lol... Nice one njuwo

Yesterday Saturday, I was driving from Warri to Benin. When I got to Oghara, two Policemen stopped me. "Mr man come down from the car!" They ordered. I came down and they collected my key and said, "You are under arrest!". I said, "For what Officers? "For driving in a highway without wearing ur seatbelt." They said. I started begging them that I was not going that far that's why I didn't wear it. They did not succumb to my beggings but started quoting those law in decree 778 that the federal government of Nigeria said if an individual is caught by the federal road safety marshals or policemen for not wearing seatbelt he/she must be punished. As Warri that does not carry last, I told them that where were they when this same law was amended two years ago that if you are not using your car seatbelt you have to tight the one on your waist very strong so that your trouser will not pull off if you have an accident. They turned to each other and turned back to me. "Bros, so government have changed the law? They asked. I said yes. One of them then said, "So they haved changed this law and D.P.O did not tell us?" Bros thank you oh! God bless you, go, go, go!!!!".

Two Jewish men, Barrabas and Onesimus, were sitting in a Nigerian restaurant in Lagos. Barrabas asked Onesimus, ‘Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in Nigeria?’

Onesimus replied, ‘I don’t know, let’s just ask the waiter.’

When Ofego the waiter came by, Onesimus asked him, ‘Are there any Nigerian Jews?’

Ofego said, ‘I don't know, let me ask Effiong, ’ He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, ‘No sir, no Nigerian Jews.’

Onesimus wasn’t really satisfied with that and asked, ‘Are you absolutely sure?’

Ofego, realising he was dealing with ‘foreigners gave the expected answer, ‘Make I check again,’ and went back into the kitchen.

While Ofego was away in the kitchen, Barrabas said, ‘I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Nigeria. Our people are scattered everywhere.’

Ofego returned and said, ‘Effiong say there is no Nigerian Jews.’

‘Are you certain?’ Onesimus asked once again, ‘I just can’t believe there are no Nigerian Jews!’

‘Listen, I asked EVERYONE,’ replied the frustrated Ofego, ‘All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews & Tomato Jews! -

No Nigerian Jews !!! ‘

*** A goat and a chicken were discussing along the
road side,suddenly a car passed and splashed water on them angrily the

chicken said dont mind them
that is how they drive like goat.

the goat smiled and
said hmmm no wonder they die like chicken.


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Since my Landlord traveled, his wife always bring a particular guy to the house to sleep till morning. Do you think I should call my Landlord? Because his wife is Cheating on me.

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Ofego was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn wife.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, Ofego exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head Ofego replied "I've tried that, it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

valiantheartprod:
brain teaser....
CRACK YOUR BRAINS:
One fateful day a some rubbers went to rob a
bank. The leader threatened to kill the cashier if he
didn't open the vault. The cashier told him the
vault is not opened with keys but with a password.
You can't kill me since I am the only one who
knows the password and everyday the password is
different. He shot the cashier, entered the
password,opened the vault and robbed all the
money.
What is the password?

the password of the vault is different

1. Who says there are less talented individuals, in Nigeria? To survive in this country alone is a Talent 2. Buhari needs a Nigerian mum that will ask him "All this presidents that your qoing to visit in their country,do they ever come to your own.? 3. There is something I've noticed about the Igbos. They don't have a violent bloodline and even when they try to be violent, it must be profitable! For example, an Igbo man would rather use you for money ritual than waste you with bomb blast. 4. Interviewer : So how far did you Go with your Educatioon? Me : I didnt go far Because our school was just behind Our House.

An angry wife called her husband on phone: Wife: Hello, where the hell r u? Husband: Honey, u remember that ... Jewelry shop where u saw that diamond necklace and u totally fell in luv wit it? D wife relaxed wit a smile. ... Wife: Yes, The King of my heart, I do remember. Husband: And u remember I did not have money 2 buy it 4 u at that time and I told u"Honey, that necklace will be yours one day" The wife ...is totally relaxed with a big smile now and even blushing. Wife: Yes I remember my love. Husband: Good, I am in the beer Bar next to that shop.

An angry wife called her husband on phone: Wife: Hello, where the hell r u? Husband: Honey, u remember that ... Jewelry shop where u saw that diamond necklace and u totally fell in luv wit it? D wife relaxed wit a smile. ... Wife: Yes, The King of my heart, I do remember. Husband: And u remember I did not have money 2 buy it 4 u at that time and I told u"Honey, that necklace will be yours one day" The wife ...is totally relaxed with a big smile now and even blushing. Wife: Yes I remember my love. Husband: Good, I am in the beer Bar next to that shop.

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room, Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

The new Pastor entered the children's class as the lesson was in progress and asked, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" A lad answered, "Not me, sir." The pastor turned to the teacher, Ofego, and asked, "Is this the usual behaviour in this class?" Ofego replied, "I believe this boy is an honest boy, and I really don't think he did it." Leaving the room, the pastor sought out a deacon and explained what had happened. The deacon said, "I have known both the boy and Ofego for several years, and neither of them would do such a thing." By this time the pastor was heartsick and reported the incident to the Christian Education Committee. They said, "We see no point in making an issue out of this thing. Let's pay the bill for the damage to the walls and charge it to upkeep.

emeka: Augustine you look very happy today, what happened? Augustine: Today was the day I decided to be serious about life. I took a bold step that many of my friends can't take. I went for HIV Testing and I came back very HAPPY because the Clinic was closed.

TRUE MEANING OF MALE STATEMENTS

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

Jealousy!!!
Na jealous go kill some women oooo. Wife came from night duty work early morning as police officer; she entered her husband room, She saw 4 legs crossing each other covering with blanket on her matrimonial bed, She quietly picked a big iron stick and started beating them till they both fainted, She rushed to kitchen to get boiling water to pour on them but to her surprised she met her husband in kitchen cooking, Husband:- Honey u are back, welcome, your mum and dad came last night but u didn't drop guest room key that's why l allowed them to use our room...
[color=#770077][/color][i][/i]

Funny Fail's Collection , Full gallery :
http://www.smstv.org/fotogalerija/fotogalerija/117

Akpos stopped at a bar after work to have a drink. He started talking to a girl even though he is married, he thought she is so fine that he agreed to go to her place.

When he got to her place, he found out that she is a prostitute and that she wanted 5,000 Naira.

“Forget it,” Akpos said, “You never told me you were a prostitute. But I do have 500 Naira with me, will you take that?”

“You won’t get any decent prostitute for that amount,” she replied.

She threw him out.

Later that night, Akpos and his wife went out for dinner. While they were eating, the same prostitute who happened to be eating there too recognised Akpos.

She came up to him and said, “See, I told you. Look at the kind of trash you picked up for 500 Naira.”

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What is the height of stupidity?
Two bald men fighting for a comb!

A man who bed-wets went to see a psychiatrist.
PSYCHIATRIST: Does a dream usually precede your bed-wetting? Tell me how it happens.
MAN: A little demon appears to me in my sleep and says, "Oya, let us pee". Then, I wake up to see the bed wet with my urine.
PSYCHIATRIST: This is what you must do. If the demon comes tonight and tells you "let us pee", just reply him that you have already peed.
The man left and returned the following day with tears streaming down his face.
PSYCHIATRIST: Why are you weeping? Didn't my therapy work?
MAN: Walahi, you have worsened my case!
PSYCHIATRIST: What? How?
MAN: When the demon came, I told him I'd already peed. Then he said, "Oya, let us shit!"

A couple that has been married for twenty-five years were both recently diagnosed of having diabetes.

Findings later showed that they both contacted the disease as a result of names they called each other like: Honey pie, sweetie, sugar cane, etc.

So please prevent diabetes by starting early by calling your spouse names like: Yoyo bitters, chloroquine, agbalumo, pepper fruit, alabukun, dogoyaro, bitter leaf, etc.


Have a healthy and sugar-free romantic life.

Its been a great experience over this forum .

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, very impossible.
2. You, after reading 1, will try it.
3. And discover 1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are feeling silly.
5. You soon will start calling me silly boy.
6. There is still a silly smile on your face.
7. I sincerely apologise about this but I fell victim and I needed company. You now have 2 options, ignore the post and wish it's not possible, or comment on it to put a smile on someone's face today.


Some will view and won't comment you know why? Because they are mad at me for making them look silly.

Zifa went to buy a cigarette. Immediately he was given, he started smoking it.

Sales Girl: Sir, No smoking in the shop.
Zifa: But I purchased the cigarette here.
Sales Girl: We also sell condom here, and it doesn't mean you can start fucking us with it.

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar. The waiter asks them what the discussion was about? Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.. Waiter :- Why a donkey? Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".

A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"
The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The surprised wife responds, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."
He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"