Please I need responsible advice

Many were coming as suitors but I don't know why I let him come closer.

He forcefully took away my pride and I was hurt. He said he did that cos he doesn't want to lose me

I wanted to leave but I couldn't cos I love him.
I don't offer sex cos I'm religious and I believe it's a sin. Told him to wait till marriage but he wouldn't.
for almost a year we ve been courting I didn't allow him touch me.

Till this day he forcefully had sex with me .
He wants to come pay my dowry but I'm not sure that my people will let me marry him. I too went and prayed about him and they told me that he is not my husband (about 5 different people said it)

He is OK, financially, is educated and promising.
But not God-fearing as I wanted.

Now I'm pained for what he did to me .I'm grieved cos I wanted to lose my pride on my wedding night.
and I'm thinking of leaving him cos I'm hurting so much now.

I feel less of myself and sinful too


Please what should I do?


those that married non Virgin how did your spouse take it. I need to know cos it ll help reshaping my mindset

Do you consider reporting him to the authorities? What he did is rape and he has no excuses for doing that.

You don't think your people will like him,in your heart of hearts,you don't really think he is the one.
You should wear your shoes to walk,innit?

Virginity is not the same as sexual purity.

thorpido:
Do you consider reporting him to the authorities? What he did is rape and he has no excuses for doing that.

You don't think your people will like him,in your heart of hearts,you don't really think he is the one.
You should wear your shoes to walk,innit?

ok
I ve not considered reporting him but if I do I don't think I have a strong evidence apart from the broken hymen.
is there anything else I need to know before reporting him that ll substantiate my evidence

alterswerve:
Virginity is not the same as sexual purity.

please sir throw more light to your statement

He raped you to coerce you into marrying him? He violated your body to achieve his "goal" of "keeping" you for himself? Very sick, manipulative and pervert way of thinking!

I would not advise you to marry someone who doesn't respect your boundaries and can commit such a vile act (rape). I would however advise you to seek therapy/counselling/help for what he did to you. Did you report him to the authorities?

If he is raping you now, how do you think he is going to behave when you are going to be married to him? Marital rape exists in case you don't know.
His behaviour ( the rape) shows that he seems to be ready to do anything ( even the worst) to achieve what he wants and doesn't value his partner's opinions/beliefs or feelings. Do you really want to be married to someone like that?

There are ton of people who were not virgins when they got married and are happy in their marriage. Being a virgin (or not) does not guarantee a "good" marriage. Your husband should be interested in you as a person and not just your hymen. You should also bring more than "just" your body in your marriage.

You need to reshape your mind: Your "pride" should be in who you are as woman and not what you can "offer" in bed( Virginity). Your "value" as a person did not/should diminish because of the rape( or even if you had sex voluntarily). That's why I said seek therapy or talk about it to someone you trust.

Don't feel guilty for what happened or not being a "virgin" (easier said than done). Stay strong and good luck in whatever you decide to do!

@vululadilolo

thank you so much. I have not reported to anyone yet
hurt, pains and disdain on myself have left me discouraged.

all these while, I have been offering him all I could (companionship, encouragement, emotional support, friendship, spiritual assistance ,inspiration ) except for my body. and he made me love him so much little did I know he would come for my body .

my worth is not based on the hymen but yet I value my chasity.
I'm broken cos I encouraged people to be chaste. who do I talk to. the therapist I tried talking to tried molesting me too

I'm deformed now as I am feeling suicidal
what I built in years just crashed within a twinkling of an eye

smileing:
@vululadilolo

thank you so much. I have not reported to anyone yet
hurt, pains and disdain on myself have left me discouraged.

all these while, I have been offering him all I could (companionship, encouragement, emotional support, friendship, spiritual assistance ,inspiration ) except for my body. and he made me love him so much little did I know he would come for my body .

my worth is not based on the hymen but yet I value my chasity.
I'm broken cos I encouraged people to be chaste. who do I talk to. the therapist I tried talking to tried molesting me too

I'm deformed now as I am feeling suicidal
what I built in years just crashed within a twinkling of an eye

See a professional psychotherapist, not your pastor, youth president, a family friend or someone you think is religious. Rape can lead to mental disorder or even suicide if not given the attention it deserves.

Breakup with the guy and get him arrested.

smileing:
@vululadilolo

thank you so much. I have not reported to anyone yet
hurt, pains and disdain on myself have left me discouraged.

all these while, I have been offering him all I could (companionship, encouragement, emotional support, friendship, spiritual assistance ,inspiration ) except for my body. and he made me love him so much little did I know he would come for my body .

my worth is not based on the hymen but yet I value my chasity.
I'm broken cos I encouraged people to be chaste. who do I talk to. the therapist I tried talking to tried molesting me too

I'm deformed now as I am feeling suicidal
what I built in years just crashed within a twinkling of an eye

Although It's easier said than done, don't be too hard on yourself. He forced himself on you.He is a predator, you are a victim. You did nothing wrong. Don't let it break your spirit.

Look for a professional therapist( female if you fear being assaulted again). If you can't or don't want to, find a trustworthy ( non-judgemental) family member/friend to confide in. Don't keep to yourself. Get your mind busy and fight those suicidal thoughts.

I guess I don't understand what being chaste means because I don't see why you don't consider yourself chaste : You were forced to act against your belief/faith. If he "convinced" you to continue sleeping with him since you are not a virgin anymore and you don't feel at ease with it, stop it...

Life does not always happen the way we want it. We need to face it and rebuild ourselves differently. It can be hard but it's possible( that's why you need all the positive or professional help you can get).

Once again, don't keep (it) to yourself, find someone trustworthy to confide in, preferably a professional. Virgin or not, rape is a terrible assault to your mental and physical integrity.

Btw, If you are still in contact with him, cut it. It's toxic. I insist, if possible, report him. Wish you all the best !

vululadilolo:


Although It's easier said than done, don't be too hard on yourself. He forced himself on you.He is a predator, you are a victim. You did nothing wrong. Don't let it break your spirit.

Look for a professional therapist( female if you fear being assaulted again). If you can't or don't want to, find a trustworthy ( non-judgemental) family member/friend to confide in. Don't keep to yourself. Get your mind busy and fight those suicidal thoughts.

I guess I don't understand what being chaste means because I don't see why you don't consider yourself chaste : You were forced to act against your belief/faith. If he "convinced" you to continue sleeping with him since you are not a virgin anymore and you don't feel at ease with it, stop it...

Life does not always happen the way we want it. We need to face it and rebuild ourselves differently. It can be hard but it's possible( that's why you need all the positive or professional help you can get).

Once again, don't keep (it) to yourself, find someone trustworthy to confide in, preferably a professional. Virgin or not, rape is a terrible assault to your mental and physical integrity.

Btw, If you are still in contact with him, cut it. It's toxic. I insist, if possible, report him. Wish you all the best !

If to say I see you I for buy you one origin.

Sister, please please and please leave that Mungo park. He is stupid. You don't love him and even if you marry him the marriage won't work. I think you should talk to your mum or elder sister. They are the two people who can help you. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Just take one step at a time and your healing will come sooner. But the very first step is to leave him and rebuild your life. Someday you'll find someone who will love and adores you the way you are. Stop taking it too hard on yourself. Please take the advice of this oga above me and you'll be fine. I know you will.

This sounds to me like a bad scripted movie...

The dude raped u..and u chose to keep it bottled up...

You said u can't leave because u love him... ok

If you don't want to marry him, and the thought of marrying him has not crossed your mind what in God's name where you doing with him for one year?

You can't have all the package at a go dear.. you said he was financially ok, educated, promising.. etc but not God fearing.. I guess you were thinking that you might change him....and he ended up changing u..
If u loved him as u claimed, accept him with all his faults.. don't let any one decide for you whom to be with..

If you don't want him, you should have ended it long time ago.end it.. don't marry him because you were no longer a virgin...that will be suicidal..
A lot of men would still want to be with you not because of your virginity...

Please next time don't go to a man's house when you know that you won't play ball even if he is an angel.. always meet at a public space.. even when you were hugging him, give some room for Jesus between the two of you..

Orchid45:
See a professional psychotherapist, not your pastor, youth president, a family friend or someone you think is religious. Rape can lead to mental disorder or even suicide if not given the attention it deserves.

Breakup with the guy and get him arrested.

alright
thanks

vululadilolo:


Although It's easier said than done, don't be too hard on yourself. He forced himself on you.He is a predator, you are a victim. You did nothing wrong. Don't let it break your spirit.

Look for a professional therapist( female if you fear being assaulted again). If you can't or don't want to, find a trustworthy ( non-judgemental) family member/friend to confide in. Don't keep to yourself. Get your mind busy and fight those suicidal thoughts.

I guess I don't understand what being chaste means because I don't see why you don't consider yourself chaste : You were forced to act against your belief/faith. If he "convinced" you to continue sleeping with him since you are not a virgin anymore and you don't feel at ease with it, stop it...

Life does not always happen the way we want it. We need to face it and rebuild ourselves differently. It can be hard but it's possible( that's why you need all the positive or professional help you can get).

Once again, don't keep (it) to yourself, find someone trustworthy to confide in, preferably a professional. Virgin or not, rape is a terrible assault to your mental and physical integrity.

Btw, If you are still in contact with him, cut it. It's toxic. I insist, if possible, report him. Wish you all the best !

thank you so much
I'm grateful

appsdope:



If to say I see you I for buy you one origin.

Sister, please please and please leave that Mungo park. He is stupid. You don't love him and even if you marry him the marriage won't work. I think you should talk to your mum or elder sister. They are the two people who can help you. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Just take one step at a time and your healing will come sooner. But the very first step is to leave him and rebuild your
life. Someday you'll find someone who will love and adores you the way you are. Stop taking it too hard on yourself. Please take the advice of this oga above me and you'll be fine. I know you will.

mum or sister is a no
they ll nail me
thanks dear

smileing:


mum or sister is a no
they ll nail me
thanks dear

OK. Get a counsellor. A female preferably. Where do you stay?

@richy

this isn't a bad scripted movie as you think
true he forcefully had sex with me and I'm hurt
I need to help myself first before thinking of what to do to him and that's why I'm here

did you read were I wrote that we were courting? we were working towards marriage but I indicated some of the hurdles I see

but things turned sour the moment he displayed this act.
you are right cos I visited. I shouldn't have and I blame myself .i wish I can rewind the
hands of time

thanks

appsdope:


OK. Get a counsellor. A female preferably. Where do you stay?

ok

smileing:
@richy

this isn't a bad scripted movie as you think
true he forcefully had sex with me and I'm hurt
I need to help myself first before thinking of what to do to him and that's why I'm here

did you read were I wrote that we were courting? we were working towards marriage but I indicated some of the hurdles I see

but things turned sour the moment he displayed this act.
you are right cos I visited. I shouldn't have and I blame myself .i wish I can rewind the
hands of time

thanks

My dear, never you allow nairaland rapists to twist your mind and blame yourself while exonerating the rapist...
Rape is rape and the victim should never be blamed...
If I were you, I will end the unhealthy relationship and take legal action against him.

smileing:
please I need responsible advice

many were coming as suitors but I don't know why I let him come closer.
he forcefully took away my pride and I was hurt. he said he did that cos he doesn't want to lose me

I wanted to leave but I couldn't cos I love him.
I don't offer sex cos I'm religious and I believe it's a sin. told him to wait till marriage but he wouldn't.
for almost a year we ve been courting I didn't allow him touch me
till this day he forcefully had sex with me .
he wants to come pay my dowry butt I'm not sure that my people ll let me marry him.i too went and prayed about him and they told me that he is not my husband (about 5 different people said it)
he is OK, financially, is educated and promising.
but not God-fearing as I wanted

now I'm pained for what he did to me .I'm grieved cos I wanted to lose my pride on my wedding night.
and I'm thinking of leaving him cos I'm hurting so much now
I feel less of myself and sinful too


please what should I do.


those that married non Virgin how did your spouse take it. I need to know cos it ll help reshaping my mindset

he doing such a thing to u, obviously he is not who I shld invest the rest of Ur life with. But 5 persons told u he wasn't the one, what were u still doing with him? Anyway, now he took Ur virginity, that's a small price compared to loosing Ur entire life married to a "monster". Sorry, clean Ur eyes and be strong.

I don't think it's rape. It's one those JUST HAPPENED kinda situations.

Do you know Christ has paid for that sin? The prolong guilt is Satan's stronghold on you.

Righteousness is not our inability to fall but it is our responsibility to rise up when we fall. Christ is our righteousness.

God still sees you as a daughter not a non virgin. He still calls you His own. He still has you in His plan.

Virginity self righteousness really ate u up but this incident should teach you to judge less and value grace.


I wrote all these cuz u said you are Religious.

Don't be hard on your self when God is seeing differently.

Forgive yourself and marry the right Man God has designed for you.

You've learnt your mistakes. He was never a sincere Believer and you knew it.
Just be fine.

smileing:
@richy

this isn't a bad scripted movie as you think
true he forcefully had sex with me and I'm hurt
I need to help myself first before thinking of what to do to him and that's why I'm here

did you read were I wrote that we were courting? we were working towards marriage but I indicated some of the hurdles I see

but things turned sour the moment he displayed this act.
you are right cos I visited. I shouldn't have and I blame myself .i wish I can rewind the
hands of time

thanks

pls don't blame Ur self. D guy Is a beast. Girls visit a lot of guys but they don't end up raped. U have to be strong o. Forget about what to explain to Ur husband in D future. That doesn't matter now. God will give u someone who will never ask for explanations. Do note that being married a virgin is no guarantee for happiness as u think. Get Ur life back. Don't let him win a second time, end it and pull Ur self Tgda, decide that u will win this challenge

Eeyah

Sorry about the rape ordeal. I can imagine how u will be feeling all through.

I wouldn't advise you to marry him and I doubt if he really had plans to marry you. He simply deceived you, made you trust him, all for the cookie.

Na WA o.

Don't worry take heart, tell your parents about it and get him arrested. He shouldn't go Scot free.

And please next time, don't go visiting a guy without a friend or else same thing might still occur, if u don't play along with him.
Visiting a guy wooing u, in his mind, he is like..... You want sex! That's the truth. That's how most of their brains are wired.

Not Every guy out there will just seat back, smile at you in his home without wanting to touch and have sex. Please be wise and careful next time in the future.

God be with you.

Sorry dear...You're just a casuality of modern day relationship that promotes sex.

A boyfriend of a year doesn't just suddenly turn to a rapist out of the blue.

He might has seen some sign that the relationship might end soon and he decided to take matters into his hand.

Am sure you're still with him even after all the warnings because he spends on you and he spending on you gives him a sense of entitlement to have sex with you.

Money no fit miss road like that na

Am only saying this from an average man point of view and not because am insensitive to your plight.

Been raped doesn't devalue you in anyway.

You're only devalued when you allow the incident get to you

yvelchstores:
he doing such a thing to u, obviously he is not who I shld invest the rest of Ur life with. But 5 persons told u he wasn't the one, what were u still doing with him? Anyway, now he took Ur virginity, that's a small price compared to loosing Ur entire life married to a "monster". Sorry, clean Ur eyes and be strong.

I was hopping to see a concrete evidence to confirm that he is not the one
was blinded by love too

eelipumpin:
I don't think it's rape. It's one those JUST HAPPENED kinda situations.

Do you know Christ has paid for that sin? The prolong guilt is Satan's stronghold on you.

Righteousness is not our inability to fall but it is our responsibility to rise up when we fall. Christ is our righteousness.

God still sees you as a daughter not a non virgin. He still calls you His own. He still has you in His plan.

Virginity self righteousness really ate u up but this incident should teach you to judge less and value grace.


I wrote all these cuz u said you are Religious.

Don't be hard on your self when God is seeing differently.

Forgive yourself and marry the right Man God has designed for you.

You've learnt your mistakes. He was never a sincere Believer and you knew it.
Just be fine.

thanks. I appreciate this piece

smileing:
@richy

this isn't a bad scripted movie as you think
true he forcefully had sex with me and I'm hurt
I need to help myself first before thinking of what to do to him and that's why I'm here

did you read were I wrote that we were courting? we were working towards marriage but I indicated some of the hurdles I see

but things turned sour the moment he displayed this act.
you are right cos I visited. I shouldn't have and I blame myself .i wish I can rewind the
hands of time

thanks

I don't think this is the time really to seek sympathy from Nairaland. I will suggest that you go online and google how some survivals handle their sexual trauma/ rape ASAP..if u read through, u will notice that the survivors were feeling exactly how u were feeling now.. Some of the tips might be of help to u if u read it..

This is just an unfortunate circumstance that should not have happened....

Be strong you will pull through

smileing:


ok
I ve not considered reporting him but if I do I don't think I have a strong evidence apart from the broken hymen.
is there anything else I need to know before reporting him that ll substantiate my evidence

Unfortunately,the evidence you would have had was when the rape occurred.You shouldn't have let it die then.

I'll say you should walk away and pick yourself up.A lot of men will still marry you without you being a virgin.You may just need to tell the person what happened and I'm sure he wouldn't hold it against you.

Don't continue to brood over the issue.Don't let it be a burden continually.

I have a virgin wife but you can read this




Proven way to satisfy your man/woman in bed anytime you want it

.

What should you do?

First thing is to go straight to the police station and report the rape goddamnit!

Advice below pls

First and foremost, he forcefully had his way, he can't respect your opinion, that's a red flag!

Looking at the situation, you both were in love but you just didn't love him enough to marry him. Couple with the enquiry you made and whoever said he's not your husband. That should be your focus.

Affiliating yourself to no longer being a virgin is a waste of time.

Many women married a virgin, their husband broke the whatever and still didn't treat them right.

There's so much realities in marriage than being a virgin, in as much as you've lost yours. Face the reality and many more to come.

Get your priorities right and not focus solely on being a virgin like that's all that matters in marriage or probably it's all you've got to offer your husband.