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chaircover: Kobo I agree, what is happening to this woman is wrong, but I am sure you agree that not everyone is cut out to be assertive. . . .people are different and what may come naturally to some people may take much much much longer for others.

I don't agree with you. Everyone is REQUIRED to be assertive in a situation like this, UNLESS you are one who likes to be taken a dump on. @Sisikill put it best when she said . . .

Sisi_Kill: If some would rather be garbage for everyone and their mama to dump on, then go ahead. . .be all that you can be, God's speed etc just don't try to act like it is impossible to demand to be treated like a human being.

that

Here in the US, people say things like "Don't get in my personal space", and that means something really, even to the spineless beings out there. In this woman's case, her PERSONAL SPACE has been violated - the one space she has as her own in all of the world has been violated -- what more is there for her to do? Continue to sit back doing accepting the abuse in her own personal space? Even a dog(no matter how tiny and weak) will not let that continue. How much more a married woman with children and a home to protect?

chaircover: For me this is not about bearing the mrs badge at all costs because the MIL is going to run her out of the marriage eventually one day anyway, but I am more concerned about her general wellbeing if she launches a half hearted attack on the MIL and the MIL calls her bluff.

You claim to be concerned about her well-being, and so I am led to ask you how well she feels after each pummeling by the MIL? If she is going to have a heart-attack wouldn't it be as a result of the continuous damage done her by the MIL to date? Or are you suggesting that when humans fight back(against that which has been causing them harm), they are more likely develop heart problems?

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chaircover:

But she is not assertive or able to stand up for herself Kobo. . . .and that is why she has sat and accepted this for over 4 years. I haven't got any other answer than to tell her to get someone to help her if for whatever reason she hasn't got the balls to do it herself.

You and I both know that this should have been stopped from day one but unfortunately it didn't, so where do we go from here?

As a long as you are a higher animal, you are born with ability to be assertive and ability to stand up for yourself. Unless you are lower than a monkey, and no, humans are even higher than the gorilla. So, as long as she is equipped with a brain, two hands and legs, she can stand up for herself if she wants to. She did stand on her wedding day? or did she lie down on that day?

Let's deal with reality please . . . even folks in crazy people homes know how to fight when their is need for it. That it did not stop from day one does not then mean she cannot act at all. As long as she has breath in her, she has the chance to fight back. If she continues to allow her fear of loosing her MRS badge, which is usually the reason why many women in marriages don't fight back, she will probably continue to accept suffering . . however, let us hope that the day she breaks, no one dies. This is how murders happen.

chaircover:

From the little I know about human nature. You either call the bullys bluff or they carry on bullying you and more. She needs to be 100% ready to do what she needs to do and like I said earlier, any half hearted actions is just a waste of time.

Every human being is born ready. From the child who goes stealing meat out of his mother's pot, to the woman who allows herself be made a punching bag for a man in the name of Love. They all know that for every action, there is a reaction. In many cases, many let the fear of the unknown(what will happen next) paralyze them and so remain in a rut for longer than is necessary. However, many outgrow the fear and reach the point where they say "F**K IT", only when they reach that stage, we hope that they do not end up doing even worse than is necessary e.g killing the bully.

'Personal space' works effectively when the other party understands what you're talking about... I mean when she actually gets IT and that's what is called IGNORANCE ! You will never see an educated and a reasonable MIL do this .

Even when you ask a mentally challenged person to move and not get in your personal space .... after few attempts if he doesn't listen that's when you need to use your non violent crisis intervention (wisdom in other words) .... And you have to be equipped and trained to do that and to succeed .... or else all emergency personnel will be involved at the end of the day.

Nobody is saying she shouldn't fight..., but can she?

Really? My Personal Space only works when others know what it means to encroach on My Personal space? Out sense of personal space comes from the animal side of us . . Animals attack when you encroach on their personal space so humans as animals do the same. So does this idea of yours also work with dogs, Snakes, Lions, etc. Do they only bite you when they are clear you understand their personal space?? We are working with genius here!

Madam CC if she was okay with the "I must continue to suffer in silence as a good daughter in law"mentality she won't be here asking for help.
Kobo has given her advice from the first page. Let her stand up for herself, she is the one living in that hell not the husband. She is already in pain and hell, standing up for herself could also lead to hell but this time they are on the same level playing field not one pissing on the other

Doesn't sound like the woman concerned is fed up yet - if she's fed up, she will either face the MIL herself or pester the husband till the point of death for him to deal with his mother. She doesn't even need to be aggressive or confrontational - she should know her husband by now and should know what to do to get him to act.

Yes we need to handle in-laws carefully, but there is a limit - that limit is different for each individual. Some react at the first sign of trouble and some are more willing to wait and 'endure' in the hope that something will change - if she's reached her limit, she will act one way or the other. Either through her husband or directly with the MIL.

Don't twist my words kobo...I will explain again and that's why I use the simplest words on NL... hehehe this is what I eat and drink so dont lecture me

Personal space is only effective when the other party understands it ... or else you will just be trying with no yield.or else fight to achieve it.

Invading a lions personal space? That's even a very good example..... I am human and he's an animal , only the zoo/ safari personnel will know what their personal space is cos they get it , and if I don't he rips me apart !

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jidegirl12: Don't twist my words kobo...I will explain again and that's why I use the simplest words on NL... hehehe this is what I eat and drink so dont lecture me

Personal space is only effective when the other party understands it ... or else you will just be trying with no yield.or else fight to achieve it.

Invading a lions personal space? That's even a very good example..... I am human and he's an animal , only the zoo/ safari personnel will know what their personal space is cos they get it , and if I don't he rips me apart !

Stop with the bull theories! Personal space . . . everyone has em . . . even prisoners in prison have em. Animals have em. QUIT ALREADY!!

chaircover: Sorry I missed kobos advise.

I may be wrong o! but if she really was going to stand up for herself she would have done it a long tine ago and she wouldn't be asking for advise from a friend 4 years down the line. 4 years is a very long time to be treated like this.

[size=14pt]
gbuo!!!![/size]

Kobojunkie:

Stop with the bull theories! Personal space . . . everyone has em . . . even prisoners in prison have em. Animals have em. QUIT ALREADY!!

What bull theories ? You are the one twisting my posts ! I NEVER QUIT! It's not a competition it's just a discussion! Take a chill pill.

davidylan:

Abi o bros. Even me as a man, i am learning new things. Some of the things our sisters have to put up with is incredible. I cant imagine a FIL coming to my own home to harass me, that man will be looking for his slippers on the street before he can count to 3.

LORD have mercy; this is soooooooooo funny, hehehehehehe.

The first step to action is admiting there is a problem and seeking solutions which is what she is doing. So if she hasn't stood up for herself in 4 years she should continue to stay and whine and "endure"? Lol.
Its just like saying if I didn't leave an abusive marriage for 3 years then I wouldn't leave now.
Some times people test their limits and as hausa people will say "dobon ka ya cika" meaning if you keep being wicked to someone one day your lot will be full and that person will shock you.
Nothing wrong with deciding to stand up even if you have been bullied for 50 years.

chaircover: Debrief, I am assuming that your post is in response to what I said . . . . .

NO ONE IS TELLING HER TO ENDURE!!!!

What I have said from the onset is to think very carefully on what she whats to do and if she cant do it alone and needs help she should ASK for it!!!!

She is not a child but a married adult with children. If she has not done any of what you mentioned above by now, then she needs instead to be institutionalized. In fact I would act that any traces of her DNA be done away with so imbe_cility of that kind not be allowed to continue to freely exist in the global DNA/gene pool.

chaircover:

Lool . . . .meaning?

That is me expressing disbelief . .. I mean in all I know of the human race, one thing I know for a fact is people can endure even hell for years and some even die in it. That does not then make the hell alright and certainly does not mean that they will never act, if 4 years has passed.

chaircover: ^^^^^ never said she will never act . . . she may not just act in the way that you expect/think.

Its just a shame that we have all these long discussions here and people rarely come back and give us updates.

My gut feeling tells me that she will either go along with a feeble attempt at putting MIL in her place and it will all go wrong or she will stop protecting her husband and MIL and get her people involved.

I wish her all the best sha . . .cos it cant be easy for her, especially with her husband being in cuckooland and letting her go through all of that and without protecting her.

I have no expectations of her as a person. Like someone said, she is the one complaining and so she needs to be the one to initiate Change, and like someone else already said, it is possible she has not reached her wits end . .. . heck, she may even accept that suffering is her lot in life. At the end of the day I know I am still dealing with the Nigerian mentality that somehow woman are born to suffer at the hands of inlaws after marriage.

Whatever she does, it is her LOT IN LIFE. What irks me more in all this is the claim by some that because they are Nigerian wives, somehow it is IMPOSSIBLE to change the situation they find themselves in. That mentality is not only wrong but defeatist.

Kobojunkie:

What irks me more in all this is the claim by some that because they are Nigerian wives, somehow it is IMPOSSIBLE to change the situation they find themselves in. That mentality is not only wrong but defeatist.

I haven't read anybody quoted the impossibility to change the situation , I just don't get you , you pick and chose what you want in a post ... what few of us are saying that you don't like to hear is how difficult it is to fight this battle on her own ...... Whether is chose to accept being a failure lies with her.... she is a grown adult and she's not dumb.

I don't have a troubled marriage nor MIL or any in laws for that matter and thank goodness for that cos GOD knows I will just leave cos I don't like any form of violence, its just not who I am, I'd rather be alone and cozy with my dog and my kids than coupled with some old woman chugging down my throat and critic me for nothing .

still it's not all peachy like a movie ... we learn everyday from people's experiences,

It's not a competition , it's just a discussion.

Kobojunkie:

She is not a child but a married adult with children. If she has not done any of what you mentioned above by now, then she needs instead to be institutionalized. In fact I would act that any traces of her DNA be done away with so imbe_cility of that kind not be allowed to continue to freely exist in the global DNA/gene pool.

hahahahahaha.....U just gotta love Kobo!

Interesting discourse ladies