This will serve as a lesson for everyone out there, a dog that will get lost will not listen to the hunters' whistle. For the op if and when u get a 2nd chance or perhaps 3rd chance grab it with both hands. And to every person on the thread who didn't bother about their own issues, time and whatever constraints that has reached out to her God bless u guys so much. I really learnt that we care about ourselves and there are lots of good and great people worthy of emulation on Nairaland. We all have things we deal with daily directly or indirectly!! And no one who doesn't have one or two stories to tell so op I'd advice u to see beyond the harsh words and pick out the truths embedded in what ppl have said!! When u fall, pick urself up and learn from what fell u so u won't return back to the same position!! PEACE

thorpido:
I have been to her house twice and listened to other people who were present there.
She is a lady who doesn't have a grip on herself and has made bad choices which put her in her current situation. I'm not saying she's innocent but you know the proverb that says when you are down,people trample upon you.

I've been there,so yea I know this proverb up close and personal.

thorpido:
Update.

I paid a visit to her house this morning as promised and met with the mother.

Long story short,it's a mother who is fed up with a daughter who has not learnt to take responsibility for her life in addition to making poor choices in life.She has also become unruly towards her mother which may have been borne out of frustration.
I got her to apologise to the mother and also pleaded with the mother to forgive her.She did and the mother accepted(though I know it's a work in progress).
There's an issue on ground however that will determine how they move forward- mother to daughter.The mom wants her to go back to the man she's pregnant for but she says she doesn't want the relationship anymore saying he's uncaring and abusive.

She didn't finish her period of apprentiship as a beautician because she couldn't complete her payment according to her.
She's not registered at a hospital for antenatal but once saw a traditional birth attendant and she has no money to even go back there now.
She admits she hasn't gotten a grip of her own life(I could see someone having psycological issues) and needs someone to put her right.She needs some form of therapy.

So familylanders,where do we go from here?

Cc:ifyalways,funjosh,Onegai,jaybee3,Mizmycoli.

I was going to ask you this. What do you feel she needs,as you've seen her and her family personally?

thorpido:
Update.


So familylanders,where do we go from here?

Thanks for doing this. Here is my take:

Thorpido, carefreewannabe, cococandy, Aisha2, Ifyalways, Bukatyne and some others from that old thread of hers;

2 years ago, she came here with a similar issue of poor choices. You guys even told her to NOT follow another man until she was sorted. She got sympathy, tough love and more. She argued with all the tough love and then seemingly accepted the good advice. But she didn't follow through.

She is already doing the same thing again. She has lost her cool, apologised and is now seemingly accepting good advice.

I do NOT believe it is that easy to change. I do NOT trust myself to change so easily, talk less of another. So I don't believe this. She's overwhelmed right now. When things stabilise, there is nothing stopping her from finding another guy and latching on. She keeps looking for a Father figure. But she thinks she's strong and has quite some misplaced pride and huge victim complex.

I wouldn't give her money for a business yet. Because she has been unable to manage even her personal finances and prioritise what is important, why will she amazingly run a business successfully?

I think we should come to an agreement with her mum and her place that she's taking her Beauty course. Even if she cannot pay up, she can learn trade on the floor i.e. she can pay for her training by working for the salon. So if she refuses to show up after a while, she gets nothing. That's how Apprentices get paid: working and learning. Same with paying with her upkeep: weekly paying for housekeeping. She doesn't pay, her mum should unscrew the light bulbs in the room, unplug the fan and lock the kitchen.

Because when anyone doesn't pay their rent and doesn't show up to work, the landlord and the employer deal with them. That is not harsh, that is reality.

Anyone who wishes to give her money, do NOT give her directly. Maybe Thorpido or Tehn can hold that money and tell her, in 6 months they will match whatever amount she has saved in her bank account. If all she has is N2000, they give her N2000. If she has N30,000, they add N30,000. Reward good behaviour, no mollycoddling.

She has to have someone to be constantly reporting to. If she was abroad, she would have CPS checking in and monitoring her progress (there is no such thing as "Free Help" ).

If we can get some mum who is doing her antenatal at GH Igando from Pregnancy Thread in Health section to help check that she comes for her antenatal.

You cannot save her. Talking to her sweetly may make you feel good about yourself, but all she is hearing is "this person understands that everyone in my life is evil!" and even if you tell her good advice, she will only listen to the soothing "It's not your fault, we all make mistakes" words.

Abandoning school is a mistake. Shacking up with a criminal guy and getting pregnant for him is a mistake. Coming back to your parents and fighting their decisions concerning your welfare is a mistake. Not taking your life seriously is a mistake. Hooking up with yet another man and getting pregnant for him a mistake. Not getting a steady source of income is a mistake.

Making all those mistakes together, that's an issue.

We can work on the emotional is easier when she stabilises herself. Doing those tasks gets her mind on the right path and receptive to Pyschological help.

That's my take.

Loisemm, I'm considering stepping back. She's a lot of work and she's not willing. Worse, people here are using her to attempt scoring some cheap points to boost their egos.

missjo:

I was going to ask you this. What do you feel she needs,as you've seen her and her family personally?

I'll want her to get registered at a proper clinic for her ante-natal.She sees a traditional birth attendant at the moment(I no dey for abortion as some people suggested).

She has to work.The most objective thing to do for me will be for her to complete her training as a beautician and start something to earn an income.

thorpido:
@bolded,pregnancies are different and bodies are too.I'm not absolving her of blame here but just to point out that two people can't compare pregnancies.

I understand two bodies are different,mine is as severe as my not being able to keep down food. So what do I do? Resign from work? Go on 3 or 4months leave without pay? What of bankers faced with morning sickness? You just keep patching until that phase passes. This is my first pregnancy and everyday I wake up feeling like somebody else.

thorpido:
Update.

I paid a visit to her house this morning as promised and met with the mother.

Long story short,it's a mother who is fed up with a daughter who has not learnt to take responsibility for her life in addition to making poor choices in life.She has also become unruly towards her mother which may have been borne out of frustration.
I got her to apologise to the mother and also pleaded with the mother to forgive her.She did and the mother accepted(though I know it's a work in progress).
There's an issue on ground however that will determine how they move forward- mother to daughter.The mom wants her to go back to the man she's pregnant for but she says she doesn't want the relationship anymore saying he's uncaring and abusive.

She didn't finish her period of apprentiship as a beautician because she couldn't complete her payment according to her.
She's not registered at a hospital for antenatal but once saw a traditional birth attendant and she has no money to even go back there now.
She admits she hasn't gotten a grip of her own life(I could see someone having psycological issues) and needs someone to put her right.She needs some form of therapy.

So familylanders,where do we go from here?

How much money is needed for antenatal?
How can money be donated without having to reveal one's identity?

My heart goes out to the unborn child.

She needs long-term counselling? Else she won't be able to raise these kids in a decent way. What are the chances of getting her a good counsellor?

Jaygrl:
I understand two bodies are different,mine is as severe as my not being able to keep down food. So what do I do? Resign from work? Go on 3 or 4months leave without pay? What of bankers faced with morning sickness? You just keep patching until that phase passes. This is my first pregnancy and everyday I wake up feeling like somebody else.

Yea,you drive yourself.Some don't pull themselves up.

missjo:

Why did you have to type all this even if you were thinking it?




MizMyColi, please come in here. Have you spoken to this lady yet? Please share with us your findings and perception about her kind of person.

My inputs here might seem like I'm too lenient and patient, and maybe that's because no matter how good and "perfect" I have become today to those who truly know me, I haven't always been this way.

I have made my own share of mistakes. I have been at my worst too and it took God's patience, love and kind direction to be where I am. I cannot give what I did not receive.

Concerning Moji,
Most of us here keep referring to statements she made 2 years ago. We are more concerned with using the past to draw our conclusions, than the present.

Like Apostle Paul, I choose to leave those things that are behind and keep pressing forward towards the mark.

Is this me trying to claim that Moji is a changed person? No.

But take a look at this thread, compared to the old one, how many people has she talked back at?
The one person she mustered liver to attack, whom I believe is even more interested in her than I am - we all corrected her. Since then she has maintained her calm.
That is a step towards change, no matter how irrelevant it might seem in the grand scheme of things.

My perception of Moji is that she wants to change.

I can corroborate all that Thorpido said because she admitted all those to me and I told her to make sure she downloads them to him as she has told me.
She also mentioned that an NLer wishes to help her with account opening. I told her I would message him and communicate so that I can deduce his intentions. I am not spiting anyone, but we wouldn't want her falling into wrong hands.....though I feel the person in question means well, going by his contributions so far.

Most people on here mostly get to see me on my nice days. I can be caustic too o. As in, when I criticise here, you will think I'm born to do so....I try not to be that way most times because I have seen how effective it is to correct with a firm, yet, gentle spirit.

It is easy for us to give help to people who prove to us at every turn that they deserve it, but what about natural block heads and slow learners? What about those who will never learn at a pace we feel comfortable with? Is it okay to just give up on them and tell them to their faces how hopeless their cause is?

She talked about going with elders to beg her mum. She says she doesn't want to live with the man but her mum wants it that way and that is the bone of contention. I pray they find a way around that. I assured her that Thorpido is wise and that they can reach a resolution.

Moji has given ME the impression that she wants to change. Until she proves otherwise to me, I will keep doing what I can to help.

I urge everyone, especially Onegai, not to relent. I pray that it ends in praise. Amen.

missjo:

Only Nigerians are capable of saying things like this,completely unnecessary.

Oga, my opinion...and I'm Nigerian

Mindfulness:


How much money is needed for antenatal?
How can money be donated without having to reveal one's identity?

My heart goes out to the unborn child.

She needs long-term counselling? Else she won't be able to raise these kids in a decent way. What are the chances of getting her a good counsellor?

Ante-natal is N10000 at a government hospital.
Where do you want to send the money?If you want to pay into a bank acct,you could get someone to do it for you.
The counsellors I know are those that work in hospitals.I don't know where she can get a therapist.

Onegai:


Thanks for doing this. Here is my take:

... ...

That's my take.

Loisemm, I'm considering stepping back. She's a lot of work and she's not willing. Worse, people here are using her to attempt scoring some cheap points to boost their egos.

My sister, I didn't suggest you should step back o. I said to calm down. And make sure she is willing first before rendering your tough love. So it wont be a case of forcing the horse to the stream but of course the horse cannot be forced to drink from the stream. She only 'apologized' and you started laying down the 'laws' again for her, sis. Let her willingly ask for or seek that particular 'change'. Only then can it be impactful to her. I think Oga Thorpido insinuated that maybe she is willing now? Not sure if it's for the money or total mentality change though.

Make una continue. Wish Moji the best in life. God bless you guys. Me no get money now if not I for give something at least for the innocent babies.

thorpido:
Update.

I paid a visit to her house this morning as promised and met with the mother.

Long story short,it's a mother who is fed up with a daughter who has not learnt to take responsibility for her life in addition to making poor choices in life.She has also become unruly towards her mother which may have been borne out of frustration.
I got her to apologise to the mother and also pleaded with the mother to forgive her.She did and the mother accepted(though I know it's a work in progress).
There's an issue on ground however that will determine how they move forward- mother to daughter.The mom wants her to go back to the man she's pregnant for but she says she doesn't want the relationship anymore saying he's uncaring and abusive.

She didn't finish her period of apprentiship as a beautician because she couldn't complete her payment according to her.
She's not registered at a hospital for antenatal but once saw a traditional birth attendant and she has no money to even go back there now.
She admits she hasn't gotten a grip of her own life(I could see someone having psycological issues) and needs someone to put her right.She needs some form of therapy.

So familylanders,where do we go from here?

Cc:ifyalways,funjosh,Onegai,jaybee3,Mizmycoli.

Thanks boss. God bless you.


Moji their is no one here that can help you the way it is at moment except YOU yourself. The little we can do is to advice and probably guard you so make up with your mum and make her happy, though it is not easy becauseb it's not what you are used to but it's what you can do.

Thanks Thorpido for your time and the update. I think she should be registered first for the antenatal, then we continue from there. Therapy, counselling and any other follow up can follow.

Mindfulness:


How much money is needed for antenatal?
How can money be donated without having to reveal one's identity?

My heart goes out to the unborn child.

She needs long-term counselling? Else she won't be able to raise these kids in a decent way. What are the chances of getting her a good counsellor?

In Nigeria, I would write "anonymous" or my NL username instead of my name on a bank deposit slip
Outside Nigeria, I would transfer money to the account of any of my loved ones.....and they would still do the above....write anonymous or my NL username
I talk about my other NL self sha
Cheers

thorpido:
I'll want her to get registered at a proper clinic for her ante-natal.She sees a traditional birth attendant at the moment(I no dey for abortion as some people suggested).

She has to work.The most objective thing to do for me will be for her to complete her training as a beautician and start something to earn an income.

Hopefully she's interested in completing her training,this should first be ascertained.

missjo:

Hopefully she's interested in completing her training,this should first be ascertained.

She has shown a willingness thus far.
If she ever turns back again,then she's a lost cause.

thorpido:
Ante-natal is N10000 at a government hospital.
Where do you want to send the money?If you want to pay into a bank acct,you could get someone to do it for you.
The counsellors I know are those that work in hospitals.I don't know where she can get a therapist.

How much would be 20 counselling sessions?

merahki:



In Nigeria, I would write "anonymous" or my NL username instead of my name on a bank deposit slip
Outside Nigeria, I would transfer money to the account of any of my loved ones.....and they would still do the above....write anonymous or my NL username
I talk about my other NL self sha
Cheers

Thanks.

MizMyColi:



My inputs here might seem like I'm too lenient and patient, and maybe that's because no matter how good and "perfect" I have become today to those who truly know me, I haven't always been this way.

I have made my own share of mistakes. I have been at my worst too and it took God's patience, love and kind direction to be where I am. I cannot give what I did not receive.

Concerning Moji,
Most of us here keep referring to statements she made 2 years ago. We are more concerned with using the past to draw our conclusions, than the present.

Like Apostle Paul, I choose to leave those things that are behind and keep pressing forward towards the mark.

Is this me trying to claim that Moji is a changed person? No.

But take a look at this thread, compared to the old one, how many people has she talked back at?
The one person she mustered liver to attack, whom I believe is even more interested in her than I am - we all corrected her. Since then she has maintained her calm.
That is a step towards change, no matter how irrelevant it might seem in the grand scheme of things.

My perception of Moji is that she wants to change.

I can corroborate all that Thorpido said because she admitted all those to me and I told her to make sure she downloads them to him as she has told me.
She also mentioned that an NLer wishes to help her with account opening. I told her I would message him and communicate so that I can deduce his intentions. I am not spiting anyone, but we wouldn't want her falling into wrong hands.....though I feel the person in question means well, going by his contributions so far.

Most people on here mostly get to see me on my nice days. I can be caustic too o. As in, when I criticise here, you will think I'm born to do so....I try not to be that way most times because I have seen how effective it is to correct with a firm, yet, gentle spirit.

It is easy for us to give help to people who prove to us at every turn that they deserve it, but what about natural block heads and slow learners? What about those who will never learn at a pace we feel comfortable with? Is it okay to just give up on them and tell them to their faces how hopeless their cause is?

She talked about going with elders to beg her mum. She says she doesn't want to live with the man but her mum wants it that way and that is the bone of contention. I pray they find a way around that. I assured her that Thorpido is wise and that they can reach a resolution.

Moji has given ME the impression that she wants to change. Until she proves otherwise to me, I will keep doing what I can to help.

I urge everyone, especially Onegai, not to relent. I pray that it ends in praise. Amen.

God bless you tremendously,i wouldn't want her to go live with that man either, but that's just me, her mum is so fed up with her.
Moji would have to show her mum that she has changed,or at least is on that path otherwise all this intervention here would have been for nothing.

I also feel that some of her financial woes will be curtailed once she can reestablish the trust and bond a mother and daughter is supposed to have. I wouldn't blame anyone here who doesn't want to offer financial assistance going by the way she responds to posters on her last thread,and also by the way she responded to onegia here.
Moji, I hope you're reading this.

MizMyColi:



My inputs here might seem like I'm too lenient and patient, and maybe that's because no matter how good and "perfect" I have become today to those who truly know me, I haven't always been this way.

I have made my own share of mistakes. I have been at my worst too and it took God's patience, love and kind direction to be where I am. I cannot give what I did not receive.

Concerning Moji,
Most of us here keep referring to statements she made 2 years ago. We are more concerned with using the past to draw our conclusions, than the present.

Like Apostle Paul, I choose to leave those things that are behind and keep pressing forward towards the mark.

Is this me trying to claim that Moji is a changed person? No.

But take a look at this thread, compared to the old one, how many people has she talked back at?
The one person she mustered liver to attack, whom I believe is even more interested in her than I am - we all corrected her. Since then she has maintained her calm.
That is a step towards change, no matter how irrelevant it might seem in the grand scheme of things.

My perception of Moji is that she wants to change.

I can corroborate all that Thorpido said because she admitted all those to me and I told her to make sure she downloads them to him as she has told me.
She also mentioned that an NLer wishes to help her with account opening. I told her I would message him and communicate so that I can deduce his intentions. I am not spiting anyone, but we wouldn't want her falling into wrong hands.....though I feel the person in question means well, going by his contributions so far.

Most people on here mostly get to see me on my nice days. I can be caustic too o. As in, when I criticise here, you will think I'm born to do so....I try not to be that way most times because I have seen how effective it is to correct with a firm, yet, gentle spirit.

It is easy for us to give help to people who prove to us at every turn that they deserve it, but what about natural block heads and slow learners? What about those who will never learn at a pace we feel comfortable with? Is it okay to just give up on them and tell them to their faces how hopeless their cause is?

She talked about going with elders to beg her mum. She says she doesn't want to live with the man but her mum wants it that way and that is the bone of contention. I pray they find a way around that. I assured her that Thorpido is wise and that they can reach a resolution.

Moji has given ME the impression that she wants to change. Until she proves otherwise to me, I will keep doing what I can to help.

I urge everyone, especially One.gai, not to relent. I pray that it ends in praise. Amen.

I love you even more now.

God bless you my angel.

I am only willing to help if it is based on what onegirl suggested.


No money should go to her yet only her long suffering mother. Let her mother receive the Antenatal money and register her.


She must be willing to start from the scratch humble herself.

No more tantrums and fighting with people she is learning under.

She is 26, she is a mother it has been said before she needs to sit up, no one owes her anything instead she owes her kids.


Those calling us all sorts of names why not send her all the money she needs since you are all so emphatic and we are demons.

missjo:

Sure, and she has made plenty bad decisions whose consequences she now suffers. Need we add more?

I am not referring to the past

Adoption is also a choice open to her now

@ Onegai , dont misunderstand me o. I support you and others who have chosen to show tough love to the Op. But the key word is willingness. U also realised that yourself in your last post.

If she isn't willing, let her receive money for her and her babies upkeep plus antenatal only. If not, people here trying to help with business, counselling, this and that will only be pouring money down the drain. Her mother is not poor and can cater for her comfortably more than some of us can ever do. It's just because she is not on good terms with her, that's why the Op is crying for money.

Mindfulness:


How much would be 20 counselling sessions?

I don't know but I'll try to find out.

thorpido:
I don't know but I'll try to find out.

Thank you. You are a GREAT man. I respect you a lot.

thorpido:
I don't know but I'll try to find out.

She also needs sex education and introduction to contraceptives plus condoms join.

Loisemm:
@ Onegai , dont misunderstand me o. I support you and others who have chosen to show tough love to the Op. But the key word is willingness. U also realised that yourself in your last post.

If she isn't willing, let her receive money for her and her babies upkeep plus antenatal only. If not, people here trying to help with business, counselling, this and that will only be pouring money down the drain. Her mother is not poor and can cater for her comfortably more than some of us can ever do. It's just because she is not on good terms with her, that's why the Op is for money.

I would like her to know what it feels like to earn, you know that sense of accomplishment when you pay something into your Savings account? Yeah, that's what I want for her to feel. She needs to know she can succeed at something, it will build her so much.

All of us won't be there long-term. That is why I would like her to push herself, so that if any of us are not there, she doesn't slip back into poor choices. And if she does slip back, she can identify where she went wrong and turn back. Which is why I'm pushing hard on her. When this girl gets on her feet by herself, no-one will hail her more than me.

Don't give crutches to someone when you know you are not a longterm solution. Who is going to be there calling constantly, talking her out of bad decisions? All this one we are talking here on NL, how many of us will remember in one month's time?

Mindfulness:


I love you even more now.

God bless you my angel.

I hope you won't mind when I say it again that you inspire

I love you Joor

Onegai:


So, let's get some things some things straight:

1. I am quite a good number of years older than you (more than 8 years age difference) and you are a Yoruba girl. There is a chain of command and respect in that relationship. So you will address me as "Auntie" and not "Sis" until I see fit that.

2. You are very right: I have never used a Tecno tablet in my life. I used to use a Samsung and I accidentally broke an Apple tablet maybe that's why I want yours so badly, broken screen and all

3. I have only spoken to tell you that when your mum comes home from church, you should apologise to her. And I told you I won't give you money but I will help you. But I have not insulted you, if I had, you would remember. I am a Delta woman with Yoruba relatives, a quick temper and sarcastic tongue. That combination means you will be in tears when I'm done with you. Promise.

4. A lot of people here are using you as entertainment and a cautionary tale to their children. They don't care about you. They cannot sustain you even if they dash you credit or N5,000 and will use you as gist and laughter for their friends. And they already are. But I give a shi.t about you because I don't want your next baby to be for the Vulcaniser down your street. Which is where you're heading if you don't stop and do a 180° change in your life.

5. Apology NOT accepted! You didn't mean it. Rule no.1: don't apologise if you don't mean it. I'd respect you more if you did. I have zero respect for you now, which is why I'm being tough on you. If you wanna earn that respect, you'll pull yourself up and become a great mother.

6. Yes, you're gonna start paying rent and feeding in that house. I've asked Thorpido to tell your mum. No more free lunches. Or please move out and try and do it on your own. You should also start thinking of how to pay schoolfees for your son, he's 3. Pre-K starts at 3. That's what ADULTS do: they solve their problems by relying on their skills.

7. I would advise anyone NOT to give you money, NOT to help you open a bank account, NOT to give you money to start a business. YOU ARE 26 YEARS OF AGE AND A MOTHER OF 1. YOUR MATES ARE DANCING AT THE ALTAR EVERY SATURDAY AT THEIR WEDDING AND GOING TO WORK EVERY MONDAY. You have NOT finished school, you have NOT finished your Beautician course, you have NOT held a job down in your life, you could NOT even do Olosho work properly (go to Benin, girls are using ashawo work to build houses, go to VI and Ikeja, babes dey use kitten open store and are paying their parents' bills. You're here).

You need to succeed at something and start turning your "I have NOT" into "I HAVE ACHIEVED".

If you like, please listen to those petting you. I will not pet you, I am hard on you because that means I really think you can change. If I pet you and am gentle on you, that means I assume you are a lost cause and I'm just being kind to you to fulfill my daily dose of Likes and arse-kissing on NL. I owe you nothing, I have not even helped my cousins. Some of them are you, they learned how to born throway from their mothers and now they are doing the same. I could not help them, but I may think of trying with you.

It's upto you to decide what you want yo do now. Rule no.2: you have to start owning your own decisions and accepting their consequences of them.

We cool?

This is awesome !!! Respect sis.

baby124:

She also needs sex education and introduction to contraceptives plus condoms join.

If she actually changes and shows progress,after she births the baby,she will have to cooperate with me to go on a long term family planning method.She has to be on IUD or implant.

MizMyColi:

I hope you won't mind when I say it again that you inspire

I love you Joor

Of course NOT, I am addicted to sweet words.