EfemenaXY:
Re: marriage being overrated? I don't think so. Spouses should learn to manage their expectations of each other.

Will I ever consider getting married for a second time? Definitely not. Me start all over again? No way. I'd rather be on my own. I've come toooooo far.

UjuJoan2:


True words (in bold) . . . . . No doubt marriage is a huge 'protection' for women in this yama yama country where women are viewed as second class citizens. Once they see that ring on your finger you are automatically worthy of respect.

That's why I think it should be out-lawed. Why judge people based on an institution that is not even as interesting as it is hyped up to be

Most women remain in their marriages not because they want to, but because no matter how bad it is, it's way better than the jungle out there. Probably why men these days are getting increasingly daring and blatant in their disregard for their wives.

I heard of a man who would lock his wife out of the house while he goes to work and then let her in when he returns. Apparently he doesn't want her getting too comfortable in 'his' house.

What of the ones impregnating their house helps nko, or their wives sisters or friends?

Most marriages these days are actually a show of shame!

Mindfulness:


After the honey moon period, you will learn to tolerate, not stop.
Honestly, marriage or any other long term arrangement has its ups and downs, like life itself, your career, your moods, your relations to other people than your husband. It is pretty logical, is it not? Life is made of contrast, between the good and the bad times.

KanwuliaExtra:

I rest my nut cases!

Na who wan marry second husband FROM AFRICA?

NNNNNEVVVVVERRRRR!!!

No doubt some will work like awon 'TCHIDI TCHKERE'!

Only a battered woman may get a better husband, since she already married 'THE DEVIL INCARNATE' for a first husband.
Some widows are actually relieved that ONLY GOD could give them their divorce certificates. . . .For they had no means of escaping the brutish beasts of men in their matrimonial bondages.


Not to bash men totally.
For there are really SATANIC women amongst us ooooo. . .
BUT, MEN MAKE WOMEN THE DEMONS THEY BECOME for the most part, because women are naturally nurturing beings.
A vicious cycle with generational casualties.

It only takes one man to damage 20 women.
Those 20 women can only damage 20 men.

In the final analysis. . .WOMEN ARE THE MAJOR VICTIMS in and out of marriage.

Viking007:
Yeah right, women are just victims. What a "brilliant" comment.

UjuJoan2:
For once I agree with KanwuliaExtra . . . . Most people think marriage is a way to find happiness . . . but you have to first of all find happiness in yourself before expecting it from someone else.

People go into marriage for various reasons (I know I did); those who do it for 'love' or 'happiness' are sometimes disappointed. Clearly human beings are terribly unreliable and can only give what they have.

For me, I got married to raise a family . . . and the most challenging thing in that is having to to do it with someone who has different views and ideologies as me. You won't believe how frustrating it can be, haggling over the little things that ordinarily shouldn't be an issue.

However, I don't think things will be different if I had a different spouse, as a matter of fact, I think I was quite lucky in my choice. So if I find myself single again, I'll probably remain that way for the rest of my life.

Marriage is over-rated . . . it should be outlawed.

Viking007:
Yeah right, women are just victims. What a "brilliant" comment.

LewsTherin:


For me, the biggest challange to marriage is that it involves 2 people. One may strive to make it work while the other works to make strife. Only when both parties are equally or similarly committed to make it work will any marriage work. It is important also the reason for getting married in the first place and the mindset that the marriage begins with.

I can only speak for myself. I married my Lady because I had to. I decided I had to marry her about 5 years into our relationship. But she was still in school then. We had been in a distance relationship for a while but anytime she was with me, I felt complete. After a while, I didn't see any advantage in living without her on my arm at all times Seriously. Also I wanted her baaad. But my faith would only allow it in the sanctity of marriage. As to being "wife material" , I don't think I could have remained in a relationship that long if she wasn't a lady in all sense of the word.

We are in our 7th year now, got one princess that feels like 7 and most people who see us are always surprised that we have been married longer than 6 months. That's how we act. We manage this by a couple of steps.

1. We both share the same faith and this goes a very very long way.
2. We both realise that we both have to work to make this work.
3. We had set ground rules on everything from number of children and spacing to how long mother-in-law can stay with us, to financial responsibilities even to TV programs.
4. Compromise. Lots of it. Although sometimes this can be annoying. A typical conversation goes "Honey whats for dinner" "I don't know. What do you want?" "I don't know, what do YOU want" And in my mind I'm going "Just decide on some damn food woman!" But we know we have to carry each other along on all matters to cut down on disagreements and such.
5. I help around the house a lot. Right now, most mornings I make breakfast. My Lady is heavy again and it is stressful for her. She also has to prepare our Jewel for school so it makes sense we split the chores.
6. She agrees that I lead. This doesn't make me an authoritarian figure. It simply means if there is a disagreement on what to do, I get to decide and she'll follow my lead. To me, this means I have a responsibility to be right for my family which makes me very careful and enables me take her advice and opinions to heart.

These are just some of the things we do. Not limited to this and there are exceptions to every. Point is we both work at it. And everyone I know that share similar ideas and steps in their marriage have successful marriages. Heck, I know more successful marriages around me than I know of stressful or failed marriages.

Enahi:

I am so scared right now, but how did you end up with someone with different ideologies and views? Me as I dey single so I am taking my time o because me I cannot come and allow someone else take my peace away from me!!

Enahi:

I am so scared right now, but how did you end up with someone with different ideologies and views? Me as I dey single so I am taking my time o because me I cannot come and allow someoneelse take my peace away from me!!

LewsTherin:


For me, the biggest challange to marriage is that it involves 2 people. One may strive to make it work while the other works to make strife. Only when both parties are equally or similarly committed to make it work will any marriage work. It is important also the reason for getting married in the first place and the mindset that the marriage begins with.

I can only speak for myself. I married my Lady because I had to. I decided I had to marry her about 5 years into our relationship. But she was still in school then. We had been in a distance relationship for a while but anytime she was with me, I felt complete. After a while, I didn't see any advantage in living without her on my arm at all times Seriously. Also I wanted her baaad. But my faith would only allow it in the sanctity of marriage. As to being "wife material" , I don't think I could have remained in a relationship that long if she wasn't a lady in all sense of the word.

We are in our 7th year now, got one princess that feels like 7 and most people who see us are always surprised that we have been married longer than 6 months. That's how we act. We manage this by a couple of steps.

1. We both share the same faith and this goes a very very long way.
2. We both realise that we both have to work to make this work.
3. We had set ground rules on everything from number of children and spacing to how long mother-in-law can stay with us, to financial responsibilities even to TV programs.
4. Compromise. Lots of it. Although sometimes this can be annoying. A typical conversation goes "Honey whats for dinner" "I don't know. What do you want?" "I don't know, what do YOU want" And in my mind I'm going "Just decide on some damn food woman!" But we know we have to carry each other along on all matters to cut down on disagreements and such.
5. I help around the house a lot. Right now, most mornings I make breakfast. My Lady is heavy again and it is stressful for her. She also has to prepare our Jewel for school so it makes sense we split the chores.
6. She agrees that I lead. This doesn't make me an authoritarian figure. It simply means if there is a disagreement on what to do, I get to decide and she'll follow my lead. To me, this means I have a responsibility to be right for my family which makes me very careful and enables me take her advice and opinions to heart.

These are just some of the things we do. Not limited to this and there are exceptions to every. Point is we both work at it. And everyone I know that share similar ideas and steps in their marriage have successful marriages. Heck, I know more successful marriages around me than I know of stressful or failed marriages.

PaperLace:

Mbok, not every thread is meant for front page.
Nice read so far. I agree with everything that has been said here _but I don't agree to marriage being be outlawed.

Every marriage comes with its own challenge(s) and I have faced mine in our few years, my greatest challenge remains self-entitled and nosey in-laws.

When it's just a couple that truly love and appreciate themselves, the TWO can make it work _but when third parties (in-laws) intentionally start trying to test the loyalty of a couple, there'll be problems if not handled right.

During the ministerial screening, Fashola said I always pray for my loyalty never to be tested. Very true words.

Caracta:


She is actually right to an extent.

And we know we also have dangerous women out there. But our men...? Hmmmm.

UjuJoan2:



I myself am also guilty of reacting contrary to expectations. I don't believe I have to change who I am to please anyone.

Like Efe said, you just have to manage expectations and acknowledge that no two people can ever have the same ideologies and understanding at every point in time. Don't take things too personal and Learn to be tolerant! That way nobody gets to tamper with your peace. Lol

daveP:
what happen to we men o? is this a comeback with some permanence?

Viking007:
Yeah right, women are just victims. What a "brilliant" comment.

LewsTherin:


Please do not take this as an attack, a rebuke or an insult in any way. It is not intended as such.

The bolded is likely to cause issues in a relationship. While you should not debase yourself for another's pleasure, nor should you give up core principles especially when your partner was fully aware of thise principles before the relationship began, taking even a moderate hardline that you will not "change who you are to please anyone" is well, a recipie for disaster.

As long as 2 people are involved and obviously a marriage involves 2 people, compromise is needed for progress. One person has to give at any one time all the time. And so you may decide to take a hit on something you want to get something in return.

Why I highlighted your comment (and why I am still asking that you don't take this as directed at you) is that for a lot of people, claiming not to change who they are is just them saying "I must win. I don't give a damn what you want". But in a relationship and even more in marriage you have to give many many damns. In my case, what I say is "happy wife, happy life" which means I can displease myself to make my wife happy. Which, funny enough, is to my advantage cos when my wife is happy, she makes me happy and when she sees I displeased myself for her, she tries to please me even when it means displeasing herself. That is what compromise is. The needle shifts from me to you and back to me and back to you on and on and on.

daveP:
Perfect sacarsm! To me its myopic for women out there to continue to trail this line of thought.

UjuJoan2:


And very unrealistic for men to keep denying it.

daveP:
If its a fact, then maybe 'men' can even qualify for the 'keep denying' category. But unfortunately, we both know it aint a fact. Unless our definition of it differs. I dont key into that 'women are ALWAYS the victim' stuff. Perhaps a derivative of societal EXPECTATIONs from a man!!

This isnt just a gender defence talk(i cant blast guys' attitude). Its just ive seen lots and im still learning; even from on here.

UjuJoan2:


And very unrealistic for men to keep denying it.

UjuJoan2:


We are obviously generalising here.. When we say always we mean in most case. It's the culture here in Nigeria. It has nothing to do with gender blast.

KanwuliaExtra:
The GREATEST challenge is MARRIAGE itself.
Reason? MOST PEOPLE CHANGE FOR THE WORSE!
To stay na WAHALA.
To comot na HEAVY WAHALA o!

Better to die h-insai ONE marriage o, than to make the same mistake TWICE or THRICE.
Can’t imagine getting married again.
Will never try it.
You can NEVER know what is in the other person’s mind. So many dishonest people out there with lots of baggage ooooo.

They say one thing, mean another and DO NEITHER!

No need to inherit another set of emotional/financial PLUS MEDICAL RISKS, all in the name of looking for love, peace and happiness. Tufiakwa!!!!

Na real GAME OF WOES I swear!!!!


Glad to have tried it.

It is a very expensive education process.
You MUST find happiness within YOURSELF.
Simple.

daveP:
If its a fact, then maybe 'men' can even qualify for the 'keep denying' category. But unfortunately, we both know it aint a fact. Unless our definition of it differs. I dont key into that 'women are ALWAYS the victim' stuff. Perhaps a derivative of societal EXPECTATIONs from a man!!

This isnt just a gender defence talk(i cant blast guys' attitude). Its just ive seen lots and im still learning; even from on here.

Proudgorgeousga:


now I'm scared.

Mindfulness:


It shouldn't discourage you, it should empower you.

Once you find happiness in yourself, everything else will follow. It is easier than waiting for someone to give it to you, which you have no control over. All your power is within yourself. You can't get, what you don't have. So get happy and you will find another happy person.

happy person + happy person = happy marriage

Caracta:


Let us face it, the society expects much more from the women. A man can have 200 children out of wedlock. A man can have a side chick. A man can decide not to sleep at home for days, and so on and so forth. Nobody crucifies him for all that. Because he is the head of the family. When there is no peace, the woman gets blamed, oh she is too stubborn and disrespectful. When there is no child, oh the woman must have done series of abortion or she is possessed. When the man loses his job, oh the wife has brought him bad luck. When the child breaks an arm or leg, oh what a irresponsible mother...and so on and so forth.

Let there be some sense of responsibility on both sides. That's my point.