I am Igbo and married to a yoruba lady 3yrs now with no child. We moved to California USA about 2 yrs ago.

My wife can be lovely sometimes and a dare devil at other times!

My first issue with my wife is her mouth. It is as saucy and abusive as a completely illetrate woman under a abusive spell. She can 'curse' anytime...anywhere...and she can say anything even when we in public. I have cautioned, begged and even fought severally with her to express my dislike for abuses but she wouldn't just stop. We returned home
for xmas and we had a slight argument, next thing she gave me a very chilli curse in the presence of my siblings. Everyone kept mute and watched her in complete disbelief and suprise!!. I felt extremely embarassed. My elder bro had to callme aside and ask...is this first time she is doing this or is this what u have been covering up and enduring?
Pleas advice me ....what is the best way to curb this abusive habit frm my wife...is this generally a Yoruba habit or is it just with her??



Now the other issue i have with my wife is suspected unwilligness to accept and integrate into the igbo culture.

It started about few months after our wedding. We had a slight argument and then my younger sister called and greeted me in igbo. After i dropped the call, my wife pounced at me and told me never ever to speak igbo in the house if i wanted peace to rein. I couldn't believe my ears. You see, sometimes i dont blame men that raise their hands on a woman coz these are the kind of situations that can result to one. I had never been this provoked all my life like i was when she made that statement. I still wonder how she didny receive atleast 2 hot slaps that moment. We had a very big argument that day and kept malice for weeks. I kept late night and even smoked/drunk for the first time in my life.

Also, while in the usa... i noticed wheenever i mentioned travelling to my village to see extended relations, she will flair up and find one way or another to prevent us frm going. I had issues booking the flight tickets and she kept saying its God trying to
prevent us from going. When i finally succeeded in booking the flight, she called her mum to inform her that i was booking a trip to the village against her wish and i should be held responsible for whatever happens to her. She even at one point said any ritual fashioned against her will not prosper. See me see whalala
oo....!!
Although her dad had big issues with his relations and he moved to the city where he bought a house and stayed as his new abode and raised all his kids to acknowledge this new abode in the city as their home. So they were never close to any of her paternal relations. Infact none of her paternal relations came for our wedding to my greatest suprise.
On my end, i have a very extended relation from both parents and as i kid i always looked forward to travelling to the village to receonnect with relations and i still
maintain such reconnect till today.

Please i knw she reads this blog well. I need yoruba ladies who married igbo or any igbo lady to help enlighten her on igbo traditions and expectations as a wife of an igbo man. I regret not doing this before i got married atleast.

Apologies if too long...i just had ti pour out my hrt!!

I hope it's isn't another story forged to get sympathy or likes..

Na wao

kaziblake:
I hope it's isn't another story forged to get sympathy or likes..

Lady....these are opinions u just keep in ur mind and not to come distort potential readers or advisers. U think i ll wake at 4am to type forged story!!!

kaziblake:
I hope it's isn't another story forged to get sympathy or likes..

It is not forged my dear I know a guy who experienced this..

This is the reason why my Igbo brothers run away from them.
This is the real truth I'm not hatin here

Op I don't know where to start I dny know where to end but trust me most of them are like that.. Do to wat their parents tell them against Igbo wen they train them up. This is a fact

Im sorry abt ur situation but there's little or nothing u can do abt it. Unless God intervened.
I'm so so sorry. I feel ur pain.

Madam 1alex4u..... It is in every igbo man's blood to go back to the village just to hear Nnoooo, so, i just don't understand why you would think your husband wants to do you bad, its all in your head . besides, did you mistakenly marry him, abi, you did not know he was igbo before you said i do. Infact, how do you even Expect someborry to forget his root because he married you, are you the mother of God or assistant mother of Jesus?.
Biko, please be tolerant and compromising.
As for the abusive nature, op didn't you see the trait in her before you married her?
And i think, the expectations of being married to an igbo man is the same as being married to a hausa, efik, yoruba man....... Just be a wife. abi there are expectations that concern the igbo tradition that is unknown? If yes, school your wife Yourself, that is why you are one.

Besides, your wife's side of this story is needed.

mysticgal:
Madam 1alex4u..... It is in every igbo man's blood to go back to the village just to hear Nnoooo, so, i just don't understand why you would think your husband wants to do you bad, its all in your head . besides, did you mistakenly marry him, abi, you did not know he was igbo before you said i do. Infact, how do you even Expect someborry to forget his root because he married you, are you the mother of God or assistant mother of Jesus?.
Biko, please be tolerant and compromising.
As for the abusive nature, op didn't you see the trait in her before you married her?
And i think, the expectations of being married to an igbo man is the same as being married to a hausa, efik, yoruba man....... Just be a wife. abi there are expectations that concern the igbo tradition that is unknown? If yes, school your wife Yourself, that is why you are one.

Besides, your wife's side of this story is needed.

I understand how DAT dude feel.
Many months ago i wrote something exactly like this abt yoruba ladies and their behavior Exactly what d op said here...but they all came after.
Abusing me..
In fact that moniker was banned I had to deactivate it,
YORUBA PARENTS SHOULD DO SOMETIN ABT THIS ITS VERY BAD..

You can say not all of them are like DAT.. But most of them are.

NIGHTMAREOO7:



I understand how DAT dude feel.
Many months ago i wrote something exactly like this abt yoruba ladies and their behavior Exactly what d op said here...but they all came after.
Abusing me..
In fact that moniker was banned I had to deactivate it,
YORUBA PARENTS SHOULD DO SOMETIN ABT THIS ITS VERY BAD..

You can say not all of them are like DAT.. But most of them are.

Thats too much of a generalization, i used to think so too, considering the environment i grew up in(the barracks), which gave me the perspective that yoruba people were dirty skunks and very abusive. but..... right now, i have close yoruba friends who are neither of such(dirty or abusive).
My point is, maybe her environment, up bringing or relationship with certain people gave a good run for the behaviour she's dis playing.

(ooo ooo, i saw that so late :O)

mysticgal:

Thats too much of a generalization, i used to think so too, considering the environment i grew up in(the barracks), which gave me the perspective that yoruba people were dirty skunks and very abusive. but..... right now, i have close yoruba friends who are neither of such(dirty or abusive).
My point is, maybe her environment, up bringing or relationship with certain people gave a good run for the behaviour she's dis playing.

(ooo ooo, i saw that so late :O)

Thanks for your comment. This has nothing to do with tribe, it's purely an individual trait!

Hmmmm, you obviously didn't perform due deligence on her before marriage. Just wait until you get to the baby-naming-point in the future...It is well. How is it possible that anyone would have a crush on someone with a caustic mouth let alone marry one? It sounds scary man! By the way, yes some Yoruba folks can insult the living into a dead person...while others can't stand that sheet.This isn't peculiar to a tribe IMO.


At this point, I doubt if she would embrace your culture. You are therefore on your own. Maybe she would change as time goes by by just liking some really likable stuffs in Igbo land. Eg, the food, the names ...

This has got nothing to do with her tribe. Its the way she was brought up, as well as the environment she grew up in, and the influence it had on her.

I'm not going to tell you to "manage" the situation, or hope for the best, or seek for intervention. You can't teach old dogs new tricks. This is is a part of her that will be extremely difficult to get rid of.
Don't say you never noticed some of this traits in her before you got married. You obviously married out of lust and infatuation.
Perhaps your not being able to have kids yet has aggravated her behaviour? That's possible too, especially if she feels your people are secretly mocking her.

If I were in your shoes, I will consider calling it quits with the marriage. Yes, divorce is not a crime. A peaceful dissolution, rather than constant strife, which might lead to a much nastier outcome is better. Accept your mistake and work towards getting out of it. Life is too short to have someone who perpetually makes you unhappy share the same roof with you.

Any woman that will stop me from going home every Xmas to reconnect with my people, holy ghost fire!!!!.

What is the essence of my living if I can't go home and feel free with my family and speak my dialect as a full bloodied Igbo man.

Any woman that loves you, will blend with your culture and she will love whatever you love dearly.

Well as for the curses/insults/yabbings I believe you should have noticed she has such tendencies before marriage, some of my people can actually yab a dead person and he/she will ressurect to be honest but its not a general thing and I believe its majorly because of the upbringing and environment.

If she grew up in a house where they call themselves 'weere' 'oloshi' 'oloriburuku' as pet or nicknames its going to be a major issue, uprooting such character is almost always difficult, I would have thought living in the US would have refined her a bit but as it is it has not, you just have to keep working on her. Its a big issue honestly for someone like me that hates it when people curse or insult anyhow so I can imagine how you feel. Try and find solutions I dunno if there are classes one can attend to help one speak properly and politely without insults over, if there are kindly enrol her and keep praying for her too.

As for the cultural adaptation, I believe she should know the culture she is marrying to. Quite a number of Yoruba families do not go to their hometown for a lot of reasons you can see teenagers or even adults in their 20s that have never been to their hometown before in Yoruba land, so that may be the mentality she is bringing to the travelling home ish.

Personally I still can't understand why Igbos have to congregate every December at the village but its their way of life and must be respected by someone marrying from there, everybody in Nigeria knows you guys must travel in December so I am surprised it is being an issue.


Maybe you have not told her before now, let her know its your culture to go home in December and see our people and that's when all of you see those you have not seen in a while.

I also hope she's not feeling insecure because she doesn't have a child yet and that's why she doesn't want to go to the village, I had a cousin whose wife didn't come for family get together until she had a baby that survived ,people have different approach to things.

When children start coming hope there won't be war with names, naming ceremony like someone mentioned earlier, omugwo etc etc.

By the way we would like to hear her own side of the story.

Its nice you acknowledged she's not a dare devil at all times.


This too shall pass

I'm sure she was all loving and caring towards your family while you guys were dating! Well, you can't do anything about it unless she truly encounters Jesus or you divorce her. Remember you only gat one life to live. Didn't you notice the behaviour while courting?

This is why it's imperative to take the time to know someone in and out before marriage, and then make an informed decision.

But you're already married and as long as this doesn't turn into emotional or physical abuse (yes, women can be abusive towards men too), stick with it. You should communicate your unhappiness with her in a gentle manner. It's very likely that she is unhappy about some things too. Take the time to communicate and listen to each other. You should also go for counseling together as a couple as well as individually.

This has absolutely nothing to do with tribe.. you didn't study your wife well enough before marrying her but there is no use crying over spilt milk, you just have to find a lasting solution to all of this.
I have an igbo girlfriend that is also very very abusive... she rains insults at will at her partner (she is over 30 and still single as a result).
So it's not a matter of tribe but her character. I don't subscribe to divorce unless there is a threat to life, so I suggest you pray to God for a change and also inform her parents of her character, if there is someone in her life she listens to, inform the person as well.
Have you tried talking to her really calmly about her change of attitude? If you haven't , try that as well..
As for the going home part, while *yetseyi* might be very correct, things might actually get a lot worse wen your wife starts having kids, so it best you find a way to make her come to terms with visiting your hometown as often as you would like to.

All the best.

This kind of problem will always come when people follow intertribal marriage advice on Nairaland from people who are happily married to partners of same tribe.


Truth is that YOU can never escape this issue for as long as you remain married with a woman of different tribe. Situations will arise and she'd 'yab' your language, your food, village, culture, even parents. If you must remain married, tolerance and endurance are inevitable. You just cannot escape this issue. It is one of those things faceless entities will never tell you on Nairaland until you're IN. They will so push you and make you assume that an Ibibio man can live with a Yoruba woman for 100 years without cultural and attitudinal clashes.



Keep enduring bro, and prepare for the worst. Soon, she might tell you that your village or family house STINKS.

Acidosis:
This kind of problem will always come when people follow intertribal marriage advice on Nairaland from people who are happily married to partners of same tribe.


Truth is that YOU can never escape this issue for as long as you remain married with a woman of different tribe. Situations will arise and she'd 'yab' your language, your food, village, culture, even parents. If you must remain married, tolerance and endurance are inevitable. You just cannot escape this issue. It is one of those things faceless entities will never tell you on Nairaland until you're IN. They will so push you and make you assume that an Ibibio man can live with a Yoruba woman for 100 years without cultural and attitudinal clashes.



Keep enduring bro, and prepare for the worst. Soon, she might tell you that your village or family house STINKS.

Are you saying intertribal marriage may never work

mysticgal:
Are you saying intertribal marriage may never work

It will always work when both parties are ready to endure and tolerate
Just as we're tolerating and enduring

Firstly...and lastly, that foul mouth is all I need to say NO! That's the first thing I look for in a woman. Her month.. .haba I no fit stand. Like the op said, sometimes we just have to see reasons with some women get battered because they brought it upon themselves.

And if I was in your shoes, I'll ask for a separation and if it doesn't work, I'll divorce her pronto!

There's nothing, no treasure, no gift, no luxury, nothing as sweet as having peace of mind.

Honestly, I'll just quietly leave her oh. All other 'flaws' you mentioned are not peculiar to a particular tribe but all tribes. So the first and most important issue is the mouth. There's a limit to one's tolerance.

Acidosis:


It will always work when both parties are ready to endure and tolerate

Just as we're tolerating and enduring

Lol.... Fear catch me. Besides, i am a product of an intertribal marriage and wish i could do same

kaboninc:
Firstly...and lastly, that foul mouth is all I need to say NO! That's the first thing I look for in a woman. Her month.. .haba I no fit stand. Like the op said, sometimes we just have to see reasons with some women get battered because they brought it upon themselves.

And if I was in your shoes, I'll ask for a separation and if it doesn't work, I'll divorce her pronto!

There's nothing, no treasure, no gift, no luxury, nothing as sweet as having peace of mind.

Honestly, I'll just quietly leave her oh. All other 'flaws' you mentioned are not peculiar to a particular tribe but all tribes. So the first and most important issue is the mouth. There's a limit to one's tolerance.

Hmmm, i wonder the kind of words she used.

1Alex4u:
I am Igbo and married to a yoruba lady 3yrs now with no child. We moved to California USA about 2 yrs ago.

My wife can be lovely sometimes and a dare devil at other times!

My first issue with my wife is her mouth. It is as saucy and abusive as a completely illetrate woman under a abusive spell. She can 'curse' anytime...anywhere...and she can say anything even when we in public. I have cautioned, begged and even fought severally with her to express my dislike for abuses but she wouldn't just stop. We returned home
for xmas and we had a slight argument, next thing she gave me a very chilli curse in the presence of my siblings. Everyone kept mute and watched her in complete disbelief and suprise!!. I felt extremely embarassed. My elder bro had to callme aside and ask...is this first time she is doing this or is this what u have been covering up and enduring?
Pleas advice me ....what is the best way to curb this abusive habit frm my wife...is this generally a Yoruba habit or is it just with her??



Now the other issue i have with my wife is suspected unwilligness to accept and integrate into the igbo culture.

It started about few months after our wedding. We had a slight argument and then my younger sister called and greeted me in igbo. After i dropped the call, my wife pounced at me and told me never ever to speak igbo in the house if i wanted peace to rein. I couldn't believe my ears. You see, sometimes i dont blame men that raise their hands on a woman coz these are the kind of situations that can result to one. I had never been this provoked all my life like i was when she made that statement. I still wonder how she didny receive atleast 2 hot slaps that moment. We had a very big argument that day and kept malice for weeks. I kept late night and even smoked/drunk for the first time in my life.

Also, while in the usa... i noticed wheenever i mentioned travelling to my village to see extended relations, she will flair up and find one way or another to prevent us frm going. I had issues booking the flight tickets and she kept saying its God trying to
prevent us from going. When i finally succeeded in booking the flight, she called her mum to inform her that i was booking a trip to the village against her wish and i should be held responsible for whatever happens to her. She even at one point said any ritual fashioned against her will not prosper. See me see whalala
oo....!!
Although her dad had big issues with his relations and he moved to the city where he bought a house and stayed as his new abode and raised all his kids to acknowledge this new abode in the city as their home. So they were never close to any of her paternal relations. Infact none of her paternal relations came for our wedding to my greatest suprise.
On my end, i have a very extended relation from both parents and as i kid i always looked forward to travelling to the village to receonnect with relations and i still
maintain such reconnect till today.

Please i knw she reads this blog well. I need yoruba ladies who married igbo or any igbo lady to help enlighten her on igbo traditions and expectations as a wife of an igbo man. I regret not doing this before i got married atleast.

Apologies if too long...i just had ti pour out my hrt!!

its simple.. you have married an aje and emere

Quietboy2017:
To the above speaker how many igbo women do u see cursing compare them to Yoruba.@op that's a yoruba woman for u.useless set of things am sure u married ur wife cheap..


Xmas promo

Marry one Yoruba woman and get two cousins free

may the Holy Ghost and dry thunder strike u thin u arrogant ugwu eater or is it periwinkle eater

mysticgal:
Madam 1alex4u..... It is in every igbo man's blood to go back to the village just to hear Nnoooo, so, i just don't understand why you would think your husband wants to do you bad, its all in your head . besides, did you mistakenly marry him, abi, you did not know he was igbo before you said i do. Infact, how do you even Expect someborry to forget his root because he married you, are you the mother of God or assistant mother of Jesus?.
Biko, please be tolerant and compromising.
As for the abusive nature, op didn't you see the trait in her before you married her?
And i think, the expectations of being married to an igbo man is the same as being married to a hausa, efik, yoruba man....... Just be a wife. abi there are expectations that concern the igbo tradition that is unknown? If yes, school your wife Yourself, that is why you are one.

Besides, your wife's side of this story is needed.

In sincerity I saw this trait in her while we courted and I expressed displeasure in it. She seemed improving though in bits. I felt the change will continue as we progress into marriage but how wrong was I!!

in reality, no lady is 100% perfect b4 marriage, it's always a question of what can one manage while in the marriage no wht can you one hope to change.....

mysticgal:

Lol.... Fear catch me. Besides, i am a product of an intertribal marriage and wish i could do same

Lol, no fear dear. We only have to face realities and get ready to ignore certain issues.


For instance, I visit my villa at least 2 times yearly. Getting married to a woman who has never been to her village will definitely cause issues. Again, the road that leads to my village is in a terrible state, dust and harmattan everywhere. Getting married to a woman who spent all her childhood and adult life in Lagos Island will equally yield serious issues. We only have to be realistic. Even if she fails to complain (as in OP's case), her mind would be filled with unsaid stuffs.

I wouldn't blame that woman actually. I'm sure she must have read a lot about widowhood in the east, etc. Reality is what I love to preach sometimes. In doesn't matter how long people ignore reality, they will face it someday.

Acidosis:


Lol, no fear dear. We only have to face realities and get ready to ignore certain issues.


For instance, I visit my villa at least 2 times yearly. Getting married to a woman who has never been to her village will definitely cause issues. Again, the road that leads to my village is in a terrible state, dust and harmattan everywhere. Getting married to a woman who spent all her childhood and adult life in Lagos Island will equally yield serious issues. We only have to be realistic. Even if she fails to complain (as in OP's case), her mind would be filled with unsaid stuffs.

I wouldn't blame that woman actually. I'm sure she must have read a lot about widowhood in the east, etc. Reality is what I love to preach sometimes. In doesn't matter how long people ignore reality, they will face it someday.

Widowhood in ijebu ode land is scary also i have my own experience through my mother, even as a yoruba/ijebu ode person i can't have anything to do with an Ijebu ode person not even marriage.

NotOfThis:
This is why it's imperative to take the time to know someone in and out before marriage, and then make an informed decision.

But you're already married and as long as this doesn't turn into emotional or physical abuse (yes, women can be abusive towards men too), stick with it. You should communicate your unhappiness with her in a gentle manner. It's very likely that she is unhappy about some things too. Take the time to communicate and listen to each other. You should also go for counseling together as a couple as well as individually.

Honestly, when you meet someone who has a very foul mouth, you'll just come to know that it's their nature.

Unless there's a conscious effort on her part to change else, nothing will work.

mysticgal:

Hmmm, i wonder the kind of words she used.

I've had first hand experience.

Those words ...they kill a man (and a woman too) faster than a bullet

O

I know of such edo man / yoruba wife

Our pastor had to Warn/beg her in public with wisdom. He told her to stop because her tongue carried power which could lead to the materialising of the curse

Yoruba women though, not all are like that

Op If you have a Wise and good pastor report