Acidosis:
When a man agrees to the equal submission nonsense in the home, sons and daughters from that home end up becoming "mama's boys and girls". To all those denying their husbands the "head-ship" authority, brace up for war with your daughter in-laws. You can't eat your cake and have it too.

Your father in-law is a weak man and the root cause of the problems you currently face. He's too weak to put his wife under authority. She's first a wife before becoming a MIL.She failed as a wife, of course, she's going to fail as a MIL too. She "conquered" her husband, of course, she'll always "conquer" her son too.

In so far as your husband remains the son to your MIL, there is absolutely nothing you can do. Your FIL is the ONLY solution to your problem.

exactly. the guy's father is to blame for this cos he is too weak to control d wife.

Magnoliaa:



So, you cannot submit to your wife?


And you say conventional gender and family roles... like that is the best way to go? The most effective and perfect way? Like it's working? And its result is not being seen our society?

What's your definition of submission and why should I submit to my wife?

if this is actually the true story no added spices and maggi, I think his his mom would eventually get her frustrated if she start living with them.

Why not speak to you husband to get a job where you live now and take and take care of his parents from there by sending them money etc

For how long will he continue to have his mom around everywhere he goes, speak to him and moreover if you allow your husband to live in ML or Nig while he comes once a while to visit I am sorry you guys would eventually end up apart, think about the impact of such thing on you and your child or children if you truly love your spouse talk to him about it but if he insists you might have to let his mother come live you guys over there, it will be better than you living with them here in Ng

lastly, forget about what she said when you were pregnant she won't harm your child her grand child, I think she is just this kind of annoying person who rants unreasonably and want people to bend to her will, with some good elderly advice from the right persons or relative you would cope with her successfully plus you still have to speak to your husband and let him know he can't continue to ignore ugly situation when he is suppose to act for instance when that utterance came out from her mouth he is suppose to calm her control the situation, go to his mom later and speak to her let her know what she said was wrong and try to have things work out between you guys

this type of occurrence happens everywhere

So you're training your kids all alone in NY while your husband is busy suckling on his mum's breast in Maryland.
Your home is broken already, what remains now is divorce.

If you don't want those kids to start seeing themselves as akata, better open your doors to your husband. I have a feeling that your mum in law is not as bad as you paint her.

lefulefu:
exactly. the guy's father is to blame for this cos he is too weak to control d wife.

the husband weak die, also the guys love for his mother has made him weak but love for either your parent, wife or children shouldn't make us a weak rather strengthen us, I can't look down on my wife because of my mother and I can't look down on my mother because of my wife there must be a balance if they don't get along that is the beginning of problem for a man it must balance by force

I'm happy you saw all those signs and you still went ahead to marry him. Red flags/signs ignored go on to cause wahala in future. His parents should remain where they are before the almighty mother inlaw will come and blow the kids and they will lose life in them. Just imagine what a mother inlaw to be says to a daughter inlaw. So annoying. All these women as breadwinner who can't be controlled eh.

Madam maintain your stand. You are the one who knows where the issues is pinching you. Do what is best for your own sanity and peace of mind. I'm happy that you are in a country that supports women and kids. Las Las na you go win. That divorce card he is bringing up won't kill you.

King44:
the husband weak die, also the guys love for his mother has made him weak but love for either your parent, wife or children shouldn't make us a weak rather strengthen us, I can't look down on my wife because of my mother and I can't look down on my mother because of my wife there must be a balance if they don't get along that is the beginning of problem for a man it must balance by force

exactly. u cant hate one and love d other. balance suppose dey and na so dem dey take know a real man . i don already talk am b4 say wen u see a mother in law acting like a thug make u look closely and u go see say d husband of such a woman na d sissy type. d type wen they were younger d wife will tell him to shut up and he will really shut up or d one wey im wife go give am dirty slap for public and im go dey look ground. now d sissy character has rubbed on his son. so men really need to brace up and act like real heads of the family.

In a relationship like this,if the guy is in charge,it will be very easy for the lady to be tolerant and patient. What Op needs now is wisdom because as you hold on to what your inlaw said two years,that's how every of your negative action will be held on to. I believe with time things will fall in places if only your man can let his mother know her role is his marriage.

I guess your presence meant a lot to her while she was gutted by your failure to turn up, hence, your excuse wasn't genuine enough.

Evidently, women this age would have failed in circumstances our mothers came through.
Hurt as you missed her occassion, your MIL would equally have scolded her daughter as sternly as she did you. Our mothers often yell at us how hard they'd slap our eyes off the socket but do they really?. You've got to discharge the harmful preconceived deposits off your head and understand her language of communicating her feelings but it seems the closest you are to her is a phone call. Quite unfortunately, you could be less bothered spending a little of your spare time with her, let alone her daughter from whom much about your MIL could be learned.
You'd rather get in the circle and watch her take you in as a daughter.

I want to ask a question that need an urgent and honest answer. Why is it that women take blames in every marriages in Africa. Why is it that bible said for better for worse but women take the worst aspect in Africa. Why is it that when a woman marries, her family always wanna stay on their lane but the mans family will always want to complicate issues and Africans will always tell the woman to endure her inlaws. Now, can any man endure his mother inlaw coming to give him headache in his own house?. Why can't the mans family live like the womans family. Why is it that a woman is expected to endure everything in African marriage and we still call that culture. Why must a woman marry his husband family even when bible said a man and woman should come together as one. Alot of questions on my mind. Pls I need answer to this questions pls. And also why can't a man also marry his wives family. We African need to wake to realities of life and do things the right way without mixing christianity and culture together

virgoquin:

As if this is full statement she made..you just carry the one that suit your own narrative.

So that she can be termed "feminist"

Timijo:


Dear Biggermembersro,

I truly sympathise with you for all that you have gone through in your marriage. Although I cannot blame your husband or his parents because this is just your own version of the story.

If it all happened as you narrated, please do not agree to stay with your husband's family. Some mother inlaws could be very mean especially the African ones.
Please ignore those who said that it is part of marriage experiences, endure and keep the African's laws.
Do not agree to stay in an abusive marriage with a serial bully, it is very dangerous for you and your child.

However, if your husband wants to relocate to New York with his parents, tell him to rent a separate appartment for them and hire a nanny that will take care of them. Do not agree to live under the same roof with them. Remember, a leopard cannot change the colour of its skin.

If your husband does not like this, be firm but don't be rude. Just tell him NO. If he threatens to divorce you, so be it. Don't allow him to carjole you.

Remember, it is better for you to be alive and train your child than to be in an abusive marriage.

I will also advise you to inform your parents about what you are going through. This is very important for reference purpose. I am not saying that you should report your husband and his parents to them, but explain all your predicaments and how you are handling them.

In conclusion, do not forget to pray unto God for divine intervention in your home.
I hope this will help you in your decision.

Kind regards.

timijo

I think she should allow her live with then in NY, one of the things that was ignored is that I don't think she has leaved with the guys mom for a week or so to know her before going into deeper relationship with her son, she should see it as a chance to know her better but if it turns sour after trial then the option of her living somewhere else should kick in moreover, divorce shouldn't be in her option list she does not have any issue with her husband so why should she now divorce because of her mother in-law it's unreasonable

there is nothing like a perfect relationship all relationships have their ups and down inside but looks perfect outside, if its a perfect relationship is what she is looking for she should go ahead and divorce

I don't understand why the lady should dictate to what city her husband should work in because she is afraid his parents will follow him to New York and ruin her nice arrangement. Why can't his family pull resources together to pay for his parent's accommodation in Maryland while he moves to NY to be with his wife and kids since she's refused to move to Maryland?

The man is trying to get close his wife and kids while his wife is finding ways to keep the family apart. If it continues the way it is going, divorce would be knocking on their door.

Nigerian wives never like their husband's in-law's. It is a well known fact. If it were her parents in this situation, she'll be asking them to move in with them.

King44:
I think she should allow her live with then in NY, one of the things that was ignored is that I don't think she has leaved with the guys mom for a week or so to know her before going into deeper relationship with her son, she should see it as a chance to know her better but if it turns sour after trial then the option of her living somewhere else should kick in moreover, divorce shouldn't be in her option list she does not have any issue with her husband so why should she now divorce because of her mother in-law it's unreasonable

there is nothing like a perfect relationship all relationships have their ups and down inside but looks perfect outside, if its a perfect relationship is what she is looking for she should go ahead and divorce

In as much as you tried to convince me and the poster, I still disagree with you.
There is an adage that says, "You just put one of your legs in the river and crocodile is pulling it. What will happen if you now put both legs?" She has seen the handwriting of abusive marriage on the wall. So, why would she allow the full manifestation? If the husband cannot caution his mother and defend his wife, I still suggest that they live separately. Mother inlaws could be strong thorn in the flesh, especially if they are yorubas. They always read bad meanings to every action.

Timijo:


In as much as you tried to convince me and the poster, I still disagree with you.
There is an adage that says, "You just put one of your legs in the river and crocodile is pulling it. What will happen if you now put both legs?" She has seen the handwriting of abusive marriage on the wall. So, why would she allow the full manifestation? If the husband cannot caution his mother and defend his wife, I still suggest that they live separately. Mother inlaws could be strong thorn in the flesh, especially if they are yorubas. They always read bad meanings to every action.

"especially if they are Yoruba's" haha so miss owner of articles aka op divorce is the only way out you decision is yours to make

Nairaland is not a blog that you bring this sort of issue to. A lot of the men here are misorygnist and abusive. I mean, the third response to this topic was already insulting the OP without bothering to understand her post! Another suggested that she endures all that crap that she's going through for the sake of her marriage even though she's in the States! I am not saying that she should seek a divorce as it's not a good record to have. Both parties should take a time off and meditate on their situation. If your man really loves you, he knows what to do.

OP, go to blogs such Bella Naija where you will find like-minded people who can give you a reasonable advice or ask family friends, your husband's extended family members, mutual friends, senior mentors, who can be neutral, for advice. You can't expect rational response from a blog where topics such as "I am 30 and I want to groom my 16 year old girlfriend for marriage" or "do I need permission from my husband to buy property?" or "I am tired of my girl's pussy" are on the front page.

King44:
"especially if they are Yoruba's" haha so miss owner of articles aka op divorce is the only way out you decision is yours to make

No, I did not suggest divorce as the only option.
According to her, her husband is threatening her with divorce. So if the man will not leave his father and mother to cleave to his wife peacefully as the woman has done but prefers divorce; so be it.

Biggermembersro:
Some people's sole aim in this world is to provoke people intentionally, I am a "slow to react to anger" kind of person and I always stay in my lane and mind my business, once I smell trouble coming from afar, I run to the opposite direction as fast as my leg can carry me, I come from a tribe where you have to respect elders no matter the situation same as what my Bible says so what gives abeg.......


If I decide to turn American now, I'll just tell him he can't bring anyone here without my permission, but no, I won't tell him that, some of their laws here is stupid to be honest and I'm a nice person and I was born and bred in the north in Nigeria also I don't want to escalate issue, I am the only one here, my family is in Nigeria and i never mentioned any of this to them so it won't turn to family issues, now he's not talking to me saying he will take drastic measures, it will not pass divorce and custody battle of which I know I will win but I don't want that for my kids, they need their parents in the same home not divorced, my own is he should stay where he is and take care of his parents and continue worshiping his mum, is it that hard?

I dey vex abeg, pls advice on other options fam.

even if you were living in Nigeria, i would still say this STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!!!!!! find time to counsel your husband about the idea of his folks moving over. Goodluck

Timijo:


In as much as you tried to convince me and the poster, I still disagree with you.
There is an adage that says, "You just put one of your legs in the river and crocodile is pulling it. What will happen if you now put both legs?" She has seen the handwriting of abusive marriage on the wall. So, why would she allow the full manifestation? If the husband cannot caution his mother and defend his wife, I still suggest that they live separately. Mother inlaws could be strong thorn in the flesh, especially if they are yorubas. They always read bad meanings to every action.

you made sense until you infused tribal bigotry.

gforce5:
Nairaland is not a blog that you bring this sort of issue to. A lot of the men here are misorygnist and abusive. I mean, the third response to this topic was already insulting the OP without bothering to understand her post! Another suggested that she endures all that crap that she's going through for the sake of her marriage even though she's in the States! I am not saying that she should seek a divorce as it's not a good record to have. Both parties should take a time off and meditate on their situation. If your man really loves you, he knows what to do.

OP, go to blogs such Bella Naija where you will find like-minded people who can give you a reasonable advice or ask family friends, your husband's extended family members, mutual friends, senior mentors, who can be neutral, for advice. You can't expect rational response from a blog where topics such as "I am 30 and I want to groom my 16 year old girlfriend for marriage" or "do I need permission from my husband to buy property?" or "I am tired of my girl's pussy" are on the front page.

Dear gforce5,

For the fact that you think there are no reasonble people on nairaland to offer good counsels to the Poster does not make your opinion correct.

I want you to know that there are reasonble and high intellectual people on nairaland who have offered Godly counsels and the Poster can attest to this.

Thank you.

Girl. tell me about it.

Mindfulness:


I know! And that's the problem! People are not taught how to communicate effectively. And this is the result. Two years later she still holds a grudge. I am sure it could have been worked out was she taught to explain herself and her MIL taught how to resolve conflict peacefully and politely.

iaatmguy:
you made sense until you infused tribal bigotry.

I am sorry if that offends you.
However, that is not a "tribal bigotry" but a fact. I am also a Yoruba man and I like to call a spade a spade.

King44:
if this is actually the true story no added spices and maggi, I think his his mom would eventually get her frustrated if she start living with them.

Why not speak to you husband to get a job where you live now and take and take care of his parents from there by sending them money etc

For how long will he continue to have his mom around everywhere he goes, speak to him and moreover if you allow your husband to live in ML or Nig while he comes once a while to visit I am sorry you guys would eventually end up apart, think about the impact of such thing on you and your child or children if you truly love your spouse talk to him about it but if he insists you might have to let his mother come live you guys over there, it will be better than you living with them here in Ng

lastly, forget about what she said when you were pregnant she won't harm your child her grand child, I think she is just this kind of annoying person who rants unreasonably and want people to bend to her will, with some good elderly advice from the right persons or relative you would cope with her successfully plus you still have to speak to your husband and let him know he can't continue to ignore ugly situation when he is suppose to act for instance when that utterance came out from her mouth he is suppose to calm her control the situation, go to his mom later and speak to her let her know what she said was wrong and try to have things work out between you guys

this type of occurrence happens everywhere

Love the first 12 words cos u never can tell. why? cos we were not there!

aunty i like you well well, sorry i don't have any advice for you but i will put your marriage in prayer and let their be peace in your home. you are entitled to enjoy motherhood. stand on your decision if not that woman will scatter your marriage.

Asquare84:
Remember you are an African woman and forget about those western civilization, respect your in-laws

do you have sense? will you be happy to hear that your sis mil say such to your sister

soberdrunk:



Well if you truly love your husband and want to stay married to him you have to endure her, from your husband's actions it is obvious he will pick his mum over you anytime anyday so the choice is yours......

endure what? so tomorrow you come to nairaland and type rip, the culprit should be brought to book

soberdrunk:




The key to every successful marriage is "endurance" from both husband and wife, when you marry someone you have to endure the bad, the worst and the ugly, and a child is already involved so she can't exactly just up and leave.......

is marriage not supposed to be enjoyed? if you choose to endure yours not everyone is you

Let me say this due to experience. Never allow external parties live in your house. We tolerate our kids when they act up because they are our kids. We tolerate our spouses because of the same reason. We may not tolerate other parties because we may not be emotional attached to them.

Having external parties stay with you creates problems even when these parties are not as strong willed as your MIL. In your case you are wise in anticipating these inevitable problems.

Some people here have offer good advice such as your husband offering to rent a place for them in Maryland and continue to support them. You may also consider supporting too financially because both of you are in it together.

I’m quite disappointed with your husband’s decision and attachment with his family. I agree he feels obligated to his mom but not to a point of being subservient to her. It seems your MIL is running your husband’s affairs and that certainly not good for a man.

Your husband needs to start acting as a man with family and not a man in a family.

Biggermembersro:


It's like you did not read everything so read it again, she use to be the breadwinner but not anymore, she is a person that anything she says is final so tell me how it will be if she does same in my home.

Dont let these people bully you into changing your mind. That woman is trouble, keep respecting her on phone but never allow her move into your house. Marriage is two becoming one not three becoming one

I thank God everyday for the kind of parents I have, for giving me sensible parents.
Because God knows that if my parents or my mother were to behave as blatantly senselessly as is portrayed in this post (if it is true), I would have no qualms about clearing her doubts appropriately.

This is not about supporting mother or supporting wife. It is just about being a rational, sensible, fair human being.

If someone older than you (including your parents) decide to be blatantly senseless, it is only appropriate to correct them clearly.
There is something called "loving correction" even for adults, seniors and parents..... the same way they used to "lovingly correct" us with cane as children when we were growing up, to make sure we grew up sensible.

I blame the husband here...for being spineless and unable to take charge (if the story is actually exactly as portrayed, cos people have a way of skewing things to make it look as if they have no fault in the matter).

Acidosis:
When a man agrees to the equal submission nonsense in the home, sons and daughters from that home end up becoming "mama's boys and girls". To all those denying their husbands the "head-ship" authority, brace up for war with your daughter in-laws. You can't eat your cake and have it too.

Your father in-law is a weak man and the root cause of the problems you currently face. He's too weak to put his wife under authority. She's first a wife before becoming a MIL.She failed as a wife, of course, she's going to fail as a MIL too. She "conquered" her husband, of course, she'll always "conquer" her son too.

In so far as your husband remains the son to your MIL, there is absolutely nothing you can do. Your FIL is the ONLY solution to your problem.

wow...so much wisdom..baba u too reason ...respect sir