Hello peeps. It's with a heavy heart that I have to say that my marriage is on it's last legs(or so I think). Sometimes last year I made a post asking for advice and things actually got a bit better afterwards (https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore), but alas, it didn't last.

My wife returned to her cold self and it just went downhill from there. We started arguing again over the tiniest of reasons. Some of the reasons for our petty arguements was the issue of her engrossing herself in school activities that sometimes took her attention from home duties. I told her a couple of times that i wasn't against her doing things like what she did and wasn't in the way of her achieving her desires and goals, but she shouldn't forget she's a mother and wife and one of her primary duties is her family. Sometimes she'd spend so much time in one fruitless meeting or the other, and when she gets home, she'll be too tired to do anything. It got to a point I had to do alot of cooking for the house so that the kids won't be hungry. It's not that she didn't do her duties. It's just the inconvenience of it all and the way her outside activities affected us that really got to me.

Another thing that got on my nerves was her attitude to her degree. Agreed, with all the things she did, she still maintained a very good GPA and was one of the best students in her department. Her lecturers would at times request she take their classes for them while they attended to other pressing issues. It was a good thing and i felt proud, but in her mind the main thing she wanted to do was business. Buying and selling like she did when we first got here and before she started school. She wanted to set up a store where she'd import and sell african prints. There were days during the summer when I'd plan on doing Uber to supplement the little I brought in as a paycheck, only for her to tell me she'd registered for one event or another to display her wares. I'll just have to stay back at home with the kids till she returned later in the night. It really did get me upset and I once asked her what the point of the degree she had studied for if all she wanted to do was sit in a store and sell stuff? We had this argument several times on end.

What eventually broke the camel's back was something she said that I'll never forgive her for. One evening, after putting the kids to bed, she approached me and said she wanted to apply for a loan. I asked her what she needed the loan for. She said for her shop. How much does she need? Ten thousand dollars. How does she expect to apply for ten thousand dollars when we have no way of paying back? Besides, where does she expect me to get the collateral from? She said someone would stand in for her. I told her I don't support the idea and she should be patient. At least after her graduation, she would be able to work full time and earn a better pay which she could then channel to doing whatever she wanted. She said no. She doesn't want to work, but sell her stuff. We started bickering back and forth about this cos I was already fed up of the whole issue, and at some point she screamed, saying I do not support her as a husband, and maybe she would have been better off marrying Awwal. [/color]


***
Awwal was another guy who fancied her when we met during our youth service in camp; she had once told me that back then she loved him as much as she loved me, and if she had to choose, she would have picked him instead of me. I asked her why she then chose me, and she said her late mother had advised her "don't make a future husband into an ordinary boyfriend, and don't make an ordinary boyfriend into a husband." In other words, don't confuse lust for love.
***


[color=#000099]She realized what she said and immediately began to apologize. I don't know how I kept my cool, and I walked away quietly. It only got worse after then. We no longer talked liked we once did apart from the necessary exchanges. I let her do whatever pleased her. Our arguements continued and sometimes we wont speak for days. I started keeping late nights, staying more in the lab after school or sometimes driving to a bar to drown my sorrows. I tried getting a marriage counselor, but the damage had already been done. Our sex life became virtually non-existent. We just remained together because of the kids.

A man has needs, and if he wasn't getting them at home, he'd start looking outside. I'm not proud to say this, but during some of my late nights out, I'd visit a discrete gentleman's club. It was on one of these outings I met one of the girls who danced there. She was a young college kid in her junior year. Over the next week or so she gave me a listening ear and I poured my heart out to her. She invited me over to her place one evening (she shared a three bedroom house with two other girls), one thing led to another and she was giving me a full n@ked massage with her body. We didn't have penetrative sex, but she gave me the sexual release my wife had denied me for such a long time. I offered to pay for her services afterwards, but she told me not to, as it was just her way of showing she cared. We ended up making similar arrangements a few more times, and each time we took it a bit further. The furthest we went was the time we had a 69 on her bed, and she came all over my face while I splooged her mouth. I always had to wipe myself off properly and take a shower once I got home to rid of all the oil and smell of pheromones on my person.

I guess my wife suspected something was going on cos she asked me one day if i had been seeing anyone. I asked her why she asked, and she shrugged, murmuring something to the fact that it was unusual of me not to have disturbed her for sex in such a very long time. I told her since she had decided to control when and the frequency we had sex, I had accepted my plight. I told her if she wanted sex, she knew where to find me. That night, I woke up to her snuggling up to me. It was the first time in a long while she would come to me. Try as much as I could, I just couldn't achieve an erection. My time with the stripper girl had taken away the sexual affection I had for my wife. She noticed this and started crying, saying i don't love her anymore. I simply told her it was just the stress. The following day, she was back to her normal self.

Last month, she finally graduated. I was happy that at least she would get a place to work and earn some money. But what she told me a few days later came as a shocker. She told me she wanted to go back to Nigeria. Her plan was to fulfill her dream of setting up a clothings line and since i don't want to support her, she'd rather go on without my support. I asked her if she was joking, but i could see she was dead serious. I asked who would take care of the kids if she leaves, and she said she intends going with them. infact, she had already told her sister to start looking for a nice school for them at home. I just couldn't believe it. Why make that kinda decision without consulting me first? She just told me her mind was made up. I tried changing her mind, but she remained adamant. Unknown to me, she had already booked their flight back home a long time ago. I had to call my parents to talk some sense into her, but afterwards they just told me to let her come home, that she may just need the change of environment for a while. I called and asked her sister why she didn't tell me about the plan knowing how close we were, but she simply said it was her sister's decision.

They left two days after Christmas. To date I'm yet to receive a call from her. I've sent her several emails but she hasn't responded to even one. She told my mum she hasn't had the chance to get a line yet, but I know that's a lie. It doesn't take you more than a week to get a phone and a line in Nigeria. Sadly, I may have to accept the conclusion that my marriage is over.

women/daughter of Eve dem! Something is wrong.I think her sister knw one/two thing..She didn't. com back to obodo Niagra to open any shop,even if she open one,it is just a camouflage/ cover up of her escapade..But thank God u nor approved that loan(may u not sleep under bridge) Bia! let me warn u,stop that ur unholy sex with the white girl if u dnt want to spend years in jail...Abeg,look for a responsible Nig /black lady there and marry.No time.U have done ur best

It is not totally over if you still want her.

Why did I had the feeling the she will come back looking for you. Give her lil space, and Inform your relatives in Nigeria to keep an eye on her.

Guy grow some guts and balls and fight for ur marriage except u are happy to let go.

agabaI23:
It is not totally over if you still want her.

Of course I want her. She's my wife and I love her to bits. I know I'm not a perfect human being. No one is perfect. I also have faults in this but I'm willing to talk this out. At times i wish we hadn't come to the United States cos we were very happy before we came here.

DO YOU WANT THE TRUTH??/if you do ,its better to accept reality than to be in denial .Getting back to this kind of marriage will always suffering,regrets ,pain ,loneliness,and married bachelor.If I am in your shoe I will be happy cus she on her own accord left which would have taking toll on you if you had been the one pushing her to leave. Please don't go and try to rekindle the fire that is already gone.pls move on and get your life back.this advice is based on what you narrated here which I don't know the role you played but if this is what happened ,PLS MOVE ON

kunleajaye:


Of course I want her. She's my wife and I love her to bits. I know I'm not a perfect human being. No one is perfect. I also have faults in this but I'm willing to talk this out. At times i wish we hadn't come to the United States cos we were very happy before we came here.

Give her time. Her plans will manifest soon. Latest, by June this year, she will pick your calls or she will call to ask for divorce because she has a new person if Anwwal is still available.

Face your work. Make sure you are financially strong in no time. You can do 10 jobs but make that your account smile. Don't forget to send money fùuuor your kids and if you have to her. But your kids upkeep you can't play with. Send through her sis and keep record.

Congratulations..... Now you can turn the stripper to a wife.

Fight for your kids bro

career women hardly stay in marriage. give her some time she might come back to her senses.there maybe something she's obessed with as a carreer woman.

Kunleajaye,

Your marriage hasn't ended yet as your topic says. I however agree it may be one on its potentially last lap. You mentioned you love your wife so much but from your narrative it appears you may not have done enough to support that statement. But this isn't about passing blames, please, just pointing out that I think you should have done more to keep your wife.

You didn't say what you want about your marriage and neither did you ask for advice as you are already coming to terms that the marriage may have ended. But if you love her and want her back in your life, then here's my take:

Like most marriages that fail, the couple first refuse to settle a difference and allow that to grow into bitterness and resentment and then they gradually spiral out of 'love.' You should try to LISTEN more to your wife and encourage her to do the same. There's a way you can deny a woman's request and she won't say, "you're not supportive of her dreams" but agree with your disapproval.

I think you should fight for your wife by going to that Nigeria she has gone to. Have a proper talk with her and listen to everything she has to say. Then you both should come to an agreeable compromise (that's what love demands). Except your wife is being dishonest - i.e. if she has gone to Nigeria for a different reason than what she said, that's perhaps the only reason she won't want to agree to this. Unless of course she has completely fallen out of love with you and wants a divorce.

I sincerely hope and pray things will work out for you and you will make the rightmost decision for yourself and family.

My only problem is you letting her go with the kids.
PRAY SHE DOESN'T TURN THEM AGAINST YOU.

Kunleajaye your story is really sad. Sometimes I look at young men and women including couple who want to relocate to the West, the grass isn't always green on the other side. I believe things wouldn't have gone this bad if you had not relocated. But it has already been done. I don't have any advice because I've not been in a similar case. The only similar thing with yours to mine is a father abandoning his kids. Whatever happens don't forget your kids. Pay their fees if you have to, video call or visit them occasionally. Whatever you do don't let them feel their mother was bad. Just tell them 'mummy and daddy loves you no matter what', be a father to them. Even if they begin to act strange still do what you need to do. The marriage may be over but they're still your kids no matter what

Thank you all for your kind comments in this trying times for me. I do love my wife and I adore my kids and would never abandon them. I came to the US with her to better myself and further my education, and since i didn't want her to remain idle and dormant while i studied, i advised her to apply to skool too. All this I explained in my post last year. I'll do anything for my kids and wife and she knows it.

It's sad. Painfully sad.

These women sometimes don't know where to draw the lines between family and career. Also it seemed she never got over her ex

Your marriage is actually over. Just don't let it break you. Don't let her go with the kids though

Your marriage ended when you started sleeping with a w.hore and investing emotionally and financially with her rather than spending on your wife and kids (your number 1 priority).
Your wife figured out but didnt say anything and you werent clued up enough to realise you were caught

From yourfirst post we all advised you to improve your finances as it appears your wife was feeling the strain financially.
Clearly you were/are only interested in seex.
Madam started hustling academically and even doing biz on the sides to make ends meet yet you were busy frustrating her efforts. Naturally she ll feel she made a mistake marrying a dream killer.

Have you ever seen any of the Times/Forbes richest folks make money from been employees

Your wife didnt go off to meet men to satisfy her financial needs but you went off to a stripperr....and you dont see anything wrong

I can't really say for sure buh one thing is certain... She still nurse feelings for her ex. I advice U to let the spirit that is leading her now,guide her well. 5yrs is not 5days,try n make all the necesary calls cus to me,Ur duty now is to know where she n Ur kids are currently staying n their well being.do ur part well n allow fate n true love decision to finish up the rest. The Joy of the Lord is Ur strength bro

The truth is that your wife actually understand that you've been emotionally and sexually connected to another woman, hence, her decision to relocate quietly and without any drama.

I think 10 thousand dollars would've saved this marriage. quite sad.

You must dedicate the rest of your life towards working hard to provide the best living experiences to those innocent kids of yours.

Now, you miss your wife? really? I guess your penis would've risen that night your wife came to you if you have anticipated today's reality?

A prayer for the dead and signpost for the blind perhaps?

kunleajaye:


Of course I want her. She's my wife and I love her to bits. I know I'm not a perfect human being. No one is perfect. I also have faults in this but I'm willing to talk this out. At times i wish we hadn't come to the United States cos we were very happy before we came here.

Just find a way to reconnect with your kids and let them know how much you love them and still keep them on your mind....

Don't let what happened damping your spirit and be a man you are..... Work hard, keep the faith, connect with your family (yours and hers) but just leave her since she has decided not to respond to your mail or call back.


Maybe reality will spring up to her and she will try to call. Make sure you are far better than the way she left you so she will understand what she missed when she left

Chubhie:
I think 10 thousand dollars would've saved this marriage. quite sad.

You must dedicate the rest of your life towards working hard to provide the best living experiences to those innocent kids of yours.

Now, you miss your wife? really? I guess your penis would've risen that night your wife came to you if you have anticipated today's reality?

A prayer for the dead and signpost for the blind perhaps?

Where would I have got the 10k from? You make it sound as if $10000 is something you just pluck out of the air.

Ur wife already knew abt ur LovePeddler hence her leaving. U can still fight for ur marriage if u want to because both of u are at fault here, dont listen to some who are anti-marriage here.

kunleajaye:


Where would I have got the 10k from? You make it sound as if $10000 is something you just pluck out of the air.

Ain't no fault of yours. Look to the bright side. You should get to work cos she would get in touch with you once the realities of buhari's government starts creeping in.

Leave her and let her be. She probably married really young and she needs to discover herself and why she wants to stay married. A temporary separation is fine. Just make sure your mum has access to visiting and spending time with your kids. With time, she will either work towards the marriage or tell you she wants a divorce.

I think she wants to pursue her own dreams and America is not the place for her. Believe it or not, abroad is not for everyone. I like that you stood against the loan as you could not afford to pay it. That is the attributes of a responsible man financially. But you are very reckless sexually, MouthAction could cause STDs. So you have put your wife and children in danger. A stripper for that matter, what were you thinking? The way you described it with so much pleasure is extremely disturbing. You need to do better and respect yourself.

Her own head is still filled with big dreams of what she can do. She knows she is intelligent, so she refused to settle for a regular job. To be honest the Nigerian fashion industry is doing well. So she may be well positioned in Nigeria for the business she wants to do.

Nutase:
Congratulations..... Now you can turn the stripper to a wife.

Lol.. Oh lord!

From frying pan to fire!!!!

Op take her advice to your own detriment.



But seriously Op, let go of your wife. It's over like you said.
Start afresh with a decent lady who believes in your ideas and beliefs.
You have to make yourself happy. No need dwelling on a dead beat horse.

Best of luck.


But please shine your eyes well!

You caused it. . . .you stopped loving your own wife! You broke the deal and you broke the marriage agreement

It's not the consorting with the stripper that's the problem, it's the inability to have an erection for your own wife. I Would walk away from the sham of a marriage too if it were me.

Both your interests and life goals don’t align and neither is willing to compromise. Your wife lost interest in sex and eventually you followed suit.

Did you guys talk about your long term goals before marriage? Did you know she wanted to create her own fashion label? Did she know you wanted her to work a traditional job?

It appears your wife had put her own dreams on the back burner to enable you continue with your academic pursuit, but she couldn’t hold out for long. And when you started cheating, she decided the marriage was not worth sacrificing her dreams.

Since you guys fight all the time, this separation appears to be a good thing. You guys can now take time off to think about what you really want. I feel so sorry for you guys and the kids, but don’t worry it is not the end of the world. The both of you will be fine.

UjuJoan2:
You caused it. . . .you stopped loving your own wife! You broke the deal and you broke the marriage agreement

It's not the consorting with the stripper that's the problem, it's the inability to have an erection for your own wife. I Would walk away from the sham of a marriage too if it were me.

That's not enough reason for the wife to leave. In the OP's post, he talked about many times where his wife didn't respond to his advances. But he didn't leave her because of that. But just the first time he couldn't get it up for her, she booked a flight back home? Just the first time?

So in essence you held the post of the backup boyfriend, that got upgraded to husband......

And she is now wishing she did not upgrade you?

Marriage is not by FORCE or FIRE...... If the marriage atmosphere is not working...... You already know what to do.......



NB : On the lighter note, did she get the $10,000 loan(sugarmama tinz) ?
& please share that lovely girls number (I need a massage too)......

I like the way we always jump to the reactions while ignoring the cause. Sexual pressure is a big deal, and it takes someone with a whole lot of discipline to scale through, especially for a couple who used to be sexually active. This is the reason I'm always careful blaming a cheating spouse against an absentee wife/husband. It can really be tough.

For the above reason, I won't blame anyone as regards infidelity on the part of the man. However, I feel his marriage can still be salvaged. Get some funds and travel to Nigeria and get your woman back! That is if you sincerely want her back. Although somehow, I feel the foundation of this relationship has a role to play in how it all turned out.

Marriage is constant work.

No matter what don't ever let anyone frustrate you to do something you would live to regret.
No one would talk about what was done that led you to take such action, the action you took is what you would be judge upon.

When dog bites man, there is always no case, but when man bites dog, it becones a viral case known by the whole world...