Honestly there’s nothing inherently Americans about it. It’s just a common sense life devoid of cultural foolishness. If I live in anywhere else in the world , I’d like to think that such threats of grievous bodily harm will be taken seriously and that I can have a say in who comes to live in my own house. Why is it American?

breakerofchains:
If your MIL threatens you again, file a report in the police station, get a restraining order . She'll stop coming to the house.
One problem solved.

cococandy:
Honestly there’s nothing inherently Americans about it. It’s just a common sense life devoid of cultural foolishness. If I live in anywhere else in the world , I’d like to think that such threats of grievous bodily harm will be taken seriously and that I can have a say in who comes to live in my own house. Why is it American?

I typed in response to the part where she said "if I turn American on them ..."

Yea babe I saw that.

It was more of a rhetorical kinda.

Especially since it’s going to be easy for mischievous folks to pick on that part and try to use it against her

breakerofchains:


I typed in response to the part where she said "if I turn American on them ..."

Let your husband come and stay with you. On one condition, MIL and FIL will maintain their residence in ML. If he needs to get a cheaper flat then, so be it. All his siblings must also contribute to the welfare. If it’s too expensive then let them relocate back to Nigeria.

It’s not by force they live in the US. The woman is with her husband, you deserve to be with your own husband too. It’s time for mamas boy to grow up and wear his big pants. MIL is completely crazy to have said that to you. She is your husband’s problem only. Not your problem or your kids problem. Such words can never be in the past ever. Such a person will never be left alone with my kids.

After all we live in a world where fathers wipe out families, mother’s kill their kids, grandparents kill their grand children. Except you did not carry the children for 9months or do not feel any kid of attachment towards them then maybe you can expose them to someone that threatened to kill them. Otherwise, as a mother, you fiercely protect your child. Even your husband will appreciate with time. She’s got a god complex and she needs to be brought down to reality.

Op, want to start out by saying I am very sorry for what you’re going though.

First, A man dictates or sets the tone on how his extended family treats his wife and his family. In-Laws will always try to push your buttons because you are not family but a real man is who keeps them in check.

I always see most comments here on NL how men should be alpha male yet most are mummy’s boy. Most will quote the Bible about submission but will forget how you have to leave and cleave to forge your OWN family. A real man PROTECTS his family. A man has to make it known that any insult to his family is a disrespect to him, a disrespect to his wife and mother of his kids is a disrespect to him, simple. Families have to know boundaries. Overtime you will have a good and cordial relationship with your in-laws because every role/relationship as regards to your husband is well defined.

I am sorry OP but any man that stays silent while a woman carrying his child, a woman that he says he is in love with, is being harassed is weak. What’s the point of staying with someone that doesn’t have your back? However, I understand situations are different and things that work for me might not work for you. So, if you love your husband then you have to ask him how important is HIS family to him?

When a man agrees to the equal submission nonsense in the home, sons and daughters from that home end up becoming "mama's boys and girls". To all those denying their husbands the "head-ship" authority, brace up for war with your daughter in-laws. You can't eat your cake and have it too.

Your father in-law is a weak man and the root cause of the problems you currently face. He's too weak to put his wife under authority. She's first a wife before becoming a MIL.She failed as a wife, of course, she's going to fail as a MIL too. She "conquered" her husband, of course, she'll always "conquer" her son too.

In so far as your husband remains the son to your MIL, there is absolutely nothing you can do. Your FIL is the ONLY solution to your problem.

I need to talk to that Grandma before nailing her coffin you’ve gallantly prepared here for everyone to snarl at ... Goodluck with everything though.

One thing I realise with relations living with young couples is that it doesn't always end well. I remember one neighbour we had then, the wife married an only child and his mother had to come live with them, one day, the wife and mum had a serious fight to the extent that we were hearing the blows in our house, my mum wanted to go separate them, dad told to not to try it that it's not her business, this is a wife that just gave birth, on the naming ceremony, the MIL left the house, she didn't attend,

Stories like this is really sad cos it brings tension between couples and difficult for the husband to choose sides, Op I wish you the best in whatever decision or outcome you choose.

Lalasticlala.

of course. Equality is the problem. Very sane logic from you.
A woman who sounds like she’s off the hinge sometimes is your definition of equality because you have purposefully wholeheartedly CHOSEN to misunderstand what’s equality means. And you can’t be convinced otherwise because you need to say what will fit into your bias and misogyny.

A post with zero logic. Do better.

.

Acidosis:
When a man agrees to the equal submission nonsense in the home, sons and daughters from that home end up becoming "mama's boys and girls". To all those denying their husbands the "head-ship" authority, brace up for war with your daughter in-laws. You can't eat your cake and have it too.

Your father in-law is a weak man and the root cause of the problems you currently face. He's too weak to put his wife under authority. She's first a wife before becoming a MIL.She failed as a wife, of course, she's going to fail as a MIL too. She "conquered" her husband, of course, she'll always "conquer" her son too.

In so far as your husband remains the son to your MIL, there is absolutely nothing you can do. Your FIL is the ONLY solution to your problem.

properties4sale:


You don't have single sense!!! I just hate this... Tufiakwa..
This is my issue, all this marriage nonsense, so because the mum said something 2 years ago and its over. .. Abeg, make una go sit down.
Your MIL, is the breadwinner, she can stay where she is, and ur husband join u.

How old are you?

Acidosis:
When a man agrees to the equal submission nonsense in the home, sons and daughters from that home end up becoming "mama's boys and girls". To all those denying their husbands the "head-ship" authority, brace up for war with your daughter in-laws. You can't eat your cake and have it too.

Your father in-law is a weak man and the root cause of the problems you currently face. He's too weak to put his wife under authority. She's first a wife before becoming a MIL.She failed as a wife, of course, she's going to fail as a MIL too.

In so far as your husband remains the son to your MIL, there is absolutely nothing you can do. Your FIL is the ONLY solution to your problem.

The FIL lost his "head-ship" authority, and he wasn't denied.
His weakness/ failure started when he couldn't fend for his family, and let his wife take over his responsibility of fending for the family / providing the basic necessities for the family including educating their brood.

You cannot claim to be a head, and not do what is expected. That only makes you a figurehead.

Perhaps her influence wouldn't have been so pronounced if the son knows his father contributed immensely in the realisation of his dream.

Anyway, being a mama's boy or girl isn't so much of a problem if mama was a sensible person. Unfortunately in this case, the mother is a narcissist. To co-exist peacefully with such people, you keep them at arm's length.

Every human has their own character, good or bad. Unfortunately I doubt anyone can change a narcissist and definitely not a spouse as you expected in this case. Perhaps the FIL could have walked out of the marriage years ago, if he had his own money. Perhaps her narcissistic tendencies would have been less pronounced if he could fend for his family but she would still look for other subtle means to achieve her own agenda. It's in the blood

Funny enough if the husband is to write his own version the story will be different.

Humans are good at painting themselves all saintly and innocent when when explaining issues that involves them and most wives are fond of painting their MIL to be evil. I find it unwise to react to an issue by hearing just one version, so I shall hold my peace.

Dear OP, do whatever pleases you and stop seeking validation online. Only you know what the real truth is...

The issue here is that your Husband is still a boy, no matter what your mom has done for you, never let her get away with everything she does, you'd regret later in life, learn to challenge her, say No sometimes and do whatsoever you think is right for you and your family, but your husband lacks these qualities.

The day your MIL scolded you, he could he defended you, or even say something in a way his mom will get the message, but I guess he is still a mama's boy.

Most men are the cause of their own problems, they don't know when to draw the line, the best way out for you OP, never stay in the same roof with your in-laws, somehow somehow you guys did exchange blows.

cococandy:
of course. Equality is the problem. Very sane logic from you.
A woman who sounds like she’s off the hinge sometimes is your definition of equality because you have purposefully wholeheartedly CHOSEN to misunderstand what equality means. And you can’t be convinced otherwise because you need to say what will fit into your bias and misogyny.

A post with zero logic. Do better.

.

Knowing when to shut up and save your attacks is valuable wisdom. I have never seen you criticize or painstakingly address an issue with genuine and sincere intents. Your attacks are only for a singular purpose which is - put forward your feminist-centric views whether it solves a problem or not.

I don't know why I still like you this much sef.

eyinjuege:


The FIL lost his "head-ship" authority, and he wasn't denied.
His weakness/ failure started when he couldn't fend for his family, and let his wife take over his responsibility of fending for the family / providing the basic necessities for the family including educating their brood.

You cannot claim to be a head, and not do what is expected. That only makes you a figurehead.

Perhaps her influence wouldn't have been so pronounced if the son knows his father contributed immensely in the realisation of his dream.

Anyway, being a mama's boy or girl isn't so much of a problem if mama was a sensible person. Unfortunately in this case, the mother is a narcissist. To co-exist peacefully with such people, you keep them at arm's length.

Every human has their own character, good or bad. Unfortunately I doubt anyone can change a narcissist and definitely not a spouse as you expected in this case. Perhaps the FIL could have walked out of the marriage years ago, if he had his own money. Perhaps her narcissistic tendencies would have been less pronounced if he could fend for his family but she would still look for other subtle means to achieve her own agenda. It's in the blood

Absolutely. I agree with you, men at all times must do the needful to earn the "head-ship" authority, but we have to look at this from a wider standpoint as it cuts across not only finance but other aspects.

Honestly you should be giving this advice to yourself. Nothing warranted your comment about equality. Absolutely nothing.

Let me educate you. In a home where equality is practiced, both parties can call each other back to their senses when one is not acting right and the other will listen. This woman would be able to listen to her husband and vice versa. This one here is definitely not equality.

You have chosen to make up your own definition of equality in order to foster your misogynistic agenda. And I say ‘chosen to’ because I believe you’re capable of much higher intellectualism. You just chose not to because it doesn’t serve your purpose right now.

Stay on the topic please

Acidosis:


Knowing when to shut up and save your attacks is valuable wisdom. I have never seen you criticize or painstakingly address an issue with genuine and sincere intents. Your attacks are only for a singular purpose which is - put forward your feminist-centric views whether it solves a problem or not.

I don't know why I still like you this much sef.

If her son is relocating then it should be without her but if she decides to leave her own husband and cleave to her son, please let her marry him

Unless the OP is flat out lying about what the MIL said to her (in which case shame on you OP), I don’t know why folks want to hear from the other side to know that what’s wrong is wrong.

if I blow that your belly, highest is you'll loose the pregnancy and then take in again,nothing is going to happen"

What could justify that comment? Supposing that it’s true.

cococandy:
Unless the OP is flat out lying about what the MIL said to her (in which case shame on you OP), I don’t know why folks want to hear from the other side to know that what’s wrong is wrong.


What could justify that comment? Supposing that it’s true.

Nothing.

Only a certified witch can speak things like that. Little wonder she has successfully subdued everyone (husband, daughter, and son).

This is not even about the son not being able to stand up to his mother. Obviously, no one in that house is able to stand up to that woman which makes me wonder why folks are making it seem like it's the son's fault.

@biggermembersro, turn 'American' on them if that's what you need to do.
Only the death of your MIL or divine intervention can restore some semblance of normalcy in that their family. I bet more on the former.

Cheers...

cococandy:
Honestly you should be giving this advice to yourself. Nothing warranted your comment about equality. Absolutely nothing.

Let me educate you. In a home where equality is practiced, both parties can call each other back to their senses when one is not acting right and the other will listen. This woman would be able to listen to her husband and vice versa. This one here is definitely not equality.

You have chosen to make up your own definition of equality in order to foster your misogynistic agenda. And I say ‘chosen to’ because I believe you’re capable of much higher intellectualism. You just chose not to because it doesn’t serve your purpose right now.

Stay on the topic please

I guess I mistook the word equality for submission. While I believe in gender equality especially in the workplace, I do not believe in equal submission in marriage.

Men and women who deviate from conventional gender and family roles are bound to pay for their actions/inactions somehow, in some ways. OP's narration is a consequence of a longstanding deviation from conventional family roles.

So I'm not fostering any misogynistic agenda, rather I'm upholding family values and instilling same in those that care to listen. It is not about my purpose either, only here to proffer what I feel might help a current situation.

And yea, I would stay on the topic, it doesn't change how I feel.

Acidosis:



Absolutely. I agree with you, men at all times must do the needful to earn the "head-ship" authority, but we have to look at this from a wider standpoint as it cuts across not only finance but other aspects.

True. But the woman in question has a bad personality trait. Even if the man was providing, he would have probably left her due to her bad character. If she can't manipulate everyone due to her financial power, she will find ways of doing it subtly

eyinjuege:

True. But the woman in question has a bad personality trait. Even if the man was providing, he would have probably left her due to her bad character. If she can't manipulate everyone due to her financial power, she will find ways of doing it subtly

This is very true. I share same view

Biggermembersro:


It wasn't oo, when i open the door for them that night all for me to hear " what nonsense, what nonsense" then she started shouting, I just stepped back and kept mute.

What had happened before they came? Did you clearly communicate why you would not show up to the gathering? If there was any misunderstanding then it had taken place before they came to your house that night. I do not want to excuse your MIL's behavior because it is not acceptable and she should have apologized but I have the feeling that she had felt disrespected in the first place.

You also say that you kept mute. I, for my part, hate it when people keep mute, especially in times of conflict. Communication is key! You either apologize or you stand up for yourself and explain/defend your position. Don't act like someone has cut out your tongue. It is annoying and it solves nothing.

What I am trying to say is that maybe, just maybe, you and your MIL are about to disrupt a whole family because of a stupid misunderstanding. If you are sure that she is wicked, protect your children at all cost but if she only lacks manners/is too impulsive, consider whether the fight is worth all possible outcomes.

cococandy:
Unless the OP is flat out lying about what the MIL said to her (in which case shame on you OP), I don’t know why folks want to hear from the other side to know that what’s wrong is wrong.


What could justify that comment? Supposing that it’s true.

Nothing justifies the comment. Having said that, my life experience tells me that there is much more to this story. I am not saying OP is lying but I guess she is limited to her own perspective. The question now is whether she should risk a divorce or how she can be more strategic in her approach. Her marriage seems to be ok except for her MIL so why throw the baby out with the bathwater?

Should have been addressed from the beginning since it happened earlier in the union. At this point a divorce does sound extreme. I don’t even think she was considering that now.

They should be together and MIL should be with her own husband.

Mindfulness:


Nothing justifies the comment. Having said that, my life experience tells me that there is much more to this story. I am not saying OP is lying but I guess she is limited to her own perspective. The question now is whether she should risk a divorce or how she can be more strategic in her approach. Her marriage seems to be ok except for her MIL so why throw the baby out with the bathwater?

@bold, that’s your opinion.

It works great for some and evidently defined gender roles don’t always work for all homes seeing the number of dysfunctional homes that abound who practice such.

You’re using OP’s topic to further your cause. Stop it.

Acidosis:


I guess I mistook the word equality for submission. While I believe in gender equality especially in the workplace, I do not believe in equal submission in marriage.

Men and women who deviate from conventional gender and family roles are bound to pay for their actions/inactions somehow, in some ways. OP's narration is a consequence of a longstanding deviation from conventional family roles.

So I'm not fostering any misogynistic agenda, rather I'm upholding family values and instilling same in those that care to listen. It is not about my purpose either, only here to proffer what I feel might help a current situation.

And yea, I would stay on the topic, it doesn't change how I feel.

Mindfulness:


What had happened before they came? Did you clearly communicate why you would not show up to the gathering? If there was any misunderstanding then it had taken place before they came to your house that night. I do not want to excuse your MIL's behavior because it is not acceptable and she should have apologized but I have the feeling that she had felt disrespected in the first place.

You also say that you kept mute. I, for my part, hate it when people keep mute, especially in times of conflict. Communication is key! You either apologize or you stand up for yourself and explain/defend your position . Don't act like someone has cut out your tongue. It is annoying and it solves nothing.

What I am trying to say is that maybe, just maybe you and your MIL are about to disrupt a whole family because of a stupid misunderstanding. If you are sure that she is wicked, protect your children at all cost but if she only lacks manners/is too impulsive, consider whether the fight is worth all possible outcomes.

@bold, That could be seen as disrespect especially in a home with African heritage. You’re often expected to keep quiet and let the elder have their say.

At last paragraph, I agree.

cococandy:


@bold, That could be seen as disrespect especially in a home with African heritage. You’re often expected to keep quiet and let the elder have their say.

At last paragraph, I agree.

I know! And that's the problem! People are not taught how to communicate effectively. And this is the result. Two years later she still holds a grudge. I am sure it could have been worked out was she taught to explain herself and her MIL taught how to resolve conflict peacefully and politely.

cococandy:
of course. Equality is the problem. Very sane logic from you.
A woman who sounds like she’s off the hinge sometimes is your definition of equality because you have purposefully wholeheartedly CHOSEN to misunderstand what’s equality means. And you can’t be convinced otherwise because you need to say what will fit into your bias and misogyny.

A post with zero logic. Do better.

.

I don't think there's anything misogynistic about Acidocis' post.. The man is the head of the home, and should remain so whether or not he is the bread winner, and the woman is the woman is is support and the home keeper and should remain so, whether or not she is the bread winner. This doesn't mean one is superior to the other, its only the ROLES they play in the home, which should NOT BE USURPED else problems will come up even extending to the next generation like in this case.

cococandy:
@bold, that’s your opinion.

It works great for some and evidently defined gender roles don’t always work for all homes seeing the number of dysfunctional homes that abound who practice such.

You’re using OP’s topic to further your cause. Stop it.

Thank you. The number of comments on this platform selling opinions as facts and drawing wrong causations and correlations is alarming. According to the person you quoted, all traditional families are functional and happy. Yeah, right!

nuelyoyo:
How old are you?

3 years, u happy now?

Her interference is too much. The comment she made while you were pregnant is too. That she's your MIL doesn't mean she can speak to you anyhow. Anyone who has threatened to harm your pregnancy should be nowhere near your kids, esp. when no remorse has been shown nor apology given. Your kids don't have to stay with her if you're not comfortable with the idea; child/daycare centers and kindergarten exist for a reason.