That man will put MAGUN on you.Again he can even kill you if he sees you with your uncles or your cousins.Please what is his educational background?.It seems the man is a spareparts dealer at Ladipo.If i may ask why are you unequally yoked with a spare parts dealer who can easily kill you as the husband of the late female banker.

OP, as a man I would advise you to redefine your relationship with your fiance. Most successful relationships I've encountered (even if one party is cheating) is based on trust (sometimes blind) which gives both parties peace of mind.

Respect is also key, which brings me to the aspect that your fiance still has roving eyes (that's if he has stopped cheating on you) and can't connect in his mind why you don't (i.e. dig other guys/flirt). It all boils down to insecurity in his own part, lack of trust and lack of respect (because if he did, he wouldn't hack into your account).

There should be hard rules both of you shouldn't cross. Sit down with him and get these rules agreed. If he doesn't agree, then you know what to do.

I was in a relationship like this, but I didn't have the time or patience to be reassuring someone of something that should be clear as daylight (to steal with pride a NLders signature - Emi ori aye fun oshi joo (I don't have time for bullsh1t)).

That is the price you pay for succumbling to the societal pressure called marriage.
Do it only when you are ready and WITH THE RIGHT PERSON. From your story, all I can say is that both of you are strangers to each other. The foundation for every meaningful relationship is trust. You guys lack this major ingredient. No harm in calling for a postponement to see if things can get any better.

member_126910:

I think all advice is valid. We are all different people, and everyone would probably handle the situation differently based on their background and personality. To be honest, I'm prepared to work with him to resolve this problem, because this could do me also some serious damage if it has to end to save my life or for any serious reason. If it does, then I'm out for good. I'll probably never desire to marry anyone again, and sort out how to live my life by myself. I'm not desperate to marry, and I'm not scared of the prospect of being alone forever as long as I have my peace of mind.

i feel ur pain buh i want u to knw that as a human being we're meant to have flaws,shortcomings. Nobody is perfect,i believe he still possess good qualities so work on him. Its gonna be easy but with God u'll pull through.

member_126910:

I think all advice is valid. We are all different people, and everyone would probably handle the situation differently based on their background and personality. To be honest, I'm prepared to work with him to resolve this problem, because this could do me also some serious damage if it has to end to save my life or for any serious reason. If it does, then I'm out for good. I'll probably never desire to marry anyone again, and sort out how to live my life by myself. I'm not desperate to marry, and I'm not scared of the prospect of being alone forever as long as I have my peace of mind.

i feel ur pain buh i want u to knw that as human beings we're meant to have flaws,shortcomings. Nobody is perfect,i believe he still possess good qualities so work on him. Its gonna be easy but with God u'll pull through.

trix!:
So you say
1) this guy has cheated in ALL his past relationships, and you were NEVER intimate in any of your past relationships.





2) This guy is tracking every minute detail of your life, and you totally trust him, not minding his antecedents



3) His Cousin has stood up for you as a character witness, and the guy is very cunning..



You have painted this guy as a bad person, and made youself almost saint-like. I really do not know if you expect anyone to read this story, believe it and still stand up for this guy.

But I still think you must have seen something in this ‘bad guy’ to date and even accept his marriage proposal; Its normal to have Cold feet just before the wedding, sometimes blow things out of propotion. BUT if every single thing you typed up there is true, then the guy is paying for all his years of cheating… After all the real punishment of a lair isnt that his lie isnt believed, but that he CAN’T believe anything other people say.

1. I have been intimate in the past, but I have never gone all the way as I vowed to only do that with the person I would marry. I'm not a saint, things have just so happened that way, and this is one of the reasons why my previous relationships haven't lasted.
2. Yes, it sounds weird and I sound stupid, but I do trust him mostly. I believe that the past is in the past, and mistakes are mistakes.
3. His cousin basically just confirmed that her boyfriend told her that he met some girl on a flight who told him she was married. That girl turned out to be me, and I had already told him story, and the fact that I had to respond to him in this way, because I felt that he was trying to seduce me.

I'm not seeking for people to take sides - I'm just trying to understand where I stand, maybe if someone has been in a similar situation, they can offer advice on how they resolved the issue.

Your fiancé is an abuser and you can be guaranteed it will get worse when you are married. The chances of his constantly beating you after marriage are close to 100%. Don't believe for one second that what he is doing is out of love. It is NOT love! It is purely out of a need to control you and put you down. What he is doing is emotional and verbal abuse. it will soon escalate to physical abuse. The best and only right decision for you to make is to RUN away for your safety and sanity. I can GUARANTEE you that he will not change. This man will have no qualms beating you up daily when married. Are you ready to live like this or worse for the rest of your life? If the answer is yes, then by all means go ahead. If the answer is no, then you know what to do. There are better men out there and don't for one second believe that there aren't.

You don't need to work on this relationship, any relationship where you have to be reduced to a robot dummy to sustain it is not a healthy one. Why should you be the one making all these changes to keep the relationship, are you ready to spend the rest of your life changing yourself to keep him happy? Even if you delete all your male friends from your life, he will accuse you of sleeping with the pastor in church, with the meat seller at the market, with your co-worker or boss at work. Or is it possible you will never come in contact with any other man again for the rest of your life? He will always find a reason to accuse you of cheating.

Don't be fooled by his nice words and promises. Those are the classic things abusers do to maintain control over their victims.

You have seen the signs, you are having the right suspicions, you need to boldly follow through with what your instincts are telling you. Find your own God given man who will love you for who you are and not try to make you into a zombie so he will be happy.

The people advising you to run have rightly identified that this is an abuser, that's why they are warning you. It's not because they don't want you to have a 'man'.


Now visit this website and educate yourself about abusers and the traits they manifest. I promise you it will open your eyes. Here are some excerpts.

WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSER.

Before an abuser starts physically assaulting his victim, he typically demonstrates his abusive tactics through certain behaviors. The following are five major warning signs and some common examples:

Charm.
Abusers can be very charming. In the beginning, they may seem to be Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armor. He can be very engaging, thoughtful, considerate and charismatic. He may use that charm to gain very personal information about her. He will use that information later to his advantage.

For example; he will ask if she has ever been abused by anyone. If she says, "yes", he will act outraged that anyone could treat a woman that way. Then when he becomes abusive, he will tell her no one will believe her because she said that before and it must be her fault or two people would not have hit her.

Another example; he may find out she experimented with drugs in her past. He will then threaten that if she tells anyone about the abuse he will report her as a drug abuser and she will lose her children. The threat to take away her children is one of the most common threats abusers use to maintain power and control over their victims.

Isolation.
Abusers isolate their victims geographically and socially. Geographic isolation includes moving the victim from her friends, family and support system (often hundreds of miles); moving frequently in the same area and/or relocating to a rural area.

Social isolation usually begins with wanting the woman to spend time with him and not her family, friends or co-workers. He will then slowly isolate her from any person who is a support to her. He dictates whom she can talk to; he tells her she cannot have contact with her friends or family.

Jealousy.
Jealousy is a tool abusers use to control the victim. He constantly accuses her of having affairs. If she goes to the grocery store, he accuses her of having an affair with the grocery clerk. If she goes to the bank, he accuses her of having an affair with the bank teller. Abusers routinely call their victims a LovePeddler or a slut.

Emotional Abuse.
The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the victim's self-esteem. He blames her for his violence, puts her down, calls her names and makes threats against her. Over time, she no longer believes she deserves to be treated with respect and she blames herself for his violence. For some survivors of domestic violence, the emotional abuse may be more difficult to heal from than the physical abuse.

Control.
Abusers are very controlled and very controlling people. In time, the abuser will control every aspect of the victim's life: where she goes, how she wears her hair, what clothes she wears, whom she talks to. He will control the money and access to money. Abusers are also very controlled people. While they appear to go into a rage or be out of control we know they are very much in control of their behavior.

The following are the reasons we know his behaviors are not about anger and rage:

He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.

If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly “out of control” he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.

The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were “out of control” or “in a rage” he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

http://www.wcstjoco.org/blog/domestic-violence.html

Your fiancé is demonstrating ALL 5 signs of an abuser noted here. Please apply your mind, review this critically and I hope for your sake that you come to the right decision. Please visit that website, there is a lot more information there.

d fact dat u were a virgin at 25 to d point u met him should count 4 somthing, especially with regards to his paranoia. it is an attestation to d fact dat u can handle urself wen it comes to d opposite sex.
And u proved dat at the aiport, yet he wasnt convinced even tho he confirmed it thro an independent source. He is saying u should not hv had d converstion with him in d first place,dat if u had fancied him the story would hv been different tells of d fact dat he doesnt trust u even tho he say otherwise. As a woman whether married or not men will always come up 2 u, how r u goin to deal wit it to his SATISFACTION. Wats goin to happen wen an old skool mate, or cousin 4 an example, u hv not seen 4 a long time, sees u an embraces u?
His insecurities are deep rooted, its never goin to change no mata the kind of assurances u give him. If somebody is looking 4 an xcuse to get jealous, he is goin to get plenty. its like somebody is looking 4 an avenue 4 u to make a mistake, u'll defintely make one since u r not perfect.
d decision to leave or stay is urs, but d question u need to ask ur self is if u can deal with this 4 d rest of ur life? if u r already pissed by his actions now dat u r not married, would u b happy wit it wen u r married and it gets worse?
in 20 months u v not been able to convince him dat u will be faithful, how much more time would u need to do dat? remeber its just 2 months to ur wedding.

I hope it works at well 4 u wateva decision u make, cos again we might all b wrong. Guess we wont really kno till u get there. :LIFES A RISK.

Run.....or u'll be asking for advice on hw to divorce in 6 months. So save urself d heartache nd trauma nd dissolve d union nw

sauceEEP: u've said my mind. I just can't believe that some people are here advicin her to cal it quits.smh @op work on ur relationship and seek Gods direction. Dn't forget that the devil u knw may be better than the angel u dn't knw.

Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't know. Angel can never connote evil. #JustSaying#

Too many commas in the story- you dont actually look that innocent yourself though i could be wrong.


And did you say your fiance's cousin's boyfriend tried to chat you up?

Chat you up meaning what- date you or simply have a conversation with you?

One thing I can guarantee from a guy's point of view...HE IS CHEATING HIS A$$ OFF! I can swear on that.

Hence, he feels if he can get away with it and you are none the wiser, why not vice versa!

My dear pour out ur mind 2him or u call somebody he respect so much 2talk 2him withou third party ur partner wnt change and if he does'nt change tell him u guys shld postpone d weddin until u see changes in him. its not just easy 4u 2call it quit like dat, both parent has been preparin. Even u if not 4his jealousy u love him so much cos he care 4u think twice. Go 2good pastor explain 2him 4prayer if there wnt be problem in future or not. Am gettin married in a month's time me n my fiancee hadly talk in 2days due 2his work talkless we hav'nt seen for 2month now. Goodluck anyway

Truth is, things like these don't stop with marriage, It evolves and aggravates. He wouldn't trust you cos he himself is not trustworthy. I have seen this happen to a very close friend, who didn't heed the advice to break it before she gets broken. Now she's in torture day and night, and this doesn't stop the guy from going around her back, sleeping around. It is the height of selfishness and being self centred. I promise you, it doesn't get better. Even when you have with Kids, the kids will be victims of the same attitude of control. Think about 5, 10 years down the line. These kinda people even get aggressive when they're insecure. I've been a first-hand victim of this. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. Think twice.

Read carefully; For a marriage to b effective, there must be trust & respect.the two go togetha.Nw if ur man is caring with inch perfect personality dat evry girl wud die 4 bt doesn't trust u durin courtship,u're likely 2 be chained in marriage.u hav 2 options:
RUN AWAY- The Man shws hgh level of insecurity and doesn't accord u dat respect u need and deserve,its rubbish.look, u're a VIRGIN and u're bein treated lyk a SLUT...think.
secondly,FORCE RESPECT,U FORCE TRUST-see,I know u love him so u're goin 2 hav 2 change him.ur calm & quiet mood of followin hm aint workin, u hav to use fury & threats. threaten 2 back out, shout & complain wen he provokes u & find similar flaws to urs which he complains abt to complain,see if u luv him force d trust...and rememba if he doesn't see things ur way after d second option....here's a third:FLY FAR AWAY.

tpia@:
Too many commas in the story- you dont actually look that innocent yourself though i could be wrong.


And did you say your fiance's cousin's boyfriend tried to chat you up?

Chat you up meaning what- date you or simply have a conversation with you?

Please tell me where thee commas are. I understand that this is only one side of the story. I did mention that he is better thanhe was at the beginning, which makes me feel that he will change with time - even though people here are saying that people like that don't change. I probably don't look that innocent myself, you're right. This is why I'm trying to figure out WHAT is it that I'm doing? Where have I gone wrong? I only ever go to work - do I quit working and stay at home? This year, I have seen my close friends far less than often, and I spend all weekend with him. I put this down to "well, things have changed"

Yes - the guy in question probably didn't know who I was (and vice versa) and was staring all through the flight. After we landed, heh was waiting to talk to me so I thought he knew me, and responded when he said hi. He introduced himself, and when I picked up that he might have had other intentions i.e saying I looked nice, I told him I was married and walked off. So I don't think it was an innocent conersation on his part. Or maybe I have become paranoid.

member_126910:

Thanks for your solitary opinion.

that solitary opinion is where your soln lies. start by seeing yourself like any other person, by so doing, you will realize most of what ur fiancee is doing is normal.

you are only painting exergerations because of how you see yourself.

nobody can advise you right without hearing from him.

You may be concerned that the wedding preparations are already going on. That's fair enough, you are only human. However, marriage is not all about the wedding day. It is about the remaining 50 yrs or so of your life that you will both have to spend together. People have called off their weddings a week to it before for the right reasons. None of the people coming to eat and party at your wedding will suffer with you once you're in the marriage, you will have to face it all on your own.

Nobody is perfect in this world. Everyone has a fault or the other. That doesn't mean you should be abused because of it. There are men who will love you for you even with your faults and never abuse you so it is never about your faults when you're with an abuser. It is all about their twisted mentality.

Marriage is a serious business.He really will never change.A man who has never been faithful in any relationship probably might never be in marriage.This man might ruin your life with this attitude.He might even stop you from working when you marry him and make you dress shabbily so no one will admire.RUN while you still can.People get killed in fits of jelousy.MARRIAGE IS NOT A CHILD's PLAYOooooooooo!!!!!!!

Don't get too sentimental about him being your first.He is probably marrying U because it gives him some assurance that he is the only one that have seen your Promised Land,So you are his for keeps.Please don't come back posting for help in the marriage section if you marry this Control freak.No amount of assurance will make him secure.RUN, now that you can to avoid have I know.I am married and marriage is work enough without a control freak.HE WILL DRIVE YOU NUTS !!!!!!!!

Reading through your post, all I felt was deja vu. I swear I could have been the one writing this...

I left the guy in question. Immediately I made up my mind, I returned gifts, stopped picking calls, replying texts...I cut off all contact.

You can google (a) controlling men and (b) Pathological jealousy.

I don't have the time right now to talk/type, but if I will tell you anything, it's this: you would be making the greatest mistake of your entire life if you marry this guy!!

Please make the right choice. I've been there and I wouldn't wish this type of guy on my worst enemy.

Even when people say there's no perfect man, my dear, some men are still better than others. And this type of guy is the worst out of them all.

Don't be carried away by the charm, the fake chivalrousness, the pleas and the promises to change. Things will become 100% worse when you say 'I DO'....


The one I'm with now may not be an oil worker like my ex, he is not even as handsome. But I'm happy because he respects me as a woman and we have trust which is one of the foundations of every lasting relationship!!

MotOnyx: My dear pour out ur mind 2him or u call somebody he respect so much 2talk 2him withou third party ur partner wnt change and if he does'nt change tell him u guys shld postpone d weddin until u see changes in him. its not just easy 4u 2call it quit like dat, both parent has been preparin. Even u if not 4his jealousy u love him so much cos he care 4u think twice. Go 2good pastor explain 2him 4prayer if there wnt be problem in future or not. Am gettin married in a month's time me n my fiancee hadly talk in 2days due 2his work talkless we hav'nt seen for 2month now. Goodluck anyway

Sadly enough, these kinda people don't listen to ANYBODY! Even those they "respect". They will control everything and try to control everyone around you. And sadly again, it doesn't stop with ageing, they just kinda get worse. Guys like this, don't recognise respect and boundaries in relationships, be it friend to friend, father to children or what not. It worse if they'r Christians, cos now they try to justify evrythg they do and twist the Bible to suit their freakish attitude. And such a person will pretend to listen to a Pastor's advice and go on to carry on exactly what he wants to do. It gets worse. It's just that simple.

And you want to marry him, why?!

op why did you lied to him about going to work,,, why not tell him the truth of the thing you want to do.,,, one simple lie can make a man or woman distrust you... Think about it

I'm sorry but I have little confidence in our ability as human beings to completely turn over a new leaf after we are set in our ways. In essence once an abuser (no need to sugar coat things here) always an abuser. He's already made it clear to you that blood will spill if he caught you cheating and believe me that's a promise he will keep. I've worked with domestic violence victims and have seen how victims are killed by their abuser even after they have left them. A previous poster already listed the 5 signs of an abuser and he has all of that. Pls do not postpone the wedding. Just leave (I usually recommend communication but not in this case). It wud only get worse. The best thing you can do is be honest with urself. Once you are, you will know the right thing to do.
For your sake, I hope you do the right thing at least uve seen the signs not many ppl are that lucky.

@ OP.Ar u stil a virgin ?
U don't av to loose d 2 sides.
Anyway,u av printed ur I.V since it 2months to d DAY.so all other advice ar irrelevant.
U wud av said dis b4 now b4 it relationship go deep.
Best of luck

Meddler: I'm sorry but I have little confidence in our ability as human beings to completely turn over a new leaf after we are set in our ways. In essence once an abuser (no need to sugar coat things here) always an abuser. He's already made it clear to you that blood will spill if he caught you cheating and believe me that's a promise he will keep. I've worked with domestic violence victims and have seen how victims are killed by their abuser even after they have left them. A previous poster already listed the 5 signs of an abuser and he has all of that. Pls do not postpone the wedding. Just leave (I usually recommend communication but not in this case). It wud only get worse. The best thing you can do is be honest with urself. Once you are, you will know the right thing to do.
For your sake, I hope you do the right thing at least uve seen the signs not many ppl are that lucky.

Thumbs up 0/

hassymo5: op why did you lied to him about going to work,,, why not tell him the truth of the thing you want to do.,,, one simple lie can make a man or woman distrust you... Think about it

This happened after he followed me to church, confirming that he had his suspicions before then. I only lied because I didn't want to be disturbed, and I didn't want to hurt him by saying so. I agree it was very foolish for me to do, and a big mistake, but I didn't feel like I would be believed anyway.

Chrisbenogor: @OP
Every relationship is doomed to fail or to succeed. No advice here should make you end your relationship you need to sit down, think and try to make this work.
Let me first say this asides from that he is paranoid I think he cares enough to be paranoid, that's a positive. If you have not grilled him about his past then you need to do that now, not in an interrogatory way but more like a "I want to know what your story " way. You also need to learn to tailor your reactions to these things to work to your advantage, instead of surprise and disgust try laughing and reassuring.

I am saying all this because we all have one baggage or the other, I do not believe in condemning a relationship because of one problem. Sit with him, have this talk and make him understand you do not expect him to change overnight, but you would by your actions be willing to help him work through it. At some point he will cross the line and fully trust you, there are jealous people in the world who still have very good marriages. If you think he is worth it then you need to tackle the issue instead of sit back and expect him to "change" overnight.

Work on your relationship, not many people have got what you have.

these are exactly my thoughts...well done bro!

My Dear I know u are old enough to know what is right or wrong for u,when a man loves 100% he would not doubt. Your love for him or whenever his is not around,this Guy does not love u,if he did he will trust u.this is called obsession such Guy could kill a woman.u better discontinue that relationship,am married I know what am talking about.

U guys shld c a marriage counsellor after which u run away from d relationship cos d guy won't change.the distrust has eaten deep into his system so my dear run cos its going to get worse.loving him is out of d question think of ur future happiness. He could b a psycopath