Assuming you found out your wife has a stash of cash somewhere that was enough to single handedly cater for you, herself and the family, would you resent her for not spending it on the family?
What if she said she wanted to save it instead, would you resent her for not spending it on you and the family instead?

This is actually about me and it happened between me and my hubby
Thanks for your honest opinions.

if it was a struggle for the husband to cater for those needs then yes she is selfish

It wasn't a struggle.

The wife just happened to be richer than the husband and he found out about her money.

How would you feel as a guy if you were in the husbands shoes?

You should feel proud that your wife has a cash reserve.
It is NOT your cash, you do not own her and all her property.

What it may show is that she is careful but you are a spendaholic and are not to be trusted with money.

worry359:
You should feel proud that your wife has a cash reserve.
It is NOT your cash, you do not own her and all her property.

What it may show is that she is careful but you are a spendaholic and are not to be trusted with money.

Thanks, this is what I feel as well.

Let me be honest it's actually my money and I am speaking from personal experience.

Our marriage is relatively new and before we got married he told me and my parents he makes up to 120000 or more every month so he has no problem taking care of me. That was actually a criteria our parents gave him, that if he can't cater for me he should postpone the wedding till he is comfortable.



Afterall everything, he found out about my money recently only for him to start telling me that he doesn't have anything and is constantly struggling to even buy food for us. And if I buy anything for myself I should also buy his.

thotianna:


Thanks, this is what I feel as well.

Let me be honest it's actually my money and I am speaking from personal experience.

Our marriage is relatively new and before we got married he told me and my parents he makes up to 120000 or more every month so he has no problem taking care of me. That was actually a criteria our parents gave him, that if he can't cater for me he should postpone the wedding till he is comfortable.



Afterall everything, he found out about my money recently only for him to start telling me that he doesn't have anything and is constantly struggling to even buy food for us. And if I buy anything for myself I should also buy his.

You people should lay down some ground rules first.
Maybe contributing 50:50 to the family finances will help.

@OP, do you consider your husbands earnings/assets for the family and yours for you to do with as you choose?

I can understand why a family would want a potential husband to be able to cater for a wife and children, however, I don't see why they would see any earnings or assets the wife has as hers to dispose with as she chooses.

That would be problematic if one considers marriage a one flesh union. At the very least, the husband should have knowledge of any income and/or assets and knowledge of what is being done with them - even if they are not used to cater for the families basic needs.

I also find it somehow dishonest to want to know a potential spouses capabilities and not to reveal ones own? Don't you see it as information kept secret from your husband?

What are you doing with this stash? Indeed, anyone in his shoes would want to know, and I don't think it unreasonable to expect at least some of it to go towards benefiting the whole family.

The fact that he "found out" will hint at betrayal, and he could in fact just be testing you to see how invested/committed/loyal to him and your union you are. Your reluctance to "buy yours and his", is saying something.

Please tell us, what are your plans for the money and why can't they be shared with him?


TV

Keep your stash of money, and invest it. Buy bonds in a bank and leave it there. If you spend your stash of money on food, when it finishes you will be bitter and that won't do anything for your marriage. Everyone should have savings for the rainy day. I don't think your condition and your husband's so desperate now at the moment.

Also try and cut down on your spendings at home since your husband is complaining, and both of you should sit down and plan your spendings together. Your husband should also be saving from his income. Its not every money that comes into your hand that should be eaten.
Move to a cheaper abode, cut down on money spent buying sharwama and suya, cut down on money spent at the beer parlour, if you're going to work, look for a neighbor that works close by and you guys be doing car pooling or if you don't have a car, look for people that work close by your office that can always drop you on the way. This.applies to your husband too.

However, hope you're presently working so you can contribute financially to your home. Don't kill the young man with financial burden, help in paying rent, amenities, and feeding.
In short, also find something doing

I don't know how you run your home but I wouldn't hide my money/assets from my husband. ..

and if I find out my husband hid his money from me, I would be angry, not because of what the money would have provided for me but because he didn't trust me enough to let me into his savings/investments..

a good marriage should be partnership.

thotianna:


Thanks, this is what I feel as well.

Let me be honest it's actually my money and I am speaking from personal experience.

Our marriage is relatively new and before we got married he told me and my parents he makes up to 120000 or more every month so he has no problem taking care of me. That was actually a criteria our parents gave him, that if he can't cater for me he should postpone the wedding till he is comfortable.



Afterall everything, he found out about my money recently only for him to start telling me that he doesn't have anything and is constantly struggling to even buy food for us. And if I buy anything for myself I should also buy his.

Babes, it appears you not only didn't know the man you married, you aren't a team player too. I don't see anything wrong in you chipping in when the chips are down though I strongly oppose the woman championing the bread. Whew, indeed no carry your savings eat food o. It is better you invest and help out in the house with proceeds. Pick some bills dear...you are a teammate...don't allow the team to fall.

By the way, if your bobo is one of those guys who wouldn't mind the woman championing the bread...hide the money further You be him helpmate not his mother!

thotianna:


Thanks, this is what I feel as well.

Let me be honest it's actually my money and I am speaking from personal experience.

Our marriage is relatively new and before we got married he told me and my parents he makes up to 120000 or more every month so he has no problem taking care of me. That was actually a criteria our parents gave him, that if he can't cater for me he should postpone the wedding till he is comfortable.



Afterall everything, he found out about my money recently only for him to start telling me that he doesn't have anything and is constantly struggling to even buy food for us. And if I buy anything for myself I should also buy his.

I don't like the fact that you hid your stash from your husband. Why is he your husband if you don't trust him enough to know about it? It seems selfish and sneaky on your part. A man you reveal your nudity to every night,yet you hid something as important as that, it shows you aren't entirely trustworthy.

That aside, why is oga suddenly hankering after your money? He promised your parents that he could take care of you on his salary,without knowledge of your stash. It is weird that he is singing a different tune now that he has discovered a gold mine. Why is his salary no longer sufficient for the family? Does he have any secret vice he is nurturing, like gambling or mistresses?

We know there is a recession but if your husband's a wise man,he would advise you to invest your money and save more for the rainy days instead of asking you to buy stuff in pairs. It shows oga is not financially smart even with his own money and should be given limited access to yours.

Anyway, I think you two have a problem with trust. Work it out. Stuff like this actually leads to divorce.

TV01:
@OP, do you consider your husbands earnings/assets for the family and yours for you to do with as you choose?

I can understand why a family would want a potential husband to be able to cater for a wife and children, however, I don't see why they would see any earnings or assets the wife has as hers to dispose with as she chooses.

That would be problematic if one considers marriage a one flesh union. At the very least, the husband should have knowledge of any income and/or assets and knowledge of what is being done with them - even if they are not used to cater for the families basic needs.

I also find it somehow dishonest to want to know a potential spouses capabilities and not to reveal ones own? Don't you see it as information kept secret from your husband?

What are you doing with this stash? Indeed, anyone in his shoes would want to know, and I don't think it unreasonable to expect at least some of it to go towards benefiting the whole family.

The fact that he "found out" will hint at betrayal, and he could in fact just be testing you to see how invested/committed/loyal to him and your union you are. Your reluctance to "buy yours and his", is saying something.

Please tell us, what are your plans for the money and why can't they be shared with him?


TV

great input from you. Sorry to use an expletive but i'd say fvck marriage with a selfish, unintelligent and dishonest person. We know in our world, things can take a completely different turn, but listen, this is selfishness to the core. If i am to psychoanalyse the op, i would use harsh words but let me remain mute on this. It seems to me the lady just came on the forum to validate her opinion. Let me give her a lil clue, if one can watch a spouse suffer( stress in this country coupled with the recession) in the name of keeping a clandestine stash of some doe while he or she has his or her life span reduced,then you are no way close to what marriage should be like. If you op can do this, i'm sorry to say you can do anything(bad) to your hubby. Let me also tell you this, there is a term called financial cheating if you've never heard of it. That is one of the types of cheating we have apart from the emotional, physical and other cheating types. What you have done is called financial cheating. I'll advice you to please google this term and bring yourself up to pace. Your husband will from now see you as not being completely commited to your union. Remember, this is the person you will get old with and will be companions to each other at old age when you will go out less and have fewer friends. If you want him to die early( na him no be my kind person) then the ball is in your court. You have created a reason for suspicion and might not see this as a course for worries, but it can elicit the same feelings as physical cheating( remember it is financial cheating). I've had to deal with so many people on this issue in marriage. My humble and disposable opinion though.

thotianna:
It wasn't a struggle.

The wife just happened to be richer than the husband and he found out about her money.

How would you feel as a guy if you were in the husbands shoes?

I am not married but we all know that Financial Issues drives most divorce/separation stories even ahead of infidelity. So there are few questions to be answeredhere...

1. Is the husband hardworking, does he believe it is his sole responsibilityvto cater for the family
2. Does the wife assist the husband in his responsibility of catering from the family whileheartedly without being forced to?
3. What are your (couple) views on finance..do you open up your financial status to each other or you make secret wealth without the other party knowing?.

I did advice that Money for the devil we know it to be should not be allowed to break a once loving union. If he is a responsible man ( which i want to believe he is), you both should plan finances together with open minds and deny the devil the chance to come between you guys.

@TV01, yvesboss, victor1983, fluxbush, sisioge, eyinjuege,

With God as my witness I went into the marriage with every intention of opening up my finances to him but I realized that he never had the same intention. I have even asked him how much he has saved in total but he didn't disclose it instead he told me not to worry about his savings and he has enough for us.

I am so shocked at his change of tune now he found out I have money. He still hasn't revealed what he has to me but now he claims he baby has enough and I have to start spending on him.

yvesboss:



I did advice that Money for the devil we know it to be should not be allowed to break a once loving union. If he is a responsible man ( which i want to believe he is), you both should plan finances together with open minds and deny the devil the chance to come between you guys.

He doesn't want to do this He wants to hide his own money and know everything about mine.

thotianna:
@TV01, yvesboss, victor1983, fluxbush, sisioge, eyinjuege,

With God as my witness I went into the marriage with every intention of opening up my finances to him but I realized that he never had the same intention. I have even asked him how much he has saved in total but he didn't disclose it instead he told me not to worry about his savings and he has enough for us.

I am so shocked at his change of tune now he found out I have money. He still hasn't revealed what he has to me but now he claims he baby has enough and I have to start spending on him.

I am sorry, i think my lack of some vital info made me make my comment above. Give him a nice treat( maybe make a good dinner and tell him you have something special for him). Bring him close and talk it over. He probably is at fault as much as you. He should be the man by opening up to you. The more you open up to each other, the closer you will get. Depending on the type of person he is(man ego i'm trying to imply) massage his pride a little by apologising first, then tell him what you wish in the union, but please it has to include financial transparency and commitment on both sides.

thotianna:


He doesn't want to do this He wants to hide his own money and know everything about mine.

I have heard of this reaction from some men. Don't spend the money, the economy is not going to improve till at least 6 months. Go and invest in Treasury bills and Mutual funds. Tell him what you did and say the money is available IF the family needs it but it would be unwise to spend it when the future is uncertain. If any emergency comes up, you guys should have backup finances and be willing to help the family. If a serious issue arises, you should make the money available then, but only a serious issue. Continue being prudent with the finances as before. If he wishes to keep kicking up a fuss, give the money to your parents as a gift for their medical bills.

A lot of couples are given horrendous advice from all sorts and one of the most popular is "Don't tell your spouse how much you earn". You and he must be able to be honest, you don't need to know how every kobo was spent or saved but have a general idea so that in case of any surprises, you're not shaking. It is not about "my wife held back money from me", that was wrong of you. But his reaction "eh, shey she has money, let her be using it" is wrong of him too. And if you spend that money and next year find yourself scrimping and saving desperately (prices of goods in Nigeria are rising), you will never trust him again and he will take his guilt out on you in anger.

You know how much a baby costs. You know what it is to go to market with N15,000 and come back with less than 10 items. Don't spend that money, apologise for not telling him but make it clear: that is the family Emergency fund, it is available when all hell breaks loose. And if he starts doing things like refusing to pay bills, let him. If he refuses to pay for PHCN and they cut the light, nne sit in the dark.

thotianna:
@TV01, yvesboss, victor1983, fluxbush, sisioge, eyinjuege,

With God as my witness I went into the marriage with every intention of opening up my finances to him but I realized that he never had the same intention. I have even asked him how much he has saved in total but he didn't disclose it instead he told me not to worry about his savings and he has enough for us.

I am so shocked at his change of tune now he found out I have money. He still hasn't revealed what he has to me but now he claims he baby has enough and I have to start spending on him.

If I believe these claims – as I will for the sake of discussion, you are not exonerated by them. All that this means is that your husband is also implicated. Your problems are now multiplied; A shaky foundation atop which you have layered mistrust as a base. Not good.

I have no issues with your family querying him, but before he revealed anything to them, he should have opened up to you and shared a L/T family vision – including finances before you agreed to take that final step. Your family querying your husband about his financial capability does not – as you have discovered – ensure his character worthiness.

I suspect you always had doubts didn’t you? Could this be why you were not forthcoming? Why, oh why, do people proceed with doubts and false hopes that things will change for the better?

To say you intended to after marriage, is an issue, as to my mind, one should do so before the fact, and in any event, one is duty-bound to do so once the step is taken.

Your problem is perhaps worse than his, as not only is he seemingly willing to renege on what was discussed (although with some possible reason & maybe as a test?), but it seems he may be willing to foist his responsibility on to you if he can get away with it? Not good.

You have to rebuild, the problem now is what you have to work with. If you are ascribing him a selfish, irresponsible and sneaky character, what can you build on that?

You need to go back to basics. Agree an accord, based of course on full transparency. He should then resume his promise, and you should commit to investing the major part of what you have towards medium and long-term strategic family plans, with perhaps a token towards immediate needs if he is truly struggling.

How either of you will ever be sure or trusting/trustworthy, I am not sure. Time will tell, but trust will take time to restore even if you mean and commit to it.

Don’t relinquish control to him and make sure you can see and taste whatever you agree to spend your money on and you are clearly designated as co-owner.

I can’t sleep with my wife with one eye open. Haba! Wannaweds please take note.

All the best.


TV

Onegai thank you very much, I was actually going to invest the money that was my Intention for saving in the first place.

But the way he is sounding now as if he is not happy I saved money and he wants me to exhaust it immediately. I told him I want to buy land with it but he kept going on about how there is barely money for food.

Begone all this He never complained of finance, he always claimed he can handle everything.
Can you believe he told me that the reason why he is hiding his total savings from me is cos he knows I will start demanding based on what he had as if that is a bad thing.

While we were dating we never had issues with money because I never asked him for anything, I have always had my own money so I didn't take extra measures to find out what he had, I just took his word that he can cater for the family and didn't bother about his money.

thotianna:
@TV01, yvesboss, victor1983, fluxbush, sisioge, eyinjuege,

With God as my witness I went into the marriage with every intention of opening up my finances to him but I realized that he never had the same intention. I have even asked him how much he has saved in total but he didn't disclose it instead he told me not to worry about his savings and he has enough for us.

I am so shocked at his change of tune now he found out I have money. He still hasn't revealed what he has to me but now he claims he baby has enough and I have to start spending on him.

If what you say is true, then my apologies to you for misjudging you. Still,there is that utter lack of trust between you two. It is and will be the elephant in the room. Sorry to say this but your husband is not a ' husband material' . He is very selfish and doesn't have a firm grasp on reality. As Onegai said,your money should be invested and kept as a backup for emergencies. That is true for sensible and responsible men. The way you described yours is far from it. What is the guarantee that he won't raise hell about you investing your money? What is your husband's idea of a serious family emergency? If he says A is an emergency and you must use that money for it, and you don't agree with him,what next?

How did he even find out about the money if you didn't tell him? Was he snooping around or a bird whispered into his ears? Why is he so reluctant to share his financial status with you and insistent on spending your money? If you are faced with the fact that your husband is a goldminer, what do you intend to do? My questions don dey too much sef.

I am not part of your marriage but all I can say is be wise. Have a talk with him and discuss your fears. Get a feel of his reaction and replies, then go on from there.

fluxbush:


How did he even find out about the money if you didn't tell him? Was he snooping around or a bird whispered into his ears? Why is he so reluctant to share his financial status with you and insistent on spending your money? If you are faced with the fact that your husband is a goldminer, what do you intend to do? My questions don dey too much sef.

I am not part of your marriage but all I can say is be wise. Have a talk with him and discuss your fears. Get a feel of his reaction and replies, then go on from there.

He was snooping on my phone
I doubt he will reveal his money to me. He always takes extra care to delete any bank transaction from his phone both debit and credit and like I said he doesn't want me to demand based on what he has.

If the man has been breaking his own back to care for the family thinking you dont have then you have done a big wrong.
Just like if you have been slaving away for the house and you find out that your husband actually has a stash somewhere and watching you suffer away

Also what was your financial agreement regarding the house?

thotianna:


He was snooping on my phone
I doubt he will reveal his money to me. He always takes extra care to delete any bank transaction from his phone both debit and credit and like I said he doesn't want me to demand based on what he has.

I always knew he was a selfish person but I thought it was something I can handle because I am not even a demanding person to start with. I didn't know the selfishness will extend to my money.

Just divorce him

raumdeuter:
If the man has been breaking his own back to care for the family thinking you dont have then you have done a big wrong.
Just like if you have been slaving away for the house and you find out that your husband actually has a stash somewhere and watching you suffer away

Also what was your financial agreement regarding the house?

He hasn't been breaking his back. I support him. I have bought appliances and even regularly spend on foodstuff.

Our agreement was that he would be primarily in charge of finances.

raumdeuter:


Just divorce him

What?

No. I need soutions

thotianna:
He hasn't been breaking his back. I support him. I have bought appliances and even regularly spend on foodstuff.
Our agreement was that he would be primarily in charge of finances.

How do you know he is not breaking his back, Some men might not openly complain but they might be struggling

If he is primarily in charge of finances then what is your own income supposed to go towards?

thotianna:
What? No. I need soutions

Divorce is also a solution. That way you can enjoy your money the way you want without anyone questioning you or casting doubtful eyes

One question If you found out he was the one who had the stash somewhere how will you feel

thotianna:
Onegai thank you very much, I was actually going to invest the money that was my Intention for saving in the first place.

But the way he is sounding now as if he is not happy I saved money and he wants me to exhaust it immediately. I told him I want to buy land with it but he kept going on about how there is barely money for food.

Begone all this He never complained of finance, he always claimed he can handle everything.
Can you believe he told me that the reason why he is hiding his total savings from me is cos he knows I will start demanding based on what he had as if that is a bad thing.

While we were dating we never had issues with money because I never asked him for anything, I have always had my own money so I didn't take extra measures to find out what he had, I just took his word that he can cater for the family and didn't bother about his money.

I can't believe the type of selfish person he is revealing himself to be.

My dear, he might be a selfish person, but guess what? He's YOUR selfish person. You just have to manage what you've got.
You were all raised differently, so expect you guys not to have the same mentality about everything.

He probably feels you're stingy.
Do you contribute in the home monthly?

Tell him what bills you can help with in the home.

This should be from your monthly earnings and not your savings.

Otherwise you guys are living above your means.

Money is so easy to spend, and so hard to save. Sigh...

thotianna:


He was snooping on my phone
I doubt he will reveal his money to me. He always takes extra care to delete any bank transaction from his phone both debit and credit and like I said he doesn't want me to demand based on what he has.

I always knew he was a selfish person but I thought it was something I can handle because I am not even a demanding person to start with. I didn't know the selfishness will extend to my money.

Snooping?? Ugh! He even deletes his bank alerts? Nne,you ve entered one chance. Hold up! You saw the signs at the beginning. Why in seven hells did you think it wouldn't be a problem? You want solutions? Sorry you ain't getting any. Guys like yours will never stop, never rest till they get their sticky fingers on your money.


I pray for your sake you won't appear on one of these unsolved spousal murders, shown on TV. My bad! Just kidding.

raumdeuter:


How do you know he is not breaking his back, Some men might not openly complain but they might be struggling

If he is primarily in charge of finances then what is your own income supposed to go towards?

He agreed to be primarily in charge of finances while I am primarily in charge of housekeeping and childcare.
We agreed to follow the traditional roles in our marriage.

Divorce is also a solution. That way you can enjoy your money the way you want without anyone questioning you or casting doubtful eyes

One question If you found out he was the one who had the stash somewhere how will you feel

This isn't about me wanting to hide money, it's about how he doesn't want to open up.
And if I find out he had money, and he told me he wants to invest for our home then we'll and good I hold nothing against him

fluxbush:
Snooping?? Ugh! He even deletes his bank alerts? Nne,you ve entered one chance. Hold up! You saw the signs at the beginning. Why in seven hells did you think it wouldn't be a problem? You want solutions? Sorry you ain't getting any. Guys like yours will never stop, never rest till they get their sticky fingers on your money.


I pray for your sake you won't appear on one of these unsolved spousal murders, shown on TV. My bad! Just kidding.

That was too harsh

TV01:
I suspect you always had doubts didn’t you? Could this be why you were not forthcoming? Why, oh why, do people proceed with doubts and false hopes that things will change for the better?

thotianna:
I always knew he was a selfish person but I thought it was something I can handle because I am not even a demanding person to start with. I didn't know the selfishness will extend to my money.

Did you by any chance introduce him to your family as "this selfish man I am considering spending the rest of my life with"?

You still don’t get it really do you? You enter marriage with a shared vision. He should have one that he shares with you. One you should be happy with, buy into, and you both agree to revise if seemly. This is of course based on him having the character attributes you desire in a spouse. And I would suggest all positive ones.

Now as head of the home he has final say on how you dispose of your joint means. Not that you shouldn’t discuss and agree, not that he will not agree with your proposals if superior, but he has final call. It’s his responsibility.

So saying you intended to buy land, is not a family decision, even if it’s the best possible course. That is your call, without his input or agreement. Still wrong.

Because you have built and layered as previously noted, I can understand why you should be wary, but you can’t build this atop that and expect the optimal outcome.

You are saying; “we spend your money as you are bound too, and mine as I choose”. No, that effectively makes you the head. Whatever course you decide, you must both agree.

He is unlikely to agree to that. Not least because it gives you leverage over him, more so because you both have not established trust. I am pretty certain that if he knew that you would unhesitatingly step in to help if needed, and were investing what you had with full transparency, he wouldn’t have much of an issue. Especially if you are prudent.

Many men let their wives run finances (although I think they should at least retain oversight). Your big mutual issues is mistrust, suspicion and doubt. They can plague a union. How you work through the mistrust and his bad character - if true - is the issue.

Like I said in my previous post, therein lies the solution. Commit to full transparency, but be wary, and rebuild from the ground up.

All the best.


TV

TV01:


Now as head of the home he has final say on how you dispose of your joint means. Not that you shouldn’t discuss and agree, not that he will not agree with your proposals if superior, but he has final call. It’s his responsibility.

So saying you intended to buy land, is not a family decision, even if it’s the best possible course. That is your call, without his input or agreement. Still wrong.

Because you have built and layered as previously noted, I can understand why you should be wary, but you can’t build this atop that and expect the optimal outcome.

You are saying; “we spend your money as you are bound too, and mine as I choose”. No, that effectively makes you the head. Whatever course you decide, you must both agree.

We don't have joint finances because I don't even know how much he has. He refused to tell me