Which kills two birds with a stone, 1 being that you get the front seat view to a ton of stories and 2 being that it may change the worlds opinion about you so why chase ben? henry cavill Er Super who now? laurence fishburn Wait I'm supposed to not know you are superman simply because of your geeky glasses and nothing else? for godsakes dude you are both the same height, same build,same hair and eye color and you both make out with amy adams henry cavill O_o I have no idea what you are talking about I'm just a small town boy from smallville and that's why I sound like a brit faking an american accent and nothing like the farm boy I claim to be(nose sprouts like pinnochio) laurence fishburn Anyway stop with the ben affleck stories from now on you cover sports that's why you shall attend a non sports function hosted by non sports person jesse eisenberg that surprise surprise has ben affleck in it see ya! To be continued...... 1 Like |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Nobody: 6:29pm On Apr 26, 2016 |
LMAO!! Only d 1st line got me cracking up. U just know this. is. gonna. be. GOOD. Take it away severee!! Still haven't seen this one |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 6:39am On Apr 27, 2016 |
shockwave91: You haven't seen it? Lucky you the movie is a nightmare Imagine zack snyder that directed dawn of the dead and 300 and even watchmen david s goyer that wrote the dark knight and two of the most iconic superheroes in the world fighting each other, how they messed this up continues to be a mystery |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Nobody: 10:58am On Apr 27, 2016 |
severee: Hahahaha! Imma still see it tho. Seems d movie made d same mistakes as age of ultron only dis time worse. Let's not gve D. Goyer 2 much praise now, dat guy is sh*t. His dark knight scpit only mame sense cus of d Nolan bros. & besides i tot it was "an oscar winner" who re-wrote dis movie. *sigh* i was really looking 4ward to dis one it seems all dis CBMs r bcoming garbage. Oh..... & i can't wait to see how u do..... *whispers* "martha" |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by forreelinc(m): 12:28pm On Apr 27, 2016 |
shockwave91:Loooool save marthaaaaaa! @op I wan c what you'll say abt batman's pangolo suit
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Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 6:03pm On Apr 28, 2016 |
narrator holly hunter visits jesse eisenberg again jesse eisenberg Why does thou giveth me thy f*ck me eyes does thou not knoweth that thou is being creepy especially as thou be old enough to be my mother? holly hunter Ew I'm not flirting with you I'm just trying to look sexy and empowered or isn't that how U.S female Politicians act? I'm looking your way sarah palin jesse eisenberg er ew! Have ye looked in a mirror lately? holly hunter *gasp* why you little........ That's it I'm rejecting your import license now I shall make a gross analogy about piss and tea then I shall bid you farewell jerk!(Walks away) holly's assistant Ahem! I can give you access to the kryptonian spacecraft and micheal shannons body jesse eisenberg Er should all that not be in thy military possession in thy area 51 or something? I mean it's not something ye junior senators will haveth access to , for a movie which takes thy self seriously it is astonishly how highly unrealistic it is holly's assistant I will get you all you need and provide you with free workspace to f*ck around with the corpse of an alien who almost killed us all but on one condition jesse eisenberg Which is? holly's assistant Awkwardly feed me a candy and you've got yourself a deal narrator meanwhile lois meets with harry lennix from man of steel harry lennix Hello amy (who I owe my promotion to) what can I do for you besides be a total b*tch and waste your time? amy adams Is the american military supplying harry lennix hehehe no we are not but we believe cavill is their sponsor and supplies them with lex corp arms and ammunition cause we have feathers for brains you see......... Now go make yourself useful and jump off a building so cavill can save you and give the audience a little action scene amy adams Ok why don't you analyze this bullet for me it came from that raid in harry lennix Okay fine I shall investigate and get to the bottom of this case that no one gives a crap about narrator next we see scoot mcnairy who is now confined to a wheel chair and mad at a henry cavill statue scoot mcnairy Grrrr! I'm in a wheel chair and I hate henry and I want to get back at him so I shall............DEFACE A HENRY CAVILL'S STATUE MUAHAHAHAHA! Of course I'm a m*ron so I'll totally do it in the full glare of the laziest policemen in america lazy policemen Dude put down that spray can scoot mcnairy Hey calm down let me just spray 'false god' and the superman logo then I'll get down lazy policemen Ok hurry up you've got 60minutes narrator next we see ben affleck in an underground fight club spying on callan ben affleck Yep it's me famous billionaire and philantrophist ben affleck out here in this obviously illegal gambling joint making eye contact with a paranoid mercenary who just went on a mass murder spree that's certainly a good idea, hey callan! calvin mulley What? ben affleck So here's the thing I know you are a mercenary and you are doing jesse eisenbergs bidding so how about we go out back and I smash your hands with a hammer and you reveal to me what you're helping him with calvin mulley Well if we do that, it will make us an action scene short so just clone my phone by placing your phone on the table next to my phone even though you don't know my number or even if I brought a phone with me........ what makes you think it's my phone you are cloning and not the bartenders or someone else in the room? And how come cloning a phone takes seconds especially when there are a bunch of stuff on it? ben affleck Dude shut up I cloned your phone okay? Now go wait in the next action scene jeez! narrator then ben heads back to the bat cave ben affleck Hi lucious..... I mean alfred I mean who are you playing again? jeremy irons Er alfred? your burtler? ben affleck My point exactly. don't you ever get to do anything interesting in this movie apart from sit around the computer and yan ballz to me all day........oh by the way here's your coffee? Really? I'm bringing alfred coffee? jeremy irons So I totally saw a chat between jesse eisenberg and callan about a white portuguese it sounds like a thing or a place I'm guessing you could ask google ben affleck Oh it's definitely a dude cause I'm that much of a racist and a bad detective jeremy irons *rolling eyes* alright fine how about you go [s]abduct jesse eisenberg and drug/interrogate him into telling you who the white portugese is[/s] spy on jesse eisenberg as it turns out he invited you to a 'spy on my house' dinner part so I shall begin booking your flight ben affleck Nah in this movie metropolis is just a few feet away from gotham I can even spit that far DC nerds what da f*ck ben affleck Oh yea james bond I mean ben affleck out To be continued...... 1 Like |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by parrotibaba(m): 7:19pm On Apr 28, 2016 |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 6:08pm On Apr 30, 2016 |
narrator next at the daily planet laurence fishburne is once again giving henry sh*t laurence fishburne SO............ I asked you to........... write about sports*flash and spectacle* and you do the batman *takes deep breath* story huh? henry cavill O_o dude chill out you just have about 11 lines in this movie I don't think anyone is here to watch an overweight black dude scream at superman laurence fishburne Oh yea? What if I do this(rips henry's article in two) this half is for my shoes and the other half is for my a*ss henry cavill [s]grrrr you wouldn't dare I hate working here I quit afterall I can always take this to a blogger or something[/s] *shakes head like a teenage kid scolded by his high school's team coach* laurence fishburne You know what's weird? henry cavill you have absolutely diddly squat significance to this movie and perhaps this worthless five minutes could be invested in the characters that actually matter like say superman and batman? laurence fishburne wow dude innaprops.......... Anyway what I meant was you could always punch ben through a wall or something and end his "reign of terror" what do you need us for? Your motivation for fighting ben is even more senseless than ben's motivation to fight you henry cavill Jesus! why do you keep calling me superman? laurence fishburne Cause you make absolutely no effort to disguise your self properly, I'm surprised the police haven't done a line up for superman with you on it. henry cavill I'm telling you I'm not super..... oh hey so I've got to er take.... a.... sh*t I mean a call I mean take out the trash? Shoot I should come up with better excuses when dashing out for super hero biz........anyway BRB laurence fishburne Yea sure like no one will get suspiscious when they notice you aren't in the loo, note to superheroes when you wanna work do it after your regular job I'm looking your way flash and green arrow narrator so ben totally travels 3minutes interstate to metropolis and infiltrates jesses party as the philantrophic billionaire that was all over the papers for rescuing a ton of people during the famous man of steel climax, he does such an awesome job of being stealthy that he is spotted immediately he hops out of his car henry cavill Hmmm with all the hot glamourous and flashy socialites at this event I only chose to notice a crappily dressed brooding dude whose that? waka pass oh so you know about the batman but not ben affleck I see? henry cavill Well yea aint no crime waka pass And all your years in america living in gothams twin city I assume you've been living under a rock or something henry cavill waka pass And I suppose you don't read the papers since he was almost made time man of the year when he rescued some of his workers while you trashed all of metropolis henry cavill why does everyone keep calling me superman? waka pass Oh we ain't supposed to know? it ain't our fault they never specified if your identity was secret in this movie ok? narrator so ben walks into the hall where jesse does cartoon character impersonations........ And oh gal gadot is here looking as suspicious as f*ck ben affleck Ugh! This party sucks balls time to use the gps in my head to find jesses server room and cram a sh*t ton of data into a flash drive under 30seconds *humming james bond theme* jeremy irons Ahem! Wrong franchise ben you're batman remember? henry cavill Wait what? I totally used my super hearing to find out that ben is batman and is obviously up to something......I'll get to that as soon as jesse finishes his sketch comedy it's so hilarious narrator ben shows his awesome ninja-like stealthiness by GETTING CAUGHT BY TAO OKAMOTO tao okamoto Er ben entrepreneur/jesses business rival affleck, what are you doing in jesses camera-less server room with confidential information for lexcorp? audience Oh my sh*t I just checked imdb and tao okamoto is playing mercy graves, luthor's bad a*ss hench woman I bet we will be getting some japanese martial arts stunts no wonder they got a jap to play her *gets a fanboy b*ner* ben affleck hey lady I like your shoes tao okamoto *blushing*Awwwwn thank you, take as much time as you like and steal as much as you want(leaves the room) ben affleck Yep that works everytime audience *lose fanboy b*ners* narrator ben is blocked by henry on his way back to the hall henry cavill [s]I totally know you are the batman so I wanna take you by the ear and drag you to a nearby police station then I'll proceed to write the exclusive of you being the batman and get a promotion probably[/s] hey ben let's talk about our citys superhero reps you know the way football fans argue whose team is better ben affleck Ok........... your hero sucks his suit is really ugly and makes him look totally gay henry cavill And your hero stuffs himself with all these gadgets just to battle street thugs ben affleck well your heros story in this movie was stolen from the superhero comedy flick hancock henry cavill *gasp* how dare you? Well your heros origin story of bats floating him out of a cave is totally aquaman sh*t ben affleck henry cavill jesse eisenberg Hey guys glad to see how you are getting along *snickering* bat sorry I mean ben meet super.......cavill I guess you two are getting to know....... each....... other if you know what I mean? ben affleck And what happened to your pretensious shakespeare theatrics? jesse eisenberg yea I got tired .........now I'm doing my character from rio oh by the way have you met gal god I mean gadot? ben affleck Oh that reminds me I've got to go take a leak in your server room jesse I'll brb narrator the movie gets more james bond as mystery girl gal gadot steals the flash drive she didn't see ben plant ben affleck Hey why are you stealing the info I stole from jesse? gal gadot Cause jesse has an embarassing selfie of me that I'm trying to destroy ben affleck O_o by stealing a copy from me? gal gadot Yea I don't really know that much about computers cause it's been encrypted and I couldn't open it ben affleck lady it's 2016 I doubt there is hardly a computer illiterate out ther....... Oh I forgot zack snyder hates women, I wonder what you were gonna do if you didn't get my flash drive? Would you have stolen his whole house or something gal gadot Well in all fairness I'm 10X stronger than any human and I've lived for 5 milleniums ben affleck Rrrrrrrrrr! So tell me do you bleed? gal gadot And that's how you hit on chicks? No wonder you're single and bitter ben affleck and that just cost you relevance to the plot now go wait for me at the movies finale I've got to rendevouz with callan in an action scene narrator then we see an audience Cool an irrelevant scene I guess I can hit the restroom now harry lennix really classy guys anyway so amy I just examined the bullets fragments and surprise surprise it's from lexcorp.........now take your bullet fragment back and f*ck yourself with it amy adams Wait aren't you going to at least produce this as evidence that perhaps henry didn't commit the mass murder? harry lennix Hell no, you know how hard it was for a black dude to be secretary ain't gonna ruin it by getting to bottom of this now if you excuse me I've got to go rehearse for my next scene which sees me sitting on my hands and being a totally incompetent secretary of defence, a quality that keeps you in the job bye amy adams Ugh! narrator next we are shown a montage of cavill saving a little girl from a fire in mexico and then looking all sexy about it while the mexicans worship him like a god?(Racist DC), then we see him working out with a NASA rocket, then we see him working out again by dragging a vessel across ice then we see him taking his sweet time to inspect his 'S' distress logo on a flood victims roof top all in sloooooooooooow mooooooooo audience Jesus! Hey zack you wanna lay off the pain and sorrow surrounding this movie damn! It's even more depressing than watchmen suicide squad Gulp! henry cavill Yea so I just saved a bunch of a*sses I bet the world loves me now World Reverse time back to pre man of steel and you've got yourself a deal henry cavill mommy diane lane Awww baby you aren't a bad guy henry cavill But they say I'm a jerk and I've no regard for property damage and I break the rules diane lane Those aren't true my love they are just hating on you cause you are fly (nose sprouts like pinnochio) audience Hey how come that fat dude from that ihop hasn't totally come out to tell the world supermans real identity? zack snyder Nah he won't do that he's a man of honor I mean it's part of the bully code To be continued....... |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Nobody: 12:28am On May 01, 2016 |
severee:hello bro where can I download the movie free... please help with link. |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Gebbson007(m): 1:41am On May 01, 2016 |
severee:go watch deadpool u go shake head . |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Gebbson007(m): 1:44am On May 01, 2016 |
ion fink superman died Cux twrds d ending part I cld c sand on his casket going up sm sort f gravity. |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 5:30am On May 01, 2016 |
Tosinex: bros na wa for u o so you o dash them ya money small na, just kidding I actually watched it on someones laptop so I don't rly know but I think if you google "batman v superman dawn of justice"(3gp or mp4) something should come up @gebbson007 yea superman came back to life his heart beat made the dirt levitate or some sh*t, according to zack it's supposed to be a cliff hanger as if we beg am |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Gebbson007(m): 1:08pm On May 01, 2016 |
severee:I tot as much.if superman dies DC is finished |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Nobody: 1:37pm On May 01, 2016 |
severee:OK thanks. |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 8:28pm On May 03, 2016 |
narrator next we see ben affleck trying to decrypt the file he stole from jesse then he starts tripping balls or having a thor-like vision but who knows? It's not like anyone bothers to explain anything in this movie ben affleck Um why am I wearing a trench coat in a Play station 3 desert?(A truck pulls in front of him) weapons dealer Hey dude wanna buy some black market guns? ben affleck Yea well on a normal basis I would have tossed a bat-grenade into this truck and totally broken your arm but it's a dream so it's ok to be a hypocrite weapons dealer Psyche! We're undercover cavill-cops and we are here to kill the resistance you are leading ben affleck Hmmm I guess I'm a total *diot in my dreams too alright where's my lightsabre? weapons dealer What? ben affleck I mean This totally looks like a set from star wars and since this a dream I guess I can use their props disney will be totally cool with it I promise weapons dealer Just so you know this is the home of darkseid after his death and deposition by henry whose gone bad for some reason and now you are leading a rebellion and we are....... ben affleck Totally stealing from starwars and the MCU I mean jesus we are totally teaming up to fight darkseid? Why not just call it the DC copycat universe And why are there gigantic insects everywhere? Did I just snap a guys neck? And overdose another guy on bullets? Jesus how did this movie get PG rat.....(Is knocked out by insect) oh wait the insects work for henry too? But I just saw them carrying away henrys foot soldiers like a buffet, well it's a dream I guess any crap goes narrator next ben is still stuck in his dream as henry cavill Just in case the audience are confused about me being good or bad I shall laser-eye f*ck some of my lieutenants for no reason, now ben she was my world? ben affleck Who your mom? henry cavill *shrugs* I dunno It's not in the script Any way you took her away from me. ben affleck did I kill her? henry cavill what part of ITS NOT IN THE SCRIPT are you not getting right now? Sh*t(proceeds to give ben a super hand job) ben affleck hey dude cut that out that tickles (wakes up) holy f*ck a 3D movie ezra miller No you m*ron I'm stealing the thor vision scene from avengers 2, now make sure you save her she is the key(disappears) ben affleck Jesus christ! Couldn't you write your message on a paper and show it to me or perhaps take a deep breath and explain what the sh*t is going on? See Now I'm just gonna ignore your message and give jeremy sh*t for dropping LSD in my coffee or something,oh wait jesse's files have been decrypted and there's a picture of a lady who fairly resembles gal and could easily pass for her grand mom so why did she pull that stunt at jesses party? jeremy irons What's up sir? ben affleck So I just found the white portuguese which is totally a vessel jeremy irons no sh*t, anyway I just used my super powers of 'plot acceleration' to decipher that there's no dirty bomb on that ship ben affleck Like duh! Who would want to buy a dirty bomb in america when we've got like a tonne of them, callan is carrying a rock which is capable of weakening kryptonian cells, how I know this or how I know calvin is from a planet called krypton is not necessary so I'm gonna steal the rock and kill henry with it jeremy irons Because he trashed your building? I thought the terraforming did that? ben affleck Screw him he is a threat jeremy irons just because they say so on tv? never took you to be a sucker for media propaganda ben affleck *rolling eyes* ok fine it's in the title man we are supposed to fight now if you excuse me, I've got a date with callan at the gotham docks and how I know when exactly he will be there is also not necessary narrator scoot mcnairy is bailed from jail by jesse eisenberg scoot mcnairy Hey jesse why did you bail me out of jail? jesse eisenberg yea I bailed you from prison cleaned you up and got you charles xaviers vintage wheelchair Just because it's tuesday I'm so up to nothing(nose sprouts like pinnochio) narrator callan and his goons who just happen to be russian because racism never gets old in hollywood are at the docks callan mulvey Yea we've totally bribed the guards of the docks and we've sealed the rock in lexcorp crates and loaded them into lexcorp trucks to avoid suspicion audience So why exactly are you armed to the teeth with assault rifles and rocket launchers? callan mulvey *shrugs* I guess it's something bad guys do I mean I never go to the bathroom without carrying an AK-47 with me ben affleck Yea I showed up in my bat suit to place a tracker on a lexcorp truck rather than just tailing them with a bat drone or something audience Oh that's smart perhaps you can find out where they drop the kryptonite and you stealthily snatch it from them ben affleck nah! screw it *typical batman action scene 2; the car chase* hey how exactly did I sneak my bat mobile into the docks with all the security around? Anyway........ yea take that for sneaking kryptonite into gotham(brutally smashes car killing everyone in it), f*ck my morality code(shoots the f*ck out of an suv killing everyone in it) and this is just for sh*ts and giggles(smashes the ships and trashes the property of innocent people) yea I live for this sh*t.... oh f*ck henry cavill is here I shall mow him with my awesome weaponized resilent epic bat mobile narrator henry crashes the car with his d*ck callan mulvey Thanks (escapes) henry cavill So I just saw a bunch of russian thugs shooting a sh*t ton of bullets and rockets at you and so I decided you should be stopped ben affleck What? That's bullsh*t man they were clearly attacking me first c'mon henry cavill *rolling eyes* Okay fine I'll let you off with a warning don't make me regret it ben affleck Hey wait! Whose gonna pay for the damage to my car? C'mon you wrecked it.......grrrrrr! I'm gonna find you and ki...... Oh sh*t wrong script I meant I'm gonna make you bleed To be continued...... |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by Tobyshegz(m): 12:54am On Jun 02, 2016 |
ElCount: The movie is actually loosely made according to the comic book, superman (vol 2). Superman fought with Doomsday and they both died, of which various cloned and superman look-alikes started to reign (example is super-boy). Dawn of justice is just one of those movies that just wanna try do more than they can— of which i think they tried except for that lex luthor part were i think he should have being a bald guy from the beginning). N.S- Superman body was taken by project cadmus which was later stolen from him by "The last son of krypton* According to wikipedia: In actuality, the Last Son of Krypton stole Superman's body and put it in a regeneration matrix in the Fortress of Solitude, drawing on his recovering energies to power himself, as bright light blinded him. It is revealed that the Last Son is, in actuality, the Eradicator, an ancient Kryptonian weapon, and the Cyborg is the deranged consciousness of Hank Henshaw , which used Superman's birthing matrix to create a physical duplicate of his body. The regeneration matrix broke open, and the original Superman emerged, greatly depowered, but alive. I guess you clear now. |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by forreelinc(m): 7:22pm On Jun 22, 2016 |
Tobyshegz: me my own problem is why is wonda woman not sexy in this movie flat ass flat breast which kind film be dis? Them no see them mates civil war? Sexy gals yapa for there mtchew |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by severee(m): 10:33am On Jul 29, 2016 |
narrator callan mulvey brings the kyptonite to jesse jesse eisenberg what da f*ck happened to my delivery truck? Were drag racing with it again? And where are your hommies? Are they on goons strike again? callan mulvey Well er jesse eisenberg Psyche! I don't care about all these or the trail your smuggling left behind that could lead the cops to me all I care about is my newly acquired kryptonite.......now shove it in this show glass so ben can come steal it later callan mulvey Wait you wanted ben to have it? Then why didn't you dump it at his door step or instruct us to toss it off the truck when he was killing our a*sses? jesse eisenberg dude it's been over an hour already in this confusing movie are you still asking questions? callan mulvey I guess not narrator so ben Repair damaged bat-mobile back to his batcave which is kind of hilarious ben affleck Grrrr! Henry wrecked my bat mobile oh I'm gonna show him I'm gonna make him bleed jeremy! Jeremy!! Get your old wrinkled a*ss out here jeremy irons What? ben affleck Why the f*ck were you radio-silenced when my batmobile was getting sh*tfaced? jeremy irons boy you don't talk to me like that! Now go fix me a cup of coffee 3 creams 4 sugars ASAP! ben affleck Yes sir jeremy irons And while you are at it,abandon the "hunt for henry" plot and go about your life normally ben affleck buh I wanna........... jeremy irons Boy you wanna get slapped into another planet? ben affleck no sir narrator meanwhile in metropolis it finally dawns on henry that he's a jerk and everyone is right to hate him henry cavill Amy I've finally realized that I'm a jerk and everyone is right to hate me amy adams Like duh you totally trashed two military drones and an american city which you've not apologized for by the way plus everyone is in the dark about who you are and what your mission on earth is I mean why did micheal shannon want you so badly? Were you a fugitive on krypton? Or a dual personality schizophrenic? Or a kryptonian spy who betrayed micheal to deceive us? Its no surprise they hate you if there's any surprise it's that they built a monument for you while hating you at the same time zack snyder Contradictions...... That's the snyder trademark henry cavill Trust me a b*tch slap isn't something you'll want from a guy like me amy adams Ok fine how about you organize a press conference like tony stark did at the end of ironman 1 you could explain your mission on earth and apologize for the mess you've made so far henry cavill That's a good idea but what I need is a dumb idea so let's go over it again amy adams Well you could track down the casualty from the metro attacks and help them get closure with the whole incident henry cavill Still a good idea amy adams Okay rebuild metropolis henry cavill Go dumb amy adams Reverse time henry cavill Dumber amy adams Hang up your cape and keep your promise to kevin costner henry cavill Dumber amy adams Don't know what to say man except you wanna go on one of em "grill your a*ss tribunals" which are totally biased and can make the world hate you even more henry cavill Hmmm I'll do that amy adams Yea...... wait what henry cavill Yea I mean what totally destroyed dr manhattan in watchmen will definitely work in my favour right? Thanks hun narrator somehow henry sends the word out that he'll seat with senator holly or senator holly has been holding empty hearings everyday since she reached out to henry or let's just say henry chose to appear at a hearing that holly coincidentally held for henry .....anyway holly bumps into jesse jesse eisenberg Hi holly holly hunter Quick arrest him jesse eisenberg Arrest me? Why? holly hunter Your jesse eisenberg Damn I must have really scrooged her over on the bribe for her to pick jail just to get back at me, anyway I gotta go get my prison shoes BRB holly hunter Ok jesse eisenberg Enjoy your hot seat holly hunter Huh? jesse eisenberg A hot seat for a really hot lady *snickering* holly hunter Wait you're not gonna blow up this hearing to cover your tracks are you? jesse eisenberg What? Me? HELL no holly hunter *scowls* narrator so henry appears before a hearing just in time for the hall to go BOOM!! zack snyder Nah this doesn't scream zack snyder let's combine two scenes , play a suspense score and build up to the hall exploding larry fong O_o you mean like dark knight when heath ledger went around whacking the participants of the money laudering case against eric roberts? zack snyder *sigh* yea narrator in the build up we see the holly hunter So henry this is how we approach things here on earth henry cavill you do know I grew up on earth right? I mean you totally heard micheal shannon announce it and all holly hunter Ok ok now what we are going to do here is..........wait is that pee? Gross who put pee on my table how did they sneak this past security so easily that's so gross where's jesse? narrator everyone suddenly goes silent and appear to be in deep thought scoot mcnairy Hmmm my wheel chair is getting hot tao okamoto Hmmm I just noticed I haven't said sh*t in this movie henry cavill[b] Wait are we out of milk at home [b]narrator then zack being a genius pumps life into the theatre with a nuclear bomb explosion which takes out the whole town hall audience Wait all that came from a guys wheel chair? This explosion actually looks like a jumbo fighter jet dropped it zack snyder Well I bet everyone here was successfully shocked audience Yea shocked that a kick-a*ss character like mercy graves was totally wasted do you read comics at all? zack snyder d*ck nuts henry cavill Ugh! Not another explosion this better not have wrecked my suit......oh wait I'm fine, it was nice chatting with y'all survivors Helppppppp mmmme henry cavill Oh right I still do those(helps out survivors) fire fighter You are a hero man henry cavill Awww thanks dude news Who did this? fire fighter Henry did it henry cavill why I outta....... To be continued..... |
Re: Swing And A Miss: Batman V Superman(dawn Of Justice) by friendlyadvice: 5:15pm On Jul 29, 2016 |
Hehe obviously tonyspike and kryptonian1987 have not seen this or them for don pounce on you by now |
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