What did Jehovah do that's so bad he needs that many witnesses?

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to change the bulb and turn it on, the other two bastards to knock on your door and ask if you've seen the light...

The wife called me as she'd had a car crash.

"A car forced me off the road into a Kingdom Hall," she said.

"Did you get any witnesses?" I asked.

"Yes," she said, "About sixty five fatalities and twelve injured."

Christmas is shyte. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

Mohammed spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children,

Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish.

And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.

I don't understand why Christians are against gay marriage.
Jesus had two dads, he turned out alright.

Whenever I'm in doubt, I ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"

Then I remember Jesus got crucified, so his decision making skills obviously weren't brilliant.

One evening a priest was sitting on a pew at the front of his church, quietly praying to the Lord.
A hot blonde suddenly came in and the priest asked her, "what can I do for you, my child?"
The blonde immediately jumped on him and said, "I want you now! Take me!"
"I beg your pardon?" the priest exclaimed.
"Phuck me now," she said, "Phuck me hard up the a's's!"
The priest by now was sweating and trembling at the sight of the blonde lifting up her blouse revealing a pair of huge tits.
"But, my child, you are in the house of the Lord!" the priest desperately replied.
"I don't care, take this Hot virgin now you s'e'xy son of a b'i't'ch!" the blonde exclaimed finally.
The priest, now shaking, sweating terribly and feeling himself go hard, turned towards the front of the church and, looking up to the Lord, he cried "Jesus Christ, help me - what should I do?"
"DON'T JUST STAND THERE YOU STUPID I'D'IOT, GET ME OFF THIS F'U'C'KING CROSS!"

Why do so many Muslims marry their own cousins?

To ensure the next generation will be dumb enough to believe Islam.

A colleague at work accused me of Islamaphobia last week.

I said: "Don't be so f'u'c'king ridiculous, a phobia is an irrational fear".

Today, I found out that, thanks to a rare bone disease, my 6 year old daughter has only four weeks to live. I decided to read the paper to take my mind off it and discovered a suicide bomber in Baghdad has killed 30 people in a market place.

I cast aside the paper and walk to my daughter's bedroom. I stand in the doorway, watching her sleep, thinking how cruel this world can be. Barely 6 years old and soon to be in heaven. My mind was cast back to the suicide bomber, on his way there and eager to meet the virgins that wait for him. I gently closed the bedroom door, took out my J.T and moved towards my innocent child.

F'u'c'k you, Mohammed. This is one virgin you won't be getting your hands on.

Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages.

They're calling it 'Islam'.