I was going to London for the very first time in my life. I went to the airport and sat down waiting for my flight. I looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune. So, I thought to myself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." I went over to the machine and put One Naira coin in and out came a card that said, "You are a Comedian and weigh 128 lb, and you are going to London, England." I sat back down and thought about it. I told myself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. I went back to the machine and put One Naira coin. Out came a card that read, "You are a Comedian, weigh 128 lb, you are going to London, England and you are going to play a guitar." I said to myself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life." I sat back down. From nowhere a guitar boy came over and set his guitar down next to me. I picked it up and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, I looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I have got to try it again." Back to the machine, I put One Naira coin in and another card came out. It said, "You are a Comedian, you weigh 128 lb, you are going to London, England and you are going to trip and fall on the ground." Now, I know the machine is wrong. "I've never trip and fell on the ground in public any day in my life. " Well, I tripped getting off the scale and fell on the ground. Stunned, I sat back down and looked at the machine. I said to myself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." I went back to the machine, put One Naira coin in and collected the card. It said, "You are a Comedian, you weigh 128 lb, you have fooled and played around and missed the plane to London.

Teacher: I want everybody to put their Homework on the table now! I'm checking!

James: Here is mine!

Obuke: Here is mine!

Helen: Here is mine!

Emu: Here is mine!

Sandra: Here is mine!

Teacher: Ofego where is your homework?

Me: Sir, It's at home.

Teacher: But what is it doing at home when you are here?

Me: You said homework so I did it at home and left it at home, now, give me classwork let me do it here in class and leave it here in class!

Teacher: The headmaster is concerned about the school premises. He said the school is dirty, and he said we should hear ideas from you all as pupils on how to keep the school clean.

Sandra: We should have general cleaning weekly.

Emu: We should not bring our biscuits in the plastics but bring them in containers.

Helen: The number of dustbins should be increased.

Teacher: Good ideas children! Ofego what do you have to say?

Me: I think if we all stay at home then the school will be clean without even a single piece of dirt.

"Hello?" "Hello, Is this the Nigeria Police?" I asked. A voice from the other end replied, "Yes. And asked, ''What do you want?" I replied, "I'm calling to report my neighbour Benji. He is hiding cocaine in his firewoods." "This will be noted. They said. The next day, the police came to Benji's house. They searched the shed where the firewoods were kept, cut every piece of the firewoods into two, found no cocaine, and left. I called Benji on phone. "Hello Benji! Did the Police come?" "Yes!" He replied. "Did they cut your firewoods into two for you?" I asked. "Yes they did." He replied. "Okay! I said. Now it's your turn to call the police. I want my land to be cleared."

Una dey use una police brain abi?
Ok mk una kontinu.

njuwo:
"Hello?" "Hello, Is this the Nigeria Police?" I asked. A voice from the other end replied, "Yes. And asked, ''What do you want?" I replied, "I'm calling to report my neighbour Benji. He is hiding cocaine in his firewoods." "This will be noted. They said. The next day, the police came to Benji's house. They searched the shed where the firewoods were kept, cut every piece of the firewoods into two, found no cocaine, and left. I called Benji on phone. "Hello Benji! Did the Police come?" "Yes!" He replied. "Did they cut your firewoods into two for you?" I asked. "Yes they did." He replied. "Okay! I said. Now it's your turn to call the police. I want my land to be cleared."

I took my dad to a boutique to buy a new shoe. He is 65. We decided to eat something at the restaurant nearby. I noticed he was watching someone sitting close to him. The teenager had multicolour hair in all different colours, green, red, orange and blue, and my dad kept staring at her. The teenager would look over and find my dad staring, every time. When she had finally had enough, she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, you have never done anything wild in your life before?" My Dad replied, "I got drunk years back and made love to a peacock without condom. I am wondering if you are my daughter?

Friend: Ofego please text Audu and tell him we have to meet later in the day.

Me: Take my phone and text him yourself.

Friend: Ahn, ahn, but why not text him yourself na, you have your own phone with you na.

Me: My handwriting is horrible, If I text him he won't see anything I write.

My Uncle and his Wife decided that the only way to have a quickie while their five years old son was in the apartment was to send him outside and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood outside and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Raphael's house, the Chukwuma's are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Olomu's are having sex." Hearing this, his parents got shocked. "How do you know the Olomu's are having sex?" They asked. He replied, "Because their child is standing outside too.

My Uncle's Wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen. Careful!. He said, Careful! Put in some more oil! Oh my GOD! You are cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! You need more oil. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more oil? The eggs are going to stick! Careful, careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you are cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to add salt. You know you always forget. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt! His Wife stared at him angrily. ''What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry egg? She asked, arms akimbo. He replied, ''I just wanted to show you how it feels like when I am driving and you are doing that.

Doctor: You are looking so weak and exhausted. Are you sure you are taking three meals a day as I had advised?

Woman: Oh my God! I thought you said three males a day.

Prince Anthony the prince of our community had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, If he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak four words the next year and so on. One day he met a princess of the other community named Ufuoma, and he wanted to say "My Princess". The next year he saw her, he wanted to say "My princess, I love you". The third year he saw her, he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But the young prince, now growing older, knew he would have to wait a couple more years. So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess. He approached her respectfully and asked, "Ufuoma, my princess, I love you. Will you marry me?" And the princess said, "Pardon?''.

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman planned a trip to Warri. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by a local primary school headmaster named Mr Okpubuluku. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". She wrote to the headmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC. The headmaster, Mr Okpubuluku, not fluent in English, asked the local priest Mr Kombo if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the woman wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house, a toilet never crossed their minds. So the headmaster wrote the following reply, ''Dear Madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Wednesdays. As there are many people expected all the time, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were ten people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We took photos in different angle. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and eat it there too. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your plan to go on a Sunday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and sitting you in a place where you can be seen by all. With deepest regards, The Primary School Headmaster, Mr Okpubuluku. As soon as the woman read the reply she quickly packed her things and took to her heels and never visited Warri again.

njuwo:
I just Noticed that Life is too short to commit suicide cuz In the year 2002 nokia 3310 was N75k with N40k econet sim card, but today its N700 and the sim is free.. In 2003 samsung c100 was N48k and I must recharge with atleast N1500 airtime every... two weeks or else my sim will be blocked. today its N800 and I dont even need to recharge to retain my sim {customers are needed}... In 2004 sendo x with camera and 16mb memory card {one of the cheapest mp3 enabled phoneback den}was N39k today its free... In 2006 sagem my v55 was N30k today its going for N300... 2008 nko blackberry bold 2 was N135k today blackberry is no more producing new bold 2... so London used na N15k.. U can get 9ja used for N6k... So my friend, if u neva dey use blackberry porch, htc smart phones, android, ipad, iphone, playbook or nokia 808, pls, dnt worry. Just wait and see, coz before 2015 our children will be using them as toys....*smiles #......Be Patient. Dis makes me wonder why sum girls go crazy simply coz of material tins. U want a bold 5, U want brazilian hair, U want LV bag, but remember, Beatles was d richest car in 1980'z.....THIN K!!! See d kinda of depreciation it experienced within short period. BEAUTY FADES! WEALTH can also be ERASED. Jux work hard, Hav a good character and Be loyal to ur feelings!!!,and lastly rem dos wit d bests cars 2day once wlkd on foot,calm down n Give God ur time,for only Him can mk............. ........ Time shall favour u. Can i hear ur Amen??

this so true

njuwo:
My Dad replied, "I got drunk years back and made love to a peacock without condom. I am wondering if you are my daughter?

Epic reply...

There was once a man that called himself the great thief. He went to a computer trade fair in Yenagoa, Bayelsa State. Every day, as he entered, he said to the guard at the door, "I am a great thief, renowned for my achievements of stealing from shops. Be forewarned, for this trade fair shall not escape me unplundered." This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were Millions of Nairas of computer equipments inside, so he watched the man closely. But the man only wandered from corner to corner, humming quietly to himself. When the man was about leaving, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, but nothing was found. The next day of the trade fair, the man came and said to the guard, "I escaped with a large loot yesterday, but today will even be much better." So the guard watched him much more closely, but to no avail. On the final day of the trade fair, the guard could contain his curiosity no longer. "Mr Thief," He said, "I am so not at ease, I cannot stay at peace here anymore. Please tell me. What is it that you are stealing from here?" The man smiled and said, "I am stealing ideas."

The company my cousin works, made an Employee Handbook yesterday. After going through it, he brought it for me to go through. Now I'm bringing it for you all to go through. It reads,

EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing 30,000 Naira sneakers and carrying a 45,000 Naira bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in - between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: December 25th and January 1st.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co - workers. Every effort should be made to have non - employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least a two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

LUNCH BREAK: Slim people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice weekend!.

Four Girls entered a BRT Bus full of Male Engineers. Since there was no more place available, they sat on each of the Boys' laps.

After ten minutes.

1st Girl: Are you an Electronics and Communication Engineer?

1st Boy: How did you know?

1st Girl: Your tower is communicating with my unreachable area.

2nd Girl: Are you an IT Engineer?

2nd Boy: How did you know?

2nd Girl: Your Pendrive is trying to connect with my USB Drive.

3rd Girl: Are you a Mechanical Engineer?

3rd Boy: How did you know?

3rd Girl: Your piston is trying to move into my cylinder.

4th Girl: Are you a Civil Engineer?

4th Boy: How did you know?

4th Girl: Your dam has broken and flooded my village.

Question 1. Who is a gynecologist?

Answer: He is the only fool on earth who looks for problems in a place where others find pleasure.
Question 2: What is the difference between a cricketer and a condom?

Answer: The cricketer drops the catch, and the condom catches the drop.

Question 3: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and riding a woman?

Answer: To ride a bicycle you position your ass and then move your legs. To ride a woman you position your legs and then move your ass.

Question 4: What three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear?

Answer: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Question 5: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

Answer: Because they are tired of using their own.

Question 6: What is common between men and video?

Answer: Both go backward, forward, backward, forward, stop and eject.

Question 7: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

Answer: Your salary, it comes once a month and last about 5 - 7 days and if it doesn't come it means you are finished!

My classmate Okiemute and I were arguing over something when our class teacher came in and asked what is all the noise for? I replied, ''Ma, we found this 500 Naira Note at the school farm and we agreed that whoever tells the biggest lie will get it. The teacher exclaimed, ''Shame on the two of you, when I was at your age I didn't even know what a lie was. I handed the 500 Naira to the teacher and said, ''Wow! Ma, that is the biggest lie I have heard in my entire life.

It was the first day in primary 3 in a new community for me. As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. I, however, did extremely well. I counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. I was so excited that I ran home and told my Dad how well I had done. My Dad nodded and told me, that is because I am from Delta State." The next day, in English Language class, the teacher asked us the pupils to recite the alphabet. It was Primary Three, so most of them could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but I rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, I once again bragged to my Dad about my prowess in my new school. My Dad, knowingly, explained to me, that is because I am from Delta State. The next day, after Physical Education, we the boys were having our bath. I noticed that, compared to the other boys in my class, I seemed overly "well endowed" down below. This confused me. That night I told my Dad. "Daddy, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than their own. Is that because I am from Delta State?" I asked. "No, my son," My Dad explained, "That is because you are 18."

Three business associates, an Igbo man, a Yoruba man and a Chinese man, went to eat lunch together at a restaurant in Surulere. While in the middle of their meal, a fly came in through the window. It flew across the table to where the Igbo man was but he just waved his hands to chase it away. The fly then went to where the Yoruba man was, he also chased it away. Finally, the fly then went to where the Chinese man was and was flying close to his ears. The Chinese man looked at the fly for sometime and then grabbed it, put it in his mouth and swallowed it. The other men saw this but just kept on eating. About Five minutes later, another fly came in and flew to the Yoruba man who just chased it away again. It then flew on to the Igbo man but this time he did not chase the fly, he looked at it for sometime and then grabbed it. He then turned to the Chinese man and asked "how much you go buy am?"

Busuyib:
Three business associates, an Igbo man, a Yoruba man and a Chinese man, went to eat lunch together at a restaurant in Surulere. While in the middle of their meal, a fly came in through the window. It flew across the table to where the Igbo man was but he just waved his hands to chase it away. The fly then went to where the Yoruba man was, he also chased it away. Finally, the fly then went to where the Chinese man was and was flying close to his ears. The Chinese man looked at the fly for sometime and then grabbed it, put it in his mouth and swallowed it. The other men saw this but just kept on eating. About Five minutes later, another fly came in and flew to the Yoruba man who just chased it away again. It then flew on to the Igbo man but this time he did not chase the fly, he looked at it for sometime and then grabbed it. He then turned to the Chinese man and asked "how much you go buy am?"

lol
dats how we ball..

Busuyib:
Three business associates, an Igbo man, a Yoruba man and a Chinese man, went to eat lunch together at a restaurant in Surulere. While in the middle of their meal, a fly came in through the window. It flew across the table to where the Igbo man was but he just waved his hands to chase it away. The fly then went to where the Yoruba man was, he also chased it away. Finally, the fly then went to where the Chinese man was and was flying close to his ears. The Chinese man looked at the fly for sometime and then grabbed it, put it in his mouth and swallowed it. The other men saw this but just kept on eating. About Five minutes later, another fly came in and flew to the Yoruba man who just chased it away again. It then flew on to the Igbo man but this time he did not chase the fly, he looked at it for sometime and then grabbed it. He then turned to the Chinese man and asked "how much you go buy am?"

lol
dats how we ball..

A Manager of First Bank Of Nigeria branch in Ughelli got confused with his calculations, so he asked his secretary to help out. "I have N23,000,000, what will you take off to get 25%?" She replied, "Honestly Sir, I will take off my blouse, my skirt, my bra, even my pants!!!!.

A fat woman and a thin woman went to the gym. On getting out, this conversation took place;

Fat Woman: (Angry) God, I will destroy the talking weighing machine one day.

Thin Woman: (Puzzled) Why?

Fat Woman: Anytime I get on the weighing machine, it keep shouting, 'One at a time please!'.

When I was a child, Pussy meant Cat, Sex meant Gender, Dick was a Name, and Bang was a Sound, Screw was a mechanical tool, Climax simply referred to an end, Rod was just an iron, but now that I am grown up I noticed they all mean different things. Was my teachers lying, or did I attend the wrong school?

Teacher: Why do we drink water?
Me: Because we cannot eat water.
I put my radio inside the freezer so that I can listen to Cool FM!!!!.
Teacher: Ofego what is the name for a baby lizard?
Me: Lizzy baby.
Teacher: Ofego how was your night?
Ofego: I don't know ma, I was sleeping.

Boss: I will pay you 25,000 Naira per month and in three months, I will raise it to 50,000 Naira. When would you like to start?
Me: In three months.
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: So where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Teacher: What do we have after 69?
Me: Mouthwash sir!
Teacher: Get out of my class, compound idiot!
I didn't graduate from secondary school, I repeated several times until I became a Non - Teaching Staff.
Teacher: The process of developing from a child to an Adult is called?
Me: Adultery!

Your Facebook Status Updates By 2050.

1. Ouch my back is very painful!!!

2. These gray hairs. WTF!!!

3. My Grandchildren are coming to visit me. Huh! Feels so good!.

4. Anybody with a walking stick, hit my inbox.

5. My youngest daughter is finally married and I'm now lonely in this big house! Anyway, I'm happy for her.

6. Damn! How does my Grandson expect me to chew corn with only three teeth left in my mouth!.

7. WTF! Can't believe my grandson is asking me where I kept my teeth.

A mad man was walking naked in the Benin zoo. On seeing him, all the animals started running away from him. Hyena asked Lion, ''Lion, why are you afraid of that animal?". Lion replied, "My friend, this is no joke, that is a strange animal, can't you see the tail in front?".

A teacher asked her pupils, 1+1= ?. One of the pupils stood up and said 4. A man passing by the school's fence heard the reply, he shook his head and said, ''They will kill us in this country! Everything has increased. Transport fare, fuel price, amount of foodstuffs, $1 to Naira, price of drinks, everything! Even 1+1 that used to be 2 has now gone up to 4.