I need matured mind in the house to help look into this before I make mistake again.
I had a son with my ex years ago. He's 6ys old now.
All through this yrs, my family and I have been the only source taking care of my son. To be honest, I don't even have time for myself any more. I can't remember the last time I had a serious relationship with any man. I became a total worker holic because I needed to give him a good life.

But I'm afraid. I can't be enough for my son, I need a father figure in his life.
What if something happens to me? Who will be there for him?

Recently, I've been thinking. I want my son to have relationship with his father before he gets older, but that guy is so annoying. Each time he calls, he keeps promising and apologizing. I don't know what is actually wrong with him.

I've not been lucky to meet any one who could be like a father figure to my son and I don't want to single handedly raise a son without a father.
I've been thinking of taking him to his father and let him stay with him for a while, but I'm scared. Will my son be alright?
Am I making a mistake already?
What would you advised?
I'm 32yrs now and i need my life back, and I want my son to be okay. What do I do?

Do you think the father is eager to have his son?

If you really love your son, and wish to see him being successful in life, reap the labor you sowed on him, it is better you let your son be with you and raise him by yourself.

The best way to raise children is having both parents together, but if there is a separation between the father and the mother, it is always good for the children/child to be in the custody of the mother.

Let your son see and know his father for future sake, but let the son continue being with you. Like you said, the father has always been promising and failing, won’t that same man fail to raise the son in the right way you want?
Fatherly responsibility is an act, the man may not be in the state of being responsible for now. Probably due to his financial capability or naturally being determined not to be responsible.

Every son needs a father figure in his life, not just a father but a responsible one. If the man appears responsible later while bringing the child up, you may send him to the father o. But for now, continue to strive to make ends meet for the son ma.

Men like that are bad, they will just come after the “soup is done” to claim ownership of the son they didn’t labor on

Hmmn

If you don't trust his father to handle his role..then I suggest you send the boy to any of your brothers or male relative who you think is capable.

If the child was a female, then the best advice would have been to keep her. But as it is, he is a male. I would advise you to get him acquainted with his father. Let him meet and know the father. Forget that he is still and young and really behave cool with you, when he come of age, say from 15 years, he may cause problems with you all in the name of knowing his dad. Raising a male child as a single mother is really a difficult thing to do.

Few commenters up there are against you taking him to the dad. Even if the father isn't ready to take care of him, your soon knowing and meeting him may change the father's disposition.
I stand to be corrected.

Wantedmiller:
Do you think the father is eager to have his son?

He feels so relax because I'm doing everything. Paying school fees, Taking care of him all round without his contributions.

Don’t send him there. Continue what you have started. If not;

Like play like play bro’s will come back and plant another seed

...

Amotolongbo:
If you really love your son, and wish to see him being successful in life, reap the labor you sowed on him then better you let your son be with you and raise him by yourself.

Let your son see and know his father for future sake, but let the son continue being with you. Like you said, the father has always been promising and failing, won’t that same man fail to raise the son in the right way you want?
Fatherly responsibility is an act, the man may not be in the state of being responsible for now. Probably due to his financial capability or naturally being determined not to be responsible.

Every son needs a father figure in his life, not just a father but a responsible one. If the man appears responsible later while bringing the child up, you may send him to the father o. But for now, continue to strive to make ends meet for the son ma.

Men like that are bad, they will just come after the “soup is done” to claim ownership of the son they didn’t labor on

The sad reality of the bolded is,
1)Children most times lean towards the missing parent side when they grow up.
2) You can never reap as much as you sow... The years can not be regained
3) You may not even reap

My verdict: No one should become a shadow of themselves while trying to raise a child.

My dear, your child is a boy. I suggest you allow him to stay with his father for a while so you can get yourself together, you can take him back if you sense anything wrong. Just allow the boy stay with him for a while, it's important.

Most Nigerian men are just so irresponsible, tueh.

Senoritaluvy:
I need matured mind in the house to help look into this before I make mistake again.
I had a son with my ex years ago. He's 6ys old now.
All through this yrs, my family and I have been the only source taking care of my son. To be honest, I don't even have time for myself any more. I can't remember the last time I had a serious relationship with any man. I became a total worker holic because I needed to give him a good life.

But I'm afraid. I can't be enough for my son, I need a father figure in his life.
What if something happens to me? Who will be there for him?

Recently, I've been thinking. I want my son to have relationship with his father before he gets older, but that guy is so annoying. Each time he calls, he keeps promising and apologizing. I don't know what is actually wrong with him.

I've not been lucky to meet any one who could be like a father figure to my son and I don't want to single handedly raise a son without a father.
I've been thinking of taking him to his father and let him stay with him for a while, but I'm scared. Will my son be alright?
Am I making a mistake already?
What would you advised?
I'm 32yrs now and i need my life back, and I want my son to be okay. What do I do?

Your idea is good

Seat him down and let him know what really happened

Tell him that you want to go and struggle so that life will be meaningful for you and her

He will listen amd agree with you

Then inform the father of your plans and start with him going there on holidays, as he goes there, he will be bonding with the rest of the family and he will be the one to tell you how happy he will be or how sad he will be if he should stay with them, he can only experience this during holidays

As for his father that that is always apologising and begging you, that's a delay tactics

Let him man up, if he can't fix his first child in his life then let him do it byeforce

Now, if your child leaves you, you now have to opportunity to be free once again and replant your life

You will always come across men, but don't expect too much from them, they too are looking for a woman that will accept them the way the economy have kept them

Be prayerful too, everything is best known to God

Palema007:
The sad reality of the bolded is,
1)Children most times lean towards the missing parent side when they grow up.
2) You can never reap as much as you sow... The years can not be regained
3) You may not even reap

My verdict: No one should become the shadow of themselves while trying to raise a child.

@Senoritaluvy Take this advice, it is the truth. You can spend the good years of your life raising a child, and the child will grow up to be asking for the missing parent. It will be like the case of the prodigal son. What if, God forbid, after sacrificing everything, having no life, something happens to your enemy?(God forbid anything like this should happen) His father will end up reaping where he did not sow.

Take your son to his father and don't feel guilty about it, he is also his son. It is because you have taken complete responsibility for your son that he is behaving that way. He will be forced to be responsible when the boy is there.

Like Palema said, don't lose yourself while trying to raise a child.

Just be wise! Don't labor in vain that is gospel truth,it would have be awesome if you don't know that your baby daddy,you just get pregnant and train your child without involving anybody but now the mistake has been done,man figure is not even prob bcs is not a grantee of training a child well is even women that is pillar of children's training, but now he is knows about this try and involve him fully in training of that child,BC if you finish all this struggles he will appear to reap where he didn't sow,so be wise

Thanks for all the advice. I will gather courage, take him out for shopping and Tavel with him to his father. I'm emotionally so down because I've never been apart from my son.

Wow . I mean wow

Klass99:
Don't you have brothers or other male relatives or even good male friends who can indirectly play the father figure role in your son's life?

The people who love us the most won't always be our blood or family. I say this because what you seek, can be found somewhere else, in someone else. This may be hard for you to accept because as Africans we are constantly told family is everything, no one can love you like family (this is true in some cases, but not all cases) personally I think it's a crap load of shit that can be limiting if you don't have decent people as family.

Scripture says a man's worse enemies are from within his household and there's a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Enemies are not just witches and wizards o! If for 6 years your baby daddy hasn't been involved in your son's life physically, financially or otherwise, what makes you think it's going to be any different or better now? Please think about this carefully

Look around you, there are good men in some of our church communities or perhaps even in your workplace, who have the gift of mentoring and want to mentor young boys, sort of like a father figure. Such men welcome the opportunity.

:

Klass99:
Don't you have brothers or other male relatives or even good male friends who can indirectly play the father figure role in your son's life?

The people who love us the most won't always be our blood or family. I say this because what you seek, can be found somewhere else, in someone else. This may be hard for you to accept because as Africans we are constantly told family is everything, no one can love you like family (this is true in some cases, but not all cases) personally I think it's a crap load of shit that can be limiting if you don't have decent people as family.

Scripture says a man's worse enemies are from within his household and there's a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Enemies are not just witches and wizards o! If for 6 years your baby daddy hasn't been involved in your son's life physically, financially or otherwise, what makes you think it's going to be any different or better now? Please think about this carefully

Look around you, there are good men in some of our church communities or perhaps even in your workplace, who have the gift of mentoring and want to mentor young boys, sort of like a father figure. Such men welcome the opportunity.

Yes I have, but everyone has limitations to what they can do for another person. But I felt, for a parent, it's a must.
Because everyone sees your children as your pirioty.

:

Klass99:


I understand you. But even natural parents have limitations on how good a parent they can be to their own children.

Some limitations are self induced and man made (take for your example your baby daddy) Why hasn't he been involved? He is clearly not thinking the way you are in this post or feeling anyway like a parent.

You may not get the full benefits of great fatherhood from other men like I suggested, because your boy is not their son and they have other responsibilities, but do not close your mind completely to the possibility of good or even partial fatherhood from other sources.

By all means have a talk with your baby's daddy and let him take over your son's care, so you can take a break from the tedious task of caring for him alone. After all you didn't climb on top of yourself to have this child, however, but if you do not like the outcomes after a certain period of time, look elsewhere for a father figure.

I repeat the people who love us the most will not always be our family or blood. Your son may just be better off with someone else and I don't necessarily mean someone you are dating.

I have done that over and over. He always promised to send us money for school fees, but he has never fulfilled. He always promised my son of coming over for birthdays and all that, but he has never keep to any. My son see him as a liar now. And that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to raise a son who will grow up to hate. I want him to have full confident in both his father's family and mine and be a happy child.

Senoritaluvy:
Thanks for all the advice. I will gather courage, take him out for shopping and Tavel with him to his father. I'm emotionally so down because I've never been apart from my son.

Please, talk to your son about it first, before taking him there.
Separating from him all of a sudden without explanations can be very traumatic for him.
He might feel you rejected him and begin to hate you for it.
Also, if he ends up staying with his dad, make sure to always keep in touch with him.
Always assure him of your love for him, even when you start another family. It is important.

Senoritaluvy:
I have done that over and over. He always promised to send us money for school fees, but he has never fulfilled. He always promised my son of coming over for birthdays and all that, but he has never keep to any. My son see him as a liar now. And that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to raise a son who will grow up to hate. I want him to have full confident in both his father's family and mine and be a happy child.

Now, this is discouraging and sad.
I pray for the mental stability of that child.

Senoritaluvy:
I have done that over and over. He always promised to send us money for school fees, but he has never fulfilled. He always promised my son of coming over for birthdays and all that, but he has never keep to any. My son see him as a liar now. And that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to raise a son who will grow up to hate. I want him to have full confident in both his father's family and mine and be a happy child.

Is your baby daddy not fulfilling his promises because:
1. He currently CAN NOT afford to do so

OR

2. He DOES NOT want to

If one, why? Earnings too low, out of job, nursing illnesses etc.

If two why? He is bitter with you? Doesn't want to be involved? Doesn't believe he is the father? Etc.

There is no excuse why a father won't be in the life of his son since you constantly invite him.

However, you need to know the problem so you can properly solve it.

mariahAngel:


Please, talk to your son about it first, before taking him there.
Separating from him all of a sudden without explanations can be very traumatic for him.
He might feel you rejected him and begin to hate you for it.
Also, if he ends up staying with his dad, make sure to always keep in touch with him.
Always assure him of your love for him, even when you start another family. It is important.

I have done that severally and he didn't want to go. He has developed this attitude of not talking to him on phone either, but I have to do this. I felt this is the only way I can get his father committed to him and get alittle relief as well.

bukatyne:


Is your baby daddy not fulfilling his promises because:
1. He currently CAN NOT afford to do so

OR

2. He DOES NOT want to

If one, why? Earnings too low, out of job, nursing illnesses etc.

If two why? He is bitter with you? Doesn't want to be involved? Doesn't believe he is the father? Etc.

There is no excuse why a father won't be in the life of his son since you constantly invite him.

However, you need to know the problem so you can properly solve it.

According to him, things are not working well with him, but to be honest, I had no job, just graduated, had nothing when I became pregnant yrs ago when he promised me everything and begged me to keep our first child. We had no problem. When he suddenly walked away, I have turned into a worker holic just to be there for my son.
He kept on telling me he's looking for a job.

Klass99:


Look who is talking? I thought we were on a mission to lay 2 sets of twins nah making a total number of 4 pikins.

Your points 2, 3 and final verdict are precisely some of the reasons I am not interested in having kids. All that time, energy and resources invested in rearing children, I would rather invest in myself, parents, siblings and friends, who have been there for me as a child and an adult. While doing good by other people I come across in my life as well

The wonderful thing/experience has been the benefits reaped from loving others and being loved in return so far, without the added stress of having a child take over my life or me losing myself in the process of taking care of a child.

Tarh! I'm still going to have my two sets of twins and their father will be there too. You know why? Because I love kids, I want to have mine and I'm not after what to reap. Klass everything in life has advantages and disadvantage.Do you stop crossing the road because people get knocked down on it? Do you stop driving cars because you can have accident with it? Do you stop breathing air because it can be contaminated? Do you stop drinking water because you can get choked? Do you stop eating for the fear of food poisoning? Do you stop going to work because of the fear of the unknown? Lol.. if all I've asked is NO then you shouldn't have reasons not to have a child expect "if you just don't want to" and if you will not because of those points you raised. While as a liberal person I respect people's choice, I do not support cowardice. Those reasons aren't justifiable.

Now to the points you raised, I do not intend those points in the context you interpreted them. No! I pointed that out because contrary to the popular selfish reasons why people have kids and they make pointless sacrifices, it do not always end as they plan. Mothers can make sacrifices for their kids but they shouldn't always expect to "reap". Children aren't farmlands. You take care of kids because you are responsible for them not as future investments.Too many bitter women out their because their expectations aren't met. So if op will sacrifice her youth or life for her son, then she should know she's doing it out of selfwill, that child owes her nothing! And she shouldn't make sacrifices that may break her.

Senoritaluvy:
I have done that severally and he didn't want to go. He has developed this attitude of not talking to him on phone either, but I have to do this. I felt this is the only way I can get his father committed to him and get alittle relief as well.

Your son will grow up to understand that you did what was best for him, even though he might not think so now.
Please, always look out for him.
Don't leave him without looking back.
Check up on him from time to time.
Don't hide him from the man you may end up with.

Let him be fully involved in raising your son, financially etc. so you don't lose out at the end of the day.

Too much sense in one post.

"Children aren't farmlands" should be etched onto maternity doors. People should have kids for the joy of raising them; they are not stocks and shares to be "reaped" for dividends.

@OP, I think your child is better off staying with you. A parent that is interested in being in his child life will be the one pushing for more involvement and not being laid back as the child's father is showing. Keep your child with you, Madam, and if it's a romantic relationship you desire, by all means get into one, but your primary responsibility is to your tender child first. Let whoever you chose to date know this important fact, the serious and responsible one will stay.

Palema007:
Tarh! I'm still going to have my two sets of twins and their father will be there too. You know why? Because I love kids, I want to have mine and I'm not after what to reap. Klass everything in life has advantages and disadvantage.Do you stop crossing the road because people get knocked down on it? Do you stop driving cars because you can have accident with it? Do you stop breathing air because it can be contaminated? Do you stop drinking water because you can get choked? Do you stop eating for the fear of food poisoning? Do you stop going to work because of the fear of the unknown? Lol.. if all I've asked is NO then you shouldn't have reasons not to have a child expect "if you just don't want to" and if you will not because of those points you raised. While as a liberal person I respect people's choice, I do not support cowardice. Those reasons aren't justifiable.

Now to the points you raised, I do not intend those points in the context you interpreted them. No! I pointed that out because contrary to the popular selfish reasons why people have kids and they make pointless sacrifices, it do not always end as they plan. Mothers can make sacrifices for their kids but they shouldn't always expect to "reap". Children aren't farmlands. You take care of kids because you are responsible for them not as future investments.Too many bitter women out their because their expectations aren't met. So if op will sacrifice her youth or life for her son, then she should know she's doing it out of selfwill, that child owes her nothing! And she shouldn't make sacrifices that may break her.

In all of this back and forth, no where has the OP actually stated what the kid's father has to say about her plans.

@Senoritaluvy, have you told your baby daddy about your intentions to have his son come live with him for a while?
What did he say, what was his reaction?

Personally, everything you need to know, you will surely discover it in that conversation with him.
If he accepts, even if for a short time like a holiday, then perfect, your son can stay with him. And if he doesn't, you should forget all about it.

This is something ONLY both of you will have to decide together because the last thing you want to do, is to go drop your son with a father who does not want him.

Senoritaluvy:
I have done that severally and he didn't want to go. He has developed this attitude of not talking to him on phone either, but I have to do this. I felt this is the only way I can get his father committed to him and get alittle relief as well.

Why take your son to someone that is currently financial handicap? The boy might suffer.

Pls talk to your blood brother or sister or relative, let the boy stay with them, look for a good job , start working and send money for the boy up keeping with who ever the boy is staying with.

With that ; The relative taking care of your boy might not really complain about any financial burden. And you can take care of your self , look good and start a better relationship.

After sometime , you can discuss with your new partner and he might allow him to be part of d new family.

I understand your situation, age is not on your side , act fast and rebrand your life.

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