Acidosis:


A man can't do much especially when he has to leave his house in the early hours and return late at night. I think it's better (and safer) to have the child live with a trusted sibling than hire a live-in (female) nanny.

A man can do much. Widows leave the house early and return late at night as well and still take care of their kids. This is no excuse.

conyema12:


I just need the my brother in law to settle whatever issues he is having with his mother in law..... Because she wants to take the child away with touts during the burial ceremony...

I understand you perfectly, that mother in law is a bad and unreasonable person that explains her behaviour. How can she say that the son in law kill her daughter, is kidney disease now a communicable disease? or how can she demand custody a child when her ties to the child is no more? There are some issues that has no settlement my guy.

viettastitches:
If your brother in law cannot take care of the only child his wife left behind, then they should give the child to the wife's mother as a consolation to her. how mean can your wife's family be. They are not interested in taking care of the child, and they won't hand her over to the person fighting to have her. why are they involving you.

Besides, I hope you know the long vacation story is bullsh*t. once you accept the child, any attempt to send her back to them will cause issues.

Lol you truly know human nature. Take this to the bank, Op.
Be very sure of what you want to do. Don't start what you can't finish. If you want to accommodate the little girl for an indefinite period of time without input from the father, set your mind and do it because this is likely what will play out despite any agreement (written or unwritten) you may want to have with any party.

But if you know you won't be comfortable with this outcome in the long run, dont even start. Cos changing your mind later on may cause serious issues.

Uyi168:
Left for me,the baby should be handed over to the MIL...she lost a daughter and will see the little girl as the only good thing that came out of the union that claimed her daughters life ...

l concur with you more so because most times, maternal families take better care of their sibling's or children's kids than paternal families especially if the means is available.

This maternal grandma would have kept this little girl with her caring for her but here the paternal grandparents have already started talks of her staying with other family members. Whereas they are comfortably living in their own house. This is where it starts. Why take her away from people or someone who is more than ready to care for her and who has those direct rights too.

Acidosis:


A man can't do much especially when he has to leave his house in the early hours and return late at night. I think it's better (and safer) to have the child live with a trusted sibling than hire a live-in (female) nanny.

Very funny excuses justifying insolent behaviours in men.
The widows that refuse to remarry nko, don't they go to work and still take care of their babies till adulthood.?

cococandy:
Well then hats off to single moms who find a way to do it all without shipping the children from relative to relative. truth is that if it’s important to you, you will find a way. No one said it was easy. But when you love someone like yourself, you will do what it takes instead of trying to avoid the difficulty.

You trust your relative. Good. Do you control everyone who comes and goes from their home? More children get abused in relatives homes than at nannies’ hands but that’s talk for another day.

How many single moms survive perfectly without stipends from baby daddy/boyfriends?

Theyoungmatron:
Very funny excuses justifying insolent behaviours in men.
The widows that refuse to remarry nko, don't they go to work and still take care of their babies till adulthood.?

You realize many of them go through "hell"? Should everyone go through hell because they have trust issues?

A 2 year old girl needs a mother figure. Someone just got to stand in and fill the gap.

ireneidiva:

A man can do much. Widows leave the house early and return late at night as well and still take care of their kids. This is no excuse.

Don't mind them.

Acidosis:


You realize many of them go through "hell"? Should everyone go through hell because they have trust issues?

A 2 year old girl needs a mother figure. Someone just got to stand in and fill the gap.

Nobody says it's gonna be easy. The perchance to always look for an easy way out is the main grouse.

Acidosis:


You realize many of them go through "hell"? Should everyone go through hell because they have trust issues?

A 2 year old girl needs a mother figure. Someone just got to stand in and fill the gap.

But not a father figure?

See what lack of proper father figure has done to most of u guys.


Always ready to shift the " burden" to another person and continue with your life.
How selfless of u guys.

I visited the orphanage one time and on my interaction with the workers, I found out that once some men lose their wives, they will ship their kids to an orphanage pending when they are able to marry again and shift the responsibilities to the new wife. It was very shocking.
Never knew such can be done.
Met one of such men one day and he said he pay some amount to the orphanage and visits whenever he can.
What does he do for a living? A civil servant!
And he can't take care of 2 small kids.

Yet he has time to visit his girlfriend in another state.

U guys should stop. U have been destroying families and Nigeria with this myopic and self entitlement mentality.

If u are not ready to nurture a child, don't bring one to this wicked world.

sassysure:

But not a father figure?

See what lack of proper father figure has done to most of u guys.


Always ready to shift the " burden" to another person and continue with your life.
How selfless of u guys.

I visited the orphanage one time and on my interaction with the workers, I found out that once some men lose their wives, they will ship their kids to an orphanage pending when they are able to marry again and shift the responsibilities to the new wife. It was very shocking.
Never knew such can be done.
Met one of such men one day and he said he pay some amount to the orphanage and visits whenever he can.
What does he do for a living? A civil servant!
And he can't take care of 2 small kids.

Yet he has time to visit his girlfriend in another state.

U guys should stop. U have been destroying families and Nigeria with this myopic and self entitlement mentality.

If u are not ready to nurture a child, don't bring one to this wicked world.

See what lack of proper father figure has done to most of u guys.

U guys should stop. U have been destroying families and Nigeria with this myopic and self entitlement mentality.



What is the meaning of this statements?




You have good points though, but you have embedded your points with so much bitterness and insults, cant you have a proper discourse without unwarranted innuendos and negative insinuations.

Gloriousheart:
l concur with you more so because most times, maternal families take better care of their siblings or children's kids than paternal families especially if the means is available.

This maternal grandma would have kept this little girl with her caring for her but here the paternal grandparents have already started talks of her staying with other family members. Whereas they are comfortably living in their own house. This is where it starts. Why take her away from people or someone who is more than ready to care for her and who has those direct rights too.

..
Nice inputs..

babyfaceafrica:



See what lack of proper father figure has done to most of u guys.

U guys should stop. U have been destroying families and Nigeria with this myopic and self entitlement mentality.



What is the meaning of this statements?




You have good points though, but you have embedded your points with so much bitterness and insults, cant you have a proper discourse without unwarranted innuendos and negative insinuations.

It's not bitterness but the truth.
Threads here have shown countless times that our men are seriously lacking and yes, it has affected their reasoning and initiatives as role models.

E.g., u see a British man doing what he is supposed to do for his family as a man. He works, wife works and they both take care of the house and child.
Now, if he is an administrator, he will help sponsor a family oriented bill cos he knows what it takes to be a family man. If he is a biz man, he will know that it takes more than money to make a family so he has to create room and time for his family.
The child grow up balanced. Not loving mother more. Cos of the way that child was brought up, he uses the same format, changing more rules to favour parents and child.

But look at all the laws we have in Nigeria, none is family oriented. Cos the men don't see child bonding with his father as an issue. It has churned out very aggressive and anti female men all over who believe that when u make the money, u will get the lady and extend the treatment to their kids unknowingly.
And the circle continues.

sassysure:

It's not bitterness but the truth.
Threads here have shown countless times that our men are seriously lacking and yes, it has affected their reasoning and initiatives as role models.

E.g., u see a British man doing what he is supposed to do for his family as a man. He works, wife works and they both take care of the house and child.
Now, if he is an administrator, he will help sponsor a family oriented bill cos he knows what it takes to be a family man. If he is a biz man, he will know that it takes more than money to make a family so he has to create room and time for his family.
The child grow up balanced. Not loving mother more. Cos of the way that child was brought up, he uses the same format, changing more rules to favour parents and child.

But look at all the laws we have in Nigeria, none is family oriented. Cos the men don't see child bonding with his father as an issue. It has churned out very aggressive and anti female men all over who believe that when u make the money, u will get the lady and extend the treatment to their kids unknowingly.
And the circle continues.

okay

sassysure:

It's not bitterness but the truth.
Threads here have shown countless times that our men are seriously lacking and yes, it has affected their reasoning and initiatives as role models.

E.g., u see a British man doing what he is supposed to do for his family as a man. He works, wife works and they both take care of the house and child.
Now, if he is an administrator, he will help sponsor a family oriented bill cos he knows what it takes to be a family man. If he is a biz man, he will know that it takes more than money to make a family so he has to create room and time for his family.
The child grow up balanced. Not loving mother more. Cos of the way that child was brought up, he uses the same format, changing more rules to favour parents and child.

But look at all the laws we have in Nigeria, none is family oriented. Cos the men don't see child bonding with his father as an issue. It has churned out very aggressive and anti female men all over who believe that when u make the money, u will get the lady and extend the treatment to their kids unknowingly.
And the circle continues.

Very pathetic situation. A man loses his wife and has to look for where to dump his daughter until when?

Acidosis:


A man can't do much especially when he has to leave his house in the early hours and return late at night. I think it's better (and safer) to have the child live with a trusted sibling than hire a live-in (female) nanny.

That's not even the point, the point is women are stepping up and getting demanding jobs to help the family these days. Men should man up too and take responsibility for their kids (no pun intended). Work is no longer a valid excuse not to be a hands on dad

Sometimes, I wonder if NL people actually live in Nig. Well, what do I know?

Theyoungmatron:
Very funny excuses justifying insolent behaviours in men.
The widows that refuse to remarry nko, don't they go to work and still take care of their babies till adulthood.?

sassysure:

That's our men
I will even advice the little girl stay away from him. If he is ever ready to ship her out, then he isn't worth being a daddy.


@op, just hoping you and your wife will treat her as yours regardless pls.
She is very innocent and just lost her mum.
You and your wife can be the new parents.

MIL should be giving visiting right. She is entitled by law so u guys shouldn't deny her that.

As for the deadbeat father, karma always have a way of paying people like him back.


This one u are saying my wife, my wife, seems like its your wife that takes care of your kids 100%.
U guys simply amaze me.


How can I marry a man who thinks that taking care of his children is the wife's responsibility only?

Have u guys not seen the effects on u all?

All the angry boys and men we see here are abandoned by their dad's yet it's so funny they are repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
One thread here was an eye opener. Almost all the nairaland men has one or two bad things to say about their dad.

Look at how they have turned Nigeria into a laughing stock

Lol.. pls don’t judge me yet. Its not entirely my wife’s responsibility, my nature of job requires i stay away for a reasonable amount of time. But when i come home, i do play my role to the fullest.

It's your BIL that should be taking care of his kid or your MIL that's insisting that the kid stays within her family.

conyema12:


Lol.. pls don’t judge me yet. Its not entirely my wife’s responsibility, my nature of job requires i stay away for a reasonable amount of time. But when i come home, i do play my role to the fullest.

sassysure:

But not a father figure?

See what lack of proper father figure has done to most of u guys.


Always ready to shift the " burden" to another person and continue with your life.
How selfless of u guys.

I visited the orphanage one time and on my interaction with the workers, I found out that once some men lose their wives, they will ship their kids to an orphanage pending when they are able to marry again and shift the responsibilities to the new wife. It was very shocking.
Never knew such can be done.
Met one of such men one day and he said he pay some amount to the orphanage and visits whenever he can.
What does he do for a living? A civil servant!
And he can't take care of 2 small kids.

Yet he has time to visit his girlfriend in another state.

U guys should stop. U have been destroying families and Nigeria with this myopic and self entitlement mentality.

If u are not ready to nurture a child, don't bring one to this wicked world.

Something is making you angry.

@op, since ur BIL is irresponsible, let her grandma have her. talk to your wife about this,it doesn't mean you don't want the child but in this case the grandma is willing and able to cater for the little girl.

it's best she stays with her grandma as she's just 2years old and needs proper care and attention which I doubt the dad can give her.

if the dad doesn't want that then he should take care of the kid by himself instead of shipping her out

A lot

Acidosis:


How many single moms survive perfectly without stipends from baby daddy/boyfriends?

MMXX:
What kind of a lazy female is this one na,so you're in conclusion saying you can't take care of your niece or nephew peradventure something tragic happens to your siblings(God forbid though).

This is not an outsider for Christ sake woman. You must be one of those wicked hags out there who would enslave their own relatives if their care is entrusted to you

@ bold Yes

PS voluntarily taking on a young child is different from being expected to take on a young child. Has anyone asked the woman involved in this what she wants to do? Or are they just having meetings and making decisions that she will be the one to bear without letting her have the final say?

I’m guessing they are like you. Who see it as nothing. Just a small two year old. But if this woman is no more , the family will break up and her own children will join the list of those waiting to be shipped around.

Let me see which one of these brainless oafs will come back on this forum to ask what women bring to the family. When the families can’t even withstand their absence.

crackkhaus:

Something is making you angry.

So many children with fathers yet fatherless in Nigeria.

They grow up angry and distorted.

Are u happy how Nigeria is?

Is it not you men that has destroyed this beautiful country. Training and orientation starts from the home. When fathers have refused to be fathers, the cycle continues.

How can u run a country if you are a failed dad. Go and read that thread where guys were asked what they hate about their dad. At a point I was spilling tears without knowing.


It's not about coming to nairaland, Twitter etc to attack women. Men should lead by example. We have seen that money doesn't make a complete family.

Thanks to our religions that has worsened this anomaly.

So u are right, I'm angry.
Mothers are superglued to their sons cos dads are not available emotionally. Their sons become their husbands in everything except bed.
When it's time for son to marry, it's war between mother and wife cos father initially refused to do his work.

It's here l learnt that men don't enter kitchen, they don't help in housework etc and we assume it's correct.

Our men has seriously failed us.

You guys never cease to amaze me. ever heard that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. It's not just about calling females, lazy n using a different set of standards for the male . Here's a man who could not be bothered to take care of his sick wife of only two years, at the honeymoon stage o. Again , cant take care of his new child. So, who's really lazy?

MMXX:
What kind of a lazy female is this one na,so you're in conclusion saying you can't take care of your niece or nephew peradventure something tragic happens to your siblings(God forbid though).

This is not an outsider for Christ sake woman.You must be one of those wicked hags out there who would enslave their own relatives if their care is entrusted to you

conyema12:


Lol.. pls don’t judge me yet. Its not entirely my wife’s responsibility, my nature of job requires i stay away for a reasonable amount of time. But when i come home, i do play my role to the fullest.

Sometimes we change our job description to fit in the family.
Do u know it's done.
What of if wife's job is demanding too?

It's always the nature of my job. What job do u guys do in Nigeria that women have not ventured into and more?

Yet, they still manoeuvres their ways around the home.
A man will finish work, go and hang out with guys while a female colleague will finish and go home.
My point is this, know that continual absence of fathers in their children's lives affect them and shapes them negatively. Money or no money.
Children need the emotional balance more than the so called money and future we assume we are creating for them.

If only u guys know that. Nigeria wouldn't have been this bad.

sassysure:

Sometimes we change our job description to fit in the family.
Do u know it's done.
What of if wife's job is demanding too?

It's always the nature of my job. What job do u guys do in Nigeria that women have not ventured into and more?

Yet, they still manoeuvres their ways around the home.
A man will finish work, go and hang out with guys while a female colleague will finish and go home.
My point is this, know that continual absence of fathers in their children's lives affect them and shapes them negatively. Money or no money.
Children need the emotional balance more than the so called money and future we assume we are creating for them.

If only u guys know that. Nigeria wouldn't have been this bad.

I must admit that men has failed in this regard. the African society taught men that all they need to do is provide for the family and that is all for the man. seriously, the rate at which children are being raised without the father has done a lot of damages and will still do more in the society because most men are not ready to change their orientation. there is a kind of discipline the man will his children that will instill some moral values in them. I went to the village recently, come and see how awkward and disrespectful the children are because the father is not always at home. most father don't know what the family will eat

Amanee:


That's not even the point, the point is women are stepping up and getting demanding jobs to help the family these days. Men should man up too and take responsibility for their kids (no pun intended). Work is no longer a valid excuse not to be a hands on dad

Work is a valid reason. Men do onshore/offshore jobs, men work as sailors. Men work as military men, etc. You don't expect this category of workers to sit in the house changing diapers. Some of us entered boarding school at 9. We were left in the hands of total strangers. Some parents are not overprotective and some don't have trust issues.

sassysure:


So many children with fathers yet fatherless in Nigeria.

They grow up angry and distorted.

Are u happy how Nigeria is?

Is it not you men that has destroyed this beautiful country. Training and orientation starts from the home. When fathers have refused to be fathers, the cycle continues.

How can u run a country if you are a failed dad. Go and read that thread where guys were asked what they hate about their dad. At a point I was spilling tears without knowing.


It's not about coming to nairaland, Twitter etc to attack women. Men should lead by example. We have seen that money doesn't make a complete family.

Thanks to our religions that has worsened this anomaly.

So u are right, I'm angry.
Mothers are superglued to their sons cos dads are not available emotionally. Their sons become their husbands in everything except bed.
When it's time for son to marry, it's war between mother and wife cos father initially refused to do his work.

It's here l learnt that men don't enter kitchen, they don't help in housework etc and we assume it's correct.

Our men has seriously failed us.

Yup, that's really my point.

So the real question now should be, is your husband/father like those fathers and men that make you so angry?

If you were to ask women on Nairaland if any of them is married to the type of men who have destroyed Nigeria, do you think anyone here would say yes?


This is my point; the same way you all on NL are surprisingly married to wonderful Nigerian men and have wonderful Nigeria fathers, does not mean there are no bad men outchea.
Alternatively, the same way some males here have certain views that you interpret as destructive to society, does not mean there are no good men outchea like your husband or your father.

Fatherless children and absentee fathers are not even as prevalent in Nigeria as you see in western countries given the importance of child support just to keep the men involved, but I don't see you talking about how it has destroyed those countries. You understand me yet?

If what is getting you so angry about fathers has nothing to do with what you have personally experienced in your life, then I'm afraid your anger is from a place of bias.

conyema12:
My brother in-law who is my wife's only brother lost his wife late last year due to kidney problem. She was just 29yr old, they were married for only 3 years and blessed with a 2 years old daughter, same age with my daughter. During the burial ceremony the girls mother hired some touts and police men to cause problems and whisk the little girl away from my in-laws, claiming the boy was instrumental to her daughters death . However they couldn't succeed. It was agreed for my wife to go with the little girl pending when the matter is resolved. This just happened less than a week and the matter hasn't died out.

Now my inlaws are suggesting for the little girl to live with us and start school for now till the long vacation holiday (June).

My concerns are:

1. I am of the opinion for the matter to be fully resolved in a police station with agreement duely signed before she can settle in my house for now...

2. I am also seeing it ad a huge burden on my wife. We already have 2kids and it's a mouthful at the moment.

3. The brother will have to be financially involved


Pls I need suggestions on how to handle this so my inlaws won't see me as not being helpful.

Both my inlaws are retired and comfortable in their own house

1 Your in-laws can not suggest anything to you without 1st asking you directly not via your wife but them sending a family representive to talk you

2 Its not your problem, but a problem
between your in-law and their other son-in-law, those two families should iron things out without involving you, yes you look after the child while thing being sorted but its not your issue to be tied to the father of the child is there he has to sort out the issue

3 Why your in-laws are avoding the child, since you say their are retired and live comfortably ?

4 Let your wife and her family sort out a way forward with their other son-in-law, without you being a option as their people who are meant to step in before, you step in aka the father and his relatives is that most nigerian culture you say kids belong to husband so lets see the relatives of the father step in to help the child

Acidosis:


Work is a valid reason. Men do onshore/offshore jobs, men work as sailors. Men work as military men, etc. You don't expect this category of workers to sit in the house changing diapers. Some of us entered boarding school at 9. We were left in the hands of total strangers. Some parents are not overprotective and some don't have trust issues.

All I hear is excuses, excuses

So if we remove your earning power or job as a man, you'll be useless to your child as the p in psycho? Too bad

And point of correction taking interest in your child's welfare is not having trust issues. Lots of parents towed your path in times past, little wonder we have dysfunctional youths today. The narrative can be changed and it needs to. But men must first take responsibility and man up

cococandy:


@ bold Yes

PS voluntarily taking on a young child is different from being expected to take on a young child. Has anyone asked the woman involved in this what she wants to do? Or are they just having meetings and making decisions that she will be the one to bear without letting her have the final say?

I’m guessing they are like you. Who see it as nothing. Just a small two year old. But if this woman is no more , the family will break up and her own children will join the list of those waiting to shipped around.

Let me see which one of these brainless oafs will come back on this forum to ask what women bring to the family. When the families can’t even withstand their absence.

Your assumptions are baffling to the core,excuse upon excuse is what you're just on about..I'm tired of the back n forth I rest my case with you.

I wish your siblings will see this and know what kind of a pathetic creature they have as a sister and see reasons it'll be better they sell their kids rather than entrust their care to you and expect something positive.