URINALYSIS.

One day, in line at the company canteen, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it your urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs only ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor who will charge hundreds of dollars."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout saying: 'You have tennis elbow ailment. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activities. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, his dog's faeces, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

Women's Night Out

Two women where walking home home after a girls' night out and they felt the need to pee, so as they were passing by a lonely graveyard, they decided to go in to answer the call of nature.
But of course, they have no toilet rolls, so the first one uses her panties and then throws them away while the other woman seeing a ribbon on a wreath of flowers and cards, pulls it off and uses the ribbon.
The next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, "You know Jeff, we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out. My wife came home last night without her panties!" Jeff shook his head and replied, "You think that's bad?? Mine had a card stuck to her buttocks that said 'From all the guys at the fire station-We'll miss you'.."

The Professional Gambler

A man walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy everyone in here a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge bundle of money and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such job as that! I mean, you can't always win, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things that I always win" said the guy.
"Things like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars thatI can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay.. I bet you can't!" he said.
So, the guy pulled out his fixed right eye and bit it. "Aw, you tricked me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the gambler.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet. You can't!" So, this time, the guy pulled out his fixed teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you tricked me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best wine in place of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the gambler went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the people. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he staggered up to the bar. Drunk silly, he went to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that tiny hole on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again thought about the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, not to talk of one foot. "Okay, I bet you can't!!," the bartender said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He pissed on the bar, pissed on the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the tiny hole.
The bartender was overjoyed and danced all over the place. He had won the bet!! Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey gambler, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar, counted the five hundred dollars and handed it over to the bartender saying, "That's okay. I just bet each of the forty-three guys playing cards in the room a thousand dollars each that I could piss all over you and your bar and instead of getting angry, you will be laughing!"

nice jokes

Nice

Good Little Jane

One day Jane's mother was out and Jane's dad was looking after Jane. She was was just 2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given her a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of her favorite toys.
Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which of course, was just water as she was still too little to know how to make tea. Her Dad was mightily impressed and drank it up, thanking her proudly. After several cups of tea for which Jane received lots of Dad's praise for such good tea, her mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch Jane bring him a cup of tea, which he would accept as usual. Mom waited and sure enough, Jane came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)..."Did it ever occur to you that the only place Jane can reach to get water is from the toilet?"

And you call these clean jokes

THREE KINDS

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Breasts. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like avocado pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50 years, they are like onions'.
'Onions?' his son asked, puzzled.
'Yes' his Dad replied.. 'You see them and they make you cry.'
This angered his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'penis' are there?'.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50 years, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?' The daughter asked, puzzled.
'Yes' she replied, smiling - 'the roots dead and the balls are just for decoration..

BUTT HOLE

This man goes into the doctor with his anus in a terrible state, really looking bad now.
Doctor asked "What happened to you?"
He says: "I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!"
Doctor: "But I don't understand. Elephant joysticks are very narrow and couldn't cause that much damage!"
He says "Aah but you see doctor, the elephant fingered me first!"

SEASON TICKET

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap mefor a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season is almost over," he said.

Valiantvaliant: And you call these clean jokes

Dunno.. Tried Google?

CHYKMAN: Good Little Jane

One day Jane's mother was out and Jane's dad was looking after Jane. She was was just 2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given her a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of her favorite toys.
Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which of course, was just water as she was still too little to know how to make tea. Her Dad was mightily impressed and drank it up, thanking her proudly. After several cups of tea for which Jane received lots of Dad's praise for such good tea, her mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch Jane bring him a cup of tea, which he would accept as usual. Mom waited and sure enough, Jane came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)..."Did it ever occur to you that the only place Jane can reach to get water is from the toilet?"

...lolz... Catch ya @last...hw va?

THE SANE ONE

A psychologist in a room full of insane people was trying to know those that have improved in their mental state.
Psychologist: Since we're here in the room and some of you definitely wants to go out, (the psychologist draws a big door on a white wall), you may now leave the room through this door.
Everyone rushed to the door drawn on the wall except for one patient that stayed back laughing at the others..
Psychologist: Why are you laughing?
Patient: Of course, they can't pass through that door!!
Psychologist: (deciding this one is already sane) Why do you say so?
Patient: (laughing louder this time) Well, I got the key!

Thanks to Google and whoever invented "copy" and "paste"

I'm not sure I'd call all of these clean.

*almost a year later*