| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by ifenes(m): 6:05pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
|
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by Horsesmouth: 6:06pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
yetseyi:
It seems you have something against Yoruba women, you are bringing ethnicity to an issue that is simply about values/morals
You are quick to call the story nonsense if it was you how would you feel.
The OP didn't even state her tribe.
Does it really matter what the Hubby's side has to say? What is the issue that they cant even tell the woman sorry for her hubbys death.
Who quarells and keep malice with people even to the point of death that's not fair, and it is wrong. Op may not be perfect, her parents may not be perfect, even the Hubby's side too may not be perfect but some things are wrong and should not be sugarcoated.
Even people that have done evil to you to your face you still commiserate with then when mourning.
I still say there is more to this issue than it is but whatever it may be its not up to the level of not sending condolence message to your in-law. In-law that you sat down together with during the marriage, made arrangements, collected bride price from.
Na wa ooo
And yes I am Yoruba and if you call my judgement skewed ..... you are entitled to your opinion. I can neither confirm nor deny that i have issues with yoruba women. E ti le ro ejo ju, se ko kin sun yin ni. |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by ojnnaco(m): 6:06pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Ezedon:
Is that all?
Lols. abeg help me ask am.
Coz me I no wan give half advise |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by yetseyi(f): 6:11pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Horsesmouth:
I can neither confirm nor deny that i have issues with yoruba women.
E ti le ro ejo ju, se ko kin sun yin ni. Lool, at least we are getting somewhere so what did she/they do to you? Rojo ju bi ti bawo? Se ki a ma so nkan ti o n dun wa ni. Ki ni awon hundiya se fun yin. |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by Horsesmouth: 6:14pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
|
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by tete7000(m): 6:16pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
You need wisdom from above to handle this. It is complicated. I pray God in his infinite wisdom guide you right. |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by somegirl1: 6:18pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Your dad's demise should have softened their hearts regardless of who was at fault. It would be difficult to remain married to your husband without feeling bitterness towards him and his family.
You need to be true to yourself. If you are convinced too much damage has been done, you must decide on a next step. 4 Likes |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by yetseyi(f): 6:19pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
|
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by Nobody: 6:20pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
If this is how Yoruba women behave, I am sure your women behave like prostitutes and gluttons  FYI, abuse of social media isn't a tribe thing. You would know if your internet exposure wasn't limited to Yoruba vs your tribe  . Horsesmouth:
No apologies needed, i think she is overbearing. Im sure she is yoruba, thats how their women behave and reason. Putting her domestic quandary on social media like we give a f*ck! |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by Horsesmouth: 6:25pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
daretodiffer:
If this is how Yoruba women behave, I am sure your women behave like prostitutes and gluttons
FYI, abuse of social media isn't a tribe thing. You would know if your internet exposure wasn't limited to Yoruba vs your tribe.
|
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by JeffreyJamez(m): 6:28pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
One thing I learnt from my mum when it comes to in-laws is, show them love and give them respect but when they start to misbahave, put everyone in their place. |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by sbabimbola(f): 6:33pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Twinkleme:
Hello everyone, but today he's a different person in many ways but this story is not about him.
Me-I'm an average person who tries to live life the best way I can. My MAJOR flaws according to my husband is that I like things being done right as much as possible.
My husband's family-he is the youngest of the family. They are all older and in their up bringing older onse are ALWAYS right no matter what.
Please advise how you will handle this situation as a man or woman.
Also, is marriage about becoming a slave to one's husband's family?
How do you have a good relationship with a family who does not acknowledge your family?
Dear madam, I will join you in prayers....... shall we pray? FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE, YOUR MAN, YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR HOME! SHALLOM! 1 Like |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by Swizdom(m): 6:55pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
That one is a last born doesn't mean he can not grow up. I'm sorry to say this, but your husband's maturity level is below par. When one marries, he and wifey have become one. Infact, wifey and husby should be the closest people before every other family member comes into play. this has always been the mistake couples make and before you know it, the marriage crumbles. You cannot live with your family forever but you must surely with either your wife or your hubby.
Watch the movie "WAR ROOM". That's exactly what you need at this moment. I pray you come of this mess cos it's the devil's way of destroying a marriage. 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by obyno5(m): 6:55pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Madam i can only imagine how u feel. The truth is that these are one of those little foxes that destroy homes if not handled prayerfully with wisdom. Focus more on your immediate family and expect flaws from in-laws once in a while. It is nobody's responsibility to call but everybodys. Your in-laws are not perfect neither is your family. If possible look for a help and let your mum go. God bless your home 1 Like |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by Nobody: 6:58pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Twinkleme:
Hello everyone, i had to create a new profile to write this story in order to get your mature and genuine advise on this issue which will be appreciated. I will try to answer your questions while also making the narration short.
Husband- I'm married to a nice and pleasant man who up to two years ago was my friend and anchor but today he's a different person in many ways but this story is not about him.
Me-I'm an average person who tries to live life the best way I can. My MAJOR flaws according to my husband is that I like things being done right as much as possible. For examples,; if we have plan to do anything-savings, paying school fees, keeping secrets, etc. I expect us to live up to our word on such matters except we both agree to change things. My husband feels I am difficult and impossible because I won't condone wrong doing and i like things being done appropriately.(i understand mistakes but not persistent wrong doing).
My family-we are generally independent and so for example since I got married, my people has not requested any form of monetary assistance from my husband and they don't visit much except they come to assist or see my mum who stays with us to care for our child...
My husband's family-he is the youngest of the family. They are all older and in their up bringing older onse are ALWAYS right no matter what.
Issue-since I got married and put to bed twice, my husband's family has NEVER called my parents (before or after the wedding) to acknowledge this or thank them. When I was wondering what the issue is "my husband said his parents almost had an accident when they travelled back home after our wedding and that my parents did not call them (none of us me or my family members was aware of this until about two years ago). Right now, unfortunately, I lost my Dad who came to see us and the grandchild I just had...My husband dropped him at a bus stop he's suppose to take a bus home from-he died in an accident on his way home. Now, my in-laws have still not called mum and my husband expect me to have a good relationship with his family or else he will be worse than he is. It is so bad that his elder brother came to the house and did not greet my mum, this is not the first time and my husband said he spoken with him about it.
Please advise how you will handle this situation as a man or woman.
Also, is marriage about becoming a slave to one's husband's family?
How do you have a good relationship with a family who does not acknowledge your family?
By the way, my husband suggested burying my Dad in a vault (leaving his body for the cemetery people to do whatever they like after the burial)because he felt we had a week to bury my father and this caused a major issue with my brothers who felt hurt by his statement in view of how my Dad died. Since then, he said my brothers has been direspecting him-one of them has never even been to my house since I got married.
Forgive the typos.0
Seun and co please move this to front page.
I'm cc chaircover and co
Madam,I am not married but I feel since you've tried talking to your husband and he still not trying to work things out,invite your family people and your in-laws without either of them knowing.There will be conflict but make Sure you speak what you feel is wrong |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by FavoredGuy: 7:01pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
May I ask please, did u people engage in any relationship prior to your marriage? If yes, how long? Are having the same cultural or religous background. Answers to these questions will help me in my counselling and advice to both you and people having related marital problems |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by jellybabee(f): 7:12pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Good day madam,hmmmmmmmn...i dont really knw where to start from,but one thing that is very sure in life is the fact either you are young, an adult,old,single,married or what ever,so far u still exist on earth u lll always pass through different things in life,either u take it as a minor issue or u think it is very serious,it is left for you to decide...but the fact still remain that your serious issue,or your hubby's advice on how to bury your dad is just a suggestion not a must,your mum and your inlaws not in good terms...talk to your mum the best way you can,either begging her and u can simply tell her if she really care about you she should call your inlaws on phone just to say hi.Try to talk to your hubby in a sweet and pleasant way..
jst the way you talk to him whenever you want something from him before you got married.....tell him you are sorry for judging him and his family in a genuine way(i know you are already thinking you arent wrong about what you said about his family in the past..which might be right ,but that isnt the issue now jst do and say whatever ll make lov andpeace to reign again in your family) call your inlaws from time to time
...Good luck (my opinion) |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by sho0369: 7:18pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Madam please forgive me if u are hurt. you do not understand what marriage is all abouut. Fro
m ur text ur family is ur dad , mom and sibilings. Chec
k urself or be prepared to be thrown out someday. Amasingly u said that u do not condone wrong doing but ur husband. Please ensure u do not get him angry any further.. I tolally agree with clone2020 that teenagers here will hail u but trust me truth is bitter. See ur husband as ur family with ur child(ren). Mind u, do not despise ur mother an
d father in laws as they matter so much in ur marriage. They have all it takes to make or mar ur marriage. |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by CioAngels(f): 7:47pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
My dear friend, ideally her parents should have called them to know if they got home safely, but what if her parents had their own problems too? My dear friend, the unity will start with her, she has to visit her in-laws to apologise and make sure she stays over with them. She will have to do this for peace to reign in her home. Her mother will have to play part by visiting and settle with her daughter's in-laws becos without this her husband will make her miserable in the house becos his mother is not happy with her family. As for her father's death which they did not visit, yes it is painful, but let me ask her, would their visit to condole with her people, would it have brought papa back? No. She has to make her marriage work. Now, are her brothers so young that her husband is taken decisions on how to bury papa? You know already there are issues on ground so why can't her sibbling stamp their feet and bury papa within their reach and forget about it. As for her brother, it is not compulsory he virits her when there is telephone. Please let her apologise to her husband to have a happy home but she should avoid doing things that would make her apologising all the time so that she will not make herself a slave to him. Good luck. 1 Like |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by UmmKhalifah(f): 7:51pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Hmmm, some husband's family r lik dat, dey jus lik mine but u just av to ignore dose thing.... @ a tym had to create dis u slogan(am Nt jollof rice So don't expect me satisfy everyone) 1 Like |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by obyno1011(m): 7:52pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
My advise is that you should work on your family. Convince them on how important your happiness matters to you. Let them forgive your husband and show him love. When that happens, he will work on his own family.
For peace to reign, there has to be sacrifice. Let go of the past and seek happiness. The brave forgive.
You will see the result in few months. 1 Like |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by Nobody: 8:28pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
My dear having read the OP and reading between the lines, I can only say that you are ALL at fault at one point or the other.
Everyone!!
but you see, you, your husband and most especially your innocent children need the marriage more than anyone else, so you both need to put a lid on your "egos" and "I am right syndrome", "my family is the best" and cleave as one.
Reading between the lines, both family's have huge egos and where families do not get on, it is only by a miracle that the marriage endures the test of time or is peaceful.
If you and your husband genuinely want your marriage, then start to mend bridges between both families. Being right does not always equate to happiness. You all dont have to be pally pally but you can all be polite, respectful, civil and treat each other as you will like to be treated.
I'm So sorry about your dads death. May God comfort you and all his loved ones. 1 Like |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by nkechiben(f): 8:48pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Twinkleme:
Hello everyone, i had to create a new profile to write this story in order to get your mature and genuine advise on this issue which will be appreciated. I will try to answer your questions while also making the narration short.
Husband- I'm married to a nice and pleasant man who up to two years ago was my friend and anchor but today he's a different person in many ways but this story is not about him.
Me-I'm an average person who tries to live life the best way I can. My MAJOR flaws according to my husband is that I like things being done right as much as possible. For examples,; if we have plan to do anything-savings, paying school fees, keeping secrets, etc. I expect us to live up to our word on such matters except we both agree to change things. My husband feels I am difficult and impossible because I won't condone wrong doing and i like things being done appropriately.(i understand mistakes but not persistent wrong doing).
My family-we are generally independent and so for example since I got married, my people has not requested any form of monetary assistance from my husband and they don't visit much except they come to assist or see my mum who stays with us to care for our child...
My husband's family-he is the youngest of the family. They are all older and in their up bringing older onse are ALWAYS right no matter what.
Issue-since I got married and put to bed twice, my husband's family has NEVER called my parents (before or after the wedding) to acknowledge this or thank them. When I was wondering what the issue is "my husband said his parents almost had an accident when they travelled back home after our wedding and that my parents did not call them (none of us me or my family members was aware of this until about two years ago). Right now, unfortunately, I lost my Dad who came to see us and the grandchild I just had...My husband dropped him at a bus stop he's suppose to take a bus home from-he died in an accident on his way home. Now, my in-laws have still not called mum and my husband expect me to have a good relationship with his family or else he will be worse than he is. It is so bad that his elder brother came to the house and did not greet my mum, this is not the first time and my husband said he spoken with him about it.
Please advise how you will handle this situation as a man or woman.
Also, is marriage about becoming a slave to one's husband's family?
How do you have a good relationship with a family who does not acknowledge your family?
By the way, my husband suggested burying my Dad in a vault (leaving his body for the cemetery people to do whatever they like after the burial)because he felt we had a week to bury my father and this caused a major issue with my brothers who felt hurt by his statement in view of how my Dad died. Since then, he said my brothers has been direspecting him-one of them has never even been to my house since I got married.
Forgive the typos.
Seun and co please move this to front page.
I'm cc chaircover and co
Sorry about everything ok? My advice to you is to ignore everything, stop giving attention to there behaviors. Choose to be happy and move on.
Keep talking to to God about it.They will get tired one day.
|
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by gohamburg(f): 8:50pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Funlordjnr:
See marriage?
Look o.p marriage is a medium for YOU and your PARTNER to build a new union for YOU and YOUR KIDS to both to cater to!
Your priorities should be doing the best for your KIDS and not walking on egg shells around your extended families or caring who texted who or who did not greet whose mother or father!
Both your families have fault lines so for now allow your husband focus on his family and you face your own! Bone all these unnecessary issues and focus on YOU, YOUR HUSBAND and YOUR KIDS!
It seems both sets of your families are filled with members who don't have anything going for them in their lives hence why they need to use you guys as a distraction or as a pleace to display their wickedness or frustrations!
With time everyone may outgrow all this crap, but if not I don't see how what your family eats should be making your inlaws go to the toilet!
FACE FRONT and focus on your nuclear family for now! Being besties with your inlaws is not by force and sometimes your marriage is more peaceful when you keep them at arms length! @OP....please follow this advice for your peace of mind and sanity. 4 Likes |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by san316(m): 8:56pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Childishness.just pray and talk to your husband. You allow trivial things to interfere with your marriage. Your husband's ppl are childish. Everybody is childish. Stop all this childishness please. 1 Like |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by Adamo84(m): 8:56pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
|
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by uckyra: 9:02pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Ma i think u should hav solve the problem long ago when they air out wht their problem was, u should hav apologize to them n even get ur parents to do so,because if i was him i go vex with u too,u did wrong by nt calling them up to knw hw their joni was bt all the same u can still do that,its better late than never,ask for forgiveness. |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by pinkyruledworld(m): 9:03pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
ur hubby and his families are big fools (sorry for that). Ur father died and they didnt call? thats just too bad. Theres a youruba saying that says... ti a ban ja bi ti ka ku ko. Its just too bad, they should let it go jarey. 3 Likes |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by klexycole(m): 9:28pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Kachisbarbie:
I await the people that'll say you don't like your horsebands' family.
RIP to the your dad,tough time for your family  .
Is the issue that your inlaws don't call your parents? What of your parents, do they call them? I really don't see any issue here, forgive me for that.
If your parents call them too, they should have been aware they 'almost had an accident', because I expect them to have called to confirm if they got home safely and in the course of that call, they should have mentioned the averted accident. So, I think they reserve the right to be angry but bearing a grudge for so long is the problem.
If your parents called and they didn't mention it, ignore all the rubbish up there  .
The problem I have with most people in life/marriage is that they expect too much from others.
You don't greet me_ I don't have to respond, we both save energy.
I marry you don't call me_ it doesn't stop the marriage.
I born, you still don't call_ it doesn't stop my child from growing, neither does it reduce his/her IQ. That's the kinda person I am, it has helped keep my sanity in check. Adopt this style and you'll live longer.
No, you don't have to slave for any human, be it inlaw or nah. If only women can stop all the pseudo-humility.
If you don't like something or can't do something, say it as politely as possible _ don't expect anyone to read your mind.
Ignore your husband's suggestion on how to bury your dad, maybe that's his view on how people should be buried. In the longrun, he gave his suggestion (albeit a stoopid one). The final decision lies in your family's hands.
I simply have a 'good relationship' with them. I ignore, I try not to count their f*ckups, because if I do, I must treat it.
Life is a whole lot easier that way. You are matured. God bless you for this!
#I'mLearning 1 Like |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by Lightening: 9:31pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
Twinkleme:
Hello everyone, i had to create a new profile to write this story in order to get your mature and genuine advise on this issue which will be appreciated. I will try to answer your questions while also making the narration short.
Husband- I'm married to a nice and pleasant man who up to two years ago was my friend and anchor but today he's a different person in many ways but this story is not about him.
Me-I'm an average person who tries to live life the best way I can. My MAJOR flaws according to my husband is that I like things being done right as much as possible. For examples,; if we have plan to do anything-savings, paying school fees, keeping secrets, etc. I expect us to live up to our word on such matters except we both agree to change things. My husband feels I am difficult and impossible because I won't condone wrong doing and i like things being done appropriately.(i understand mistakes but not persistent wrong doing).
My family-we are generally independent and so for example since I got married, my people has not requested any form of monetary assistance from my husband and they don't visit much except they come to assist or see my mum who stays with us to care for our child...
My husband's family-he is the youngest of the family. They are all older and in their up bringing older onse are ALWAYS right no matter what.
Issue-since I got married and put to bed twice, my husband's family has NEVER called my parents (before or after the wedding) to acknowledge this or thank them. When I was wondering what the issue is "my husband said his parents almost had an accident when they travelled back home after our wedding and that my parents did not call them (none of us me or my family members was aware of this until about two years ago). Right now, unfortunately, I lost my Dad who came to see us and the grandchild I just had...My husband dropped him at a bus stop he's suppose to take a bus home from-he died in an accident on his way home. Now, my in-laws have still not called mum and my husband expect me to have a good relationship with his family or else he will be worse than he is. It is so bad that his elder brother came to the house and did not greet my mum, this is not the first time and my husband said he spoken with him about it.
Please advise how you will handle this situation as a man or woman.
Also, is marriage about becoming a slave to one's husband's family?
How do you have a good relationship with a family who does not acknowledge your family?
By the way, my husband suggested burying my Dad in a vault (leaving his body for the cemetery people to do whatever they like after the burial)because he felt we had a week to bury my father and this caused a major issue with my brothers who felt hurt by his statement in view of how my Dad died. Since then, he said my brothers has been direspecting him-one of them has never even been to my house since I got married.
Forgive the typos.
Seun and co please move this to front page.
I'm cc chaircover and co
I perceive a beef going on between the two in laws caused simply by who kicks the ball into play first. Over time, it appears that lots of pride have set in. Since it bothers you this much and having known your in laws grouse from your husband, try and work on your family to apologise to your in laws to heal the relationship. I suggest this because your people not calling to show concern about their journey back home appears to be at the bottom of the issue. 1 Like |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by shollymata(m): 9:45pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
My honest and candid response
1. Foundation of the relationship is shaky. Anything with a shaky foundation is in trouble. This must be addressed. All parties need to sheath their sword and come together. Only you and your husband can facilitate this. Until you are both ready, the status quo will continue.
2. Not all things that are discussed behind closed doors need to get out. If your husband wants your dad buried in a vault, that should be between you and him. Not for you to get a loud speaker to notify all family members about what your husband said. Point being, long after you have forgiven him, those that you have involved will not.
3. Your family bond was evaded too early. In marriage, the husband and wife need to bond first, and become a solid unit, before you allow any family interference. Don't forget that your husband lived with his family for 20+ years, and like wise you. It will take an extra-ordinary bond, borne out of love, and submissions, for your 3 years+ relationship to overcome all that.
Of what benefit is a "thank you" from your parent's in-law because you delivered 'your own child'? When you escalate such unimportant things in a relationship, things like this are bound to happen. Personally I think you need to redirect your energy towards making your home work, rather than analyzing the wrong doings of 3rd parties that are secondary to your marriage.
I also think for the purpose of objectivity, you smartly left some important details, but I sense some possible ethnic difference in all of this. If so, please note that Nigeria is very diverse, and what you take as a value (communication, greeting, etc), is a piece of cake to some others. And not intentionally so.
On the demise of your Dad, I sincerely commiserate with you. 2 Likes |
| Re: Is This What Makes A Marriage? by Lightening: 9:51pm On Aug 28, 2016 |
yetseyi:
I have always said nairalanders are never realistic
What kind of grudge did they have against her parents that even at her dads death they still couldn't forgive and at least call to commiserate with her mum.
Even if they have been quarelling at least not to the point of the death of the dad now.
What kind of family is that.
Who among us here will be happy that his/her in-laws refuse to call his/her mum to at least greet her about the death of his/her dad simply because the dead person and his wife didn't call them at some point when they almost had an accident when coming back from their sons wedding.
Do they hold grudges against a dead man or am I the only one reading that part of the story?
Op needs to be concerned, she should be worried, what kind of value system does that family have.
The elder brother even came and saw the bereaved woman and didn't even greet her, if not for anything at least for the death of her husband.
What if the wives family also decides to hold a grudge against the hubby that if he had driven him home and not at the bustop he may not have died at that time.
What kind of people behave like this, there's something wrong somewhere, even if there is a bigger issue, you dont quarell with people even in death or their time of mourning - at least where I come from.
I feel its quite immature to behave this way.
You should be concerned about that family really concerned and pray too. What you typed above might win the argument, but do you think it can bring peace? Peace is what the OP is looking for. 2 Likes |
