I am married with two children.The marriage is about 12 years old.My wife was doing nothing when I married her.I took care of the family as a responsibly husband and also my wife's relations.Things went flat when I had a change of job.I resigned.The little money I had I rented a shop for my wife,where she sales wares.Ever since she started that business she become completely self centered. Even when I had no job I was able to keep one of the children in school with stress written over me.I never mind.Now I have a job.The family's responsibility has increased yet she does no assist in any specific expenses.I buy specifically everything up to oil.I pay school fees down to buying launch for the children almost on daily basis since she hardly prepare launch even when they are food items to use.She nags each time I ask for her assistance. please your kindid advice is needed as I am feed up with marriage.I will appreciate if this thread is moved to front page

nhmmmmm..your wife is not a bad person but from what you have written,your wife has a faulty upbringing.some women actually thinks that they shoudnt support their husband at all financially.and you cant beat it into her.what you should do is to talk to her mother.only her mum can bring her bck to normal.secondly keep praying for her and hope she changes.

Maybe you should ask her how much she gets from the shop. She might even be making a loss.

Try and let her know that it's not wrong for a woman to contribute to her own home. You're the breadwinner but even at that, she should help out if she can since the pressure is too much for you. It's her family too na. Hian!!!

Oga, if you have managed this for 12 years,I think you won't die if you continue.

Remember it is not all rosy.

Every marriage has its ups and downs and yours is a tip of the ice berg compared to what other men go through.

My advice...Endure this for plus or minus ten years more and you will live a longer life.

Besides this is not enough reason to say you are fed up.

Continue to endure this please for the sake of peace.

One partner must pretend to be nuts for peace and love to reign.

Don't let it get to you bro...

Call her and talk to her in a gentle way. Her upbringing could be playing a big major role in all these that a man MUST provide everything (including matches) for the family. Relationship is a talking thing bro.

Mr, in all things give thanks. Thank God for your luvly family, for the job and good health. If you are able to take care of all the bills continue. If she doesn't want to help, you can't force it. Marriage is for better for worse.

If this is the only problem your wife has, you can live with it. Just continue to try your best for yourself and children. Once in a while, buy something for her when you can. No harm in loving. One day she will come to her senses and see the light.God will continue to bless you

I am of d believe that women shld help financially BUT women are not obligated to. It is meant to be free willed. If u can talk to her, ask her to help u, fine otherwise, let her be pls. It's no woman's responsibility to pay d bills,nits loving to do so, but not compulsory. Sorry.

Some women sha, just continue and let her cater for her own needs by herself. I wonder how some feel Ok with their husbands crushing under financial responsibilities.

Still can't phantom y many wives behave in such manner

Maybe your wife is looking at things from the traditional perspective that states that men are the sole provider.

You should let her know that we are in the modern era and women also contributes' to the success of the home.
Let her know you rented the shop for her so she can assist not for her to be hiding her money.
Tell her the difficulties you are facing,
She is suppose to understand.

And lastly, assist her in the house also,team work is the best.

I'm of the belief that in marriage, both husband and wife should be helpmates to each other. It is believed that traditionally, men are to foot all the bills while women are to take care of the kids and the homes. However, to anyone who sees his/her spouse as helpmate, such belief is annulled and they both help each other in their traditional marital roles.

So, op, how cooperative are you when it comes to assisting in the home chores? If you have been very cooperative, and she still refuses to assist you in financing the home, then, to me, she seems to be selfish and inconsiderate. But if you're uncooperative, believing that home chores are solely the wife's responsibility, leaving her to do everything, then, you have no right to complain, you're being paid back in your own coins.

Continue footing your bills, while she continues her traditional roles.

mindfulness and bukatyne

Food don done

misreal:
nhmmmmm..your wife is not a bad person but from what you have written,your wife has a faulty upbringing.some women actually thinks that they shoudnt support their husband at all financially.and you cant beat it into her.what you should do is to talk to her mother.only her mum can bring her bck to normal.secondly keep praying for her and hope she changes.

This post has your answer OP, i endorse it. Talk to her mom or someone from her immediate fam.

raumdeuter:
mindfulness and bukatyne

Food don done

greatgod2012:
I'm of the belief that in marriage, both husband and wife should be helpmates to each other. It is believed that traditionally, men are to foot all the bills while women are to take care of the kids and the homes. However, to anyone who sees his/her spouse as helpmate, such belief is annulled and they both help each other in their traditional marital roles.

So, op, how cooperative are you when it comes to assisting in the home chores? If you have been very cooperative, and she still refuses to assist you in financing the home, then, to me, she seems to be selfish and inconsiderate. But if you're uncooperative, believing that home chores are solely the wife's responsibility, leaving her to do everything, then, you have no right to complain, you're being paid back in your own coins.

Continue footing your bills, while she continues her traditional roles.

I think there is a problem as OP claimed his wife doesn't prepare lunch for the kids when food is available..

This is beyond each person sticking to his/her roles.

@hohafrank:

What do she contribute in the marriage?

yvelchstores:
I am of d believe that women shld help financially BUT women are not obligated to. It is meant to be free willed. If u can talk to her, ask her to help u, fine otherwise, let her be pls. It's no woman's responsibility to pay d bills,nits loving to do so, but not compulsory. Sorry.

You are the kind of woman I advise men to steer clear of. Whose responsibility is it to pay bills? So if your husband was struggling like the op, you would say it isn't compulsory for you to help?
@OP, when we tell you guys to marry self-sufficient women who know what it means to maintain a family, you guys pump your chests and claim that as African men you should be 100% responsible for the bills. This is the end result of holding archaic views on the family.
Well maybe the best solution is for you to stop paying the fees so that when your kids are sent home for owing fees, she would understand that the situation is dire and she needs to step up and contribute towards the upkeep of the family.

Nancy2016:


You are the kind of woman I advise men to steer clear of. Whose responsibility is it to pay bills? So if your husband was struggling like the op, you would say it isn't compulsory for you to help?
@OP, when we tell you guys to marry self-sufficient women who know what it means to maintain a family, you guys pump your chests and claim that as African men you should be 100% responsible for the bills. This is the end result of holding archaic views on the family.
Well maybe the best solution is for you to stop paying the fees so that when your kids are sent home for owing fees, she would understand that the situation is dire and she needs to step up and contribute towards the upkeep of the family.

you making so much sense.

raumdeuter:
mindfulness and bukatyne

Food don done

[quote author=Nancy2016 post=45689324]

You are the kind of woman I advise men to steer clear of. Whose responsibility is it to pay bills? So if your husband was struggling like the op, you would say it isn't compulsory for you to help?
@OP, when we tell you guys to marry self-sufficient women who know what it means to maintain a family, you guys pump your chests and claim that as African men you should be 100% responsible for the bills. This is the end result of holding archaic views on the family.
Well maybe the best solution is for you to stop paying the fees so that when your kids are sent home for owing fees, she would understand that the situation is dire and she needs to step up and contribute towards the upkeep of the family.

On point.

Well I am honored.

Nancy2016:


You are the kind of woman I advise men to steer clear of. Whose responsibility is it to pay bills? So if your husband was struggling like the op, you would say it isn't compulsory for you to help?
@OP, when we tell you guys to marry self-sufficient women who know what it means to maintain a family, you guys pump your chests and claim that as African men you should be 100% responsible for the bills. This is the end result of holding archaic views on the family.
Well maybe the best solution is for you to stop paying the fees so that when your kids are sent home for owing fees, she would understand that the situation is dire and she needs to step up and contribute towards the upkeep of the family.

another marriage wahala >:

Didn't you notice this behavior while courting?

Maybe her biz is not profitable.
Research and print out articles on why husband and wife should help each other.

Kimoni na your people be this

raumdeuter:
Kimoni na your people be this

I bet you no woman, I repeat no woman will be unwilling to help a responsible husband out financially, especially in OP's case where he claims to have been shouldering the responsibilities all alone before now and even set her up in the said business. That alone should tell you we ain't hearing the whole story. The wife alone can tell us what exactly is happening in their home.

- Does the husband hide his salary from her? Some men believe it's a taboo for the wife to know their earnings. Such men are OYO when they get broke
- Like people have suggested, maybe she's actually making a loss from the business but the husband thinks otherwise
- Does he keep girlfriends - if you claim to be broke but still have spare money to throw around, then you are not really broke.
- Maybe, just maybe he was really not as nice when he had a good job.

Honestly, I can only insinuate, the wife would explain her actions better but it's rare to find a woman who would not be willing to fend for her family when she knows the husband is truly incapable. Women are loyal like that

Nancy2016:


Well maybe the best solution is for you to stop paying the fees so that when your kids are sent home for owing fees, she would understand that the situation is dire and she needs to step up and contribute towards the upkeep of the family.

It would surprise you that the woman might not even care. She might sit down and let them stay out of school for months because "it is his responsibility to pay fees".

OP you guys have been together for 12 years, what is there, to not endure again That been said, what you complained about your wife is not peculiar with just her, most women are like that, they believe that the man is the sole provider, hence their tendency to "save" their money while the whole family depends on the man income, irrespective of how meager it might be. Ideally under normal condition, that is what it ought to be. This Is not something you will solve with force, u need to be diplomatic, at 12years(+) of living together u should know her soft spot, and when she would most likely reason with you, then talk to her, make her see reason(s) why she should support you financially, no matter how little, who knows, maybe from little supports, she might decide to pick up more responsibilities, which will depend on on u behave towards her, women are like that.

OP what exactly does your wife say when you ask for assistance?

This is just weird... just last night I was on a thread about men doing chores and some guys here said it's the woman's traditional role and she can't force her husband to. That everyone should be happy with his roles...

I hope they will not come here and speak from both sides of their mouths like clowns sha... I hope they'll tell you to suck it up and pay the bills since providing for the whole family, wife included is Your Traditional Role...

Talk to her in a nice way without pointing out that you opened the shop for her. Show her how much you earn that you really need her assistance in a loving way. Maybe your wife is the stingy type but if she still dosent contribute just make sure you pay the children's school fees. As for the children's lunch leave it for her, I am a mother and no mother will joke with their children stomach. Even if she is stingy she won't let her children go to school without lunch.

Na wa for some women sef o!

What does she now use her money and resources for? A woman should be a help meet. I think this is common with women that have the mentality that a man must provide for everything till his shoe files. It's very embarrassing.

In fact it's worse when you wait till the man is broke before you support. It may not have gotten to that stage if both of you were combining resources.

Still make attempt to talk about your reservations for her attitude. Although 12years is quite sometime and it's her habit already. If she's still adamant, you can only pray for God to empower you to bear those responsibilities.

But then your children are watching and learning. I hope they take the positive side of it.

greatgod2012:
I'm of the belief that in marriage, both husband and wife should be helpmates to each other. It is believed that traditionally, men are to foot all the bills while women are to take care of the kids and the homes. However, to anyone who sees his/her spouse as helpmate, such belief is annulled and they both help each other in their traditional marital roles.

So, op, how cooperative are you when it comes to assisting in the home chores? If you have been very cooperative, and she still refuses to assist you in financing the home, then, to me, she seems to be selfish and inconsiderate. But if you're uncooperative, believing that home chores are solely the wife's responsibility, leaving her to do everything, then, you have no right to complain, you're being paid back in your own coins.

Continue footing your bills, while she continues her traditional roles.

I do not support competition in marriage; the fact that your partner isn't playing their role doesn't mean you should pack up yours. The Christian doctrine doesn't even support this. The instructions for both partners; husband love and wife submit are not conditional of each other.

That's not the best way to deal with issues, do your part and be blameless. Besides comparing domestic/traditional chores with footing all the bills is not realistic to me. Chores can be outsourced not financing.

Biko, use a more valid yardstick, we are not in their marriage, we can only deduce.