slimyem: Long distant relationships are such headaches.I'm not an advocate of it except its just for a short specific period.
If you are having as many arguments like you say and all the childish breaking and making up,its not healthy.
You also can't rule out the fact that he is seeing someone else.
You can't see yourself not being with him because you've not tried to.Plenty fishes in the ocean my sister.
Stop all the begging and crying.He doesn't seem like someone who can make up his mind or who is worth it.
No point remaining in an emotionly draining relationship such as this.
You can break free only if you are ready to.

Saecula: This is a portent.
I think this kind of thing happens when one is in a relationship with someone one is not on a par with. When there are ginormous gaps in status and standing in life, it makes the suzerain dictate the tunes as opposed to both having a say in the relationship.

baby_123: He's not into you dear. Learn to give as much as you get, don't be too clingy. The affection and attraction should be mutual and on a level field. He wants space, give him. As hard as it may seem, you will be better off. Do you realize you are emotionally manipulating him to be with you if he doesn't want to? You are forcing him to be with you. The guy breaks up with you at any argument, you beg and cry to come back. Ask yourself, what is it about him or you that makes you stuck on him.

keeked:

what makes me keep going back?

- he is my first love ( i don't mean to sound corny), my first serious relationship.
- my fear that i can't get a better man (he's a really good guy)
- i lost my virginity to him.
- my optimism (my hope that things can go back to how they were)

i can go on and on

the worst feeling is knowing the love you have for someone is not being reciprocated anymore.
As per the emotional manipulation part of your post, that is my fear. it's so glaring that i'm way into him more than he is into me. It even get me angry sometimes but oh well

Thanks.

keeked:

Thank you for your reply.
'Emotionally drained' is apt. The LDR myth is now dawning on me. It's tough my sister. I really really want to make this work with him. The first year was bliss.

[b]He says the only problem we're having is that I'm chocking him. [/b]I have tried to stay away but even when I do I'll be the one to break the ice after 2 to 3 days of not hearing anything from him. Then he starts complaint again. It was never like this.

Thanks again for your advice. Enough food for thought.

Ujujoan:

What does he mean by you are choking him
You guys are far away from each other so it's not like you are bugging him with unplanned visits, extended stays and annoying monitoring!
He sounds so much like a guy who's lost interest . ..
I'm afraid you are about to get your heart broken by this man . . . .
My advice, give him the space he wants (which doesn't even make sense cos u guys are countries apart)!
STOP CALLING HIM! I know it's hard but try your very best.
Let him call you whenever he wants to talk . . . if he sends you an SMS, respond. If not, don't send him!
Meanwhile, don't say no to other prospects. If there's some decent guy around willing to date you, give him a try . .. don't jump into bed with him o . . but start dating other people and let your bf know you are viewing other options.
I'm giving this advice for 2 reasons . .
1. They could come in handy when/if your bf leaves you or
2. they may make your bf realize that he could really lose you to someone else. If he wants you, he'll come running back. If he doesn't, he'll use that as an excuse and walk . . . let him go!

keeked: Thank you very much guys. A lot to take in but thanks.

He says he's still very much interested in the relationship and he loves me and all that junk, and that if he wants to start seeing someone else he'll definitely break up with me first.

That is one of the major reasons why I'm still holding on actually. he makes it look like I'm the one with all the problem and he's blameless.

it's a hard pill to swallow....

keeked: Thank you very much guys. A lot to take in but thanks.

He says he's still very much interested in the relationship and he loves me and all that junk, and that if he wants to start seeing someone else he'll definitely break up with me first.

That is one of the major reasons why I'm still holding on actually. he makes it look like I'm the one with all the problem and he's blameless.

it's a hard pill to swallow....

keeked: Thanks, sister ujujoan. That strength is what I need.

biolabee: LOL at choking

How can you choke someone that is across the ocean

Some guys sef

Well you know what to do
Tell him to shape up or ship off

There are some things uve not said anything about

Are you in naija and planning to settle with him over there

What are his plans

Have you gone to visit him before

keeked:

Yes, I have visited him before. I'm in the UK he's in America
Visits? Yes, plenty.
He's planning on settling down soon (he's older) and I have no problem with that.

coogar:

the only strength you need is not to listen to the dozens of comments here asking you to leave the relationship. some of the people advising you here have faced worse relationships. some of them have had to physically beat up other girlfriends to stay in their relationships - you don't throw a baby away with the bath water.

in all your well-concocted story, i noticed there's nowhere you apportioned any blame to yourself as usual. who starts these arguments? he says you choke him - how? do you make those annoying 100 calls to his phone per minute? you said he's across the ocean - is the time difference more than 3/4 hours?

is there any shred of evidence he's cheated on you? have you caught him cheating? from what i can perceive, you are the problem not him. i wouldn't want to be choked too and i wouldn't want a girl that starts shitstorms all the time only to start crying acts the damage has been done.

you are the problem, fix yourself!

keeked:

I have been secretly wishing for a different opinion. That is the beauty of the forum. Thank you.
I did blame myself. I said i am way into him more than he is way into me and the love is very one sided.

As per the arguments, they mostly stem from this 'you're chocking me' palava. I am used to how it used to be between us and he's obviously in a different place.

And are you saying I shouldn't leave even if it's obvious that the love isn't really mutual anymore?

biolabee:

Quite a distance
If you have had plenty visits then he may not be interested any more in the relationship
3 years in a long time for someone to make his mind

is he studying/working
Are you studying/working

How many years from now are you to your desired marriage range

coogar:

you are way too much into him = choking!
step back a bit and see if things change. of course things would change. men don't want to be choked - choking stems from insecurity. let him breathe!

keeked:

both working. i don't have an exact marriage range. when it happens, it happens

keeked: Hello nairalanders,
Hopefully I will get some useful advice from members.

I have been in an across the ocean relationship for almost three years now. It was going really really well for the first year or so... things started getting weird after. He would complain that I am getting too attached/I'm chocking him and I would complain that he is getting too withdrawn. He would say things have changed and that it's normal for the novelty of a new relationship to wear off after a while. (Is this even true?)
........
Things have gotten worse now. We can't go two days without having an argument. (Hyperbole)
After a good number of the arguments, he would break up with me and I'd cry my eyes, begging him to come back. We make up, and cycle continues. In fact, he just broke up with me again a few days ago. He isn't even trying anymore. He hardly calls etc .

I really love this guy. My parents know him (and vice versa) and all that good stuff. I know this sounds pathetic but I can't see myself not being with him.

My questions for all are; is he seeing someone else? Is he taking advantage of my weakness (him)?
What do I do to break free even if i want to? Is he staying out of pity?

If you have more questions to ask I'll be ready to answer, I didn't want to be too detailed to avoid a lengthy post.