Prettiepearlz:
But why did the brother call you a selfish and controlling person? And what about his real mother?

AdaAda1331:
I've been in a relationship for 5 years with a great man; we met very young and we're still in school but almost about to graduate. We love each other and things would be easier if family wasn't involved.

His parents are currently divorced and his father, step mother and brother are very difficult people. They are uncompromising and closed minded. His brother has called me selfish and controlling even before the introduction has taken place.

I'm currently in my early twenties and I will be graduating as a doctor next year and I'm from a very peaceful home. I have not been wayward during school and I'm a christian. Seeing that his family doesn't see my value is very disappointing to say the least. I expected much more because I know I'm worth much more.

When you marry in the Nigerian community, you don't just marry the person, the whole family is involved. I have strong feelings for this man. He has refused to adopt his families negative characteristics. His values and character is more than any mother, future wife or friend can ask for. I'm lucky to have even known him.

Now, I'm at crossroads. I've prayed to God and I do have peace, but my parents are telling me to disregard that relationship and move on because of his family. Is it worth it? Is family a rate limiting step to choosing a spouse? How involved are family members in during marriage? Should I move on?

crackhaus:

Seems like someone is already laying the foundation for the only-me-and-my-husband kind of marriage.



His brother called you selfish and controlling because it was revealed to him in a dream, OR is it because of something you did/how he sees you?



Hello Princess, the only people you're worth something to by default is your family and your God...for every other person out there, you will have to earn it.

What have you done to prove yourself to his family?



I'm glad you realize that you just don't marry a man without the involvement of his family.

However, don't you think there's a problem somewhere if all you can see in his family are their negative characteristics?

Tell us one thing you like about his family, JUST ONE.



Your parents in all their wisdom and at least 20years of experience in marriage have given you their counsel.


You have just three choices;
1. Try getting his family to change their opinion about you and see you for the awesome & exemplary person you say you are which shouldn't be too hard if you ask me because character speaks for itself.

2. Forget about what his family thinks, pay no attention to your parents, and please go ahead with the marriage - just remember that you may have succeeded in creating a rift between your man and his family which will ONLY be favorable to you, but NEVER favorable to him in the long run.

3. Move on and find love elsewhere.

thorpido:
If he has shown himself to be someone of exemplary character as you say,I'll say you should give it a chance.
One thing I want you to consider is how much independence he has.Does his family control the decisions he makes?Also,if you marry,are you going to live close to them?

Answer these questions.

Ujoan:
Are you 'difficult and contolling" ? As far as I'm concerned that's the only tangible thing you've mentioned you have against them. Perhaps they are only trying protect their brother. Like you said, Nigerian marriages is not just about the immediate family.
Maybe they are not worshipping the ground you step on because they realise marriage is not a competition of who is more valuable. . . You will face each other at your best and worst and there's noneed going into it with an air of superiority.
If however you feel strongly about them being a thorn in your flesh, I think you need to move on. You can't completely expect a man not to have some sort of influence (no matter how minute) from his family.

crackhaus:

Seems like someone is already laying the foundation for the only-me-and-my-husband kind of marriage.

This is the mentality that I feel I will have to have to survive in this environment. Its truly not as easy as you think. This is not what I want at all. I'm very family oriented and I wish he had a good relationship with his family just as I have with mine.

Hello Princess, the only people you're worth something to by default is your family and your God...for every other person out there, you will have to earn it.
What have you done to prove yourself to his family?

I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I've loved him and his family and that's all it should be. I don't owe anyone anything.

I'm glad you realize that you just don't marry a man without the involvement of his family.
However, don't you think there's a problem somewhere if all you can see in his family are their negative characteristics?
Tell us one thing you like about his family, JUST ONE.

His parents are wise in some matters. I've appreciated their advise when it was given. They know this because I've told them this.

Your parents in all their wisdom and at least 20years of experience in marriage have given you their counsel.
You have just three choices;
1. Try getting his family to change their opinion about you and see you for the awesome & exemplary person you say you are which shouldn't be too hard if you ask me because character speaks for itself.

[i]It's funny how you've concluded that I haven't done everything I could. There has been long standing family issues in this family, I was just unaware, this is what his mother told me recently. No matter what character you possess, not everyone will see your worth.

2. Forget about what his family thinks, pay no attention to your parents, and please go ahead with the marriage - just remember that you may have succeeded in creating a rift between your man and his family which will ONLY be favorable to you, but NEVER favorable to him in the long run.

I'm not the cause of this new rift, it's just another piled on top of many others.

3. Move on and find love elsewhere.[/i]

Richy4:
Please I have to ask a question here and do not feel offended because we all are deliberating on the best solution....

<<<<What was it that turn the family off when ever they see you? have you thought about that?

<<<<Do you see yourself as the best thing since sliced bread?
just asking because any one that studied literature in English in high school will know that we were told to read between the lines.....and notice the author's tone and use of words...

I saw briefly in your write up when u mentioned about your value..that they do not know your value....If U have been introduced then u might talk about yourself worth...Don't u think it is too early to be acting like the best thing that happened after christ?

If you really like the guy, maybe your ticket might be a little humility toward the parent...your write up kind of shows that you were the one calling the shots in that relationship. i might be wrong though but sit down and think a little about what your future inlaws like about you or hated about u

Richy4:
The thing is that everyone is worried about u entering into that family....and your fear is heightened because of that....which is understandable......

But What if this guy was your soul mate? the one that was meant for u, Are u gonna ignore him or call it off because of what was not his making? He did not asked to be born in a home full of baggage...

You know he is a good guy, if he wasn't, i do not think we will be discussing him...

Honestly the whole ball is in your court either To follow your heart and be a star in in that family/ the voice of reason or act on your own family's fear

hopeforcharles:

Men I never knew what have beautiful analyatic minds in Nairaland. You are exceptional. Thanks I was actually liking the OP but u opened a facet I never thinked about, thank you.

OYINBOGOJU:


I see this post as sincere expression from a sincere man

@Crackhaus opened our eyes to the opposite side of the story

#Alwaysappreciate

AdaAda1331:


You have it exactly right. That's why I'm on this forum. I know you all can't make the decision for me but I'm having second thoughts if this is something I'll immensely regret doing/not doing. I had an idea about his family behavior but it never directly affected me until now that I'm being attacked. I know God wouldn't want me to make a decision out of fear but I'm still on the fence if this is also God's way of telling me to run. I see the fire now before marriage and me saying yes will be me putting my hand in it. I don't know if that's wise.

AdaAda1331:


You have it exactly right. That's why I'm on this forum. I know you all can't make the decision for me but I'm having second thoughts if this is something I'll immensely regret doing/not doing. I had an idea about his family behavior but it never directly affected me until now that I'm being attacked. I know God wouldn't want me to make a decision out of fear but I'm still on the fence if this is also God's way of telling me to run. I see the fire now before marriage and me saying yes will be me putting my hand in it. I don't know if that's wise.

AdaAda1331:



Thank you for your response. Again, I mentioned that the only reason that I mentioned my career path is because that's mostly what nigerians look at when it comes to marriage. I thought that would be relatable. I don't call the shots, they don't actually hate me. His brother just called me names because I didn't ask how his move was. If it sounds ridiculous here, it is because that was the sole reason. Thing is my family is not the only one that's worried about this union. All our close family friends, priest, godmother, are all worried about me entering the family, they don't think I should enter the on-going family drama. The reason I put the don't see my worth is because it has been implied by his father with no concrete reason. I have a lot to work on, I know that, I'm not the best but I know I'm not the worst as they point me out to be. I'm still young and I'm open to change. But I DO know that I come from a good family, I'm a child after God's heart and I'm trying my best to prepare a good future for my future children.

saintikechi:
Leave that guy alone, come and marry me, my parents love doctors.

hopeforcharles:

Men I never knew we have beautiful analyatic minds in Nairaland. You are exceptional. Thanks I was actually liking the OP but u opened a facet I never thinked about, thank you.

obiak4:
Crackhaus one bottle of olive oil for you if you are a xtian or one crate of champions league for you
OP follow and reason with him he has analysed your issues stepwise
Earn the family respect they had been his family and would remained so

AdaAda1331:

This is the mentality that I feel I will have to have to survive in this environment. Its truly not as easy as you think. This is not what I want at all. I'm very family oriented and I wish he had a good relationship with his family just as I have with mine.

I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I've loved him and his family and that's all it should be. I don't owe anyone anything.

His parents are wise in some matters. I've appreciated their advise when it was given. They know this because I've told them this.

It's funny how you've concluded that I haven't done everything I could. There has been long standing family issues in this family, I was just unaware, this is what his mother told me recently. No matter what character you possess, not everyone will see your worth.

I'm not the cause of this new rift, it's just another piled on top of many others.

This is still very possible, but I do know it'll create a rift between him and his family because he will know that'll be the only reason I say no.