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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed (84462 Views)
Married, But Living As Single / I'm Getting Married But I'm Not Happy / Married But Feels Single. (2) (3) (4)
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Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by gudugudumeje: 4:31pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Only narcissts have this kind of problem. That is you focus too much on ursef. Even if u married ur earlier bf, love would not be enough. If u wl take my advice, then go and humble ursef very well. Wake up every morning &go to greet him specially; if possible kneeling down and embracing him wt a kiss. Then appear in attractive almost naked nighties. Adore him and treat him lk a king in the home everytime and praying together wt him. Cook 4him and serve his food wt respect. Cooperate wt him financially and do appreciate him for small and big things. Show respect and mord nighties appearances...Then working on him lk this patiently and prayerfully, you will win the king in him and you become the queen... |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Lonelyloner: 4:35pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Girlwhocares: I logged in just to tell you the truth. This is what you should do. I was going through a breakup. My feeling were being used against me. Suffice to say, I was being used. But I loved this person. I was confused cause I didn't know how to stopping having feelings for this person in order to end my emotional abuse. So one night, before I went to bed, my guardian angel whispered to me. "Come to me all ye that are laboured and heavy ladden and I will give you rest." I understood what he was telling me. I meant that should tell Jesus to take away my sexual attraction for this girl away. I cried and said that prayer. I work up the next day completely unattracted. I don't know how explain it. But I broke up with her and never went back like I used to. God can make you sexually attracted to your partner. I mean, He blessed your marriage at the altar. He's just waiting for you to ask. And if your husband isn't attracted to you also, pray to God to make him sexually attracted to you. But you must do this with his consent since God will not force anyone. Without faith, non of this will work. So pray for faith first. I wish you good luck. 2 Likes |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by nwizy(m): 4:41pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Now the main big question is, WHAT DO YOU WANT? |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by bukatyne(f): 4:43pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Girlwhocares: @OP: I am happy you acknowledged that you are the major cause of the current state of things. Some things I can pin down: 1. You do not appreciate whatever your husband does for you 2. You cannot share your feelings with him. You guys have no communication 3. He irritates you hence you can't give feedback without flaring up 4. You are not sexually attracted to him 5. You do not care about his feelings and emotions. 6. You feel the counsellors are biased because they did not tell you what you wanted to hear. Thoughts: 1. You have not forgiven your parents for rejecting your ex, your husband for arm twisting you into marriage by going through your parents and yourself for not standing your ground. 2. The problem of emotions is double-edged: you have not gotten over your ex and you 'feel' your husband is not your type or worthy to be your husband. Because you 'feel' your husband is not worthy, you cannot accept his love hence you feel lonely, bored and incomplete. 3. You say you are going through a lot: Your husband is going through much worse. Investing time and emotions into a basket (you) as you currently do not have the capacity to be a wife to him. I would be interested to know your husband's religious inclination or what is propelling him to continually show you love. 4. You are very selfish and immature so you cannot reach out sacrificially reach out to your husband the way he does for you. It is about you, your feelings, your state of mind, your taste etc. Have you ever thought how your husband feels because you withhold sex and intimacy? Have you thought of how lonely he might be because you don't engage him? Even for the separation, you are thinking of karma bla bla. Not once I have seen you think 'how does the man feel'? Blood flows through his veins too. Solution: Part 1 1. Take a one week or two separation. You can drop your child with your mom. If asked why, tell him you want to be a 'better lady for him'. 2. Forget about separation or divorce. That ship has sailed. You should thought of not marrying him instead. Forgive yourself, him and your parents. Irrespective of what your grievances, you have said 'I do'. Pray that God should remove the love/lust you feel for your ex and fill your heart with your husband's love. 3. List all the good qualities of your husband and thank God for them. Also list things you don't like, note what you like in replacement and keep aside. 4. List all the things you need to change about yourself and take note. 5. Create the vision of home you want and discern the attributes both parties need to bring on board. 6. Think of your sex life. What turns you on/off and note on the side. 7. Go back home and prepare for part 2. Part 2. 1. Book an appointment that you want to see your husband. 2. On that day, dress and scent sweet. Put an effort into looking good for him. If he compliments your looks, tell him you dressed as a baby girl for him. 3. Go on your knees and deeply apologize for your neglect and nonchalant attitude since you got married. Ask for his forgiveness as you have not been a wife to him all the while and tell him you want both of you to start afresh. 4. Appreciate him for all the things he has done in line with his character (list as many as you can remember) and make it a constant habit. For example: 'I appreciate your thoughtfulness last week when you covered me when you noticed I was shivering as a result of the AC' is more effective than 'I appreciate your thoughtfulness.' It also reinforces the thoughtful acts. 4. Ask him what he likes you to change/improve/ continue and work with the feedback. If it tallies with your sheet in one, nice. If not update it. 5. Consciously do everything you do for him with love. When cooking, think of how he loves good food and go the extra mile. Ditto other things you do for him. 6. Sex: if he now trusts you even to initiate sex after the long denial, bring your A game to it. Accept him with enthusiasm and let him know he is your man everyday. If he doesn't, subtly do so. Also move back into the master bedroom even if you leave your stuff in your current room. Always sleep together. 7. Constantly fill your mind with good thoughts about your husband. Anticipate and hunger for him. While at work, daydream about him and bring your daydream to life when you get home. Prayers are also key. He might initially rebuff you out of pain or adaptation. Keep at it, one day he will warm up to you. Goodluck. 6 Likes |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by bukatyne(f): 4:45pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Lonelyloner: |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by abutujj: 4:48pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
healthserve:Oga which holy spirit is leading you the way you are sounding you are bitter and I will said is holy devil that is leading you.op is going through some hard time all she requested is advice not all this insult,did you really know what she is going through she has tried to make it work which she is still trying. |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by thalpy(m): 5:09pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
First thing:: does he have hot temper or he is those type of man that will say “”I understand “”just to make peace. Your ex is the problem but you can beat that by letting him know. Dont dilute anything, the more you keep it to yourself the more the feelings for your husband go down. Tell him that your ex is affectting you, whether he is angry or not. But he should be. The reason is this. It will make him piss off and that might reduce his attention towards you. Which will affect you and make you worry and in return give you something to think of rather than your ex . If he doesnt reduce the way he act towards you like doing everything you love even when you get angry for no just cause , you might lose him. Sometimes when a marriage is without anger is seems cold . Try telling me everything dont leave any stone unturned i mean everything. Thats the beginning of you helping your marriage. Break his trust now and make him feel angry and bad . In your attempt to try and make him happy and letting him know that you are sorry the feelings will rise. But mind you his feelings might drop. But will time he will stabilize. And for the sex, who comes to your mind when you are Hot and were you circumcised (because only that will make you abstain for 3 years) and for him does he masturbate or have sex outside? So who ever that comes to your mind still tell him that. Like everything should be communicated. I bet you it will help. Say it exactly the way you feel dont sugar coat it say it. You might be scared but it will help. And if he doesn’t react angrily or disappointed just know what you are feeling is same with him. Like you both arent compatible and he will be happy with divorce. Then spell it to him only if he just said fine its ok without feeling bad. In summary tell him you dont have feelings for him Tell him your ex is in your mind Tell him who comes to your mind when it comes to sex Tell him everything With these if it will lead to divorce it will happen fast And if it will lead to happy marriage after it will shake and pick up later. But the earlier you let everything out from your heart the better. From experience... you are not wicked , no spirit husband its just that you havent let it go out from your heart. 1 Like |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Legendguru: 5:35pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Then subscribe to a data plan and stay connected or dump your simcard |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Myer(m): 5:38pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Girlwhocares: Love is relative though. I believe you should start from understanding what love is. Love is independent of the personality of the person. You simply love because you're created to love. I mean in effect that you're supposed to love every one as love is unconditional. However, lust is probably what you're missing. And it's actually temporal. Lust is more or less the butterflies and honey moon phase which often fades off after a while. What is most important is to find someone who loves you. Which I suspect you already have. You simply need to learn to love him back. Interestingly the reverse is the case for many ladies in marriage. You're lucky and you might yet not appreciate it. Christ teaches us to love. Perhaps you should turn to God more for help in this season and phase of your life. |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Sensiblerealist: 5:59pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Bro , nothing anyone says would pull any weight in trying to make it work. It has to come from deepest part of her subconscious. She resents the guy cuz she was "forced" to get married. She's forever attached to her boyfriend of 15 years and would do anything to get back with him even after all these years. Seen stuff like this before. It's a difficult place to be in healthserve: 1 Like |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Obynolee(f): 6:03pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
bobowaja: Exactly 1 Like |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by crackkhaus: 6:16pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
bukatyne:Have I argued they aren't before? |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Pamty(m): 7:23pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
I can connect you to a therapist. Girlwhocares: |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Misscongenialit: 8:17pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Lady, i dont know how you did it, but to deliberately subject a man to such emotional torture and deprivation of sex shows you are innately wicked, selfish and honestly you deserve to be married to a man that will treat you worse than you have treated this man. 3 years of him trying so hard to please you and you sit back and watch him suffer. If he forced you to marry or he turned out to be a mistake why not let him go already. You come here to seek justification for your actions when u werre fully aware that u were gradually sending an innocent man to his grave, his crime LOving you. You dont deserve to be loved but to be treated the way you have treated him. If you want to leave please leave. If you want to stay better go on your knees and beg that man for forgiveness else , even his guardian angels will hunt u. 1 Like |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by pannyman(m): 8:51pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Girlwhocares: You hate him so much. Just leave the marriage. |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Chiomaegwuoba02(f): 10:11pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
I think u shld go for counseling, also, u guys shld try n stay in the same room too, don't just walk out on ur marriage dear, give it another try n pray concerning the issue. |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Krisddon: 10:20pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Girlwhocares:Sorry but you apparently don't love your husband and there don't seem to be anything you can do to help the situation. The ex you're still into has moved on and may have even married. Going back to him may not work as it will harm you and also hurt your family. Your husband is seemingly good and you may not get someone like him if you walk out the door. You shouldn't have married whom you didn't wholeheartedly love but you gotta stay put! Work things out, I trust you can if you make up your mind. Good luck! |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by ayoolakj(m): 10:51pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
You need to pray for deliverance from the spirit of hatred. quote author=Girlwhocares post=86853372]Please help me, I'm loosing my sanity everyday! I'm scared to open up to friends and families because of what they will think or how disappointed or bad I will make them feel, also I'm afraid people will be judgemental about my actions. I'm not physically and emotional connected with my husband which is affecting our marriage and my well-being, we live as co-tenant, we hardly have any conversation, we do things differently, we share different rooms, no sex for the past 3 years! Even during courtship and the fist two years of marriage I can account for days we were intimate. Things are fallen out of place everyday, we have a child together who will be 4yrs and the thought of having another child has not crossed my mind. I get irritated at everything, I hardly show appreciation towards him even if it means he has done his best, which later i will find myself guilty and try to make up but the spark and connection isn't just there. Most times, I have a non-challant attitude towards him and everything he does to make me happy. I feel lonely, bored and incomplete even when I'm 90% sure my husband loves me and always ready to make me happy. I feel awkward communicating my feelings and thoughts to him because I know I might flare up with anger even when he hasn't done or said anything to warrant it. Please I have come to this faceless forum to pour out my mind, my heart is heavy, I need someone to talk to, I'm afraid my personal intention of walking out this marriage even when my husband hasn't done anything to deserve this might backfire and has its negative effect on our child. I honestly don't need anyone to insult me please as I'm going through a lot. All i need is mature married wo(men) opinions Thank you for your time. [/quote] |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by SmartPolician: 11:08pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Girlwhocares: One word: Wickedness 1 Like |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Brightgem(f): 11:20pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Prec1ous:The OP has answered this multiple times, you probably need to go back and read again. For some of us, life isn't centered around such. Widen your mind, men need to stop thinking this way or else many will never experience what it means to be truly loved. Money can never be everything. |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by thelish(f): 11:57pm On Feb 23, 2020 |
Girlwhocares: I love ur maturity. |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by katyamizotta: 12:28am On Feb 24, 2020 |
Girlwhocares: I feel for you. I wrote a similar message 2 or 3 years ago and till date I have not found a solution. I moved to another country and my spouse is still in Nigeria. I feel at peace alone with my child. Do not mind people saying that you hate your husband. They do not understand. I was also told love would come in time. It never did. My spouse is also not a bad person although unlike you he didnt try to speak my love language He feels happiness is about spending money and unfortunately i am not materialistic (I just cannot cannot equate money to love/happiness) and was born into an affluent home. I dont think you should remain in a marriage because of a child. If you want to stay look for a reason for YOU. Because one day that child will leave and you will be back to square one. I definitely understand the barrier in communication because I cannot tell my husband my deepest thoughts. We only talk about stuff we could share with friends. I pray for you to find direction. Take some time and pray. And whatever happens do not remain in the marriage because of a child Also the message from Lonelyloner seems legit. Try it. I will try it too. 4 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by katyamizotta: 1:09am On Feb 24, 2020 |
Lonelyloner: Ok, this might be my breakthough. Will try. Thanks 1 Like |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by Obodo999(m): 1:39am On Feb 24, 2020 |
UjuJoan2: You deserve a national award for writing this. I could not have put it better. 1 Like |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by pieces18: 1:39am On Feb 24, 2020 |
Girlwhocares:Be careful with people on social media, they may mislead and make the whole thing worse. But there's somebody who I am certainly sure can fix this for you. That is JESUS. Genuinely surrender this to him, take out time to personally study your bible, pray and fast. Your outcry should be LORD HELP ME, FOR I CANT HANDLE THIS BY MYSELF. And I guarantee you that you will testify. God bless you. |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by ityP(m): 2:16am On Feb 24, 2020 |
lynx200: Divorce instead. The marriage don end since, she should stop delaying official annulment |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by ityP(m): 2:19am On Feb 24, 2020 |
Omar09: You were the one blaming her husband, even she didn't do that. Follow the advice so you don't go blaming your husband when the marriage don tire you |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by ityP(m): 2:21am On Feb 24, 2020 |
EagleNest: This marriage is dead and gone to the grave. Nothing can revive it. Plus, sometimes, ladies pretend like they're really into you. The husband may never have known that she didn't wanna marry him |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by ityP(m): 2:27am On Feb 24, 2020 |
GodLovingMe2020: Same thing I said some minutes ago. These women eh. Op too must have led the guy to believe she loved him so much, only for her to now feel love been no dey before. May God never bring such women into my life. Even if they come, may my spiritual eyes sef through their deceit so I can prevent this shamble of a marriage with such a lady 1 Like |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by ityP(m): 2:30am On Feb 24, 2020 |
efficiencie: It's actually better she left. It's this one that's still staying put that is more annoying. If you don't want to work things out, end it |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by ityP(m): 2:30am On Feb 24, 2020 |
row2ray: Love na scam 1 Like |
Re: Married But I'm Not Connected With My Husband, Hence I'm Depressed by ityP(m): 2:34am On Feb 24, 2020 |
Zinny25: If marriage na about love, divorce for no plenty d way e plenty now. You see, spark of love dey quench. If you aren't committed and if you don't take vows seriously, even if Una love pass Romeo and Juliet own, it will still end in tears. |
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