keeked:

both working. i don't have an exact marriage range. when it happens, it happens



I have tried stepping back and when i do, he doesn't say anything for the longest period, then i'm forced to say "hello" to him and the complaining begins.

I don't want somee crazy attention all the time, i just want a little bit of something, a little bit of 'you're on my mind'. Is that too much to ask for? Right now, I am getting nothing.

Thanks for your words still.

My dear,go your way..except you want the cycle to continue.
He comes up with the "choking" thing,it becomes an argument,he breaks up,you cry and beg then you make up again or you step back and it ends up not making any sense that you did.
You are the one stringing yourself along.He is over you.I don't see anything changing or thungs going back to the way they are.You can smell the coffee ready.Do what you have to do.Stop wasting your emotions and your time.

I thank evrybody dt provide advive 2 ds post despite d fact dt I'm not d one dt posted it,,it is really affectn almost 40% of ds nairalanders.am vry hppy 4 all direction sha
@Op. Pls choose frm d above advice,a break relationship is far beta dan a break mariage...earliar d beta

Poster, i will advice you not to listen to the many frustrated women giving poor advice based on their past experiences which has turned them to man haters. I can tell you for sure life abroad is not easy and it takes alot from you physically, emotionally and mentally. He's probably going through that cycle. If you really love him, just call him and say to him, "I understand what youre going through, I just want you to know ill be here for you". youd be surprised how much that can mean to a man. Theres no doubt living abroad can change your perception of women, especially Nigerian girls whose highest achievement is carrying blackberry and latest fashion. As someone on this forum advised, try to get yourself busy as well. Financial independence is key, so as not to look like a liability. Men like that in a woman i must tel you.
True love exists, although the meaning differs from relationship to relationship. Dont compare yours to another, and if you have something good going, do everything to keep it. A wise woman builds her home, but the foolish destroys it with her own hands.
My honest advice :-)

This topic is quite misleading....
It should be: My true love has left me
Sorry dear, I feel your pain.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
My dear you know the answer to all your questions.
You just want us to tell you something different.

I know its hard, but its time to move on.

keeked:

both working. i don't have an exact marriage range. when it happens, it happens



I have tried stepping back and when i do, he doesn't say anything for the longest period, then i'm forced to say "hello" to him and the complaining begins.

I don't want somee crazy attention all the time, i just want a little bit of something, a little bit of 'you're on my mind'. Is that too much to ask for? Right now, I am getting nothing.

Thanks for your words still.

Your guy is obviously selfish!

I was flowing with coogar's analysis but with the bolded its crystal clear he's giving you the booth. Pls get over him and move on with your life.

Op, listen to me. Do not break up VERBALLY. But in your heart (which is the control house) , forget him. He HAS NO INTEREST IN YOU. Do not contact him anymore. Please just walk off with your self respect intact. Move on. I am sure you have other prospects. Take your time and be friends with them first. Its not likely your US Guy will call u once u cut off communication, but if he does don't pick, don't respond, LET HIM SWEAT FOR YOU. Let him get desperate enough to travel to UK and see you!!!!!!!!!!

@op. I had same problem with my gal, she was so into me and the whole choking thing, but I never realised how much I loved her till she stopped and gave me some space...I advise u give that guy some space if he loves u he will come looking for u, if he doesn't its a good riddance

Ishsoph:

Your guy is obviously selfish!

I was flowing with coogar's analysis but with the bolded its crystal clear he's giving you the booth. Pls get over him and move on with your life.

I agree with you. She should move on.

However, be reminded that the bolded is just a space of 2-3 days.
There were lots of important questions coogar asked but she avoided them.

1. Does she call him at odd hours knowing that US and UK has about 6-9 hours difference (depending on the city).
2. How many times does she call him?

3. How long does she force the poor dude to be on the phone with her?

4. Ultimately, who starts the arguement after 'yoy are choking me' comes up. How does she react?

5. Has she really assessed herself?

Honestly, the op reminds me of what a close pal is going through now. His girl in Canada monitors him with calls him more than 3 times in a day. And each of the calls shoots to about an hour.

Dude likes the girl but choked up. You need to see his face anytime he finishes speaking with girl on the phone.

Nuzo':


I agree with you. She should move on.

However, be reminded that the bolded is just a space of 2-3 days.
There were lots of important questions coogar asked but she avoided them.

1. Does she call him at odd hours knowing that US and UK has about 6-9 hours difference (depending on the city).
2. How many times does she call him?

3. How long does she force the poor dude to be on the phone with her?

4. Ultimately, who starts the arguement after 'yoy are choking me' comes up. How does she react?

5. Has she really assessed herself?

Honestly, the op reminds me of what a close pal is going through now. His girl in Canada monitors him with calls him more than 3 times in a day. And each of the calls shoots to about an hour.

Dude likes the girl but choked up. You need to see his face anytime he finishes speaking with girl on the phone.

I answered coogar's questions. I don't want to be repetitive but here i go again;

The first yr was joy. We were inseparable. Even while he was at work, he's blowing up my phone. I didn't even need to try, it just came naturally. We craved each other. - and that is what I'm used to!
Now he's in a different place and i'm still stuck in that honeymoon phase.

It's like feeding a little child kellogg's cornflakes all his life, and out of the blue, you start serving him Nasco cornflakes for no apparent reason, of course hes going to moan and whine and demand for his kellogg's.


Thank you everyone for your words.

keeked: Hello nairalanders,
Hopefully I will get some useful advice from members.

I have been in an across the ocean relationship for almost three years now. It was going really really well for the first year or so... things started getting weird after. He would complain that I am getting too attached/I'm chocking him and I would complain that he is getting too withdrawn. He would say things have changed and that it's normal for the novelty of a new relationship to wear off after a while. (Is this even true?)
........
Things have gotten worse now. We can't go two days without having an argument. (Hyperbole)
After a good number of the arguments, he would break up with me and I'd cry my eyes, begging him to come back. We make up, and cycle continues. In fact, he just broke up with me again a few days ago. He isn't even trying anymore. He hardly calls etc .

I really love this guy. My parents know him (and vice versa) and all that good stuff. I know this sounds pathetic but I can't see myself not being with him.

My questions for all are; is he seeing someone else? Is he taking advantage of my weakness (him)?
What do I do to break free even if i want to? Is he staying out of pity?

If you have more questions to ask I'll be ready to answer, I didn't want to be too detailed to avoid a lengthy post.

Are you writing a book? Is the guy married? have you had a broken relationship before? Are you d 2 timing type ? Are you the nagging type? If you do all this, then you may need to re adjust.

coogar:

the only strength you need is not to listen to the dozens of comments here asking you to leave the relationship. some of the people advising you here have faced worse relationships. some of them have had to physically beat up other girlfriends to stay in their relationships - you don't throw a baby away with the bath water.

in all your well-concocted story, i noticed there's nowhere you apportioned any blame to yourself as usual. who starts these arguments? he says you choke him - how? do you make those annoying 100 calls to his phone per minute? you said he's across the ocean - is the time difference more than 3/4 hours?

is there any shred of evidence he's cheated on you? have you caught him cheating? from what i can perceive, you are the problem not him. i wouldn't want to be choked too and i wouldn't want a girl that starts shitstorms all the time only to start crying acts the damage has been done.

you are the problem, fix yourself!

Typical!
Now it's her fault cos she calls 100X a day? You expect her to throw herself at him and respond to his every whims . . just cause he's a man
There should be a level of commitment from BOTH parties in every r/ship. The lady doesn't even want to be conference calling 24/7. Just a 'hello' from time to time to show 'he's thinking of her' . . . is that really too much to ask for these days?
If this post were coming from a man, I know exactly what your response will be.
I wonder when NLd men will stop being such big fat hypocrites . .

Then quit arguing wt him acept ur 4lt nd apologize afta culin hm down tel him ur mind, because he mait b tinkin if e mari u dat is hw u wuld b argue wt hm
LET PATIENCE WORK PERFECT IN YOU, THAT U MAY B PERFECT AND COMPLETE, LACKING NOTHING.

@ op, I really understand ur situation, I am in similar condition wit u guys. I hav a gf dat I am 11yrs older dan, she is a virgin n d last time I touched her she begged me 2 de-flower her but I declined(as a result of dis she tripled her love 4 me). She is seriously into me, always calling, I havnt done it with her bt am feeling a bit of choking already. I dnt wanna treat her d way ur guy is treating u but who knows wat d future holds.


My advice 4 u is to give him a break, reduce ur attachmnt 2 him, date oda guyz bt dnt have sex wit dem, have fun like he neva existed. If in one year time he doesn't com bak begging den 4get abt him.
If he eventually comes bak play him hard to get, let d love start building up afresh

He would say things have changed and that it's normal for the novelty of a new relationship to wear off after a while. (Is this even true?)

I don't agree with this line at all. I don't believe relationships' wear off on their own. I believe when people stop giving their best & start settling for "anything goes," that's when relationships' wear into "see-finish."

My girlfriend & I have been dating for over 5 years & by the Grace of God,I still love her as much as when we first started out (if not more). We've had terrible UPs & downs & several really severe issues that have threatened our relationship many times before. All the same, we haven't just sat down & let our relationship stir itself to wherever it would but instead I have chosen by myself to give all my best to my girlfriend & our relationship & to the best of my knowledge,she does the same too. I've committed to love this relationship & give the best I can, rather than saying or believing in "time would tell." If we break up tomorrow,fine....but for now we have to play my parts to better us well. By God's Grace we hope & pray & plan for bigger things but first,we must play our parts.
I don't know this guy you're talking about,but I kind of get the feeling that he's probably lost interest in the relationship. Make your mind up to hear the truth....good or bad,sit him down & ask him to talk to you about what his problem is. If he's no longer interested,I know it won't be easy for you to come to terms with that,but accept it & please don't force yourself to be with someone who doesn't care again.
I wish you the best. Cheers.

keeked:

what makes me keep going back?

- he is my first love ( i don't mean to sound corny), my first serious relationship.
- my fear that i can't get a better man (he's a really good guy)
- i lost my virginity to him.( before i met him, i was one of those 'no sex before marriage' people, now that i have given 'it' up to him and he's acting up, the thought of the potential trial and errors in the near future saddens me)
- my optimism (my hope that things can go back to how they were)

i can go on and on

the worst feeling is knowing the love you have for someone is not being reciprocated anymore.
As per the emotional manipulation part of your post, that is my fear. it's so glaring that i'm way into him more than he is into me. It even get me angry sometimes but oh well

Thanks.

Well i think u should experiment with other guys me thinks the guy wants u to take the cue he wants space to work things out or to think about u in general. If he really loves u there is no way he will date other chicks and nt compare u to them it is so simple,if u keep popping up in his head he will come on his knees begging u for yr sweetness.

As for u, if u are cute and sociable allow other guys to toast u,go out on dates gir, note it is not every guy that demands sex from girls when dating, really u as a girl have to be smart,a guy that wants a long time relationship with u will not continue pressuring for sex, note i said pressuring i did nt say ask,guys must ask just to see how u will react if u fall, the guy don chop and go and if u do it once,guys will always demand for it more and more from u so be smart, u can kiss and smooch but sex lie lie.

Relax explore guys,girls that call guys up and down guys don't take them serious,he just wants to pacify u so he won't feel bad, do not allow that,take up yr life and live it.YOU HEARD

pretty_boi:

My girlfriend & I have been dating for over 5 years & by the Grace of God,I still love her as much as when we first started out (if not more). We've had terrible UPs & downs & several really severe issues that have threatened our relationship many times before. All the same, I haven't just sat down & let our relationship stir itself to wherever it would but instead I have chosen by myself to give all my best to my girlfriend & our relationship. I've committed to love this relationship & give the best I can, rather than saying or believing in "time would tell." If we break up tomorrow,fine....but for now I have to play my part to better us well. By God's Grace we hope & pray & plan for bigger things but first,we must play our parts.

That put a smile on my face. Bless you two. She's lucky.

keeked:

what makes me keep going back?

- he is my first love ( i don't mean to sound corny), my first serious relationship.
- my fear that i can't get a better man (he's a really good guy)
- i lost my virginity to him.( before i met him, i was one of those 'no sex before marriage' people, now that i have given 'it' up to him and he's acting up, the thought of the potential trial and errors in the near future saddens me)
- my optimism (my hope that things can go back to how they were)

i can go on and on

the worst feeling is knowing the love you have for someone is not being reciprocated anymore.
As per the emotional manipulation part of your post, that is my fear. it's so glaring that i'm way into him more than he is into me. It even get me angry sometimes but oh well

Thanks.

Well i think u should experiment with other guys me thinks the guy wants u to take the cue he wants space to work things out or to think about u in general. If he really loves u there is no way he will date other chicks and nt compare u to them it is so simple,if u keep popping up in his head he will come on his knees begging u for yr sweetness.

As for u, if u are cute and sociable allow other guys to toast u,go out on dates gir, note it is not every guy that demands sex from girls when dating, really u as a girl have to be smart,a guy that wants a long time relationship with u will not continue pressuring for sex, note i said pressuring i did nt say ask,guys must ask just to see how u will react if u fall, the guy don chop and go and if u do it once,guys will always demand for it more and more from u so be smart, u can kiss and smooch but sex lie lie.

Relax explore guys,girls that call guys up and down guys don't take them serious,he just wants to pacify u so he won't feel bad, do not allow that,take up yr life and live it.YOU HEARD

To be candid about it.....YES! He's deeply into someone else. You just have to be thankful that you've not tied the knots yet.
What next? Just wake up and move on cos you don't just have to cry and plead for you to be loved.....I just passed through the same situation; i was even on medication sometime last year; for someone who doesn't give a damn about you. Please seek and pray sis..
Cheers.

Ujujoan:

Typical!
Now it's her fault cos she calls 100X a day? You expect her to throw herself at him and respond to his every whims . . just cause he's a man
There should be a level of commitment from BOTH parties in every r/ship. The lady doesn't even want to be conference calling 24/7. Just a 'hello' from time to time to show 'he's thinking of her' . . . is that really too much to ask for these days?
If this post were coming from a man, I know exactly what your response will be.
I wonder when NLd men will stop being such big fat hypocrites . .

Funny but I find myself agreeing with uju on this

OP as much as I still believe the guy don throway you
Give him one more chance

Step aside for a while and be casual and formal like forming busy

Howwver you still need to have THAT TALK
As he may have seen one akata/naijarican and sees UK as too far

Hi dear, I have been in u shoes before and it was terriable for me,but I summoned courage and left the relationship because it was not healthy for me and God finanly blessed with a wonderful husband. So my advice to you is for you to summon courage and leave him, time heals all wounds. You will surely overcome, he is not meant for you.just let him be and be happy.I know it won't be easy for you, but with time u will be fine.

Ujujoan:
Typical!
Now it's her fault cos she calls 100X a day? You expect her to throw herself at him and respond to his every whims . . just cause he's a man
There should be a level of commitment from BOTH parties in every r/ship. The lady doesn't even want to be conference calling 24/7. Just a 'hello' from time to time to show 'he's thinking of her' . . . is that really too much to ask for these days?
If this post were coming from a man, I know exactly what your response will be.
I wonder when NLd men will stop being such big fat hypocrites . .

i doubt it's the number of calls that irks this man - it could be what's been said. what brings about this number of calls stems from insecurity. from experience, these calls are just monitory calls with questions like - where are you? where have you been? i heard a girl's voice in the background - who is she? if the op is honest with herself, i am 90% sure she's guilty of these things.

sincerely I must confess , I am passing through the same thing....but the other way round....I call more and care more while he does the opposite...I always break up ith him but I END UP PLEADING FOR A COME BACK.....like seriously I want to break free but it seems very difficult, because I am so attached to him even thou he is distance away from me ...he is so into me..but I hv rest my case in GOD to take perfect control AND I SUSGEST YOU DO SAME....

When people walk-away from you, let them walk.

Dont talk another person into staying with you, caring about you, calling you, coming to see you and loving... You
YOUR DESTINY IS NEVER TIED TO ANYBODY THAT LEFT.
Let he/she go! Stop begging people to stay with you - T.D Jecks

it painchies the heart to give out love and recieve pains as pay pack.at times in life we must learn to let go.one who loves u will never make u cry.if i where u.i do move on with my life.try to give someone else the chance to love and u will see the reason to love again

coogar:

i doubt it's the number of calls that irks this man - it could be what's been said. what brings about this number of calls stems from insecurity. from experience, these calls are just monitory calls with questions like - where are you? where have you been? i heard a girl's voice in the background - who is she? if the op is honest with herself, i am 90% sure she's guilty of these things.

So now you don't believe it's the no. of calls eh? After accusing her of making 100 calls a per minute in your 1st post!
I see you've chosen to ignore this post from the poster . .

keeked:
I don't want somee crazy attention all the time, i just want a little bit of something, a little bit of 'you're on my mind'. Is that too much to ask for? Right now, I am getting nothing.

So what if she's an annoying pest, she's only worried cos she loves him . . A matured man will find a way to handle that without making her feel guilty!
My husband pretends to be pissed at my 'where are you' calls? But after several of not getting those calls, he'll become offended that I'm ignoring him!
I don't know how people's relationships are oh. But I don't think a couple in a distant relationship should be talking about 'choking'. The calls are ALL they have . .

francescainnoce: sincerely I must confess , I am passing through the same thing....but the other way round....I call more and care more while he does the opposite...I always break up ith him but I END UP PLEADING FOR A COME BACK.....like seriously I want to break free but it seems very difficult, because I am so attached to him even thou he is distance away from me ...he is so into me..but I hv rest my case in GOD to take perfect control AND I SUSGEST YOU DO SAME....

The bolded is contradictory. You sure are passing through same experience with the Op according to your narration but not the opposite like u stated!

He doesnt call you while you do the calling and you cry, wail and plead when you braek up.........yet "he is so into you"?

A lota contradictions here ma'am!

my dear if u truly love him and u are very sure dt u do,and he is not showing d same feeling as u do,just move on with ur life.believe u me dt one day he will come back

Relationship is mutual my friend, whoever is desperate will be on the receiving end. You are desperate and the guy is scared, I am sorry he is no longer interested. Again, its not advisable to date a guy more than a year, life is too short to keep doing one thing for long. Always try something new, even when you are confortable

keeked:

I answered coogar's questions. I don't want to be repetitive but here i go again;

The first yr was joy. We were inseparable. Even while he was at work, he's blowing up my phone. I didn't even need to try, it just came naturally. We craved each other. - and that is what I'm used to!
Now he's in a different place and i'm still stuck in that honeymoon phase.

It's like feeding a little child kellogg's cornflakes all his life, and out of the blue, you start serving him Nasco cornflakes for no apparent reason, of course hes going to moan and whine and demand for his kellogg's.


Thank you everyone for your words.

Actually I think Good morning cornflakes are better than Kellogs, believe it or not. But concerning your case, leave the guy and go for the goodmorning flakes, sorry go for the next decent, God fearing guy that comes along and this time don't think they only come in your present guys package (age, looks, finance etc).

I no dey put mouth 4 love matter! !

Your dilemma has a solution in God.
Take care.