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Hello Nairalanders, what would you consider the most important ingredient of a healthy marriage? JUST ONE and why?

For married couples: I have observed that most couples start their relationships as friends, but after kids and other demands of family life kick in, it seems as if they start losing the emotional intimacy and friendship they once had - settling for a boring marriage where all they talk about is everything else but themselves. Why does it happen? Would you consider your spouse your best friend? Why?

Pls. send full info to my e-mail: mysolutionprovider@yahoo.com Thanks.

Yea, but the way it is right now is a bit cluttered.

Family is a big subject matter. I think it needs a child board specifically for parents - a place where parents can talk about issues affecting them.

Hi Seun,

What is the process for starting a new child board?

I think nairaland needs a specific child board for (1) parenting (2) marriage.

thanks.

The health implication issue is a serious one. However, you may want get yourself a designated handkerchief, which you must wash with a disinfectant daily. And , don't forget to note the side of the hanky touching your skin and the side touching the helmet.

Have a clear picture of the kind of adult you want your child to grow into. I'm not talking money, fame, profession, etc. I'm talking character, virtue, attitude, etc.

Baptize the child with unconditional love.

Live the way you want your child to live. Become who you want your child to become.

Instruct diligently and skillfully. Don't become too preachy or boring, but be consistent. Don't say one thing today and another tomorrow. teach life skills and not just your thwarted experiences of bitterness and pain. e.g. "All men are evil" (just because 10 men jilted you before you got "wiser" and hooked their father).

Discipline positively and sensitively. Make sure your discipline is done right. For your info, discipline is not all about punishment. It is training and education in the issues of life, so that the child is able to not only fulfill his/her potentials, but contribute effectively to his/her life, family, community and make the world a better place.

@ poster

You're wrong you know. We are not that backward in Nigeria. There might be some cases, but it's not the norm in today's Nigeria. Please, don't let half educated people give you wrong notions about your country. If you ask me, you're better off marrying a Naija man than any other nationality. However, whatever nationality you choose to marry, remember to "look before you leap". It is always easier to back out before you get in, than trying to get out when you're already in.

For now,

You need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband in a calm respectful way. Let him know how you feel and how insecure you are becoming in your husband's house. Ask him to always calmly tell you whatever he needs you to do and that you'll endeavour to carry out his instructions.

Also, try to find out what his love language is. One of the major reasons couples react negatively towards each other is because they don't speak each others' love language.

What is a love language? It is simply the way your spouse wants you to express love to him or her.

There are 5 love languages: Affirmation, Act of service, Touch, Quality time and gifts.

I think your husband's love language is acts of service. If he complains so much about the food, cloth washing, etc, I wouldn't be surprised if that's his love language.

This kind of people appreciate it when their spouse help them take care of things properly, especially domestic .

One way you find out a person's love language is by listening to what they often complain about and start speaking the love language that addresses those complaints.

Hope this helps.

Hello Fineapple,

I think there are questions you are leaving unanswered:

How long have you been married?

Has he always been like this or is this a sudden change of attitude?

Are there thing he's always said that he keeps repeating?

Is he working? Does he earn less than you?

Do you have unresolved issues or is there something you did in the past that is still annoying him?

How many kids you have?

Etc, etc.

If you can answer these questions, you'll get less speculative posts from nairalanders. You cannot get a good prescription if you don't offer adequate information.

You must be a new mother else you'D know that to deal with misbehaved children, you lock them up in bird cages and only feed them crackers.

@ busybody20

I was startled when I read the post too. I wish she'd explain the next time she visits this thread.

Olanajim's suggested line of action should also be supported by fervent prayer, not only for her but for you, too, so you know when the right person comes along.

While you're asking all the questions "olanajim" suggested, try to listen for fears she might be having concerning your decision. Sometimes, parents pester you for reasons other than the ones they are really giving you. Pry. Go beneath the surface and calmly address those fears with words of hope.

I'll suggest you look for a perfect time to do this. A time when both of you are not tired and you're not likely to be disturbed. 2am is a good time, but be sensitive.

Let's know how things turn out. May the Lord strengthen you.

Great post, Sistawoman.

I have a little observation though. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

It seems to me like you've never had any problems with your kids. Statements like:

"I have never had a child that did not understand no the first time.  I have never had child that did not go to bed when told to.  I have never had a child that did not do as i told them to do the first time."

And, 

Children are to be seen and not heard.

really paints the picture of a no-nonsense super mommy to me.

I, however do agree that kids kids need discipline and boundaries. Great post.

@ Syren

I agree. Children need attention and a parent's presence. When they don't, they start misbehaving; even if it's just to get a negative attention from you.

@ Arielle

I know what you mean deary, I do. Couldn't help laughing though. Anyway, thanks and more fun to your parenting.

Well said. Thank you my sister.

@olanajim

[tr]Some people just open thread without thinking. I wonder why.[/tr]

You don't need to wonder for long my dear, because you just made a less than courteous statement. I simply asked a simple straight-forward question.

Were you ever spanked for something you didn't do just because your parents assumed you were the culprit or because they never gave you an opportunity to defend yourself?

Were you ever mad at them? If you were or knew someone who was, would you still wonder if this thread was opened "without thinking"?

Please lets respect ourselves. Thanks.

I think one way is by punishing them unjustly

really? how do you mean?

Kids can be fun to have around, but sometimes they do things that get you so mad that you lose your cool and almost forget you parenting 101 lessons.

What do your kids do that drive you crazy and how do you cope? Share.

The hidden bottom line is, there is no true TRUST. Plus, a little selfishness. Why keep it a secret if you really trust your spouse to be as thrifty as you are.

In my own opinion, no more money that both of you earn should be considered yours individually, but the family's, whether you have a joint account or not.

Women would "harass" you less and even help you manage the more if they know what the financial situation is as at yesterday.

Plus, what will happen to this money your family does not know about if something happens to you?

Think about it.

Guys! What were the most annoying things your parents did to you while you were growing up?

Guys, What were the most annoying things your parents did to you while you were growing up?

@tope2000
I don't get your point

I wouldn't encourage it. But if you must, you should have a non-threatening talk with your spouse, so he can lay down certain rules before any problem arises. But you, too, must also take a large pill of patience and be ready for some occasional unpleasant situations in the days ahead.

Should there really be debate on this issue?
It is clear. Both parties fulfil different roles. The important thing is to ensure both parties know where the line is before they ever cross it. More importantly, let the your family know by your attitude that you now have a new family, which you are willing to go to any length to protect. That way, their expectations of your "undying loyalty" to them is lowered.

Character, Intelligence, godliness, beauty.

Yes Sis, just be organised and outsource the more difficult tasks, so you can be at peace and spend more time with your family.

A book like [s]"12 steps to becoming an organised woman"[/s] by "Lane P. Jordan" can help you solve a lot of home management riddles. You can find the Nigerian reprints at some Christian book stores.

Also search the internet for practical ideas directed at those without househelps.

I also think parents should have a clear cut idea of the kind of adults they want their kids to grow into and then pursue those goals with every resource they have. I'm not talking about academics or future profession, NO. I'm talking character, faith, attitude, manners, etc. Truth is, when all else fail, these virtues will still stand.

I couldn't agree more.

I wish more parents understood the awesome privilege and responsibility they have as parents.