My brother in-law who is my wife's only brother lost his wife late last year due to kidney problem. She was just 29yr old, they were married for only 3 years and blessed with a 2 years old daughter, same age with my daughter. During the burial ceremony the girls mother hired some touts and police men to cause problems and whisk the little girl away from my in-laws, claiming the boy was instrumental to her daughters death . However they couldn't succeed. It was agreed for my wife to go with the little girl pending when the matter is resolved. This just happened less than a week and the matter hasn't died out.

Now my inlaws are suggesting for the little girl to live with us and start school for now till the long vacation holiday (June).

My concerns are:

1. I am of the opinion for the matter to be fully resolved in a police station with agreement duely signed before she can settle in my house for now...

2. I am also seeing it ad a huge burden on my wife. We already have 2kids and it's a mouthful at the moment.

3. The brother will have to be financially involved


Pls I need suggestions on how to handle this so my inlaws won't see me as not being helpful.

Both my inlaws are retired and comfortable in their own house

Wise decision to sign an agreement with the family, involve a lawyer too if need be.

The issue of parenting this girl should be tabled to avoid any stories, i am sure that the deceased mother's family have people too.

The part of the brother supporting the girl financially in the agreement should be bolded, very vital.

Since she is just 2years old, it wouldn't be much of a problem, because at this point in her life the little girl needs a mother figure, am sure your wife can provide that since she is a mother already.

Peace.

Would you have asked these questions if the little girl belongs to any of your siblings?

No! You won't.

From my observations; You truly do not want to habour that child but don't know how to face the bad talks that will come after it and possibly, the reaction of your wife.

Oga! If money is the problem to sponsor the child's education. Discuss it with your wife for her to discuss it with her brother , so that they'll know how the girl's education and welfare will be financially taken care of.

Please Just be straight to the point, na money matter be your concern. Las las you all will be ok.

conyema12:
My brother in-law who is my wife's only brother lost his wife late last year due to kidney problem. She was just 29yr old, they were married for only 3 years and blessed with a 2 years old daughter, same age with my daughter. During the burial ceremony the girls mother hired some touts and police men to cause problems and whisk the little girl away from my in-laws, claiming the boy was instrumental to her daughters death . However they couldn't succeed. It was agreed for my wife to go with the little girl pending when the matter is resolved. This just happened less than a week and the matter hasn't died out.

Now my inlaws are suggesting for the little girl to live with us and start school for now till the long vacation holiday (June).

My concerns are:

1. I am of the opinion for the matter to be fully resolved in a police station with agreement duely signed before she can settle in my house for now...

2. I am also seeing it ad a huge burden on my wife. We already have 2kids and it's a mouthful at the moment.

3. The brother will have to be financially involved


Pls I need suggestions on how to handle this so my inlaws won't see me as not being helpful.

Both my inlaws are retired and comfortable in their own house

two and three are the concerns here.

It shouldn't be so difficult for your wife to take care of her niece after all her children are of the same age that should make it more easier. Seems like the only issue here is the financial burden,you no wan train another man pikin at your own detriment. Simply ask the father to make financial provision for his daughter pending when they resolve the whole case

Izza simply sturv

Bro, brave up and do it as if you are doing it to God, assuming you believe that there is one.

It is not like the mom and dad are alive and healthy, yet the want you to help them. A 2 year old kid doesn't eat much. If you are too worried, your parents inlaws can provide clothing and diapers(if required).

My parents took in many cousins of mine whose parents were divorced, dead or critically ill. They were not rich,but God blessed them.

Guy, hurriedly take in this little girl and love her like your own, this is the most humane thing you will ever do in your life. She is just two and will feel comfortable having a mate around, Children are always a handful but God has given parents the grace for adaptability. None of these issues are her fault. In fact forget about all those police resolution or documentation you're talking about, dat one na just means to bend dey girl destiny. As per the financial support from your brother in law, i'm very sure he will be supportive, even if he doesn't, the girl's up keep can never be beyond what you and your wife can handle.

Don't let the opportunity slide, its only good people that are offered this kind of task

MMXX:
It shouldn't be so difficult for your wife to take care of her niece after all her children are of the same age that should make it more easier . Seems like the only issue here is the financial burden,you no wan train another man pikin at your own detriment. Simply ask the father to make financial provision for his daughter pending when they resolve the whole case

Izza simply sturv

Have you ever raised a small child?

Always talking about things they don’t know

The father is alive and healthy

Curiouscity:
Bro, brave up and do it as if you are doing it to God, assuming you believe that there is one.

It is not like the mom and dad are alive and healthy , yet the want you to help them. A 2 year old kid doesn't eat much. If you are too worried, your parents inlaws can provide clothing and diapers(if required).

My parents took in many cousins of mine whose parents were divorced, dead or critically ill. They were not rich,but God blessed them.

cococandy:


Have you ever raised a small child?

Always talking about things they don’t know

How much more difficult can that be for the woman seeing that man says she has children of same age.

It's not rocket science na.na wa o

Actually a lot more difficult. Children are individual human beings with different traits. They don’t all eat the same things. Or like the same things. Or sleep at the same time.
Caring for them is not one size fits all.
But I guess since you added a photo to your comment, then you must be right.

What do I know ?

MMXX:
How much more difficult can that be for the woman seeing that man says she has children of same age.

It's not rocket science na.na wa o

So the girl's grandmother wants to care for her grandchild, understandable. Why are they trying to force her on you guys instead of someone who wants to take care of her?

Can't her dad work out some arrangement with his MIL so that he gets to visit her on occasion as he obviously doesn't want to take on her care.

It's called being a dog in a manger.

cococandy:
Actually a lot more difficult. Children are individual human beings with different traits. They don’t all eat the same things. Or like the same things. Or sleep at the same time.
Caring for them is not one size fits all.
But I guess since you added a photo to your comment, then you must be right.

What do I know ?

As a woman you sef read what you wrote na.So you mean if they were blessed with one more child they'll find it difficult to raise.Obviously not na,so simply assume that child to be yours and it becomes easier

What to eat,what to wear all boils down to financial worries/burden for him, which it's been suggested he seek that from the childs father

Osasnidas:
Wise decision to sign an agreement with the family, involve a lawyer too if need be.

The issue of parenting this girl should be tabled to avoid any stories, i am sure that the deceased mother's family have people too.

The part of the brother supporting the girl financially in the agreement should be bolded, very vital.

Since she is just 2years old, it wouldn't be much of a problem, because at this point in her life the little girl needs a mother figure, am sure your wife can provide that since she is a mother already.

Peace.

Thanks for your contribution. The issue of the agreement is purely to avoid an issue of the mother in law coming in future to claim the child.
Or create problems for my family.

donstan18:
Would you have asked these questions if the little girl belongs to any of your siblings?

No! You won't.

From my observations; You truly do not want to habour that child but don't know how to face the bad talks that will come after it and possibly, the reaction of your wife.

Oga! If money is the problem to sponsor the child's education. Discuss it with your wife for her to discuss it with her brother , so that they'll know how the girl's education and welfare will be financially taken care of.

Thanks brother... I would have asked if the conditions are the same.

The conditions are that the young man lived an irresponsibile life while the wife was sick and and should learn the take responsibility.

While the second is an offshoot from the first because of the sour relationship with the mother inlaw. Just to avoid her tracing my house to cause trouble I need them to settle the matter with the police as soon as possible.

Curiouscity:
Bro, brave up and do it as if you are doing it to God, assuming you believe that there is one.

It is not like the mom and dad are alive and healthy, yet the want you to help them. A 2 year old kid doesn't eat much. If you are too worried, your parents inlaws can provide clothing and diapers(if required).

My parents took in many cousins of mine whose parents were divorced, dead or critically ill. They were not rich,but God blessed them.

Thanks very much... That's exactly what I want to hear

brodalikeme:
Guy, hurriedly take in this little girl and love her like your own, this is the most humane thing you will ever do in your life. She is just two and will feel comfortable having a mate around, Children are always a handful but God has given parents the grace for adaptability. None of these issues are her fault. In fact forget about all those police resolution or documentation you're talking about, dat one na just means to bend dey girl destiny. As per the financial support from your brother in law, i'm very sure he will be supportive, even if he doesn't, the girl's up keep can never be beyond what you and your wife can handle.

Don't let the opportunity slide, its only good people that are offered this kind of task

I just need the my brother in law to settle whatever issues he is having with his mother in law..... Because she wants to take the child away with touts during the burial ceremony...

The child has a father.
What's his say in all these?
If it was the man who was deceased and the child was being taken away from the mum, we will all be screaming here.
.
The issue of the childs care lies with the father and he should decide what is best for his child. Maybe the grandmothers approach was wrong, but the intention seems right. To care for her grandchild. This can be worked out between the father and his late wife's family.
.
How to raise this child is not yours or your wife's decision to make.

blank:
So the girl's grandmother wants to care for her grandchild, understandable. Why are they trying to force her on you guys instead of someone who wants to take care of her?

Can't her dad work out some arrangement with his MIL so that he gets to visit her on occasion as he obviously doesn't want to take on her care.

It's called being a dog in a manger.

They had a soured relationship before the daughter eventually died... I don't think it can be fixed.

Winneygirl:
The child has a father.
What's his say in all these?
If it was the man who was deceased and the child was being taken away from the mum, we will all be screaming here.
.
The issue of the childs care lies with the father and he should decide what is best for his child. Maybe the grandmothers approach was wrong, but the intention seems right. To care for her grandchild. This can be worked out between the father and his late wife's family.
.
How to raise this child is not yours or your wife's decision to make.

Thank you for the raw wisdom...
At this point the decision lies with him.
He wants my wife to take care of her daughter for now.

But I would really love him to make peace with her mother in law for posterity sake. She lost her daughter for heaven sake. I won't want my home to be a battle ground...

Don't let anybody pressure you into what you don't want to do. If you decides to accept or reject the girl, it is your call, your pocket, your sanity and your well being. You know better than any of us. Make a choice and just know that you are not a bad person if you chose not to house her

MMXX:
As a woman you sef read what you wrote na.So you mean if they were blessed with one more child they'll find it difficult to raise.Obviously not na,so simply assume that child to be yours and it becomes easier

What to eat,what to wear all boils down to financial worries/burden for him, which it's been suggested he seek that from the childs father

As a woman, I’ll be wise to have the number of children I can’t physically and mentally cater to. Assume indeed. Why is it so easy for some of you fellas to make light of issues regarding childcare and what it takes to do it?

You have absolutely no idea what it takes and what’s involved. So please keep quiet on this issue let the person who will actually be sacrificing her sleep, peace of mind, time and energy make the decision.

conyema12:
My brother in-law who is my wife's only brother lost his wife late last year due to kidney problem. She was just 29yr old, they were married for only 3 years and blessed with a 2 years old daughter, same age with my daughter. During the burial ceremony the girls mother hired some touts and police men to cause problems and whisk the little girl away from my in-laws, claiming the boy was instrumental to her daughters death . However they couldn't succeed. It was agreed for my wife to go with the little girl pending when the matter is resolved. This just happened less than a week and the matter hasn't died out.

Now my inlaws are suggesting for the little girl to live with us and start school for now till the long vacation holiday (June).

My concerns are:

1. I am of the opinion for the matter to be fully resolved in a police station with agreement duely signed before she can settle in my house for now...

2. I am also seeing it ad a huge burden on my wife. We already have 2kids and it's a mouthful at the moment.

3. The brother will have to be financially involved


Pls I need suggestions on how to handle this so my inlaws won't see me as not being helpful.

Both my inlaws are retired and comfortable in their own house

There shouldn't be any alarm here.

Your BIL should provide the upkeep for his daughter while you and your wife do the parenting. This shouldn't be a problem unless your BIL has no money.



Why are you seeking for the signoff by police? What is your fears?
Are you afraid she might be kidnapped?
Is your BIL a woman beater?

Wondering why this BIL can’t take care of his own child. This pattern of children losing a mom to illness or something similar and losing a dad too because the dad can’t do the parenting and then getting shipped from house to house is getting old. children are the ones who suffer for it.

When you tell them to learn things that can help them be hands-on dads, it sounds as if you hate them.
How does this man even feel about not living with his own child? He’s okay with having someone else take her because he can’t feed her, keep her clean etc.?

So what’s next? He will move on with someone and start having children he can’t take care of too.
There’s more to being a parent than sending money for school fees.

I just have a personal experience with this and the annoyance is still fresh. And some wonder why children value their moms more. When that’s the only parent they ever truly had.

#rantover

Reading through this thread and the responses from the OP make it very obvious that no situation converning humans is really very clear cut.

1. OP has his own family to care for and obviously it is difficult enough financially. Same as almost everyone else in this flaming country. This makes the thought of adding yet another mouth to feed and body to clothe and child to care for look daunting to the OP

2. Little girl's father has shown irresponsibility. This means that a further worsening of this behaviour will mean the OP and his wife will care for that child until she is fully grown. I have 2 kids. The thought of a third one is enough to cause a panic attack!

3.The little girl's grandmother was very wrong and unnecessarily aggressive in trying to take the child. She obviously blames not only the father for her daughter's death but his entire family including your wife.

Now if the grandmother is acting out of grief, that's a simpler matter and you can speak to her. But if the woman has always been aggressive and bitchy, then I personally will not even advice that the child be given to her as the father will lose his daughter. Now no matter how irresponsible the man is, as long as he hasn't abandonded the child, he should not lose his daughter and be bad mouthed to her.

Also know that if things go wrong with the father or grandmother or you for that matter, all those asking you to care for the child will stand afar off and watch you struggle alone.

Dude, you are in one sticky pickle.

I still think you and your wife should take the child. But first you discuss with the grandmother. You are not taking her daughter's child away from her. You are given her 2 more grandchildren instead. Get a legally binding agreement from all parties concerned including the girl's father (although that part is between him and God. Little you can do there).

My parents took the 3 kids belonging to my aunt when she died as their father was "irresponsible". He came for them when the youngest was about 10. (They lived with us from when the youngest was about 10 months). Today I consider them my sisters and though we don't have a good relationship with their dad, my cousins and I are quite close and they care for my parents anytime they travel. It's not easy, but it is right and blessing/karma/the universe always rewards doing right to kids.

cococandy:
Wondering why this BIL can’t take care of his own child. This pattern of children losing a mom to illness or something similar and losing a dad too because the dad can’t do simple parenting and then getting shipped from house to house is getting old. children are the ones who suffer for it.

When you tell them to learn things that can help them be hands-on dads, it sounds as if you hate them.
How does this man even feel about not living with his own child? He’s okay with having someone else take her because he can’t feed her, keep her clean etc.?

So what’s next? He will move on with someone and start having children he can’t take care of too.
There’s more to being a parent than sending money for school fees.

I just have a personal experience with this and the annoyance is still fresh. And some wonder why children value their moms more. When that’s the only parent they ever truly had.

#rantover

A man can't do much especially when he has to leave his house in the early hours and return late at night. I think it's better (and safer) to have the child live with a trusted sibling than hire a live-in (female) nanny.

If your brother in law cannot take care of the only child his wife left behind, then they should give the child to the wife's mother as a consolation to her. how mean can your wife's family be. They are not interested in taking care of the child, and they won't hand her over to the person fighting to have her. why are they involving you.

Besides, I hope you know the long vacation story is bullsh*t. once you accept the child, any attempt to send her back to them will cause issues.

Well then hats off to single moms who find a way to do it all without shipping the children from relative to relative. truth is that if it’s important to you, you will find a way. No one said it was easy. But when you love someone like yourself, you will do what it takes instead of trying to avoid the difficulty.

You trust your relative. Good. Do you control everyone who comes and goes from their home? More children get abused in relatives homes than at nannies’ hands but that’s talk for another day.

Acidosis:


A man can't do much especially when he has to leave his house in the early hours and return late at night. I think it's better (and safer) to have the child live with a trusted sibling than hire a live-in (female) nanny.

cococandy:
Wondering why this BIL can’t take care of his own child. This pattern of children losing a mom to illness or something similar and losing a dad too because the dad can’t do the parenting and then getting shipped from house to house is getting old. children are the ones who suffer for it.

When you tell them to learn things that can help them be hands-on dads, it sounds as if you hate them.
How does this man even feel about not living with his own child? He’s okay with having someone else take her because he can’t feed her, keep her clean etc.?

So what’s next? He will move on with someone and start having children he can’t take care of too.
There’s more to being a parent than sending money for school fees.

I just have a personal experience with this and the annoyance is still fresh. And some wonder why children value their moms more. When that’s the only parent they ever truly had.

#rantover

That's our men
I will even advice the little girl stay away from him. If he is ever ready to ship her out, then he isn't worth being a daddy.


@op, just hoping you and your wife will treat her as yours regardless pls.
She is very innocent and just lost her mum.
You and your wife can be the new parents.

MIL should be giving visiting right. She is entitled by law so u guys shouldn't deny her that.

As for the deadbeat father, karma always have a way of paying people like him back.


This one u are saying my wife, my wife, seems like its your wife that takes care of your kids 100%.
U guys simply amaze me.


How can I marry a man who thinks that taking care of his children is the wife's responsibility only?

Have u guys not seen the effects on u all?

All the angry boys and men we see here are abandoned by their dad's yet it's so funny they are repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
One thread here was an eye opener. Almost all the nairaland men has one or two bad things to say about their dad.

Look at how they have turned Nigeria into a laughing stock

cococandy:


As a woman, I’ll be wise to have the number of children I can’t physically and mentally cater to. Assume indeed. Why is it so easy for some of you fellas to make light of issues regarding childcare and what it takes to do it?

You have absolutely no idea what it takes and what’s involved. So please keep quiet on this issue let the person who will actually be sacrificing her sleep, peace of mind, time and energy make the decision.

What kind of a lazy female is this one na,so you're in conclusion saying you can't take care of your niece or nephew peradventure something tragic happens to your siblings(God forbid though).

This is not an outsider for Christ sake woman.You must be one of those wicked hags out there who would enslave their own relatives if their care is entrusted to you

Left for me,the baby should be handed over to the MIL...she lost a daughter and will see the little girl as the only good thing that came out of the union that claimed her daughters life ...