Hi House, I am here to solicit advice for a sister. Here is her story.

She and her hubby have been married for almost 5 years now. In January this year, she observed that her hubby was very fond of a particular girl on their street. Every time he passes by the girl's shade, he will stop in the pretense of buying fruits which the girl sells. It graduated to stopping without buying fruit. If he passes there 3 times in a day, he will stop 3 times. This sister approached the man, and asked what he thinks others will say about this seemingly over familiarity. Hubby dismissed her.

About 3 weekend ago, some concerned friends called this sister to alert her of a certain post on her husband's facebook wall. She was not initially moved until her brother called some hours later on that same subject. Apparently, the fruit girl had gone to the man's wall to express love to the man. The man responded freely and teasing the girl in return.

On seeing this, the lady went to the hubby ask him what is going on. The hubby walked the wife out. After a day without any explanation or acknowledging anything, the sister went to the girl's shade. She to told the fruit girl, "that I don't react to all that is going on doesn't mean I am not seeing or that I approve it, you are a women, so consider if it were you". Since then, the husband has made life unbearable for my sister. He stopped giving money for food or eating at home. He only gives the house help money to buy 'indomie' for his mother who lives with them. He sent the girl to go back to her parents until he comes for her. Everybody around the family has begged him to allow peace to reign, but he is adamant, saying his wife went too far by approaching the fruit girl. The mother is on my sister's side, but instead of listening to his mum, he is threatening to send her back.

My sister is emotionally down at the moment. Her pain is complicated by the fact that they are still trying to conceive and currently undergoing some treatment with a gynecologist.

Should she apologize to the hubby as the husband demands or just lie low? Your matured advice will highly be appreciated.

I think the hubby is meant to apologize to her instead. Only God knows what the fruit girl has put in her fruit.

She should consult the family.

The man is tired of the sister.

For peace sake she should apologize. There comes a time in a man's life he needs to lie down low under provocation for peace to reign.

Her being apologetic doesn't mean she has degraded herself for her husband, being stubborn headed doesn't mean her husband gonna apologize.

Sometimes we should let some certain things go simply cos we want peace.

Her husband is stomping his foot on the ground already, sighs of "I don't care what happens to this marriage ". Things will hijack from here, probably worsened with time if she is still insisting on being apologized to.

Let her say sorry, later when his mind is calmed she should vet her to her husband in a subtle way, perhaps he would listen.

The things people gat to put up cos of marriage sha.....your spouse will deliberately hurt you and belittle your worth without remorse yet you are expected to still stick with the marriage. Oghenebiko o .

How old is the wife and how many years is the marriage so far?

Can you just imagine? I think your sister needs a job so that she can stop begging for money to feed herself from her husband. I also think she needs to either leave the man or ignore them if she feels she cannot leave. However, she should be prepared to cope with diseases worse than childlessness because of her husband's wandering.

God is giving you way to flee from a useless man without baggage. You say no. Even when you have kids he will do worse. By then it will be too late to run away and you will endure all sorts. I hope you have family somewhere that care for you. Please find something tangible doing with your life, your husband is not dependable in any way.

alexialin:
How old is the wife and how many years is the marriage so far?

Hubby is in mid 40s while wife is in mid 30s. Marriage will be 5 in November.

baby124:
Can you just imagine? I think your sister needs a job so that she can stop begging for money to feed herself from her husband. I also think she needs to either leave the man or ignore them if she feels she cannot leave. However, she should be prepared to cope with diseases worse than childlessness because of her husband's wandering.

God is giving you way to flee from a useless man without baggage. You say no. Even when you have kids he will do worse. By then it will be too late to run away and you will endure all sorts. I hope you have family somewhere that care for you. Please find something tangible doing with your life, your husband is not dependable in any way.

Sorry ma, I didn't say she is dependent on the husband for her upkeep. She has been feeding herself, the house help and the man's mother since this issue started. Your first paragraph made it sound like feeding money is the contention is here. No, it is not.

injuredman:


Hubby is in mid 40s while wife is in mid 30s. Marriage will be 5 in November.

It's sad to say the husband is tired of the marriage and he's calculating his age. When will he eventually have a child of his own? Is It when he gets to 50? Or 55? Who knows?
He's simply human and scared of not knowing if he would become a father soon. And I bet the fruit seller is younger in age than his wife. Unfortunately that's reality of how some men behaves during pressure of their age and pressure of having children.
It's a pity the wife is not working, a great pity. When one advices women, don't become full house wife, they won't hear. They feel it's enjoyment. Now there is problem on ground and without her husband, she cannot feed herself.
It's a pity.

Well I will not advocate for divorce as the husband has not started punching her.

Mistake she made, she shouldn't have confronted the husband or the fruit seller. She would have calmly focus on her gynaecology treatments and hopefully with God on her side, she could becom pregnant while the fruit seller? Are own water loo is doing press up somewhere.

It's God that gives children. Miraculously if she had remained calm, she could become pregnant, while the so called fruit seller will be struggling to conceive. Yes it happens.. Forget whether the wife is older than. The fruit seller.
God can do it in a way that, the fruit seller may find it hard to conceive, while she the wife ends up having a bouncing baby boy.

It has happened to someone I know.. And the strange woman who was married into the home was kicked out. While the wife and husband reconciled and became one again.

My dear marriage is all about patience, wisdom, prayer and hardwork.

If she wants her marriage, she must be patient, ,quiet then look for work to do. Be self independent. Don't depend on man or even husband for survival, it's not wise at all. Be proactive!

injuredman:
Hi House, I am here to solicit advice for a sister. Here is her story.

She and her hubby have been married for almost 5 years now. In January this year, she observed that her hubby was very fond of a particular girl on their street. Every time he passes by the girl's shade, he will stop in the pretense of buying fruits which the girl sells. It graduated to stopping without buying fruit. If he passes there 3 times in a day, he will stop 3 times. This sister approached the man, and asked what he thinks others will say about this seemingly over familiarity. Hubby dismissed her.

About 3 weekend ago, some concerned friends called this sister to alert her of a certain post on her husband's facebook wall. She was not initially moved until her brother called some hours later on that same subject. Apparently, the fruit girl had gone to the man's wall to express love to the man. The man responded freely and teasing the girl in return.

On seeing this, the lady went to the hubby ask him what is going on. The hubby walked the wife out. After a day without any explanation or acknowledging anything, the sister went to the girl's shade. She to told the fruit girl, "that I don't react to all that is going on doesn't mean I am not seeing or that I approve it, you are a women, so consider if it were you". Since then, the husband has made life unbearable for my sister. He stopped giving money for food or eating at home. He only gives the house help money to buy 'indomie' for his mother who lives with them. He sent the girl to go back to her parents until he comes for her. Everybody around the family has begged him to allow peace to reign, but he is adamant, saying his wife went too far by approaching the fruit girl. The mother is on my sister's side, but instead of listening to his mum, he is threatening to send her back.

My sister is emotionally down at the moment. Her pain is complicated by the fact that they are still trying to conceive and currently undergoing some treatment with a gynecologist.

Should she apologize to the hubby as the husband demands or just lie low? Your matured advice will highly be appreciated.

But you said the bolded.
Read what u type earlier

The man stopped giving money for food and upkeep.

My dear let's not deceive ourselves.

She should get a job or go into biz. So she can fend for herself and regain her pride back as a woman.

alexialin:





But you said the bolded.
Read what u type earlier

The man stopped giving money for food and upkeep.

My dear let's not deceive ourselves.

She should get a job or go into biz. So she can fend for herself and regain her pride back as a woman.

If a wife is working and earning money, the husband doesn't give feeding money again? I wrote that statement to show how far the man has gone, not to show that the woman depends on the man. The man gives feeding money because his mother lives with them, and not because the wife is so dependent on him.

I don't know why we believe a man's (in)fidelity is a function of the wife working or not. So husbands whose wives are working and even earning more don't cheat?

I understand the issue with child bearing which maybe a factor, but her working or not is not a case.

You just dey use panadol for anoda girl headace

I know you mean well but the sooner people learn to keep their nose out of other people's marriages, the better for all concerned.

If your sister could decide to marry this man and stay for 5 years while actively trying to have children, don't you think she would know best what to do in this case? Women like this will eventually do what comes naturally to her, no matter what anyone says. If it is staying till her husband starts bringing girls to the home or till she gets pregnant or gathering her pride and leaving - she knows what she's going to do and she should be okay with it. She is married, the decision is hers and after living with him for 5 years, she knows better than anyone else what that decision should be. She should make her decision and own it.

Hopefully, the emotional abuse stops and does not go beyond this. Once an abused woman loses her dignity and sense of survival, it's over because she will forever be prey until a miracle happens. For whatever reason, going by your account, the husband does not respect her. Disrespect very easily turns to abuse. Best wishes.

P.S. Thanks for clarifying her job status, a lot of Nigerian women still think having a job will protect you from abuse when you marry a predator. A predator will take your money and abuse you on top of that. Predators identify, pursue and marry their selected prey. Working, paying the bills or having money does not protect you. The thing that protects you comes from deep within you - your dignity, your self respect, the value you place on yourself, your basic self survival instinct.. . . .

injuredman:
Hi House, I am here to solicit advice for a sister. Here is her story.

She and her hubby have been married for almost 5 years now. In January this year, she observed that her hubby was very fond of a particular girl on their street. Every time he passes by the girl's shade, he will stop in the pretense of buying fruits which the girl sells. It graduated to stopping without buying fruit. If he passes there 3 times in a day, he will stop 3 times. This sister approached the man, and asked what he thinks others will say about this seemingly over familiarity. Hubby dismissed her.

About 3 weekend ago, some concerned friends called this sister to alert her of a certain post on her husband's facebook wall. She was not initially moved until her brother called some hours later on that same subject. Apparently, the fruit girl had gone to the man's wall to express love to the man. The man responded freely and teasing the girl in return.

On seeing this, the lady went to the hubby ask him what is going on. The hubby walked the wife out. After a day without any explanation or acknowledging anything, the sister went to the girl's shade. She to told the fruit girl, "that I don't react to all that is going on doesn't mean I am not seeing or that I approve it, you are a women, so consider if it were you". Since then, the husband has made life unbearable for my sister. He stopped giving money for food or eating at home. He only gives the house help money to buy 'indomie' for his mother who lives with them. He sent the girl to go back to her parents until he comes for her. Everybody around the family has begged him to allow peace to reign, but he is adamant, saying his wife went too far by approaching the fruit girl. The mother is on my sister's side, but instead of listening to his mum, he is threatening to send her back.

My sister is emotionally down at the moment. Her pain is complicated by the fact that they are still trying to conceive and currently undergoing some treatment with a gynecologist.

Should she apologize to the hubby as the husband demands or just lie low? Your matured advice will highly be appreciated.

P.S. Thanks for clarifying her job status, a lot of Nigerian women still think having a job will protect you from abuse when you marry a predator. A predator will take your money and abuse you on top of that. Predators identify, pursue and marry their selected prey. Working, paying the bills or having money does not protect you. The thing that protects you comes from deep within you - your dignity, your self respect, the value you place on yourself, your basic self survival instinct.. .




To the person who made this statement. That's truly a naive way of looking at situations like the Op.
A woman who does not earn a living, who is not financially OK to an extent becomes prey to the society, not only to her husband. Society will not respect such woman, if she like Carry all the self respect untop her head. As long as she keeps depending on someone to feed and care for her basic needs? Her values means nothing. Even her friends will withdraw from her.

Women better wake up and start earning a living .if she were financially OK? Do u think her husband will treat her anyhow. And which human being wil allow her predator collect all her money? And leave her account dry?
Is such woman so naive to hand over all her earning to her working husband?

Well they exist somewhere who knows.

Since I became independent financially, alot of people including men respect me. No one dares trample and treat me shabbily.

When I had no money when I graduated from school. That's when I realized how life is. And the mindset of most men.

Op look for work to do.
Be financially OK.. Start climbing the ladder to financial freedom.

When u are successful and smart with your choices and decisions, u will be the one to choose another husband when this one is fucvking up and that's fact.

U won't tolerate such rubbish

Mehn! Some men sef!

If I say that marriage is overrated, lots of the suffering and smiling will call for my head.

Look at it now!

An emotional abuser, a cheat, and a blackmailer. HIV, Genital warts, Herpes and other STD's are real. Use your tongue to count your teeth.

Hahaha
The man don dey para already, meanwhile he never enter the fruit garden yet

This tale you told, if true, shows that there are underlying issues in the marriage. It goes deeper than the fruit-girl, quote me anywhere. If it wasn't her it probably would have been someone else.

I didn't see anywhere where u mentioned fertility issues. I don't know where others got that information from. A man in his 40s and a woman in her 30s are not kids. They can sort themselves out.

P.S, reading thru the thread again, I feel you're the woman in question. It doesn't matter though. For peace to reign, you can apologize to hubby since that is what he is demanding for. It doesn't mean what he did was right, even his own mother knows he's in the wrong, he may just be acting up cos of a bruised ego. Place your 5yrs of marriage on one scale and the fruit seller on the other. Weigh which is more valuable and make your decision.
Good luck.

Betti001:
If I say that marriage is overrated, lots of the suffering and smiling will call for my head.

Look at it now!

My sister, so true.

But such is life.

That's why it's good to have financial freedom.

Imagine the emotional trauma she is going through now.
1 No child yet
2.No source of income to take care of herself.
Just because she confronted Him because he is cheating on her, He decided to starve her and threatened to send her packing.
No matter how small the money is, every lady should get something doing before venturing into marriage.

She's got no choice, she should apologize and let things be for now. She should look for something to do. I believe if she has something doing, there would be little respect from the man and then she can confront the man with boldness.

Am I missing something pls?

OP has not come to beg anyone for a job, he didn't say her sister is poor or hungry either.

What has money got to do with infidelity gan when, in fact, it is easier to cheat on a career/business woman than one who spends all her time at home?

@OP, if this is the only major issue they've had in the entire 5 years they've been married, then there is absolutely nothing to worry about.

See this analysis;

1. You said your brothers and your sis' neighbours called to inform your sis about the new fruit seller, right?

The Nigerian society always stalk such events. There is a way the society monitor married couples without kids; they stalk them from afar; talk and gossip about them hoping that one day a new girl will emerge. Even when the new girl is harmless, the society will create their own version and spread it like wildfire.

Your brothers on their path are agitated, they're overly worried especially knowing how some married men in such situation wander away.

2. Is this issue the only major crisis your sister's has ever had in the 5 years of her marriage??

If the answer is YES (in capital letters), trust me, the man is simply angry that after all these years, her wife still doubts her faithfulness! If the man has proven himself as someone to depend on over the years, your sis may have to apologize (especially if her confrontation concerning the issue was rude).

3. Lastly, it could be that your sis' husband is tired of the marriage/childlessness. He's 45, some men in his shoes give up on their marriages even before they clock 40. All marriages suffer some crisis at some points, I believe there's something your sis can do to remedy the situation without necessarily begging like a child. She could sit him down in the middle of the night, remind him of their vows, how and where they started, what the future holds for them, the challenges they've both overcome in the past, etc.

Seriously, majority of the crisis couples face can be resolved indoors. If the man has not cheated (as in slept with another) yet, she's still a winner.. The only person heading towards destruction is the fruit girl as that man will never marry her.

Acidosis:
Am I missing something pls?

OP has not come to beg anyone for a job, he didn't say her sister is poor or hungry either.

What has money got to do with infidelity gan when, in fact, it is easier to cheat on a career/business woman than one who spends all her time at home?

@OP, if this is the only major issue they've had in the entire 5 years they've been married, then there is absolutely nothing to worry about.

See this analysis;

1. You said your brothers and your sis' neighbours called to inform your sis about the new fruit seller, right?

The Nigerian society always stalk such events. There is a way the society monitor married couples without kids; they stalk them from afar; talk and gossip about them hoping that one day a new girl will emerge. Even when the new girl is harmless, the society will create their own version and spread it like wildfire.

Your brothers on their path are agitated, they're overly worried especially knowing how some married men in such situation wander away.

2. Is this issue the only major crisis your sister's has ever had in the 5 years of her marriage??

If the answer is YES (in capital letters), trust me, the man is simply angry that after all these years, her wife still doubts her faithfulness! If the man has proven himself as someone to depend on over the years, your sis may have to apologize (especially if her confrontation concerning the issue was rude).

3. Lastly, it could be that your sis' husband is tired of the marriage/childlessness. He's 45, some men in his shoes give up on their marriages even before they clock 40. All marriages suffer some crisis at some points, I believe there's something your sis can do to remedy the situation without necessarily begging like a child. She could sit him down in the middle of the night, remind him of their vows, how and where they started, what the future holds for them, the challenges they've both overcome in the past, etc.

Seriously, majority of the crisis couples face can be resolved indoors. If the man has not cheated (as in slept with another) yet, she's still a winner.. The only person heading towards destruction is the fruit girl as that man will never marry her.

Sadly, the bold is the problem of modern Nigerian women , they have to look down or castigate others to feel good about themselves.

On the topic, the man has no respect for himself or the wife. I suggest they see a counselor if possible.