On the first day of training for parachute jumping, my elder brother who had joined the Nigerian Army to fight Boko Haram listened attentively to the instructor. The instructor told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. My brother wondered and asked, "How am I supposed to know when I am at 300 feet?". "That is a very good question,'' The instructor said, ''When you get to 300 feet, you can recognise the faces of the people on the ground." My brother thought about the instructor's answer and asked, "What happens if there is no one there I know?".

Mum: Ofego why did you slap Tejiri this morning?
Ofego: She called me an hippopotamus two years ago.
Mum: (Surprised) You just said two years ago so why slap her today?
Ofego: Because I just saw an hippopotamus yesterday.

Funny nigerian pics

My dad was in one church last sunday. After the preaching, the pastor announced, "If you are worshipping with us for the first time in this church you are welcome, please stand up cause you are so special to us.'' My dad stood up. The pastor added, ''The whole church will like to know your name." My dad said, ''My name is Alexander Akpe but you can just call me Alex. The congregation clapped. The pastor yelled, ''Praise thy Lord!''. The congregation answered, ''Halleluyah!. The pastor said to my dad, ''Mr Alex, do you have any prayer request you want the church to pray for you?''. ''Yes sir!'', My dad replied, ''The church should help me pray that God should promote my carpenter business in this church more than how he promoted it in my former church.'' The congregation shouted, ''Aaaaammmmmeeeeeeennnnn!''. The pastor said, ''Church, I want you to use the whole of your strength to pray for Brother Alex's carpenter business. Pray that God should promote his business in this church.'' The pastor started speaking in tongues, ''Mara bosha ri bi!''. Thus, says the Lord, listen, your business shall sell in this church more than where you are coming from a million times.'' The congregation shouted, ''Aaammeeeeeennnn!!!''. The pastor said, ''Mr Alex, open your eyes, your prayer has been answered! You left your former church because the business was not selling very well, abi?''. ''Yes Pastor! Like I said before, I am a carpenter and I deal on coffin selling. Initially, my business was selling fine in my former church because they were patronising me. As the number of death kept increasing in the church, my business was growing because they were buying all the coffins from me. But after some time, there was a deliverance service in the church and members stopped dying. It really affected my business. That was why I had to leave the church to search for greener pasture here. The congregation screamed in surprise, ''Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!''. The pastor screamed, ''Mr Alex, it will not work for you here! You are not welcome here. I bind you, I rebuke you. Get out of our church!.''

Super Blaze Music ( A subsidiary of Music Co-operative Society Int'L)

Music Co-operative society is a multidimensional institution set up on the Principles of Equitable Co-operation (PECo). It main function is to create an avenue for upcoming and intermediate artist to showcase their skills and develop their talents.

The Coop Society has a basic purpose of helping member patrons in terms of their music production, promotion, marketing and distribution FREE of CHARGE.

Music Co-operative society is a co-operative society that is free of advance fee fraud (419) with ZERO Naira/dollar registration fee.

Note: On no account should ANY artist expected to pay a dime for registration/auditioning/MGN form/PMAN form/whatever; (Reg is FREE). Rather opportunities will be given to You FOC (Free of Charge) for Auditioning, use of studios, label signings, promotions, marketing, printing and distribution of your collective ideas; based on the fact that the artistes are willing to nurture, nourish and impact with his/her talents.

Further more, free shows (with incentives) will be given to OUTSTANDING artiste. Celebrity hypes, hang-outs with pros and professional back-ups will be given to artistes FOC.

Words of Wisdom (W-Square): You can NEVER be a star in your bedroom/pallor/home studio. You MUST volunteer for free shows (with/without incentives), collaborate, co-write, learn new stuffs ((just because you free styled a beat in the studio doesn't make you a Super Star - there are many things you ought to learn)), learn morals/character and develop the Spirit of PERSISTENCE.

Interested artistes should send their:
(1) Full Name(s),
(2) Stage Name,
(3) Phone/Mobile Number,
(4) Age,
(5) Sex, and
(6) Location; in that order:

To Insuranzes@gmail.com, in-box on www.facebook.com/d.insurance or through Whatsapp or SMS (preferably) on +234-706-258-6862.

NOTE: This Co-operative society might not make you a super star, but can horn and develop the skills you need to be a super star.

Finally, this is an Int'L Music Co-operative society with the growth, empowerment and sponsorship of our artiste at hearts - (It's not a profit making organization). Your growth is our growth, i.e., there are no perfect human, perfect human are all the human beings put together.

You are required not to pay a dime.

FEATURES OF A HIT TRACK
i. GREAT chorus/hook/punch-line
ii. Super Production (less is more syndrome) with little or no Compression. Moderate EQ, dynamics, best mixing of the bass drum/bass guiter. LESS USE OF Auto-tune/Melodyne (this makes the God given natural artistic voice of the artist unique without too much distortion or colouring). Plus super mastering.
iii. Use of Imagery. Examples: Money, Flowers, beautiful, sky, snow, rain, rocks, rivers, Mighty, stone, love, women, Sleeping in the Fire, walking in the sky/cloud, running in the air, sleeping with lion, making love in the moon, etc
iv. Ideal Mode in Vocal Delivery: Aggressiveness (Terry G, Olamide, etc) sober, timid, calmness, agile, angered, happy, sad, thankful, humble, arrogant, hopeful, etc. and finally;
v. General Initial Appeal/Acceptance: This is through marketing, promotion, concert tour, free shows, hypes, adverts, download links, live shows, blogs, facebook, Nairaland, etc.

The Music Co-operative is opened to all music lovers, song writers, rap writers, solo artistes, independent artistes, lyricists, producers, cinematographers, dancers, wanna be super stars, comedian, pastors/Imans, managers, instrumentalist and vocalists. YOU ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PAY ANY MONEY rather, you might even be paid if you are good enough.

Rush now and inform your artistic friends, neighbors, police, or who-ever you want to be THAT super star..

In class one day, the Teacher Mr Alinco pulled Ofego over to his desk after a test, and said, "Ofego I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests." Ofego was astounded and asked Mr Alinco to prove it.
"Well, said Mr Alinco, I was looking over your test script and the question was, ‘Who was Nigeria's first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Nnenna, put ‘Nnamdi Azikiwe,’ and so did you." "Everyone knows that he was the first president na." Ofego said. "Well, just wait a minute," Mr Alinco said. "The next question was, ‘Who stopped the killing of twins in Nigeria?’ Nnenna put Mary Slessor and so did you." Ofego said, ''I read the Nigerian history book last night and I remembered that". "Wait, wait," said Mr Alinco. The next question was, ‘Who was the president of Nigeria during the 'Ghana Must Go' period?’ Nnenna put ‘I don't know,’ and you put, ‘I don't know too’.

this joke is so funny

Whatsapp sef someone on his status "Sleeping" since five days. He or she is probably lying in state.

Someone is "Driving" since six days. I guess he has not reached Tokyo.

Someone's status is "Happy" since two months. Living in Paradise I guess?

Someone is always "Available". How free are you?

Some people from first day their status is, "Hey there! I'm using WhatsApp" My brother, my sister, I Know na, that is why you are on my list.

Someone writes "Urgent calls only". I don't get it. Are you in the Nigerian Police or an Ambulance Service?

Someone says, "Can't talk, WhatsApp only". Then throw away your phone, you are not using the phone's primary function.

Someone is "At the movies" for the past eight weeks. Either he or she owns the theater or he or she is selling popcorn there.

Someone's own "At school". What should we now do about you being in school, save us the story, it is yours, not for us.

Someone puts "Busy" for three months and two weeks. He or she must be very busy probably "picking beans" or breaking melons.

This is the one that touches my conscience pass, "Battery about to die" for four months straight. Should we contact PHCN concerning the power
situation of your area or buy you generator?

How can someone be "At the gym" for eight months? Is he preparing himself for a race against Usain Bolt or he/she want to fight with Big Show?

You are always "In a meeting" then focus on the meeting and quit WhatsApp, or Is WhatsApp the venue for the meeting?

My neighbour applied for a job as an Industrial Spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as my neighbour was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You are our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

My parents told me *you watch TV alot and i should try reading more* so i turned on the subtitle.... Got d beating of my life

An Hausa, Igbo and Yoruba boy in our sunday school class were asked by the sunday school Teacher what they would change in the bible if they were given the chance. The Hausa boy said, "Walahi, the adulteress Jesus asked to go should have been stoned fa!". The Igbo boy replied, "Nna, I can't understand why Judas returned the money after selling Jesus. In short, he is not a good business man." The Yoruba boy retorted, ''Jesus should have waited just one more day before raising Lazarus from the dead. We had already paid for the ASO-EBI. At least he should have allowed us enjoy the OWAMBE before performing his miracle.

My illiterate uncle was tired of being called illiterate by his friends. One day, he made up his mind to get educated and travelled to the city for months.
He then visited his hometown yesterday and wanted to show his friends that he can read. He bought a newspaper and sat down to enjoy it and held the paper upside down and said; "Mr President is so polished now that he walks on his head instead of his legs".

A King of a village was bored every night during moonlight hours. There was no comedian like me in the whole village to entertain him and he put the blame on his chief servant who had tried almost all means to entertain his king. The King got so vexed and warned the servant one afternoon, "If you bore me tonight again like you have been doing, I will have no other option than to have your head cut off." The man was terrified, and vowed he will not fail the king that night. The night came and it was time for the show the servant had put up for the king. "Well, what have you got for me," the king asked. "Tonight, your majesty," said the servant, "We have a man who will make love to a dozen women before your eyes." "Now you are talking," said the king, bring him on!". Ten women walked from behind the curtain, and laid end to end on the carpeted floor. A young, muscular man appeared and began to have sex with the first woman. In moments, she screamed with pleasure and he moved on to the next one. He proceeded from woman to woman, slowing down and visibly straining, until he collapsed helplessly after ravaging only four. "You idiot!", screamed the king to the horrified servant, "I warned you!''. Take him to the block and cut off his worthless head!". The king ordered the guards. "Wait, your majesty," the servant begged, "I don't know what went wrong! He finished work in rehearsal!".

An Evangelist that came to my village bragged one day during a crusade that his God was more able than all the other gods in the town and the powers of the universe that the villagers worshipped put together. Just then, rainstorm sound started sounding overhead, threatening the progress of the crusade. The evangelist lifted up his voice and declared with confidence that if the rain falls, then he was not a man of God, he would stop preaching! Before he could finish his bluff, the rain started to hit the crusade ground vehemently, apparently in disregard to his declarations. The whole villagers left the crusade ground to their houses, shaking their heads in disappointment and dismay. The evangelist, so distraught and angry, packed his belongings and left our village the next day. On his way through the nearby town, he checked into a local drinking spot and drank himself to stupor. As he laid on the ground cursing God, an old seedy looking man tapped him gently on the shoulder. "Man of God", the old man began. But the evangelist quickly cut in, "Don't mention the name of God to me. He is fake. He is unreliable. I am no longer a believer in this God. A God who chooses to disgrace his servants. Leave me alone!". But the old man would not let him be. He continued,"I am the native doctor in the village you just preached at and held your crusade. During your six days stay in that village, you destroyed all the charms I had made on the people for thirty-two years. Your prayers and your words always came with some fearful fire and power. I tried so many times to eliminate you but I could not. My last chance came yesterday. I had loaded my gun with gun powder lying wait on the mountain top where I had a very clear view of you. My plan was to shoot you from a distance since I could not get close enough to you due to the fire around you. But just when I lifted the gun, the rain from nowhere came, wetting my gun powder and covering you in a cloud so that I could not even see you. All I saw was a bright man holding a sword in front of you.

My Prophet who was taking those of us that has not been baptised to the river to baptise us found a group of his family members from his father's side on the river bank shouting in anger at each other. He turned to us, smiled and asked,
''Why do people in anger shout at each other?''. We thought for a while, I said, ''We shout because we lose our calm.''
''But why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him or her what you have to say in a soft
manner.'' Prophet queried.
I gave some other answers but
none satisfied the other believers.
Finally Prophet explained, ''When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the
stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance. What happens when two people fall in love?
They don't shout at each other but talk softly because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either non-existent, or very small.''
Prophet continued, ''When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, they only whisper and they get even
closer to each other in their love. Finally, they don't even whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close
two people are when they love each other.''
He looked at us and said,
''So, when you argue, do not let your hearts get distant. Do not say words that distance each other more, or else, there will come a
day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.''
''Life is short, energy limited, with this limited energy, we have to find the unlimited. With this short life, we have to find the eternal. Don't waste it with unimportant matters.''

A bird in my village flew into a cave where all the other birds were living in. The bird had blood all over his face and this was noticed by the rest. They were insanely jealous as they had not eaten yet and proceeded to bother him as to where he had been. He replied, "Leave me alone, I have had a bad night!". They, of course, were hungry and would not give up. Finally, in desperation, he said, "Okay, you want to know where I have been, follow me." They all flew out of the cave, down the valley, half way up the hill and landed in a tree. "All right, are you all seeing that barb wire over there?". He asked. They all nodded, eager to know more. The bird said, "Good! Because I didn't see it!".

A squad of Nigerian Soldiers were sleeping soundly in
their bunker in Sambisa Forest when their general kicked open the door and yelled, "Okay boys, line up outside in five, this is a check!". So, all the soldiers raced outside and lined up. The general walked up to the first soldier and lashed him on the chest with his baton.

General: "Did that hurt?"

1st Soldier: "No, sir!"

General: "Why not?"

1st Soldier: "Because I am a Nigeria Soldier, sir!"

So, the general walked up to the second soldier and lashed him on the buttocks with his baton.

General: "Did that hurt?"

2nd Soldier: "No, sir!"

General: "Why?

2nd Soldier: "Because I am a Nigeria Soldier, sir!"

So the general walked on and noticed this guy with this huge erection. *Kpiaaassssssssshh* He smacked this guys penis as hard as he could.

General: "Did That hurt?"

3rd Soldier: "No, sir!"

General: "Why?"

3rd Soldier: "Because it is the guys' own behind me, sir!".

The unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough and it takes up a lot of your strength to go through it. What do you get at the end of it? Death! I think the life cycle is all backwards. It should have been like this o, you die first, once and for all. Then you start living in old age. You start growing young. You start working. You work fifty years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement. You flex, you get ready for university education! You attend secondary school. You become a child, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into your mother's womb, you spend your last nine months floating, and you end up as an embryo.

njuwo:
Three business associates, an Igbo man, a Yoruba man and a Chinese man, went to eat lunch together at a restaurant in Surulere. While in the middle of their meal, a fly came in through the window. It flew across the table to where the Igbo man was but he just waved his hands to chase it away. The fly then went to where the Yoruba man was, he also chased it away. Finally, the fly then went to where the Chinese man was and was flying close to his ears. The Chinese man looked at the fly for sometime and then grabbed it, put it in his mouth and swallowed it. The other men saw this but just kept on eating. About Five minutes later, another fly came in and flew to the Yoruba man who just chased it away again. It then flew on to the Igbo man but this time he did not chase the fly, he looked at it for sometime and then grabbed it. He then turned to the Chinese man and asked "how much you go buy am?"

Igbo kwenu!!!!

A lonely Journalist, sent out to a local town to cover a story, walked into a small bar in the town. He asked one of the local prospectors seated at the bar what they did for female companionship.
"F**k sheep," the fellow replied.
After verifying that the few local girls were indeed so ugly that sheep looked good, he resolved to remain celibate. But after several months he broke down and went out and cornered a nice sheep and took it to his hotel room to wine
and bed it. The next day when he took his 4-legged concubine to the bar for a drink, everybody stared at him like he was crazy.
"You bunch of hypocrites!" he shouted, "You've been fucking sheep for years, and now
that I am doing as you do, you are all staring at me like I'm a crazy pervert!". A guy at a corner in the bar spoke up, "But that is Tega's girl!".

@itz_soundprince is here again with another tune #FILE prod by @McDowealth http:///1ipOpYJ ENJOY!!! It gonna top ur playlist

A dog ran into a cow meat butcher's shop and grabbed a meat bone off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Unhappy at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "If your dog stole a meat bone from my shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat bone?". The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the meat bone?" "1,000 Naira." The butcher replied. The next day the butcher received a cheque in his house for 1,000 Naira. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: 15,000 Naira.

Two Itsekiri guys boarded a flight out of Nigeria. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Warri Boy got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Itsekiri guys. The Warri boy kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Itsekiri guy in the window seat said, "I think I will get up and get an Orijin drink." "Bros, don't bother yourself," said the Warri Boy, "I will get it for you." While he was gone, one of the Itsekiri guy picked up the Warri Boy's shoe and spat inside it. When he returned with the Orijin drink, the other Itsekiri guy said, "This Orijin drink is chilled o, I think I will have one too." Again, the Warri Boy obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Itsekiri guy picked up the Warri Boy's other shoe and spat inside it. The Warri Boy returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing in London, the Warri Boy slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This lack of love between our tribes? This hatred? This detest? This spitting inside shoes and pissing inside Orijin drinks?".

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My Dad, a witness to an Okada accident was testifying. The Lawyer asked him, “Did you actually see the accident?”

He replied, “Yes, sir.”

“How far away were you when the accident happened?”. The Lawyer asked.

He replied, “Twenty-eight feet, four and two quarter inches.”

The lawyer thinking he had trapped my dad, said, “Well, sir, can you tell this honourable court how you knew it was exactly that distance?”

My dad replied, “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question.”

My Little brother was sitting at the back of their class in school, obviously not paying attention. The teacher called his name.

"Yes Auntie?" he replied.

"If there are three birds on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" the teacher asked.

He answered, "Well, Auntie, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is going to make all of them fly off."

"No, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you are thinking." the teacher responded.

"Well, teacher, I have a question for you. There are three women that came out of an ice-cream store, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" my little brother asked.

The teacher, a little bit taken aback by the question answered, "Well, uh, I guess the one that is sucking on the ice cream."

My little brother replied, "No Auntie, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking!".

An older friend of mine really loved a girl, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he is getting much old and none of them had ever been married. Of course they dated about once a week for the past eight years, but he was so timid he didn't ever got around to suggesting marriage.

But yesterday, after I talked him to, he became determined to ask her the question. So he called her on the phone, "Onome."

"Yes, this is Onome."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will! Who is this?".

dammygoody:
I like this.... Insightful!!!

LIKE DIS

[quote author=njuwo post=36945152]You Know Your Mother Is A Nigerian;

When you say, "Mummy, I'm Sorry!" And she replies, "Sorry for yourself!"

When you ask her where you should drop something and she says, “Drop it on my head."
like dis

Sometimes women are too suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You are running around with other women," she charged.

"You are being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You are the only woman on earth na".

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in his chest.

It was Eve.

"What do you think you are doing?" he asked.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

wish pple lyk dat rily exist

Onome, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel she was lodging in. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second day, she decided that no one could see her up there, and she got naked. She had hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel and wrapped herself up. "Excuse me miss," said the hotel manager, out of breath from running up the stairs. "This Sheraton Hotel does not mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wear a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" She asked calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed manager. "You are lying on the general bar see through roof.''