By Bisi Olawunmi

If you are observant enough, you will notice him in markets - an ageing, cosmopolitan gentleman haggling with the market woman pricing pepper, fish, okro and vegetable oil. His age, generally 50 and above. At other times, you see him in the high brow areas of major cities doing his shopping at the mall. If he is no longer in paid employment, he spends much of his time at the Club house. There is a club patronised by such elderly live-alone men in old Bodija in Ibadan. He lives a relatively quiet life at home – no chattering or running around of children. Except, perhaps, for the occasional female visitor, that is for those still with libido, the house environment has an unnerving serenity. The above scenario typifies the changing times for the family set-up, especially for fathers in middle and upper class families in Nigeria. The ageing Nigerian husband and father is facing a silent revolt – a gang-up against him by wives and children who have chosen to remain abroad. The irony of it all is that it is the successful husbands and fathers who are mostly in this bind. Men took different routes to this common destination of loneliness in their twilight years. Many had travelled abroad, often to Europe, the US and Canada in their youth in search of the golden fleece, got married either to fellow Nigerians or ladies in their countries’ of residence, acquire higher education, raise families and look forward to a life of bliss thereafter. While some returned home immediately after their education, others stayed back to also get their children educated before returning home. Some went abroad as employees of government agencies or international organisations with their families or raised families at their duty posts and either returned after their tenure or stayed back. Some men returned while the wives stayed back – different strokes. We have a large number of stay-back wives in Maryland, New York and Atlanta, all in the US, among others. There is a third category of those who went abroad under the US Visa lottery. In all, going abroad were happy moments, then, and in some cases, all the children of many couples ended up going abroad. Many fathers of such children are no longer smiling. Yet, the rush to America and Europe continues.

With Nigeria’s worsening economic problems, those who never came back stayed put while the problems forced the children of many returnees back to the countries where many are citizens. Meanwhile, the returnee parents are getting older as well as those who never went abroad but had children there. The returnees and the locals are now in the same boat. In their active, younger days, many parents travelled abroad on vacations to see their children. Now retired or approaching retirement age, many parents are either financially or physically not able to make the journeys again, while some refused to visit to protest the children’s non reciprocation.

Then, the music changed, bringing about current woes of many men, in spite of some putting a bright face to it. This time, wives started travelling abroad, ostensibly to help take care of their grand children abroad. That was when husbands’ problems began. You would think there was a National Conference for Diaspora-bound Grandmothers at which a road map was distributed. This is because experiences of many marooned husbands are similar: initially when the first grandchild is born, the wife travels abroad and spends about three months. She returns home, spends about nine months to a year and when the second grandchild is born, she either spends six months or stays back permanently. For those who come back after the second trip, the third is for a permanent stay.

Welcome to the phenomenon of the husband ‘bachelor’. What I have found amazing about this category of men living alone, following their wives’ relocation abroad, is that many are not contemplating taking a second wife. Even those in their early 50s who are still randy avoid serious relationships while those who contract temporary marriages soon abandon the venture. I was to learn that the decision against taking a second wife, for many, is generally financially based, given the rising cost of education. “How do you expect me to start training a child from kindergarten at this age”, noted a 60-year-old Ibadan resident whose wife and children are in the US. He says he draws inspiration from more elderly people who are in their 70s and in similar situation. He, however, concedes that he feels the absence of his family most during festive seasons when the loneliness hits him. Some not so solvent again take consolation in the dollars and pound sterling from their Diasporan children. Even then, not all are so lucky. It’s a matter of different strokes. There are those who take in house helps, often with unpleasant experiences. An oil company retiree with a big house in upscale Lekki area of Lagos said house helps can be so unappreciative of your assistance and can walk out on you anytime. He narrated an episode where the driver threw the car key at him in the middle of nowhere, knowing that he had not driven for a long time. A common concern among elderly husbands living alone is the health hazard, the dread of falling ill in the middle of the night with no one to assist. There was the story of a man in the Alagbole area of Ogun State who had died three days before the door was forced open when he did not attend a Tuesday church meeting. Many ‘single’ husbands say their wives are always persuading them to come over, that the wives wonder why the husbands choose to stay in the hell hole called Nigeria. Although a few claim they enjoy cooking, many of the live-alone husbands say they don’t find it funny going to the market. Some husbands follow their wives abroad. According to a FESTAC Town, Lagos resident,” When the second invitation came for my wife to come to London, I told my son he has to send tickets for two, that I can’t stay back again”. After six months, they returned home, but when the wife was to go for the third and extended stay, he declined following. “I find it very boring”, he lamented. There are some husbands who refused to allow their wives travel abroad to help take care of their grandchildren. One such husband insists: Why should they take my wife away, I raised them, they too must raise their own children.

The problem of absentee wives and lonely husbands is part of an overall trend of separation in the family. Economic factor, especially employment, has also contributed to the dispersal of the family, even at local level where, for example, a husband works in Lagos and the wife in Abuja, with dire consequences for family cohesion. Prof. Adelani Ogunrinde, a former Vice-Chancellor, National University of Lesotho, while delivering the Second Commencement Lecture of Bowen University, Iwo on October 16, 2008, highlighted, almost in lamentation, this phenomenon of the dispersed family using his family as an example: He lives in Lesotho, the wife in Abuja and the children in North America. He died about two years later, with the family still dispersed.


http://www.punchng.com/opinion/as-wives-relocate-abroad-husbands-turn-bachelors/

I find this article very interesting, even though a long read. May I suggest it be moved to the front page?

The article makes for a good read but what is the point

This is sth becoming rampant are you advocating for husbands not to leave their wives or children abroad or they shd follow their family abroad or they shd marry second wives to help with the loneliness

What's the point



Or is it front page u want

Interesting! I see the reason why my Dad is very difficult to talk to allowing my mum for omugo!
Even when he permits her, 1 or 2 wks later, you hear him calling always complaining of hunger and sickness.
Stingy man!

biolabee: The article makes for a good read but what is the point

This is sth becoming rampant are you advocating for husbands not to leave their wives or children abroad or they shd follow their family abroad or they shd marry second wives to help with the loneliness

What's the point



Or is it front page u want

There is a lesson to be learnt in this story. Read it and understand the message underneath.

Vikin: Interesting! I see the reason why my Dad is very difficult to talk to allowing my mum for omugo!
Even when he permits her, 1 or 2 wks later, you hear him calling always complaining of hunger and sickness.
Stingy man!

When ur pikin grow and born pikin
Your hubby go gree make you comot?


Tony spike the point is that what assertion does this write up make
Sorry I can't see it anywhere

This is very true. My Mum went for an Omugwo and my Dad was always complaining. i had to implore my Mum to please go home and stay with your husband. sometimes i think about these things and it gives me concern. God help me to marry such a woman that will want to spend her old age with me and not the type that is abroad frick.

This is what happens when you are not fun to be with and you leave the endearment of the kids to their mum, because you are the 'man of the house' and cannot be caught dead doing 'certain things'. Maybe this would be a lesson to the young men that forget one day they'd grow old and frail, lol.

hmm, well too late to do anything about it now.

been going on for long.

biolabee:

When ur pikin grow and born pikin
Your hubby go gree make you comot?


Tony spike the point is that what assertion does this write up make
Sorry I can't see it anywhere

Chaircover just did justice to my point of view. These situation, though now rampant, speaks volume of the defective growing marriage years of couples. This comes back to haunt them at their old age...

chaircover: I started reading the article and even thought it was referring to London Daddys.

This is a big problem and it needs to be looked into. Go to Peckam on a Saturday morning and you will see heaps and heaps of sixty something old daddy's buying hanging chicken and haggling over cow tail.

As retirees the couple should be doing daddy and mummy all over the place, but there are so many of them living solo lives. Why? Could it be that they spent all of their married years looking after their children and became so embroiled in the stresses of life that they didnt really have time to bond together as a couple and so as soon as the children grew up and flew the nest, the couple dont really enjoy each others company and then decide to live separate lives?

The problem with this is that Many of the grandmas who go and sit in their children houses, end up causing kata kata in these homes and I have heard time after time of marriages breaking up after mama came to live with them. Mama is the one who will see all the things that the husband or wife didnt see and with a snide remark here and a comment there, before one knows it, wahala don start in that home.

Moral of the story . . . always try and bond with your husband and wife and be their best friend so that when the kids leave home you are still left with a friend that you can talk and relate to.

Madam CC I don't get your point

Are you condemning the practice whereby mothers came to stay with their daughters say in the event that the girl put to bed or is the long term staying with the family you are pointin to

Also even so called bonded couples grow apart due to no fault of any one
What will you say in a westernised couple who have lived abroad all their live and the man says he wants to come and live in that backward nigeria

Should the woman also follow suit to come n suffer with kidnappers, no light, etc

Tony Spike: By Bisi Olawunmi


With Nigeria’s worsening economic problems,

What I have found amazing about this category of men living alone, following their wives’ relocation abroad, is that many are not contemplating taking a second wife. Even those in their early 50s who are still randy avoid serious relationships while those who contract temporary marriages soon abandon the venture.

http://www.punchng.com/opinion/as-wives-relocate-abroad-husbands-turn-bachelors/

The one about them not taking second wives and having kids is very very untrue. Especially for the young ones. A lot of women have been abandoned abroad with their kids by young husbands. My uncle even had a kid sef, no one taught the wife before she reappeared and started fighting the other women. She eventually died of stress. It is okay to visit but not to disappear and abandon your husband. Most of these guys have kids scattered all over, who keep them company. Dont be fooled abeg. Especially the older ones. It is when they die all the surprises appear. No one likes to be left alone. It is the woman that left her husband that loses in the end. As her kids will soon ask for their space, and another woman may have taken over in Nigeria. Living abroad for older people can be very lonely. When she decides to return, she may not find it the same.

What drives this issue is economic hardship of Nigeria. This is mostly common with those who grew up comfortable and since Nigeria has gotten worse even for the comfortable, after retirement they all disappear. My mum never left my dad sha. Though she would visit, but she was never out of her house for more than a month.

I don't even subscribe to leaving your spouse behind atall, wherever I go , we go together, old age is very important , go to old folks home / retirement homes and see 50+ grandmas ( not widowed yet o), they are the most frustrated/ bitter client

jidegirl12: I don't even subscribe to leaving your spouse behind atall, wherever I go , we go together, old age is very important , go to old folks home / retirement homes and see 50+ grandmas ( not widowed yet o), they are the most frustrated/ bitter client

For real. My aunt was one bitter woman. She was so ridiculous in her old age. After leaving the man and abandoning him for years. He went and had a son, very brilliant boy like this who made him so proud. Totally forgot about his kids and wife. If you see the woman,she turned to area mama as soon as she got back, fighting everyone. Because that boy stood to inherit with her only son. No one in the family was allowed to help the boy sef, otherwise you become enemy of progress. Now she is dead, and the man is still enjoying his child and baby mama. SMH.

You should see them complaining everyday it drives me nuts and the men, awww you feel sorry for them I swear not cool being lonely sis no matter how rich you are.

That's why it's very important to chose the right partner for LIFE.

How are you sis?

yes o. Many examples abound especially the young ones. Most have 2families. One abroad, and one in Nigeria. E.g. Mercy Johnson saga and the very many "Nigerian" wives...aka K1 the ultimate and his harem. Most have been abandoned or dumped for refusing to relocate. Abeg, women should shine their eyes. If you married a man in Nigeria, you better go back and sit down in your house. What are you relocating for at 70 or even over 25 for with kids. To start where?. Which kain job you wan do? In this harsh economic times, how long can you rely on your kids who have their own problems and responsibilities? At least in Nigeria, family is around, and both of you can go around visiting friends and gossiping into old age. SMH.

Am good, love. You?

chaircover:

I am saying that couples should invest in each other and not to be too carried away by the stresses of daily life because there will come a time when they will need to be friends again

As per grandma coming to help look after new additions to the family, that is a great thing and I fully subscribe to that, but it should only be for a short period of time and not permanent or long term.

In answer to your second question, where there is genuine love, the couple will not want to be apart be it in Afghanistan or Malibu Beach and over the years, they would have both come to an agreement of where they want to spend their retirement.

Good we got that out of the way

I like your last statement but it could be idealistic at times

A man who has lived 40 years abroad could just wake up and say
I want to go home and not be buried in another mans land

Some people came home for burials, reunions etc and just did not feel like going back to the west again
What do you say about that one

hmmm.. well that is admirable

its just that some people have this lust for home especially after so many years in the foreign land


But this attibute is primarily due to people who want better opportunities for their kids

Now people send their families to australia, canada etc to get a better life for their kids
The wives dont want to come back after all this years

I smirked all through reading this piece.
Vivid description..i tell you!!
So many of those single husband around you can't help but feel sorry for them..
Its a problem with no solution per se and cannot really be forestalled except for the few who weren't just a couple but have been friends of each other over the years

slimyem: I smirked all through reading this piece.
Vivid description..i tell you!!
So many of those single husband around you can't help but feel sorry for them..
Its a problem with no solution per se and cannot really be forestalled except for the few who weren't just a couple but have been friends of each other over the years

i am sorry but there is a flawed assumption in your statement
That this couples are not friends that is why they bundled their wife abroad

I have a senior uncle who won a green card and sent his wife/kids abroad because he works in an oil coy
I have another friends uncle who when the kids went to school (bsc) the wife moved abroad to provide as a ward to the kids

these people love their families. Some of you commenting, your parents did same. now its the parents dont love each other

because youve been opportuned to get stay abroad
If you were in naija here u would do the same

i am sorry but there is a flawed assumption in your statement

get used to it, there always is.

Those people in your examples are older generation, agreed there are useful methods to adopt from older generations and some to scrap for good. Times have changed and that's why new generations do most things differently. Mind you different strokes .

I understand @ biola your uncle and the other example pointed out in your post but sincerely do you really know what goes behind closed doors and what their struggles as a result of that way of life?

Solo Hunting for uncertain greener pastures & securing a better future for your kids in white mans land on the brink of losing the love of your life and eventually your happiness( with these mean daughter in laws esp if you have a son) hummmm is it worth it ?

jidegirl12: Those people in your examples are older generation, agreed there are useful methods to adopt from older generations and some to scrap for good. Times have changed and that's why new generations do most things differently. Mind you different strokes .

I understand @ biola your uncle and the other example pointed out in your post but sincerely do you really know what goes behind closed doors and what their struggles as a result of that way of life?

Solo Hunting for uncertain greener pastures & securing a better future for your kids in white mans land on the brink of losing the love of your life and eventually your happiness( with these mean daughter in laws esp if you have a son) hummmm is it worth it ?

Besides(i know i might get attacked)why do people want to burden child rearing on aged grandparents?Have they not already gone through the hassles of parenting once before? Yes,grandparents help out but IMO( i clarify MY OPINION)except for some reasons i.e death,illnesses or unforeseen circumstances i think Parents should do the heavy lifting while grandparents help out occassionally as we all need a break.Most times in the west,its cheap childcare.I know if my dad was alive,lai lai he will not agree,get an au pair or whatever my wife is not a nanny.

I get it all the time,tell your mum to come and stay now this nur fees you are paying are ridiculous ehn at least you can save more that way.My answer is thank you but no thank you even though Daddy is no more,my mum has a life apart from being my nanny.My mum has raised her own kids let me raise mine

jidegirl12: Those people in your examples are older generation, agreed there are useful methods to adopt from older generations and some to scrap for good. Times have changed and that's why new generations do most things differently. Mind you different strokes .

I understand @ biola your uncle and the other example pointed out in your post but sincerely do you really know what goes behind closed doors and what their struggles as a result of that way of life?

Solo Hunting for uncertain greener pastures & securing a better future for your kids in white mans land on the brink of losing the love of your life and eventually your happiness( with these mean daughter in laws esp if you have a son) hummmm is it worth it ?

will i call them that old
I have colleague and friends (late 30s and early 40s) who are doing this
Some of my peers are doing this
well i dont know what goes on behind closed doors truly which iswhy i asked the OP what was the purpose of the thread

Is he condemning the practice or narrating what has come to be

For you guys who are abroad, some of you also have single income households, let me push it to you

So if there is a job in France or even Naija will you move your family
Anyone that can answer me honestly then i wil agree with this assertion

damiso:

Besides(i know i might get attacked)why do people want to burden child rearing on aged grandparents?Have they not already gone through the hassles of parenting once before? Yes,grandparents help out but IMO( i clarify MY OPINION)except for some reasons i.e death,illnesses or unforeseen circumstances i think Parents should do the heavy lifting while grandparents help out occassionally as we all need a break.Most times in the west,its cheap childcare.I know if my dad was alive,lai lai he will not agree,get an au pair or whatever my wife is not a nanny.

I get it all the time,tell your mum to come and stay now this nur fees you are paying are ridiculous ehn at least you can save more that way.My answer is thank you but no thank you even though Daddy is no more,my mum has a life apart from being my nanny.My mum has raised her own kids let me raise mine

Some of the people that do this, the kids are university age

A friends uncle (big banker boy) has hos family in canada wiht the wife
So its not about grandmother looking after the kids

what i want is practical points

Mr X has money and can relocate his family
he wants a better life for his kid and can afford it
Does it mean he does not love his wife as some people are making it sound

@damiso, I just don't get it seriously
My mom has never her entire life backed a baby or changed a nappy/ diapers and my Dad, I had to lecture him the importance of bonding with grandkids rather than just sending them material stuff after his repeated inquiry about just 1wk weather forecast prior his visit. So you're wasting your time calling them for help
They have a life too!

biolabee:

Some of the people that do this, the kids are university age

A friends uncle (big banker boy) has hos family in canada wiht the wife
So its not about grandmother looking after the kids

what i want is practical points

Mr X has money and can relocate his family
he wants a better life for his kid and can afford it
Does it mean he does not love his wife as some people are making it sound

I dont think thats the age group or sub set the article was talking about.Of course i know loads of people doing what you described.I have an aunty who was quite comfortable in Nigeria and they moved here when the kids were in their mid teens for education.Her husband has a thriving business back in Nigeria so they both shuttle back and forth.

I personally will go back to Nigeria with my hubby if he gets a good job and look for something to do there as well.Is it not people that live in Nigeria?Did i not grow up in Nigeria?I dont want want to be a married single mother.Wo lets leave all the razzmataz,you can have a bright future in Nigeria too ojare .Me am ruth abokoku. .



I do know couples have to live apart sometimes,it cant be helped sometimes.But if it can be helped i dont think it should be for very very long periods.Long distance in any sort of relationship is alot of hardwork.Possible but hardwork.And i have done it before so maybe thats why am not too keen.

tpia@:


get used to it, there always is.

biolabee:

will i call them that old
I have colleague and friends (late 30s and early 40s) who are doing this
Some of my peers are doing this
well i dont know what goes on behind closed doors truly which iswhy i asked the OP what was the purpose of the thread

Is he condemning the practice or narrating what has come to be

IMO I think OP is doing the latter

I can bet you 5k your peers are not alone in bed most nights in Nigeria, e easy?

For example; I have a very good friend , he talks about his wife & kids 24/7, could you believe he had a kid with a Somali lady and they're on clear terms bout their status in the relationship. He calls her his baby mama and they spend almost everytime together except Nigerian gatherings to respect his wife, mind you bros came with his Blue passport, while his wife is jolosying away in Nigeria mansion.

Like my fav slang - it's official

biolabee:
For you guys who are abroad, some of you also have single income households, let me push it to you

So if there is a job in France or even Naija will you move your family
Anyone that can answer me honestly then i wil agree with this assertion

I've had a rosy job offer in Australia that I refused.
My hubby got a pay-cut because of his family too.

To answer your question sincerely; Absolutely, we go places together.