kreami diva: @LaShawn, are you sure you did not date my ex

Hmmm! God is wonderful o. This guy and my ex na the same o. My own na story for another day.

I've read that abusive men all act in a similar way, like they were schooled in the same institution.

LaShawn:
I've read that abusive men all act in a similar way, like they were schooled in the same institution.

My dear,this one was obsessed about me. But the last straw was when he called my folks,insulting them! I went maaad. My mum had seen the marks on my back from his belt and she knew at that time,that it was best for me to leave. I walked and never looked back. I changed all my sims. I ran,i ran. He looked for me everywhere. Till now,even though he's married,he's still trying to reach me. He admitted to someone that he saw my name on Facebook and added the girl thinking it was me.

Btw dude is a lawyer o.




To cut the long story short,have you moved on

That day as I changed my sim, my dad's call came in.
After assuring me she wouldn't tell him, my mum had waited patiently for him to come back from his journey that evening and had downloaded everything to him angrily.

What did you say Derin did? Is that why you switched off your phone? Put on your phone, my daughter. If he calls you tell him NEVER to call you again. And NEVER pick his calls again. You hear me? Don't be afraid. You are my daughter and nothing....

Omo, I can't explain the feeling and euphoria when I heard those words. I felt like I could stand up against 10 Derins. I felt like freedom was finally here. My dad was for me, who could stand against me? I felt life flow back in me and I wasn't so ashamed in letting people know little bits of what had happened to me.

kreami diva:

My dear,this one was obsessed about me. But the last straw was when he called my folks,insulting them! I went maaad. My mum had seen the marks on my back from his belt and she knew at that time,that it was best for me to leave.

Btw dude is a lawyer o.


To cut the long story short,have you moved on

Na wa for these pipu.

I have tried to move on. I've tried to be strong. Just that he keeps imposing himself into my present. I told my friend who brings his sorry tales to stop talking to him. She says she can't.

Daresh:

You and I are in the same situation except in my case, the first time was on our "honeymoon". The last time was on Friday. I know I need to leave.

A man beat you on your honeymoon and you are still there?
Nne pick race o

If i stay for an hour without calling him,he'll call and say

"what is his name?"

"Whose name" i would reply

"The guy that is making you forget me!"

I felt choked! I pitied him. He needed help but I'm no psychotherapist nah! After beating me,he would buy the world the next minute! He was crazy. Na him wife i dey pity now.(that is if he didn't meet his match!)

LaShawn: You need to tell your parents, she tells me. What he did is wrong, very wrong.

I got back to the hostel and called my mum. I started off with the sentence that I couldn't continue with Derin any longer.
Mum didn't wait for me to finish. I didn't even start sef.

Mum: Issues always come up in relationships, my daughter. There's no perfect man out there. You shouldn't act rashly out of anger, you know?

Me: But...

Mum: I'll call you later, Lashawn. We'll have a long talk, o? my daughter.

Me: *resignedly
OK, mum.

At that moment, I felt dejected. I felt like I had just been abandoned at the mercy of this heartless man because believe it or not, I needed my parents validation for what I wanted to do which was to walk away.

Minutes later, she called me back. I was thankful.
What happened? What did you say Derin did, mum asked.

I didn't even talk of all the insults prior to that. I just touched on how he'd called someone and lied on me.

I could sense and hear the anger in my mum and I felt hope come alive. For some reason, I begged her not to tell my dad who was away on a journey.

I won't, she assured me. I'll call you later.

Now that I had my folks support, I switched off my phone as Derin was bombarding me with calls and texts. He had turned from accusatory to pleading. Slyly dodging the gravity of what he'd done with an ambiguous 'Mo mo pe mo ti she e. Jo da ri ji mi'.

Later that night, I walked to an eatery and from what had become habit, I was panicky because I was doing what had been forbidden for months-go out.
The evening breeze seemed alien, I was used to my little room in the hostel. I forced myself to order food and I changed my sim to a new one I'd bought to make night calls with my bestie. I'd also called my family with it a few times (buying that sim was one of the few times I rebelled and it was done to help me keep the few friends he hadn't drove away). He called my phone most nights and heaven help me if my sim was 'busy' or 'call waiting'. I got the sim so I and my bestie could share our relationship wahala. It kept me sane.

I am beginning to think you are writing a novel

LaShawn:

Na wa for these pipu.

I have tried to move on. I've tried to be strong. Just that he keeps imposing himself into my present. I told my friend who brings his sorry tales to stop talking to him. She says she can't.

Please permit me to ask how old are you?
You are talking about hostel so I suppose you are an undergraduate
Did your father abuse your mom
Where did you learn to allow someone treat you this way?
How can you take all this shait from an ordinary boyfriend
Is he the only man in Benin?
I promise you there is a man out there that will treat you nice
This man is sick and you are beginning to sound like you need help too
The longer you stay with this zero,the smaller and smaller you become and the more you are sucked in
This is sick
You are enabling him by allowing it and you need to wake up fast
It is not your duty to change anyone,get out fast
Did you do a blood oath and you fear death.
Even that can be broken
Run out fast,if there are no friends or parent to tell you that u need to get out listen to the words of a concerned stranger who has been in the marriage business for years.
You should love yourself enough to command respect from a man and people around you.
How can you allow a bona fide lunatic control your every move ?

I hope the young ladies are reading
If he pushes,shoves,threatens,slaps,controls your every move ,limits your friendship and people you can associate with as a boyfriend please get out now.
It is not normal behavior

babyosisi:

A man beat you on your honeymoon and you are still there?
Nne pick race o

Ah na stale gist be that naw.

Twas days after my sister's wedding that her ex hubby started calling her names in the presence of people who they were having drinks with. He stood up and advanced towards her but my brother stood up and told him not to even think about touching her.

My dear,that marriage didn't last up to a year. My sister is doing very very well on her own.

kreami diva:

Ah na stale gist be that naw.

Twas days after my sister's wedding that her ex hubby started calling her names in the presence of people who they were having drinks with. He stood up and advanced towards her but my brother stood up and told him not to even think about touching her.

My dear,that marriage didn't last up to a year. My sister is doing very very well on her own.

I wrote earlier about my own sister too
I wish I could have her come to this thread and chronicle her experience in a hellish emotionally and physically abusive marriage before she ran out pregnant to save her life and that of her unborn child.
My own mother overheard the man yell at her and call her a goat,mumu etc and was in tears
He didn't know my mom was within an ear shot
Imagine sending your wife on an errand and add," make sure you return quickly,I need the car,don't go there and be doing like mumu"
And my sister is one of the smartest females I know.
Can you imagine what will possess a man to address his wife that way,a woman he pleaded and courted and she left Obodo oyibo to go marry him and live in Naija.
Anyway thank God she got out before she became Vanguard news about a port harcourt woman cut to pieces by a deranged husband

yellowpawpaw:

Do you have proof?? If you don't, kindly keep your unwarranted opinion/accusation to yourself.

If anyone needs to grow up, it's you.

@lashawn, don't be swayed, I am enjoying your story.

yellowpawpaw:

I have my suspicions about that story
Looks like she is releasing pieces of a book which will be unfortunate because this thread has real stories with real people.i hate being taken on a ride

I remember how I will go to parties with my sisters and how this guy will all of a sudden be forming sickness. He was a very good actor. Always changing mood before I go out even to a dinner without him. And calling me almost every hour. When I figured out the game I started forgetting my phone in the car. Then he would now change gear to insulting my sisters and insinuating that she wanted to introduce me to another man. Lmao. If a friend dare invite me out I will hear her life story. I guess that was supposed to change my mind from going out with her. A whole fine young uni student like me. He wanted to turn me to grandmama abi housewife. Shuo! Funny thing is that I always went against all his tactics and challenged him. Making him adopt new ones. I must not have been an easy catch for him either. Hahahahaha. I am a natural rebel anyway. So control never works for me. I feel trapped. If it makes sense to me, I will listen. If it doesn't, hell no. He didn't know that once he started reaching into my family that was it.

babyosisi:

I wrote earlier about my own sister too
I wish I could have her come to this thread and chronicle her experience in a hellish emotionally and physically abusive marriage before she ran out pregnant to save her life and that of her unborn child.
My own mother overheard the man yell at her and call her a goat,mumu etc and was in tears
He didn't know my mom was within an ear shot
Imagine sending your wife on an errand and add," make sure you return quickly,I need the car,don't go there and be doing like mumu"
And my sister is one of the smartest females I know.
Can you imagine what will possess a man to address his wife that way,a woman he pleaded and courted and she left Obodo oyibo to go marry him and live in Naija.
Anyway thank God she got out before she became Vanguard news about a port harcourt woman cut to pieces by a deranged husband

She's a mumu because she agreed to marry him right Ah no blame am.

kreami diva:

She's a mumu because she agreed to marry him right Ah no blame am.

Abi o
All of us were mumu then because the whole family fell for him
Very charming
We were all fooled

babyosisi:

I have my suspicions about that story
Looks like she is releasing pieces of a book which will be unfortunate because this thread has real stories with real people.i hate being taken on a ride

I read some of the write ups and some pple's comments too.some knew already.

U, wu zetian, use ur head and not ur heart. It will do u good

kreami diva:

My dear,this one was obsessed about me. But the last straw was when he called my folks,insulting them! I went maaad. My mum had seen the marks on my back from his belt and she knew at that time,that it was best for me to leave. I walked and never looked back. I changed all my sims. I ran,i ran. He looked for me everywhere. Till now,even though he's married,he's still trying to reach me. He admitted to someone that he saw my name on Facebook and added the girl thinking it was me.

Btw dude is a lawyer o.




To cut the long story short,have you moved on

He beat you with a belt? Wow!

Abeg, if this isn't a family situation like the one Yellowpawpaw highlighted, what [b]in God's name stops people in abusive relationships from just walking out [/b]without a backward glance, the way baby123 and Osisi did?

Well people would have different reasons...

1) Love could be one of the reasons. You might still love the person in a twisted way.
2) Desperation to be married (especially in Nigeria)
3) fear of divorce
4) the kids
5) lack of finances

kreami diva: If i stay for an hour without calling him,he'll call and say

"what is his name?"

"Whose name" i would reply

"The guy that is making you forget me!"

I felt choked! I pitied him. He needed help but I'm no psychotherapist nah! After beating me,he would buy the world the next minute! He was crazy. Na him wife i dey pity now.(that is if he didn't meet his match!)

Thanks for sharing Kreami

All these experiences again go to buttress the fact that the question 'what did you do to cause it' is hardly ever relevant. The problem is almost always the abuser who has often laid the groundwork with the emotional and verbal abuse and the cycle naturally escalates to physical.

Let me say something here that many men may not like including my own hubby if he reads this but it is so true
Almost every man wants to control his partner
It is a man's nature and make up to control the things around him including his family
The same make up that makes them protect their own also makes them wAnt to be in total control
It is the duty of a woman in marriage to wisely set a boundary and create some independence for herself
Anyone who has been married to the same man and is comfortable in the marriage knows exactly what I am talking about
And it is not easy to obtain ,the man will resist it and term it " open eye" and non submissiveness etc
But you are just trying to be allowed to be your own person within the marriage and there is nothing wrong in it.

That is why I insist every married woman should have a job and earn her own money
There is some level of respect when he knows you can take care of yourself and are pulling your weight .
I have heard women hiding clothing in the garage and in their cars so the man won't be upset
Well if You made your own money and had your own personal account even if you had a joint account,he cannot be mad that you bought a new pair of shoes or sent money to help your brother out .
Babyosisi ain't hiding no shoes in no cupboards,I work too hard for it.

Marriage is good and I love my husband to pieces,he is not perfect by any stretch and neither am I but we are determined to make it work,thank God he is a Christian man that fears God.
I have written here before that I have this one chance at marriage,I will not do this marriage thing with anyone else lai lai
It is hardwork to fashion my life to align with hubby and I have invested a lot into it and God knows I don't have the energy to start it with anyone else
It is not easy training a man to your taste wallahi
Men are tough creatures

baby_123: I remember how I will go to parties with my sisters and how this guy will all of a sudden be forming sickness. He was a very good actor. Always changing mood before I go out even to a dinner without him. And calling me almost every hour. When I figured out the game I started forgetting my phone in the car. Then he would now change gear to insulting my sisters and insinuating that she wanted to introduce me to another man. Lmao. If a friend dare invite me out I will hear her life story. I guess that was supposed to change my mind from going out with her. A whole fine young uni student like me. He wanted to turn me to grandmama abi housewife. Shuo! Funny thing is that I always went against all his tactics and challenged him. Making him adopt new ones. I must not have been an easy catch for him either. Hahahahaha. I am a natural rebel anyway. So control never works for me. I feel trapped. If it makes sense to me, I will listen. If it doesn't, hell no. He didn't know that once he started reaching into my family that was it.

Can u, wu zetian c d differnce?
Some of us rnt kids.
The narration alone tells u that she is reporting a case that happened in d past, she will never remember the word for word EVERYTHING that happened.
Some of course r glued to her head but there is no way she can report it like what I saw there.
We r very gulliable and no wonder some pple outrightly at d beginning condemned this thread.

babyosisi:
It is a man's nature and make up to control the things around him including his family
The same make up that makes them protect their own also makes them wAnt to be in total control
It is the duty of a woman in marriage to wisely set a boundary and create some independence for herself

What is the "woman's nature"? And what is the man's duty in relation to this nature?

stillwater:

He beat you with a belt? Wow!




Well people would have different reasons...

1) Love could be one of the reasons. You might still love the person in a twisted way.
2) Desperation to be married (especially in Nigeria)
3) fear of divorce
4) the kids
5) lack of finances

In addition to loving the person, some also believe that the abuser is exhibiting those behaviors out of love for them. Especially since the perp makes sure the sweet times are veeerrrry sweet!

Do you know that many many people do not necessarily believe her story to be true?
The only reason they keep shut is because they are reasonable and sensitive enough to know that if in any way she is saying the truth, their condemnation of her story might do more harm than good.

Even If you don't think her story is true, why wouldn't you just shut up and ignore it?? Is her story causing any harm?? So what exactly is your problem??

Cathaliya:
One way, no looking back.

As you clear eye beatme, I go clear eye kill you or lock you up...all depends on the gravity of beating.

Cathaliya:
Ehe nah. No need to come here and share stories. I go treat im f..uckup there...asap.

Cathaliya:
thank God you said razz girls dont fall a victim cus those supposed mike tysons know that they are no match for real hood biatches...!

They dont even dare...cus they will go home with high heels-punctured face.

Too darn funny!

Wu Zetian:
What is the "woman's nature"? And what is the man's duty in relation to this nature?

We are doing some straight talk now sis
Why do you think women leave an abusive marriage and the new husband is just like the last?
If you talk with friends u will found out that we all complain about the same things

They are not caring or romantic enough
They don't listen
They yell
Don't compliment your clothing or say " I love you" enough
Will not listen to a thing you say when they are watching football
Don't like their wives going out alone all dressed up or talking and laughing loudly on the phone when they are around


Majority of men don't hit their wives I should think
That is a sick extreme
But they all have a need to control

I am just saying it like it is dear
You teach people how to treat you
I am deviating slightly from the topic here about violent men,that is an extreme and my views on that are already stated on the thread

ileobatojo:

In addition to loving the person, some also believe that the abuser is exhibiting those behaviors out of love for them. Especially since the perp makes sure the sweet times are veeerrrry sweet!

True. I thought it was love initially. And to his credit he did have some good traits. After a while I began to feel his happiness and so much more rested on my shoulders. That was quite a big burden for a young student to carry. It's been over 10yrs now. After that relationship I ran away from emotionally handicapped people. That kind of experience the mind is only able to go through it once in a lifetime. Being a well adjusted adult means you are emotionally stable. I thank God sha for the experience. Imagine believing such a thing was love when I was ready to choose a spouse.

babyosisi: Let me say something here that many men may not like including my own hubby if he reads this but it is so true
Almost every man wants to control his partner
It is a man's nature and make up to control the things around him including his family
The same make up that makes them protect their own also makes them wAnt to be in total control
It is the duty of a woman in marriage to wisely set a boundary and create some independence for herself
Anyone who has been married to the same man and is comfortable in the marriage knows exactly what I am talking about
And it is not easy to obtain ,the man will resist it and term it " open eye" and non submissiveness etc
But you are just trying to be allowed to be your own person within the marriage and there is nothing wrong in it.

That is why I insist every married woman should have a job and earn her own money
There is some level of respect when he knows you can take care of yourself and are pulling your weight .
I have heard women hiding clothing in the garage and in their cars so the man won't be upset
Well if You made your own money and had your own personal account even if you had a joint account,he cannot be mad that you bought a new pair of shoes or sent money to help your brother out .

Marriage is good and I love my husband to pieces,he is not perfect by any stretch and neither am I bit we are determined to make it work
I have written here before that I have this one chance at marriage,I will not do this marriage thing with anyone else
It is hardwork to fashion my life to align with hubby and I have invested a lit into it and God knows I don't have the energy to start it with anyone else
It is not easy training a man to your taste wallahi
Men are tough creatures

U r right, but at times I blame society.
Society expects men to be controlling and in charge,u r seen as weak if u don't maintain d status qou.

I will give u an example. In my place, its expected that the first son takes over the headship of the family once d daddy is no more.
In my bro case, he took the role very early. He was further damaged by our uncle who always tells him that women r but a ppty. My uncle a kind of maltreated d wife and my small bro saw it all. He used to tell me how my uncle's wife don't ever talk when my uncle is talking,and hosts of other things.
My mum also contributed her own but when she realised what she has done,it was too late. The seed has been planted and gosh,nothing can be done any more.

....

baby_123:

True. I thought it was love initially. And to his credit he did have some good traits. After a while I began to feel his happiness and so much more rested on my shoulders. That was quite a big burden for a young student to carry. It's been over 10yrs now. After that relationship I ran away from emotionally handicapped people. That kind of experience the mind is only able to go through it once in a lifetime. Being a well adjusted adult means you are emotionally stable. I thank God sha for the experience. Imagine believing such a thing was love when I was ready to choose a spouse.

Imagine? It would have been the worst time to make such a huge blunder.