queenitee:

My mother. My younger cousin living with us, since he was 13, he's 17 and my mother still be complain we are sending him on too much errand and all(somebody that washing plates and feeding the dogs are his only job.)
It's not like his mother is a wicked person. She's transferring her guilt on to the girl. Maybe she had always been the wrong party whenever herself and the girl's mother fought and seeing the girl makes her guilty and she has to act that way so as not to dwell on her guilt.
Or the girl's mother is the wrong one here and he's simply transferring the hatred on to the girl.
In this first case, she can make amends, see the girl's mother and correct her ways, it will ease her guilt. And/or anytime she sees the girl and she feels guilty, she can simply chose to see treating the girl right as a way of correcting her wrongs instead of dwelling on her guilt.

And if it's the girls mother who's wrong here, she should understand that the girl is a different person from her mother(that's why kids don't turn out like their parents in all ways and why kids of the same parents are different from one another.) And also accept the fact that the girl's mother might not or would not come to apologize which is fine because she do not want to carry that burden of hatred forever in her heart, it's too much burden to carry honestly.

And if it's the fact that her husband didn't discuss the adoption with her, then her anger should be directed at her husband and not the girl. The girl can't possibly discuss the adoption with her, only her husband can.

So whatever the case might be, she needs to accept the fact that the girl has no fault whatsoever

I like this, I really do.

No need talking to ur mum, just pray for them both n keep showing both of them love

Floryangel8:
It's so pathetic, most people find it difficult to treat others the way they want to be treated . My opinion sit your mom down and narrate to her what if she dies today and your younger brother has to go and live with people, how does she think her son will cope. What goes around comes around.

.

Dganji you're a good person for speaking up for the girl. God will reward you.

Two words, "boarding school" (after covid sha).

Dganji:
More than ever am not happy with my mom.

I have this younger sister who was adopted by my dad from his younger sister (her father is late), she's just 10 years of age and I really don't like my mom's attitude towards that little girl. In the past when i was much younger, my mom had many quarrels with the mother of my adopted sister which I really can't give accurate count on who's right or wrong, but for the record my aunty (younger sis mom) is very troublesome no doubt.

She started living with us June last year and I noticed she's always very happy when me or my dad comes home. I was thinking it was because we were very nice to her, not knowing the kind of pressure she was going through at home.

Several occasions I have seen my mom saying too many harsh words to that little girl which I am not comfortable with but I've had to keep my calm. I feel reacting would make my mom hate her more as she might feel the little girl has turned her children against her.

The saddest part of it is that our last born who's 15 years is taking the same part with my mom in frustrating that little girl. Today Ilost my cool and reacted and truth is I'm not willing to continue keeping calm again.

My immediate younger brother (we are 3 boys and no girl) decided to start taking this my little sister out for jugging cos she's too fat. She always returns home crying cos of the pressure they put on her to jug. My mom on hearing her cry today came out and started beating her and saying hatefull words to her, including insulting her mom, calling her mom names which honestly would get any child angry if they are told same about their parent.

Out of annoyance I got up and shouted at my mom to leave her alone that it's becoming too bad for her as a mother to treath children like that. Instantly my mom kept calm and guilt was written all over her face. I'm honestly not happy about disrespecting my mom but I'm no longer keeping my calm.

There was a time when my dad had to take similar action against my mom and it didnt go well for anybody, the little girl suffered more hate from my mom and my dad wasnt really happy with my mom that period.

Returning that little girl back to her mom is never an option as the environment where her mom is very negative and would no doubt worsen her situation.

Talking to my mom calmy about it has been done by me and my immediate younger brother but problem still persists.

My worries are.
1, the little girl
2, my youngest brother who is taking after my mom
3 me disrespecting my mom.

Nairalanders your advice would be appreciated on this situation. I already have what to do in mind already but I will love to hear from those who have experienced similar situation and how best to handle it.

OchoL:
I'm sure that girl's weight is as a direct result of your mother's incessant bullying which has led her into comfort eating. Sorry to say, but your mother is a nasty piece of trash. She is not a true mother and God will surely deal with her for her unjust treatment of another woman's child.

Can you take a second to go over what you wrote again? Would you like the same to be said about your mother? Just advice the young man and stop insulting his mother. People like you think they can judge other people, whereas your own character is far worse. Imagine! You're insulting someone's mother on a public forum. You're worse than the mother. You obviously lack home training

cococandy:
rude. Sexist. Disrespectful. But I’ll ignore this part



Nothing wrong with bringing a human being into the family. However it’s a big responsibility and the person/s who will take on that responsibility has to agree before you go ahead to do it


sigh

with all your non-emotional reasoning and logical mind, you can’t figure this one out? Can’t figure out how a new child might disrupt an established daily routine, house flow, changes in finances etc. You probably “logically” think that people who have kids just wake up and go about their business. Nothing needs to be done to make sure the kids are okay throughout the day. Got it.


Maybe time? money? Stress of raising another child? A child quickly approaching puberty and needs a fully committed mom figure now more than ever ? But what do I know? Shows that you folks have no understanding of what raising a child entails. That’s why you under value the work women do in child rearing.



You’re the one not thinking. Rather being emotional. But I guess since you’re a man you must be logical . what’s bad is bad and the OP mom has no right to be mean to the kid. Is OP’s problem now solved because I said it? Or does he need actual solution? You be logical and tell us.

Women ! ALOL !! i wil respond to ur questions in paragraph, that family remains the case study.
TBH it jus the bitter truth, n it hurts we men to see our women like that ... emotion over other component.
Talking of responsibilities, i believe the integral fraction of responsibilities is financing .. a man can't bring a child into the family n ask the woman to bear the financial burden over that child. in these case OP dad is the breadwinner.
LOL ! @ daily routine what could that possible be,we aint talking one room apartment here, e pass morning prayer, washing/cleaning, cooking, everyone going to there respective post & sleep ..how does a 10yr old living in fear disrupt all that. a 10yrs can bath, brush her teeth & dress up .. other tins she can't do for hersef older kids are there to help out ... so !!
A woman with kids @ puberty should av no problem raising another @that stage ... madam use ur own children that won"t be a stress as example for the other child, she is watching.
Do u know d major step for solution or correction, is accepting there is a problem or acknowledging something is bad without that progress cannot be made ... i will just advice Op to keep up d check & balances what a mother fear the most is losing there children support ... it reset there brain faster than a hubby wuld our dear women

Edusouls:
Look at what you are thinking, you have a very dirty mind, So this is the only direction your mind is going, not even giving an advice?

Abeg times are evil for the girl child biko. I know who such scenerios play out. Nothing but reality

I experience same thing Sha..
Mine my step mom was the bread winner of the house , she always does things that will make my dad to beat me mercilessly, any little mistake I made she would shout and make sure my dad hear and come and do the usual..
Sometimes I do sleep outside when I try to run from the beating ( no be small beating oh that one he they carry anything when he see)
Later she would na be doing hypocritical beging whereas she coused everything.

There was a time I even hated my dad and my step mom because I believed they love my step bro than me .


The only thing that I appreciate her for was the schooling, she put me through



But I didn't stay in the house forever I had to live the house, because of how I was treated, to stay with my mom's sis

She had only one child for my dad that died few years ago when I heard about his death I cried �


Mehn is good to do good to other's oh because you don't know who will be of help to you

Op, you did the right thing cautioning your mother. It's the silence all these time that has made it come to this level.

Sometimes we all need to be checked. This doesn't mean your mom is a bad person, this is a temptation we are liable to fall into if we do not make conscious decision to rise above it.

Believe me it's not a woman thing, stop deluding yourselves. How many men care about the next meal of his needy neighbours? It plays out more with women because they are the ones who have to deal directly with the situation.

You still need a follow up. This time calmly, discuss with your mother. Appreciate the fact that she is taking care of all of you and the girl. Let her know how you feel when she is treating that girl badly, ask her to try to put herself or any of you in the shoes of the girl. Remind her that no condition is permanent and karma is a respecter of no one. It comes biting back where it will hurt most and it never forgets. So beg her to try harder and have her embrace this child. She is only 10. No child should be away from the love and protection of her parents and where unfortunate, they need that extra attention to be reassured they are worthy. God help you.

And please caution your sibling too. He is too young to be having these anger issues, carrying it out on an helpless child.

Tell your mom your dad isn't happy too and it won't be nice for the family to be divided over this. Yeah, everyone likes to have a picture perfect family; me, my husband and kids but that's not her reality. There's no perfect situation. We just make the best out of life. If she can't do it because of anyone, wouldn't she do it for God? She has become a guardian, a shepherd chosen by God. It's no accident. I hope she heeds and I pray the girl turns out well. Well done again, OP. You did great!

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

"The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything."

BSomebody:
Why will you use the word “it’s normal” what is normal about being hateful towards a child? This is our problem, when things that needs to be greatly frown upon is now perceived normal because many of us have embraced it, especially Nigerians. You are not a good person until that love you shower on your own children is extended to others. That is why, you can only know the heart of someone judging by the way they threat people they don’t need.

Some of our parents are wicked, we might be bias, but is the truth.

OP, stand your ground. Whenever opportunity you have, rebuke her politely and talk to your father about it.

Absolutely abnormal thing. Wicked people are people who do wicked things unfortunately, these are our family members, relatives, friends, colleagues. Sometimes the same people do wonderful things and are considered good but what is important is to be able to check our excesses.

Op has finally spoken up and needs to have a follow up conversation with his mom. Like someone mentioned here, maybe mom didn't want the responsibility but like Jonah in the bible, when we are chosen, we must heed. This child is even her husband's niece. Dad should have done more to address the situation too.

No one likes to be seen as a bad person. If they keep pointing it to her, she will adjust and hopefully learn to accommodate and enjoy the presence of the child. We have seen adopted children become very successful in life, even becoming star child of the family. It depends how we treat them. What we sow is what we reap.

BuddhaPalm:
Women bashing aside.

They generally lack compassion for the weak and the defenceless.

I don't know why.

Wow! Sounds like what men have been doing to women since the time of Adam.

Guy, it's the basic truth. Survival of the fittest! Human beings like animals tend to prey on the weakness of others. Every animal in the jungle on the look out for the weak. Believe me it's not gender specific. It's a general problem that denial will not take away.

What can a woman do that is not allowed by their menfolk? We hear all sorts like women maltreated house girl. What is the husband doing? It's either he is also doing it or complicit. Neither absolves him. It's sad and I wish we can do better as human beings.

pocohantas:


You are wasting your time on those ones. The logical part of their brains would only function if the table turns.

Sometime ago, a woman on this same NL complained of how her husband hates her son-his stepson, despite agreeing to have the boy come live with them initially. All our NL warlords agreed with the man. Implored the woman to take the child elsewhere or BEG the husband. Every woman that agreed with them was a wife material. I remember someone asked them, would you guys say same if tables turn? Will you not remind us how women are wicked to step-kids.

Show me a Nigerian man that would watch his wife bring in a child without his consent- then play daddy duties and you have successfully shown me the 9th wonder of the world. The 8th wonder should be the woman who birthed him.

Common sense shuld av told you stepson/stepdaughter is quiet different from the subject matter here,
Even as a child if ur mum or dad bring home a stepbro/sis the reaction & reception will be different compared to them adopting a relative, niece or sibling. must you change d narrative to suite ur personality when yu can jus shut d fvckup

PeacenLove2:


What can a woman do that is not allowed by their menfolk? We hear all sorts like women maltreated house girl. What is the husband doing? It's either he is also doing it or complicit. Neither absolves him. It's sad and I wish we can do better as human being

Are you seriously trying to blame men for the misdeeds of women (who are adults themselves and can differentiate between right and wrong)? Are you basically implying that men should monitor women like they do children?

Arsenate:

Are you seriously trying to blame men for the misdeeds of women (who are adults themselves and can differentiate between right and wrong)? Are you basically implying that men should monitor women like they do children?

Hey man, stop being obtuse. You're smarter than this.

I ignored you the first time, it wasn’t a mistake. Stop trying so hard to get my attention.

Slimsly100:


It happens bro. Though they're few but they exist. I have 3 boys who are not my children under my roof. Bit people hardly know. They're aged 20,(help at the shop), 12(hubby's nephew), 11(my nephew). They're well taken care of to the best of our abilities. So what are you saying

My mother inlaw has 3 with her too (a girl and 2boys but you'll never know she's not related to them. They call her mother, people think they're her biological grandchildren.

I believe you but it's rare.

ChoCho54:
My brother, I have read so many here who like you think no woman would treat another child like her own. Well, you are looking at one. My mum is like that too .

Sadly my husband is the problem here with how he treats the people who pass through us. This attitude from him I found very disgusting. His parents were worse. His siblings are like that too

Wow She must be a rare gem I pray for a wife like her. I love children, irrespective of their tribes or religion, and I plan to have a foundation to help out of school children and even motherless babies home . I want a woman who will support my dreams and won't see my dreams as wasting of money on " those I don't even know".

You are right in your actions though your mum might feel you disrespected her cos of the child and that might make her hatred towards that girl increase. Your mum hates the child's mother and that hatred has been transferred to the little girl, I wonder what will change your mum's attitude towards the girl but you guys who are her children might live to suffer the repercussions of your mother's actions towards that innocent child.

OchoL:


don't mind me... I actually fell on my head as a baby in a pile of shit while my mum was fvcking in the bushes with my dad's palm wine supplier

Nah... Its fine... I understand... Shit happens..

Sterope:
How is it going to be worst? The op mentioned the environment, he didn't say her mother wad going to aybise her.

So your suggestion is to move already adopted child back to her mum ?

Not minding op saying it's worst

BuddhaPalm:
Women bashing aside.
They generally lack compassion for the weak and the defenceless.
I don't know why.

And yet he still bashed them, SMH
Kindness, compassion and goodness are not gender dependent. Or are you saying they are?
Let’s “hear” it.

I am a Woman! I am so proud of your God given wisdom. God bless you and everything that concerns you abundantly for your godly advice. I will continue to pray for you. Op, God bless you richly for standing up for the truth, regardless of the woman involved being your mum. This is hard for the majority but its the right thing to do.. May God shower you with more boldness, sincerity of heart and above all wisdom.

PeacenLove2:
Op, you did the right thing cautioning your mother. It's the silence all these time that has made it come to this level.

Sometimes we all need to be checked. This doesn't mean your mom is a bad person, this is a temptation we are liable to fall into if we do not make conscious decision to rise above it.

Believe me it's not a woman thing, stop deluding yourselves. How many men care about the next meal of his needy neighbours? It plays out more with women because they are the ones who have to deal directly with the situation.

You still need a follow up. This time calmly, discuss with your mother. Appreciate the fact that she is taking care of all of you and the girl. Let her know how you feel when she is treating that girl badly, ask her to try to put herself or any of you in the shoes of the girl. Remind her that no condition is permanent and karma is a respecter of no one. It comes biting back where it will hurt most and it never forgets. So beg her to try harder and have her embrace this child. She is only 10. No child should be away from the love and protection of her parents and where unfortunate, they need that extra attention to be reassured they are worthy. God help you.

And please caution your sibling too. He is too young to be having these anger issues, carrying it out on an helpless child.

Tell your mom your dad isn't happy too and it won't be nice for the family to be divided over this. Yeah, everyone likes to have a picture perfect family; me, my husband and kids but that's not her reality. There's no perfect situation. We just make the best out of life. If she can't do it because of anyone, wouldn't she do it for God? She has become a guardian, a shepherd chosen by God. It's no accident. I hope she heeds and I pray the girl turns out well. Well done again, OP. You did great!

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

"The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything."

merahki:



And yet he still bashed them, SMH
Kindness, compassion and goodness are not gender dependent. Or are you saying they are?
Let’s “hear” it.

"Reflex women bashing aside..."

In all my years, I've never seen or heard of men being vicious and heavy-handed towards maids and house-helps.

Perhaps it does happen.

But I've just never heard of it.

There's just something about having non-filial dependents that brings out womens' basest instincts.

Now, this is not an argument for the non-existence of male cruelty.

In Nigeria, most looters, kidnappers, armed robbers and SARS operatives are men.

But in this regard, women take the cake.

Dum4christ:
I am a Woman! I am so proud of your God given wisdom. God bless you and everything that concerns you abundantly for your godly advice. I will continue to pray for you. Op, God bless you richly for standing up for the truth, regardless of the woman involved being your mum. This is hard for the majority but its the right thing to do.. May God shower you with more boldness, sincerity of heart and above all wisdom.

Amen! Thank you and God bless you too.

PeacenLove2:


Wow! Sounds like what men have been doing to women since the time of Adam.

Guy, it's the basic truth. Survival of the fittest! Human beings like animals tend to prey on the weakness of others. Every animal in the jungle on the look out for the weak. Believe me it's not gender specific. It's a general problem that denial will not take away.

What can a woman do that is not allowed by their menfolk? We hear all sorts like women maltreated house girl. What is the husband doing? It's either he is also doing it or complicit. Neither absolves him. It's sad and I wish we can do better as human beings.

Many husbands don't firmly speak up, because they fear their wives will make their home "ungovernable".

Last December, a Nairander had this exact problem: https://www.nairaland.com/5591406/wicked-wife-didnt-buy-christmas

And his wife accused him of sleeping with their 15 year old house help, and stopped sleeping their room.

If you check the OP's profile, you'll see his other two post updates.

The OP did not say it is worst. Read again.

What will he do if the mother refuses to stop? Would you rather the child continue to be maltreated because she was adopted? Please, don't stress me

majamajic:


So your suggestion is to move already adopted child back to her mum ?

Nothing minding op saying it's worst

Sterope:
The OP did not say it is worst. Read again.

What will he do if the mother refuses to stop? Would you rather the child continue to be maltreated because she was adopted? Please, don't stress me

U are the one stressing yourself , u don't wan believe u women can't treat another woman's children like your own , never

I have not seen that , if she do , just know the husband is a very mean person and he is watching over her and the girl

Dganji:
honestly. She's transfering her hate for the little girls mother on the little girl which is not right.

On returning the little girl back: bros that would be greater guilt on us.
I don't know which is better though.
Returning her back means no quality education for her, exposing her into illegalities, high tendencies of getting into prostitution. Judging from the environment, it would take a miracle for her to make it out of that environment positively in life. Now watching her going back to that poor environment knowing we could do something would be our greatest guilt.
Although ill take your option and weigh on it still.
Thanks for the advice..

Now I'm soooooo proud of you young man. That's the mark of a man, to stand up against all odds and differ, to say nay when others are saying yay.
I feel for the girl, some of us find ourselves in unfortunate situations in life. You can help your cousin make it in life. She'll never forget.

You won't always be around in that house so you would do all within your capabilities to ensure your mum treats the girl as her own. Keep talking to your mum. Then as a big brother, put the girl right too about acceptable norms of the society, judging from where she's coming from, she might not know any better.
God bless your good heart and please, except it's a last resort, don't send her back.

OchoL:
geosegun
INDUSTRIALFAN
Freeeanijor
Humanoid01
OriOko88
.. and any other idiot quoting me.
I SAID WHAT I SAID!
Not only is OP's mother a piece of trash, she's also a dirty pig and a witch for treating a child that way - same thing applies to your mothers too!

I'm in my house, come and beat me

u know i did see your first comment but choose to ignore you at first but at this junction ill only hope you get a taste of what your offering maybe you'll understand better how i and others who quoted you felt when we saw that comment.

1. Everyone can be an abuser. People abuse those who are weaker. Abusive behaviour is not a gender issue. Calling it a 'different treatment' is minimising the harm they cause. That was why I quoted you

Can you please read before quoting me?

majamajic:



U are the one stressing yourself , u don't wan believe u women can't treat another woman's children like your own , never

I have not seen that , if she do , just know the husband is a very mean person and he is watching over her and the girl

Sterope:
1. Everyone can be an abuser. People abuse those who are weaker. Abusive behaviour is not a gender issue. Calling it a 'different treatment' is minimising the harm they cause. That was why I quoted you

Can you please read before quoting me?

Nothing to read madam , u women need change una behavior towards people's children