I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth fairy etc.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that shit anymore, thank God.

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during o'r'ga'sm.

10 reasons why beer is better than religion...

1. You can prove you have a beer

2. there are laws saying beer labels can't lie to you

3. you don't have to wait 2000+ years for another beer

4. nobody's ever been burned, hanged or tortured over his brand of beer

5. when you have a beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away

6. they don't force beer on minors, who can't think for themselves

7. no beer has ever caused a major war

8. beer doesn't tell you how to bleep

9. no one will kill you for not drinking beer

10. if you've devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop

I was thinking about becoming an atheist but I thought, "D'AMN it, you don't get any holidays."

Why don't Catholics use condoms?

Because little boys can't get pregnant

A Catholic boy lying is seriously injured after being hit by a car outside a church.
A man runs to him and says, "Would you like me to fetch a priest, my son?"
The boy replies, "Can't you see I'm fucking dying? S'e'x is the last thing on my mind."

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I told a lie just to earn some money."

"Christ will forgive you, remember to put money into the donation box."

The Catholic Church are against gay sex because it's unnatural.

Yeah, and walking on f'u'c'king water isn't?

NTA News: Magic mushrooms used 6,000 years ago

Is that why Adam and Eve saw a talking snake?

Why does the Bible rant on about how wrong incest and homosexuality are?

With Adam and Eve dumped in the garden of Eden with just two sons, they weren't exactly left with many options, were they?

And Moses looked upon the Lord and said ... "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off OUR WHAT!"

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon.

You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, shit on the board and strut around triumphantly.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian recommends the Qur'an.

Following my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an, and the large number of private messages from Muslim members of this site that followed it, I would like to make the following statement:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

The customer says, "Female"

The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

The customer says, "White"

The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My wife treats me like a god...

She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

"I'm going to create man and woman with original sin. Then I'm going to impregnate a woman with myself as her child, so that I can be born in human form. Once alive, I will kill myself as a sacrifice to myself. To save you from the sin I originally condemned you to. Ta dah!"

God - master of logic since the beginning of time.

According to the bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

Anyone think that we could be following the wrong guy?

Some people turn to God, me, I turn to whisky. I don't see any difference, my life is still being guided by a spirit.

A teacher spotted little Johnny drawing pictures.
She asks, "What are you drawing?"
"I'm drawing God," little Johnny replies.
The teacher paused and then says, "But nobody knows what he looks like."
"They will in a minute," he replies.

God decided he needed a holiday.

One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," said God, "I went there 10,000 years ago and suffered from the most terrible sunburn."

Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied, "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my holy arse off."

A third advisor suggested Earth. "That's the worst suggestion yet!" remarked God, angrily. "I went there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of knocking up some s'tu'pid Jewish b'i'tch!"

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, c'u'nt!" And I pushed him over.

I was in church the other day and in the middle of a prayer the lady next to me lit up a cigarrette!
I was so shocked I nearly dropped my beer.

I have recently got my 12th follower on Twitter.
I know it doesn't sound much but it is the same amount as Jesus had and he turned out alright.

A Match Made in Heaven...

On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

I feel sorry for all those children in heaven.

Just think of all the Catholic priests up there!

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Church of England."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Catholic."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The next man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "The Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, they think they're the only ones here."

I missed a Jehovah's Witness at the front door this morning, which was a odd as I thought I had a clear shot

Next time a Jehovah Witness comes knocking on your door, tell them you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back.
When they explain that they cannot give out their home number, you say,
"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
They will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel! Now f'u'c'k off".