Greetings to all NLs.....i think solution to my problem will come from good people of this forum and such will safe me from doing the wrong thing.

It all started wen i was dating my wife of which my fam did not want her as they want me to marry someone else, though they could not tell me to my face why.....Also my wife families did not want her to marry me base on xtian vs Muslim stuff, but we both insisted....after some years we have kids and later we did our wedding witot any assistance from both families i.e. we shoulder it alone......recently, in the night, while she was in her room, PHCN brought light and i was helping her to charge her fon and i saw a guy's number whom they ve been calling each other almost on daily basis, on a normal ground i dont check her fon and she doesnt check mine....but wen i noticed this number, i went straight to chat with d guy, only for the guy to be responding romantically, i pretended as if its my wife behold....d guy was saying ........If i handle you again......I cant belief myself reading such, i quietly dropped the fon, and went to bed, the next morning I confronted her and she said the guy is her friend that nothing attached.....I did not want to escalate the matter for children's record, i went to work, wen i came back i asked her younger one staying with us if she is aware of the guy, she said yes is just a friend to her elder sister......I called my wife again and she was so bold and bragging that whats the big deal in having male friend.........

I noticed he had called the guy wen i was away to work, i dont know what they discussed anyway. I told her not to cook for me anymore and nothing like sex in between us....for some weeks now it has been like this......Now my pains are these:-

I cant report to my family
I cant report to her family too cos the father never attended our wedding he only sent delegates
I dont want to take laws into my own hand cos i feel like pulling down mountain
We married legally and I feel like filing for divorce cos have told her in the beginning that such act is what i cannot forgive in my life
If i divorce, what about my little kids, who will take kia of them cos I know she doesnt have what it take to ?
before i discovered this she told me if she does such i can never find out and i told her if she try it i will surely know

Am totally fed up with the marriage cos there are lots have been enduring, believing its subject to change but for the past 10years no changes.

Please what do you think?

your moniker tells me more about you dear.

as in?

Teensway:
your moniker tells me more about you dear.

10years?
You mean you have been enduring for 10years?

yes...10years but not on cheating level....I just discovered this extramarital stuff some weeks ago

Dyt:
10years?
You mean you have been enduring for 10years?

This one is serious o
Most especially because of the kids
I feel for you my brother.just take it easy

queenoflafia:
This one is serious o
Most especially because of the kids
I feel for you my brother.just take it easy

Am trying but the more am seeing her the more am getting angry cos she believe its normal thing to have male friend. Am still wondering where I went wrong to deserve such.....am paying my bills as normal.

I think you should calm down.
There must have been a reason why you both decided to marry even when the odds were against you.Think back on those times and ask yourself what went wrong.It seems you and your wife grew apart and that is the reason why she is getting attention from another man.
Do you still love your wife and want the marriage?Why don't you find a convenient time to sit with your wife and have a deep talk?Ask each other where you've gone wrong and try to make amends.Make commitment to re-ignite the spark and love at the beginning.

thorpido:
I think you should calm down.
There must have been a reason why you both decided to marry even when the odds were against you.Think back on those times and ask yourself what went wrong.It seems you and your wife grew apart and that is the reason why she is getting attention from another man.
Do you still love your wife and want the marriage?Why don't you find a convenient time to sit with your wife and have a deep talk?Ask each other where you've gone wrong and try to make amends.Make commitment to re-ignite the spark and love at the beginning.

Couldn't have said it better.

@op: no union is without it's challenges. You don't throw in the trowel at the first major hurdle - especially not with kids involved. Besides, you both have coped thus far without family interference - not an easy task - kudos to you.

What you're facing right now are symptoms of existing issue(s) that have gradually cropped up over a period of time with or without your noticing. Your reactions so far are knee jerks. Like Thorpido mentioned, calm down, find a suitable time when you won't be interrupted, and have a deep heart to heart discussion with your wife to get to the root cause of the problem.

Make sure it's a two way discussion where you both LISTEN to each other. No cutting off the other in mid sentence, definitely no shouting. This isn't the time for point scoring and I'm pretty sure you'd be surprised at what might come out of the discussion. Things either of you probably took for granted.

Remember the saying men are from Mars and women from Venus? That's what happens when proper communication wanes or fizzles out in a union. You aren't mind readers so you do need to have this proper talk to iron things out.

Stay calm and all the best.

EfemenaXY:


Couldn't have said it better.

@op: no union is without it's challenges. You don't throw in the trowel at the first major hurdle - especially not with kids involved. Besides, you both have coped thus far without family interference - not an easy task - kudos to you.

What you're facing right now are symptoms of existing issue(s) that have gradually cropped up over a period of time with or without your noticing. Your reactions so far are knee jerks. Like Thorpido mentioned, calm down, find a suitable time when you won't be interrupted, and have a deep heart to heart discussion with your wife to get to the root cause of the problem.

Make sure it's a two way discussion where you both LISTEN to each other. No cutting off the other in mid sentence, definitely no shouting. This isn't the time for point scoring and I'm pretty sure you'd be surprised at what might come out of the discussion. Things either of you probably took for granted.

Remember the saying men are from Mars and women from Venus? That's what happens when proper communication wanes or fizzles out in a union. You aren't mind readers so you do need to have this proper talk to iron things out.

Stay calm and all the best.

Thanks a lot EfemenaXY.....I never want this to get to any of my families, i purposely moved away from them cos of my wife becos they cant withstand her characters and i dont want any one to complain her to me with the hope that with time she will change and we'll understand each other better.....One thing i love doing is to call her in the mid night and let her realize how i felt with her behavious, she will knee down and say am sorry but after 48hrs, same will repeat itself, then wen I take it hot as in shout and threaten to send her away, of cus neighbours will come in and start begging for her, then she will also beg after they must have told her where she is getting it wrong....Then the angel in her will manifest for like a week or 2 thereafter another dimension of same bad character will show up.....I told her one day that is it not better we continue to quarrel so i can get the best out of you, cos that is the only time you behave well........I always ask her to call my attention to any area where am getting it wrong but she has never, not that am perfect but I always ensure i do my best when it comes to my responsibility to her and the kids........There was a time she complain of my poor s3x performance which i made her to realize that am not happy about it too but i guess it was due to the challenges facing at work which she is aware of it....I had to let go of those challenges as soon as i close for work and i started performing beyond her expectation........so calling her again to negotiate is what i dont think i can do cos i cant withstand a cheating partner....not at all...am praying that God should eraze this from my mind o

@OP if you can't easily forgive her please let her go away. I can't withstand cheating wife I can forgive you for anything but not cheating what a mess. the mistake you made was marrying her with her bad characters and hoping she will change afterwards. you make the rule and she don't have any right to cheat on you even though you are having spinal cord problem( God forbid), else she will seek for divorce and let you marry who can tolerate your sexual ability (I know you don't have sexual challenge). it's not every woman that take sex like one big race you must be able to win, for some women if you can impregnate them. they are okay without cheating on you, don't let her make you feel like as if you are not doing enough in bed, she's there eating and watching movies waiting for you to come and be satisfying her after daily stress of trying to make your family happy.
Please friend you don't need to beg her to desist from her wrongs make the rules and give conditions, it's your house especially now that she decided to find solace in another man's arm. Not eating or having sex as a married man in your own house is not lt atall.
it's a total disrespect for a married woman to cheat on her husband. I repeat don't try to persuade her to tell the truth, to promise you to stop adultery, to be of good behaviour or try to work on cementing a better relationship with your family, make the rules and give the order it's your house especially now that she rubbished herself with nonsense.

MicroBox:
@OP if you can't easily forgive her please let her go away. I can't withstand cheating wife I can forgive you for anything but not cheating what a mess. the mistake you made was marrying her with her bad characters and hoping she will change afterwards. you make the rule and she don't have any right to cheat on you even though you are having spinal cord problem( God forbid), else she will seek for divorce and let you marry who can tolerate your sexual ability (I know you don't have sexual challenge). it's not every woman that take sex like one big race you must be able to win, for some women if you can impregnate them. they are okay without cheating on you, don't let her make you feel like as if you are not doing enough in bed, she's there eating and watching movies waiting for you to come and be satisfying her after daily stress of trying to make your family happy.
Please friend you don't need to beg her to desist from her wrongs make the rules and give conditions, it's your house especially now that she decided to find solace in another man's arm. Not eating or having sex as a married man in your own house is not lt atall.
it's a total disrespect for a married woman to cheat on her husband. I repeat don't try to persuade her to tell the truth, to promise you to stop adultery, to be of good behaviour or try to work on cementing a better relationship with your family, make the rules and give the order it's your house especially now that she rubbished herself with nonsense.

You said it all..if OP is sure of the cheating allegation. It's better to let her go. Cheating wife can kill you one day. Thats the truth..

Pray for her to change .


On a more serious note, you really need to sit her down, you both should have a heart to heart talk, so u can get what went wrong and How to fix it. It is well

Mopricelezz:
Pray for her to change .


On a more serious note, you really need to sit her down, you both should have a heart to heart talk, so u can get what went wrong and How to fix it. It is well

wat has prayer got to do in this. as for me cheating is the only sin i cant forgive

gabazin080:
wat has prayer got to do in this. as for me cheating is the only sin i cant forgive

Why naa? Women forgive their cheating partners everyday so it's really not a big deal

Kimoni:


Why naa? Women forgive their cheating partners everyday so it's really not a big deal

Big sis, Thanks for the other time , I really appreciate Emapefunmi

Don't make a hasty decision... Don't rush... That's my first advice. It's easy to say you want to leave her, but think it end to end first

Really feel for you Op.. quite unfortunate. ..
Don't have any advice, just want to wish you the best... please be strong. .

Kimoni:


Why naa? Women forgive their cheating partners everyday so it's really not a big deal

hello

Op, is ur wife working? Some women d best way 2 manage dem is 2 get dem busy with work, so dey can occupy deir minds with work challenges. Set her up, make her feel like a boss, agree on vision, targets & d likes. Ur story sounds like she's one bored house wife, she needs 2 get busy.

Marriages these days...

It's quite difficult to advise from afar but then the essence of marriage is what people miss.
The OP said he pays bills and does normal things a good man should do, fine. I also want to believe that the sex is good. You have kids. A seemingly perfect marriage. But have you examined the major reason for marriage?
The major reason for marriage is companionship. All other things (sex, kids etc) are value added services. Sadly, people marry for added value services. If companionship is intact, no marriage can fail.
Dear, Loveisblind, examine this aspect. It will assist you going in the right direction.

You can get more insight here: https://nifemiolu..com.ng/2016/02/marriage-other-side-and-order-side.html

SSAINTSAMURAI:
hello

Hi

Aminat508:
Big sis, Thanks for the other time , I really appreciate Emapefunmi

Kimoni:
Hi

good evening my lady

@op, talk true, have you ever cheated on her? KARMA may be raising its voice here ooo.

OP, I'm a bit confused. I don't see any where you wrote that you confirmed she is cheating. She only said there's nothing wrong with having a male friend. Is that the basis for your conclusion that she is cheating?

hi pro u seem to be everywhere

gabazin080:
wat has prayer got to do in this. as for me cheating is the only sin i cant forgive

Lol. But if it were to be the man cheating, sheybi some people will say pray for him to change.. So praying for her isn't bad either

Op, heart-to-heart converstaion would save you alot; but seems you are tired of doing it over and over again.

Cheating I know is exteremely difficult to forgive but would tell you one thing, for the sake of your kids, don't give up on her. They need their mum and they deserve to grow up in a united home.

To err is human but to forgive is divine.