justsmile:

lol Toba..... this is just a forum meant for sharing right?!!! Abi part of the agenda is to be contacted?!!! get your point you know, but not into internet 'catching up' thing especially on nairaland. Prefer having an interest in someone based on live contact than some 'supposed' internet impression. If i get contacted based on an impression from my write up, to me it is stereotyped. I would then have to thrive to live up to that impression when met live. Nahhhhhhhhh....that's not my thing! I like this forum, just want Christians to come, be real and share and learn from each other. that's all!
Hey wait a minute, you didn't even share your personal thought again! still waiting o!

Just say you are engaged. It's part of being straight forward and if you are not engaged then maybe you have a lot of work to do on your human relations.
It's not as if he is already asking for your in marriage. This is a christian who wants to be friends. If you are really single, not engaged or married and you think the way you think, I shudder at the doctrine that has made you this way.
You must think your partner will drop from heaven or maybe you attend a denomination that frowns at marrying other denominations ? I know something is just not right some where.
Where's my guitar by the way ?

toba: why not? i haven't taken a loan from the bank before, yet my job allows me to advice the lender(bank) and the borrower

I hate to say this but musky might just be right on this one. People who are not married have no moral stand to advice on marital conflicts. My opinion and my guitar too.

^^^^^^^^ You never took loan because you find it to be unbiblical.
yet you advise people to borrow and lend.

its a similar job to a man who will not hire a prostitu.te but runs a brothel getting paid on situations between prostitu.tes and johns.

Guitarlife: I hate to say this but musky might just be right on this one. People who are not married have no moral stand to advice on marital conflicts. My opinion and my guitar too.

u're so so so wrong. Why will unmarried pastor advise on marriage? why will a father be guiding a married man on how to handle his home peaceably? there's nothing immoral about advising pple about marriage. what if a man is hot tempered and only knows how to shout on his wife after little mistake, i cant counsel him on how to deal with his wife softly?

Sweetnecta: ^^^^^^^^ You never took loan because you find it to be unbiblical.
yet you advise people to borrow and lend.

its a similar job to a man who will not hire a prostitu.te but runs a brothel getting paid on situations between prostitu.tes and johns.

You didn't get the drift. That was supposed to be an analogy. I guess you have learnt quite a lot here you seem to practically live on this thread.
It's ok though. How was your day ?

Sweetnecta: ^^^^^^^^ You never took loan because you find it to be unbiblical.
yet you advise people to borrow and lend.

its a similar job to a man who will not hire a prostitu.te but runs a brothel getting paid on situations between prostitu.tes and johns.

what about a doctor that advises on family planning yet he doesnt even have a child

Double post.

toba: u're so so so wrong. Why will unmarried pastor advise on marriage? why will a father be guiding a married man on how to handle his home peaceably? there's nothing immoral about advising pple about marriage. what if a man is hot tempered and only knows how to shout on his wife after little mistake, i cant counsel him on how to deal with his wife softly?

Believe me brother, marriage is more than what you see on wedding day. A man who has never been married can never qualify to counsel a married man on marital issues. It's like a masters degree holder supervising a Ph.D thesis.
Pray tell, if he says the cause of the rift is pre-mature ejac*ulatuion. What advice would you give. I am all ears having it in mind that you are not married and you are a virgin.

Abbott:


Love your perspective, very balanced,clearand apt. What you should expect from a son of God.

Very kind of you to say so. I'm encouraged to post some more.

So just how does a Christian single go about preparing for marriage?

There is no template as such, although there are some fundamentals that will stand one in good stead. I could take this way back , all the way to the cradle, but let me fast-forward and attempt to keep it bite-sized. I’m happy to add detail and clarify further if required.

Seek God prayerfully. Ask Him to mould you into a person who has all the required attributes to be a godly spouse (for those blessed to be Christians whilst still young, it’s never too early to start – and vicariously by parents).

Acquire an understanding of the marriage union. Gods purpose and desire for marriage. Its benefits to the community, the families, the couple and any offspring. Study it in scripture and study it “live”, don’t be put off by bad examples or naysayers. Have a vision of the home you want. Pointers abound in scripture.

One thing that will stand you in good stead is to renew your mind so that the qualities of a good spouse are what you find attractive - over and beyond physical attraction. In essence, physical attraction becomes no more than a “starter for 10”, with any attraction withering – and fast – if the character attributes are not there. I wouldn’t want to understate physical attraction, but one can actually get to a state where the attributes trigger the physical attraction.

For men in particular, it’s essential you develop into that man who can “command his household”. Being a husband is inherent in being a man.

If you are not ready or in a position to marry, I would counsel that you have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances, but no special/unique relationship.

If you are, I would persist with the wide circle of F&A, getting to know people and be at ease interacting socially. Although I personally eschewed the “net”, I am not being dogmatic, I just preferred the traditional routes of meeting people - socially and via introductions. I grew bold enough to approach people publicly.

I don’t want to be drawn into semantics about use of the word dating, but I would certainly suggest getting to "know" and "know about" someone prior to a “proper date”. Even then, it does not mean exclusivity. It never does, unless it gets to the courtship stage.

And there is a call for forthrightness – boldness even – from the ladies. If a man wants to spend time with you, he needs to be able to articulate why. And not the bogus “I like your company” or “you are good fun” reasons. Not on first meeting, but definitely if he is angling to see more of you after a few meetings or getting to know you sessions.

And of course keep it chaste at all times. Don’t be fooled by or create an ambiance that could cause you to stray.

God bless
TV

Guitarlife: You didn't get the drift. That was supposed to be an analogy. I guess you have learnt quite a lot here you seem to practically live on this thread.
It's ok though. How was your day ?

dont mind the chief lmam of NL. he wants me to become a muslim.

Guitarlife: Believe me brother, marriage is more than what you see on wedding day. A man who has never been married can never qualify to counsel a married man on marital issues. It's like a masters degree holder supervising a Ph.D thesis.
Pray tell, if he says the cause of the rift is pre-mature ejac*ulatuion. What advice would you give. I am all ears having it in mind that you are not married and you are a virgin.

l disagree completely. what about coaches that have never killed a ball in any competition, yet telling lionel messi how to play football.

toba: l disagree completely. what about coaches that have never killed a ball in any competition, yet telling lionel messi how to play football.

I want to believe you are just pulling my legs right ? Damn!! Marriage is not soccer. Marriage is not a game. It is a life time contract between two people. Jesus himself never gave any advice on marriage while he walked the earth and you think you can.
Especially since you ain't married yourself ? C'mon man, you need to work seriously on how to separate your emotions from your decision making.
I gave a real life scenario up there by the way. When you address that then we can take it from there.

@Toba: Your analogies clearly show you have no clue what marriage is about. I have an aunt whom I used to think was very happy in marriage. She has very successful kids and grand children too.
The day she complained bitterly to me about her husband (she's a really close aunt) I was shocked. She's Anglican btw. In fact, one reason she's still in the marriage is because of the shame of divorce.

Toba, marriage is not a course you study in school. You have no idea what it means to wake up to the same person everyday. I'm sorry, but you have no right or left to give advise to people on divorce. I'll advice you ask a more mature xtian like davidylan to handle that.

musKeeto: @Toba: Your analogies clearly show you have no clue what marriage is about. I have an aunt whom I used to think was very happy in marriage. She has very successful kids and grand children too.
The day she complained bitterly to me about her husband (she's a really close aunt) I was shocked. She's Anglican btw. In fact, one reason she's still in the marriage is because of the shame of divorce.

Toba, marriage is not a course you study in school. You have no idea what it means to wake up to the same person everyday. I'm sorry, but you have no right or left to give advise to people on divorce. I'll advice you ask a more mature xtian like davidylan to handle that.

u just simply have no idea of what u're saying. u were too in a haste to respond without having a full understanding of my perspective regarding giving advice. lm sure u're not married.

the eg of ur aunt u cited is completely different. ur aunt was enduring and thats part of what makes marriage an institution. endurance and long suffering.

l've seen couples that fought from 7pm till 4am next day and we had to wake all night trying to settle the dispute. it was a serious battle that the wife threw weapon at the husband and if the man didnt run away, he may have been dead.

See my guy, half of my friends the least in age which is about 32yrs old are married for ranging from 10-12 yrs now. They do tell me their challenges in marriage, we discuss generally and i counsel them with both the scripture and common sense. l dont think u have to die first, go to heaven and then return to the earth to start teaching about heaven. Even if we have no idea, our parents that are over 60 and still kicking together to date serves as practical eg

On countless occassions i've lectured on marriages/divorce.

lf u're willing, i can send u CDs of some of the speeches for u to read and learn.

We've not had a practical situation here, hence u wouldnt understand what im talking about.

How can you say chocolate is sweet without tasting it?
I can tell you it's sweet, describe it all but there's no for you to experience it without tasting. Experience complements knowledge.

Case closed.

by ur conclusion, we cannot at least tell advice pple from the experience we gathered from others?

good. l've learnt something new today

^^^
Generically, you can give advice on marital issues without being married, but when you enter it, you will discover that cases are different.
A professor in marriage therapy or counselling (I've forgotten now) was counselling married men and women but his own home was in shambles, I mean serious one.
Generally speaking, you, as an unmarried person, can give advice on marriage issues but when you get married yourself, you would discover that your pieces of advice wouldn't work in your own home.
Marriage is a very very sensitive institute that only requires wisdom of God to school in it and succeed.
Good morning!

RedReact: ^^^
Generically, you can give advice on marital issues without being married, but when you enter it, you will discover that cases are different.
A professor in marriage therapy or counselling (I've forgotten now) was counselling married men and women but his own home was in shambles, I mean serious one.
Generally speaking, you, as an unmarried person, can give advice on marriage issues but when you get married yourself, you would discover that your pieces of advice wouldn't work in your own home.
Marriage is a very very sensitive institute that only requires wisdom of God to school in it and succeed.
Good morning!

typical of my point. l dont have to be married to tell a married man not to transfer office aggression on his wife at home. l can also tell a married man that women are volatile and should be handled with care, when they start their usually 'trouble'

one more story to share.
3 sundays ago, i went to my mechanic to have a fix on my car somewhere not too far from unilag 2nd gate. whilst waiting for the chap, i ran into a man who was narrating his ordeal as a married man to another married man older in age. He said his wife isnt accommodating to his family members. he said when ever any of his relatives comes home visiting, his wife is always very intolerant, but she's very tolerant of her own family members. He said his mum have had to take garri one time she came visiting cos the wife said there was no food at home. it has gotten to the extent that no family members from the man's side can pass the night in their home. this is not a fable but a real life situation in Lagos Nigeria.


l want to ask u guys what advice u can give to the troubled guy?

Greetings all.

I should have probably touched on the following point first.

When my thoughts first turned to marriage, my first question – probably driven a lot by some of the prevailing Christian - or should I say denominational? - thinking of the time was “Is it Gods will for me to marry?” This could probably be twinned with another question which goes something like this “Does God have a purpose for me that may preclude marriage?”

I agonised over this for a long time. I really wanted to hear/know if God had marriage in mind for me. This was despite my strong desire to be married. It was a long drawn-out period and one I suspect others have or are experiencing. As ever, I thank God I came out of it with deeper understanding, more mature and more solidly grounded. Actually I never actually heard, I understood.

My categorical position is the answer to that question is a resounding “Yes”! I clearly believe that the scriptures show that God made marriage for all, God expects it to be the norm ad it is the default for practically all men and women. So much so, that I believe Gods grace in marriage is beyond mere religion (not to suggest marrying outside one’s faith/worldview, as that will possibly present practical as well as spiritual issues).

Will there be exceptions? Certainly. If it’s God led, in such instances I would expect The Lord to be clear about this in how He ministers to you. Even God mandated preclusion may not be permanent, but rather for a season, until such purpose is served. And it will almost certainly be very clear and apparent why marriage is not expedient at that time. If you have the desire (and understanding) for it, expect, anticipate, prepare and embrace it. I don’t believe you need to ask for it.

The notion that God has some “super ministry” or “other worldly” purpose for us, is easily exaggerated in the minds of many and can lead to doubts and angst regards purpose. It is not helped by the “my ministry” concept prevalent in some institutionalised churches. Believe it or not, for most people and for the most part, Gods purpose - “your ministry” - will be quite mundane and centre primarily around family and immediate community.

Will there be those who because of their lifestyles, philosophies or situations are unable or unwilling too? Sure, but I see those as essentially contrary to Gods purpose. Indeed. I feel that marriage is one of the ways by which God can effect His purpose in us.

God bless
TV


And yes, one unmarried can give advice on marriage. There may be some particulars they would be best not to touch upon, or specifics that are off-limits, but having been on both sides of the divide, I see nothing wrong here.

toba: one more story to share.
3 sundays ago, i went to my mechanic to have a fix on my car somewhere not too far from unilag 2nd gate. whilst waiting for the chap, i ran into a man who was narrating his ordeal as a married man to another married man older in age. He said his wife isnt accommodating to his family members. he said when ever any of his relatives comes home visiting, his wife is always very intolerant, but she's very tolerant of her own family members. He said his mum have had to take garri one time she came visiting cos the wife said there was no food at home. it has gotten to the extent that no family members from the man's side can pass the night in their home. this is not a fable but a real life situation in Lagos Nigeria.


l want to ask u guys what advice u can give to the troubled guy?

Hmmm..serious case. I hope the husband in question didn't marry from another tribe? If that's not the case the husband should find out where the hatred for the husband's in-laws is coming from. Both of them should discuss the reason for the partial treatment. But if the husband's family can't survive without visiting their son in Lagos, the man should make provision somewhere else for his family whenever they are in Lagos (if he's that rich) while he settles with his wife. But what are in-laws doing eating and sleeping in a married couple's home?

Personally, I won't allow any in-laws from both sides coming to my matrimonial home to pass the night, unless my wife (not yet known) and I had reached an agreement. I married my wife, and she married me, no other person should come in between. That's how God want it. I'm a Christian, she's my wife, not "our" wife like they usually say. If I tell her not to cook for you, it's my order!

And the gossip begins.. disappointed really..

damilarelr:

Hmmm..serious case. I hope the husband in question didn't marry from another tribe? If that's not the case the husband should find out where the hatred for the husband's in-laws is coming from. Both of them should discuss the reason for the partial treatment. But if the husband's family can't survive without visiting their son in Lagos, the man should make provision somewhere else for his family whenever they are in Lagos (if he's that rich) while he settles with his wife. But what are in-laws doing eating and sleeping in a married couple's home?

Personally, I won't allow any in-laws from both sides coming to my matrimonial home to pass the night, unless my wife (not yet known) and I had reached an agreement. I married my wife, and she married me, no other person should come in between. That's how God want it. I'm a Christian, she's my wife, not "our" wife like they usually say. If I tell her not to cook for you, it's my order!

l guess u're Yoruba like i am but im doubting if u know in the yoruba culture how important inlaws are. we do say a proverb that 'aya buruku se ni sugbon ana buruku ko se ni' meaning its better to have a bad wife than a bad inlaw. as a couple, u cant prevent inlaws from coming over to ur home, especially mother inlaw that must visit and spend time with u when u've just given birth. that notion why must inlawd pass the night is out of it.

the man/wife in question are yoruba and muslims. he stays in 'room and palour'

l think he said they've talked it over several times, yet the wife is adamant to change her position. yet the man accommodates his inlaws. He said he'll probably get a room for his mum next time she comes visiting than allow someone kill his mum. He's considering sending her packing but an afa(islam cleric) advised him to be patient about this and call pple to intervene first.

This is very common except we want to lie to ourselves. Women are very selfish. l know someone who always give to his relatives behind his wive. ln fact, the galaxy tab im using to type right now was given to me by someone last october(2011) who told me not allow his hear about it. but why are women like that?

toba: l guess u're Yoruba like i am but im doubting if u know in the yoruba culture how important inlaws are. we do say a proverb that 'aya buruku se ni sugbon ana buruku ko se ni' meaning its better to have a bad wife than a bad inlaw. as a couple, u cant prevent inlaws from coming over to ur home, especially mother inlaw that must visit and spend time with u when u've just given birth. that notion why must inlawd pass the night is out of it.

the man/wife in question are yoruba and muslims. he stays in 'room and palour'

l think he said they've talked it over several times, yet the wife is adamant to change her position. yet the man accommodates his inlaws. He said he'll probably get a room for his mum next time she comes visiting than allow someone kill his mum. He's considering sending her packing but an afa(islam cleric) advised him to be patient about this and call pple to intervene first.

This is very common except we want to lie to ourselves. Women are very selfish. l know someone who always give to his relatives behind his wive. ln fact, the galaxy tab im using to type right now was given to me by someone last october(2011) who told me not allow his hear about it. but why are women like that?

No wonder, I thought they're Christians. I don't like to advise non-believers on marriage issues, it'll sound foolish to their hearing. They're permitted to marry as many wives as possible for any reason whatsoever, maybe in looking for child or a male child. They believe marriage is exclusively instituted for child-bearing..of which it's just 1 out of the six purposes of marriage. But it's good that the man decided to get a room for her Mum.

I'm just a Yoruba man by natural birth, but I'm a new creation by new birth (that's why I said I'm a Christian). The mother-in-law coming is just a kind of honour to allow the woman see her grandchild, there's nothing more special about it. I will allow my mother-in-law during the period of child birth. She takes her leave soon after the christening of the baby. It's not appropriate for any of the in-laws to live with married couples without the man and woman reaching a consensus.

Talking about "one could marry a bad wife, but one should avoid having wicked in-laws", it's true only for those that are still living like a Yoruba people. That's why it is necessary that during courtship, the man and woman should both be born-again tongue-talking demon-binding believers who threaten the devil. By the time they got married in-laws will take their place and respect you for who you are. As long as it is my home, my decision stands. Let tradition stay with traditional people, if it's not in the Bible and God didn't say it, my brother let it remain undone.

I don't believe women are selfish, maybe the immature ones. Like I use to say, I'll never marry a baby irrespective of her age. Selfish women are those who still have the problem of placing more value over material things than human beings.

Guitarlife: Just say you are engaged. It's part of being straight forward and if you are not engaged then maybe you have a lot of work to do on your human relations.
It's not as if he is already asking for your in marriage. This is a christian who wants to be friends. If you are really single, not engaged or married and you think the way you think, I shudder at the doctrine that has made you this way.
You must think your partner will drop from heaven or maybe you attend a denomination that frowns at marrying other denominations ? I know something is just not right some where.
Where's my guitar by the way ?

how petty!!!What gives you the audacity to judge me?!!! You don't know jack about me so young man just shush already! Besides, it's btw me and Toba so why the 'skin pain?'....
hmmmmmm..... where is Toba?! Toba! Toba! Toba!.... Hold me oooooo! hold me oooooo..... before i give this young man upper-cut! lol ( see the smallie way one give upper-cut)
ok, make i leave am before he reports me to God!
Ermmmmmmmmmm..... Guitar, sorry o! Didn't know it's compulsory to hookup on this thread. I innocently contributed to the thread but it seems like my sincerity is attracting some sort of rudeness. No vex, I'll quietly leave the thread for those who are looking for husband since i now have a 'bad human relation' because i made it clear that am not here for a hookup. Sorry o my darling! before you get high blood pressure over wetin way no concern you!
Toba my dear, shey you can see how person don buy your market?! This my darling dey shack your panadol o! Abeg warn am before the young man take overdose.

*just passing, whistling 'i don talk am b4'*

justsmile:

how petty!!!What gives you the audacity to judge me?!!! You don't know jack about me so young man just shush already! Besides, it's btw me and Toba so why the 'skin pain?'....
hmmmmmm..... where is Toba?! Toba! Toba! Toba!.... Hold me oooooo! hold me oooooo..... before i give this young man upper-cut! lol ( see the smallie way one give upper-cut)
ok, make i leave am before he reports me to God!
Ermmmmmmmmmm..... Guitar, sorry o! Didn't know it's compulsory to hookup on this thread. I innocently contributed to the thread but it seems like my sincerity is attracting some sort of rudeness. No vex, I'll quietly leave the thread for those who are looking for husband since i now have a 'bad human relation' because i made it clear that am not here for a hookup. Sorry o my darling! before you get high blood pressure over wetin way no concern you!
Toba my dear, shey you can see how person don buy your market?! This my darling dey shack your panadol o! Abeg warn am before the young man take overdose.

lol. madam easy. Me i wan hook up. All the prayers being showered on singles every sunday must get answered some how.

Hope u have been cool too. Guitarlife, hope u're cool as well

[b][/b]

musKeeto:
At least you know I'm irreligious. But the highlighted is wrong.
Sex is enjoyed by everyone. But, how would you understand?

Dont forget the bible said marriage is honourable with the bed undefiled(Heb 13:4). So sex is a gift from God for the married alone

TV01: Greetings all.

I should have probably touched on the following point first.

When my thoughts first turned to marriage, my first question – probably driven a lot by some of the prevailing Christian - or should I say denominational? - thinking of the time was “Is it Gods will for me to marry?” This could probably be twinned with another question which goes something like this “Does God have a purpose for me that may preclude marriage?”

I agonised over this for a long time. I really wanted to hear/know if God had marriage in mind for me. This was despite my strong desire to be married. It was a long drawn-out period and one I suspect others have or are experiencing. As ever, I thank God I came out of it with deeper understanding, more mature and more solidly grounded. Actually I never actually heard, I understood.

My categorical position is the answer to that question is a resounding “Yes”! I clearly believe that the scriptures show that God made marriage for all, God expects it to be the norm ad it is the default for practically all men and women. So much so, that I believe Gods grace in marriage is beyond mere religion (not to suggest marrying outside one’s faith/worldview, as that will possibly present practical as well as spiritual issues).

Will there be exceptions? Certainly. If it’s God led, in such instances I would expect The Lord to be clear about this in how He ministers to you. Even God mandated preclusion may not be permanent, but rather for a season, until such purpose is served. And it will almost certainly be very clear and apparent why marriage is not expedient at that time. If you have the desire (and understanding) for it, expect, anticipate, prepare and embrace it. I don’t believe you need to ask for it.

The notion that God has some “super ministry” or “other worldly” purpose for us, is easily exaggerated in the minds of many and can lead to doubts and angst regards purpose. It is not helped by the “my ministry” concept prevalent in some institutionalised churches. Believe it or not, for most people and for the most part, Gods purpose - “your ministry” - will be quite mundane and centre primarily around family and immediate community.

Will there be those who because of their lifestyles, philosophies or situations are unable or unwilling too? Sure, but I see those as essentially contrary to Gods purpose. Indeed. I feel that marriage is one of the ways by which God can effect His purpose in us.

God bless
TV


And yes, one unmarried can give advice on marriage. There may be some particulars they would be best not to touch upon, or specifics that are off-limits, but having been on both sides of the divide, I see nothing wrong here.

TV01, I like ur previous post on this issue, bt for dis particular one, I disegree with u. I wuld want u to read mattew 19: 1-15, specifically 9-12. Wia jesus talked abt adultery and after which he said that marriage is not meant for everybody and he specifically said the reason why.

Are u Christ-centred,intellectually advanced chap of 27-35yrs,in search of a chic wif like attributes? Add me up- 28694AA9.

Kayzeetee: Are u Christ-centred,intellectually advanced chap of 27-35yrs,in search of a chic wif like attributes? Add me up- 28694AA9.

Mind u, its not everyone that has a BB. I dont have a BB and i might be interested

toba: Mind u, its not everyone that has a BB. I dont have a BB and i might be interested

If I dropped my phone no would you be interested too? if it doesn't work out would you return for another person?

Here's my annoyance. After dating, courtship or whatever you call it, why do men have the unreserved power to propose marriage? Asides culture, is it unbiblical for a woman to propose marriage to a man?

Also,i believe that singles shouldn't get carried away by love. We should be realistic and ask ourselves these questions:
What do I have to offer this man/woman?.
What do I require in return?(Whatever your standards maybe)
Can this man/woman meet my economic, financial,emotional,sexual even spiritual need?(of course abstinence is encouraged but there should be some sort of sexual attraction to guage the anticipated sexual satisfaction).
I believe these should be the foundation of every relationship and not love. Upon these, love can be built but upon love, It might be quite diffuclt to build all these.

Correct me if I am wrong.