kaffyfolly:
my sister,I understand ur feeling but ure still at fault,despite DT u heard d news late about d accident ,I expect u to call ur mother in law immediately to inform her DT ure just hearing from his son now,so DT she will able to know DT it is d faults of his son,also ur mum should also do d same.
then as for his brother DT did not greet ur mummy,bone DT one, don't even behave u know his attitude towards ur mother.
my sis, note that if u want to stay long in ur home den not everything u must take important just for peace to reigned.

She suppose bone abi?
why d man with his people nor con sabi bone? boning na for women alone?
women don suffer oo

Kachisbarbie:
I await the people that'll say you don't like your horsebands' family.

RIP to your dad,tough time for your family .

Is the issue that your inlaws don't call your parents? What of your parents, do they call them? I really don't see any issue here, forgive me for that.

If your parents call them too, they should have been aware they 'almost had an accident', because I expect them to have called to confirm if they got home safely and in the course of that call, they should have mentioned the averted accident. So, I think they reserve the right to be angry but bearing a grudge for so long is the problem.
If your parents called and they didn't mention it, ignore all the rubbish up there .

The problem I have with most people in life/marriage is that they expect too much from others.
You don't greet me_ I don't have to respond, we both save energy.
I marry you don't call me_ it doesn't stop the marriage.
I born, you still don't call_ it doesn't stop my child from growing, neither does it reduce his/her IQ. That's the kinda person I am, it has helped keep my sanity in check. Adopt this style and you'll live longer.

No, you don't have to slave for any human, be it inlaw or nah. If only women can stop all the pseudo-humility.
If you don't like something or can't do something, say it as politely as possible _ don't expect anyone to read your mind.

Ignore your husband's suggestion on how to bury your dad, maybe that's his view on how people should be buried. In the longrun, he gave his suggestion (albeit a stoopid one). The final decision lies in your family's hands.


I simply have a 'good relationship' with them. I ignore, I try not to count their f*ckups, because if I do, I must treat it.
Life is a whole lot easier that way.

I appreciate your input-thank you.

herzern1:
This Story pass me oooh.....

Buh nevertheless..... Find favour from your In-laws....

They play a vital part in sustenance of marriage.....

#HamOut

Thank you-kindly expatiate on how to find favour with people who are ALWAYS right even when they are wrong.

[quote author=Clone2020 post=48875997]There's always two sides to every story. OP i'm sure if your husband narrated his story, we will all sympathize with him. There has to be more to this story but of course you will portray yourself as the angel and your husband as the devil... You may not like this, but the most active demographic of nairaland users these days are 13 -19yrs old, what kind of advice do you really expect them to give you? Some of them will soon use your story as a meme; don't be surprised if one of them post something like "Your inlaws & satan are like 5 and 6" with the picture of president zuma joining both fingers and smiling sheepishly. I would advice you sit with your husband and tell him how you feel about his family's behavior towards your family. Communication is key in every relationship. If that doesn't work, then seek the services of a professional marriage counselor.
I wish you luck in your


Thank you sir-please advise on the processional marriage counselors.

[quote author=Clone2020 post=48875997]There's always two sides to every story. OP i'm sure if your husband narrated his story, we will all sympathize with him. There has to be more to this story but of course you will portray yourself as the angel and your husband as the devil... You may not like this, but the most active demographic of nairaland users these days are 13 -19yrs old, what kind of advice do you really expect them to give you? Some of them will soon use your story as a meme; don't be surprised if one of them post something like "Your inlaws & satan are like 5 and 6" with the picture of president zuma joining both fingers and smiling sheepishly. I would advice you sit with your husband and tell him how you feel about his family's behavior towards your family. Communication is key in every relationship. If that doesn't work, then seek the services of a professional marriage counselor.
I wish you luck in your


Thank you sir-please advise on the professional marriage counselors

thorpido:
You all need to make peace.You should try and reach out to your in-laws.
First talk to your husband on the need to be at peace with each other.Get your husband to also talk to his family members.
Make a call to your in-laws to greet them and since your mum is there,let her talk too when you make the call.
Find time to talk to visit your in-laws,you should do that at least once a year.

Sorry about your dad's passing.Your siblings and your mum(with other relatives) should determine how your dad should be buried.Your husband doesn't determine that.

Thank you-I use to think i had a good relationship with the family because I call most of them and I visit from time to time. Please advise how you convince a woman who lost her husband to communicate with her daughters family members who do not even greet her when they visit and did not even commiserate with her at her husband's death?

freshvine:
You husband is the head and he has the final opinion in your marriage... any further argument is the beginning of the end.

Learn a man's ego. Bruise it and he start hating you. It could snowball to family issues like what you just said.

How long had your mum being with you raising your kids. If she is stationary that means she has indirectly stop your husband family members from coming too and that can spark a cold war in both family.

Your husband family is the senior partner in this marriage so it is encouraged your family do reach out to them particularly your mother asking after your welfare from her in laws. It gives a sense of comfort and tension relaxation.

If the both family is fighting... I swear you're the centre of the problem. Look inward and settle with your hubby.

Start respecting his decisions. It is his home now not your family extension with how you do things over there

Thank you-my mum was working before we encouraged her to come and assist us and leave every weekend. This was after trying three maids unsuccessfully.

Please advise on how to convince a mourning woman to call a family that does not care about her and family to ask about the welfare of her daughter's husband family.

Horsesmouth:


No apologies needed, i think she is overbearing. Im sure she is yoruba, thats how their women behave and reason. Putting her domestic quandary on social media like we give a f*ck!

Thank you horsesmouth-I am not yoruba. I put this here because I needed to hear other people's input.

Twinkleme:


Thank you-I use to think i had a good relationship with the family because I call most of them and I visit from time to time. Please advise how you convince a woman who lost her husband to communicate with her daughters family members who do not even greet her when they visit and did not even commiserate with her at her husband's death?

If you win your husband love, leave him with his family. He knows what to do. As it stands now he's with his family on this and you're the interloper.

You can keep going on and on looking for cheerleaders to demonize your husband and his family.

Keep looking for sympathy instead of begging your husband until his entire family boycott your father funeral. Inlaws in some customs pay condolence homage to their other bereaved Inlaws except it ain't obtainable in your tradition.

Twinkleme:


Thank you-I use to think i had a good relationship with the family because I call most of them and I visit from time to time. Please advise how you convince a woman who lost her husband to communicate with her daughters family members who do not even greet her when they visit and did not even commiserate with her at her husband's death?

For now,I'll say you should concentrate your energy on burial plans for your dad.Send them an invite when the date is fixed and don't worry yourself about them coming or not.
If they come,good.If they don't,just live your life and concentrate on your nuclear family.Let the shame be theirs.

Hi Evina,how's it going?

thorpido:
Hi Evina,how's it going?

Very well Sir.
Thank you

Twinkleme:


Thank you-my mum was working before we encouraged her to come and assist us and leave every weekend. This was after trying three maids unsuccessfully.

Please advise on how to convince a mourning woman to call a family that does not care about her and family to ask about the welfare of her daughter's husband family.

You husband hold the ACE. Talk to him and promise him that henceforth you'll love and respect his decision as the head of the home. Massage a man ego and he'll let you control his life.

After winning his assurance, plead with him to Wade into the family issues of both Inlaw. Tell him it is weighing you down as you cannot stay in a loveless environment. Remember, consistently remind him that you are married into his family (forget whichever house you occupy right now in the city) and by extension his parents are now your parent. Tell him you love and respect them very much and would want peace to reign between families.

Your husband will talk to his mother. If he wins over his mother I tell you this war is over. Your people don't even need to reach out to them, your husband people will do that.

You see this fight.... It is a cold war between your mum and his mum. Men no get time to count error but can easily be manipulated by their wives to be on their side during disputes like this.

Mindfulness:
First of all, my deepest condolences. It's not easy to lose a parent.

You have mentioned at the beginning of your post that you are the kind of person who likes to do things properly and I respect it but what you need to learn to respect - and that's only my opinion - is that people / families are different. What you consider appropriate is not necessarily what others consider appropriate.

Obviously, your in-laws do things differently and if I were you, I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it because from what I can see is that your differing approach to how matters should be handled is about to end in a war, which may destroy your marriage.

Learn to ignore some things and do your own thing the way you learned to do things and let them do their things their own way. It's not possible for you to train your in-laws and mould them into something else, something that pleases you.

Your husband is loyal to his family and it's a good thing and you too respect your family. Now respect that his family is different, which doesn't mean that you have to like it but it will help you accept it and focus on what you have instead of focusing on what you don't.

I hope, it helps.

Thank you.

tearoses:


Sweetheart, the foundation is all wrong
My mum is at all our in-laws events and they all attend ours and sometimes they even wear exactly the same attire. They would have sent it to each other before the date.
We all have become one large family & looking in, you couldn't tell who is on which side of the family.
It takes a lot of respect and forgetting ego and pride on both sides especially when both families are flexers. This is something that I respect both sides of the family for.

When a marriage takes place, the matriarchs of both families should be prepared to accept the other family...TOTALLY!
...........That's if they want their kids to be happy cos its not about them (parents) but about the husband and wife.

I find it very strange that it took 2 years to find out that the other family did not return home safely.
They all need to go back to the very start and work their way through the strife and the healing of each other
I think the issue started even before the wedding.
Maybe one side was very overbearing & mouthy during the preparations......It happens.

I understand, but this is a matter of death. Someone has died. Do you bear grudges with a dead person?

Ishilove:

I understand, but this is a matter of death. Someone has died. Do you bear grudges with a dead person?

How old are you sef?

Both families are not in talking terms and that's make them ENEMIES.

DO you expect your enemies to commiserate with you over a loss or they're expected to mock you?

Without genuine reconciliation, enmity continues.

Ok by your standard, they should call in to apologize, attend the burial and continue the enmity?

freshvine:


How old are you sef?

Both families are not in talking terms and that's make them ENEMIES.

DO you expect your enemies to commiserate with you over a loss or they're expected to mock you?

With genuine reconciliation, enmity continues.

Ok by your standard, they should call in to apologize, attend the burial and continue the enmity?

How old am I? Definitely older than you.

Who made them enemies? Abi you're the one who brought about the enmity? There's a faulty foundation like people have pointed out, but all you and your school of thought are screaming is "beg them!!".

I bet you even want the grieving widow to call them for a peace meeting.

thelish:


She suppose bone abi?
why d man with his people nor con sabi bone? boning na for women alone?
women don suffer oo

E taya me. They are dishing out advice they themselves can't follow

Ishilove:

How old am I? Definitely older than you.

Who made them enemies? Abi you're the one who brought about the enmity? There's a faulty foundation like people have pointed out, but all you and your school of thought are screaming is "beg them!!".

I bet you even want the grieving widow to call them for a peace meeting.

With this attitude, you'll be a regular visitor on this board seeking for advice when you've done the needful

freshvine:


With this attitude, you'll be a regular visitor on this board seeking for advice when you've done the needful

Yep, advice on what kind of school to enroll my children.

Ishilove:

Yep, advice on what kind of school to enroll my children.

Lol. Ishi nsogbu.

Stop fighting the men, you can't win this fight.

Read through my submissions, I've profer solution.

Look at the problem from unbiased perspective not from feminist angle

freshvine:


Lol. Ishi nsogbu.

Stop fighting the men, you can't win this fight.

Read through my submissions, I've profer solution.

Look at the problem from unbiased perspective not from feminist angle

Ishi nsogbu... a new one

I'm no feminist. Heck, I don't even know what that means

I'm not married so I can't really proffer a solution. I can only look at the problem

Ishilove:
E taya me. They are dishing out advice they themselves can't follow

I swear! lol

thorpido:
If all men are babies,why do women like you marry babies then?Don't you think it's poor choice to marry a baby?Talking about needing love,care and respect,don't women need that too(and even more)?
Funny how you women always make this,'men are babies' statement.

How old are you thorpido? Are you married or have you ever been married? What exactly do you know about marriage? How often do you watch Hollywood movies and lastly what your home experience? If you give me the answer to this then I be able to analyze ' Don't you think it's a poor choice to marry a baby?

thorpido:
If all men are babies,why do women like you marry babies then?Don't you think it's poor choice to marry a baby?Talking about needing love,care and respect,don't women need that too(and even more)?
Funny how you women always make this,'men are babies' statement.

only stupid women make such statements. If I wanted to marry a baby, I'll give birth to one and then marry it right away.

Ishilove:

How old am I? Definitely older than you.

Who made them enemies? Abi you're the one who brought about the enmity? There's a faulty foundation like people have pointed out, but all you and your school of thought are screaming is "beg them!!".

I bet you even want the grieving widow to call them for a peace meeting.

you should know stupid comments when you see them and ignore such.

larrybee2017:


How old are you thorpido? Are you married or have you ever been married? What exactly do you know about marriage? How often do you watch Hollywood movies and lastly what your home experience? If you give me the answer to this then I be able to analyze ' Don't you think it's a poor choice to marry a baby?

-Over 40yrs
-Yes,i'm married.
-What do i know about marriage?Much,i'm in one.
-Hollywood movies......used to watch them.I don't have that much time for movies now.
-my home experience is beautiful,lovely wife and kids.

@twinkleme
This is nairaland,people will tell your mother (a grieving widow) to carry goat and cow and go and beg your husband's people.There will also be war room mentions.

Anyway it all depends on you,your character and what matters to you.I would say focus on burying your father and press ignore button on anyother thing.

I've done the love in-laws as your parents and siblings thing, I have flown the flag and finally burnt it.
1. Your in-laws are different people,they are not your parents neither are they your siblings you cannot love them overnight.Most will NEVER ever treat you with the same love and care they shower on their own son or sibling simply because we are humans and will always have a bias.I do not know what gives people the expectation that love suddenly blooms out from nowhere for someone who you've just known from a spouse whether they treat you nicely or not.Infact on NL you are told to love harder especially when you are Ill treated.

I believe relationships like this can be well managed,some people are naturally predisposed to loving and pursuing relationships while some others cannot be bothered. How many husbands are required to love their wives parents and siblings with the same force that keeps on being pushed on to the females?? I find it ridiculous.

I advocate for having an open mind when meeting in-law and then adjusting emotionally based on treatment.
There should be a chance to get to know and then form an opinion on how to move forward not suddenly force love and castigate you if you are not dying on the altar of inlaw.Now if you are accepted openly ,no horrid treatment won't you love back? Incase of Ill treatment,its logical that you micromanage,press ignore button and be cordial.If you are a horrible person then you also should be ignored.
It's the bending backward to the extend of pretending to be who you are not that is sad.You find that when you spend time and things gel,you have things in common,the fondness comes naturally.

For your case id say no one is chained to another,if your husband is disrespectful to your people a discussion is needed on a way forward.You lay bare your point and he says his and you find a way round it.Your energy should be focused on your family,your unit not people who largely are not feeding or clothing you.If you have a great relationship with hubby,establish your boundaries with in-laws and that's it.

I'm not a person who needs to be loved or liked,i don't even have to like people to be able to be cordial or kind.I just try to be fair and polite but it's 100% clear we are not close.Respect me ,I don't need your love.There can be a good cordial relationship,there's nothing wrong with that.You don't have to be falling over each other if you know you are just do not gel.Polite,cordial and kind is the way.

My sister in law goes out of her way to be petty but I just don't bother cos she's inconsequential in the larger picture.I also give room for the fact that probably in some way unknowingly i have offended her but she never even gave me a chance,she just saw me and probably didn't like my big nose.Then a whole host of other things complicated issues.
When we enter naija I still buy stuff for her and her family and say my hellos but I don't discuss anything.Im very fine with it especially cos I'm so far away.

That's one reason why I am against blind apologies,cos you may be apologising for crimes you don't know of which will now be held against you.It happened to me when I was still doing love.I have done a total 360 in the past couple of years in the sense that I have removed myself totally from any unnecessary interaction.M y parents in-law come to mine for months and are always happy but we know we are not close.I have managed to gain respect mainly because i am sensible,an asset to my family,because their son loves me and our home is obviously happy.

So mourn and bury your father and file away others in a cabinet labeled don't bother.You can always have a cordial bi-respectful relationship without all the unnecessary adjuncts.

Jahblessme:
@twinkleme
This is nairaland,people will tell your mother (a grieving widow) to carry goat and cow and go and beg your husband's people.There will also be war room mentions.

Anyway it all depends on you,your character and what matters to you.I would say focus on burying your father and press ignore button on anyother thing.

I've done the love in-laws as your parents and siblings thing, I have flown the flag and finally burnt it.
1. Your in-laws are different people,they are not your parents neither are they your siblings you cannot love them overnight.Most will NEVER ever treat you with the same love and care they shower on their own son or sibling simply because we are humans and will always have a bias.I do not know what gives people the expectation that love suddenly blooms out from nowhere for someone who you've just known from a spouse whether they treat you nicely or not.Infact on NL you are told to love harder especially when you are Ill treated.

I believe relationships like this can be well managed,some people are naturally predisposed to loving and pursuing relationships while some others cannot be bothered. How many husbands are required to love their wives parents and siblings with the same force that keeps on being pushed on to the females?? I find it ridiculous.

I advocate for having an open mind when meeting in-law and then adjusting emotionally based on treatment.
There should be a chance to get to know and then form an opinion on how to move forward not suddenly force love and castigate you if you are not dying on the altar of inlaw.Now if you are accepted openly ,no horrid treatment won't you love back? Incase of Ill treatment,its logical that you micromanage,press ignore button and be cordial.If you are a horrible person then you also should be ignored.
It's the bending backward to the extend of pretending to be who you are not that is sad.You find that when you spend time and things gel,you have things in common,the fondness comes naturally.

For your case id say no one is chained to another,if your husband is disrespectful to your people a discussion is needed on a way forward.You lay bare your point and he says his and you find a way round it.Your energy should be focused on your family,your unit not people who largely are not feeding or clothing you.If you have a great relationship with hubby,establish your boundaries with in-laws and that's it.

I'm not a person who needs to be loved or liked,i don't even have to like people to be able to be cordial or kind.I just try to be fair and polite but it's 100% clear we are not close.Respect me ,I don't need your love.There can be a good cordial relationship,there's nothing wrong with that.You don't have to be falling over each other if you know you are just do not gel.Polite,cordial and kind is the way.

My sister in law goes out of her way to be petty but I just don't bother cos she's inconsequential in the larger picture.I also give room for the fact that probably in some way unknowingly i have offended her but she never even gave me a chance,she just saw me and probably didn't like my big nose.Then a whole host of other things complicated issues.
When we enter naija I still buy stuff for her and her family and say my hellos but I don't discuss anything.Im very fine with it especially cos I'm so far away.

That's one reason why I am against blind apologies,cos you may be apologising for crimes you don't know of which will now be held against you.It happened to me when I was still doing love.I have done a total 360 in the past couple of years in the sense that I have removed myself totally from any unnecessary interaction.M y parents in-law come to mine for months and are always happy but we know we are not close.I have managed to gain respect mainly because i am sensible,an asset to my family,because their son loves me and our home is obviously happy.

So mourn and bury your father and file away others in a cabinet labeled don't bother.You can always have a cordial bi-respectful relationship without all the unnecessary adjuncts.

This is it. God bless u for this blunt n truthful post.

[quote author=Jahblessme post=48921393]@twinkleme
This is nairaland,people will tell your mother (a grieving widow) to carry goat and cow and go and beg your husband's people.There will also be war room mentions.

Anyway it all depends on you,your character and what matters to you.I would say focus on burying your father and press ignore button on anyother thing.

I've done the love in-laws as your parents and siblings thing, I have flown the flag and finally burnt it.
1. Your in-laws are different people,they are not your parents neither are they your siblings you cannot love them overnight.Most will NEVER ever treat you with the same love and care they shower on their own son or sibling simply because we are humans and will always have a bias.I do not know what gives people the expectation that love suddenly blooms out from nowhere for someone who you've just known from a spouse whether they treat you nicely or not.Infact on NL you are told to love harder especially when you are Ill treated.

I believe relationships like this can be well managed,some people are naturally predisposed to loving and pursuing relationships while some others cannot be bothered. How many husbands are required to love their wives parents and siblings with the same force that keeps on being pushed on to the females?? I find it ridiculous.

I advocate for having an open mind when meeting in-law and then adjusting emotionally based on treatment.
There should be a chance to get to know and then form an opinion on how to move forward not suddenly force love and castigate you if you are not dying on the altar of inlaw.Now if you are accepted openly ,no horrid treatment won't you love back? Incase of Ill treatment,its logical that you micromanage,press ignore button and be cordial.If you are a horrible person then you also should be ignored.
It's the bending backward to the extend of pretending to be who you are not that is sad.You find that when you spend time and things gel,you have things in common,the fondness comes naturally.

For your case id say no one is chained to another,if your husband is disrespectful to your people a discussion is needed on a way forward.You lay bare your point and he says his and you find a way round it.Your energy should be focused on your family,your unit not people who largely are not feeding or clothing you.If you have a great relationship with hubby,establish your boundaries with in-laws and that's it.

I'm not a person who needs to be loved or liked,i don't even have to like people to be able to be cordial or kind.I just try to be fair and polite but it's 100% clear we are not close.Respect me ,I don't need your love.There can be a good cordial relationship,there's nothing wrong with that.You don't have to be falling over each other if you know you are just do not gel.Polite,cordial and kind is the way.

My sister in law goes out of her way to be petty but I just don't bother cos she's inconsequential in the larger picture.I also give room for the fact that probably in some way unknowingly i have offended her but she never even gave me a chance,she just saw me and probably didn't like my big nose.Then a whole host of other things complicated issues.
When we enter naija I still buy stuff for her and her family and say my hellos but I don't discuss anything.Im very fine with it especially cos I'm so far away.

That's one reason why I am against blind apologies,cos you may be apologising for crimes you don't know of which will now be held against you.It happened to me when I was still doing love.I have done a total 360 in the past couple of years in the sense that I have removed myself totally from any unnecessary interaction.M y parents in-law come to mine for months and are always happy but we know we are not close.I have managed to gain respect mainly because i am sensible,an asset to my family,because their son loves me and our home is obviously happy.

So mourn and bury your father and file away others in a cabinet labeled don't bother.You can always have a cordial bi-respectful relationship without all the unnecessary adjuncts.


Thank you so much. I appreciate your advise.

Twinkleme:


Thank you-I use to think i had a good relationship with the family because I call most of them and I visit from time to time. Please advise how you convince a woman who lost her husband to communicate with her daughters family members who do not even greet her when they visit and did not even commiserate with her at her husband's death?

Pls, give your mother some time to grieve.
The loss is still very fresh, and she can not be objective right now. Even your brothers will want to land slaps to anyone that says 'nonsense' now including you.
Emotions are still high.
There is a time for everything under the surface of the earth.
If your in laws refuse to come for your dad's burial even after you personally invite them, that's their prerogative.
Some weeks after the burial, you can talk to your mum and your hubby his people on the need to pay condolence visit to your mum. Your brothers should also be there with her when they come to her house

I'll start by saying sorry for your loss. It's reli a pity. My advice is dis: Try and submit to ur man.no man wants to be challenged openly,dia re more subtle way of making your point n having ur own way.u know d tyms ur hubby is in a good mood, dts d tym to point out d right or wrong. If u want peace in ur hubby's family and yours, den u have to be nice to ur mum in law no matter how hard it seems. Start by simple calls. Make it a weekly thing. Encourage ur husband to visit or buy stuffs for his mum and pls appear very genuine. Once he sees dt u have truly started accepting his family for who de re , good or bad, believe me, he'll do everything to please ur family including changing his mind about how he wants ur dad is to be buried. I was ur shoes till I decided to do things differently. My mum always had something to complain to my husband but things re different NW. I also see my husband doing things I suggest cos he's d type dt feels he can't be controlled by any woman. Believe me, men re d easiest beings to control, it all depends on your approach. Be a fool n save ur marriage. At d end u'll see dt u did a wise thing . Good luck