They say events come at you either as blessings or lessons. My marriage has been half of both. I married from a relatively richer family, and I must add that the fact that my wife came from a wealthy family, had absolutely no influence on my choice. I met her when her parents were not as wealthy as they would later become, and we were in love. At that time, my parents gave me a ‘mid-budget vehicle’ shortly after my graduation from a state University in Nigeria. And so, even though my father was not Dangote, he could afford quality life and education for his children. My wife’s parents over the years ascended in wealth and riches, and our wedding was relatively big. Dowry from her side of Nigeria was expectantly high, and I paid it with relative ease.

Fast forward to seven years afterwards, when as a man your financial apron-strings to your parents has had to be cut even before leaving your parents’ house, as you make your way for yourself. I have come to learn that these apron-strings are easier to cut for a man than they are for women, especially women from comparatively well to do backgrounds, and hence the troubles for the unwise woman in this situation.
Leaving the comfort of my father’s house in Ibadan, I could afford a mid-income apartment in a sub-urban part of Lagos, with few house gadgets and facilities. My business was doing great, and even though not luxury, our living was comfortable. But then, comfort is subjective, for no matter how much sacrifices I put into stocking my abode with items to ensure comfort for my wife, she and her parents always believed I could do better. They rarely visited, and when they did, would sit in a corner with their noses in the air, and as they leave shortly I would swear they will take a long bath in hand-sanitizers when they got home. Nonetheless, I did do better, and over the years things went on fine at the expense of my personal self-care.

And then came that family-finance stifling recession. You assure yourself that things would be fine, and all you needed to do was double your hustle. Hustle doubled, and results reduced. Bills increased, and nagging followed suit. I have found out that a woman’s nagging on her husband could either be overt or covert. I’d take the overt nagging any day, over the quiet and obvious discontent. At least with the expressed discontent, you can target your financial attention. No matter how much you try, her communication reduces and you know why. She starts visiting her parents more often, and discussing financial choices with them. They start dropping hints into her bank account. She starts paying some bills and buying ‘luxury food-items’, but you cannot complain, even though you know where the money came from. Yet you double, nay, triple your hustle and hope for better days.

And that’s when the problems started- A classic case of he who pays the piper. Her parents start giving instructions without consulting you. It starts with suggestions, and then downright directives on how your home should be run. But you are the man of the house and you direct otherwise. Short of them laughing at your effrontery, they are infuriated that you dare overrule their wishes. Who are you? You observe the gradual disappearance of your wife’s respect for you, while you notice that her parents don’t even factor your presence in any equation. You are vilified, and your wife is torn between obeying her parents’ wishes and abiding by your directives.

I give you an example. This here school is where my children will go, because that’s what I can afford and they are happy in this school, you say. And the response through her, of course because they don’t call you directly but speak to your wife. They say, ‘what? That school? Okay, find a better school in your neighbourhood and let us know how much it costs.’ You get to know about this when your wife starts hunting for a new (expensive) school. I can’t afford that for the two of them, you say. ‘Don’t worry,’ she responds. ‘Mummy said she will pay for it.’ Now, domestic violence is a big matter to the state government and the news is rife with men sent to jail for wife battery. Otherwise, you would have sent those series of slaps in quick succession, enough to wipe her make-up clean off and change her phone network. Besides, if you had done that, her parents would be glad to take her back in their huge mansion, while you battle for your children’s custody or even access to them. Since you can’t react, you swallow your anger and put your foot down, albeit tenderly.

But things did change for the better part of 2017, far better than before, and during the festive season you conveniently sent bags of rice and vegetable oil to them. Occasionally, you send recharge cards and cash, no matter how small to them, while maintaining your physical absence. You can now restrict your wife’s visit to them. I must add, that the respect has grown tremendously, and hilariously too. Now they call for permission before they send her on errands. Now their calls always go unanswered because I am busy, and they graciously understand, and just wanted to check up on you.

Lessons: In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money. Maintain your respect with strategic absence. Money used strategically buys your wife's (and in-laws) respect. Teach your wife to always reveal lesser information than necessary; the less you reveal to people (in-laws) about what goes on internally, the better, and more respect both of you get. There can only be one captain in a ship, and as a husband you need to put your foot down, sometimes diplomatically. Your ships must sail in one direction, and orders are from only one captain. As much as possible, reduce or eliminate holes in your matrimonial walls, to prevent matrimonial lizards from creeping in. No matter what you are going through, you will go through it. I knew that that phase would pass, and I pray I live to tell this tale to my kids when they are about to get married. Importantly, I have learnt that my boys should pick from a home and not a house with arrogant in-laws with the feeling of entitlement. And if you can avoid it, try not to marry a woman from a wealthy background, unless you can assure yourself of her humility.

i don find rich gals taya i no see...sometimes sef i go jst baff enter lekki still yet i no go see rich gals. na only dose ones weh dey squat 4 one room i dey see... and d issue na say me nd dem find d same tin come dat place.. dem dey find rich boys, me i dey find rich gals..

crismark:
i don find rich gals taya i no see...sometimes sef i go jst baff enter lekki still yet i no go see rich gals. na only dose ones weh dey squat 4 one room i dey see... and d issue na say me nd dem find d same tin come dat place.. dem dey find rich boys, me i dey find rich gals..

baba I don find rich gals for abuja taya ah no see. Na only olosho men dey still see..

Thanks for sharing. God will continue to enlarge your coast

In family relationships, money is important. Your love is noticed when supported with money.

Very true!

Money earns you the respect!

It was never about the money, it's a simple case of character which u pointed out at the end. Marriage is between two individuals first before the families, you are married to your wife and not her family and families are not supposed to interfere in ur affairs but intervene which would be as a result of you asking for their assistance if needed. I swear, I would have sent her packing for blatantly undermining me if I were in your shoes cos it's first your decision as to how your children are to be trained based on your available means and then secondly your wife's support in bringing it to light. Comfort though is relative but such relativism is situational and your wife has no excuse as for whatever action she took which did not align with it. Your wife clearly doesn't respect u as a person but only what u can bring to the table, your marriage is simply one of convenience.

digoster:
baba I don find rich gals for abuja taya ah no see. Na only olosho men dey still see..

all dose big men don carry their children commot 4 d shithole country...na so so poor gals dey everywhere...me i jst leave relationship tin nw

Bottom line is, marry from good homes. Homes of learned and morally sound parents. Not the kind of homes where the mother is living separately in one location while the father is living somewhere else. Also avoid the homes of "money-miss-roads" with zero education but bags of money. Those are usually the type of people who don't consider other people beyond how much they have in the bank.
The best thing in life is having both money and wisdom to make unbiased judgements about life generally.

Apination:
It was never about the money, it's a simple case of character which u pointed out at the end. Marriage is between two individuals first before the families, you are married to your wife and not her family and families are not supposed to interfere in ur affairs but intervene which would be as a result of you asking for their assistance if needed. I swear, I would have sent her packing for blatantly undermining me if I were in your shoes cos it's first your decision as to how your children are to be trained based on your available means and then secondly your wife's support in bringing it to light. Comfort though is relative but such relativism is situational and your wife has no excuse as for whatever action she took which did not align with it. Your wife clearly doesn't respect u as a person but only what u can bring to the table, your marriage is simply one of convenience.

Nigerian marriages have become marriage between families. It is difficult to divorce your nuclear family from the extended especially when you live in the same state, and your spouse cannot drink or eat without contacting the parents. How the other spouse deals with that is rocket science.

Sending her packing is exactly what her parents hoped I would do. In the end, na me go lose, with my kids in their house and my wife under their roof, I would be the bad guy. As a matter of fact, parents have one way or the other been instrumental in many broken homes. These ones believed I couldn't cater for their daughter as much as they wanted. Funny thing is, they also were struggling at the beginning years of their marriage. But now, are quick to despise days of little beginnings.

You cannot underplay the part of money in getting your wife's respect, and her family. It is very essential. Else you will be as good as that guy who is just living with their daughter, calling himself her husband. I can tell you, the respect has changed massively now. Im not saying other things are not involved o. I wish I could tell you more here. But take it from me. Money is very key. A husband should never lack it

On the part of marriage of convenience, I strongly disagree. It was simply love and compatibility. I think I mentioned that earlier.

Trivia:


Nigerian marriages have become marriage between families. It is difficult to divorce your nuclear family from the extended especially when you live in the same state, and your spouse cannot drink or eat without contacting the parents. How the other spouse deals with that is rocket science.

Sending her packing is exactly what her parents hoped I would do. In the end, na me go lose, with my kids in their house and my wife under their roof, I would be the bad guy. As a matter of fact, parents have one way or the other been instrumental in many broken homes. These ones believed I couldn't cater for their daughter as much as they wanted. Funny thing is, they also were struggling at the beginning years of their marriage. But now, are quick to despise days of little beginnings.

You cannot underplay the part of money in getting your wife's respect, and her family. It is very essential. Else you will be as good as that guy who is just living with their daughter, calling himself her husband. I can tell you, the respect has changed massively now. Im not saying other things are not involved o. I wish I could tell you more here. But take it from me. Money is very key. A husband should never lack it

On the part of marriage of convenience, I strongly disagree. It was simply love and compatibility. I think I mentioned that earlier.

Money is good as you said and I agree, but just what if you lose everything, do u think she would choose to remain and work with you till u move up or pack out to her parents house, which u are so afraid of? Let me be blunt, your wife doesn't love u as much as you think. If she cannot be contented with whatever u can bring to the table at any point in time and work things out with you as her husband if she feels it's not sufficient but would instead run to her parents by making u look weak and giving them the impression that you cannot be a man that they have to start providing for your family through gifts, then u are still living in denial. You said they respect u now cos u send them gifts and cash, what if there comes a time u don't have as it has already happened, would u still be respected? Marriages have always been between families,
it's not something new but how many of your friends have the same issues as yourself, with their wives undermining them and making a ridicule of them before their parents? And I still stand by what I said, that ur marriage is one of convenience cos if she cannot stand by u in the bad times forgetting that it hasn't always been like that and could get better by not giving u the respect u deserve as u pointed out, then I don't know what else it's. Character as I said is the issue not money.

Good write up,but I am sure you could have passed your message with lesser words,this is an epistle really. I grab a lesson or two though

Apination:

Money is good as you said and I agree, but just what if you lose everything, do u think she would choose to remain and work with you till u move up or pack out to her parents house, which u are so afraid of? Let me be blunt, your wife doesn't love u as much as you think. If she cannot be contented with whatever u can bring to the table at any point in time and work things out with you as her husband if she feels it's not sufficient but would instead run to her parents by making u look weak and giving them the impression that you cannot be a man that they have to start providing for your family through gifts, then u are still living in denial. You said they respect u now cos u send them gifts and cash, what if there comes a time u don't have as it has already happened, would u still be respected? Marriages have always been between families,
it's not something new but how many of your friends have the same issues as yourself, with their wives undermining them and making a ridicule of them before their parents? And I still stand by what I said, that ur marriage is one of convenience cos if she cannot stand by u in the bad times forgetting that it hasn't always been like that and could get better by not giving u the respect u deserve as u pointed out, then I don't know what else it's. Character as I said is the issue not money.

I never thought of it in that light. But I understand you. You are right

I enjoyed this piece!!!! Really educative

Greatzeus:

Good write up,but I am sure you could have passed your message with lesser words,this is an epistle really. I grab a lesson or two though

Its as the words came to mind, I wrote them. Sorry it was too wordy for you. I'm glad you picked a message from the mess.

LessNoise:
I enjoyed this piece!!!! Really educative

I'm glad to hear that. What is the point of a man's accident, if another man cannot learn a lesson from it? lol

TRIVIA THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR EXPERIENCE. INDEED THIS THREAD IS AMONG THE VERY FEW THREADS I FIND ENLIGHTENING ON NOT JUST THIS ROMANCE SECTION BUT NAIRALAND AS A WHOLE. ITS BEEN LONG I READ SOMETHING REALLY PROFOUND.

I'm impressed I actually enjoyed the long epistle and also learnt much from the op and some who gave well thought out responses.... Bravo!

WORDWORLD:
TRIVIA THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR EXPERIENCE. INDEED THIS THREAD IS AMONG THE VERY FEW THREADS I FIND ENLIGHTENING ON NOT JUST THIS ROMANCE SECTION BUT NAIRALAND AS A WHOLE. ITS BEEN LONG I READ SOMETHING REALLY PROFOUND.

aiir2303:
I'm impressed I actually enjoyed the long epistle and also learnt much from the op and some who gave well thought out responses.... Bravo!

Much obliged. There is nothing new under the sun. Someone somewhere would've experienced this circumstance. I wish I had learnt from that person earlier. My hope is that after reading of my experience, a young man looking to get married to a girl from a wealthy house will open his eyes more. It is not as some may think- that its a meal ticket. Unless that man is ready to sell his 'manhood' and wear the skirt in his house, he has his work cut out for him

good advice.

I really commend your emotional intelligence

Trivia:

I'm glad to hear that. What is the point of a man's accident, if another man cannot learn a lesson from it? lol

I hope u realise, ur madam will still come up with something? Once she gets bored with ur new status, she'll start making trouble!

Very deep and thoughtful. I understand why your wife went back to her parents instead of bearing the poor situation. When one is used to luxury and the main source is cut off, then any back source will do, for the time being. It is just like a habit and not lack of love. This issue was resolved by your wisdom and quiet resolve to make things happen. I see the hand of providence in the way things are picking up and I pray long may it continue. The fact is Parents influence the lifestyle of their children irrespective of education, it has to do with their own personality and emotional intelligence

crismark:

all dose big men don carry their children commot 4 d shithole country...na so so poor gals dey everywhere...me i jst leave relationship tin nw

Bro, the easy way just stay single till when you are in your early 30's that's the age you will find those rich independent ladies in their 30's desperately looking for serious relationship. If that's what you really want but remember most of them ain't loyal.

BiggyB242:


Bro, the easy way just stay single till when you are in your early 30's that's the age you will find those rich independent ladies in their 30's desperately looking for serious relationship. If that's what you really want but remember most of them ain't loyal.

2ru talk bro... but by den dose ones go don reach 40 to 50 na...nd d way dis my age grade of gals dey behave ehn, no wan ready to be independent lady

Your usage of English is top notch @op, many thanks for sharing.
I've learnt a thing or two from your write-up.
May God help us all.

Best thread of the year, really learnt a lot.

I must confess that this is the most sensible thread I have ever read from this section.

I read your write up full of admiration for your use of grammar whist mining the gems that lays therein. Expository, insightful and educative.

Don't let anyone fool you, money is very important when it comes to sustaining a marriage in Nigeria.

By the way OP, the quality of your grammar is a testament to the fact that you went to good schools...that means your parents were relatively well-off to have been able to afford such schools

Thanks for sharing your experience with us. I have learnt a lot from what you've shared.