Matured mind in the house please advise.

His father is alive in a different state. We couldn't get married because his mother didn't want inter tribal marriage.( That's a long story anyway.) I have moved on and everything is fine.
Now, my worries are:
When is the right time to enlighten my son on reasons why his father is not present in his life?
I don't want him to learn how to hate anyone not even his father. I don't want anything that will affect his education, behavior, nor hurt his feelings. I want him to grow up a healthy child with lots of love.

He's very smart, lively and sharp and i don't want anything to change that.
He's 7, but very wise

This is the 4th years we've not seen him (his father) physically. Lately I observed he no longer border me to talk to his father on phone, initially he was.
Even when i ask if he wants to call him, he always said ''no I don't want to talk to him''


He already knows his father is a lier because he has promised hm several times on phone that he will come, but he never did.


When is the right age and time to start telling a child about the absence of his father in his life that will not affect him nagatively?
Do you think I should still keep encouraging him to keep on talking to his father on phone? I'm thinking of getting him a phone to ease communication between his father or myself when I'm not around.
Do you think it's the right thing to do?

If I'm to do this in my own way, I will completely put his father out of his life, stop every form of contact till he's of age to make his own decisions? Because right now, is like we are the only one trying to reach him. He doesn't care about his son.
I'magain this period of lockdown, he doesn't care either his son is fine, either if there's food or anything. He has never supported me. Only promises.

What's the right way to go about this?
My son's happiness is all that matters to me.

Tell him now or let him clock 10. 7-10 is when they ask about 300 questions per day. Children are more analytical and please try to break it down for him, the whole story. You'd be surprised he would understand. Seems he has an old soul.



I have spoken.

Always remind him how his father loves him trust me it will work fine no need telling him why he is absent.

Feed him lovely thoughts of how his father wants to be with him never make him feel his absent father at all.

Tell him lovely story about his father how strong the father is how smart and all that let him have a great man mental picture so he will know this is what his father look like and the works his father has achieved.

You have set a great milestone for him. Trust me he is seriously yearning for his father's love but since he doesnt wanna seem like disturbing you so you wont feel like he doesnt appreciate your love he kept mute.

Just know he miss his father so feed him good tales of what you want him to be like. Feed him thoughts of greatness so one day he can be great.

Let him know his father is still providing for his upkeep and paying school fees even though you are the one doing it eventually his father will come around one day with such believe.

You don't have to believe it but he will and he is all that matter to you right? He still got a young mind 7 years damn if na me I go tell am say him papa na very wealthy man show him pictures of big big things and tell him he has to work hard and study hard so his father will be proud of him

Give him a big goal to work towards trust me all boys look forward pleasing their dad one way or the other.

Look at the rock his father was a wrestler and Rock followed his footsteps and became even better in it before moving to acting. Common that says a lot.

If you love your boy you wont let him feel his father is not there.

Goodluck because you need it... You can call/whatsapp me for a private therapy session because you wont be able to handle this situation yourself and will need good advice from time to time

I know how this works

.

milliman:
Always remind him how his father loves him trust me it will work fine no need telling him why he is absent.

Feed him lovely thoughts of how his father wants to be with him never make him feel his absent father at all.

Tell him lovely story about his father how strong the father is how smart and all that let him have a great man mental picture so he will know this is what his father look like and the works his father has achieved.

You have set a great milestone for him. Trust me he is seriously yearning for his father's love but since he doesnt wanna seem like disturbing you so you wont feel like he doesnt appreciate your love he kept mute.

Just know he miss his father so feed him good tales of what you want him to be like. Feed him thoughts of greatness so one day he can be great.

Let him know his father is still providing for his upkeep and paying school fees even though you are the one doing it eventually his father will come around one day with such believe.

You don't have to believe it but he will and he is all that matter to you right? He still got a young mind 7 years damn if na me I go tell am say him papa na very wealthy man show him pictures of big big things and tell him he has to work hard and study hard so his father will be proud of him

Give him a big goal to work towards trust me all boys look forward pleasing their dad one way or the other.

Look at the rock his father was a wrestler and Rock followed his footsteps and became even better in it before moving to acting. Common that says a lot.

If you love your boy you wont let him feel his father is not there.

Goodluck because you need it... You can call/whatsapp me for a private therapy session because you wont be able to handle this situation yourself and will need good advice from time to time

I know how this works

Wrong. If that kid knows his daddy is lying now he will know his mommy is lying too. She may end up doing herself more harm than good.

GreenRose22:


Wrong. If that kid knows his daddy is lying now he will know his mommy is lying too. She may end up doing herself more harm than good.

The decision is hers to make

milliman:


The decision is hers to make

True

Good morning.

bigt2:
Tell him now or let him clock 10. 7-10 is when they ask about 300 questions per day. Children are more analytical and please try to break it down for him, the whole story. You'd be surprised he would understand. Seems he has an old soul.



I have spoken.

You're right. So many questions already.

GreenRose22:


Wrong. If that kid knows his daddy is lying now he will know his mommy is lying too. She may end up doing herself more harm than good.

I don't lie to him. I just don't discuss anything about his father with him. If I want to do now, I will be telling him the truth. I'm only trying to be sure it doesn't harm him. It was his father who proved to him that he's a liar through his promises on phone which he never fulfilled.

@milliman. I got all your point. But the part you suggest I tell him his father provides for us, I don't really understand. Don't you think it might hurt him later?

Wow! Well done maami...may God continue to help you nurture your son.

Chai...I honestly wouldn't know what to do too. It is well.

easyconnect:
I don't lie to him. I just don't discuss anything about his father with him. If I want to do now, I will be telling him the truth. I'm only trying to be sure it doesn't harm him. It was his father who proved to him that he's a liar through his promises on phone which he never fulfilled.

@emboldened
And the kid knows it. Either you tell him the whole truth or you say nothing at all. Don't go lying to him, ever. The brain starts recording events around us form the day we are born. Some people can tell you stories that happened while they were aged 5. Your kid is 7

easyconnect:
@milliman. I got all your point. But the part you suggest I tell him his father provides for us, I don't really understand. Don't you think it might hurt him later?

Only a man will tell you to cover up for that child's father.

I repeat, DON'T MAKE THAT KID TAG YOU A LAIR FORM A YOUNG AGE. YOU MAY REGRET IT WHILE HE'S GROWING AND MAY HAVE TO WAIT TILL HE'S AN ADULT TO FIGURE THAT YOU LIED FOR GOOD REASONS



Fact!!

GreenRose22:


Only a man will tell you to cover up for that child's father.

I repeat, DON'T MAKE THAT KID TAG YOU A LAIR FORM A YOUNG AGE. YOU MAY REGRET IT WHILE HE'S GROWING AND MAY HAVE TO WAIT TILL HE'S AN ADULT TO FIGURE THAT YOU LIED FOR GOOD REASONS



Fact!!

Noted

I think you need to be positive as much as you can, you have to accept what happened between you and the father in faith, we know it is not easy to let go easily but you have to allow it for your sanity and your kid. I said the aforementioned because directly or indirectly, some of your actions and reactions will be generated due to how things went between you and the man. Be open as much as possible to the kid n respond to his questions in brief for now. He will be rephrasing the questions as his understanding grows, just be supplying him according to his understanding. You will know when to add everything up n explain in details through his questions. Do not worry yourself much.

When your son asks you about his father tell him the TRUTH but don't bombard him with unnecessary and negative information.

Try to be there as much as possible for him, DON'T LIE to him. Since he's already avoiding communication with his dad that means he already knows how his father feels about him. It's up to you to make him feel loved and wanted.

easyconnect:
@milliman. I got all your point. But the part you suggest I tell him his father provides for us, I don't really understand. Don't you think it might hurt him later?

He will understand you did what you needed to do. Dont kick his dad out of his life.

I just want you to paint a positive picture of this dad for him so eventually his spirit might bring them both together and when he starts telling his dad all the wonderful things you told him your husband will be impressed.

Let him know he was made out of love. Love is the key

milliman:


He will understand you did what you needed to do. Dont kick his dad out of his life.

I just want you to paint a positive picture of this dad for him so eventually his spirit might bring them both together and when he starts telling his dad all the wonderful things you told him your husband will be impressed.

Let him know he was made out of love. Love is the key

He's not my husband. Anyway. Thanks

Mstick:
When your son asks you about his father tell him the TRUTH but don't bombard him with unnecessary and negative information.

Try to be there as much as possible for him, DON'T LIE to him. Since he's already avoiding communication with his dad that means he already knows how his father feels about him. It's up to you to make him feel loved and wanted.

Thank you. I'm already giving my all to show I love him and that he's not missing anything.

Don't ever tell any lie to cover his father, it will come back to hurt you. Also if care is not taken, he may grow up believing he can repeat his father ways and nothing will spoil. The person telling you to do all that nice cover for his dad is a potential irresponsible soul like his father, trust me, I know so because anyone who has walked through your child's shoe or who is sane will never recommend that.

Stop bothering yourself, things will fall into place if you look up to God and do your best. Don't force him calling his dad if he is not interested. You can get him a small phone to reach you when not around though.

As for those issues you want to discuss, don't force them. He is growing, seeing and learning things, when he gets to the ones he doesn't understand or need answers to, he will ask you by himself. You can then open up fully when he is 12-13years.

What you should be bothered now with is where and how to get a father figure for him because he needs that void to be filled. It could be your brother, relative, neighbor, friend but you must be very sure of the person's character and lifestyle as it will reflect on him. Also you should be careful of sexual molesters. If you can't get a trusted male immediately, you can start with a role model from TV or something. Remember the father's figure lifestyle above any selfish desire you may have.

GHoJes:
Don't ever tell any lie to cover his father, it will come back to hurt you. Also if care is not taken, he may grow up believing he can repeat his father ways and nothing will spoil. The person telling you to do all that nice cover for his dad is a potential irresponsible soul like his father, trust me, I know so because anyone who has walked through your child's shoe or who is sane will never recommend that.

Stop bothering yourself, things will fall into place if you look up to God and do your best. Don't force him calling his dad if he is not interested. You can get him a small phone to reach you when not around though.

As for those issues you want to discuss, don't force them. He is growing, seeing and learning things, when he gets to the ones he doesn't understand or need answers to, he will ask you by himself. You can then open up fully when he is 12-13years.
[b]
What you should be bothered now with is how to get a father figure for him because he needs that void to be filled. It could be your brother, relative, neighbor, friend but you must be very sure of the person's [/b]character and lifestyle as it will reflect on him. Also you should be careful of sexual molesters. If you can't get a trusted male immediately, you can start with a role model from TV or something. Remember the father's figure lifestyle above any selfish desire you may have.

Do you mean I should show him someone he should look up, to emulate them?
It kind of complex

easyconnect:

Do you mean I should show him someone he should look up, to emulate them?
It kind of complex

I mean like a mentor. He doesn't need to be on the lookout to emulate the person. He just need to be friends and free with the person and the person can naturally direct his path especially on men issues where necessary.

It may not happen immediately, but if you find such a person with character, you can introduce both of them, if your son likes the person then they can kick off. You can even let the person know you want him to be a mentor ONLY if you have proven beyond doubt that the person can deliver.

GHoJes:

I mean like a mentor. He doesn't need to be on the lookout to emulate the person. He just need to be friends and free with the person and the person can naturally direct his path especially on men issues where necessary.

It may not happen immediately, but if you find such a person with character, you can introduce both of them, if your son likes the person then they can kick off. You can even let the person know you want him to be a mentor ONLY if you have proven beyond doubt that the person can deliver.

Okay. Well understood. Thank you

Insightful comments

KingNom:
Insightful comments

Yes very insightful

You are attempting to do a hard job:

Bring up a son that will not repeat his father's footsteps and yet not feel contempt for the father not goof enough to be emulated.

As an aside, do you know if the father is OK? This lock down showed people shege.

And I think a male mentor is needed. The closer to family, the better.

Only a man can bring up another 100% rounded man.

God be with you.

When is the right age and time to start telling a child about the absence of his father in his life that will not affect him nagatively?

Now is a good time. Just use simple language he will understand

Do you think I should still keep encouraging him to keep on talking to his father on phone?

Please do. Let posterity be the judge. Besides what harm will it do to the child? IMO Not much except for maybe unmet expectations. But he will live.

I'm thinking of getting him a phone to ease communication between his father or myself when I'm not around.
Do you think it's the right thing to do

I don’t think it’s a good idea. Or it might be, depending on the type of phone you get him. If you’re not around him, you should leave him in the care of someone with phone access in case of emergencies. He’s only 7 afterall

easyconnect:
Matured mind in the house please advise.

His father is alive in a different state. We couldn't get married because his mother didn't want inter tribal marriage.( That's a long story anyway.) I have moved on and everything is fine.
Now, my worries are:
When is the right time to enlighten my son on reasons why his father is not present in his life?
I don't want him to learn how to hate anyone not even his father. I don't want anything that will affect his education, behavior, nor hurt his feelings. I want him to grow up a healthy child with lots of love.

He's very smart, lively and sharp and i don't want anything to change that.
He's 7, but very wise

This is the 4th years we've not seen him (his father) physically. Lately I observed he no longer border me to talk to his father on phone, initially he was.
Even when i ask if he wants to call him, he always said ''no I don't want to talk to him''


He already knows his father is a lier because he has promised hm several times on phone that he will come, but he never did.


When is the right age and time to start telling a child about the absence of his father in his life that will not affect him nagatively?
Do you think I should still keep encouraging him to keep on talking to his father on phone? I'm thinking of getting him a phone to ease communication between his father or myself when I'm not around.
Do you think it's the right thing to do?

If I'm to do this in my own way, I will completely put his father out of his life, stop every form of contact till he's of age to make his own decisions? Because right now, is like we are the only one trying to reach him. He doesn't care about his son.
I'magain this period of lockdown, he doesn't care either his son is fine, either if there's food or anything. He has never supported me. Only promises.

What's the right way to go about this?
My son's happiness is all that matters to me.

Just don't worry much about telling him yet for now

Focus on teaching him on how to face his studies and be responsible even at this stage

If you can, stop telling him to speak with his daddy or remind him of speaking with him

He has understood that his dad will s not responding, reliable and responsive

At the age of 10yrs seat him down and explain all that went on and assure him that he has a brighter future and he should move on with or without his dad

You on your own path, move on faster and train that child to love and accept people

Get something doing to keep that child going

You will be lucky to get another man but don't rush to become pregnant because pregnancy can't pin a man down

At the right time his father will look for him and you can treat him the way he deserves

Thanks @all