I have been a casual observer on nairaland but i am currently going through some emotional issues and i think matured people here can advise me. I work with an oil firm in Lagos, i am not doing bad at all but can't seem to sort the marital puzzle. I am 31 .

I met this pretty girl in June 2013, she is 24 just left school. I showed her I wasn't a player as soon as we met through my actions. We call and communicate well. She was a fellowship leader while she was in school so this gave me some confidence but she has some questionable friends and that often scares me as to her real identity.

One day we were at my place and we were going through her Facebook together, I saw that one of the popular guys from my hometown is her friend. This guy should be like 45, married and quite rich. His family is based in Canada. I asked my girl there and then if they ever dated but she said no and bad mouthed the guy in front of me, told me the guy wanted to date 3 of her friends at the same time and they were using him to catch fun, eating his money. She said the guy invited her and her best friend to his house once and gave them 100k as parting gift. That they never saw him more than once. That he also promised to sponsor her convocation party when the time comes.

A month later I was curious and checked her FB account since she gave me the password. I saw a message she sent to this guy asking after his welfare that she couldn't reach him via bbm or calls. The message started with "Hi honey" and that got me worried. I asked her if she ever tried contacting this guy since we last spoke about him and she denied this for like 4 days. I just wanted to build my confidence in her by hearing the truth from her but she kept lying i was dissapointed. During this time she accused me of making things up that i was free to break up if I wanted to. After 4 days of the brickbat i told her I saw the fb message she sent and she started begging that she was too scared to tell me the truth. She told me she has decided to change her phone number and get serious with me but i didn't see any need for that. She changed the line anyway and i forgave her. I started spending because i didn't want her to look outside. Got her i phone 5 and other things she needed just to show I have forgiven her. I had gotten more details about this guy and memorized his phone number.

In summary, 2 days to her convocation, my girl secretly sent a message to this married guy trying to confirm if they would see or not before she leave for school. She had deleted the guy's name from her phone but i know the number and a lot of information were intact in her phone memory. I confronted her again and she has been begging, that she just wanted to collect the 170k the guy promised her and disappear. She has been crying ever since that she was just being greedy and trying to play smart with the guy. Her friends and families have called me to apologize but i am really heartbroken. I don't know if i can fully trust her again. I had already concluded this girl was a potential but all this seems too difficult for me to swallow. I sent her out of my apartment last week and warned her to stay off.

There's no point beating yourself up over this.

Your girl obviously values money - cold hard cash - over 'love'. You've seen evidence of this several times and yet you persist in getting back with her.

If you value your health, you'll move on and never look back.

If you decide to 'forgive' her (again) and continue from where you left off and eventually marry her, then be prepared to constantly look over your shoulders - forever.

There's plenty of fish out there in the sea. She's indirectly told you that your current income level is not satisfying enough for her. She needs more, you can't afford it, so she looks outside.

Let her go.

@Efemena..thanks for your words. My female couzin feels I should give her the last chance because I don't know if the next girl won't do worse because she seems homely. She has been calling her and explaining her case.

Efemena has said it all. My mantra is 'nobody is irreplaceable'. Guy move on! You'll see someone better out there, just socialize more. They say if you're scared of losing sight of the shore, you won't discover new continents! Good girls plenty gan!! Especially when you've got a fair income. Girls will kill to be in her shoes!

wwwlord:

@Efemena..thanks for your words. My female couzin feels I should give her the last chance because I don't know if the next girl won't do worse because she seems homely. She has been calling her and explaining her case.

If your female cousin had any principles or self-respect, she wouldn't advice you to take on trouble.

Your girl falls short of what it takes to be content with what you have. If she wants more, what stops her from working and earning as much as she wants for herself? Why must she depend on a man for money? Is she physically disabled without any brains of her own?

You've seen the early warning signs - take heed and move on. You owe that to yourself. Don't settle for less.

Broda....

As efe as said just let her go... If at d foundation of ur relationship is based on so much lies. I wonda how is goin to b when u get married... Trust is earned and she given u every cause not to trust her

To dai u boxed up if at one time at the end of ur life u get cash trapped it obviously means she will abandon u.

And again i tink she is sensing how desperate u r to get married so she is cashing in on it...

What all due respects sir. . . .YOU DUG YOUR OWN GRAVE. . . . .Now, stop moving around restlessly in your THAT YOUR EMOTIONAL CASKET!
Take a NAP and rest in PEACE instead of PIECES!

YOUR MISTAKES ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY. . . I can't even begin to enumerate 'em.
It is very obvious that you LACK experience with women. . . NIGERIAN WOMEN ESPECIALLY!
So, I am not even gonna bother knocking you down. . .you are already ON THE GROUND. . .as in SIX FEET UNDER!

One final nail on the coffin is all I can afford. Here it is:

SERVES YOUR AZZZZZZZZZZZZE RRRRRRRRRRRRRIGHT!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDmObE7LA-I

a broken relationship is better than a broken home, it obviously she can nt b contended wt what u hv or what so ever u capable of given her. so let her go

Efemena_xy: There's no point beating yourself up over this.

Your girl obviously values money - cold hard cash - over 'love'. You've seen evidence of this several times and yet you persist in getting back with her.

If you value your health, you'll move on and never look back.

If you decide to 'forgive' her (again) and continue from where you left off and eventually marry her, then be prepared to constantly look over your shoulders - forever.

There's plenty of fish out there in the sea. She's indirectly told you that your current income level is not satisfying enough for her. She needs more, you can't afford it, so she looks outside.

Let her go.

'Nuff said.

OP, do anything different from this at your own peril.

@temi...thanks,well she acted like she was the serious type initially not like I was desperately chasing her. I had other options. She was the one who asked if I see her like my type of girl. To which I gave no reply,I just showed her that thru my calls.

@Chaircover....thank you, its not like I wanted to buy her love infact I never gave her a dime for the first 2 months we met. She told me she needed money once and I asked her if she wanted a fling or something real? I just didn't want to seem too strict and unforgiving when I got her the things I got her. I saw her reading christian motivationals like TD jakes etc and that's part of what drew me to her but I guess I was mistaken. I don't know much about how girls do runs,was too focused on my education and career but am learning.

Pls move on, she is not worth it.

Guy let's keep this thread alive, marry her and update us with what happens. Best of luck.

Wow..God is telling you directly and you are still asking for a prophets's opinion...let me just brief you of what your end will look like..
Firstly her infidelity will cost you your job within 3yrs of marriage not dating, your relationship with your siblings and your mum (if u still have one) will reduce...she won't date your friends ..far from it..but she sure has her way of getting what she wants from you..kindly speak to the 45yrs old married guy, and he will tell you about the last time they had sex and how he foolishly loves her and can't do without her...you know why? Cos she is already controlling his life...don't lether start controlling urs and at the end u loose ur job...

What else can i say?

You are so lucky and indeed God really loves you to have allowed you see her real person before your story becomes "once upon a time"
You probably judged a book by its cover, now your eyes are opened, FLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, why? Your girl is an aristo, or what do they call it? She is greedy and a gold digger, and above all, untrustworthy.
You're worth more than her, except............


Lest i forget, CC mentioned a very vital point, adhere to it for your own good. Stop buying love with money or gifts, except if you dont have other good qualities that good girls can admire.

Goodluck to you in your next relationship, hopefully, you're now wiser.

seconded!
don't bother yourself.
Let her go.

ileobatojo:

'Nuff said.

OP, do anything different from this at your own peril.

It's not worth it. You don't need these kind of people in your life. People whose mission is to give you emotional torment, yes there are people like that, prone to making life a living hell for you and bent on changing your outlook to life. They are there to make you question their every action, taking advantage of your easy going and simple heart. Don't let them win. You deserve better.

Sincerely, i dont know why or what is confusing you.

The girl?
Her lies?
Her obvious greed?
Her open secret pretence?
Her parents?
Her sugar daddy?
OR
Your cousin?
Your cousin's advice?
OR
Your life?
Your kind of girl?
Your preference as regards your choice of marriagable girl?
Your own parent?
Or the obvious signs God is showing you?
What exactly is confusing you?
You better thank your God and run for your dear life.

Living with a person that can not be trusted is like living in a house with an open fire.

wwwlord:

@temi...thanks,well she acted like she was the serious type initially not like I was desperately chasing her. I had other options. She was the one who asked if I see her like my type of girl. To which I gave no reply,I just showed her that thru my calls.

@Chaircover....thank you, its not like I wanted to buy her love infact I never gave her a dime for the first 2 months we met. She told me she needed money once and I asked her if she wanted a fling or something real? I just didn't want to seem too strict and unforgiving when I got her the things I got her. I saw her reading christian motivationals like TD jakes etc and that's part of what drew me to her but I guess I was mistaken. I don't know much about how girls do runs,was too focused on my education and career but am learning.

In the space of how many months, she's already asked for money? Nigerian girls always falling my hand.

The Op is finding it hard 2 let go.
U have to. It'll hurt, but it'll be the right decision.
Do not jump into any relationship. When the time is just right, and when U are ready, the right lady will be right there waiting.
For now, U have to let go...

My friend,I had passed through almost this kind of situation b4.The man involved was also rich and older,while the lady(my ex) always plead whenever she was caught....And I always 4give her.It came a time when I started having finacial problems.That was when she started again,this time very open,and no apology....Afterall,we can seperat if that is what you want,she said....rudely.Well,what can a poor man like me do?So I focused more on how to get back on my feet again as I tolorated her constant anger and rudness.After a while,some members of her family started talking sense into her...then,she apologised once again with tears down her cheek,but it was too late.....Please my friend,you must not made a mistake you will regret the rest of your life.You should let her go...By the way,I am married now with a wonderful wife, blessed with two kids.

greatgod2012: Sincerely, i dont know why or what is confusing you.

The girl?
Her lies?
Her obvious greed?
Her open secret pretence?
Her parents?
Her sugar daddy?
OR
Your cousin?
Your cousin's advice?
OR
Your life?
Your kind of girl?
Your preference as regards your choice of marriagable girl?
Your own parent?
Or the obvious signs God is showing you?
What exactly is confusing you?
You better thank your God and run for your dear life.

Living with a person that can not be trusted is like living in a house with an open fire.

Well,I was confused that a supposed fellowship leader could pull off these dramas and i didnt just want to take rash decisions. I have heard the cliche "no one is perfect " many times that I began to think if it applies to her. She definitely has her strengths but I have realised I can't cope with this weaknesses.

Obvious sign. Enough said already. Thread closed. OP bye!

wwwlord:


Well,I was confused that a supposed fellowship leader could pull off these dramas and i didnt just want to take rash decisions. I have heard the cliche "no one is perfect " many times that I began to think if it applies to her. She definitely has her strengths but I have realised I can't cope with this weaknesses.

Honestly, no one is perfect. What she does is what 92% of ladies, especially in Nigeria do, even tho there is no justification whatsoever for that, but that's the hard truth. So there is every possibility that the next girl you meet might have being through this phase.

She should have stopped when a very serious guy got into her life, but she didn't. The "no one is perfect" cliche is not applicable to her, the truth of the matter is she is not ready for a committed relationship.

One more thing, most times you have to look beyond the sparkling of a jewelry to realise its fake.

[quote author=dad007]My friend,I had passed through almost this kind of situation b4.The man involved was also rich and older,while the lady(my ex) always plead whenever she was caught....And I always 4give her.

@Dad007
Till tommorrow this girl swears she never slept with the man. She claims she only wants to play him and collect his money because he was toasting her friends. I don't know what to believe but I just have something against a girl who won't respect another woman's home,can't seem to forgive that.

wwwlord:

@temi...thanks,well she acted like she was the serious type initially not like I was desperately chasing her. I had other options. She was the one who asked if I see her like my type of girl. To which I gave no reply,I just showed her that thru my calls.

pls just let her go....

wwwlord:


Well,I was confused that a supposed fellowship leader could pull off these dramas and i didnt just want to take rash decisions. I have heard the cliche "no one is perfect " many times that I began to think if it applies to her. She definitely has her strengths but I have realised I can't cope with this weaknesses.

abeg for get fellowship leader oo.. is she not as human being..

pastor self dai Bleep up.. not to talk of fellowship leader..

Na to follow God's word no b leader or pastor u go follow

wwwlord:

@Efemena..thanks for your words. My female couzin feels I should give her the last chance because I don't know if the next girl won't do worse because she seems homely. She has been calling her and explaining her case.

Efamena couldnt ve said it any better.
As per d above, I ve never agreed with that saying. There always is someone better out there.

U, d o.p, r already aware of her greed n tendency or luv f material tins, thats y I believe u were getting her all that.
DoNot let the tears deceive u, n forget ur female siblings n friends. Females will Always want t back each oda up.

Forget her.. she aint worth it.
Saying dis within all reason..

wwwlord:

@temi...thanks,well she acted like she was the serious type initially not like I was desperately chasing her. I had other options. She was the one who asked if I see her like my type of girl. To which I gave no reply,I just showed her that thru my calls.

@Chaircover....thank you, its not like I wanted to buy her love infact I never gave her a dime for the first 2 months we met. She told me she needed money once and I asked her if she wanted a fling or something real? I just didn't want to seem too strict and unforgiving when I got her the things I got her. I saw her reading christian motivationals like TD jakes etc and that's part of what drew me to her but I guess I was mistaken. I don't know much about how girls do runs,was too focused on my education and career but am learning.

The above post is your real problem sorry to say. All you did was focus on your education and career. Sometimes its good to have a balance in life. You never really had a social life and thats why you don't understand girls. Sorry to say, you should not be asking this kind of advice at age 31. You are 31 and not 21. If a 21 year old is asking this, I could understand but a man that is 31 years old asking, is pure ridiculous. My advice for you is to have some good friends and have a social life. Life is not all about books and career, there should be more to life than that. No wonder a 24 year old runs girl can be deceiving you.

And you said, you didn't even ask her out. She must have noticed you don't have "game" so she helped you out. Please don't marry her o. She is too street smart for you, she will sell you and all your property one day. You are not even ashamed to say that a 24 year old girl forced herself on you while doing runs by the side. I am sure she is your first girlfriend. Seriously you need to get yourself a social life. Go out a bit more. I am sure that your cousin hooked you up with her, or someone else hooked you up. Go get your own wife yourself!

Aaww!
Toto is very powerful!
I understand perfectly well.
Its not only u, many men has falling under the anointing of powerful totos that they speak in tonques when they r supposed to make use of their common sense!

Pls somebody should pour poster chilled water so he can wake up!

^^^

it's not toto the OP is inexperienced as regards relationships....Nashville hit the nail right on the head.

@Op,

When or if you eventually let her go, I will advise you that you shouldn't let religious appearance or fellowship/church position becloud your judgement about anybody, females inclusive. I want to assume you are a Christian seeking a relationship with a godly lady.. Your yardstick shouldn't be her religious commitment, service or position but her actions.

Many in this age only with their mouth profess to know God but their hearts are far from Him. I wish you would understand how to put little tests of integrity, faith and trust to a lady before you commit yourself to any. Ladies do not need big tests to expose them but very little and seemingly inconsequential tests that surely bring out who they are. They will pass the big one because they know, they are under scrutiny.

Another advise for you, never listen to those who says you may not find a better person claiming nobody is perfect and all girls once had a past. It is a self defeatist statement. No human is perfect but not all humans are reckless and irredeemable from greed and immorality. There are ladies with visions, character, godly and a past to be proud of out there. With patience, artificial and spiritual intelligence, you will definitely identify them to live happy till death do you part.

As for the girl in question, need I tell you more than the position of everyone. Let her go. She is presently using emotional blackmail against you for you to bring her back. If you can let your brain prevail over your emotion, you will know how to shut your heart against giving her another chance. Everybody should be able to live with the consequences of his/her choice. She has chosen hers. You have given her enough chances to block her out now. I may not be wrong to say that she was corrupted by her wayward friends considering she still has little interest in religion. Such a lady is difficult to reform.


PS: Thought you believed she was godly but you allowed her to cohabit with you. For her to agree in cohabiting with you is enough proof that she is only religious and not godly. If you want a godly union, cohabitation is a wrong foundation to build it. I am sorry if I misinterpreted that part you said you have sent her packing out of your house.