@Lashawn

Your would be partner already exhibiting severe possessive and abusive tendencies at the dating level and you didn't pick race... na so the low self esteem reach I don't understand some things and some things defile accurate thinking

@ile
Asking a victim, “What are you doing to provoke the abuse?” or “If it’s so bad, why do you stay with him?”

Are you saying the abused have no culpability whatsoever ? And why won't you have people say,"If it’s so bad, why do you stay with him" when we have scenarios like Lashawn's and countless others who knowing get into abusive relationships or who do not have sufficient courage to get out. I understand it could get more complicated for wives but for girlfriends it defies any logical reasoning.

I did not knowingly get in an abusive relationship. I laugh if you think the relationship started off that way.

When I met him, I'd just broken off with my first boyfriend. And he came into my life like a Knight in shiny armour. The relationship got serious very fast too. Within days, I met the mum. And he was hankering to meet my folks too. I thought I'd finally met someone who was crazy about me.

The abuse started in bits. And every single episode got worse. The more I forgave, the more it became.

And don't forget those that will tell you that you are a woman and you can change him.

I didn't know anything about abusive relationships. I grew up in a house where my parents were childhood sweethearts who'd married young. I still remember my Dad cornering my towel clad mum into a room when I was young, Because I knocked and knocked and didn't get any answer. They were and are still very much in love. I am an only daughter so I am cherished and I was protected.

Anyways. Will be back if I still feel like talking.

These are the messages that same guy sent to my friend last week. I'll copy and paste. In case you are wondering, the 'She' and 'her' in thr message refer to me. I've avoided him since we broke up almost three years now and he is still on my neck. That was How he always would beg after every episode when I was still with him. READ BELOW.

Life... She's really ♍γ̲̣̣̥ friend
I sincerely miss her so much
Wunmi... Talk τ̅☺ her ... Please at least tell her τ̅☺ allow M̶̲̥̅ε̲̣̣̣ call her.. Please let M̶̲̥̅ε̲̣̣̣ just talk τ̅☺ her
*asking because have not been able τ̅☺ settle down because of the LOVE I have for Her

Please pick race....and never look back

IS it possible to be locationally and regionally removed from that guy?

Some guys can go ballistic after a while

If he is in lag, move to abuja... and keep your circle tight///

It is well

@Lashaun
Please don't give the bobo any chance. Flee as fast as you can and move on and never return. Save yourself the emotional trauma and heartbreak that would inevitably follow any kind of marital union you may have together. Don't fall for his tricks.

God is your strenght.

Donxavier: @Lashawn

And why won't you have people say,"If it’s so bad, why do you stay with him" when we have scenarios like Lashawn's and countless others who knowing get into abusive relationships or who do not have sufficient courage to get out. I understand it could get more complicated for wives but for girlfriends it defies any logical reasoning.

Yes, that part seem confusing unless you read the explanation in the article. I too was initially confused about that part and some other parts, so I too learned something. That section was talking about how the victims can be re-victimized. So it can happen either by blaming them for the abuse or blaming them for staying or threatening to take their kids away if they stay (for another example from the article). So it's about how the system can just make them feel 're-victimized' by adding blame and guilt and what not to their sorrows when they seek help.

Donxavier:

@ile
Asking a victim, “What are you doing to provoke the abuse?” or “If it’s so bad, why do you stay with him?”

Are you saying the abused have no culpability whatsoever ?

Let's use assault an example. If someone abuses your mother and your father and you beat him to a pulp, when you are arrested for assault, will the judge set you free because he abused your mother and your father?

The point is, there is no excuse to deliberately physically harm someone, apart from self defense. Everyone should keep their hands to themselves! And it applies for other types of abuse too.

The other aspect of that question is that it in a sense trivializes what happens to them. 'It's not so bad that he beat you because you yelled at him'. No, it actually is so bad. If you're being yelled at, or verbally abused, please handle it like a well adjusted member of society instead of devolving.

Also, it blames the victim. Which everyone that asks it denies they are trying to do. But that's exactly what they are doing.

LaShawn: Anyways. Will be back if I still feel like talking.

These are the messages that same guy sent to my friend last week. I'll copy and paste. In case you are wondering, the 'She' and 'her' in thr message refer to me. I've avoided him since we broke up almost three years now and he is still on my neck. That was How he always would beg after every episode when I was still with him. READ BELOW.

Life... She's really ♍γ̲̣̣̥ friend
I sincerely miss her so much
Wunmi... Talk τ̅☺ her ... Please at least tell her τ̅☺ allow M̶̲̥̅ε̲̣̣̣ call her.. Please let M̶̲̥̅ε̲̣̣̣ just talk τ̅☺ her
*asking because have not been able τ̅☺ settle down because of the LOVE I have for Her

Lashawn, thank God for your life that you escaped. Stay strong dear, and never look back. This guy is the classic, textbook abuser. He's not changing anytime soon.

I found out that most abused relationship have one thing in common.
The victim is yearning for what he/she think that only the abuser has. So the abuser uses that to pin the victim down.

I also found out that emotional abuse is the worst form of abuse in the history of man.

If u r in an abused r/ship, check what vaccum u want d abuser to fill and start mending from there. Either lv, money, trust,self will or self sufficiency. Eg, a low esteemed wifey will start counting her best qualities, telling herself she is unique and beautiful, she is too fat(she better hit d gym), dress up to please herself. Start talking to urself when he is not around positively(assuming u can't find ur voice in his presence). That will build u up.
May all d abused victims find the desired help they need to move on. Life is beautiful and nobody has d right not to make u unhappy.
It is well.
May God help us all.

ypp liked!/// I still think all forms of abuse are bad

no body like to be treated badly at all... sexxually, financially etc

pickabeau1: ypp liked!/// I still think all forms of abuse are bad

no body like to be treated badly at all... sexxually, financially etc

Yes all form of abuse r really bad but emotional abuse, who will believe u? Rather pple will be heaping blame on u for being d bad one.
In physical, what I wouldn't hv believed when seeing d physical abuse will make me quickly change my mind whether u r right or wrong.
Remember, emotional abuse account for most of the suicide we witness around. Since nobody believes them, make they kukuma end it all. And no physical evidence to back it up. Infact,they r living corpses!

The problem with blaming the victim is that we pass the message across to someone being abused that they are doing something wrong to deserve being abused hence they blame themselves and resign their fate to accept bullying and abuse.

Like Ile Said, people should keep their hands to themselves.
What most people don't understand about abuse is that before the first slap the person through several verbal ways has been stripped of his or her self esteem. You are made to feel "Lucky" that the abuser is staying with you, you are made to beg even when you have done nothing wrong so when the hitting starts it always seems as if that too is your fault.

It takes a lot of mental rewiring for someone to understand that abuse is abuse and it should not be condoned.

We have a long way to go.

These days when my friend speaks with abused women she says one common thing she notices when they first come in is the need to defend their abusers, explain why the person abuses them, most times they feel its their fault.

"Its not his fault sometimes its because of what I do sometimes"
"Its because I am not neat enough" "Its because I don't answer him on time" "Its because other men look at me sometimes" "Its because I put on weight after my baby"

"Its because I question his movements and affairs, maybe I should learn to be more patient and learn to turn a blind eye"

yellowpawpaw:
Yes all form of abuse r really bad but emotional abuse, who will believe u? Rather pple will be heaping blame on u for being d bad one.
In physical, what I wouldn't hv believed when seeing d physical abuse will make me quickly change my mind whether u r right or wrong.
Remember, emotional abuse account for most of the suicide we witness around. Since nobody believes them, make they kukuma end it all. And no physical evidence to back it up. Infact,they r living corpses!

Good point...really tragic though

ileobatojo:

Yes, that part seem confusing unless you read the explanation in the article. I too was initially confused about that part and some other parts, so I too learned something. That section was talking about how the victims can be re-victimized. So it can happen either by blaming them for the abuse or blaming them for staying or threatening to take their kids away if they stay (for another example from the article). So it's about how the system can just make them feel 're-victimized' by adding blame and guilt and what not to their sorrows when they seek help.
Let's use assault an example. If someone abuses your mother and your father and you beat him to a pulp, when you are arrested for assault, will the judge set you free because he abused your mother and your father?
The point is, there is no excuse to deliberately physically harm someone, apart from self defense. Everyone should keep their hands to themselves! And it applies for other types of abuse too.
The other aspect of that question is that it in a sense trivializes what happens to them. 'It's not so bad that he beat you because you yelled at him'. No, it actually is so bad. If you're being yelled at, or verbally abused, please handle it like a well adjusted member of society instead of devolving.

Also, it blames the victim. Which everyone that asks it denies they are trying to do. But that's exactly what they are doing.

what should be done about the aggressor? This goes to the heart of what i have been trying to say on this thread. Wife verbally and emotionally abuses her husband, Husband physically abuses the Wife. There is outrage at the Physical abuse and rightly so, but nothing is done to the verbal abuse of the wife that led to the physical abuse in the first place. The wife is a victim, as such she should not be blamed and has no culpability in the whole event. The husband is a monster and should be locked up.

The husband is expected to handle the abuse without devolving but we don't expect the wife to behave well. It's a woman's world

debrief08:
What most people don't understand about abuse is that before the first slap the person through several verbal ways has been stripped of his or her self esteem. You are made to feel "Lucky" that the abuser is staying with you, you are made to beg even when you have done nothing wrong so when the hitting starts it always seems as if that too is your fault.

Great post Debrief and I wanted to highlight this part which is also really important too. Inasmuch as people want to ask, "what did you do to cause it?" they don't realize that the abuse has already been going on even before the first slap like you said. The person being beat up has usually already been a victim of emotional and verbal abuse first, most especially for repeated partner beaters. It's usually a relationship they probably should have exited a long time ago (if in dating stages). So really, the victim really did not cause anything as the problem is really that the perpetrator is a controlling, manipulating, wicked person.

Look at a lot of the reasons you gave in your post why people get abused? None are valid reasons.

@ JK

Donxavier:

what should be done about the aggressor? This goes to the heart of what i have been trying to say on this thread. Wife verbally and emotionally abuses her husband, Husband physically abuses the Wife. There is outrage at the Physical abuse and rightly so, but nothing is done to the verbal abuse of the wife that led to the physical abuse in the first place. The wife is a victim, as such she should not be blamed and has no culpability in the whole event. The husband is a monster and should be locked up.

The husband is expected to handle the abuse without devolving but we don't expect the wife to behave well. It's a woman's world

First of all, your scenario is not the norm. Usually, the physical abuser is also the verbal and emotional abuser. So this fantasy you've made up to excuse abuse is mostly false.

Second, what do you mean nothing should be done about the verbal abuse? Did anybody stop the victim of verbal abuse from exiting the relationship? If you are a victim of verbal abuse, then you should find succor just like the victim of physical abuse does. It's that simple! No one is excusing any type of abuse. The answer to verbal abuse is not violence! Where does it end? So if someone verbally abuses you, then you physically abuse the person, is it okay for the person to poison your food and kill you in response? Like I said, every normal person should respond to their stressors like well adjusted members of society or bear the responsibility for their actions.

A verbal abuser should bear responsibility for being a verbal abuser, a physical abuser will have to do the same even if it is in 'retaliation'.

If the husband can handle day to day life provocations without devolving, then he most certainly can handle provocations from his wife without devolving. Or how many people does he beat up outside his home when they offend him? He's making a choice here. And if his choice is to beat her up, it's not acceptable. Whether you like it or not, it will never be acceptable.

@lashawn,
Obsession is not love. Please change your number and move away. Tell your friend to stop picking his calls. I know what I am saying here. These people are desperate and manipulative. They only think about themselves and not if the other party deserves better than what they are giving. They see you as a tool or property and if the can't have you, the become more dangerous trying to destroy you so no one else can. Get a job or do a masters somewhere far away from home. If your friend refuses to stop talking to him, cut her off too. Maybe she can go ahead and have him. Peace is paramount in any relationship. I have been there o. Even to the extent of being stalked. When a concrete excuse came I saw an opening and ran away praising God for the opportunity. Some people are unstable. About 7yrs after that he "happened" to show up to a place where I was attending a party. Co incidence? I ran away too. The first time I changed my number, address, friends everything. Even family members were running from him. This guy was suspicious of everyone, and very jealous. The emotional drain was too much. He was too needy, dependent and very insecure. Not like he wanted it to get better, that was his game to keep you emotionally bound. I am not an emotional person. So I felt so irritated and angry most times. Because I am a very free, and positive person. This guy with this attitude made me detest him. I couldn't stand it. Even my family were a problem to him. He will stalk me, knows my whole schedule, accuse me of everything under the sun while saying he would do anything for me, and if we fight and I try to break up he will stay where he knows I am, and embarrass me with begging and crying. In public. It was crazy o. I couldn't have 5mins to myself to just breathe, he was right there complaining about one thing or the other, or one missed time frame or the other. Ahh! You never see anything sha. SMH. Don't let him kick it up a notch and make you feel trapped

baby_123: @lashawn,
Obsession is not love. Please change your number and move away. Tell your friend to stop picking his calls. I know what I am saying here. These people are desperate and manipulative. They only think about themselves and not if the other party deserves better than what they are giving. They see you as a tool or property and if the can't have you, the become more dangerous trying to destroy you so no one else can. Get a job or do a masters somewhere far away from home. If your friend refuses to stop talking to him, cut her off too. Maybe she can go ahead and have him. Peace is paramount in any relationship. I have been there o. Even to the extent of being stalked. When a concrete excuse came I saw an opening and ran away praising God for the opportunity. Some people are unstable. About 7yrs after that he "happened" to show up to a place where I was attending a party. Co incidence? I ran away too. The first time I changed my number, address, friends everything. Even family members were running from him. This guy was suspicious of everyone, and very jealous. The emotional drain was too much. He was too needy, dependent and very insecure. Not like he wanted it to get better, that was his game to keep you emotionally bound. I am not an emotional person. So I felt so irritated and angry most times. Because I am a very free, and positive person. This guy with this attitude made me detest him. I couldn't stand it. Even my family were a problem to him. He will stalk me, knows my whole time table, accuse me of everything under the sun while saying he would do anything for me, and if we fight and I try to break up he will stay where he knows I am, and embarrass me with begging and crying. In public. It was crazy o. You never see anything sha. SMH. Don't let him kick it up a notch and make you feel trapped

A Nigerian man in Nigeria doing that, baby??

Unbelievable!

It's hard to tie that aspect of his personality with the violence - was he bipolar or what? Obviously a really unstable person for sure...

LaShawn: For me, I was well loved by my parents. It was my peers that made me have low self esteem Because I was a short, fat little girl with big cheeks and they teased me a lot about that.

To the people who said what do you do to make this people abuse you, I laugh.

The guy I was dating, I was in a long distance relationship with him. One afternoon, While I was visiting my aunt, I told him my aunt had promised to treat me, her daughters and sisters that night to Nkwobi. He gave a disinterested 'ehen'. That night he called me.

He: Where are you?
Me: I told you my aunt was taking us out. We are there.
He: Who are the people there?

Me: My aunt, my cousins, a family friend and her fiance.

Him: Can you leave that place for a place more private?
Me: Ok

I leave the table.

Him: *shouting

So who did your aunt attach with you?

Me: How do you mean?

Him: You chameleon. Liar. Get out!

He drops the call.

I walk to the table and the others stare at me questioningly But I try to compose myself. He calls back.

Him: What is the name of that place?

Me; I don't know. Aunt was the one that took us here.

Him: *shouting.
What do you mean you don't know. I know all your tricks, you pretender. So you are there, drinking beer? You are a....


That was How he called me over and over till I had to switch off the phone. I toldmyself it was over between us.

Over the next three days, I was bombarded with calls and texts. I'm begging you with your mum and Dad, he begged. Please, don't leave me. I can't control myself when it comes to you Because I love you so much. Please forgive me. So I forgave.

At a point, all I had to do was to breathe to get insults.


On another day, I called him on a night call as we'd planned.
Me: Hello, Derin.
Him: What's that making noise?
Me: I have two fans on.

Him: Get rid of that noise and call me back. He drops.

I stand up to switch off the fan that creaks. I leave the other one. Then I call back.

Him:*shouting.
I told you to get rid of that noise. Don't you have home training? Don't you....

I drop the call.


My people, at a point my heart starts pounding when he calls me. I was that scared and intimidated.

LaShawn,the above scenario was how our courtship was. If u love your life,don't take him back.

Efemena_xy:



A Nigerian man in Nigeria doing that, baby??

Unbelievable!

It's hard to tie that aspect of his personality with the violence - was he bipolar or what? Obviously a really unstable person for sure...

I don't know what his problem was. No we were not in Nigeria at that time. Men, I was in bondage. It was terrible. Violence ke? He knew when it comes to violence, where his madness ends is where my own begins. He knew not to go to level 2 because he was still trying to make level 1 stick without any luck. I guess that was his way of showing love. I felt trapped and in a pity relationship. The pity started becoming hate. All my friends and family he had something bad to say about everyone. Maybe because I had a very good level of esteem and a good knowledge of myself then. No man could come and change, manipulate or destroy my esteem. I just knew it wasn't healthy. And we both knew I was trying to get out.

baby_123: @lashawn,
Obsession is not love. Please change your number and move away. Tell your friend to stop picking his calls. I know what I am saying here. These people are desperate and manipulative. They only think about themselves and not if the other party deserves better than what they are giving. They see you as a tool or property and if the can't have you, the become more dangerous trying to destroy you so no one else can. Get a job or do a masters somewhere far away from home. If your friend refuses to stop talking to him, cut her off too. Maybe she can go ahead and have him. Peace is paramount in any relationship. I have been there o. Even to the extent of being stalked. When a concrete excuse came I saw an opening and ran away praising God for the opportunity. Some people are unstable. About 7yrs after that he "happened" to show up to a place where I was attending a party. Co incidence? I ran away too. The first time I changed my number, address, friends everything. Even family members were running from him. This guy was suspicious of everyone, and very jealous. The emotional drain was too much. He was too needy, dependent and very insecure. Not like he wanted it to get better, that was his game to keep you emotionally bound. I am not an emotional person. So I felt so irritated and angry most times. Because I am a very free, and positive person. This guy with this attitude made me detest him. I couldn't stand it. Even my family were a problem to him. He will stalk me, knows my whole schedule, accuse me of everything under the sun while saying he would do anything for me, and if we fight and I try to break up he will stay where he knows I am, and embarrass me with begging and crying. In public. It was crazy o. I couldn't have 5mins to myself to just breathe, he was right there complaining about one thing or the other, or one missed time frame or the other. Ahh! You never see anything sha. SMH. Don't let him kick it up a notch and make you feel trapped

The man you described here is probably the most dangerous of all
Keep far far away because some of them after months and years of hearing NO can eventually snap and hurt the object of their obsession.
They can wake up one day and decide to end it all if rejected and make one last attempt to get the woman back and if she refuses,they kill her and kill themselves.
Please run away from this guy.
They are sick in the head,some hide in bushes and watch the woman's every move to see who she is dating,where they go etc and it feeds their obsession more and more.

LaShawn: For me, I was well loved by my parents. It was my peers that made me have low self esteem Because I was a short, fat little girl with big cheeks and they teased me a lot about that.

To the people who said what do you do to make this people abuse you, I laugh.

The guy I was dating, I was in a long distance relationship with him. One afternoon, While I was visiting my aunt, I told him my aunt had promised to treat me, her daughters and sisters that night to Nkwobi. He gave a disinterested 'ehen'. That night he called me.

He: Where are you?
Me: I told you my aunt was taking us out. We are there.
He: Who are the people there?

Me: My aunt, my cousins, a family friend and her fiance.

Him: Can you leave that place for a place more private?
Me: Ok

I leave the table.

Him: *shouting

So who did your aunt attach with you?

Me: How do you mean?

Him: You chameleon. Liar. Get out!

He drops the call.

I walk to the table and the others stare at me questioningly But I try to compose myself. He calls back.

Him: What is the name of that place?

Me; I don't know. Aunt was the one that took us here.

Him: *shouting.
What do you mean you don't know. I know all your tricks, you pretender. So you are there, drinking beer? You are a....


That was How he called me over and over till I had to switch off the phone. I toldmyself it was over between us.

Over the next three days, I was bombarded with calls and texts. I'm begging you with your mum and Dad, he begged. Please, don't leave me. I can't control myself when it comes to you Because I love you so much. Please forgive me. So I forgave.

At a point, all I had to do was to breathe to get insults.


On another day, I called him on a night call as we'd planned.
Me: Hello, Derin.
Him: What's that making noise?
Me: I have two fans on.

Him: Get rid of that noise and call me back. He drops.

I stand up to switch off the fan that creaks. I leave the other one. Then I call back.

Him:*shouting.
I told you to get rid of that noise. Don't you have home training? Don't you....

I drop the call.


My people, at a point my heart starts pounding when he calls me. I was that scared and intimidated.

Jesus!

This is some real eye-popping stuff!

Lawshawn, if you don't mind my asking, how old is this guy? And what sort of family background does he come from? The relationship between his parents?

This is beyond what any sane-thinking human being would do! I've also just had a read of one of your threads about this same issue. Just like majority of the posters advocated - you'd best run far from this man thing, and erase any thoughts of wanting to communicate with him.

Ever heard of paranoia and schizophrenia? He sure fits the bill here. You've done well for yourself so far. Don't take 1 step forward and 10 backwards!

It is well.

babyosisi:

The man you described here is probably the most dangerous of all
Keep far far away because some of them after months and years of hearing NO can eventually snap and hurt the object of their obsession.
They can wake up one day and decide to end it all if rejected and make one last attempt to get the woman back and if she refuses,they kill her and kill themselves.
Please run away from this guy.
They are sick in the head,some hide in bushes and watch the woman's every move to see who she is dating,where they go etc and it feeds their obsession more and more.

But she's married now!

Shouldn't that in itself curb any obsessive tendencies on his part?

baby_123:
I don't know what his problem was. No we were not in Nigeria at that time. Men, I was in bondage. It was terrible. Violence ke? He knew when it comes to violence, where his madness ends is where my own begins. He knew not to go to level 2 because he was still trying to make level 1 stick without any luck. I guess that was his way of showing love. I felt trapped and in a pity relationship. The pity started becoming hate. All my friends and family he had something bad to say about everyone. Maybe because I had a very good level of esteem and a good knowledge of myself then. No man could come and change, manipulate or destroy my esteem. I just knew it wasn't healthy. And we both knew I was trying to get out.

Good on you for getting out when you did!

You know, one of the ABC's of relationships is that you don't go out with, or (heaven help you) marry someone out of PITY!

I honestly don't get some guys sha. Why does a woman's self-esteem threaten them? And going on self-esteem, the one thing I'm fast learning from this thread is that the onus is on us parents, to instill a good dose of self-esteem in our kids - especially our daughters. That way, the chances of any sad ar$ed guy trying to take them for a ride is virtually nil.

Again, I feel it can't be said enough - a woman (esp. in Naija) MUST have her own source of income. I'm reading stories about women who managed to detangle themselves from abusive (emotional / physical) relationships in the the nick of time before it was too late - but these seem to be all working women earning their own keep. I'm yet to read about a non-earning wife / girlfriend taking that giant step or leap of faith.

Royal Roy: Good points @ILeobatojo. There is a state in Nigeria that has a law against domestic violence in Nigeria. Only one state-imagine, thats Lagos state. Funny how the law enforcers in Nigeria still regard such abuse as family matter and they "advice" you to go back home and resolve the issue amicably.

It is not being enforced there either
There are many threads here where an abused woman is asked to go and settle with the husband

babyosisi:

The man you described here is probably the most dangerous of all
Keep far far away because some of them after months and years of hearing NO can eventually snap and hurt the object of their obsession.
They can wake up one day and decide to end it all if rejected and make one last attempt to get the woman back and if she refuses,they kill her and kill themselves.
Please run away from this guy.
They are sick in the head,some hide in bushes and watch the woman's every move to see who she is dating,where they go etc and it feeds their obsession more and more.

DH will break his legs, hands and pop his eye balls. That was an ex from a long time ago. Funny thing is he is quite successful. But that aspect of him I just did t understand. That period was hell. To satisfy him I compromised on somethings sef just so he can shut up. I look back and realize that was my opportunity to get far away and I missed it. We all go through different things to make us who we are today.

Efemena_xy:

But she's married now!

Shouldn't that in itself curb any obsessive tendencies on his part?



Good on you for getting out when you did!

You know, one of the ABC's of relationships is that you don't go out with, or (heaven help you) marry someone out of PITY!

I honestly don't get some guys sha. Why does a woman's self-esteem threaten them? And going on self-esteem, the one thing I'm fast learning from this thread is that the onus is on us parents, to instill a good dose of self-esteem in our kids - especially our daughters. That way, the chances of any sad ar$ed guy trying to take them for a ride is virtually nil.

Again, I feel it can't be said enough - a woman (esp. in Naija) MUST have her own source of income. I'm reading stories about women who managed to detangle themselves from abusive (emotional / physical) relationships in the the nick of time before it was too late - but these seem to be all working women earning their own keep. I'm yet to read about a non-earning wife / girlfriend taking that giant step or leap of faith.

some men get even more erratic when the woman is earning more than them. Or even earning anything at all. An abusive person is an abusive person period. The money might empower them, but it doesn't change who the man is except he wants to change and he makes the effort. Same with abusive women and there are many

My ex fiancé begged and begged and had his sisters begging me after we broke up
When I refused to return,he changed and started maligning me and got all our mutual friends to dislike me
When I refused to be intimidated,he started threatening me and I had to go into hiding
Funny enough they say his wife is almost a carbon copy of me
I hear he is now seriously swimming in Abuja money sha
I missed o rofl

Can you folks believe that the man till this day goes to visit and gives my relatives money
Unbelievable

babyosisi: My ex fiancé begged and begged and had his sisters begging me after we broke up
When I refused to return,he changed and started maligning me and got all our mutual friends to dislike me
When I refused to be intimidated,he started threatening me and I had to go into hiding
Funny enough they say his wife is almost a carbon copy of me
I hear he is now swimming in Abuja money sha
I missed o rofl

What was the level of his abuse?

babyosisi: My ex fiancé begged and begged and had his sisters begging me after we broke up
When I refused to return,he changed and started maligning me and got all our mutual friends to dislike me
When I refused to be intimidated,he started threatening me and I had to go into hiding
Funny enough they say his wife is almost a carbon copy of me
I hear he is now swimming in Abuja money sha
I missed o rofl

Can you folks believe that the man till this day goes to visit and gives my relatives money
Unbelievable

Was he physically abusive towards you? If he was, then you didn't miss anything jare.

Better look behind his wife's Gucci shades and underneath her foundation powder for black eyes and bruises...

baby_123: some men get even more erratic when the woman is earning more than them. Or even earning anything at all. An abusive person is an abusive person period. The money might empower them, but it doesn't change who the man is except he wants to change and he makes the effort. Same with abusive women and there are many

Re the bolded bit: So the question then is, why is this the case? Self-esteem issues for the man?

Honestly, if these guys grew up with working mothers, then seeing their girlfriends or wives work shouldn't even be an issue! Or what do they assume their education was for?

Donxavier:

What was the level of his abuse?

Fear he instilled in me
He attacked my new bobo then and destroyed stuff in his house.
I was afraid to go out
I had my bobo taking me everywhere I went
It was a scary time
He later met my fiancé and apologized for his bad behavior

But what I don't understand is why he is still so close to my family
He is a politician and whenever they come down to do rallies in the town where my parents live,he always visits
It is strange
He was at my family home a few months ago and my parents were out of the country but he gave money to my aunt and cousins in the house and asked about me.
I don't understand how he couldn't move on and forget me,it's been many years

babyosisi: My ex fiancé begged and begged and had his sisters begging me after we broke up
When I refused to return,he changed and started maligning me and got all our mutual friends to dislike me
When I refused to be intimidated,he started threatening me and I had to go into hiding
Funny enough they say his wife is almost a carbon copy of me
I hear he is now seriously swimming in Abuja money sha
I missed o rofl

Can you folks believe that the man till this day goes to visit and gives my relatives money
Unbelievable

This one too really insulted me to mutual friends and I did the same too when it was clear I was not coming back. And I had changed my number and location. Only a few trusted friends had it. I have not been one to care about who is talking, as long as I am happy with myself and have peace, let them talk jare.