Kachisbarbie:
I await the people that'll say you don't like your horsebands' family.

RIP to the your dad,tough time for your family .

Is the issue that your inlaws don't call your parents? What of your parents, do they call them? I really don't see any issue here, forgive me for that.

If your parents call them too, they should have been aware they 'almost had an accident', because I expect them to have called to confirm if they got home safely and in the course of that call, they should have mentioned the averted accident. So, I think they reserve the right to be angry but bearing a grudge for so long is the problem.
If your parents called and they didn't mention it, ignore all the rubbish up there .

The problem I have with most people in life/marriage is that they expect too much from others.
You don't greet me_ I don't have to respond, we both save energy.
I marry you don't call me_ it doesn't stop the marriage.
I born, you still don't call_ it doesn't stop my child from growing, neither does it reduce his/her IQ. That's the kinda person I am, it has helped keep my sanity in check. Adopt this style and you'll live longer.

No, you don't have to slave for any human, be it inlaw or nah. If only women can stop all the pseudo-humility.
If you don't like something or can't do something, say it as politely as possible _ don't expect anyone to read your mind.

Ignore your husband's suggestion on how to bury your dad, maybe that's his view on how people should be buried. In the longrun, he gave his suggestion (albeit a stoopid one). The final decision lies in your family's hands.


I simply have a 'good relationship' with them. I ignore, I try not to count their f*ckups, because if I do, I must treat it.
Life is a whole lot easier that way.

you ave spoke well,and most importantly u HV saved me d stress of typing again

Like somebody rightly mentioned,does your family call your in-laws? Because if they did after the wedding to inquire if they got home safely,this issue wouldn't be here,cos I believe its the genesis of all these drama.I'm not also absorbing them of the blame of keeping grudges for over two years.I believe the way out lies with your husband,He should broker a peace between both families.He should stop being indifferent about the "cold war".Moreover,we've not heard your husband's and in-law's side of the story.

You husband is the head and he has the final opinion in your marriage... any further argument is the beginning of the end.

Learn a man's ego. Bruise it and he start hating you. It could snowball to family issues like what you just said.

How long had your mum being with you raising your kids. If she is stationary that means she has indirectly stop your husband family members from coming too and that can spark a cold war in both family.

Your husband family is the senior partner in this marriage so it is encouraged your family do reach out to them particularly your mother asking after your welfare from her in laws. It gives a sense of comfort and tension relaxation.

If the both family is fighting... I swear you're the centre of the problem. Look inward and settle with your hubby.

Start respecting his decisions. It is his home now not your family extension with how you do things over there

Twinkleme:
Hello everyone, i had to create a new profile to write this story in order to get your mature and genuine advise on this issue which will be appreciated. I will try to answer your questions while also making the narration short.

Husband- I'm married to a nice and pleasant man who up to two years ago was my friend and anchor but today he's a different person in many ways but this story is not about him.

@ babzilla. See why i told you to be aware of character changes in a Marriage. People think it's strange but it is inevitable. It's easier to overcome issues if you have the knowledge before hand.

NairaMaster1:
Women and husband people

lol... I think you are one of the 19 year olds clone2020 talked about

.

daretodiffer:
Apologies ma, I think you are too petty.

No apologies needed, i think she is overbearing. Im sure she is yoruba, thats how their women behave and reason. Putting her domestic quandary on social media like we give a f*ck!

Me-I'm an average person who tries to live life the best way I can. My MAJOR flaws according to my husband is that I like things being done right as much as possible. For examples,; if we have plan to do anything-savings, paying school fees, keeping secrets, etc. I expect us to live up to our word on such matters except we both agree to change things. My husband feels I am difficult and impossible because I won't condone wrong doing and i like things being done appropriately.(i understand mistakes but not persistent wrong doing).

I think this is where your problem lies. You have such a fixated idea on how things should be. In marriage, that is a sure recipe for sadness : you can't always be right and happy at the same time. You have expectations of how your in laws should treat your people. Who gave you such rigid ideas?
Your marriage is still young. Come down from your high horse. Lower your expectations of your husband and his family. People don't need to fit into OUR sense of rationality or logicality. We can't fit into theirs anyway. We accept people for who they are not how we want them to be.
Sorry about your dad!

Kachisbarbie:
I await the people that'll say you don't like your horsebands' family.

RIP to the your dad,tough time for your family .

Is the issue that your inlaws don't call your parents? What of your parents, do they call them? I really don't see any issue here, forgive me for that.

If your parents call them too, they should have been aware they 'almost had an accident', because I expect them to have called to confirm if they got home safely and in the course of that call, they should have mentioned the averted accident. So, I think they reserve the right to be angry but bearing a grudge for so long is the problem.
If your parents called and they didn't mention it, ignore all the rubbish up there .

The problem I have with most people in life/marriage is that they expect too much from others.
You don't greet me_ I don't have to respond, we both save energy.
I marry you don't call me_ it doesn't stop the marriage.
I born, you still don't call_ it doesn't stop my child from growing, neither does it reduce his/her IQ. That's the kinda person I am, it has helped keep my sanity in check. Adopt this style and you'll live longer.

No, you don't have to slave for any human, be it inlaw or nah. If only women can stop all the pseudo-humility.
If you don't like something or can't do something, say it as politely as possible _ don't expect anyone to read your mind.

Ignore your husband's suggestion on how to bury your dad, maybe that's his view on how people should be buried. In the longrun, he gave his suggestion (albeit a stoopid one). The final decision lies in your family's hands.


I simply have a 'good relationship' with them. I ignore, I try not to count their f*ckups, because if I do, I must treat it.
Life is a whole lot easier that way.

well-done you've said it all. people pay too much attention to things they could have just ignored to save themselves headache. as long as they did not come into your home to ruin things, na only face them dey carry and greetings them no dey answer, his parents don't call your parents and neither do yours call his, y complain?

My dear no marriage is perfect, if dh don't want to support in your father's burial, I believe you have siblings and relatives both from maternal and paternal side who'll surely support.(they're independent like you said) Try and overlook whatever reason your dh is giving. You don't have to worry over it, remember you've lo's at home to look after and since you just gave birth totally ignore it because of your BP. My dad don't call my mil and my mil don't call my dad too but they are paddy. My sil that I'm older than don't greet me but idk cos it'll neither make me fat nor rich. Just develop a good relationship with your dh family.

First of all, my deepest condolences. It's not easy to lose a parent.

You have mentioned at the beginning of your post that you are the kind of person who likes to do things properly and I respect it but what you need to learn to respect - and that's only my opinion - is that people / families are different. What you consider appropriate is not necessarily what others consider appropriate.

Obviously, your in-laws do things differently and if I were you, I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it because from what I can see is that your differing approach to how matters should be handled is about to end in a war, which may destroy your marriage.

Learn to ignore some things and do your own thing the way you learned to do things and let them do their things their own way. It's not possible for you to train your in-laws and mould them into something else, something that pleases you.

Your husband is loyal to his family and it's a good thing and you too respect your family. Now respect that his family is different, which doesn't mean that you have to like it but it will help you accept it and focus on what you have instead of focusing on what you don't.

I hope, it helps.

xendra:
well-done you've said it all. people pay too much attention to things they could have just ignored to save themselves headache. as long as they did not come into your home to ruin things, na only face them dey carry and greetings them no dey answer, his parents don't call your parents and neither do yours call his, y complain?

She need to worry.

The girl parent handed over their daughter to the guy parent. If there's is love lost amongst the families... Marriage ending is in view

Hello, my dear. Marriage takes two to tangle and play the games of fools.
From your write-up I can conclude your marriage was based on pretense. The two of you failed to reveal your true identity before tying the knot and that is why your husband could not inform you of his parents accident until after 2 years.
Regardless of the situation of things with the two families, your marriage is of more importance. If truly you love your husband and you want to be together with him for life, then you guys need reconciliation. Go about it this way....
1. Do away with ego
2. Be nice to him. You can start with knotting or removing his tie.
3. Give him his favorite and be scratch his head while eating.
4. Make him happy both in the sitting room and bed room
5. Bring up the discussion when you notice he is in a good mood.
6. Allow him to talk and also state your mind.
7. Apologize on behalf of yourself and your family. I expect him to do the same.
8. The two of you should talk to your families on behalf of each other.
9. Then visit the offended family members and apologize together.
10. Most importantly, PRAY. Prayer can move mountain and can change the stony heart.

In conclusion, organize family feast where everybody will be present and end it there. Afterwards, live your life without as if they do not exist.
YOUR FAMILY IS YOUR FUTURE, SAVE IT FROM CRUMBLING.

If you ask me, I'll say you need wisdom more than you need food and water. In marriage your husband is not the only one involve his families are very vital key in determine where your marriage will end. The welfare of his family should be utmost in everything to you. If they feel offended in what your parent did by not calling them, acting foolishly is not the best way. You need to build your home using your own knowledge not carrying the mentality of someone else with you. I'm sure your mummy use her own wisdom that is why she was able to stay till death with your dad.
Drop your pride a bit and try to reason with your spouse, that is not to say he is right too with all the step his family are taken, but just to show them maturity is not in age. I must confess to you here that both families are immatured,they need orientation. If two grown up adults like your min and in law could stoop this low, on what was your courtship built? Please for the sake of your children, pray about this and also talk to your mum to help you save your marriage. If your dad died not been in good terms with your in law, safe your mum the pain of ' no way to apologise' when she dies. Little things like this destroy our walk with God.
Forget the immature nature of your in law and just show them love and affection, which they probably lack, by loving them and caring for them, I bet you they will do the same no matter their level of stupidity and pride.
No place is heaven in marriage, a woman determines what her home will be on her kneels. All men are babies ( with apologies) thus treat them so. They need love, care, respect above nothing and above all they want you to know they marry you not the other way round.
May Heaven grant you wisdom and strength to go through of cause I know it will take God to do this.

Horsesmouth:


No apologies needed, i think she is overbearing. Im sure she is yoruba, thats how their women behave and reason. Putting her domestic quandary on social media like we give a f*ck!

Comom guys, una too raw and harsh!
how u used know she's from yoruba.

victorazy:


Comom guys, una too raw and harsh!
how u used know she's from yoruba.

Make we bet? I sure die.

freshvine:


She need to worry.

The girl parent handed over their daughter to the guy parent. If there's is love lost amongst the families... Marriage ending is in view

my dear read the story again and see the flaws.
Maybe she needs to worry, but she is worried for the wrong reasons. and if she doesn't straighten up, then "Marriage ending" would come faster than if she were to overlook certain things

freshvine:


She need to worry.

The girl parent handed over their daughter to the guy parent. If there's is love lost amongst the families... Marriage ending is in view

The husband paid the dowry and her family took it.
The wife now belongs to the husband and his family.
Dont come and be saying rubbish here.

Horsesmouth:


The husband paid the dowry and her family took it.
The wife now belongs to the husband and his family.
Dont come and be saying rubbish here.

The husband did not pay the bride price. His father or a senior member of his family did. After that the wife was handed over to who paid the dowry.

Go and verify

I have always said nairalanders are never realistic


What kind of grudge did they have against her parents that even at her dads death they still couldn't forgive and at least call to commiserate with her mum.

Even if they have been quarelling at least not to the point of the death of the dad now.

What kind of family is that.

Who among us here will be happy that his/her in-laws refuse to call his/her mum to at least greet her about the death of his/her dad simply because the dead person and his wife didn't call them at some point when they almost had an accident when coming back from their sons wedding.


Do they hold grudges against a dead man or am I the only one reading that part of the story?

Op needs to be concerned, she should be worried, what kind of value system does that family have.


The elder brother even came and saw the bereaved woman and didn't even greet her, if not for anything at least for the death of her husband.

What if the wives family also decides to hold a grudge against the hubby that if he had driven him home and not at the bustop he may not have died at that time.

What kind of people behave like this, there's something wrong somewhere, even if there is a bigger issue, you dont quarell with people even in death or their time of mourning - at least where I come from.

I feel its quite immature to behave this way.

You should be concerned about that family really concerned and pray too.

You don't have a problem other than the fact you've lost your dear dad (sorry for your loss).

Ignore that aspect of your marriage.you will do very well if you cease to worry about their rating. (Only my 2 cents worth)

More Grace

freshvine:


The husband did not pay the bride price. His father or a senior member of his family did. After that the wife was handed over to who paid the dowry.

Go and verify

The bride was sha handed to the husbands family and not the wifes family abi.

seems your hubby's family don't like your family and your hubby knows but he's avoiding it. because to the best of knowledge, In-laws have cordial relationships, were they greet each other and call eachother.

just focus on your nuclear family and strengthen the bond between you and your husband.

your hubby shouldn't be the one to decide what happens to your dad's corpse. your mum should.

yetseyi:
I have always said nairalanders are never realistic


What kind of grudge did they have against her parents that even at her dads death they still couldn't forgive and at least call to commiserate with her mum.

Even if they have been quarelling at least not to the point of the death of the dad now.

What kind of family is that.

Who among us here will be happy that his/her in-laws refuse to call his/her mum to at least greet her about the death of his/her dad simply because the dead person and his wife didn't call them at some point when they almost had an accident when coming back from their sons wedding.


Do they hold grudges against a dead man or am I the only one reading that part of the story?

Op needs to be concerned, she should be worried, what kind of value system does that family have.


The elder brother even came and saw the bereaved woman and didn't even greet her, if not for anything at least for the death of her husband.

What if the wives family also decides to hold a grudge against the hubby that if he had driven him home and not at the bustop he may not have died at that time.

What kind of people behave like this, there's something wrong somewhere, even if there is a bigger issue, you dont quarell with people even in death or their time of mourning - at least where I come from.

I feel its quite immature to behave this way.

You should be concerned about that family really concerned and pray too.

I am sure you are a yoruba woman with your skewed judgement of another yoruba womans nonsense story.

Have you heard the husbands side?

anyway, i dont blame you, i blame the husband dat married the yoruba woman. He is in trouble he doesnt know yet.

yetseyi:
I have always said nairalanders are never realistic


What kind of grudge did they have against her parents that even at her dads death they still couldn't forgive and at least call to commiserate with her mum.

Even if they have been quarelling at least not to the point of the death of the dad now.

What kind of family is that.

Who among us here will be happy that his/her in-laws refuse to call his/her mum to at least greet her about the death of his/her dad simply because the dead person and his wife didn't call them at some point when they almost had an accident when coming back from their sons wedding.


Do they hold grudges against a dead man or am I the only one reading that part of the story?

Op needs to be concerned, she should be worried, what kind of value system does that family have.


The elder brother even came and saw the bereaved woman and didn't even greet her, if not for anything at least for the death of her husband.

What if the wives family also decides to hold a grudge against the hubby that if he had driven him home and not at the bustop he may not have died at that time.

What kind of people behave like this, there's something wrong somewhere, even if there is a bigger issue, you dont quarell with people even in death or their time of mourning - at least where I come from.

I feel its quite immature to behave this way.

You should be concerned about that family really concerned and pray too.

you're right.

There's something wrong and I think the hubby knows but ignores it or the hubby's family are morally deficient and the hubby shares in the same family trait, that's why he sees nothing wrong with it.

Joavid:


you're right.

There's something wrong and I think the hubby knows but ignores it or the hubby's family are morally deficient and the hubby shares in the same family trait, that's why he sees nothing wrong with it.

How r u sure the wifes family re not morally deficient.
How r u sure d wife didnt use remote control on their son. Dont you watch africa magic?
This story get as e be. I maintain dt d person is overbearing and petty

See marriage?


Look o.p marriage is a medium for YOU and your PARTNER to build a new union for YOU and YOUR KIDS to both cater to!


Your priorities should be doing the best for your KIDS and not walking on egg shells around your extended families or caring who texted who or who did not greet whose mother or father!


Both your families have fault lines so for now allow your husband focus on his family and you face your own! Bone all these unnecessary issues and focus on YOU, YOUR HUSBAND and YOUR KIDS!



It seems both sets of your families are filled with members who don't have anything going for them in their lives hence why they need to use you guys as a distraction or as a place to display their wickedness or frustrations!


With time everyone may outgrow all this crap, but if not I don't see how what your family eats should be making your inlaws go to the toilet!


FACE FRONT and focus on your nuclear family for now! Being besties with your inlaws is not by force and sometimes your marriage is more peaceful when you keep them at arms length!

Horsesmouth:


I am sure you are a yoruba woman with your skewed judgement of another yoruba womans nonsense story.

Have you heard the husbands side?

anyway, i dont blame you, i blame the husband dat married the yoruba woman. He is in trouble he doesnt know yet.

It seems you have something against Yoruba women, you are bringing ethnicity to an issue that is simply about values/morals

You are quick to call the story nonsense if it was you how would you feel.

The OP didn't even state her tribe.

Does it really matter what the Hubby's side has to say? What is the issue that they cant even tell the woman sorry for her hubbys death.
Who quarells and keep malice with people even to the point of death that's not fair, and it is wrong. Op may not be perfect, her parents may not be perfect, even the Hubby's side too may not be perfect but some things are wrong and should not be sugarcoated.


Even people that have done evil to you to your face you still commiserate with then when mourning.

I still say there is more to this issue than it is but whatever it may be its not up to the level of not sending condolence message to your in-law. In-law that you sat down together with during the marriage, made arrangements, collected bride price from.
Na wa ooo


And yes I am Yoruba and if you call my judgement skewed ..... you are entitled to your opinion.

Kachisbarbie:
I await the people that'll say you don't like your horsebands' family.

RIP to the your dad,tough time for your family .

Is the issue that your inlaws don't call your parents? What of your parents, do they call them? I really don't see any issue here, forgive me for that.

If your parents call them too, they should have been aware they 'almost had an accident', because I expect them to have called to confirm if they got home safely and in the course of that call, they should have mentioned the averted accident. So, I think they reserve the right to be angry but bearing a grudge for so long is the problem.
If your parents called and they didn't mention it, ignore all the rubbish up there .

The problem I have with most people in life/marriage is that they expect too much from others.
You don't greet me_ I don't have to respond, we both save energy.
I marry you don't call me_ it doesn't stop the marriage.
I born, you still don't call_ it doesn't stop my child from growing, neither does it reduce his/her IQ. That's the kinda person I am, it has helped keep my sanity in check. Adopt this style and you'll live longer.

No, you don't have to slave for any human, be it inlaw or nah. If only women can stop all the pseudo-humility.
If you don't like something or can't do something, say it as politely as possible _ don't expect anyone to read your mind.

Ignore your husband's suggestion on how to bury your dad, maybe that's his view on how people should be buried. In the longrun, he gave his suggestion (albeit a stoopid one). The final decision lies in your family's hands.


I simply have a 'good relationship' with them. I ignore, I try not to count their f*ckups, because if I do, I must treat it.
Life is a whole lot easier that way.

Well said!

pippimp:

@ babzilla. See why i told you to be aware of character changes in a Marriage. People think it's strange but it is inevitable. It's easier to overcome issues if you have the knowledge before hand.

Yeah it is.... I hate nasty surprises

Joavid:


you're right.

There's something wrong and I think the hubby knows but ignores it or the hubby's family are morally deficient and the hubby shares in the same family trait, that's why he sees nothing wrong with it.

Something is truly wrong somewhere.

Alexgeneration:
Like somebody rightly mentioned,does your family call your in-laws? Because if they did after the wedding to inquire if they got home safely,this issue wouldn't be here,cos I believe its the genesis of all these drama.I'm not also absorbing them of the blame of keeping grudges for over two years.I believe the way out lies with your husband,He should broker a peace between both families.He should stop being indifferent about the "cold war". Moreover,we've not heard your husband's and in-law's side of the story.

The situation is not looking good and I feel sorry for the OP. Just as you said, we've not heard the other side of the story.

But that part where she said her husband's family did not even bother to call her mum on the death of her father got me thinking sha. Do people keep fighting till after death?